If you don't bring anything, pay for anything or help with anything, why should you get leftovers??

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Posted 11/27/2013 by SweetieBugs in NSBR Board
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SweetieBugs
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:25:35 PM
This is just a big ole vent for me to relieve some pressure!!!

My husband invites everyone here for all holidays and birthday (that is one problem).

His family are the only ones that come as mine lives 700 miles away (that is a second problem).

His mom and sister are what I call lazy cooks as they just don't put any effort into anything and seem to intentionally do a poor job to get out of entertaining (problem number three). I know not everyone can be an amazing cook (I'm not) but you'll have to believe me on this one.

For at least the past 5 years, they no longer even ask if they should (they would use the word "should" and not "could" bring something so we end up paying for everything (problem number four).

So, I shop, clean, prepare, cook, serve, clean up (with only a little help from my DH and 2 teens) and do the same for the next morning breakfast and lunch before they finally leave and they want leftovers!!!

I'm just tired of being treated like a restaurant that no one has to pay the bill for. I would just really like some cooperation and participation from everyone. I think that is fair.

What I am thankful for: my inlaws are good people. They don't smoke they don't drink to excess and they don't gamble. They are financially secure (that is a sore spot as we are the least financially set of all the families yet we spend $200 on holiday meals). They live 2 hours away. I've been doing my deep breathing exercises all week in preparation. Please give me strength. For all you that have wonderful in-laws, you are truly blessed.

lostinspace
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:30:04 PM
Who is handing out the leftovers into what containers?

Do they bring their own containers to take home food?

I would clean up after dinner and put the food away.


Please ignore my spelling mistakes

A proud Canadian Pea

love labs
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:32:25 PM
I might tell them that I had already planned to use the leftovers over the rest of the weekend, so I won't have to cook so often and can relax after handling Thanksgiving!


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jen1021
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:32:39 PM
ITA with lostinspace


Jen




smilesnpeacesigns
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:34:30 PM
Bless your heart, and I mean that sincerely. I would be grumpy too my girls have always pitched in some way or another, bringing something, or cleaning up, and helping prepare. Maybe you could say something like "I think I'm going to take the next holiday off ya'll can throw the next one" and see how that goes over! They might start scrambling to help you clean up!!


Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!

SueSume
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:36:26 PM
Call 'em up and assign 'em dishes (hopefully things that can be purchased, like pies from a good bakery or rolls, etc.) Or ask them to do some "last minute shopping" for you on the way to your house and have them pick up breakfast supplies. Say "Thanks!" when they hand the groceries over and add "What a good team we make! You shop and I cook!"


When it's clean up time, announce what a good bonding time it is over a sink full of bubbles
("C'mon MIL, you dry & SIL can put away.)


Tell people what you need.
Tell them again.
Possibly even again.


You CAN do this.


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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:36:27 PM
I would have no problem just telling them you want to keep the leftovers. They didn't even ask to bring anything? I would have them bring easy yet helpful items like a few bottles of wine, ice cream, cider etc. give them a decent size list of items to bring. Unless its too late



SweetieBugs
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:36:32 PM
Last year, my MIL hung out at the counter as I was cleaning up (not helping but scoping out the left overs). As I was dishing them up into containers, she says "oh, I don't think that is all going to fit, you can put that in a second container and I'll take that off your hands". After that, what are you supposed to say to keep things friendly and not have a confrontation??

Also, this year, we have three pies and my husband told his sister we have more than enough pie and she said good because she wanted leftovers of each. So, they are obviously very ballsy with their behavior. I just don't think there is anything I can do that wouldn't make it a bad-feelings situation (except for me having the bad feelings for them being so rude).

lostinspace
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:36:37 PM

Maybe you could say something like "I think I'm going to take the next holiday off ya'll can throw the next one" and see how that goes over! They might start scrambling to help you clean up!!


I don't do passive-aggressive.

