How long should it take to get over a 3 month relationship?

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Posted 9/2/2012 by tampascrapper in NSBR Board
 

tampascrapper
trying to find my bliss. . . have you seen it?!?!?

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Posted: 9/2/2012 6:43:00 PM
It has been 2 months since the relationship ended and I'm still not over it. Not even necessarily him but how I felt. I was truly madly in love. Happier than I've been in years. I can't seem to move on

Stupid I know.


Margie

BelleMagic
PeaFixture

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Posted: 9/2/2012 6:48:24 PM
Not stupid at all (( hugs)) I really don't think you can put a time frame on a loss felt so deep. Take care.

voltagain
OklaPhoma

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Posted: 9/2/2012 6:48:33 PM
When I was going through my divorce my therapist said the **average** time to get "over" are relationship and back to a "normal" is half the length of the relationship.

But keep in mind that is an average. To have an average it means there are people who get over it faster and those who take longer. The main thing to be looking for is: are you making progress in getting back to a sense of normal?

It sounds like you may be over **him** so in one sense you are over the relationship. But you aren't over enjoying the feelings of being newly in love.


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**cindyupnorth**
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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:04:27 PM
So the relationship was only for 3 months? ah...I'd say..maybe a few mo's..but I don't think it should last too long..otherwise that sounds a bit...obcessive?






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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:08:02 PM
Why did you guys break up? Sorry you're hurting.


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BergdorfBlonde
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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:10:35 PM
So sorry you're going thru this. It takes some time to get over people who wormed their way into your heart. On the bright side, just when I swore off of love, I met my current DH.









tampascrapper
trying to find my bliss. . . have you seen it?!?!?

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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:11:59 PM

you aren't over enjoying the feelings of being newly in love.


^^ I think this is really what it is. I miss being in love


Margie

NativeNewYorker
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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:13:29 PM
I'm sorry that you're hurting. Let yourself grieve the relationship and the feelings it brought to you.


Staci
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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:16:11 PM
I was going to say what Volt said.

The therapist I saw before and during my divorce said to expect half the length of the relationship for grieving.

Don't put a time limit on your grief. Be kind to yourself, keep on living, and healing will happen in it's own time.

I'm sorry you're hurting.



pelirroja
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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:19:37 PM
I've heard half the time of the length of the relationship, too. Everybody grieves differently so it's really hard to say. And if you were the one on the receiving end of the breakup, then he had time to plan, adjust, and get used to the idea of ending it while you might have felt blindsided.

Take good care of yourself, treat yourself gently, and in the meantime grab a Greg Behrendt book (I'd recommend "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" ). That silly little book has all the advice I would have given my younger self if I could have seen the forest from the trees.

It's an entertaining read and will help you see things in a better, healthier light. In the scheme of things, three months is not really a long time even if your hopes and dreams have been shattered. Better to find out early, rather than wasting years. You might not ever think of this in a positive light but something wonderful is waiting to happen and you'll see it after you dust yourself off and pick yourself back up again. Maybe you're not ready to start to recover right now, but someday you will, I promise.

And, seriously, get the book. It's a funny read about such an unfunny subject. You'll recognize it by the empty ice cream container on the cover. ((hugs))


Pelly





TREZmom
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Posted: 9/2/2012 7:51:42 PM
It's not stupid at all. Before I met DH, all my relationships were around 3 months long. I usually knew within that timeframe, if it was going to work out or not.

As for getting over it, for some guys it took a really long time to get over the breakup. For other guys, I was over it immediately. Even people you've known for a really short time can have a huge impact on your life.

Take care of yourself. Heartbreak has it's own timetable.

tampascrapper
trying to find my bliss. . . have you seen it?!?!?

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Posted: 9/2/2012 8:04:24 PM
Thanks ladies. Your replies make me feel better about not being over it yet. I'm off to check out the book that was suggested.


Margie

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Posted: 9/2/2012 10:48:15 PM
I would not spend 2/3 of the length of a relationship getting over one. Have you considered therapy?

And I would step back and consider how madly in love you could be in just three months.

I knew the day I met my husband I was going to marry him, but I don't know if 'madly in love' would fit us at 3 months. That seems awfully fast.

Counseling would be my best advice to you!!



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daisyemm
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Posted: 9/2/2012 11:16:44 PM
I agree with the Pea that said not to worry too much about the amount of time as long as you're moving slowly... I had a horrible time after my last break up - definitely did not adhere to the 'half the length of the relationship' rule In my case the relationship was long distance and it was hard to get all the little habits out of my life - checking email at certain odd times because of the time difference for example... So much of the relationship was carried around in my head/heart and it took a lot longer to clear that out than it would've taken to empty his side of a closet...lol Don't let yourself get stuck in the past, but if you can take some time to learn from it and really heal/get to a better place then don't feel bad about taking a bit longer than average either ((hugs))



Guatemama
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Posted: 9/2/2012 11:38:45 PM
I'm sorry you're hurting, Margie. I think comparing timeframes to get over heartache and loss isn't particularly useful because each of our experiences are unique in their own ways.

