If you have experienced the death of a baby, would you like to share
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 6/17/2013 by Just T in NSBR Board
 

Just T
I need therapea!

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Posted: 6/17/2013 3:06:45 PM
your experiences on a couple of different topics?
Many of you know that I work for a not-for-profit organization that provides support to parents who experience a miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn baby. We publish an online newsletter, and I am working on articles for a couple of topics. In the past, I've been very grateful for those of you have shared your stories with me.

That all said, these are the two topics I am working on:
Some of the upcoming topics are:
Finding Solace and Peace
Do you have a special place where you go to remember and reflect on your baby, either at your home or a public place that is special to you? Do you find comfort in certain songs or music? Do you have a meaningful collection of items that brings you peace? For this issue, we would like to share stories of places and/or things that bring you solace and peace.


Random Acts of Kindness
Studies have shown that performing random acts of kindness releases endorphins and serotonin, chemicals that nourish and improve one’s mental state, and many
bereaved parents enjoy finding ways to give to others in honor and memory of their babies. Others have made it their tradition to ask friends and family members to perform random acts of kindness as well. If you have performed random acts of kindness or asked others to, we would love to share your stories and/or photographs.

There are a few different options if you are interested. You can either write something yourself that could be used in our newsletter or on our blog, or you can just briefly tell me anything you would like to include, and I can add to a general article I am writing (one on each topic). Sorry if that sounds confusing!

You can either peamail me, or email me (peamail me for my email address).

Just so you know I'm not some kook, here is a link to our website
Share

and here is a link to our newsletter page:
Sharing newsletter

Thank you so much!

TalissaAmity
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Posted: 6/18/2013 4:56:58 AM
I think this is such a difficult topic because everyone has such different expectations on how they would like to be treated after a loss.

I had a friend who lost a baby at birth. She requested no flowers be sent to the home as she didn't want them for some reason. She was especially upset at people who brought them anyway. That's how many people show they care, but to her it was upsetting.

I had two miscarriages, between the births of my second and third children. At the time it was one of the saddest times in my life. At night when I lay in bed crying I just really wanted to lay outside in the dark in the rain. Strange, I'm not sure why. I would have liked a little more recognition from people close to me. I thought someone who loves me will bring me flowers. My Mum did. My husbands family neither mentioned it to me or sent flowers or a card.

Even though I was really sad, I think I recovered quickly because I already had two children and I tried to be grateful for the children I had. I think if I had miscarriages before I had a child I would have found that much harder to get over. Everywhere you go you see children and pregnant women. Also I went on to have my third child and I think he really cured my longing and sadness for another baby. Without him I think that sadness would still linger.

I try not to commemorate dates of my losses. I have moved on, but as I said it was my third baby that helped me do this. I no longer feel sad when I think about my losses, it feels like ancient history. I can remember the sadness but I no longer feel sad.

Everyone deals with grief in different ways, I don't feel I handle things any better than those who chose to commemorate their miscarriages, just differently. It works for me.

I do feel however that if I lost a child very late in pregnancy, or at birth, that this is something I would never really recover from.

halebop
AncestralPea

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Posted: 6/18/2013 8:31:18 AM
My first born son passed away one hour and 51 minutes after his birth. I had been sedated and by the time I had come out of the sedation - the doctors and my family felt it would be to traumatic for me to see him. So I never physically saw him but I carry him in my heart everyday.

I like to go to his grave and sit with a book or my bible and read. I sometimes read to him and other times just sit quietly. I have taken each of my children (who are all grown) and we have spent time at the grave together. My DD takes my Granddaughters and they not only clean up around their Uncles headstone but around others all around the entire place. They want "his home" to be special as well as others.

It was hard losing my son - but God knew what was best for me. I was 18, scared and not ready to raise a child that would have had special needs due to the brain injury from the delivery. I hope you don't flame me or feel that in any way I was being selfish - I know that his life would have been very limited and maybe not long - and I thank God that he didn't suffer. I have a special Angel that is with me always.







My Blog - http://daysez.blogspot.com


salt-of-the-earth
PeaFixture

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Posted: 6/18/2013 8:42:14 AM
Sometimes people associate flowers with happy times vs sad times.






reality_junkie
PeaFixture

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Posted: 6/18/2013 9:28:12 AM
I lost a baby at 21 weeks. And I really hated getting flowers. Felt like a funeral home in the house...which just added to my depression.

I know everyone meant well but it sucked having another bouquet of flowers delievered to the house..


~Lisa

justmebymyself
BucketHead

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Posted: 6/18/2013 9:34:14 AM
Many years ago I was involved with a group who helped women with pre-term and early post-term losses.

Received great training from a phycologist, ob dr. and nursing staff from the OB unit.

Our local decorative painting guild paints oval paper-mache boxes and gives them to the OB dept. The quilting guild provides a very small baby blanket.

The paper-mache boxes provide a place to put in documents and many babies are wrapped in their quilt for burial.

It is important to state the you can identify with how this loss may seem, but acknowlege that everyone processes their loss diferently.

