I know, I'm anon...but a WWTPD question.

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Posted 10/2/2012 by Annoyedanonymous in NSBR Board
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recap.pea
AncestralPea

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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:44:29 PM

I think I'm just going to have child apologize, and try to move on. If anything else happens I will sever the carpool relationship.

I think that is the best idea - good luck.

_Vanessa_
AlienGreenPea

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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:51:16 PM
I would have my child apologize for the disrespect and would *demand* lol an apology in return for asking him to sit in the backseat and not participate in anything for an hour.
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Gagemom
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Posted: 10/2/2012 8:52:57 PM
It happens. That's life with kids and people. I wouldn't sweat it. It is annoying. But you are probably going to either run into her again in the future with school stuff or the community, it isn't worth it. It's hard when your kiddos are involved but better in the long run. Good luck.

scrappinghappy
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Posted: 10/2/2012 9:23:52 PM
If that's his seat and that's where he'll be for the rest of the year, sitting with nothing to do - boy I'd drop that carpool right now.

BTDT and don't regret it for a minute.

Maizie
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Posted: 10/2/2012 9:41:41 PM
Well, the child went against the rules of the adult in charge... in my mind, yes that is disrespectful!!!

In this case a couple of things come to mind -- either she is establishing boundaries now for the year (which I get). She is not as mad as you are writing or it her communication of it/your comprehension of it is different from each other. She is second guessing the carpooling scenario and creating a lead to an out.

Either way, your child was disprespectful. Over the top, crazy -- probably not. An apology is owed. A discussion should happen. Contact to let the other mom know should be done. End of story. Just move on.

sweetandsour
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Posted: 10/2/2012 10:43:31 PM

The woman is a loose canon and a nut. She will let kids put their limbs out the window which is quite dangerous but freaks when your child takes out the ds? I agree your child disrespected her by playing the ds but the mothers reaction was over the top crazy. I would not be participating in a car pool with someone who reacts way over the top.


+1

Frankly, I would be embarrassed if my children was playing this waving game - yes, let's distract Mom and the other drivers on the road! How safe! I'd rather a child quietly play his DS and not be a safety hazard.

This uptight mom has got her priorities waaaaay mixed up.

If it was me, I'd call the school with a complaint that some of their students were dangerously sticking their arms out the window - how will she feel when she gets a call about her precious little angels who have blessed this school with their always perfect behavior? She needs a reality check.
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beachgurl
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Posted: 10/2/2012 10:46:26 PM
It's ok to for passengers to make a game out of distracting other drivers? That alone would have me keeping my eye open to other possibilities. Just doesn't sound like good judgement from an adult who I am trusting to keep my child safe.


lucyg819
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Posted: 10/2/2012 10:58:27 PM
When someone else's child does something you told her not to do that is not dangerous nor overtly disrespectful (and no, I don't call quietly playing DS in the far back seat disrespectful, even if it's against the rules) what you do about it is you tell her to stop.

You don't go batshit crazy.

I'd get the heck out of that carpool ASAP. My kids commuted an hour in the mornings to private high school and carpooled with another kid from our town. I know how hard it is. But subjecting your child to a BSC mom who dislikes her for an hour each day is enough to sour her on the school for good.

leftturnonly
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Posted: 10/2/2012 11:02:13 PM
Late to the thread.....

Your kid didn't follow her rules and you disciplined your child. Done deal.


But that is one heck of a boring 2 hours every day for your kid. Even if your child was by a window, a waving game would entertain an 11 year old for how long? And this child has to do this every day?

The mother's response seems so odd. What the heck did she expect your child to do? It just doesn't sit well with me either.



If you need to continue the carpools with this other parent, I'd start taking my child to the library. Frequently. And if you stop carpooling, the library is still a great place.


On a side note...... I'll never understand why people care if someone posts anonymously or not. This particular thread is hardly something worth hassling you over for being anonymous.



ScrapbookBabe
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Posted: 10/3/2012 12:13:58 AM
Seriously this woman is CRAZY. I would not want my child anywhere near this woman.

anniebygaslight
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Posted: 10/3/2012 12:57:06 AM
You child did a foolish thing at at 11 she isn't a baby for whom excuses should be made.