I am more direct and to the point when there are freeloaders around.


Please ignore my spelling mistakes

A proud Canadian Pea

~SuburbanMom~
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:40:14 PM
Call them up and ask if they can bring a bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, and two bottles of sparkling apple cider.



lostinspace
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:40:18 PM

she says "oh, I don't think that is all going to fit, you can put that in a second container and I'll take that off your hands". After that, what are you supposed to say to keep things friendly and not have a confrontation??


reply with "I have other containers to put the food in." Say it nicely (not sugar-sweet), just simply.


Please ignore my spelling mistakes

A proud Canadian Pea

SweetieBugs
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:40:58 PM
Last year, my DH got offended that I was asking his parents to bring anything. We have been married 20 years but this type of opinion has only started cropping up the past few years. My IL's are financially very secure, retired and in very good health. How hard is it to make or purchase a pie?


Clearly, a lot of my trouble starts with my husband's behavior. I don't know why I should feel bad for asking them to bring a pie. My DH ended up buying them at Costco last year (so we did end up paying and providing the pie ourselves anyway).

merrick
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:41:09 PM
my friend and i just had a conversation about this - her sisters bring their tupperware and start packing it up for themselves, as people are enjoying tea after their meal. it drives her NUTS for the exact same reasons you list.

one sister has no kids, one sister just has a baby (which of course means she is far to overwhelmed to bring anything or help wash up)... and my friend has three kids under 7.

she mentioned it to her mom that it makes her anxious; like she should be immediately cleaning up (never mind the other stuff). of course her mom spoke to her sisters so now they are a slightly more respectful about their vulture behaviour....circle around a little while before they swoop in. and they even seem to take a wee bit less.

sorry, it does suck.

gmcwife1
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:41:48 PM
Don't host the next holiday and don't feel guilty about it.

Don't make so much that you have enough leftovers for them to take home.

Ask them to help, bring something or pitch in.

You can't wish them to change, the only way you might get them to is to be upfront and direct.

~ Dori ~

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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:44:10 PM

So, they are obviously very ballsy with their behavior.


Sounds like it's time to get ballsy back at them...nicely, of course

sues
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:44:33 PM
I feel for you.

My SIL and her SO would come with a store bought pie to every holiday meal and expect me to send home enough leftovers to replicate the meal again the next day- a little extra for lunch was always encouraged. Don't forget pie, for dessert the next day, too!

They never helped with a thing, wouldn't even pass their dishes when I was clearing. It was maddening. Oh- and if I was gone for more than 10 minutes, cleaning up and putting away (and packaging leftovers!) they'd yell at me for being gone too long. It wasn't enough for me to do everything- they wanted it done on their terms.

I don't invite them anymore. I cut them off a couple of years ago.

I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving in spite of the aggravation. Maybe try to say "I'm sorry- there aren't enough leftovers to give you."

PEArfect
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:46:52 PM
Problem #1, If my husband invited everyone over without talking with me first he would be doing the majority of the shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I bet after doing that once he wouldn't offer before talking with me first.

Problem #2 and #3, I would be alternating who hosts so it wasn't the same person every year. That's only fair.

Problem #4, I would let everyone know whether to bring a dessert or side dish. "You can bring xxx, thank you." Not "can you bring xxx?"

If your husband isn't supportive of any of these changes refer back to my solution for problem #1. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat. Speak up or things will never change.


Jen


Christine58
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:47:05 PM
Go buy HUGE containers for leftovers. I'd also start assigning dishes for them to bring. I would also be having a "Come to Jesus meeting" with my kids and DH. Put your foot down.



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moveablefeast
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:52:41 PM
I don't know. I have a house FULL coming tomorrow - I'm already cooking up a storm - and out of 24 people, only one of them will contribute anything meaningful to the preparation. Half of them were invited by someone else. And I am quite sure that at least two households' worth of people will be asking for leftovers. Am I annoyed by it - having at least three hours' worth of work to do tonight and still having a turkey, a ham, and two vegetarian main dishes to prep tomorrow? You betcha. Is there anything I can do without looking like a jerk? No, not really.

