Family drama, labor and delivery style.

Two Peas is Closing
Click here to visit our final product sale. Click here to visit our FAQ page regarding the closing of Two Peas.

Posted 5/29/2012 by Proserpina in NSBR Board
1 2 >
 

Proserpina
PeaNut

PeaNut 540,926
January 2012
Posts: 77
Layouts: 0
Loc: Central Texas

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:10:19 PM
My brother in law and his wife had a baby several months ago and they didn't tell anyone in his family that she was in labor or anything until the baby was 4 hours old. Since then my mother in law, while happy about the birth of her first grandchild, is devastated that she couldn't share this day with her son. She made it clear they wanted to drive the two hours to be there during the delivery even if it was in a hotel and not at the hospital. They never suggested that they wanted to be in the room or intrude at all, however his wife's parents were there shortly after labor started.

She feels cut out of the birth of her grandson.

The problem is that she is confiding this in me, and I am listening to how her heart was broken. I found out today that I am expecting (we haven't told anyone yet). And I want to reassure her that she will be welcome in the hospital but I don't want to appear to be upstaging the sister in law or causing any additional problems.

How do I go about this. Is it better for me to approach her or wait until she asks?

PerfectCircles
In a world of spheres

PeaNut 84,430
May 2003
Posts: 6,405
Layouts: 29

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:16:26 PM
Congratulations!

I'm sure it all depends on the personality of your mother-in-law. It seems it would be easy enough to quietly assure here that she is welcome to be there, while adding that you do understand that it is a very personal decision and you're not slighting or judging SIL for her choices.

I think you need to tell her in a quiet, personal manner, very soon after you tell her you're pregnant so she can relax and enjoy the pregnancy with you without worrying.

Breitbarth
PeaNut

PeaNut 544,682
February 2012
Posts: 457
Layouts: 1
Loc: Corinth, MS

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:17:38 PM
I'd wait until she asks, BUT remember this is YOUR moment/a private and personal moment. Don't feel obligated to have her there if that is not what you truly want.


Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.

Breitbarth
PeaNut

PeaNut 544,682
February 2012
Posts: 457
Layouts: 1
Loc: Corinth, MS

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:18:43 PM
and CONGRATS!!


Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened.

*Leanne*
Adam Lambert is my gay boyfriend!

PeaNut 34,268
March 2002
Posts: 14,189
Layouts: 0
Loc: Calgary, Alberta

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:19:22 PM
Congratulations!

I think you just need to deal with it the way you normally would ... try not to think of the other situation ... tell your MIL and make her as involved as you want her to be ...

Leanne



jrenae
Doing strange things in the name of Art

PeaNut 94,583
July 2003
Posts: 23,541
Layouts: 87
Loc: "Oh, here go hell come" AZ

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:33:50 PM
Yeah, this is hard for some MILs. While it's the couple's time and their moment, they're bringing a new family member into the world, so other family members want to be a part of it. Problem is, everyone has a different idea how they want to be a part of it, whether it's possible or not.

Our situation was when Dd was born, MIL was somewhere on the road between home (Tempe/Mesa) and Provo, UT. Therefore, DH didn't try to get a hold of her. She didn't have a cell. She figured she would call when she got home (we did have a cell phone). WELL...Dd was born at 6:39pm and the next morning, DH's mom called all mad that she had been born for over 12 hours and no one told her. How can you tell someone that doesn't have a phone and is on the road? I remember hearing DH on the phone, "Mom...MOM...Mom! Listen, there was no way to get a hold of you, okay?" He also said something to the effect of that we had a tough night (first itme parents with newborn) and he was feeling emotional enough and he had more people to call and he didn't need her barking at him over something he could do nothing about. Sheesh.


...Jill


My blog on life, art and whatever! Go to " Unseasonably Warm " at unseasonably.blogspot.com



"I know God doesn't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much." -- Mother Teresa

ksuheather
low-information individual

PeaNut 190,373
February 2005
Posts: 8,196
Layouts: 0
Loc: wherever the army sends us

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:38:19 PM
First off, congratulations!

And I wouldn't make any plans regarding labor and delivery just yet. For me Labor and Delivery were deeply intense and private and we didn't call anyone until it was all over. I truly don't understand why your MIL is all butt hurt about not being in town.



A veteran is someone who, at one
point in his life, wrote a blank check
made payable to 'The United States of
America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'


PierKiss
What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists

PeaNut 82,319
April 2003
Posts: 15,081
Layouts: 39

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:39:20 PM
You worry about you and your and your child's relationship with this woman. You do not worry about your sister-in-laws relationship with her. It was her and her husband's choice not to tell anyone that their baby was arriving. I understand that, my husband and I did the same thing when our first was born. We wanted the privacy, and we wanted to be able to bond with our daughter for a substantial amount of time before the family arrived. We also did not wany anyone in the room, or putting pressure on me to be in the room. Because nobody needed to see my lady parts other than my husband, my doctor, and the few nurses that were present (along with whoever else was in the operating room) No lingering feelings of sadness on anyones part though. Your mother in law needs to address this with her daughter(in-law), not with you. I would re-direct any more conversations about this to something else.