She should apologise and you should impose home sanctions.

However, I would keep your eyes and ears open from now on re the car pooling relationship .... oh, and next time the other child is a little snot, call her mother and let her know about it.

GenieV
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Posted: 10/3/2012 1:02:53 AM
I'm going with unhinged.

Sure, your child was wrong. I agree with taking the DS and the apology, but I'd be right there with child when it happened.

Then I'd distance myself from the loon. If she gets that weird about something that "mild" in the grand scheme of things, I'd be afraid what she'd do if your kid ever did anything she'd consider *really* horrible. I wouldn't want my child around her anymore.

Wow.

Genie

ETA: I read the OP again and I hadn't gotten the part about how long a drive that child has to sit through. I can't imagine what's wrong with playing a ds when you're not bothering anyone. I guess she'd rather there was yet another pair of arms waving out the window instead.

Ditch her.

rcarpen
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Posted: 10/3/2012 1:06:46 AM
I consider it as 2 different incidents. I think it's great that you addressing it with your daughter. However, the mother's reaction seems over the top to me. I do not believe she has your child's best interest at heart. The comment about having to stop carpooling, when she has the person who suggested the carpooling, would not sit well with me. I would be polite, but make a change on the carpool situation. Good luck!

miominmio
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Posted: 10/3/2012 1:41:26 AM
She seems totally unhinged, and no way would my child be anywhere near her n the future. There is no way I would make my child apologize to her, I would tell her that I had disciplined my child in a way that I saw fit, and that I would never, out of concern for my child's safety, let her anywhere near that woman again. But I'm pms'ing, so rhat might cloud my judgement.

pmk1977
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Posted: 10/3/2012 1:45:30 AM
I'm with the majority of the other posters - she sounds like she has over reacted to a situation that it was unnecessary to! I agree your child should have followed the rules, but they were bored and excluded from the game so, while not condoning what they did, I can understand it.

I think I'd do exactly as you are - child apologises, sanction given (ds taken for a while) and hopefully move on with no more incidents!

Ugh, I had no idea before I had kids that there are so many situations like this which are just designed to irritate!

gar
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Posted: 10/3/2012 2:50:52 AM

she home schools her other kids and she cannot have bad influences on them.



Then they're going to have to live very sheltered lives

Yeah...she's mad as a box of frogs. Once yuor child has apologised I'd have a talk with the mother and point out that an hour is a long time to sit doing nothing (when child cannot be included in the waving game) and see what she says.

Ideally find another carpooler because yes, I'd be concerned about letting ym child have such a long drive with someone I didn't know.


colscraps
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:38:33 AM
Honestly,I would not put my child through that unpleasant journey a few times a week.

alittleintrepid
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Posted: 10/3/2012 3:49:15 AM
Just curious, is this the first time the other parent has placed a child in a brick and mortar classrooom? I can see how driving for 3.5 hours a day might throw you off if you are used to homeschooling.

That said, I'd be considering my options. If you pull your child out of the arrangement,there is a strong message that you endorse the behaviour even though you've made the child appologize.

But.... then.... what a thing to get boiling mad about. I think the term "disrespectful" is way over the top for the incident. As was her urgent text. Yes, he/she disobeyed. In an ideal world, he/she would appologize and it will be over with.

LunchBox
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Posted: 10/3/2012 4:12:55 AM
I'd tell her to sod off. Not in front of your child of course.

Disrespectful, yes although I don't agree with the rule. Extremely disrespectful...no.

I can tell you now that she has a lecture ready for when your child apologises.

gotcreativity
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Posted: 10/3/2012 4:13:09 AM
I feel bad for your child
I would end the carpool immediately. Who needs that kind of nonsense?
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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 10/3/2012 4:54:43 AM
An HOUR drive to get to school? Nope - not happening - must be an fantastic school for you to agree to this one

Child snuck a game into backpack - why for the drive or for school? Problem #2

Her car, her rules - suck it up.

