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Posted 10/5/2012 by smilesnpeacesigns in NSBR Board
 

smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 10/5/2012 9:51:16 AM
An 18 year old who is slightly handicapped meets a girl on FB they go out have sex and a few days later he is arrested for having sex with a minor (12) he does 2 months in county and then is convicted as a sex offender has to register and all that. His family finds out that the girl has done this 4 times before, she is 12 but looks 18 to say the least ( fully grown and make-upped ) never tells honestly what her age is and she has an abusive past . Family of the guy is mad thinking she set him up, and tries to get something less for him.

I am torn to be honest, I know him and he wouldn't hurt a child on purpose seriously, but I am also one of those that believe "you can't take the bait" if there is a question then look at her DL , if she doesn't have one don't go out with her.

I feel bad for his family as they are going through a lot of stuff besides just this but I honestly feel like he should have checked, and when his Mom wants to share with me about it, it's kind of hard for me to be sympathetic.


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aprilfay21
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Posted: 10/5/2012 9:58:13 AM
Honestly, I'm torn. He should have made sure of what he was doing before he did it. However, I think that the girl should be held responsible for something, although I'm unsure how. The minors in these situations aren't the only victims. They know the adult could get into trouble yet they go along with it anyway.

Please note - I am not referencing situations where the adult knowingly took advantage of a child.




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KikiNichole

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Posted: 10/5/2012 10:02:24 AM
I think cases should be looked at individually, instead of trying to apply one blanket law to all situations.

If she has a history of doing this, that should matter. It should. And it should be considered.

I'm not going to *blame* her...because she's 12...so there's obviously a problem there somewhere.

And while I feel like a boy of 18 should be able to discern a girl of 12, I still say these blanket laws are ridiculous...and, in actuality, are a big detriment to girls in the long run.


~Kristen~

smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 10/5/2012 10:10:33 AM
Yea, he just doesn't think as quick as other people, he tried to get into National Guard but couldn't pass his classes.

I just wish I could come up with something to say to his Mom when she talks to me about it that doesn't sound judgmental or like like I'm condoning the whole thing..

I'm really torn..


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TinCin
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Posted: 10/5/2012 11:51:27 AM
That's a tough one. I don't recall ever asking anyone to see their ID before having sex with them. If she is only 12 and this is the fourth occurrence I have to wonder where the heck her parents are and why she is allowed the freedom to do this. I agree a circumstance like this really needs a second look but I doubt it will happen.

As for his Mom, I don't know what I would say to her except the standard, "wow, that's too bad," or "I am sorry to hear that." I mean really what else can you say?


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scorPEAo
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Posted: 10/5/2012 12:34:14 PM
What is slightly handicapped mean? Low IQ? Is he mentally 18? Did he know the ramifications of sex with a minor?



smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 10/5/2012 1:10:28 PM
He has a low IQ, it isn't so low that it changes anything legally


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2boysandwill
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Posted: 10/5/2012 1:16:29 PM
As a parent, (and it's known this girl has a history of doing that) I would consult an attorney to see what (if any) legal recourse I could pursue. At minimum, I'd want my son to not need to register as a sex offender.

smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 10/5/2012 1:32:58 PM
It's all over with. He has to register as a sexual predator for the rest of his life, he is in the highest danger category. No appeals, he can no longer live with his Mom because her DGC live with her during the school year it has really screwed up his whole life. I feel awful for her and him. But his brother (22) was threatened with Statutory rape charges if he didn't quit going out with this one girl. So he KNOWS that it matters, and that you can get into trouble with the law even if it's consensual.

They don't have a lot of money and he got a PD to represent him so that explains a lot.

It's all just so sad and he just lost his Dad too I don't know how she is handling all of what she is going through right now. But damn it he knew that jumping in the SAK with just anyone can get you into trouble.

I guess I will be here for her when ever she needs me with out getting mad at him, in front of her. It's helping that I have you all to talk with about it.


