Why do children think that you owe them something?

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Posted 5/6/2011 by nickiefriend in NSBR Board
 

nickiefriend
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:02:48 PM
I am at my wits end with my 18 year old! He thinks that we owe him the world! He graduates at the end of the month, and we have made sure that we have helped him get everything done that needs to be done for his college. Worked on the scholarship paperwork, the admissions paperwork, took the time to tour campus, etc etc etc. We have loaned him gas money when he was low only to have him tell us tonight that he cant pay it back this time because he doesnt have any money left! And he just got paid Wednesday!

How I have ever made it through without being a raging alcoholic I will never know!

Has anybody else ever made it to the other side of this? Is there hope out there or is this something that I will get to face for the rest of my life? Because if it is, I now know how sometimes people end up with no relationship with their kids/parents.
thanks for letting me vent

scrappitypea
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:04:59 PM
To answer your original question, I blame it on the Disney Channel.








NanaKate
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:08:27 PM
Because they are children and have an "it's all about me" mentality. Most grow out of it...hang in there!!!


Kathie


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CreativeEngineer
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:10:53 PM
I have a 33 yo stepDD who is married with two kids so STILL thinks we owe her things.


Good luck. Cut off the money and let him sink or swim. Or walk as the case my be.





voltagain
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:10:56 PM
You won't like my answer.... but entitled children come from parents who taught them they are entitled.

He has proven he cant be trusted to pay you back, and I bet this isn't the first time. So stop loaning him money. Don't give or loan anything you can't give or loan freely.. same as y ou would do (I presume) for someone outside the family.


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voltagain
OklaPhoma

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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:17:09 PM

There is hope but only if you are willing to recognize the role you play and put an end to it.

Next time he asks for a loan remind him he still owes you X$ for this last loan and you won't be loaning more until his tab is clear.

If you resent the time it takes to fill out college applications, decide how his college fits into your values and proceed from there. If you value an education then don't resent him for the effort it takes to get him in. If you don't feel it is a big deal right out of highschool then don't stress yourself over it. Let him deal. Ask him how he is going to support himself. And expect him to follow through.


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scrappitypea
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:17:15 PM

You won't like my answer.... but entitled children come from parents who taught them they are entitled.


Very true, but don't forget that the media that this generation is growing up with normalizes a charmed life. This makes things far more difficult for parents who are already waging an uphill battle against the 'it's all about me' phase that most kids go through. If parents aren't giving their kids everything that the bank will allow them to borrow for, suddenly it's not enough and the kids feel deprived. Barf.








voltagain
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:19:22 PM
Very true, but don't forget that the media that this generation is growing up with normalizes a charmed life.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Parents should be controlling the media in thier home. So no matter what the media portrays as normal still comes back to the parent's.


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Cara in TX
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:21:41 PM
I always liked the idea that teens act the way they do so it's easier to let them go when it's time.

No lending any more until he pays you back. Easy. Or stop lending period. Or charge interest.

Or better yet, sit down and teach him how to make a budget and have him stick to it. It will be one of the most important lessons you teach him, money management.


~Cara




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marianne
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:23:57 PM
Kids aren't raised in a vacuum. We teach them how to be and how to get along in the world. We're their most influential models, no matter how much we'd like to blame it on someone or something else. If they think they're owed something, it's because we haven't taught them otherwise.




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scrappitypea
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:26:13 PM

Parents should be controlling the media in thier home. So no matter what the media portrays as normal still comes back to the parent's.


I agree strongly, however this control does not always happen, nor is it easy to control. Our children are saturated with this culture, if not through the television then through their peers. It's nearly impossible to shield them from it. And it makes me so angry I could spit nails. We are very strict in our home regarding media and technology, and our kids seem to think that they are really missing out on something big. One day they will thank us, but right now they think we're ogres.








nsarnic
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:26:41 PM
Its the phase they go thru, just wait after the age of 18 or so...he will calm down and start to realize that his parents are just as smart as he is. My 18yo was like that, now she is an angel, you would never know she went thru that stage of a snotty teenager.


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Free~Bird
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:27:57 PM
well, to be harsh, you give too much, and they expect more. Ever hear the saying "give you an inch and you take a mile?" yeah that. so, it will sound harsh, but it's probably you that made him think that.

It's not too late, just don't give as much, lay out your expectations. Going off to college is a good time to do that, a nice transition time. "Here is how much we'll be giving you each month, make it last." (and stick to it. If this means he eats ramen noodles for 2 weeks, then so be it).


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circusjohnson
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:30:48 PM

but entitled children come from parents who taught them they are entitled.




I disagree with this sentiment. I have a child who thinks he is entitled. WHere he came up with that idea I have no idea. We have never treated him in that manner. He wasn't given everything as a child, he had limits, chores, the media in our home has been controlled. He was expected to work each summer starting with turning 16. When he went off to college this attitude suddenly sprouted. Everyone elses parents pay for college we should too. Everyone elses parents let them live at home and be bums without having jobs, we should too. Needless to say we dont buy it and he isn't too happy with us. But we certainly didn't teach him this attitude.

Tina

ginacivey
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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:36:11 PM
i think she gets it

and was probably just looking for some commiseration!

and sister, i feel your pain!

my daughter was so twisted up the other night she almost lost her mind

gina

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Posted: 5/6/2011 8:45:00 PM
Its called entitlement. Some kids have it more than others, but in my experience, most kids have it.

tamhugh
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Posted: 5/6/2011 9:29:38 PM
I am at my wit's end with my younger DS right now. He is graduating in a month and his attitude stinks. Over Easter weekend, older DS was home and we went out to lunch together. I was in tears over a situation with DS#2 and I said that I felt like he really hated DH and me. DS#1 (junior in college, 21) said, "Mom, he doesn't hate you. You just forget how bad I was my senior year. He is going to go to college and realize how much he loves you and appreciates you". It made me bawl harder, but in a good way. They do come out the other side. You just keep holding your ground and loving them. And if you are so inclined, a lot of prayer helps.
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