She did go a little off the deep end, I'd think twice about this carpool relationship, no matter what time or money it may save

If you want to continue carpooling, have the kid apologize & keep your moth shut

Really Red
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Posted: 10/3/2012 5:12:26 AM
Wow. Just wow.

Mom was all sorts of wrong and bent out of shape about it. I am shocked that no one called the tattletale out. Seriously, if I were ready to drop the carpool, I'd mention to the mom about that tattletale and how ugly it is.

I would seriously worry about a parent that bent out of shape about something like that. Maybe something to mention to you and maybe even to be annoyed about, but that annoyed? Crazy. Seriously crazy.

Plus, what the heck is your child supposed to do for one hour in the car? I would establish a new rule where he gets to use his DS when he sits in the back seat.

But in the end, an apology is necessary if you want to continue the carpool. So sorry.

melissa
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Posted: 10/3/2012 5:20:45 AM
This woman reminds me of a homeschooling mom I know, except I don't think she would have been quite as over the top on the reaction.

Is reading permitted in the car? (With someone like this, one would have to ask!). I'd make sure my 11 yo had a book to read for pleasure in their backpack for trips in this woman's car. And, as you said, I would be ready to discontinue to arrangement if anything else occurs.

gypsyz3
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Posted: 10/3/2012 5:41:21 AM
I don't allow electronic devices in the car because we found out the hard way that playing ds in the car makes one of my boys carsick. I don't want a car ride of complaining how its not fair. I also don't want to clean up puke, so no video games it is. If your kid still played with his ds after I already told him not to, I would have been upset. My car, my rules. Now, I would have gone about it differently and told you factually what happened. I would have explained my reasons. Then I would just hope that you as the other mom would be more vigilant about your child not bringing his ds. That would have been the end of the conversation. If it was a recurring problem, then I would address it again.




Ms. Liz
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Posted: 10/3/2012 8:01:55 AM

My child (after discussing this) was crying and said ms. So and so hates me now. She'll tell ____not to play with me anymore.


Could you tell whether this was a delayed reaction to the scolding by the other mom, or was it in reaction to the follow up with you? In other words, had your son already decided that the other mom didn't like him before he had spoken with you, or only afterward when you told him about the call?

I guess I'd want to know if she was over the top with her words to your son or only with her words to you. That would make my decision for me about whether to continue with the arrangement. How did she handle it with your son? Was she civil, polite, gentle, sane.?

I agree with the poster who suggested he should bring a book to read. The car sounds noisy though with all the children jumping around and waving, so I don't know if it would even be possible. What's her problem with the ds in the car anyway? If you find out, would you come back and tell us?


sweetandsour
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Posted: 10/3/2012 8:05:16 AM
Another poster made a good point. This over-the-top mom is probably going to make your child make a grand apology in front of everyone to make an example out of her. Uh-uh. I would insist that the apology be made to the person only "because that is your practice to remedy the damage to the affected individual and this way it is more sincere" etc and say no to the public embarrassment that OTT mom wants to unleash.

At the same time, I would ask that her kids not make your child feel unsafe by sticking their arms out the window. Maybe demand an apology for that. HEH. Police officers have pulled cars over for that (personal experience - my brother got talked to for sticking his arm out the window when we were kids).

My kids take a school bus to school. Once in a while a kid will sneak a DS to school and play it on the bus. No one has ever been disciplined for this. However, kids have been disciplined (1st incident) and also suspended (2nd and subsequent incidents) for putting their hands out the windows.

edited to add: OP, if you can spring for the extra gas $ and time to take you child to school, I would do it. My DS is also 11 but he is a quiet child who doesn't talk much with others around. (also, his sister is very chatty and he can't get a word in, LOL) But when it's just him and me in the car, he's very chatty and I enjoy talking with him and spending that time together.
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Lenos
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Posted: 10/3/2012 8:07:58 AM

That Mom is a crazy. My kids would NOT be in the car with her again!


This. She sounds like a complete nutbar. Frankly, I'd be more worried about exposing my kid to her craziness, than anything else that happened.

