At what point if ever do you stop giving nieces and nephews christmas presents
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 11/27/2011 by happeawife in NSBR Board
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Hokie Mom
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Posted: 11/29/2011 5:22:35 AM
18 unless they are in college full-time.


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elaynef
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Posted: 11/29/2011 6:13:50 AM
I agree with the pea who said the economy is the perfect excuse to stop giving gifts to anyone. But, I would let them know. I would just send an email or make a phone call saying we are cutting back on Christmas gifts with no other excuse.

We did that several years ago when our finances were tight and Christmas has been much more stress free since then.

This made me smile:

She's old enough to start buying for YOU. If she wants a gift, she should be giving one to receive one.

I told my family that when my grandchildren start making more money than I do, I will stop sending gifts and expect to get gifts from them.


And the King will tell them, when you did it to one of the least of these,you were doing it to me.

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GrinningCat
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Posted: 11/29/2011 6:16:03 AM
I know families have their own traditions but it kind of makes me sad to read that nieces and nephews don't matter in the gift department after they become adults. I guess I just don't understand the connection and it surprises me that so many people think that now that they are adults they don't deserve to receive gifts. But maybe it's because I like to give gifts to everyone, regardless of age.

marycain
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Posted: 11/29/2011 7:26:15 AM

I know families have their own traditions but it kind of makes me sad to read that nieces and nephews don't matter in the gift department after they become adults.



It has nothing to do with "not mattering" as adults: in a family the size of ours, it's simply impractical to buy for every single niece and nephew. I have 42 nieces and nephews: some of whom are older than I am, and have grandchildren! By the time you add in the spouses of the adult nieces and nephews, not to mention their children and spouses, and in some cases grandchildren - plus all the aunts and uncles and dozens of cousins - my extended family is easily three hundred plus people.

A line has to be drawn somewhere, and in our family we've chosen to make it 13. It's nothing to be sad about - the pre-teens in our family look forward to being old enough to participate in the cousins' name draw. It's a big deal for us - like a rite of passage out of childhood.



BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 11/29/2011 8:06:12 AM
My nieces and nephew ARE NOT self-supporting, yet. Both DH's family and mine, pretty much went to cards and "greetings" at Christmas at about the time we were self-supporting, usually the cut-off was marriage, but my cousins; all but one are unmarried.

Does not mean we never got gifts, but they were more for milestones and passing down family heritage (grandma's this, grandpa's that) stuff.

My side does a drawing for Christmas, all the ADULTS (12 now) draw the name of one other adult and buys a gift ($25 or under) creativity counts, gift cards okay, but need some sort of "presentation" it's a decorating contest in a way.



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JamieBohBamie
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Posted: 11/29/2011 8:09:57 AM
Now that I'm married, DH's niece is the only niece I have and she's 11. We've been giving her holiday gifts for as long as we've been together and I can't imagine that stopping. DH has lived with her for her entire life until about the past 6 months, so she was just like another sibling of his, in a way. I know we have a while until she's an adult, but his family is small enough (and mine is Jewish- so no gift drama) that it's not a big deal to buy presents for everyone- it totals about 8 people and gifts don't have to be expensive. Mostly gifts are clothing and a game/craft for DN.



eebud
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Posted: 11/29/2011 11:12:27 AM

I know families have their own traditions but it kind of makes me sad to read that nieces and nephews don't matter in the gift department after they become adults. I guess I just don't understand the connection and it surprises me that so many people think that now that they are adults they don't deserve to receive gifts. But maybe it's because I like to give gifts to everyone, regardless of age.

In most cases, I don't think it has anything to do with not deserving gifts. It gets too expensive as they grow up and marry (now a spouse to buy for too). Then they start having kids so you have more nieces and nephews. If you include cousins, It grows from there. It is not practical financially for most people to be able to buy for that many people.

I never really had a set age. I haven't lived in the same city and/or state as my nieces and nephews in over 25 years. Some were not even born yet when I moved. I have never spent Christmas with any of them. Two are married but neither have kids yet. One of the married ones I have not sent Christmas gifts to in many years. I haven't seen her in over 10 years. My other niece I send to some years and other years I don't. It just depends on if I see something I think she will like. I do still give a gift to both of my nephews. One is a first year college student and the other a first year high school student. They will both get money because that is what they need/want. I don't send gifts to my cousins. That would really get out of hand because there are a lot of them. The cousins that I see during the holidays, I will typically have a token gift or will take a food item for everyone to share.





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Caylor123
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Posted: 12/2/2011 4:39:51 PM

We buy gifts for nieces and nephews in our family, regardless of age. We do not believe in the whole "Christmas is for kids and adults should not receive gifts" nonsense that some people oddly subscribe to.