I guess - and I don't mean this disparagingly - I'm just putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it. Okay, so they want leftovers and they didn't do anything to "earn" them. Well, there were plenty of years when I was younger that someone else did all the work, too. So I am just doing all the work this year and trying not to keep score with anybody. They can have the leftovers, they're just leftovers. Maybe it will bless them and I won't even realize it. So on go my big girl panties. If that's what I've got to gripe about tomorrow, well, I'm ahead of the game because I CAN buy and prep all the food for that many people.

Sorry, I know it sucks. I'm just telling you how I'm dealing with it. Big girl panties. I'm not HAPPY about it, but it's Thanksgiving, I don't want drama on Thanksgiving.

marycain
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:52:49 PM
It sounds like the leftovers are just part of a bigger problem. Have you talked with your DH about not inviting your inlaws for every occasion? If he wants them there, he needs to pitch in and take some of the burden off of you. Since they live two hours away, could you meet somewhere in the middle and just have a meal at a restaurant?

While you may not be able to change the inlaws' behavior, you can change your teens. Assign them specific tasks to help you out. Same with your DH - tell him what you need him to do to help. They may not be offering because they think you have everything under control.

myboysnme
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:54:36 PM
I understand that 2Peas is for venting so no issue there. But why is it a problem to share what you have? Is there perhaps a reason they want some leftovers? My mother always always always made sure her parents had a plate of leftovers to enjoy later. In fact she fixed the plates as she was putting the food away. They only travelled less than an hour and didn't bring anything but themselves and they went home with a plate of food. I can't imagine denying or begrudging my mom or family a plate of leftovers.

I am a lousy cook, really lousy. My cousin still invites my family to travel 2 hours to her home for Thanksgiving but we no longer do. I used to think it was as much work to get my family packed up, my pets tended, and drive 2 hours, then later drive 2 hours home; I would offer to bring whatever and then she would ask me to bring rolls and when I would get there she already had rolls or whatever she asked me to bring. I just stopped bringing anything.

When I choose to have people over for a meal I am happy for them to eat whatever they want and take some home if they'd like to. I generally don't have people in my home for holidays that I don't like or am not related to.

In other words, either offer your home and hearth with an open heart or don't host the family meal. When I used to drive 6 hours to visit my inlaws once a year I did not feel I needed to provide anything and if they visited me I did not expect them to buy anything.

But I understand the vent. I just think you would feel happier to give with an open heart and don't begrudge anyone a few leftovers. Buy a few extra pounds of turkey, mash up a few extra potatoes, tear up half a loaf more of bread for stuffing. Then you have plenty for yourself and to share. I do think $200 is a whole lot for a meal unless you are going all out. I am feeding 6 adult males and spent about $50, but I just serve the basics. I can't afford it any other way.


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smilesnpeacesigns
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:57:20 PM
I know you are just venting, and are probably not going to do anything except keep slaving over holiday meals. I feel for you and would give you a hug, it's hard being the cook and not getting any kisses. {{HUGS}}


Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!

ilovecookies
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Posted: 11/27/2013 5:59:41 PM

"oh, I don't think that is all going to fit, you can put that in a second container and I'll take that off your hands".


reply: "No, we're going to keep it. It will be our (lunch/dinner/whatever) for the rest of the week."

Seriously. If they are being ballsy and asking, it's time to be ballsy right back and say no.

For regular guests, I wouldn't think twice about passing out leftovers. But if they are constantly freeloading and not contributing, then it's time to say a firm no.

Also, ITA with this:

It sounds like the leftovers are just part of a bigger problem. Have you talked with your DH about not inviting your inlaws for every occasion? If he wants them there, he needs to pitch in and take some of the burden off of you. Since they live two hours away, could you meet somewhere in the middle and just have a meal at a restaurant?

