Divorced peas: will you give your kids money to buy gifts for your EX? Father's day, Christmas...
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 9/17/2010 by SharlaG in NSBR Board
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SharlaG
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:36:17 PM
and birthday? (don't know why I had to itemize the events...)

I funded father's day and birthday for them this time (we were divorCING over the spring when the birthdays and those holidays occurred), and I know my MOM funded mother's day and my birthday-- the EX did NOT pay for my 2 gifts during the divorce. Maybe if my mom hadn't have done so, he would have stepped up.

Just wondering what you all did/do.

I know I think it's the right thing to help the kids give to their dad, but feel petty resentment that he didn't and probably won't for me.







--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.




Nicksmom2
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:41:54 PM
I'm a lurker but wanted to reply.. hope that's ok!

I have been divorced since August 2006 and separated since 2005. I still take my boys out and buy their dad a gift. I just feel it's the right thing to do. He never does it for me. And I mean NEVER. It has gotten so bad my son who was 10 at the time rode his bike down the street to a garage sale and bought me a really ugly pin. He gave it to me and said, "I know you won't like it, but I wanted to get you SOMETHING and dad wouldn't take me". Unbelievable! But I still do it. And will always do it. And believe you me, it pisses me off. But it's the right thing to do and my kids in the end will know that I always took the high road. They get it.

HTH!

~Karen

honeybeepea
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:42:29 PM
Nope.

My SO and I raise his kids. SO makes a point (at my urging) to ask them if they would like to make a card or go buy a card, then I mail them, but that's the end of it. The kids haven't asked to buy a gift, but they rarely see their mom on those holidays. They do see her at Christmas, but we haven't sent them with gifts for her. I think that their mom's mom takes them to do Christmas shopping, so the gift buying probably happens there.

I'm sure we would take them to buy small gifts if they asked.


heartcat
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:42:37 PM
While ds was younger exdh and I continued to do what we had done throughout our marriage. Which was take him to do his shopping for each other, on birthdays, Christmas and Father's/Mother's Day, and to pay for the gifts.

When we each remarried, until ds was old enough to be working and buying things on his own, our spouses took over organizing that with him.

If my ex hadn't been willing to do this, I would have enlisted the help of my mom, or my sister or brother, to take him shopping and given them the money to purchase my gifts.

I wouldn't ever have just let him not have something for me even if I had to pay for it myself. And I'd have continued to ensure that he had something for his father.

Thankfully it was never an issue for us.



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Kim M.
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:45:15 PM
Verbal agreement between ex and I following divorce.

My son got $20.00 from me for each Father's Day, Ex's Birthday and Christmas. I took him shopping to make sure he spent the full $20 and to guide him toward appropriate gifts and cards.

Ex did the same, most of the time. There were a couple of times when my son's weekends with his dad had a gap between then and the holiday and he basically forgot.

But, as a back up, my Mom would always ask my son a day or 2 before hand if he had something for me. If he didn't, she would take him shopping to pick something out. In the 6 years or so (of this happening before my son turned 18), I think my Mom had to take him shopping only a few times.


Kim

maddieksmom
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:45:36 PM

my son who was 10 at the time rode his bike down the street to a garage sale and bought me a really ugly pin. He gave it to me and said, "I know you won't like it, but I wanted to get you SOMETHING



SallyPA
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:48:17 PM
I did take them shopping for his Christmas and bday gifts and spent around $30. Father's day, they drew him pictures/cards/etc, it was more low key. I just figure that it's the right thing to do in my situation. I don't know if I always will. For this upcoming Christmas, I'll let the girls pick out something little and then I had beautiful pics taken of them and will give him one of those.




Rumplesnat
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:52:10 PM
I've always taken my son shopping for his dad's birthday and Father's day. I also take him shopping for Christmas gifts for his dad, step-mom, and step-sister. They have never returned the favor, but I'm not doing it to get something in return, I'm doing it for my son.

CreativeEngineer
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Posted: 9/17/2010 3:57:47 PM
I ALWAYS took my stepkids shopping for their mother for Christmas, b-day, Mother's Day, etc. I never got anything but grief for my efforts, but it made the kids happy and it was the right thing to do.