I may not see my nephews frequently during the year (they live across the country from me), but I would never consider NOT gifting them when I see them at Christmas. To me, that's inherently wrong.

To me, it sounds like you don't like the SIL's tactics... I have to admit, I wouldn't either. But I wouldn't punish the niece for her mom's stupidity, just as I wouldn't punish a family member by not purchasing them a gift because they dared to become an adult. Everyone needs and deserves presents at Christmas, not just the kids.


I know families have their own traditions but it kind of makes me sad to read that nieces and nephews don't matter in the gift department after they become adults. I guess I just don't understand the connection and it surprises me that so many people think that now that they are adults they don't deserve to receive gifts. But maybe it's because I like to give gifts to everyone, regardless of age.



I have 27 nieces and nephews plus their 12 spouses. 30 Great-nieces and nephews and 2 g-g nephews. SO only has 2 nephews and 1 niece.

It's not that they don't matter in the gift department, it's that as we get more little ones, we have to move the older ones into the adult yankee swap.
I use to get gifts or make them for 23 kids, it was crazy but fun.

Now I just don't have the money to buy 74 gifts, I would love to give them all gifts, it's just not possible. And really, gifts don't equate love, at least to me. Even though gift giving is my love language, it's just not possible. And it doesn't mean I love them any less.

Connie

AussieMeg
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Posted: 12/2/2011 6:26:12 PM
In my extended family we have recently introduced Secret Santa for the adults, but the younger children (up to about 18yo) still get gifts from everyone.

However, my 2 aunties still buy gifts for me and I am 44yo!!!

Miss Lerins Momma
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Posted: 12/2/2011 7:19:51 PM
I'd stop now... anything over 18 is an adult.

We do buy for my aunt's kids (my cousins, who are 19 & 21) but only because my aunt does so much for our own kids.








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PEArfect
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Posted: 12/2/2011 7:39:05 PM
I think I would stop when they started demanding gifts and giving me orders as to what to buy them. That's not what the holidays are about.


I have a niece that has a case of the "gimme gimme's" too. She is getting homemade applesauce and maybe a fuzzy sock cupcake this year. She's an adult (25yo) and I don't feel I have to buy for her anymore. I wish our family would draw names for one family member to buy for, excluding young children.


Jen


msquared8438
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Posted: 11/23/2012 11:04:31 AM
This sounds like my story only the kids are steps of steps and oldest is in 20's. I don't have the money.

Fireflyy
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Posted: 11/23/2012 12:24:15 PM

Oh and if you don't follow the list she will be calling you for a gift receipt or original receipt to return the item.


My in-laws (MIL, SIL, BIL) would ask where the gift receipt was AS we were opening the gifts.

SayraG
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Posted: 11/23/2012 12:57:30 PM
Once we realized we were just exchanging gift cards back and forth (once or twice for stores not available or close by) we all laughed and now happily just wish each other heart felt "Happy Holidays!" instead.


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Posted: 11/23/2012 12:58:13 PM
I have 7 nieces/nephews and 3 great nieces/nephews. 2 are minors. I'm only getting gifts for 1 of the 10. Sandy put me in a hardship situation and I am really cutting back until things get much better.


Staci
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Posted: 11/23/2012 1:03:23 PM
We consider our ds's adults when they graduate from college.


Luanne

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Posted: 11/23/2012 1:24:37 PM
We buy for our nephews, but there are only 4 of them and only one is a teenager. I plan on buying for mine at least through high school... possibly college if we can afford it (I'm sure there will be additions to the family).

I always ask for suggestions for the kids... I don't have kids of my own, so I don't really know what they're into. I appreciate knowing what the kids like and don't like. However, the minute someone tried to dictate what I give their kid... I would be done.

tamhugh
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Posted: 11/23/2012 1:41:22 PM
Now I feel like a total whiner and slacker. I complain about having to buy for 26 people. I bow down to those of you with the huge families!

In our family, we have always bought for the kids until they have kids of their own. Now, that generation is mostly grown and we are talking about all of the adults just doing a name swap. We would still buy for the little ones (two 4 year olds and a 7 year old between both sides). I think DH's side is going to switch to that system next year. My mom refuses.

x2mom
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Posted: 11/23/2012 1:51:35 PM
In my family we decided to stop about 6 years ago because we decided it was a waste of time and money to shop for each other's kids. My kids were 12 and 10 at the time. One sister was a little reluctant to change but agreed to the following year. That first year, I stood firm and didn't buy any nieces and nephews gifts.

Now that we have done this, we all agree it was the best decision ever and it gives us more time and money to do other things other than shopping for things that will be tossed out in a few months anyway. Mostly it was the time spent fretting over what to buy.

