Would this be rude of me?

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Posted 4/17/2014 by C3PeaO in NSBR Board


PeaNut 93,552
June 2003
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:10:09 AM
I'm hosting Easter for my DH's family. There will be 10 of us. SIL has dietary restrictions and eats gluten free and dairy free. There are always enough options for the meal that she has enough to eat. Where I really struggle is dessert - other than meringues there are not a lot of options that are both GF and DF (and still appealing to the kids of the family).

SIL is also allergic to bananas.

I have been itching to try making a banoffee pie, which has bananas and which she would be allergic to (not severely - she can be around them, just can't eat them). SIL does not typically eat dessert with us because of her gluten and dairy restrictions. Would it be rude of me to make the pie this weekend? If I didn't make the pie then most of the other desserts we would consider (lemon pie, coconut cake, etc.) would still be off limits to her because of the gluten and dairy.

I do make sure I have a bowl of Jelly Belly beans around for her to munch on to satisfy her sweet tooth.


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PeaNut 596,302
October 2013
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:15:43 AM
How about a faux triffle?
Use cool whip, large supply. Toss in blueberries, strawberries, and any other fruit she can eat............then offer angel food cake for those who wish to use the cake as a base and spoon the triffle over it.

Plan enough for large serving of the cool whip and fruit for those who want it.

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PeaNut 265,707
June 2006
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:16:01 AM
I personally would make the pie, but would also provide an appropriate dessert for SIL. Dairy free ice cream with fresh berries or a non-dairy yogurt panna cotta or something simple. A make ahead or purchased dessert would simplify food prep on the day of.

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PeaNut 43,061
July 2002
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:17:43 AM
Of course you should make it. Just have something suitable like a pavlova or something along that line for her and others. Multiple desserts are not a rude thing to have. If you lorded the banoffee over her, then yes it would be rude. Just have the banoffee, something else and some fruit and call it good.

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PeaNut 201,774
April 2005
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:24:51 AM
I think you're fine with just supplying the jelly beans for her, in addition to whatever dessert you want to serve everyone else. I don't think you need a second whole dessert. Has she offered to bring a dessert she can eat?

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PeaNut 319,914
June 2007
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:30:34 AM

Has she offered to bring a dessert she can eat?
This is what we do. I LOVE bringing a dessert to share that suits our diet. We are bringing vegan dark chocolate cupcakes with lavender icing. I would ask her if she would bring a dessert and say how you'd love to try a GF/DF dessert that she enjoys.

*** Unless this thread is going to turn into the OP coming back and saying SIL is the kind who doesn't cook and expects people to cater to her dietary needs. It's two peas, it's possible!

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PeaNut 183,518
January 2005
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:36:00 AM
I'd make the pie but I'd also have a large mixed fruit salad for her dessert, instead of jelly beans. I'm on a sugar free diet and love fruit as a substitute to the sugary desserts. Berries, grapes, strawberries, kiwi, apple, mandarin oranges, peach, pair, etc.

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PeaNut 43,893
July 2002
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Posted: 4/17/2014 8:39:08 AM
Check out your local market for Passover desserts, many ( not all ) are GF , some are DF. I used to but my mother Passover desserts all the time.


PeaNut 218,144
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Posted: 4/17/2014 9:23:51 AM
As someone who is gluten, diary and refined sugar free I say make it! I would not expect someone else to make a special dessert for me. I would just go without or bring something that I could eat.

4 of my 5 children are celiac and we signed up to bring muffins for our Easter brunch. I did this so I know I can bring something gluten free that they are free to eat. It gives me a chance to surprise others that gluten free can be good!


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PeaNut 43,843
July 2002
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Posted: 4/17/2014 9:32:40 AM
She can go without dessert or you can have a berry salad.

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PeaNut 35,457
April 2002
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Posted: 4/17/2014 9:36:11 AM
Baking GF isn't easy. I am a decent baker and tried to do some for my sister this spring when she came to town and it was a lot more fussy than I would have liked. I agree with the fruit option. If she really wants something unique or special maybe she would bring it or have it later that day.