I know it's hard to let go of the resentment and hurt, trust me. This woman continually stabbed me in the back for doing this. But the kids loved it and I really tried to remember that it was about them.

Is there someone else that you can ask to take over this for you? As hard as it was for me, I honestly think it was easier for me to do than DH.





grammanisi
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:00:19 PM
My DD has always bought gifts for DGD to give to her dad. As far as that goes, she has always bought for th grandma, aunt and uncle, too.


Denise
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SharlaG
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:02:45 PM


Is there someone else that you can ask to take over this for you?
It's not that hard, just a petty little annoyance. I don't spend a lot.







--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.




teddyw
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:04:35 PM
I did it when my dd was little because she was excited about it. I only did it when she was going to see him though. As she got older and he remarried his wife took over this. Now he's exceptionally hard to buy for and it stresses her out immensely.
He never bought anything for me. His father did while he was alive.
I say keep doing it. Your kids will appreciate it later.
A framed picture of your kids is a nice gift. You can keep that cost down.

SharlaG
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:06:10 PM

A framed picture of your kids is a nice gift. You can keep that cost down.
Thanks for the suggestion!







--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.




Dancingfish
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:06:25 PM
I am not divorced but have sister in laws who have gone through this.

This thread is very interesting to me... because I thought divorce usually had nothing to do with the children. Why would anyone make a child feel bad about not getting their parent a gift for xmas or birthdays?

Like I said my sis in laws all buy gifts for the kids to give to their dads and they recieve gifts...


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honeybeepea
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:09:34 PM
I've been sending the school pictures in frames, because I am afraid they will get bent if I don't. I'm going to start saving those and send them at gift-giving times.

You guys have good ideas!

gorgeouskid
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:09:50 PM
It's not even about getting/receiving a gift, it's about allowing the children the joy of being able to GIVE the gift.

For those exes who refuse, they're denying their children way more than their ex spouse.

SharlaG
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:10:55 PM

This thread is very interesting to me... because I thought divorce usually had nothing to do with the children. Why would anyone make a child feel bad about not getting their parent a gift for xmas or birthdays?
Ask my ex.







--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.




honeybeepea
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:16:49 PM

This thread is very interesting to me... because I thought divorce usually had nothing to do with the children. Why would anyone make a child feel bad about not getting their parent a gift for xmas or birthdays?


Sometimes the person who receives the gift makes the kids feel bad.

We have sent straight A report cards, pictures, art projects, etc., and when they get completely ignored or brushed off, it hurts little ones' hearts. I think if my girls had been thanked for some of their efforts to give their mom special things, they would be likely want to do gifts.

Nanner
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:23:41 PM
My kids are grown now, and their father has passed away. But when they were younger, no, i did not. Nor did he do it for me.


Nancy


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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:23:54 PM
NOPE (well, maybe a card)


I remind DD (8) to make a card and gift. She is VERY crafty and LOVES making gifts. I'll buy whatever she needs for her project.

I'm married now, so DH takes out DD shopping for me. I would never expect EX to do that. It would feel VERY odd!





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Creative Cricket
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:27:38 PM
I also wanted to add that my parents divorced when I was 2. I remember a time as a child (about 8) that my Mom took me to get a gift for my Dad.

When I gave it to him (a shirt) he made a big deal about it and said, "I don't want THAT! It's from your Mother, NOT you. You couldn't have got it on your own and I don't want stuff from your Mom!"

Not that I would ever do that to DD (because it crushed me!), but it just seems so VERY VERY odd to me now.




-Cricket



IPeaFreely
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:31:04 PM
The presents aren't really for your ex, they're for your kids. So you can show them how a mature, civilized person acts. They'll grow up and remember.

simplekelly
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:31:24 PM
Yes I do.

Nicksmom2, that is the sweetest story about your son. What a sweet gesture and pure love. Thanks for sharing.


best,


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SharlaG
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:31:59 PM

The presents aren't really for your ex, they're for your kids. So you can show them how a mature, civilized person acts. They'll grow up and remember.
Well said!







--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.




twinks
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:43:59 PM
I funded the gift giving for my DD to give gifts to her father. I figured I was training a child. I know that my family funded the gifts for me from my DD. He did nothing and it didn't bother me.

