back to *pea*ality
|Posted: 11/28/2011 7:18:11 AM|
The last gift we give nieces/nephews is on their 21st birthday or college graduation.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 11/28/2011 7:25:38 AM|
I'm the youngest of ten siblings, so some of my nieces and nephews are actually older than I am. We generally buy for the kids in the family who are under 13 - after that, the teens and young adults draw names among themselves. There are just too many people in our extended family to keep buying for everyone.
In your family's situation, 18 or high school graduation seems like a logical place to stop, especially since there doesn't seem to be any appreciation on the receiver's part.
. cheeky cousin .
|Posted: 11/28/2011 7:37:15 AM|It's a big deal to my sister to get gifts, but what it comes down to is
basically a gift card exchange ... I mail her the ones she and her family
wants (I ask her), and she mails whatever ones she wants to to us
(sometimes she asks, sometimes it's random).
It's not something I choose to fight over It has little meaning to me,
but I am not interested in starting a feud. She has emailed me to see
where her gift was, because it was late. It's that important to her.
I came from a small family.
I did stop sending birthday gifts to the nephews around 21. Not sure why,
but that felt different to me ... interesting, actually.
Loc: KC Metro
|Posted: 11/28/2011 7:48:21 AM|
With my SIL's boys, the year they turned 18 was the last year they got gifts from us. My SIL's step-daughter is only 14, and my sister's children are little ones, so we still buy for them. We plan to stop when they turn 18 just like we did with the older boys.
My sister and brother still buy gifts for my son who is 22 even though we, me and my son, have told them they no longer need to. SIL has never bought for any of us, so it doesn't matter.
Running the Marathon, Not the Sprint
|Posted: 11/28/2011 7:51:10 AM|
Considering the only time I ever see or hear from my family of extended nieces and nephews is at Christmas, the gift is normally very, very small as well.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 11/28/2011 7:52:38 AM|
In our family it stops at 18. After that they will get a card for their birthdays, but they will no longer receive gifts unless it is a special occasion such as graduation, wedding or baby.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 7:54:14 AM|
We're done at 18. My sister used to send those same offensive e-mails (they ONLY want CASH!) and I finally sent an email back effectively stating that "gifts are gifts, you don't get to dictate what I buy, so pipe down". That shut her up.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 8:15:52 AM|
I buying for my niece and nephews who are college age. I don't love them any less now that they 19 and 20.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 8:19:23 AM|
I guess I'm lucky. I only have 4 to buy for so there is no age limit to me. maybe when the oldest graduates from college next year?
I'd just give her a $10 gift card to Starbucks or something like that. At least until she is out of school.
But see I buy presents bc I want to, pretty much. I have a half sister I only see in FB and I never give her a gift, she is now 21.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 11/28/2011 8:29:38 AM|
DH has a cousin who is considerably younger than he is. We bought for him until the time when he would have graduated from college, had he continued on (he has one class between him and graduation). My oldest nephew is 18 and will graduate from high school this year. Not sure what we'll do about that.
Loc: Edmonton, AB
|Posted: 11/28/2011 8:47:29 AM|
We only have a niece and a nephew on my side and DH is an only child. I imagine we'll always buy them presents, can't imagine stopping even when they are adults. We'll probably add in their spouses and and children as well. Long way off though, they're only 3 & 7.
When I was a child, on my moms side there are numerous cousins. There are 17 of us. In fact, I have cousins that are the same age as my middle child (3). We always drew individual names, and then my grandparents got each child a gift. That lasted until I turned 18. The sheer volume of kids to buy for was definitely a factor, as well as finances.
As for my dads side, I only have 1 aunt/uncle and they have 2 kids. I can't remember ever getting a present from them.
Loc: Upstate New York
|Posted: 11/28/2011 9:11:47 AM|
I would have stopped way back when she told you what you had to get her kids. Rude..... Can't stand people like that. No more gift exchanging. I would rather buy for my own than worry about trying to please people like that.
Tier 1 Baking Pea
Loc: Hudson Valley, NY
|Posted: 11/28/2011 9:16:46 AM|
For all of my nieces and nephews who are under the age of 16, I give them a bag of candy and an ornament - that way they have ornaments for their own tree when they move out when they reach adulthood. For all nieces and nephews 16+ I get them gift cards to places like Subway, McDonalds, etc..
If I had a sister or brother try to dictate to me what to get their children for a birthday or holiday, I'd bow out of gift giving with them. You get what I give you and like it. But I'm not big on catering to people's selfish ways.