As far as you upstaging your sister-in-law, don't worry about it. You should go ahead and tell her yourself though. Don't wait for her to hear from some other family member, unless it's your husband. Her feelings WILL be hurt if she hears it from an outside source.

Congratulations!!! How exciting for you guys!



TravelAgent
Resident Smart Ass

PeaNut 294,429
January 2007
Posts: 12,858
Layouts: 7
Loc: Indiana

Posted: 5/29/2012 6:45:29 PM
My advice would be not to say anything about birthing arrangements, even privately, this early in the pregnancy. So many things could happen -- you could be put on bedrest and deliver early, during the same week MIL is out of town.

In your shoes, I'd wait until around 7.5 or even 8 months to start figuring out who to invite to the delivery. Your own hormones could dictate a different list by then.

Remember, too, MIL is emotional because it's all new. I bit my tongue until it bled when my brother's inlaws crowded out my mom and me at the hospital when my niece and nephew were born. I kept chanting a mantra in my head, "It's her mom and sister. Our family member is a guy. It's her mom and sister. Our family member is a guy." Today, I have a big role in those kids' lives and I honestly don't remember the feelings of jealousy that well. Even "heartbroken" mends.

Julie




sharonmnc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 39,386
May 2002
Posts: 7,486
Layouts: 28
Loc: Charlotte, NC

Posted: 5/29/2012 7:10:55 PM
Trying to get a mental picture of my MIL in the delivery room.... Nope, can't do it, thank God. Where does somebody get off being p*$$ed because they weren't included in something so personal? Sounds like a glass half empty situation to me. Devastated? Pu-leeze.

You worry about yourself, your husband & your baby, not who's going to get their panties in a wad because they don't get invited to "the party" aka Labor & Delivery or who feels "upstaged" by who you invite. Once they see the baby, all will be forgiven, or should be if they have any sense.

Congratulations. You have lots to look forward to.


Sharon

Serving Up Sunshine
My Pinterest
My Smugmug Gallery

D300, D70, Nikon 80-200 f2.8, Tamron 28-75-f2.8, Nikon 18-200, Tokina 12-24, Nikon 10.5mm F/2.8G Fisheye, Nikon 50mm f1.8, Nikon SB800


writermom1
Thrift Whisperer

PeaNut 114,407
November 2003
Posts: 22,729
Layouts: 66
Loc: At the intersection of Hooterville and Stars Hollow

Posted: 5/29/2012 7:14:46 PM
She needs to get over herself.

The Labor and Delivery is about the parents of the child. Period.

In your case I would mention it only if asked. If you bring it up first you do sound like you are trying to appease her. If she asks, however, I would think it a kindness for you to share that she is welcome - with no judgment expressed or implied on anyone else's choice for their L&D.




writermom1
Thrift Whisperer

PeaNut 114,407
November 2003
Posts: 22,729
Layouts: 66
Loc: At the intersection of Hooterville and Stars Hollow

Posted: 5/29/2012 7:34:14 PM

Did you even read the OP? It does NOT say the MIL is pissed nor does it say she wanted to be in the delivery room -- even at the hospital if the parents didn't want her at the hospital. What it does say is that she would have liked to have been notified earlier so that she could drive the 2 hours to the city where they baby was born and be nearby -- at a hotel if the couple didn't want them in a waiting room of the hospital -- so they could feel a part of the day and be available to visit as soon as the parents were ready for visitors. Not sitting 2 hours away with no idea of such a significant event in the family until 4 hours after the fact, especially given that the other grandparents were there shortly after labor started. They're the grandparents after all, not some random distant relatives.





I read the OP and tend to think that if the MIL is this bent out of shape after the fact, the story that she would have happily remained ensconced in nearby hotel does not ring true.




*maureen*
Bad Wolf

PeaNut 191,892
February 2005
Posts: 6,033
Layouts: 0
Loc: Wheaton

Posted: 5/29/2012 7:45:57 PM
First, Congrats! Babies are a joy and gift and they grow up way too quickly!

Second, I echo the poster who said not to make any decisions about the birth situation until you get closer to the date as promises made now might be out of your hands in seven months.

Third, birth is really stressful and you need to make sure that you take care of yourself and you don't make commitments out of guilt or obligation. Trust me, no one is going to love your baby less because they weren't involved in the experience. Further, if they do, they aren't the people you want around your child.

And finally, this:



I believe it's the parents' right to decide when to invite others to share in their experience but when that both families are respected equally both families should be notified at the same time unless a situation prevents someone from being able to be notified


is crap. When I was in labor I was scared and needed to talk to my mom, I didn't need my in-laws. As the mother of a son, I expect my son's wife to one day feel the same way. The relationship between the soon-to-be-mother and her mother is stronger than the soon-to-be-mother and her mother-in-law.

PierKiss
What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists

PeaNut 82,319
April 2003
Posts: 15,081
Layouts: 39

Posted: 5/29/2012 7:49:49 PM

It was her and her husband's choice not to tell anyone that their baby was arriving.