Dalai Mama
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Posted: 10/3/2012 8:27:08 AM

In this case a couple of things come to mind -- either she is establishing boundaries now for the year (which I get). She is not as mad as you are writing or it her communication of it/your comprehension of it is different from each other. She is second guessing the carpooling scenario and creating a lead to an out.
OR, she's crazy. I'm going with crazy.

giatocj
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Posted: 10/3/2012 8:28:17 AM
An hour's drive to school? There is no way I'd put my kid in this situation again...that's a long ride to be with someone who sounds like such a lunatic.

Saving gas money wouldn't be worth my child's well being and sanity. Driving all that way under crazy circumstances would make for a very bad day at school, I would think.

pelirroja
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Posted: 10/3/2012 8:34:08 AM
"Sod off": love it! Thanks LunchBox for a new way to say it without cussing!

I'm guessing there's a problem other than the Nintendo going on here and the Nintendo issue pushed the other Mom over the edge (I also think she might easily be pushed over the edge). Was the other Mom thinking, it's just one more thing, and she snapped?

No doubt other Mom over-reacted but your kid did break a rule. 11 years old is too old to be helicoptering that closely IMHO. Ultimately, it's her car, her house = her rules. You're at her mercy as she's the one providing transport: you didn't say whether or not you reimburse or reciprocate with other Mom. After your kid apologizes, I'd ask the Mom if there's any other issues that need to be addressed. With you, her, and your kid there all together you might be able to straighten out stuff before it comes to a head again.

I'd also be considering transportation alternatives. Do you really want your kid having to rely on her and deal with her moods or whatever her problem is? I wouldn't.

Shih Tzu Mommy
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Posted: 10/3/2012 8:44:34 AM

So the mom called me today saying that she was "boiling mad and so disrespected" and that if said child modeled inappropriate behavior again we'd have to stop carpooling. ???
You don't need someone in your life like this and more importantly, your child does not need someone like this in their life.

I'd tell her to seek therapy!

smilesnpeacesigns
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Posted: 10/3/2012 9:24:57 AM
I'd be worried about the lady bringing it up again. You know being nasty to my kid or using him as a bad example that sort of thing.

annecards
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Posted: 10/3/2012 9:42:56 AM
Sounds like there was more going on here. I would immediately pull my child out of the carpool. This lady clearly had anger issues.
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Posted: 10/3/2012 9:51:17 AM

She sounds like a complete nutbar. Frankly, I'd be more worried about exposing my kid to her craziness, than anything else that happened.


Completely agree!!

The part that gets me is this:


She also said that her children cannot be around children that are this deceptive, etc. she home schools her other kids and she cannot have bad influences on them.


Really?!! What do you think the kids are like in school? At the playground? In the neighborhood? In real life?!! She is either very naive or very stupid.

Also, I think it's perfectly typical behavior for any 11 to "break a rule" like that. She went way too far off the deep end. If the Mom can only handle a black and white version of "Follow my rules or else" then she's got a LOT of parenting challenges in her future.

I definitely would NOT want my child exposed to her and her "parenting skills".

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Posted: 10/3/2012 10:28:18 AM
Sounds like she has as serious personality flaw. I would get out of the carpool now before my DS was a victim to another tirade.
Jen

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Posted: 10/3/2012 10:37:36 AM
We don't have the full story. I suspect your child has difficulty following the rules. Said child knew the DS was not to go to school and took it anyway. Said child was told not to play it in the car and did it anyway. This should be your focus. I also suspect the woman has been having difficulty with your child who does not follow the rules. Probably repeatedly. Now, she has had enough. I don't blame her. Focus on why your kid thinks the rules don't apply to her. It may sound harsh, but if the rules had been followed you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. Rules are rules and if you don't like them you get another way to school, you don't disrespect the adult in charge.