Alex told me to change it
Loc: never in one place very long (...in San Jose, CA)
|Posted: 11/28/2011 9:24:39 AM|
On my side the grandchildren are currently 19, 14, 12, 11, 9, 8, and 6. The 19 yo is our dd and since she is the only one over 18, she is still included. And I still pay for it. We do a drawing so each child gets one presents instead of two (since there are three families).
On dh's side, they are 16, 14, 12, 9, 8, and 6. Dh has three and his sister has three. We buy each child a present. It is low key though like $10-15.
it rhymes with banana
mom to a 21 yo dd, 14 yo ds, and 11 yo ds and a scrapper for 13 years
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 11/28/2011 9:25:53 AM|
I guess our family is the exception. We still give to our nieces and nephews AND their children.
We're the same, Kristi.
And I buy for my cousins' kids, too.
The cousins used to give gifts to one another, but when there started to be a whole mess of cousins' kids, we started giving just to the kids in those instances.
But my aunts and uncles give gifts to me and to my children. And we buy them gifts as well.
My mother's aunts buy gifts for my mom, for me, and for my kids....along with all of their other nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews and great-great nieces and nephews. And we give gifts to them.
It's gift-giving bedlam around here, but we love it.
Chopped Liver *U*
Running from the drama llama
Loc: South Jersey
|Posted: 11/28/2011 9:26:30 AM|
I only have one nephew who is an adult. The rest of my nieces and nephews are younger than my own kids. He is 21 and we still buy for him. He got married last summer. I was thinking about whether it was time to cut him off, but he's young and in the marines and I figure he will probably have kids in the next couple years, so I might as well keep that $50 in my budget and keep gifting them as a couple until they have kids and then the money will go to the child's gift.
I live to die another day...until I fade away. Until the End
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
Loc: up on my high horse
|Posted: 11/28/2011 9:27:50 AM|
gifts are gifts, you don't get to dictate what I buy, so pipe down
As for my nephews (I have 3) i don't plan on giving them Chanukah gifts forever, but I do expect to remember them on their birthdays no matter how old they are. There were a very few relatives who did that for me throughout my life and I always remember them for remembering me. I mattered to them. It was the stuff that counted. KWIM? I want my nephews to know I remember them. (And FTR, they are DH's brother's kids. My sister doesn't have any.)
|OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
Loc: Epicenter of Awesome
|Posted: 11/28/2011 9:49:27 AM|
Based on what you described I would stop now. We said we would stop when they finished college. Two are now poor grad students so we decided to keep giving. They are good kids and very appreciative of anything we give them so we are happy to keep giving.
|Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain|
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 11/28/2011 10:40:54 AM|
when it deteriorates into just a gift card exchange, i think it is time to stop.
if kids can't bother to come up with something they would like to get within the price range, it is also time to stop.
Loc: Spring Hill, Florida
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:10:02 AM|
We decided this year to stop exchanging gifts because of the distance not because of age. I will buy my kids a gift from their uncle and aunt and put it under the tree and my brother and sister will do the same for their kids. That way we dont have to pay to ship and the kids get something that they asked for.
As far as age goes are you going to see them? If you dont spend Christmas with them then I would be so done. If you are going to their house and everyone is opening gifts then I probably would bring a gift NOT cash.
Loc: wherever my family is
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:14:33 AM|We buy for all the nieces and nephews no matter their age. When they marry we then also buy a gift for the spouse. This continues till they have children and then we buy gifts for their children instead of them.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:16:13 AM|
My DS and nephews are 6 and below so we still do but I think that we stopped for me, my sister and cousins when most of us were in high school. It was the same year for all...not a set age. I think that made it easier. The older ones didn't have to watch younger ones get gifts only...
Loc: Carolinas - at The Monogram Bungalow
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:16:54 AM|
I have not figured out that point yet but I do hope it is soon!
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
Loc: The middle of no where
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:18:58 AM|
For years we had an exchange where the grandkids drew names and bought for a cousin. Worked really well, and they stopped doing the name draw when they graduated from High School...the only problem is that it got down to one nephew and my two girls, so we just stopped, so my youngest didn't go all the way to 18, but she doesn't care. The gift exchange at my folks house on Christmas day is about my parents. all of us bring something for them. We started last year with a "white elephant" exchange on Christmas Eve...that was a hoot.
|Mom to a wonderful young adult and a beautiful teenage girl, can't believe I have a kid in college and one that is out!!
Wife to one gorgeous AirForce pilot(retired!) ...lucky to be married to my best friend.