The way I read the OP, it was the parents' choice not to tell the husband's parents their baby was arriving until 4 hours after the birth; the wife's parents knew and were there shortly after labor started.


I've read the OP 3 times now, and I don't see where she said that the mothers parents knew ahead of time, but that the husbands parents were kept in the dark.




*maureen*
Bad Wolf

PeaNut 191,892
February 2005
Posts: 6,033
Layouts: 0
Loc: Wheaton

Posted: 5/29/2012 7:53:59 PM

I've read the OP 3 times now, and I don't see where she said that the mothers parents knew ahead of time, but that the husbands parents were kept in the dark.



Last sentence first paragraph.


They never suggested that they wanted to be in the room or intrude at all, however his wife's parents were there shortly after labor started.

tamhugh
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 12,875
March 2001
Posts: 8,668
Layouts: 11

Posted: 5/29/2012 8:00:15 PM

They never suggested that they wanted to be in the room or intrude at all, however his wife's parents were there shortly after labor started.


Pierkiss... this is what she said. The mom's parents were there for the birth and the in-laws weren't called until 4 hours later.

Epeanymous
PeaFixture

PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
Posts: 3,301
Layouts: 1

Posted: 5/29/2012 8:00:40 PM
Congrats on the pregnancy!

If I were you, I would wait to make birth decisions. When I was ten seconds pregnant with my first, I was envisioning a home birth; by the time I got through nine months, I had decided on a hospital birth and had also decided that I didn't want anyone at the hospital but dh. Give it time and don't commit to anything until you have really worked everything through and see how you feel.

As for your SIL/MIL situation, this doesn't have to be about her. If your MIL insists on trying to make this into good DIL/bad DIL, just don't let her -- tell her that you and your SIL are different people making different decisions about how you want to experience birth. I wouldn't tell her to address this to SIL, however -- however hurt your MIL may feel, absolutely no good will come of MIL confronting SIL.

cycworker
On dry runs Santa drives the Isuzu

PeaNut 159,331
July 2004
Posts: 9,903
Layouts: 0
Loc: Vancouver Island, BC, Canada

Posted: 5/29/2012 8:00:43 PM

To answer the OP: My suggestion was that you wait until nearer your delivery to decide how you want to handle things and then strive to keep notifications of the grandparents as "even" as possible so as to be as considerate of the feelings of the relatives as possible.



I agree with this post.


-Tania... but people who like me call me `Tang`


The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values.
Norman Thomas
US socialist politician (1884 - 1968)

Human and civil rights should NEVER be subject to the tyranny of the majority. Minorities gain legal equality only when those in power come to understand that their unearned privilege is wrong, and enforce change upon society. - ProfessorZed

sharonmnc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 39,386
May 2002
Posts: 7,486
Layouts: 28
Loc: Charlotte, NC

Posted: 5/29/2012 8:37:50 PM

As for your SIL/MIL situation, this doesn't have to be about her. If your MIL insists on trying to make this into good DIL/bad DIL, just don't let her

I did misread the original post, but it still sounds like your MIL is looking for something to get her feelings hurt over. I'm still shocked at this attitude.

my mother in law, while happy about the birth of her first grandchild, is , devastated that she couldn't share this day with her son.
OP, be considerate but don't get guilted into anything. It's your very special time with your husband and your new baby.


Sharon

Serving Up Sunshine
My Pinterest
My Smugmug Gallery

D300, D70, Nikon 80-200 f2.8, Tamron 28-75-f2.8, Nikon 18-200, Tokina 12-24, Nikon 10.5mm F/2.8G Fisheye, Nikon 50mm f1.8, Nikon SB800


PierKiss
What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists

PeaNut 82,319
April 2003
Posts: 15,081
Layouts: 39

Posted: 5/29/2012 8:52:04 PM


Last sentence first paragraph.

They never suggested that they wanted to be in the room or intrude at all, however his wife's parents were there shortly after labor started.


Thank you! Reading comprehension has not been my friend today! It took me several hours to figure out just what was so funny in that typo fail today!




*maureen*
Bad Wolf

PeaNut 191,892
February 2005
Posts: 6,033
Layouts: 0
Loc: Wheaton

Posted: 5/29/2012 8:54:02 PM

It took me several hours to figure out just what was so funny in that typo fail today!


Yeah, I needed the road map for that too

PomMom
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 114,805
November 2003
Posts: 2,020
Layouts: 4

Posted: 5/29/2012 8:57:03 PM
Congratulations!!

My DIL made it clear that she ONLY wanted my son in there with the team to deliver our grandsons. I feel she did a very good job making sure that both sets of grandparents had equal access after both births. We as the larger family followed the hospital and the new mom's dictates to the letter. I do not mind not being part of the birth. If she had invited me to be there at the birth, I would have done that as well. I feel it should be up to the new parents, not the extended family.

