I'm throwing a pity party! Bring your best jokes and happy stories.

Two Peas is Closing
Click here to visit our final product sale. Click here to visit our FAQ page regarding the closing of Two Peas.

Posted 7/26/2013 by leftturnonly in NSBR Board
 

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 2:52:04 AM
It's a difficult month. I'm dealing with about 6 major difficult life events all happening simultaneously.

Just checking to make sure good things are happening in real life out there somewhere for someone. Tell me something wonderful.

Knock Knock.... anybody there? Beyonce? Anybody?





If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



M in Carolina
nothing could be finer than to be back in Carolina

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Posted: 7/26/2013 3:18:35 AM
I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time. I'm sending you hugs.

I do have good news, finally. My husband has chronic nerve pain in is groin from hemorrhaging after hernia surgery. He's been in a lot of pain this year because his pain management doctor switched his meds around before dh was supposed to have surgery on his back and stimulators that interrupt the pain signals to the brain.

The surgery didn't happen like it was supposed to and will happen later this year. Finally dh's doctor changed the meds again. Dh slept through the night without pain on the first day. He's felt so much better and even felt like lying on his side to cuddle with me yesterday morning. He hasn't been able to do that without severe pain for several years.



leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 3:20:57 AM
That is wonderful news!





If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 4:22:14 AM
I finally learned the answer to the age old question "Why did the chicken cross the road?"


No kidding. The other day we were driving down our street and this is the conversation.
"That looks like a chicken! And it's crossing the road! Why is the chicken crossing the road? It's chasing a puppy! Look at all those chicks following the chicken. That chicken just crossed the road chasing a puppy away from it's chicks!"

"I didn't know a chicken would do that"
"Well, you know what they say about mother hens...."




Now the new question is...... Where did the chicken that crossed the road come from?






If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



*KelleeM*
Eye pea ;)

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Posted: 7/26/2013 4:32:07 AM
Sorry, I have nothing for you but will offer some (((hugs))). I'm having my own party





gar
Whoopea!

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Posted: 7/26/2013 4:45:25 AM
Sorry you're having more than your fair share at the moment - sounds very stressful to say the least!

A little sweet moment I witnessed yesterday - a little boy and his mum came into the shop where i was browsing and, completely unbidden said "Mummy I love you!" Needless to say everyone in the shop said a collective. "Ahh...."




Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


dottyscrapper
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 7/26/2013 4:46:21 AM
Sorry to hear that you're having a rotten time of things, sending you some
(((((hugs))))

I'm not very good at jokes though They always seem to be missing the punch line





gar
Whoopea!

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Posted: 7/26/2013 4:48:02 AM
Hugs to you too Kellee.


Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


MommaHo
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Posted: 7/26/2013 5:16:42 AM
A customer service rep was on the phone with a very rude customer - In a very calming tone she said "Oh no Sir I said pirate ship, why would I call you a piece of sh*t!"

ba da ba


Linda - aka MommaHo/Grams
Creativity is intelligence having fun! Albert Einstein

~KimPea~
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 7/26/2013 6:43:27 AM
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.


Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain
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knit.pea
. cheeky cousin .

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:05:32 AM
(hugs)

Funny story ... now!

Last night, we realized we couldn't find our shed keys (that we
had used that afternoon). The only shed key we think we have.

DH goes into "find" mode. We scour the house, the lawn,
I re-trace my steps from watering the plants with a flashlight in hand
(back yard and front yard), we paw through the garbage (coffee grounds,
yogurt lids, yum!), we shake cushions ... nowhere.

DS helpfully wonders if I have baked it into DH's birthday cake

By this time, DH is in silent dammit-wife-where-did-you-put-it!!! mode,
complete with exasperated sighs and side looks of derision.
We both thought I was the last one with them (by default the one
who had "lost" them).

DH goes upstairs, mind you this is about an hour later,
and comes down jingling the key.
HE had scooped them up earlier in the afternoon and put them
in his nightstand drawer.

WTH???!!!
I let it go, because it was his birthday

Hopefully you can laugh and relate

TalissaAmity
PeaAddict

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:11:08 AM
No story, but I hope things improve for you. Chin up!!! Hugs across the ocean to you from Australia.

Spongemom Scrappants
In my happy place.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:13:16 AM

DS helpfully wonders if I have baked it into DH's birthday cake

Haha. Real life is generally funnier than any joke.

But here's a joke anyway.

While driving across the reservation, a lady stopped to offer a ride to a very old Indian woman. She politely tried several times to make general conversation with the woman but was met only with a quiet stare. So they rode in silence for a few hours. Finally the old woman, glancing at the bottle of wine on the seat between them, grunted "Nice wine." The driver perked up at this attempt to converse and replied, "Thank you! I got it for my husband!" The old Indian muttered, "Good trade." And they rode in silence again.

