how to handle this friend situation?

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Posted 6/27/2012 by jennifw in NSBR Board
 

jennifw
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 6/27/2012 3:51:50 PM
I have a neighbor down the street who I would consider one of my closest friends. Apparently, she doesn't feel the same way!

Last week, she turned 40. The night before her birthday (Tuesday), there was a situation with her dog getting out. I spent about 45 minutes helping them search. During this time, I asked the DH what they were doing and he said "I rented a boat for dinner tomorrow on a local lake. We are grabbing a pizza and taking the kids out there for the evening."

On her actual birthday (Wednesday), I took a gift over, leaving it with the babysitter. All good, right?

On Sunday, I see pictures on Facebook of a lovely poolside party at a downtown hotel from Saturday night. My neighbor with a bunch of friends, all dressed up, etc. I posted to a mutual friend of how lovely and she said "Oh, we missed you! Too bad you couldn't make it!" Well, I couldn't make it because I wasn't invited!

Mind you, we had a family situation over the past few weeks that has left me pre-occupied and I actually had plans for Saturday night. (One Direction concert with my DD) BUT, I would have thought I would have been invited. Better to invite me and let me decline than hurt my feelings like that, right? Mutual friend said that her DH put the party together and he probably just missed me. (I call BS since I talked to him on Wednesday)

FWIW, I always considered us more friends than neighbors. Our kids play together all of the time, we go out for drinks, have dinner at each others houses, etc. Not just "wave-as-you-drive-by" neighbors.

I am trying not to have hurt feelings, but I do. What do you think and what would you say the next time you saw her?

peaterpumpkineater
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:01:12 PM
Maybe she thought you were too preoccupied with your family situation and didn't want to seem insensitive?

If you just want the friendship to continue on, don't say anything. If you want her to know how hurt you feel badly enough to risk a fight or the end of the friendship, than bring it up.

Didn't you find it odd that the kids were home with a sitter, after what the husband told you the plans were?

If you want to bring it up, just say "Oh I saw your FB photos from your birthday, did you have a fun party?" That will open the door for her to explain without being accusing.

jennifw
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:02:32 PM

Didn't you find it odd that the kids were home with a sitter, after what the husband told you the plans were?



Sorry that wasn't clear. I dropped the gift on her actual birthday (Wednesday) during the day when the sitter was there with her young kids. Not Saturday, the day of the party.

papersilly
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:03:57 PM
i wouldn't say anything to her. like you said, you had plans already and couldn't go anyway. for whatever reason, you weren't invited or they thought you couldn't go (based on the FB comment that someone made). just let it go.



ilovebuble
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:04:08 PM
Did they know about your plans for the night of the party?

SnowWhite.
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:05:44 PM

I asked the DH what they were doing and he said "I rented a boat for dinner tomorrow on a local lake. We are grabbing a pizza and taking the kids out there for the evening."


So do you think her DH lied to you about their plans? Or do you think it's possible he did in fact make those plans and someone else made a plan for a party and just didn't know to invite you?

~dawn

jennifw
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:07:00 PM

Did they know about your plans for the night of the party?


I don't think so, but I don't think it really matters. I guess I am one of those invite-and-let-them-decline people.

I won't say anything to her unless she brings it up.
Thanks.

*Donna*
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:16:19 PM
I wouldn't say anything. I have a friend I've known for almost 20 years.... we used to have get togethers/parties with our spouses and do things together all those years. Now she's messing around with this man that is a sleaze and she won't invite me to any of their things now and he's now her BFF(because he and I do not "gel" together). I don't say anything to him but I think he's just gotten her to not ask me anymore, I don't know. Nice to be dropped for that, huh?

People are weird, rude, thoughtless, whatever. I wouldn't worry over it too much but that does stink .

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt this time, but I do think it's strange if you two are friends.

KittenOnTheKeys
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:16:36 PM

Maybe she thought you were too preoccupied with your family situation and didn't want to seem insensitive?


That is kind of my thought. I'd let this one ride but be on alert for any patterns that may pop up.

revirdsuba
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:24:50 PM
Your children play together all the time: could your DD have mentioned going to the concert that Saturday?

happytobemom
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:32:21 PM
This is practically the same scenario I have experienced more than once.

When my kids were little, I belonged to a neighborhood babysitting co-op (we traded off babysitting each others kids). I considered each one of them close friends. One time, I was asked by several of the women to keep their kids at the same time. Turns out they were all going to the same luncheon for my friend/neighbor to celebrate her 40th birthday. I was stunned I wasn't invited. I was really hurt. And I still don't know why I wasn't invited.