Miss Jen
Mommy to Snowflakes

PeaNut 108,861
September 2003
Posts: 23,034
Layouts: 255

Posted: 5/29/2012 9:08:26 PM
Honestly, you're at the beginning of your pregnancy. Is it your first? Then likely what you'll want at the time of delivery will change 800 times between now and then. I wouldn't promise or volunteer anything at this point. If she asks, I would just say "oh MIL, that's 8 months away--I haven't even begun to make decisions about that yet!" I think it's way too early in your pregnancy to be creating expectations or promises. Birth is so personal and it's so very possible that you won't know what you want until you get there.

Congratulations, by the way!



clee321
It is always easier to edit than it is to create

PeaNut 161,211
August 2004
Posts: 9,670
Layouts: 10
Loc: Land of Mold and Pollen

Posted: 5/29/2012 9:27:16 PM
The person giving birth gets to decide who is with her. It is her body and she needs to be comfortable. I think it is logical that a woman giving birth would want her mom with her.

MIL seems to be a drama llama. I would beware of what she is saying to others in the family.

Pitting one DIL against the other is poor taste/judgment.


Uploaded with iPhone client

Idahopea
AncestralPea

PeaNut 118,464
December 2003
Posts: 4,266
Layouts: 0
Loc: Idaho

Posted: 5/29/2012 9:45:23 PM

My advice would be not to say anything about birthing arrangements, even privately, this early in the pregnancy. So many things could happen -- you could be put on bedrest and deliver early, during the same week MIL is out of town.

In your shoes, I'd wait until around 7.5 or even 8 months to start figuring out who to invite to the delivery. Your own hormones could dictate a different list by then.


This! I did not want my inlaws anywhere near the hospital! I wanted to know that no one was going to see my private parts except the hospital staff and dh. Plus, I wanted to get to know my baby without everyone trying to take over. I was so exhausted after my first birth that having any extended family would have been too much. There is no way I could have dealt with trying to please my inlaws at the time of the birth because they just were not the easy going type. My FIL would have had to have all the attention on him and a hormonal woman is in no shape to deal with that right after giving birth! JMHO

ETA: Just wanted to add that my parents were not at the hospital either so I wasn't just biased towards my inlaws. We also lived far, far from both of our families and having any of them visit also meant them staying with us in our very small house. There is no way I wanted to be entertaining with a newborn. We were lucky to have both sides visit within a couple of months of the baby's birth and everyone got to enjoy the visits. If our families had been living in the same town, I would have welcomed a visit at the hospital, but probably not until the baby was a few hours old. I would have been upset if the relatives got to hold the baby before I did and with a c-section it was a while before I got to hold him.

mom2cameron
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 150,880
June 2004
Posts: 5,017
Layouts: 1
Loc: On a softball field somewhere.

Posted: 5/29/2012 10:07:09 PM
Congratulations!!


Uploaded with iPhone client

CountryHam
PeaFixture

PeaNut 335,105
August 2007
Posts: 3,691
Layouts: 0

Posted: 5/29/2012 10:22:16 PM
My husband's parents are as important to him as mine are to me. We created the baby together. If I invite my parents, then I invite his. I am the child's mother, he is the child's father. All 4 of our parents are the child's grandparents equally. I do think it's unfair for the paternal grandmother to play second fiddle the maternal grandmother so often.

How much do I believe that? My father in law sat right in the room with me for much of my labor (along with everyone else in the whole hee haw clan). I ended up with a c-section though.

eebud
Doxie Pea Mom

PeaNut 52,841
October 2002
Posts: 33,484
Layouts: 25

Posted: 5/29/2012 10:30:00 PM
OP, as the mom of a son, Thank You for feeling that the babies paternal grandparents are important too. The grandmother is not asking to be in the room. She would like to be close by, maybe in the waiting room, so that she can be a part of the experience along with the maternal grandparents.





Hans on left, Bud in middle, Gretchen on right

Rosy Cheeks
PeaAddict

PeaNut 439,430
September 2009
Posts: 1,871
Layouts: 10
Loc: behind the red door

Posted: 5/29/2012 10:59:40 PM
Just wondering if any of the poster's are MIL's? I am & I understand the mil's frustation. I was told right from start what and where I belonged when it came to the birth of my grandchildren.(my son's. Children) Let's just say I was made to feel unwelcome & not really needed to be a part of "that family". I really REALLY want to share in the excitment of my son's children. But felt like my DIL did not understand my need to be a TInY bit involved, even just waiting in the waiting room. Saddly what has happened is because i did not want ato anger my DIL or impose too much of myself into her family... I held my excitement and need to be w/my grandchildren in check, I have not bonded w/my son's children as strongly as I have w/my daughter's children. I do not love them any less, I just don't dare show how much I do love them, KWIM? I feel as if I always have to look over & my DIL IS OK w/how I talk to them & not trying take over. It's hard to put in words what ÃŽ mean, it hurts to say that, because it's very important that my son's children NEVER feel any less loved then their cousin's by me. I really feel bad when some of the poster's say the MIL should just"get over herself" or something along that. Just remember someday YOU will be a MIL & how you reacted to this situation. I really have to say how sweet you are OP to worry about your MIL's feelings. Congrates on the blessing.