Sharna_G
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Posted: 10/3/2012 10:54:35 AM
I'm the type of parent that would be mortified if my child disobeyed another parent (no matter how stupid the rule is), especially if I wasn't present to immediately intervene. There would be hell to pay. But this:

She also said that her children cannot be around children that are this deceptive, etc. she home schools her other kids and she cannot have bad influences on them.


makes me think that she's put your child in the "bad influence" category and the kid will never recover from this Mom's standpoint. Your child will always be the example of What Not To Do, and she will obviously treat him/her accordingly. 2 hours is way too long a time for your child to feel like an outcast - especially if everyone in the car feels that way.

smilesnpeacesigns
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Posted: 10/3/2012 11:45:45 AM
I agree with everything Sharna said.

Jillsie Pea
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Posted: 10/3/2012 11:47:24 AM

oh, and next time the other child is a little snot, call her mother and let her know about it.


... and demand an apology! LOL!

Hope everything works out well for your child OP. Me personally, I would find another carpool for my child for the same reasons everyone else posted.

Mary_K
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Posted: 10/3/2012 11:55:18 AM
I wanted to post but Sharna above said everything.

I do want to add that I think you shouldn't subject your child to an hour car ride with that woman. What a miserable time that's going to be.

Mary K

cocoanmom
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Posted: 10/3/2012 12:08:10 PM
To me she sounds a little wacky to get that upset over a very small thing. I think it is weird to not let kids play a DS while in the car .They are quiet and entertained. What is the big deal? I wonder what her reasoning is?
Demand an apology?Get over yourself... really? I would have your child write a note and send it to her and stop the carpool. Short and sweet. I am not sure your child could recover to being a good kid in her eyes in such a small thing unhinges hinges her. Also who wants to ride with a tattle tail kid. To me that is being a brat and jut as bad. I hate kids like that. Unless it is a 911 situation..I dont want to hear it.
I would make other arrangements. Maybe she is too strict. Her "wholesome" fun of her kids distracting other drivers. Um yep that makes more sense.

Jili
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Posted: 10/3/2012 12:12:21 PM
I'm in agreement w/everyone who stated that your child did disobey the rule and that a simple apology is in order. With that said, I think the driver's reaction was over-the-top, and that concerns me.


she's put your child in the "bad influence" category and the kid will never recover from this Mom's standpoint. Your child will always be the example of What Not To Do, and she will obviously treat him/her accordingly. 2 hours is way too long a time for your child to feel like an outcast - especially if everyone in the car feels that way.


My thoughts exactly. I know it is an hour drive, but I'd have to seriously consider getting out of this carpool.

What do the kids do in the car on the days that you drive them? Did this lady drive the kids today? How did it go?

*Angela
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Posted: 10/3/2012 1:36:11 PM
By taking the DS, your child broke your, carpool, & likely the school's rules. Children learn from their mistakes; s/he should apologize to all parties & suffer whatever consequences you &/or your dh consider appropriate.

Unfortunately, I know a couple moms like the driver who believe their children are perfect because they are ideal parents. According to them, their children do not make mistakes or misbehave; rather, they merely mimic behavior from "poor influences" (i.e. naughty children with lesser parents).

IMHO admitting to you that 1) her children were "having a blast" playing an obnoxious game 2) she knew your child was excluded, & 3) her daughter tattled behind your child's back shows her skewed judgement, belief that her children can do no wrong, & insistence on finding fault with others to deflect from dealing with her own children's misbehavior. With her high standards & superior moral compass, shouldn't her children be reprimanded for distracting other drivers? excluding another child/a guest in their car? & her daughter for tattling?

Based on my observations of similiar moms, your child has already been labeled by her (& her children) as a negative influence to her perfect offspring. I would not subject my child to inevitably feeling inferior (not to mention possibly arming this mom with more "evidence" that your child is a bad seed to share with other moms/teachers/etc. at the school &/or your neighborhood)...

2boysandwill
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Posted: 10/3/2012 1:38:27 PM

But then on the phone she demanded an apology. She also said that her children cannot be around children that are this deceptive, etc. she home schools her other kids and she cannot have bad influences on them.


Oh EHM Geeeee...this sort of thing makes me roll my eyes and toss my head to the back. Get off your 'holier than thou' box.

I'd be embarrassed that my kid did this but I won't allow someone to make it seem like my kid is 'less than' because he broke her rule. I'd stop the carpool and thank her for helping out for the time that she did.