Birthday gifts from my parents (the grandparents) are cut off at 18. At 18 they get $100 and up to that age they get anywhere from $40-60. Birthday gifts to the neices and nephews are now cut off once they enter middle school.

We all still give a graduation present when they graduate college or high school.
Once my nieces and nephews start getting married, we have agreed to buy wedding and shower gifts of course, but, we won't be buying the nieces and nephew's babies birthday and christmas gifts.

I just hate shopping for gifts when I have too, but, I will frequently give my nieces and nephews things/money at random times. They seem to appreciate things more when they are least expected.

writermom1
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Posted: 11/23/2012 2:33:46 PM
We transitioned to a family gift exchange (one child's name per family) so we only buy for one niece or nephew on DH's side anyway. Their names are generally removed around the time they turn 18. There is also a $25 limit.

On my side we came to a decision to do away with cousin/niece/nephew gifts altogether. We all love each other and get along great but it just got to be too much.




houstonsandy
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Posted: 11/23/2012 3:10:31 PM
We stopped giving gifts to our nieces/nephews when they got out of high school, so we gifted 10 nieces and nephew on DH's side of the family for about 18 years each.
It is my daughter who ended up getting the short end of the stick, however, because she is 10 or more years younger than all of her cousins. They must have all felt it was mutual, because when we stopped giving to them, they all stopped giving to her. She is 15 now and hasn't gotten anything from any of them for at least five years now.





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Posted: 11/23/2012 3:27:28 PM
We stop at 18 and no one dictates to me who I must buy a gift for. Your sister sounds like a walking headache.



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Tuva42
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Posted: 11/23/2012 4:21:26 PM
I have 4 nephews who are in their 20s and early 30s. Three are married and one is engaged. I buy for them all, their wives and the 5 younger nieces and nephews DH and I have.

I like shopping for the young married ones. I know they are setting up houses, getting on their feet, etc. I ask for very specific ideas and over the years I've given them things to stock their kitchens, decorate their living rooms, buy them clothes for their new jobs, etc. I feel like these gifts are a much better use of my money than any amount of toys I bought them when they were younger. However, we are close to all of our nieces and nephews, see them regularly, are promptly thanked for our gifts, and the older 3 buy us gifts now.


Laurie

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Posted: 11/23/2012 4:25:48 PM
I haven't read the entire thread, but,

Quit buying a gift for her based on her age and lack of contact, not based on "well, she's not even blood." She's still family so treat her the way you woud blood nieces and nephews.
I thought the same thing. I was totally on board with the idea of "don't buy a gift if you feel it's time to quit buying at a certain age". And then I read the above comment. I think that says A LOT about why you really don't want to get her a gift.

Maybe I'm wrong, but gosh, that sure hit my gut like a ton of bricks to see you say that.


-Angela

huskergal
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Posted: 11/23/2012 4:34:44 PM
We stop at 18 and we have never given to all the nieces and nephews. I did when there were only a couple of them. Our children do a gift exchange on my side of the family. On dh's side, we only give godchildren Christmas gifts.


Susan



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Posted: 11/23/2012 4:53:07 PM
Huh, thought I'd heard this story before..... newbie bumped a year old thread.

ilovebuble
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Posted: 11/23/2012 6:46:02 PM
I have one nephew (one year old) and several young cousins. I buy gifts for each of them and I will continue to do so until I can't anymore. I don't give a gift with the expectation of getting a gift back. I haven't seen my young (12, twins) cousins in 2 years, but we skype often and when I talk to their mom (my first cousin) on the phone they will usually get on the phone and talk to me.

My family doesn't demand gifts in the form of a list, though. If I see something I think my little girl cousin may like I will pick it up for her. She's still young enough and I'm "cool" enough in her eyes that she loves everything I give her. I don't see it ending soon. She is very artistic and she usually sends me a painting or a bracelet. I have several paintings of hers hanging in my home and I proudly wear the bracelets, even if they aren't my style. I love her and I love that she thinks of her cousin even if we are on opposite ends of the country.

kmoller
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Posted: 11/23/2012 7:18:51 PM
Our rule is nieces and nephews up to high school only. Once they graduate they're adults, regardless of whether they continue on to college or not, and there's no more gift giving required (except for myself and children, even though they're adults).