While you may not be able to change the inlaws' behavior, you can change your teens. Assign them specific tasks to help you out. Same with your DH - tell him what you need him to do to help.





sues
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:02:10 PM

But why is it a problem to share what you have?

For me, when I host a holiday meal, I've spent a week cleaning, shopping, preparing and ultimately, cooking.

If someone is going to have the leftovers for a meal the next day- it's going to be me;the one who shouldn't have to lift a finger the next day.

In other words, either offer your home and hearth with an open heart or don't host the family meal.

On the flip side- guests should come prepared to enjoy and appreciate the meal, the home and the company- and that's it. No one should expect to take home a shopping bag with a meal for the next day.

anxiousmom
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:08:16 PM
I would suggest that next year y'all take the money you would have spent and go out for a really nice dinner-but that might start a whole new argument on your thread and I don't want to do that. (But that is what *I* would do.)

Second option:

Double up on everything. Two turkeys, double mashed potatoes. Whatever. Call the in-laws and very excitedly say "I HAD THE BEST IDEA!! I know how much everyone loves leftovers, so I thought I would make and extra turkey and double up some of the sides. If you guys like the idea, would you be willing to contribute to the cost of this? I can get a great deal if I buy two turkeys at the same time." Blah blah blah

Maybe if you present it as a deal, neither your husband or your in-laws would be offended?

GramaSue
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:11:54 PM
I agree that there probably isn't much you can do [graciously] about problems 1 to 4, but clean-up?
We had the same thing going on with our adult children. What I did was just stop. After dinner, I take my coffee and go sit. If anyone joins me, we have a nice chat about what a lovely dinner it was. They got the hint and started the table clearing and dish washing. I could overhear the conversations in the kitchen - "Okay, who's turn is it to dry?", etc. I knew I was probably going to be searching for my dishes for a week, because they weren't put back in their proper places, but I made myself just stop caring about that. If anyone asked me where something went, I just said "I'm off duty, just put them wherever there's room".
Remember, these people WILL leave, and then you will have your house to yourself again, and can put things back where they belong.
The important thing is to enjoy the time with the family and have fun and try to relax! Happy Thanksgiving!

SMayer
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:12:42 PM
OP, I'm sorry. Thanksgiving is supposed to be a happy time spent with family or friends. I can't even imagine. I'd give DH the notice ahead that you are absolutely not hosting next time.

UpNorth Scrapper
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:13:02 PM
In the future you could ask them to bring something. I doubt they'd mind bringing a dessert or appetizer. Since they are eating breakfast and lunch, I'd just use the leftovers for lunch.


Ellen

SweetieBugs
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:20:27 PM
Thanks for the overwelming positive thoughts. I was prepare to get a bit slammed so it is nice to have some support.

Last year, I told my DH I was not going to do Thankgiving and Christmas but he completely disregarding my statement and went ahead and arranged everything for here. I pretty much exploded and had some very angry days with him. I made it very clear he was planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, serving and cleaning up everything. Can you guess how that worked out? He doesn't have the first idea how to plan a meal or what goes into making stuffing or potatoes or gravy. The man can't even remember where the can opener is for heavens sake!! In the end, I did about 80% of the work but made him do some side dishes and do some cleaning.

I have learned that I have to bear these tense situations and just ride them out. I just haven't been able to change him or come to a better compromise.

Sometimes you have to weigh the good and the bad to determine the strength of your marriage. He drives me very crazy a lot of the time but he tries to be a good husband and is always a good father.

devildog
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:34:51 PM

Have you talked with your DH about not inviting your inlaws for every occasion? If he wants them there, he needs to pitch in and take some of the burden off of you.


I SO agree with this.