Personally, it sounds like both of you (moms) have different levels of accountability for this sort of thing. None of which is right or wrong, all us mom are entitled to do what we want. But when there's a ONE HOUR CARPOOL ride to consider things can get muddy real quick. Discontinuing a carpool on that basis alone is reasonable and warranted.

With all due respect, this mom can continue to 'cut off' the world for being a 'bad influence' on her children; good luck to her and her kids as they move to a cave.

Brush it off honey and enjoy the 'wave game' with your kid as you head into school.

LemonaideLinda
BucketHead

PeaNut 221,255
August 2005
Posts: 867
Layouts: 1

Posted: 10/3/2012 1:53:43 PM
No matter what you decide, please give an update.
Despite the red flags warning of escalating drama, I'm ashamed to admit a little piece of me hopes you'll stick with the carpool for another couple of weeks. I'll bet you a dozen doughnuts this will get weirder.

annoyedanonymous1
PeaWee

PeaNut 568,457
October 2012
Posts: 9
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Posted: 10/3/2012 2:23:37 PM
We switch around who takes and picks up the kids.
She won't see my child again until Friday when she picks them up.
She sent me a text today:
" this morning the girls and I prayed for your family, and for the Lord to intervene and give ________ a heart to obey those in authority."

annoyedanonymous1
PeaWee

PeaNut 568,457
October 2012
Posts: 9
Layouts: 0

Posted: 10/3/2012 2:34:39 PM
Also, for the time being I'm going to stick with the carpooling. It's mutually beneficial for both families. She needs our help more than we need hers....hence the reason she sought out us to carpool. If I get the slightest whiff of my child being targeted by her (when she's driving) I'm out. We can handle getting child to and from school everyday. She'd have to scramble, but I'm sure she would rope some other poor family into it.

Her dh drives them mostly (when it's their turn to drive). He's very laid back. She only drives maybe 1 or 2 times a week tops. He drives maybe 3 times and we drive 3 times. There are days we don't carpool because my child has activities after school.

I'll keep you guys updated though!

My knee jerk reaction is to call this lady out and quit carpool, but I'll be civil and see how it goes for a few weeks and the reassess.

Thanks for the advice.

frozenpond
PeaNut

PeaNut 98,151
July 2003
Posts: 411
Layouts: 0

Posted: 10/3/2012 2:41:30 PM
Adding that last little prayer into the mix? I sure hope you don't let her see your kid on Friday. What a lunatic. Seriously, she is way over the top and obviously doesn't function well in mainstream society.

JenAllyson
The Project Pea

PeaNut 139,756
April 2004
Posts: 8,446
Layouts: 30
Loc: Sacramento

Posted: 10/3/2012 2:41:52 PM

She sent me a text today:
" this morning the girls and I prayed for your family, and for the Lord to intervene and give ________ a heart to obey those in authority."


you have got to be freaking kidding me Your child did not bring a knife and start slashing the kids in the middle row... he/she was quietly playing a video game in the back seat. Lets have some perspective here... This woman is clearly off her rocker and I'd keep my kid away from her before she starts performing an exorcism on him during the carpool hour.


nicolequinn
Sick of Snow

PeaNut 41,352
June 2002
Posts: 6,061
Layouts: 0
Loc: Canada

Posted: 10/3/2012 2:42:37 PM
The woman sounds like a lunatic.

The children can act all nutty in the car by waving at strangers/passerby's... but your child can't quietly play his Nintendo?

UGH! Some people are control freaks.

Good lord, he's an 11-yo boy. (I'm getting the impression child is a boy).
Maybe he doesn't want to wave at strangers.
Maybe he doesn't like to read in the car.
Maybe he just wants to chill and play his Nintendo before school.
This kid isn't choosing to commute an hour... his parents (you) are choosing this.
And you are forcing him into a carpooling situation that he probably doesn't want to be in.

Personally, I'd tell the lady to lighten up or we can quit carpooling. I'm usually not confrontational at all... but I personally find her rule and over-the-top anger ridiculous.
What a bitch.
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