"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally
better then your dreams."

~Dr Suess

peaterpumpkineater
BucketHead

PeaNut 541,300
February 2012
Posts: 717
Layouts: 0

Posted: 5/29/2012 11:03:04 PM
Congratulations on your pregnancy! How exciting for you and DH.

As far as when to invite people to the delivery room, I think that happens once you've made a birthing plan. Right now you don't know at all how the actual delivery will take place, and you don't want to extend invitations you'd have to retract later.

I'm questioning the story of the MIL as well. We are definitely only hearing one side of it. I'd like to hear from the new mom and what her reasoning was. I kind of suspect that she is the type who won't take no for an answer and would barge into the room after being specifically told the mom wasn't comfortable with her being there.

Obviously the grandparents from both sides are equally related to the baby, but the birthing process is about the mom, and what she is comfortable with. She does not need the added stress of in-laws in the room if she does not have a good relationship with them.

Gravity
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 371,428
April 2008
Posts: 2,020
Layouts: 0

Posted: 5/29/2012 11:44:09 PM
Congratulations on your pregnancy. I would not start issuing invitations to the birth just yet. My DD had her first baby last month at a birthing center. During the entire pregnancy she had talked about how she wanted everyone there for the birth. When labor started getting rough a few hours before she went to the birthing center, she called me and said she had changed her mind and didn't want anyone there except her husband and her best friend. It was okay with me. It was her birth and her body.

As for those who think the father should have a say in who is in the room, when a man experiences labor then exposes his bare bottom and pushes a baby out, he can say who is in the room to watch. Until then, I think the mom gets final say on who can and cannot be there. If the feelings of other family members get hurt, too bad. It's not about them.

Miss Jen
Mommy to Snowflakes

PeaNut 108,861
September 2003
Posts: 23,034
Layouts: 255

Posted: 5/29/2012 11:46:34 PM

My husband's parents are as important to him as mine are to me. We created the baby together. If I invite my parents, then I invite his. I am the child's mother, he is the child's father. All 4 of our parents are the child's grandparents equally. I do think it's unfair for the paternal grandmother to play second fiddle the maternal grandmother so often.

How much do I believe that? My father in law sat right in the room with me for much of my labor (along with everyone else in the whole hee haw clan). I ended up with a c-section though.


That's all very true and I applaud you for following through on your convictions, but in my opinion, L&D is mostly about the *mom,* and not the baby. And my DH's parents are *not* equally *my* parents. I didn't even want my own dad there, much less DH's parents. It had nothing to do with their role in my son's life, and everything to do with their role in mine.



gar
Whoopea!

PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 15,755
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK

Posted: 5/30/2012 2:23:10 AM
It's WAAAY too early to be talking about your own delivery with anyone other than your DH.

Say nothing until much nearer the time and then, base whatever you DO say on what YOU and your DH want - whatever anyone else did or didn't do should have no bearing on your decisions.

Congratulations







Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


gmcwife1
SamFan

PeaNut 33,625
March 2002
Posts: 9,769
Layouts: 0
Loc: Washington State

Posted: 5/30/2012 3:16:43 AM

My husband's parents are as important to him as mine are to me. We created the baby together. If I invite my parents, then I invite his. I am the child's mother, he is the child's father. All 4 of our parents are the child's grandparents equally. I do think it's unfair for the paternal grandmother to play second fiddle the maternal grandmother so often.

How much do I believe that? My father in law sat right in the room with me for much of my labor (along with everyone else in the whole hee haw clan). I ended up with a c-section though.



OP, as the mom of a son, Thank You for feeling that the babies paternal grandparents are important too. The grandmother is not asking to be in the room. She would like to be close by, maybe in the waiting room, so that she can be a part of the experience along with the maternal grandparents.


This is how my sister is with her inlaws - they have become part of our family and are at all of our normal family gatherings because of it

My former MIL was in the delivery room with me as dh was out to sea and my mom was out of the state. Current MIL lives in NY and we are in Washington so I haven't had all the in law issues that other peas have.

Congratulations to you


~ Dori ~

57suzi
PeaFixture

PeaNut 140,010
April 2004
Posts: 3,156
Layouts: 104
Loc: Pacific Northwest

Posted: 5/30/2012 3:56:54 AM
If I understand correctly, the OP is not talking about who will be in the delivery room, but who will be informed of the labor and "allowed" in the hospital.

I understand the feelings of the OP's MIL, as the same thing happened to us. We were TOLD to stay home until we were informed that we could come to the hospital to visit. This happened after about 30 misc friends and family members on her side had already been. Her mother, father, sister and brother were in her hospital room the entire labor and next several days, and then at their home for the next week.