We used to buy for all family members, then switched to drawing names, now we don't even do that amongst my parents and siblings. A nice card and dinner together to celebrate the season! Works well for everyone as there's no stress about what to buy someone and no hassle over receiving something that will become clutter (or returned). My own philosophy is that if I am in desperate need of something then I'll go out and buy it myself. Overall Christmas gift giving has become so much easier for those that I do have to buy for, and so much more stress free for those that I don't.
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writermom1
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Posted: 11/23/2012 7:40:59 PM

A nice card and dinner together to celebrate the season! Works well for everyone as there's no stress about what to buy someone and no hassle over receiving something that will become clutter (or returned). My own philosophy is that if I am in desperate need of something then I'll go out and buy it myself. Overall Christmas gift giving has become so much easier for those that I do have to buy for, and so much more stress free for those that I don't.


That's how I feel.




WorkingClassDog
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Posted: 11/23/2012 8:07:52 PM
There is no way my sister and I would do that to each other... we buy if we want to or not. We don't 'keep' tabs either. Period. It's all good. Sometimes I am cash poor and I can't. Sometimes she just forgets. It's all good.




pynk E

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Posted: 11/23/2012 8:56:05 PM
I find this sense of entitlement interesting. The cutoff here is 18, 18 being the last year on the kids list. Even my autistic guys fall under this rule.

MikeWozowski
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Posted: 11/23/2012 9:00:07 PM
once the only thing kids (or adults) will accept is cash, i think it is time to call it off.

if you can't possibly come up with a list of things you would like or accept what someone picks out for you graciously, then it it is time to stop.

we come from a family were everyone is well to do enough that nobody really "needs" anything, so gift giving is kind of hard and not much fun.

~scrap-it-all~
PeaFixture

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Posted: 11/23/2012 9:28:01 PM
When they get around 14, they get into the gift exchange "pool" where just the cousins buy gifts for each other. It works out well. Grandma and Grandpa still buy them gifts, so they end up with several to open at their grandparents on Christmas afternoon. Hope that makes sense.



auntkelly
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Posted: 11/23/2012 9:50:05 PM
My husband and I only have six nieces and nephews. We'll probably always buy them a gift at Christmas.


Ginny

saraheliza19
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Posted: 11/24/2012 12:02:59 AM
I have an extremely large extended family that is also very close. When I was growing up, all the kids( under 18) were put in a cup on thanksgiving and their parents drew as many names as children they had. If there was a new baby( under a year) everyone seemed to buy for the baby because... Well they were new and fun to shop for! The older we got, the more we couldn't wait to get out of the cup!
That was some time ago, now that we have 4 generations( grandparents, parents,cousins, 2nd cousins with a whopping total of 73 family members) we no longer draw names, and everyone is more than okay with this. While I do still exchange gifts with some family members, this is done before or after the holiday. Besides, nothing is better than watching my tiny 85 year old grandma open a massive pile of gifts and rave about each one.
That being said, I only have one nephew(7), so unless my ds and bil have a bunch more children, or if I marry someone who has numbers like my own family, I will continue to shop for my nephew.
I think that it is more than appropriate to stop giving your niece gifts. If you feel that would cause issues with the family, then I suggest a nice card, inside you could suggest that you two spend quality time together, perhaps lunch or a movie. It wouldn't make her feel left out when your nephew opens his gift and it lets her know that you want to see her more often.
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gar
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Posted: 11/24/2012 2:00:38 AM

But when the family was told to buy niece a gift we all did not to ruffle feathers.


Well, then you really can't complain. This situation has obviously being going on for years with your contolling SIL calling the shots.

For us it's 21 but it was a happy, mutual decision not because I or my sister or SILs told each other to.



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Nicole in TX
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Posted: 11/24/2012 8:15:41 AM

And truthfully, if someone was 'telling' me to send cash, I would just stop out of pigheadedness


This! I can't stand that kind of entitled attitude!



pageturner7
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Posted: 11/24/2012 8:19:12 AM
in our family, we never really even went there, which was a blessing on both sides of our families. There were simply too many people. We kept gift giving internal. Honestly, a gift should never be an obligation, and should always be given freely. If you start demanding "what types of gifts people can/cannot give your children, you need a reality check!
I think your sister in law is way out of line.

russiansage
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Posted: 11/24/2012 9:41:20 AM
We stop after HS graduation.

We do an ornament grab bag every year with extended family though.

Princess Pea
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Posted: 11/24/2012 9:49:42 AM
We have a small family and my kids only have 2 first cousins. They live 1000 miles away. SIL is pretty picky about their toys, which makes it hard to buy for them anyway. They live in a very small apartment and space is limited. My kids certainly don't need more stuff, so unless we are together for Christmas (about every other year), we don't exchange.


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fredfreddy
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Posted: 11/24/2012 11:13:16 AM
We do a name picking thing with the 7 nieces and nephews. Each picks one. Sara is 20 and for the first time she will not be included. She just shrugged her shoulders when I told her.


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