Personally, I would not inquire or let on I was bothered by not being invited. For what ever reason, they left you off the list. Move on as you have to "make nice" with these people for as long as you live there.

Maryland
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Posted: 6/27/2012 4:32:22 PM
I would think that they mistakingly didn't invite you. If someone else was in charge they may have missed your name. I always worry that if I plan sometime I will not invite one of the most likely to be invited people! Or if you were so busy, they may not have wanted to bother you with a party when you were going through something more important. They may have know you had plans and didn't want to make you feel guilty. I wouldn't say anything and see if she brings it up when you see her next.


FLCindy
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Posted: 6/27/2012 5:28:03 PM

Well, I couldn't make it because I wasn't invited!


Darn the failing USPS!



Just T
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Posted: 6/27/2012 5:38:36 PM
I guess I will be one to dissent here and not tell you to just suck it up and move on. I'm sure it really hurt to not be invited. If someone else could see all of their other friends hanging out and having fun at a party they weren't invited to and not be bothered by it...well, they are a stronger more understanding person than I. I have been in situations like that, where every other person from a group was included in something I was not, and yes, it stings and it's hard to NOT wonder why everyone else was invited when you were not.

OP, if I were you, I would find a way to kindly let someone know that you were disappointed to not be invited. Hopefully, it was just an oversight and not done intentionally.

voltagain
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Posted: 6/27/2012 5:45:15 PM
Do you know for sure who the host of the party was? I take it you assume birthdaygirl and hubby were the party hosts but it is possible some other friend of theirs was given the fact the "party" hosted by hubby was the boat/pizza family evening?

Even then, if I know a person has plans for a certain night I don't invite them. They have prior plans. I don't want them to feel they have to cancel something.


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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:01:07 PM
I'd let this one ride but be on alert for any patterns that may pop up.



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nlwilkins
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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:09:16 PM

If someone else could see all of their other friends hanging out and having fun at a party they weren't invited to and not be bothered by it...well, they are a stronger more understanding person than I.


this

It really hurts when these kind of things happen. I am sure you don't have to tell people how much this situation hurt you, the real friends would know. What you need to do now is decide how you want the future of this "friendship" to be. That would determine what you do now. If you value the friendship, you might bring it up with her and perhaps find out how she feels about your friendship.

Ignoring it and hoping for the best would not work as friends should be honest with things that affect their friendship.


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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:10:53 PM
Oh hell, I wouldn't be able to resist, I'd ask

eebud
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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:26:18 PM

I posted to a mutual friend of how lovely and she said "Oh, we missed you! Too bad you couldn't make it!" Well, I couldn't make it because I wasn't invited!

I would have said "I wasn't invited".






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SuPeaNatural
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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:35:53 PM
I agree, it's hurtful to be excluded, especially when it's someone you think of as a close friend. And it does make you wonder about the closeness of the friendship, especially when the pool party must have been booked a few weeks ahead and she apparently didn't mention it to you during that time.

If you can't ask her straight out, add an extra comment on FB - "I wasn't there because I wasn't invited - didn't know anything about it", then wait to see what the she says. Hopefully it was just because she knew you couldn't come, and she will sort it out with you.



Planet
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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:38:13 PM

Your children play together all the time: could your DD have mentioned going to the concert that Saturday?


Thats what I'm thinking too. Maybe one of your neighbors kids mentioned to your child that they were planning a party for their Mom sat night. And your kid said "oh we're doing XXX sat night" and your friends DH figured that you couldnt come! Ya never know!
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recap.pea
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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:43:36 PM
Perhaps she knew you were going to the concert Saturday and therefore knew you had plans already.

I'm sorry about that - it can be hurtful. That happened to me before - saw a bunch of my church friends at someone's milestone b-day party (photos on F and I wasn't invited. It was really was hurtful.

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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:56:59 PM
Don't make assumptions.

If not being included makes a difference to you and how you feel about your friendship just ask her. If it was an oversight on her husbands part in planning a surprise party how can you hold that against her. She may not know you were not invited.

On the other hand if she does know that no invite was given then maybe it's time to reassess if this friendship is one sided.

Good luck, it's a hard call either way.

joyfulitl
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Posted: 6/27/2012 6:59:25 PM
If you don't ask, you won't know for sure. You might not hear what you want to hear, but you'll be able to deal with the facts as they may be.