Now she is over 18, it is up to her to let me know if she wants to participate in gift giving to him.

twinks

NoPeaQ
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:50:59 PM
It's true! When they grow up, they remember!

My parents divorced when I was a child and my mom always took my brother and I shopping to buy presents for my dad. I'm sure she didn't especially enjoy it but *I* felt really happy that I had something to give my dad for the holidays. I didn't realize it as a child but I have thanked her as an adult for being so unselfish as to let us do that. She even let us pick out presents for our new stepmom. She did it for US, not for my dad or stepmom.

They did not reciprocate and my bro and I would make coupon books or do our best to come up with stuff on our own for our mom but we always felt kind of bad because we wanted to do something better but when you're 8 years old, there isn't much you can do shopping-wise without the help of an adult. (FTR, we asked and they said they wouldn't take us. )


weirdwordsmusic
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Posted: 9/17/2010 4:57:47 PM
As someone who will probably be in your shoes soon, I say yes. Allowing the kids to have the joy of giving some one they love a gift is a gift to them as well.

Lexica

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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:12:32 PM
I either took him shopping or asked him if he wanted to make something for him.

I divorced when my son was a baby, and my ex didn't want to take him for the first two Christmases. When he finally wanted to have him, he was around three years old.

I didn't have a lot of money, so I bought my ex a large, nice quality sweatshirt and used fabric paint and took my son's hand and painted it with black fabric paint. He then put his hand somewhere on the shirt and left his little handprint. We covered the whole sweatshirt with handprints. My son was so excited to be making something for his dad. He enjoyed it so much that we made another for my mother and father.

When my ex came to get him on Christmas afternoon, my son gave him the wrapped present, very proudly. He told him to open it right there in my entryway. I offered to leave, but my ex said to stay. He opened the shirt and got teary eyed and hugged him and made a big deal out of it. My son was so proud. Then he gathered up my son's things and left the sweatshirt at my house! He didn't want it. I don't know why he couldn't take it and wear it around the house on Sunday mornings or something. I realize it wasn't some classy expensive thing, but my son really enjoyed making it. I still have it in my closet to this day and my son is now 27.

My son had no idea he didn't take the shirt and never saw it at my house again. I continued to help him make or take him to buy something for his dad because it was the right thing to do for my child. I was more concerned about teaching him about giving. Believe me, it bothered me big time, but I did it for my son's sake.

juliekins.

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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:13:02 PM
In my home both my husband and I are step parents. I do not and will not do for his ex mostly because he doesn't want to but because she doesn't reciprocate on his fathers day gifts.

My kids' dad and stepmom, however, let the kids get small somethings for us. Usually one 10 dollar gift or a few dollar items from each kid. They even went so far as to send a wedding gift with the girls on my wedding day. I thought it was a kind gesture because it's teaching the kids that we adults have put aside our differences for them to be able to do nice things. So we do reciprocate gifts for my girls.

But my husbands ex is a more complicated story. She's all about the gifts and somehow, if he were to take his daughter to buy a gift for her mother, it would totally give the child the impression he wanted mommy back. I'm not sure where that came from but there is this huge elephant in the room like they are getting back together anytime he speaks to her or about her.

They were divorced 5 years when I met him. I'm quite certain he didn't want her back.

My kids' stepmom is usually in charge of gifts. So it's not like dad is out buying ME things. And it's usually something like a flashlight. LOL

The GOOD gifts come from my husband, and vice versa at their dads house. No way would I ever expect anything more than a dollar gift or any gift at all. Even if my husband had no money, a homeade card would make me feel good.

I consider myself lucky that my ex and I can put our kids' hearts first.



justbecause
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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:13:29 PM
I still am on good terms with the ex. I will fund gifts up to a certain age. After that, it's up to them. Sometimes ex returns the facor, sometimes he does not.



peasful1
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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:27:32 PM
I would like to think I would be big enough to. I might not be married to him, or even particularly like him but he is still the man I had kids with and they deserve to still do those kinds of things for their dad. (All spoken hypothetically, as I am still quite happily married.)

I was taking my daughter out to make a present for her dad for Father's Day. I also took her friend with us to make a gift for her dad because her parents are divorced and her mum doesn't help her out at all. How's a kid supposed to come up with that on their own?