My Dh wanted to invite his sister over for every holiday. Every.single.one. I can't stand his sister, and I have very, very good reasons for it. But, I sucked it up for the first several years we were married. Then, she got to be too much for me. She'd show up late, sleep on the couch during a party, pack her "leftover to-go plate" as I was plating food to put out for guests, before anyone ate.

Then, one year, the Saturday before Mother's Day, DH told me he invited his sister, her boyfriend of the month, and kids over. For MY Mother's Day. He was in so many words saying I needed to shop, clean, cook and entertain his sister for Mother's Day.

Oh...HELL NO.

I told him I wasn't doing it, he was on his own. He thought I'd cave in, change my mind, whatever. I didn't. When she called to say she was on her way, I got up and left. I'll never forget the look on his face. He thought I was kidding, but I wasn't and I didn't come home until they left.

He never did that again. And now, when we do entertain, he helps clean, shop, set up and clean up.

Good luck to you, cause I get where you're coming from.



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brokenbrain
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:39:44 PM
My ex MIL used to give away our leftovers to her free loading niece and husband who were always late and never brought anything. Once I even got then making out on my bed. Yuck!

I finally spoke to my (then) husband and he spoke to his mom and she never did it again. It was causing me to be anxious and not want to host.

I feel for you. I'm just not vocal enough for myself. Thankfully my ex didn't share that issue.


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alicejane2
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Posted: 11/27/2013 6:53:59 PM
I had always had every major holiday meal at our house since we were married. My late husband always helped with the shopping and house clean up.

One year I was in the hospital the week of Thanksgiving. It was only going to be me, him, our daughter and her boyfriend for Thanksgiving dinner that year.

He did everything that year since I was still in the hospital. Later he told me that even though he always helped, he didn't realize how much work I really did for those meals. Our daughter told me that she didn't think Daddy was going to be able to do what he did. She also said it wasn't like when I did the meal, but she ate it and told him he did a very good job. She realized how much work the whole hoiday thing was.

I am not suggesting that you go to the hospital. Just hand out some of that work to the others in your family.

scrappychica22
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Posted: 11/27/2013 7:35:22 PM
I feel you. My MIL always cooks for all of us(20) when we are all together. Only me and my husbands sister ever offer to help, and we both usually help clean up as well. The other two daughter-in-laws never lift a finger. It irritates me to no end. And one of them always claims/snags all the leftovers. MIL and FIL are both retired and I know have a fairly limited income. I think the kids should be paying for dinner. MIL would never let us but I still feel that way. And as per usual the same thing is/will happen this year. MIL is lucky she has it at her house so I keep my mouth shut.


Kimber



Angieh1996
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Posted: 11/27/2013 7:43:03 PM
My family does that. Dh & I host and cook and no one offers to help or to bring anything. My mom asked what Dh & I were doing for thanksgiving. I just simply said oh we're not hosting this year. You or sister can decide between the 2 of you. She was a little miffed but that's to bad. I'm tired of slaving away and have them walk in literally 30min before we eat then demand left overs.


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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/27/2013 7:55:33 PM
I totally get it. I'm usually the one who slaves the most over meals. My DH and I makes the least amount of money out of everyone but we (read: me) usually contribute the most to the meal.

My brother usually cooks the turkey and maybe cooks rice, but he always tries to take the most leftovers home, plus some for his girlfriends and his lazy roommate (who is also DHs brother). When BIL comes (he's not welcome in my house but is in my moms house) he never brings anything, claims he has no money because he can't work although he always has enough money for cigarettes and weed. But he's always packing the biggest to go box and it drives me insane!! I cook the majority of the meal and I get to take home less than a days worth, because I'm cleaning while he's packing, while he contributes nothing and has enough food for a week.

So vent away, I totally get what you mean and I don't judge you for being frustrated at all!