I also agree with the previous poster who describes the balancing act of trying to show the same love to her son's children as she does to her daughter's, while not making her DIL feel that she is infringing in some unspoken manner. If you stay away from the DGC, you are accused of favoring the other ones, (and, it hurts you), but it's hard to figure out how to show love and attention and happiness when you are walking on eggshells, wondering what will get you accused of interfering. During the pregnancy of my first grandchild, DIL told me that it bothered her when I referred to the coming baby (my first grandchild) as "my grandbaby". I had not meant any harm, to me it was a way of saying how excited and happy I was and how I looked forward to welcoming her. But that's just it--saying anything like that made DIL feel that I was somehow taking something away from her.

OP: I agree with the majority that it is too soon to make any decision about who will be in the delivery room. That is for DH and you to decide after doing your research and talking to your doctor. If you have every intention of informing both sets of parents of labor itself as soon as you know, then I see no reason not to assure her of this. Or just talk about the coming baby itself in a way that shows you intend to include MIL in it's life.

Don't let this turn into a good DIL/bad DIL thing, anything that further separates family members is not helpful.

I wouldn't be surprised down the road, if you and MIL continue to have a good relationship, if SIL doesn't get jealous. Not that you want that or would do anything to cause it, but from what I have seen, it happens.


sharonmnc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 39,386
May 2002
Posts: 7,486
Layouts: 28
Loc: Charlotte, NC

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:09:46 AM

During the pregnancy of my first grandchild, DIL told me that it bothered her when I referred to the coming baby (my first grandchild) as "my grandbaby".
Seriously? Another "drama llama".


Sharon

Serving Up Sunshine
My Pinterest
My Smugmug Gallery

D300, D70, Nikon 80-200 f2.8, Tamron 28-75-f2.8, Nikon 18-200, Tokina 12-24, Nikon 10.5mm F/2.8G Fisheye, Nikon 50mm f1.8, Nikon SB800


*maureen*
Bad Wolf

PeaNut 191,892
February 2005
Posts: 6,033
Layouts: 0
Loc: Wheaton

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:21:28 AM

I understand the feelings of the OP's MIL, as the same thing happened to us. We were TOLD to stay home until we were informed that we could come to the hospital to visit.


I pray I have a daughter-in-law who doesn't expect me to wander the halls of some hospital when she gives birth. I think sometimes grandparents have forgotten how stressful the birth experience can be and have their eyes on the end game of the baby. I truly believe that birth is first and foremost about the mother and what she says goes. I'm blown away by the number of women who feel some entitlement to another persons birth experience. I can't imagine these women have a great relationship with their daughters-in-law.

gar
Whoopea!

PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 15,755
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:21:57 AM

During the pregnancy of my first grandchild, DIL told me that it bothered her when I referred to the coming baby (my first grandchild) as "my grandbaby".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



No excuse for being 'bothered' but was she refering to the word 'Grandbaby' instead of GrandCHILD?




Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


clee321
It is always easier to edit than it is to create

PeaNut 161,211
August 2004
Posts: 9,670
Layouts: 10
Loc: Land of Mold and Pollen

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:36:45 AM

I would have welcomed a visit at the hospital, but probably not until the baby was a few hours old. I would have been upset if the relatives got to hold the baby before I did and with a c-section it was a while before I got to hold him.


Yes with my first my In laws decided they had "rights" and would be there even though they were asked to wait at home ( less than 2 miles from the hospital ) until we called.

We were having a planned c-section for a child who had quit moving 3-4 weeks earlier due to low fluid. I wanted my hubby and sister in the delivery then no one else

So they camped out at the hospital, tried to see my child before I was allowed to and complained to anyone who would listen how horrible I was for not letting them in.

THEN when they came in the room they took my son and formed a semicircle in the corner of the room, blocking me out, not speaking to me and not allowing me to be a part of the "family".

I hope if I am a drama seeking Mother in Law that someone who loves me tells me I am being inappropriate.

Birthing a son doesn't give me rights to the body or birthing experience of his children's mom.


Uploaded with iPhone client

57suzi
PeaFixture

PeaNut 140,010
April 2004
Posts: 3,156
Layouts: 104
Loc: Pacific Northwest

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:42:20 AM

No excuse for being 'bothered' but was she refering to the word 'Grandbaby' instead of GrandCHILD?



I'm not even sure which word I used. I've always heard grandchild, grandson, granddaughter or grandbaby used interchangeably. I think the part she objected to was "my". Maybe I should have said "the".

clee321
It is always easier to edit than it is to create

PeaNut 161,211
August 2004
Posts: 9,670
Layouts: 10
Loc: Land of Mold and Pollen

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:47:59 AM

I'm not even sure which word I used. I've always heard grandchild, grandson, granddaughter or grandbaby used interchangeably. I think the part she objected to was "my". Maybe I should have said "the


Were you otherwise close to your DIL? I don't understand her objection but I do know pregnancy hormones seem to change some people.

I have a current friendship which is very broken due to how my friend has been in her pregnancy.

I am trying to wait out the pregnancy and hormones to see how this friendship will go.



Uploaded with iPhone client

57suzi
PeaFixture

PeaNut 140,010
April 2004
Posts: 3,156
Layouts: 104
Loc: Pacific Northwest

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:51:00 AM

Were you otherwise close to your DIL? I don't understand her objection but I do know pregnancy hormones seem to change some people.