Otherwise, you'll always second guess things with this neighbor, and the relationship will be damaged from your end to some degree.

HUGS- tough, hurtful situation.

Joy


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Posted: 6/27/2012 7:09:15 PM
Maybe there was a limit on how many people could be on the boat and they already had invited the limit?

slkone
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Posted: 6/27/2012 7:17:05 PM

If someone else could see all of their other friends hanging out and having fun at a party they weren't invited to and not be bothered by it...well, they are a stronger more understanding person than I.


I agree. I've had this happen to me before and when I expressed that I was hurt I was labeled a drama queen and self-centered. Needless to say, I am not longer friends with those people.

OP. I'm sorry that happened. I would like to assume, for your sake, that they knew you had plans with your DD, but I understand that you'd rather have the option to decline and not have them make the decision for you...


Stacey

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Posted: 6/27/2012 7:28:23 PM

I don't think so, but I don't think it really matters. I guess I am one of those invite-and-let-them-decline people.


I agree. I never like when people make decisions for me or make assumptions. I hear people say things like this a lot and I wonder why they think they know or what they're trying to get away with. I don't decide for other people. You just never know and it's better to not hurt feelings.

Depends who was doing the paying, the inviting. Maybe it was just a certain group of friends? Who knows. I'm sorry you felt left out.


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Deena714
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Posted: 6/27/2012 8:31:42 PM

Don't make assumptions.

If not being included makes a difference to you and how you feel about your friendship just ask her. If it was an oversight on her husbands part in planning a surprise party how can you hold that against her. She may not know you were not invited.

On the other hand if she does know that no invite was given then maybe it's time to reassess if this friendship is one sided.

Good luck, it's a hard call either way.


Same. If it was going to affect the friendship, I would ask her. Just be upfront and honest. Don't accuse, just say "I felt hurt when I saw the photos from your party. I never got an invite. I really hope that wasn't intentional." Chances are she knew you had plans. But you won't know unless you ask.


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writermom1
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Posted: 6/27/2012 9:43:38 PM

Maybe she thought you were too preoccupied with your family situation and didn't want to seem insensitive?



That is kind of my thought. I'd let this one ride but be on alert for any patterns that may pop up.


I agree.

I'm a "delighted to be invited" person who likes to be invited even if you know I'm busy, and I'll do the same for you. Plans change and/or just wanted you to know we thought of you.

I see others feel differently. Neither is "wrong" just different. Maybe your friends are the "we know she has plans/is busy" type.

The fact that other friends mentioned it to you tells me it probably was an "Oh OP? She's got plans tonight, so sorry she couldn't make it" thing. I would be hurt like you feel, then I'd try and talk myself out of it.




*Angela
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Posted: 6/27/2012 11:21:26 PM
The next time our paths crossed, I'd simply mention seeing the party photos & express she looked like she had a fun celebration. If she questions/notes your absence (which would likely indicate she thinks her husband invited you), you could state you & your daughter attended the concert that night & start talking about it to change the subject. If she mentions that she has since learned - from her husband or a mutual friend - that you weren't invited, she may offer an explanation &/or apologize.

Regardless her reaction, I would NOT mention & certainly would NOT demand an explanation for not receiving an invite! IMHO everyone can celebrate her birthday however & with whomever she chooses.

Either your lack of an invitation was an oversight OR she/her husband don't consider you one of her 10 (20, 30, or however many were invited) closest friends. Neither means that you're not friends, just that you weren't invited to one party on one night when you already had plans. You can now choose whether to invest in building the friendship or limit contact to just neighbors due to hurt feelings over this event.

3kidmama
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Posted: 6/27/2012 11:26:21 PM
Last summer we held a big surprise party for my dh. It was CRAZY how hard my daughters and I worked to MAKE SURE we didn't accidentally forget to invite someone. Until he returned to grad school, dh was the minister at a little church - so we are blessed to have many close friends that would attend his birthday party!

I honestly had nightmares - exactly because that I knew someone could easily feel like the OP does. I prayed a lot and ended up inviting many that "I" considered more-acquaintances-that-close-friends, but knew they very well may have felt close since dh had been their pastor. As a result I ended up sending out 65 handmade invites! LOL

Fortunately, we made it an informal open house b-day party - stop by to visit and have desert - no gifts please. It went off great - as far as I know.