Missing Caitlin Sept. 14, 1987 - July 11, 2009 ...rest in peace...you will be missed.
And her dad. I will miss you big brother...rest in peace...and I hope the baseball diamonds in heaven are all you hoped for...Dan Moore Aug. 6, 1953-February 7, 2011
Loc: Somewhere in the middle...
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:35:35 AM|
We have 14 nieces, nephews, niece-in-laws, great nephews and great nieces (ranging in ages from 7 to 31) and we still give gifts to them all. The ones in their 30s buy us gifts as well, and some of them even give gifts to my children. We are close to them all and get together with all of them every Christmas in 3 different gatherings. I like being able to buy gifts for the older ones who are newlyweds and just setting up new homes. The college students are always on tight budgets, so I like getting them things, too. And, of course, the little ones are fun to buy for. Our family is big on making and sharing lists. The relatives all know how much I like to spend and give me great ideas. It works well for us.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:38:53 AM|Grinningcat how many nieces and nephews do you have? I have 26, with easily more in the future.
In our family, we don't even buy for the nieces and nephews. There are none on my side and DH has something like 27, so it's always been the family tradition that only parents buy for their own children.
Us too. We decided in our family everyone has enough shit. So we put together what money we can and give it to a family (secretly) we want to help. It takes a lot of pressure off.
EDIT: counted wrong, there's 26
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:46:10 AM|
My personal philosophy about gift-giving includes the following:
1) I don't give gifts out of social obligation, generally, (ONLY in extreme cases)
2) I do not give gifts to someone if I realize that the recipient thinks that the gift is an "obligation" on my part. I.e., if a kid or the person(around age 8 and up) starts to think that I'm OBLIGATED to give gifts, they will swiftly come to realize that's not the case.
3) I don't give gifts to people who don't know how to say thank you. You can call, text, leave a voicemail, put in on facebook, send a note, hire an airplane to make a sign, hire a blimp, send a smoke signal, hire a leprechaun, or even send a message in a bottle. I expect a thank you.
4) I also do not give gifts to people who tell me that the gift is somehow lacking, either implicitly (by giving me a minimum amount), like your sister in law) or explicitly. I've had that happen in public many times, as in ," Wow, you ONLY got me this?" Once my aunts started "trading" their gifts with each other in the middle of the Christmas exchange.
Loc: Miami, Fl
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:46:47 AM|
I always *ask* my SILs to give me ideas of what nieces and nephews would like. But then I buy what I want. Or I'll ask the kids directly and then get it and tell SILs to scratch of list.
My nieces/nephews range in age from 4-24...the thought to stop buying for them has never crossed my mind. Honestly I think I'll buy for them for ever. Growing up the gifts from my aunts were SO special to me.
Original WE girl #28
I'm an equal opportunity scrapper...8.5x11, 12x12, single photo, multi photo, single page layout, double page layout, chunky pages, flat pages, trendy products, old products...I like it all!
Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Kerry in CT
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:47:15 AM|
Our nieces & nephews were all very close in age. We stopped when the youngest hit 18. The kids didn't mind, but one of my SIL's was grumpy about it.
Loc: Hillsboro, TX
|Posted: 11/28/2011 11:57:53 AM|
For me it'll be never. Lol. My gf and I both have one sister each and only my sister has a child. And I love my niece like she's my own! So admittedly my situation is different from a lot of those mentioned here.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 12:20:55 PM|
I stopped buying for my nephews once they were 18 or graduation from high school.
A couple of them have children now, so I do buy a small gift for the great niece or great nephew. A small $10-$15 item.
Is there another word for synonym?
Loc: Right where I'm s'posed to be.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 12:28:46 PM|
We, as a family, have made the unilateral decision to forgo buying presents for anyone outside of our household. We are sorry to have to do this, however, it has become apparent to us that you and your family view us as some kind of yearly cash disbursement service instead of people with actual feelings.
So, please be advised that we feel our niece and nephew are adult enough to understand that we love them without having to give them cash or presents in order to prove that love. Please know that the same goes for our children and we never, ever want you to feel obligated to "get them something" from now on. They know you love them without you buying them a single thing, and really...isn't love what Christmas is supposed to be about?
|Posted: 11/28/2011 1:21:47 PM|
I only have one niece and one nephew and it will be pretty much forever, I never plan on stopping giving them gifts. Ever. They will be 60 and still receiving gifts from me.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 1:25:57 PM|
For me it stops the first time they don't say thank you! Which for my husbands niece / nephew it was about 4 years ago and it caused a major battle in the family and to this day we are still not talking.