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Posted: 11/27/2013 8:07:02 PM
My husband is doing the turkey to take to my daughter's tomorrow. He was saying he hoped there was some left. He slices it up before we go so I told him to just keep some. I have hosted many times and I don't mind some taking leftovers but some that do it grates on my nerves. We always have way too much...but the same people that bring too much should get first shot at leftovers. I am a peace keeper. Hate family squabbles so I just stay quiet and if I want something again I just fix it later.

clee321
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Posted: 11/27/2013 8:14:58 PM
I have never hosted, so that is probably why I had NO IDEA this was an issue. Learning for the future I guess.



CreativeEngineer
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Posted: 11/27/2013 8:26:54 PM
I've honestly never had anyone demand or even ask for leftovers. But maybe that's because I ALWAYS offer them to everyone. So no need to ask maybe?? I dunno.

My DS has finals next week so I intentionally over cooked so I could send home a lot with him. And I send the dark meat turkey home with DD as her kids like it and no one here will eat it. Vegan DIL gets all the leftovers from the dishes I made for her too.

Were not big leftover eaters in my house so I'd rather it go home with someone who'll eat it than stay in my fridge until I toss it. But if we would eat it, I'd be miffed it my family acted like OP's. As my 8 yo would say "How RUDE!!!!!"

And every year I say next year I'm going to get dinner catered. And then I never do. But I'm getting closer. I'm kind of over cooking for two days for a 20 minute meal.





stampchick
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Posted: 11/27/2013 8:34:30 PM

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Mallie
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Posted: 11/27/2013 8:44:44 PM

Last year, I told my DH I was not going to do Thankgiving and Christmas but he completely disregarding my statement and went ahead and arranged everything for here. I pretty much exploded and had some very angry days with him. I made it very clear he was planning, shopping, preparing, cooking, serving and cleaning up everything. Can you guess how that worked out? He doesn't have the first idea how to plan a meal or what goes into making stuffing or potatoes or gravy. The man can't even remember where the can opener is for heavens sake!! In the end, I did about 80% of the work but made him do some side dishes and do some cleaning.

I have learned that I have to bear these tense situations and just ride them out. I just haven't been able to change him or come to a better compromise.

Well, you didn't HAVE to do the work. You could have taught him the lesson that you meant what you said and let him deal with the consequences of his choice. Instead you taught him that he could promise and you'd deliver. So what's worse -- dealing with your dh's disrespect or being angry and resentful about the entire holiday?

Mary Kay Lady
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Posted: 11/27/2013 9:42:40 PM

Well, Sweetie, the problem starts closer to home with your DH.


Clearly, a lot of my trouble starts with my husband's behavior. I don't know why I should feel bad for asking them to bring a pie. My DH ended up buying them at Costco last year (so we did end up paying and providing the pie ourselves anyway).


He invites them and then expects you to do all the cooking and cleaning and then share the left overs? Hire a housekeeper to help clean your house, order turkey and the fixings from the grocery store (already cooked).



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mom2cameron
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Posted: 11/27/2013 11:46:05 PM
This happens in our family too. My cousin is bringing his family of 4 and his wife's brother and his 3 kids and is contributing a cheese cake. Really? He will be the first to make a to-go plate.


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SickNtired
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Posted: 11/28/2013 12:38:46 AM
Jeez, if you are going to be so stingy with your leftover don't offer them.


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Llemarra
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Posted: 11/28/2013 1:14:30 AM
I think you should make nice little cards next year inviting those that your husband insists.

The card should read:

Dear Family and or friends or who ever:

In the past we have hosted Thanksgiving dinner in our home and had wonderful meals. This year I would like to invite everyone again but am asking that each of you bring the following:

Tina... 1 vegetable, 1 bread, 1 desert
Aunt Faye.. 1 vegetable, 1 desert and 2 3L of soft drinks
Lisa Lou.. 1 vegetable and 1 kid friendly appetizer.

I will be providing the Turkey, dressing, 1 vegetable and 1 salad and our home for the gathering.