You're probably right about that, the relationship got very strained after she got pregnant.

MerryMom937
PeaFixture

PeaNut 472,567
June 2010
Posts: 3,775
Layouts: 0

Posted: 5/30/2012 6:56:16 AM

She feels cut out of the birth of her grandson.


I am sorry, but I don't understand the sense of "entitlement" that people feel about someone else's labor and delivery.

The parents decide who is called and when. Period.

I don't get how she (MIL) perceives this as being cut out of the birth of the grandchild.

I don't know how all of our ancestors ever bonded with grandchildren when they were "cut out" of the birth of grandchildren. Heck, until the 1960's and 1970's and 1980's, the FATHERS were not even in the room routinely!!!

All I hear from your MIL (from your post) is that it all about her, what she wants, what she needs...What about respecting the wishes of the parents???

Sorry, but your MIL sounds a little hypersensitive, I sense that this is just the beginning of much drama with her.

--------------------------------------------------------
ETA: Regarding your question, I would invite her to participate as you would have done if the other "L and D drama" didn't happen. I would make no mention of the SIL. If your MIL brings it up, I would just say "Each mother and father makes their own decision about the delivery, this is our decision".

melissa
O-pea-gyn

PeaNut 4
February 1999
Posts: 15,184
Layouts: 228
Loc: NJ

Posted: 5/30/2012 8:09:38 AM
I'm in the "get over it" school of life.

First of all, this was their choice. They wanted those precious moments as a little family. I can thoroughly relate to that. I can also relate to those that want everyone and their brother, cousin, friend, etc there to celebrate ASAP. It is a matter of choice and, frankly, the one carrying the baby for all those weeks gets to make that choice and everyone else needs to respect that.

They did what I would have liked to have done. I did not want people waiting at the hospital. I really did not want anyone around until after it was all done and over. But that was me.

I also understand MIL rivalry. My mom was only around for dd's first 6 years but there was definitely an undertone of rivalry there. MIL was a bit of a nervous Nelly and the baby would as a result. My mom seemed to love nothing more than to demonstrate how well the baby knew her and could be easily soothed by her. But, that's another thread. There are many years ahead and, unfortunately, the MIL in the OP needs to move on past this and forget about it. Period. There are not enough moments in our lives that make holding a grudge or a hurt or personal slight worth it. Especially when you are talking about a baby. How I wish my mom was still here to demonstrate how close she is with my dd! It's all too short. Help her move on.



melissa
O-pea-gyn

PeaNut 4
February 1999
Posts: 15,184
Layouts: 228
Loc: NJ

Posted: 5/30/2012 8:09:41 AM
I'm in the "get over it" school of life.

First of all, this was their choice. They wanted those precious moments as a little family. I can thoroughly relate to that. I can also relate to those that want everyone and their brother, cousin, friend, etc there to celebrate ASAP. It is a matter of choice and, frankly, the one carrying the baby for all those weeks gets to make that choice and everyone else needs to respect that.

They did what I would have liked to have done. I did not want people waiting at the hospital. I really did not want anyone around until after it was all done and over. But that was me.

I also understand MIL rivalry. My mom was only around for dd's first 6 years but there was definitely an undertone of rivalry there. MIL was a bit of a nervous Nelly and the baby would as a result. My mom seemed to love nothing more than to demonstrate how well the baby knew her and could be easily soothed by her. But, that's another thread. There are many years ahead and, unfortunately, the MIL in the OP needs to move on past this and forget about it. Period. There are not enough moments in our lives that make holding a grudge or a hurt or personal slight worth it. Especially when you are talking about a baby. How I wish my mom was still here to demonstrate how close she is with my dd! It's all too short. Help her move on.



OSUBuckeyeFan
When does football season start?

PeaNut 182,623
December 2004
Posts: 7,038
Layouts: 0
Loc: USA

Posted: 5/30/2012 8:21:48 AM
Congrats on your pregnancy! I'd wait until closer to delivery to decide who you want in the delivery room! You may decide to just allow it to be you and DH.

I had my Mom in the delivery room with me and DH. DH is very squeamish and would've preferred to NOT be there at all! He stayed planted at the head of my bed until after our son was born. My mother was an active participant. There was no issue of MIL being there because she was 81 when DS was born and got nauseous just looking at the first ultrasound photo I showed her!

Good luck and I hope you have a happy healthy 9 months!




cmcshari
PEAlicious

PeaNut 552,226
April 2012
Posts: 326
Layouts: 0

Posted: 5/30/2012 8:50:20 AM
Our twins were the first grandchildren born on both sides of the family. Both families were in the waiting room with the scheduled c sect. and also came up to visit while we all were still in the hospital.
We were most happy to include everyone. Only my hubby and I were in the delivery room(actually my hubby was outside that door since the babies were a month early and back then dad's couldn't go in if the mom was knocked out completely. By the next 2 kids, he was allowed in, kids were born in the middle of the night, and grandparents watched the little ones.