For one set of nieces it was when they were about 18 when they bitched about what we got them.
For my youngest set of nieces age 15 & 12 it's this year no more gifts as I didn't get a thank you or anything for the cash I gave them this summmer for the birthdays I missed this spring cause I was out of town.
Loc: Washington State
|Posted: 11/28/2011 3:15:04 PM|
When they have graduated from High School they are put into the adult gift giving section. I would totally ignore her email.
This is how my family does it too. I have bought the gifts for my oldest two the first couple of years they moved to the adult exchange and didn't budget well. But now they are both doing fine and are excited to pick a gift for their aunts & uncles
~ Dori ~
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 11/28/2011 3:25:47 PM|
I think it comes down to how close you are and if you actually ever see them. I tend to only exchange gifts with family and friends I see in person... the ones I am close to. So the affiliation doesn't matter as much as my relationship with them personally.
Just go with your gut. I'd stop in your situation.
Why, YES!, I am a princess.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 3:27:57 PM|
My husbands nieces and nephews....when they turn 18. They have never said thank you, boo or kiss my patootie. So I cut them off.
My brother's two kids...until they get married. They always say thanks (I give them money) and let me know later what they did with it.
Makes a difference in my book.
Resident Smart Ass
|Posted: 11/28/2011 3:51:00 PM|
My aunt officially stopped giving us gifts at age 18. But we had a great relationship, and she would slip a new ornament on my tree every year.
I think the recession gives the more timid, drama-avoiding among us a perfect excuse to whip our gift lists into shape (ie craft them the way that makes sense for our budget and relationships).
Lover of Tubas
Loc: The other side of MA
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:03:18 PM|
My niece and nephews live in Ohio and I stopped sending gifts when I didn't receive any acknowledgement from anyone about them. After three years of it, I realized I'd had enough. I didn't expect gifts back, but a card or a thank you would have been nice.
That being said, I love them all to death and generally, when I'm home for vacation visiting them, I'll do something with/for them and they're always appreciative then. Also, they're all older now--my oldest is 21, 20, 18, 17 and 15.
I'm an enigma. Or am I?
Aren't they cute? My Emmett and Bailey...
My Blog: Scrapadelia
God peas protect me from your followers
Loc: stalking the crease
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:05:52 PM|
In DH's family, as someone mentioned, when you turn 18, you draw names with the adults.
In my family we don't draw names. I don't have kids, so I'll probably always get nieces and nephews gifts.
Loc: Moorpark, CA
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:11:56 PM|
We stopped when they turned 18.
Organize my entire house one drawer, cabinet, nook and cranny at a time!
Loc: probably here. maybe there.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:22:34 PM|
Ours stopped about the time the number of nieces and nephews passed 10 and that I'd just on dh's side of the family. There are now close to 20! We just can't buy for all of them
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:24:10 PM|
Age 8. I think.
Shameless Husker Fan
Loc: Husker Nation
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:27:29 PM|
We stop when they graduate from high school. On dh's side of the family we only give gifts to god children and his closest sister's children. On my side, we do a gift exchange. We could never afford to give gifts to all the nieces and nephews.
pea'rific teacher Union President
Loc: Western NY
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:33:52 PM|
I stopped giving them presents when they never acknowledged receiving my gifts. No thank you card, no phone call, no email. I sent them presents/gift cards every year. After three straight years of no mention of the gifts, I stopped sending them.
I have four nieces and two nephews who are no longer on my shopping list.
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:42:35 PM|
In my family we stop buying gifts for the nieces/nephews when they are 21.
In DH's family, the kids are all within 5 years of each other in age. After our niece got married, DH discussed it with his brother, and they just decided no more niece/nephew gifts from that point forward. The nieces and nephews ranged in age from 19-24 at the time.
"Surrounded by thugs."
Loc: SW Chicago suburbs
|Posted: 11/28/2011 4:53:07 PM|
Our family generally stops at 18. For my older nieces and nephews I continued through 19...figured I'd take them through teen years and stop.
When my son turned 18, his gifts stopped from everyone.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
Loc: South Florida
|Posted: 11/28/2011 5:02:59 PM|
18 or until they graduate from high school. (DS had a BD a few weeks ago and 19. He graduates in 2012.)
|Cheers from Southeast Sunny Florida!
Loc: Campbellford, Ontario, Canada
|Posted: 11/29/2011 12:46:38 AM|
She's old enough to start buying for YOU. If she wants a gift, she should be giving one to receive one.