Please help with the holiday dinner so that I might enjoy the evening before and the morning also. Please RSVP to me by XXXX so that we can all know what everyone is bringing so that we do not have 3 sweet potato casseroles. Please be prepared to take the left overs from your dishes home so that I will have room in the refridge for mine.

All my love,

Betty Sue..


(Get my idea?)


or flat out tell hubby, nope we are going to go out for dinner!

nighthawk
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Posted: 11/28/2013 3:17:40 AM
When someone asks for leftovers I would just say, I spent all the time prepping this I'm planning on the leftovers being my easy way out for the next couple days.

Also as far as teens and DH go. Assign them cleanup duty. When dinner is over. Hand them the dish towels and rags and go put your feet up.

lesserknownpea
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Posted: 11/28/2013 4:42:28 AM
wow.. I had no idea so many people expect leftovers, and some even bring containers to fill up. I feel so naïve.

TalissaAmity
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Posted: 11/28/2013 5:26:49 AM
You poor thing. I'd get sick of doing everything for people who do nothing to help.

Can you suggest going to a restaurant and everyone can pay their own way?


hop2
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:19:55 AM
I give people left overs to get rid of them. I have a cousin that does the same thing.

You need to be more firm. There's an example of a thanksgiving letter out there on the internet of a more firm approach to thanksgiving help. maybe use that as a guide

But seriously though, as a previous poster said maybe a simple "you can bring XYZ" would help. And a talk with your DH about inviting people. And lastly if your family is all far away and you feel like you need an ally at holiday time is there a friend that you can invite? Even if it's just for the emotional support of having someone there FOR YOU.

IF nothing else works then maybe leave it all in the pile of not stressing over the things you cant change. (and yes I know it is easier said than done ) sometimes if you can assign an unchanging stressor to this label you can look at it differently and stress less. If you can successfully mentally transfer it into that category in your head then you can move on and enjoy other things.

momto4kiddos
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Posted: 11/28/2013 6:25:20 AM

Well, you didn't HAVE to do the work. You could have taught him the lesson that you meant what you said and let him deal with the consequences of his choice. Instead you taught him that he could promise and you'd deliver.


Totally agree with this! I have the same problem about telling dh that he'll be responsible for xyz and then he can't deliver and I have to step in. It's maddening and most of the time easier to step in but there is nothing that says you HAVE to! Trust me I know this, but have a hard time putting it into action also!

I do have one suggestion...tomorrow why not take yourself out to get your nails done or black friday shopping right before lunch? You certainly deserve a break and it would be good for hubby to have to deal with his family and lunch instead of you slaving away!

My dh used to allow his mother to announce she was coming for a visit for what I felt was longer than I could handle. He'd then go about his business, working or whatever leaving me with her. I finally got smart and made sure I took breaks by myself often My feeling is it's his family, she loves spending time with just him so have at i'll be shopping

sharonmnc
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Posted: 11/28/2013 7:10:55 AM


I don't know. I have a house FULL coming tomorrow - I'm already cooking up a storm - and out of 24 people, only one of them will contribute anything meaningful to the preparation. Half of them were invited by someone else. And I am quite sure that at least two households' worth of people will be asking for leftovers. Am I annoyed by it - having at least three hours' worth of work to do tonight and still having a turkey, a ham, and two vegetarian main dishes to prep tomorrow?
I couldn't cook for that many. They would have to contribute. They probably just don't realize it. You have to speak up and ask people to bring stuff.

I cook for our family and MIL sometimes calls We'd. afternoon to see if she can bring anything. Seriously? DH asked her to bring pie one year and she brought one 8" pie for 12 people. Fortunately I had anticipated that she would cheap out when she found out how expensive bakery pies are and make my own, another year she made low "chloresteral" "pun'kin" (how she says it drives me crazy) pie with Sweet & Low. Gross. I think she does a sh*tty job so she won't be asked again.

The worst part is she sits at the table and blathers on about nothing for hours so by the time we clean up it's late and I'm really tired.


Sharon

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