Hope things get better for you, Lefty.








pjaye
The only happy ending will be mine

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:25:16 AM
For some reason this cracks me up every time I look at it:


TalissaAmity
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Posted: 7/26/2013 8:58:30 AM


Oh I love it. So cute!!!

iteach3rdgrade
AncestralPea

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Posted: 7/26/2013 10:18:35 AM

"Oh no Sir I said pirate ship, why would I call you a piece of sh*t!"




This reminds me of South Park while the kids were on the bus: Rabbits eat lettuce.

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 11:24:50 AM
You guys are good!

Every one of you has made me smile. What a gift.






If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



BeckyTech
Ask me about backups!

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Posted: 7/26/2013 12:37:50 PM
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

bethany1023
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 7/26/2013 1:40:13 PM
Quite possibly my most favorite BBT episode of all time.

I can feel the earth moving!

the bit about the rabbits is a hoot too.

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time of it.

caroscraps
7 Sweetpeas for me

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Posted: 7/26/2013 1:56:40 PM
I'm sorry Lefty. Sometimes life just sucks for a season then good things happen. Hoping good things happen quickly for you.


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2LuvPeasLife
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 7/26/2013 2:45:14 PM
Wonderful!

I needed a small pick-me-up!


Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
-- Dr. Seuss
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valincal
True North Strong and Free

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Posted: 7/26/2013 2:51:08 PM
No new jokes to tell, but I can send you virtual hugs and positive thoughts. Take care kiddo!





Regina Phalange
PeaFixture

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Posted: 7/26/2013 2:54:15 PM
Aww....I'm so sorry for your troubles...(((hugs)))


Here is a cute one:

My best friend's granddaughter is 2 1/2. She was at her other grandmother's house the other day (this grandma watches her all day) and she was playing on her play phone. Her Grandpa asked her who she was talking to and she replied:


"It's Jake from State Farm."







Kids!!


**Julie**






"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou


SoonerPenguin
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Posted: 7/26/2013 2:59:23 PM
Here's a joke a couple of our local DJs told on their morning show not too long ago...I've got all the important parts right, LOL.

A man was standing in his front yard when he saw the most unusual funeral procession he had ever seen start to pass by.

At the front was one hearse, followed by a second. That was followed by a man walking his dog. He was followed by a line of about 200 men, all walking behind him for as far as the eye could see.

The man leaves his front yard & walks up to the man walking the dog. He says to him, "Sir, I'm sorry for your loss, but this is one of the most unusual funeral processions I've ever seen. Might I ask what happened?"

The dog walking man stops & says, "My wife is in the first hearse. She was bitching at me, the dog attacked her & killed her."

"Oh goodness," says the other man. "I'm so sorry...but who is in the second hearse?"

"The second hearse contains my mother in law. She jumped in to defend my wife. The dog attacked and killed her, too."

The other man thinks for a moment, then says, "Sir, may I borrow your dog?"

The dog walking man simply says, "Get in line....."


I know. Rather tasteless, but it cracks me up every time I hear it. Hope things get better.


Candace




"We know hockey is where we live. Where we can best meet to overcome pain, wrong, and death. Life is just a place where we spend time in between games." - Fred Shero


caroscraps
7 Sweetpeas for me

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Posted: 7/26/2013 3:11:52 PM
"it's Jake from State Farm."

That's hilarious.


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2peafaithful
People not perfection

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Posted: 7/26/2013 3:36:35 PM
I am sorry. (((hugs))) I can't figure out in life if one very big challenge, one right after the other (like over a year) is harder or a bunch at one time. All I know is that I don't do that well either one.

Got my hands full with several things (and I already cried today so time to be positive) but I do have good news!

It is raining in Texas in July!

My home is finally finished and even organized!

My dh got a very nice promotion this month that we didn't see coming. Lots of hard work but love to see it pay off and for him to be rewarded.

Oh shoot, the Texas rain in July has already stopped! Good thing I celebrated when I did.

Take care. I promise things will get better.






Spongemom Scrappants
In my happy place.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 3:54:08 PM

"It's Jake from State Farm."

Real life is definitely funnier than jokes. That's a hoot.

Reminds me of my cousin's little boy who called his grandmothers "Brown Grandma" and "Black Grandma." It always got an interesting reaction from people who would overhear him. Why did he call them that? Well, it was the color of their hair of course. Made perfect sense to him.








love labs
10,000,000 post poster

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Posted: 7/26/2013 4:31:34 PM
What a sucky month for you. Good news--July is almost over!

A Pea friend posted a conversation she had with her young son this morning...

Mom: What would you like on your bread? Butter? Peanut butter?

Son: Steak! I want steak on my bread!