Our kids are in their 20's now. We have always tried to include both sets of families to all the special events, activities, etc that our kids have had. They were always given a list of events each semester/season so that they could attend as they could. My parents usually came to almost every single event. The inlaws usually went to 1 per season.
My kids have good relationships with both sets of grandparents but mine tend to spend more time with them and that is who they visit first.

I totally understand you having private time and I wouldn't want anyone else in the delivery room. For that first baby, welcome them to the waiting room etc Foster good feelings.....
be fair to both sets, reassure them that you will include them in many things in that grandbabies life but that occasionally you might want the baby to yourself for a bit(ie-in the delivery room.

Both my mom and MIL were very helpful after the babies were born and believe you me-I needed help as one baby came home and one was in the hospital for 3 weeks.(and then again when we had 4 kids under 4 1/2. Extra hands were always welcome and Grandma's calling to borrow a baby/little kid were even more welcome!!

I have a brother who is 8 years younger-they don't return my mom's calls, they sometimes exclude her from the kids events etc. In fact, little bro will be getting a chat about the way he dished Grandma during prom. She left messages that she would like to drop by and see prom girl in her dress and get a photo. Mind you-they live 1 minute down the street.
They told her the next day that they were too busy with the other parents to call and have her come over. My hubby and I worked the prom-went in to take the coronation photos, only to find out the school did it early, AND my niece was not only on the court but was the flipping QUEEN. Their family didn't bother to tell us anything.......but SIL asked in a message a few days later to see if we had any pics. We grabbed her kid and got a pic with her in the crown with her date and sent her home with free pics. I told her sorry, we would have loved to have pics but no one told us she was on the court.........
It's crap like that that really causes hard feelings and could have been solved with 1 phone call and 1 message.
Sorry-didn't mean to vent here but feelings are important to everyone and a little communication goes a LONG WAY!
Good luck and congrats.
Someday you will be a MIL.

momofkandn
PeaAddict

PeaNut 159,041
July 2004
Posts: 1,079
Layouts: 0
Loc: Maryland

Posted: 5/30/2012 8:55:50 AM
I'm also in the camp of get over it. I never understand in these threads why the MIL feels slighted if they aren't there for the birth or in the hospital or called after its over. Who cares when you find out and where you are when it happens. The child will be your grandchild for a long time and will have absolutely no recollection of who was there the first day.

In my opinion, the birth is about the mom not the baby. She gets to decide who's there and who isn't. If she wants her own mom, sister, best friend or the neighbor there, then so be it. It's a major medical event in her life. She gets to decide who she wants around. And I certainly wouldn't feel slighted or hurt if I wasn't one of those people. My SIL's have had babies, my friends have had babies, I never felt hurt that they didn't ask me to be there. I found out one of my nieces was born by FaceBook. Again, I didn't care in the slightest that I didn't receive a phone call. I remember when my first was born I was tired and emotional and only thinking of my baby. I was not thinking of who should be called let alone making sure people were informed by rank or some such nonsense.

OP, I'll reiterate what some PP's have said, your MIL needs to get over this and not take it personally. Also, don't make any promises now. Wait until the birth is closer. Don't base your decision on a sense of obligation. Decide what's best for you without worrying about what your SIL did or your MIL's reaction.

Dalai Mama
La Pea Boheme

PeaNut 49,641
September 2002
Posts: 26,337
Layouts: 85
Loc: Drunk on the lawn in a nuclear dawn

Posted: 5/30/2012 9:29:19 AM
While I'm a firm believer that the parents get to decide who is (and is not) with them during the birth of the baby, I would never dream of not bothering to inform my inlaws of the birth until 4 hours after the fact. IMO, that's really sh!tty.


Jo Mama

***********************************

Gotta kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight. - Bruce Cockburn

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams


sugarcoated
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 140,176
April 2004
Posts: 2,259
Layouts: 0
Loc: At Work

Posted: 5/30/2012 9:44:27 AM
i'm wondering if some of you aren't overthinking what the MIL may have intended. There are family waiting rooms and being in one can be enough. Not everyone wants or expects to be in the actual delivery room.

My MIL popped into the delivery room and said hello, hugged DH and me both and then left to go wait in the waiting room with other family members - including my mom. DH and I were alone other than that. After our child was born, at some point, he stepped out and made the announcement to those waiting.

FWIW, anytime anyone in our family is in the hospital for any reason, people show up and wait it out...not necessarily in the room, but in a waiting room. It's one of those "how we roll" things. We don't clog up waiting rooms, we visit in shifts, we sit quietly and unobtrusively and just wait or run errands for the patient or the person closest to the patient. For instance, someone brought a sandwich for my DH. We just don't leave family in the hospital to fret it out themselves, kwim?

So, the OP MIL may have perfectly happy just being in the vicinity with no need to be in the actual delivery room.
1 2 >
Show/Hide Icons . Show/Hide Signatures
Hide
{{ title }}
{{ icon }}
{{ body }}
{{ footer }}