(((((hugs)))))




MrsScrapDiva
PeaFixture

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Posted: 6/18/2013 9:56:25 AM
not the death of baby but miscarriages:



I had a friend who lost a baby at birth. She requested no flowers be sent to the home as she didn't want them for some reason. She was especially upset at people who brought them anyway. That's how many people show they care, but to her it was upsetting.


When I had my ectopic pregnancy rupture, my dh's company sent flowers to the house. They were pretty and the vase was really nice too, but I had to give it away because it just reminded me of a really horrible scary time in my life. Physically and mentally it took many months to heal.

When I felt like I was ready to move forward, I found it therapeutic to make myself a bracelet with special beads and charms that I picked out. Nothing fancy just stuff from AC Moore. It was in remembrance of my losses and ectopic pregnancies.

Just T
I need therapea!

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Posted: 6/18/2013 10:00:47 AM
Thank you all for responding and sharing your experiences.

This is so very true:


I think this is such a difficult topic because everyone has such different expectations on how they would like to be treated after a loss.



Everyone reacts to grief so differently, and everyone has their own special ways of honoring and remembering their babies. That is what we try to portray in our newsletter--we try to give a wide range of ideas and share all different types of stories. And yes, each person needs to find what works for them and not compare themselves to what others do.





I was 18, scared and not ready to raise a child that would have had special needs due to the brain injury from the delivery. I hope you don't flame me or feel that in any way I was being selfish - I know that his life would have been very limited and maybe not long - and I thank God that he didn't suffer. I have a special Angel that is with me always.


I would never flame you! And I certainly hope that no one else will either. Again, we all handle things in different ways. You obviously love your son and have continued to honor him over the years, and I would never think of you as selfish.

Thank you again to those who responded.

Carey Ayn
why

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Posted: 6/18/2013 12:26:50 PM
I know you've heard our story, but to help you with your questions:

We still annually send off balloons on Becket's birthday and we have three small display suitcases with his items in them and a small scrapbook of NILMDTS photos. We generally don't open any of these items, but his brothers sometimes ask to look at them, and we do. Maybe three times a year.

For me, the NILMDTS photos and process have brought the most peace to me.

There are certain songs I associate with Beckett. They mostly bring me peace but sometimes, especially one of them, makes me a little sad. I ALWAYS notice when I hear the one song....car, store, wherever..it always makes me think of Beckett. (They are not traditional mourning songs).



very_crafty_2
PeaFixture

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Posted: 6/18/2013 10:58:47 PM
I experienced my second loss the beginning of this year. My first miscarriage was "only" 4-6 weeks. The one I had this year, I was 25 weeks into my pregnancy. I also suffered Hypermesis Gravidarum all 6 months. It was the worst 6 months of my life and to end with no baby! I had a terrible reaction to the medicines they gave me to induce me, I almost went into cardiac arrest. My DH and I couldn't bare to have a funeral service, we just cremated her and we are waiting to spread her ashes later.
I only got sympathy cards from the hospital and the home health care company that was taking care of me during my pregnancy.
I do have a box were I keep the urn, the blanket the hospital gave me and a set of her footprints and handprints in gesso that the lady from the hospital did for us. She also took pictures and gave me a CD with them. Maybe I will do some kind of ceremony later, but we are definitely not ready for it yet.
I do plan to have one day for DH and DD to help me scrap those pictures of her (Emilia) and create some kind of crafty memorial. I guess that will be very therapeutic for me.


Yamilka

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Carey Ayn
why

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Posted: 6/18/2013 11:07:04 PM
Very Crafty, I'm so sorry for your loss.

We did a memorial services four months after he was born. That was when we were ready.



***Kate***
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Posted: 6/18/2013 11:19:21 PM
Very Crafty, so, so sorry for the loss of your little one...

The kids and I go and visit Olivia- we change her decorations with the seasons and for holidays. My husband can't stand to go to the cemetery, and has planted certain plants in our yard for her. That's where he loves to spend his free time. At first it bothered me that he wasn't interested in coming with us, but I better understand how he grieves.

As far as random acts of kindness, I make felted stuffed owls, panda bears and foxes that I pair with a pillow case. Olive Crest is a foster care agency in our area and they use them in their welcome baskets for children when they are first placed. They have a little tag sewn on the back that says "livvie love"- I also make extras for our state patroller friends and my dad (he's a fireman) to keep for when they have situations involving a child.



Just T
I need therapea!

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Posted: 6/27/2013 10:45:42 AM
I haven't been back to this thread for a while, but thank you all, so much, for sharing your precious little ones with me. The newsletter is almost finished, and when it is ready, I will post a link to it for anyone who is interested in reading it.
((((HUGS)))) to all of you have had to go through the loss of a baby.

Peppermintpatty
Mother of Benedict Cumberbatch's love child

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Posted: 6/27/2013 11:10:24 AM
It may be too late but I had my 4th miscarriage this past February. I had 3 between my two children. This was the most heart wrenching one. I never grieved my other 3. This one I lost at work and the memory will haunt me for the rest of my life.