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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:36:09 PM
of course I will. I'll pay for the gifts and take her to pick them out. It's the right thing to do, he's still her Dad, and a great one at that.

coleland
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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:39:10 PM

This thread is very interesting to me... because I thought divorce usually had nothing to do with the children. Why would anyone make a child feel bad about not getting their parent a gift for xmas or birthdays?
Ask my ex.

You can't control his behavior.. but control yours.

ScrapNKary
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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:39:53 PM
YES! I do this every holiday for their father, even though I think he's the biggest POS to walk the earth--but it's not about me. It's about my children.

He ignores all holidays for gifts from the kids to me--my boys have come home from Xmas with their dad with tears in their eyes because they didn't have something for me--I explained to them that THEY are my gift!





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Really Red
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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:42:30 PM

The presents aren't really for your ex, they're for your kids. So you can show them how a mature, civilized person acts. They'll grow up and remember.


In a nutshell.

And yes, I always, but always make sure the kids make him cards and give him gifts that he needs (the only kind he likes). And he has never bought me one single thing. Not even when our daughter was in the hospital on Mother's Day and vendors were all over the place with Mother's Day stuff. My little girl said her first words post surgery and SHE thought of me (which was of course the best present EVER) and her father's words after that? "Do you want me to go buy you something?"

For me, I don't care to get a present from him. My kids make things for me and they are the best i could ever get. Ever.





Andrea

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Really Red
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Posted: 9/17/2010 5:43:22 PM
p.s. I tell them that I would like a card, or a drawing or something. I don't make them guess or worry about any upcoming event.


Andrea

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hahakiwi
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Posted: 9/17/2010 6:20:32 PM
Right now, I am a teenager with divorced parents, and they both try to do something for holidays.
I am 17, and I realize both of their financial situations and try to ask when appropriate. Usually my dad has more money than my mom. I am the youngest, and the only one who still lives at home so I think of something creative.
For Christmas is usually when I ask for presents for them. I don't really bother on birthdays, I just spend it with them. But like for mother's/father's day I try to make a card, and act a little more responsible for getting their gifts myself.
Around Christmas I ask my dad for money to go and get a gift for my mom and it is usually around $20. And I try to use all of it. As a gift for my dad, my mom always asks what he wants, but he is the guy with everything, tools, watches, socks, ect.. So what do I get him? I ask ahead of time but whatever it is, I try to make him something, or get him a picture of my and my sisters or something to go with it. I know that he values those more than something bought. So does my mom, but I am her only child.
I don't know where I was really going with this, haha. But I guess I mean, when you can try and make something like a card, or a frame with them, because I'm sure that your EX will value it more than something bought. :]
Hope that helps from a standpoint of a teen with divorced parents.

Luv2Scrap&Stamp
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Posted: 9/17/2010 6:30:42 PM
Yes, I do and always have. He on the other hand does not reciprocate. I at least feel good that it makes my dd feel good. I try not to let my opinion of my XDH reflect too much on my dd. Jaime

rainbow_scrapper
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Posted: 9/17/2010 6:35:13 PM
I bought him several gifts for Christmas before he actually moved out. He bought me nothing. Now he gets nothing. I did it for the kids. He doesn't care.



Nicksmom2
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Posted: 9/17/2010 6:43:39 PM
Thank you all who said kind things about my son. I told him I loved it but I know he knew better. He is now 12 and he's the sweetest, kindest kid ever (of course, right?). The pin is in my car on my visor and he knows exactly why it's there.

Not to hijack but he just got back from a trip to Alaska (my dad and his wife took him). He bought me this red watch and was so proud to give it to me. It's really not attractive and not at all my style but of course I wear it every day I see him. He said to me just after giving it to me, "do you really like it, or just like it 'cuz I gave it to you?" You of course know my answer!

Thanks again for your kind words

~Karen

Chlerbie
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Posted: 9/17/2010 8:16:45 PM
I always used my own allowance to buy gifts for my family, from the time I was six on. I started saving in September or so. Of course, they were nothing elaborate because I didn't have a huge allowance by any stretch of the imagination, but they always came from the heart. So, my mom never had me buy for my dad or vice versa. It never entered my mind.