I still wonder if I accidentally might have missed someone on that invite list. No one has mentioned anything, but who knows what feelings might have unintentionally hurt in spite of our best efforts.

LisaEDesign
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Posted: 6/28/2012 8:26:13 AM
This is one of the reasons I hate Facebook. Yeah, I know that is shooting the messenger but I still hate finding out stuff that I didn't need thrown in my face. Anyway...

Was this a surprise party? If so, she didn't get to pick her attendees. For my 40th, my mother contacted a friend - who I wasn't all that close to anymore - for assistance with the guest list. There were people there I would never have picked on my own and people left off I'd like to have invited if given the opportunity.

I agree to make this a 'watch and see' and not let it kill your friendship by itself.


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Annabella
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Posted: 6/28/2012 9:08:31 AM
I disagree with everyone who said they knew the OP was busy. When she asked her husband what they were doing he should have said "aren't you coming or hope to see you there or didn't you get the invite". That would have clued him in if he forgot to invite her.

Sorry you're not as close as you thought and you just have to move on. Don't invite her to anything ever again.

Sorry this happened to you!




slkone
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Posted: 6/28/2012 10:06:51 AM

IMHO everyone can celebrate her birthday however & with whomever she chooses.


This is true. But it is hurtful when you realize that you aren't as much a priority to someone as they are to you.

Not saying anything at all isn't going to help any. I know if I were the OP, I'd drive myself crazy because I don't handle rejection well. If there was no rejection and just a misunderstanding, I'd feel relieved and "on equal footing" again in the friendship.


Stacey

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Posted: 6/28/2012 10:15:36 AM
I know so many responses have said to suck it up and go on with life and your friendship. I'd like to think I could do that but know it wouldn't happen. I'd feel hurt, pissy, and miffed. My relationship with her would likely be forever changed. If she asked why I'd probably respond with "Oh, I don't know, maybe something about that birthday party you had that I wasn't invited to".

Just T
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Posted: 6/28/2012 10:19:11 AM

Regardless her reaction, I would NOT mention & certainly would NOT demand an explanation for not receiving an invite! IMHO everyone can celebrate her birthday however & with whomever she chooses.



Yes, they certainly can. But can you honestly say that if someone you consider one of your closest friends (which is how the OP described this person) that you wouldn't be hurt to not be invited to a big birthday party?

I would never demand an explanation, but I would definately have my feelings hurt.

Just T
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Posted: 6/28/2012 10:22:04 AM

Regardless her reaction, I would NOT mention & certainly would NOT demand an explanation for not receiving an invite! IMHO everyone can celebrate her birthday however & with whomever she chooses.



Yes, they certainly can. But can you honestly say that if someone you consider one of your closest friends (which is how the OP described this person) that you wouldn't be hurt to not be invited to a big birthday party?

I would never demand an explanation, but I would definately have my feelings hurt.

MerryMom937
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Posted: 6/28/2012 10:28:24 AM
You're upset that you weren't invited to attend a party that you couldn't have attended anyways????


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Posted: 6/28/2012 10:36:36 AM
^^^^ Um YES. I would be hurt too.

OP, I had this happen to me. It wasn't even FB. It was my friend's blog that she knew I read. She posted all these pictures of the party she had for her boyfriend's birthday. I was really hurt to not be invited. I did ask her about it. She played it off like it was nothing (Oh we only invited people we see more often since they live closer and you are an hour away blah blah blah)

Yep, invited people they barely knew and didn't invite me, whom she'd known since high school.

I took her at her word but it was part of a pattern and so, we are not friends any more. I'll spare you the details but it was hurtful and made me angry for a long time.



jennifw
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Posted: 6/28/2012 11:14:26 AM

You're upset that you weren't invited to attend a party that you couldn't have attended anyways????



Yes. Had I been invited, I would have tried to make it work. To ME, she is the kind of friend that you make crazy arrangements for - go to the party early, go after my other event, whatever. Apparently, I am not that kind of friend to HER and it hurts.

lisabb
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Posted: 6/28/2012 12:52:49 PM
Do you both have all the same friends, or only a few mutual friends. It's possible she planned this with a different circle of friends.

I know sometimes I will invite one group of friends to things, other times a different group, and sometimes a mixture of groups.

Does she know you see her as one of your best friends? I know you say you go out for drinks etc, but is this all the time or sometimes? If she has a large circle of friends and you have a closer circle, she may not even realise how close you think you two are.


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