----------------------------------------------------------

If life is a journey, shouldn't you be moving along?

mommythreee
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Posted: 7/26/2013 6:12:34 PM
the day I brought my son home from the hospital, my mom brought home my 2 year old to meet him, she asked "So, do you like having a baby brother Alaina?", "yeah, she replied.....when's him going home?"

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 6:56:00 PM
I keep thinking "this one's my favorite," and then I get to the next post.







If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



mackeysmom
AncestralPea

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:02:34 PM
In a neighborhood. Yesterday while riding my golf cart a rooster came out in the street and chased me. I was stopped looking at him and he started running at me again. He chased me off my street.
No one knows who he belongs to.




People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. George Orwell
** For those who have fought for it, freedom has a flavor the protected will never know. *MIA<>POW*

bobomommy
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:16:12 PM
Was Jake from State Farm wearing khakis?


Suzette
Mother to Catherine (20), Zane (18), Kent (16)

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:30:29 PM

No one knows who he belongs to.


I think I know where the wife and family he left behind are.






If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



mackeysmom
AncestralPea

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:37:41 PM
We are about to head out on our nightly ride! I'll let you know if he attacks! Crazy stuff. This is not farm country!
My boys just got back from Europe for the summer. They were telling me all the exciting things they did. My son says the neighbor has a baby cow and if we leave our door open he will come in the house and lay in rangers (the dog) bed. I said your dad allows that? My son says only sometimes and he never spends the night just takes a nap. I just shook my head.




People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf. George Orwell
** For those who have fought for it, freedom has a flavor the protected will never know. *MIA<>POW*

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/26/2013 7:52:02 PM

This is not farm country!



Here either. And yep. We've got lots of cows here too.






If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



TexasScrap
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Posted: 7/26/2013 8:29:57 PM
Thinking of you. Have been overwhelmed with my own life events lately, but leaving for vacation Sunday.

Funny story. My 7 year old and I were talking about Elf last night and how my son could be an Elf given he loves the 4 elf food groups (candy canes, candy corn, candy and syrup).

So then he says, "so mom, how do you get that part?"

Me: "what part?"

Him: "you know to be Elf? And how did Santa get his part...and what about all of the other holidays, how did they get their parts?"

He says all of this with a tone of "When do I get a chance to try out for the part of the Easter bunny."

It was just a funny kid moment, so earnest and innocent.

Thoughts with you.



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Jamieson B.
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Posted: 7/26/2013 8:55:24 PM
No jokes, but saw this posted by someone on the Great Dane site - Great Dane snuggling baby. I hope things improve for you.




No1UKnow
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 7/26/2013 9:44:52 PM
I got a job offer today, and I accepted. I start in three weeks.



**Anita**

leftturnonly
Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

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Posted: 7/27/2013 5:07:31 AM
Congratulations on the new job!

I've enjoyed this whole thread so much. You've no idea.




If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



janniepea
PeaFixture

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Posted: 7/27/2013 7:42:32 AM
This has been several years now, but when my son was 14 he wanted a cell phone in the worst way. He begged, pleaded, bribed, and begged some more but we kept saying no. His brother has Down syndrome and could easily handle a cell phone. When our son kept begging and said he was the only kid in the universe that didn't have a phone, I said that's not true, your brother doesn't have a cell phone either!

I thought this son would say something along the lines of him having a disability, etc. but no, he shot right back with "that's because he has YOU TWO for parents!"

I hope things get better soon

jenjie
PEAsed to be here

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Posted: 7/27/2013 10:47:42 AM
{{{HUGS}}} Lefty.

Here's a peek into my world lately. From my facebook page:

Overheard in my house:

DS14 (to dd13): "Move, you cow!"
Me: "Don't you ever call her a cow again!"
DE14: "What? She was mooing!"

Apparently she was indeed mooing.

Never a dull moment.

***

My little guy, DS8 has plenty to say. I call his comments "Loganisms" and share them for your enjoyment.

"Mom you have the most gorgeous knees!"

"Mom why are you using girly [duct] tape?" I'm a girl! "But you're OLD! You don't like butterflies and that stuff..." thanks son. I appreciate it.

"We're having tacos?" Logan's eyes light up. He gives me a biiiiig hug and kiss. "I love tacos! But I love you even more than I love tacos!" My boy is no dummy.

***


Then there was this one:

If you are within hearing distance of my house, the screams you just heard revolved around splinter removal. Scout's honor, there was neither torture nor childbirth taking place. Although your ears might say otherwise.

it was ds8! I swear it looked like a delivery room. DS14 and DD13 are holding his hands. "Squeeze my hand, transfer the pain to me." DH is on the other end working on his foot, and I'm holding said foot to make sure it doesn't kick anything.

***


Here's a winner from ds14:

The kids were asking me about someone. I said, "I haven't seen her in awhile but we play candy crush together. We give each other lives sometimes." His quick response? "If only you could get your own."


~Jen

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