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PeaNut 274,243
August 2006
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Posted: 4/17/2014 9:56:43 AM
Definitely make your pie. The rest of your company should not suffer because she has such restrictive needs. It is very kind of you to be so concerned. I would make sure to have some cut up fruit on hand so she has something. Good luck!

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PeaNut 157,667
July 2004
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Posted: 4/17/2014 10:37:38 AM
No dietary restrictions here, but I always make 2-3 different deserts for holidays. We always have pumpkin pie as some love it. Then I'll make another pie and/or cheesecake for others. In your situation I would make the pie you are thinking of, and then make a fresh fruit bowl of some sort. You may have others that would love some fruit also.

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PeaNut 168,696
September 2004
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Posted: 4/17/2014 10:44:40 AM
I am sugar free, and we almost always bring a bowl of organic berries. Strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and sometimes blackberries.
YUM! we bring enough for everyone, because family members like to have this healthy alternative.

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PeaNut 181,836
December 2004
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Posted: 4/17/2014 10:44:54 AM
ask her to bring a dessert that she can eat.


PeaNut 514,615
July 2011
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Posted: 4/17/2014 10:45:11 AM

I don't think you need a second whole dessert.

We would in my family! For 10, I'd do the pie and a second dessert that she could eat.


PeaNut 138,670
March 2004
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Posted: 4/17/2014 12:56:00 PM
I would make what you want for your family and provide something else such as fruit salad or fresh strawberries. If she's the baking type, ask her to bring something she likes such as flourless choclate cake or something...


PeaNut 145,959
May 2004
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Posted: 4/17/2014 1:00:11 PM
Dairy free pudding? What about buying a carton of soy ice cream for her? What about a dark chocolate assortment? Dark chocolate covered strawberries?


PeaNut 510,579
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Posted: 4/17/2014 1:07:01 PM
Forgotten cookies are gluten and dairy free, easy and well liked. I would make those and the pie.

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PeaNut 101,638
August 2003
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Posted: 4/17/2014 1:24:02 PM
I would make it. I have a sil with numerous allergies (dairy, gluten, nuts, fructose) and sometimes she will just bring her own dessert for her and her daughter with allergies.

You are not being rude at all! My dh has gluten (celiac) and banana allergies and I still make things with bananas. He just doesn't eat it obviously.

I don't know about your sil, but mine barely eats anything at anyone else's house. Maybe a trust thing that the food truly doesn't have allergens in it etc? I have gone out of my way to make sure she has something and she hasn't even had anything to eat at all.

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PeaNut 96,783
July 2003
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Posted: 4/17/2014 1:33:48 PM
A pie doesn't serve that many people so the 2nd desert can be something she can eat. I'd call her and ask what you can make that she would enjoy. That gives her the option of saying "Why don't I bring one".


PeaNut 421,228
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Posted: 4/17/2014 1:54:38 PM
Do you have any stores or restaurants in your area that offer gluten free desserts? I would make a pie then call around to see if you can purchase a second dessert that suits her. My aunt is GF/DF and we have found cupcakes she can eat. In her city there is a gluten free bakery and a Whole Foods grocery that offer many things. Even Kroger carries gluten free cake mixes.


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PeaNut 465,849
April 2010
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Posted: 4/17/2014 3:35:16 PM
Sure why not? As long as you offer something else that she can have. I'd probably call and ask her as well.



PeaNut 167,464
September 2004
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Posted: 4/17/2014 3:55:47 PM
I have crazy food allergies and would never expect anyone to cater to me. It's nice to be thought of, and for example MIL always has something I can have, but I am so used to avoiding stuff at this point it wouldn't be a huge deal for me.

It's really nice that you are thinking of her though!!

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PeaNut 168,158
September 2004
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Posted: 4/17/2014 5:32:08 PM
I have a lot of food sensitivities and dont usually eat dessert. A bowl of fresh berries or something similar, would probably be very nice.



PeaNut 183,117
January 2005
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Posted: 4/17/2014 7:38:20 PM
Make what you want and then make her a little treat too. It doesn't have to be something complicated.

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PeaNut 16,228
June 2001
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Posted: 4/17/2014 9:26:05 PM
If someone had that many dietary restrictions, I would hope they would offer to provide some acceptable food and/or dessert. She knows what she can eat and what will taste good. It shouldn't be all on you. You're already doing a lot to make sure she will have enough options.