Have you been having longer periods of not feeling as sad? I hope so, and that those periods continue to grow. Be patient with yourself. Might it help you to find a new experience to fill the emptiness a little - a new hobby, volunteering, scheduling outings with friends or family etc.?

Hugs,
Carol


mirabelleswalker
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Posted: 9/2/2012 11:50:33 PM
Have you experienced a lot of loss in your life? I tend to think that the more loss you have in your past, the harder it can be to move on.

It sounds like you have a good handle on knowing that you miss the feelings more than you miss the person. That kind of clarity should be helpful. Do lots of things that make you feel great! And remember that doing those things and finding that kind of happiness are what will make you attractive to someone new.

Be kind to yourself. There isn't going to be a grade on how well you did or didn't do this.



oh yvonne
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Posted: 9/3/2012 12:08:00 AM

And I would step back and consider how madly in love you could be in just three months.


By three months I was utterly, madly in love with my DH. That's not too short of time to know that at all.

I'm sorry you are hurting, Margie. Heartbreak really, really sucks. It will get better, I promise. In the meantime, don't be too hard on yourself for being sad. Get some help if you need it, but it's perfectly normal to feel sad, even if it was 'only' three months.


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peapermint
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Posted: 9/3/2012 12:08:59 AM
I would just say that it's different for everyone, and what I'm about to say is probably not the healthiest way to go about things, but for me a great way to get over a prior relationship has been to have a new one

magenta
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Posted: 9/3/2012 12:46:53 AM
I read somewhere that it's not the amount of time after a break up that determines when you get over someone, but what you DO with that time. After the end of one of my relationships I did the stupidest thing anyone could ever do: I wallowed in my misery and lamented over every little detail about what I did wrong. I fantisized about getting back together. I played the "if only" game and plotted out ways to rekindle our romance. I isolated myself from everyone because I didn't feel like anyone could help me.

This went on for ages. If I had just kept busy and not spent so much time by myself, my "recovery" time would have been short and less painful. I think about how much time and effort I wasted and I'm ashamed of myself.

But I learned from that horrible experience and pass on this knowledge and save someone else from a lot of needless heartache. Don't put yourself on a time limit, but don't remain stagnant either. Try not to dwell on the past relationship. Occupy yourself with other thoughts and keep busy. Force yourself if you have to, and even consider therapy if necessary. Good luck!


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tampascrapper
trying to find my bliss. . . have you seen it?!?!?

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Posted: 9/3/2012 12:46:58 AM
Yes I am making progress and have longer and longer periods when I am just fine and not thinking about what was. Tonight was just a bad night.


Margie

sunny_day
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Posted: 9/3/2012 7:35:56 AM
"In love" can take a very long time to get over.

I suggest reading about limerence, which is probably what you are going through. Just google it and you'll see a bunch of stuff.

The bottom line about limerence is that hope and uncertainty about another person's feelings toward you can lead to a type of drugged state in your brain. It's a cycle that leads to an intense need to have the other person feel the same way that you do.

"In love" is a cocktail of chemicals going on in your brain and it's a state of mind that some people cannot even experience. About half of the population is capable of "falling in love" and the other half is not.

So when people talk about love, they are often not even talking about the same thing. There will be a lot of people who will not even be able to understand what you are going through, because they've never experienced it and are thinking of love in an entirely different fashion. A much more realistic and reasonable fashion. A lot of people are only capable of understanding a more rational type of love.

How to get over it? Research says that there are three ways. The first is reciprocation which can lead to a more mature love. The second is transference, you fall in love with someone else. And the third is time. And that is different for everyone. It does help if the person was very straightforward with you when the relationship ended. If they left any room for hope and uncertainty, then it is much harder.

I have felt your pain in my life and it's a tough one to handle. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

2peafaithful
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Posted: 9/3/2012 7:50:11 AM
I am sorry! I hope your heart heals soon. When I was single I liked a guy (never even dated him but we were friends) and he wasn't interested in me (more than a friendship) and it took me a while to get over him Then one day it hit me. Why would I give my heart to someone who didn't want it? I knew the man that loved me would know it and even though he would be strong and capable enough of living on his own that he wouldn't want to live without me and would pursue me, fight for me (and for us) and hold my heart in a treasured place. Take the time to grieve lost love but when you can move on so that you have your whole heart for next time and it isn't checked out to someone who isn't interested in holding it. You are worth it. This relationship and guy must have been great but trust that if it was meant to be you both would have known that and that God has something even better for you. Someday you will look back and be so glad this didn't work out. I know that sounds crazy but it is true! Take care!
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