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jenjie
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Posted: 9/17/2010 8:54:34 PM
To each of you who do this for your kids, let me say THANK YOU on behalf of your children. I was a teen when my parents split up but didn't have either a job or allowance. My dad would give me money if I needed it but I don't think he really "got" it. For instance, if I was to go to the mall he'd hand me a $20 bill. This would include bus fare and lunch for me and my brother, and "bring home some change!"

But as to the gift situation, I remember one time I asked my older brother if I could borrow money to give our mom a gift. He asked me for the money back at the dinner table in front of my dad, and I was mortified. My dad was all "you know you can ask me for money to buy something for your mother" but I knew he really didn't want us doing anything *with* her, let alone *for* her.

Would you believe it, it never hit me until just as I was reading this thread, my mom never gave me anything for him. I didn't expect it though because we lived with my dad, not my mom. She didn't provide anything for us financially whatsoever. But what's good for the gander is good for the goose, right?



~Jen


Llemarra
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Posted: 9/17/2010 8:57:47 PM
I did for a few years while they were younger. When they got older I did for a while, but after he didnt remind them 2 years in a row it was my birthday or help them acknowledge my bday or christmas for me, then I stopped. I felt I had done it long enough and he didnt appreciate it enough to return the favor, then I was done.

fondie
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Posted: 9/17/2010 8:59:47 PM
No, but DS makes two Father's day gifts at school (I asked them to do this) one for his Step-dad and one for his dad, I think that is enough. I also give photos to his Grandparents from time to time.






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"And the companion of the Saviour, Mary Magdalene. The Saviour loved her more than all the disciples, and used to kiss her often on her mouth. The rest of the disciples. They said to him "Why do you love her more than all of us?" The Saviour answered and said to them,"Why do I not love you like her? When a blind man and one who sees are both together in darkness, they are no different from one another. When the light comes, then he who sees will see the light, and he who is blind will remain in darkness." Gospel of Philip

number10
PeaAddict

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Posted: 9/17/2010 9:02:42 PM
Child support is supposed tobe for the child So why wouldnt you give them money to buy gifts with???? and where does the money come from to buy YOU GIFTS????

SharlaG
Kingpin of something undisclosed, but important

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Posted: 9/17/2010 9:04:29 PM
hahakiwi I really appreciate your response!

I actually am so grateful to everyone who contributed. You guys are so generous with your kind input! It really helps me to hash out things I'm dealing with, when I read your personal thoughts about the topic. THANKS TO ALL of you!







--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.




newjerseyscrapper
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Posted: 9/17/2010 9:12:07 PM
I don't. Long story.

needmysanity
AncestralPea

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Posted: 9/17/2010 9:23:29 PM
Nope....

once we divorced he was on his own.


~Steph~

Mom, wife, CASA advocate, baseball fanatic and wine drinker

Blogging my way through life at Meandering Steph






CreativeEngineer
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Posted: 9/17/2010 9:24:12 PM
My parents were divorced too. And I think my mom would have rather eaten dog poo than spend money on a gift for my dad from us. So I guess that is what formed my strong opinions on this.

I remember one time that my DS was completely distraught. Evidently pizza for dinner on Friday nights was something of a tradition with his mom. But she told him that they wouldn't be doing that any more because she couldn't afford it. So he asked me if he could have $20 so that he could buy pizza for her and I gave it to him. I'm no angel and in fact I really don't like this woman at all (because of what she did to the kids). But it meant the world to my DS. I didn't explain that she had plenty of money to go out boozing or for acrylic nails or any of the mutltitude of other things she wasted money on. I just made a little boy VERY happy. The fact that she got something with my money was irrelevant. What was important was the my son felt good about himself and what he had done. And that is worth just about anything.

If the kids don't ask and don't care, then don't bother. But if it's important to your child, it should be important to you, IMHO.





laurie_v
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Posted: 9/17/2010 10:07:14 PM
I do. When I see how excited they get to buy something for their daddy, how could I not? My ex usually does but missed one event this year. The kids were upset, he got how important it was to them, and promised them it would never happen again. I honestly think it just slipped his mind, since he normally does. They aren't huge elaborate gifts, just something that the kids pick out for us. Can't imagine not doing it, even if he didn't. It's just too important to the kids.
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