My husband, my therapist and a perinatal support group were my only real support. People said they were sorry and then changed the subject. I went into a deep depression and only recently weaned myself off anti-depressants (had never taken them before). I don't have any physical reminders other than the ones I was asked to make or do for the support group. My only memory is losing the baby at work.

I am still in therapy every other week now (in the beginning it was twice a week). I wrote a eulogy that made my husband cry and we released balloons over a lake in memory of the baby. We named the baby.

The people closest to me looked at me like I had two heads when I told them about the balloons (my mother specifically).

This has changed me forever.





finally~a~mama
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 6/27/2013 11:47:50 AM
I didn't see this earlier. I'll go ahead and share though since I'm guessing this is a topic you will revisit in your newsletter from time to time.

In March 2012 we suffered a miscarriage between 8 and 9 weeks. I had a D&C. It was one of the hardest things I've been through. One of the things that hurt was that I had nothing tangible to remember her by. I decided I needed something physical to be able to touch when I was thinking about her. For me that was jewelry. I bought a necklace with a design that kind of looked like an open heart. I wore it all the time at first, but then every so often I would have a day where I couldn't wear it. It would stay in the jewelry organizer that day.

This April I had a healthy baby girl. I don't wear my necklace very often now. I added an open heart charm to my charm bracelet. I wear that bracelet fairly often. There it feels like the memory of the one we lost is mixed in with all my other memories.

I also purchased one of those necklaces with your children's name & birthstones. I have the names of my 2 DDs on it, but I used 3 birthstones -- my DDs' birthstones & the stone for the month the baby would have been due in. The birthstones all coordinate very well so no one would even think anything of it, but I know what it means.




As far as random acts of kindness, I make felted stuffed owls, panda bears and foxes that I pair with a pillow case. Olive Crest is a foster care agency in our area and they use them in their welcome baskets for children when they are first placed. They have a little tag sewn on the back that says "livvie love"- I also make extras for our state patroller friends and my dad (he's a fireman) to keep for when they have situations involving a child.


Kate, this made me tear up. "livvie love" absolutely beautiful. What a wonderful way to honor your sweet daughter.




shirt
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 6/27/2013 9:59:34 PM
I didn't see this earlier either. My daughter died at 100 days old from SIDS. She would be 24 now.

The way we choose to remember her has changed over the years. When we moved into our first house, we planted an apple tree. It always bloomed in May a week or so before her death anniversary. That always brought me comfort during a tough time of the year. The tree got big and is beautiful. Sometimes a dove would sit the tree and it felt like a message that she was okay on the other side.

I was a childless mother for 5 years. When I had my other 2, I started doing things for other kids that would be about the same age my daughter would be. Angel tree for a girl who would be my daughter's age or giving money for a kid to go to summer camp. Once the time had passed where my daughter would be an adult, I started sponsoring a woman in the organization Women for Women http://www.womenforwomen.org/ I've been a sponsor for several years now.

My husband (not the father of my daughter who died) bought me a ring when each of our kids were born. I wear them on special occasions for each one. Like the youngest just graduated HS and I wore her ring to the ceremony. I also bought a ring in the birthstone of my daughter who died. Sometimes I wear it to feel close to her.


- Renee
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scrapnchick
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Posted: 6/28/2013 1:56:05 AM
My husband bought me a ring with her birthstone, I wear it every day to remind me of her.

We planted a garden in the corner of our yard with an angel statue and all pink flowers.

I have certain songs that I associate with her.

We celebrate her birthday every year doing something fun as a family.

I have a carved chest with all her papers etc and for some reason I started writing letters to her and I put them in the chest too.


Jeanette
Wife to him, mom to them

Keep Me In Stitches- My Blog



k8smom
BucketHead

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Posted: 6/28/2013 2:08:12 AM
I lost my first daughter to SIDS in 1987 at 1 month and 8 days. I would be happy to help in any way I can, peamail me if you have any specific questions. I volunteered as a peer counselor for many years with the Oregon SIDS chapter following my daughter's death; there are certain milestones that are particularly difficult to navigate those first years and that was the goal of the peer counselor.

It has been many years since I lost my child and I've since raised two subsequent children who are now young adults, so I have a perceptive of having worked through the phases of grief and absorbed it all as a part of me at this point in my life.

That said, I can still be reduced to tears 26 years later by the unexpected mention of her in conversation or anonymous flowers left sweetly at her grave, people have been truly kind and compassionate in regard to my loss since the day we lost her.

TalissaAmity
PeaAddict

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Posted: 6/28/2013 5:55:34 AM
Sorry for all your losses ladies.

I thought of something I wanted to add. One of my girlfriends lost a baby shortly after birth, a little twin.
The other twin is fine.

My girlfriend's baby who passed away has a name starting with Z. Every time she signs a birthday card, or the like, instead of putting XXXXX ( kisses ) she puts XXZXX. It's a special little recognition of the baby she lost. When I write cards or emails to her I also finish them with XXZXX.
Nobody else would probably notice the little Z in with all the Xs, but it it our special little remembrance of the little one she lost.
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