PeaNut 93,552
June 2003
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Posted: 4/17/2014 9:31:40 PM
She has not offered to bring her own dessert.

I think I'm going to take the suggestion of making the pie and also getting some fresh fruit. I also did pick up some Jelly Bellies. Normally I'd probably make another dessert also but given that it's Easter and we're having an egg hunt and it will be chocolate overload... I don't want to go overboard. Unfortunately we don't have a good place to pick up this kind of thing (small town) - otherwise I would totally farm it out!

Thanks for the opinions.

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PeaNut 27,235
January 2002
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Posted: 4/17/2014 10:01:17 PM
Make the pie and tell her she can bring her own dessert or settle for the jelly beans. I am so sick of accommodating all these restrictions. She can always stay home.

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PeaNut 324,347
June 2007
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Posted: 4/17/2014 10:40:55 PM
I would suggest that she bring her own dessert if she's unable to eat the one I was providing. I personally think it's RUDE of her not to offer. Ugh.


PeaNut 494,100
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Posted: 4/17/2014 10:46:29 PM
It's actually rude of a host to not try to accommodate all of their guests. We but gluten free mixes from Duncan Heinz and if you make them with vegan butter and soy milk they are allergy free for the most part and as easy as making mix brownies or cookies.
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PeaNut 34,374
March 2002
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Posted: 4/18/2014 2:57:18 AM
My Mil has Celiac and I like to buy her a tub of Kozy Shack Rice Pudding for her to have for dessert. As long as you provide sonething for her, then it doesn't seem rude to have a dessert she can't have.
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PeaNut 582,980
March 2013
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Posted: 4/18/2014 3:57:05 AM
My son has multiple food allergies (rice is one of them). I never expect anyone to be able to feed him, but I wouldn't be happy if my brothers or my husband's sibling made rice pudding for dessert. In fact, I would probably be hurt and possibly a little pissed. It just seems super inconsiderate.

Go to the store and buy a gluten free brownie mix for heaven's sake. There should be some that are dairy free, and if calls for milk use almond milk or soy in its place. If it needs butter earth balance is a vegan substitute, and one she probably wouldn't mind for the veggies at dinner.


PeaNut 582,980
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Posted: 4/18/2014 4:11:25 AM
I wanted to clarify that if your only dessert had dairy and gluten I would understand. Most people cant think outside that box until they have to. But, to use an easily avoidable ingredient that she is allergic to because it would be fun for you just smacks of not caring about your sister in law.

I like the fruit salad / macerated fruit idea. As a parent, I'd be excited for my kids and I to have this for dessert.

BTW there banana puree in some Jelly Bellies. So I really don't suggest saying that is her alternative.

Having food allergies can be a very isolating experience especially at holidays where things revolve around food. This is a chance for you to go the extra mile to show some care for your SIL.


PeaNut 222,672
September 2005
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Posted: 4/18/2014 6:35:07 AM
Why not make a sorbet, raspberry, lemon, champagne and serve that with fresh berries. One of our favourite desserts is homemade raspberry sorbet with fresh pineapple and toasted coconut.
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PeaNut 57,475
December 2002
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Posted: 4/18/2014 10:00:21 AM
Sigh.....I am SO OVER planning around everyone's dietary needs. I think as long as you have a nice variety and there is SOMETHING that she or whoever else can eat, I think it is perfectly fine to have whatever dessert you want to have. She shouldn't be offended if it is on the table.


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PeaNut 287,526
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Posted: 4/18/2014 10:09:53 AM

Why not make a sorbet, raspberry, lemon, champagne and serve that with fresh berries. One of our favourite desserts is homemade raspberry sorbet with fresh pineapple and toasted coconut.

That sounds delicious.

I'm in the camp of having two desserts. When I have our immediate family over, we're about 12 people. I usually offer a chocolate cake and a non-chocolate dessert. Frankly, I didn't know what a banoffee pie was, so I looked it up. It sounds way too sweet to me. I'd probably pass it up myself in favor of something less rich. Offer two choices for everybody.

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