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bridgyree
PeaAddict

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Posted: 10/5/2012 1:39:28 PM

That's a tough one. I don't recall ever asking anyone to see their ID before having sex with them. If she is only 12 and this is the fourth occurrence I have to wonder where the heck her parents are and why she is allowed the freedom to do this. I agree a circumstance like this really needs a second look but I doubt it will happen.


I have to agree with this. I think this case should be looked at differently. It is a very sad situation for him and your friend. I think the girl and her parents should be punished more harshly than the boy. Four times???!!!

dictionary
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Posted: 10/5/2012 1:44:30 PM
You know I would just tell the mom to save money for a private attorney and in a few years that attorney can help him clean up his record, it's not all bad. Unfortunately with PD they just want you to settle and try to scare you to death to get that deal.

I feel for him and his family. It's unfortunate that this happened to him and if this girl has a history I am sure the police need to know what she is doing..but I am guessing you would need all victims to stand together for more of an impact rather than one guy accusing her of it. KWIM


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smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 10/5/2012 2:12:02 PM
I think I might try to have her focus on what she might be able to do in the future. To change the laws or something.

The police,D.A. and PD all know this is happening with the girl, that is how they ( my friend ) found out she had done this in the past. They told her the law was the law and he broke it. No mention about what, if anything they were going to do to change anything.





Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!

scorPEAo
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 10/5/2012 4:28:41 PM
How awful for him. Sounds like the girl needs some SERIOUS counseling. And really, what teen boy is going to ask for ID before sex? I think laws need to be changed. It doesn't sound as if he's a sexual predator, and he shouldn't be treated as one for the rest of his life.



I-95
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Posted: 10/5/2012 5:31:25 PM
I feel for his mom. I have never felt that the law that makes teenage boys, who have sex with underage girls, was fair. Teenage boys are so full of raging hormones that if the girl is willing, they're going to go for it (well, not ALL boys, but a huge number of them) but to make them pay for the rest of their lives for having consensual sex with an underage girl. I think that's wrong.

I know....if it were my DD, blah, blah, blah. But then again, if it were my DS, I wouldn't want him to be labeled for the rest of his life either. There should be some slack in the law...like stay out of trouble (ALL trouble) for X number of years and it gets taken off your record, but for a kid who is already facing life long problems with potential employment (low IQ etc) a sex offender label pretty much puts his ability to get ahead in life at zero.

Obviously this is not a case of forcible rape, or any other heinous act. For a 12 yr old to have been involved in this type of thing 4 times, screams parental neglect. Why is she still living with her family? They are obviously not responsible people. The whole thing is sad

smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 10/5/2012 5:59:08 PM

I know....if it were my DD, blah, blah, blah. But then again, if it were my DS, I wouldn't want him to be labeled for the rest of his life either. There should be some slack in the law...like stay out of trouble (ALL trouble) for X number of years and it gets taken off your record, but for a kid who is already facing life long problems with potential employment (low IQ etc) a sex offender label pretty much puts his ability to get ahead in life at zero.


That is what worries me, he tried very hard to get into National Guard and just couldn't pass the classes, he is required to get a job, pay his fines, go to classes all normal requirements for someone on probation but he's looking and no one will give him a job, his Dad just passed away, he can't stay with his Mom because of her DGC, he is just, I don't know, it is all so sad. What does he have to look forward too.?

But like I said I'm angry with him too.

This isn't just a casual friend we have known each other for a long time,(well I knew her a few years before he was born).I have watched him grow up and struggle through life.


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Really Red
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Posted: 10/5/2012 6:33:35 PM
This is sad, but it is a lesson we all teach our boys ALL THE TIME. And if you are not teaching your child that, then shame on you. And teaching your kid not to have one-night stands is really important. Get to know the girl and then maybe he might have found out. If she had shown him a fake DL then maybe he would have been okay.

It is super sad, though.


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KathrynPea
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 10/5/2012 6:41:08 PM
This is what happens when you have casual sex. If you had an actual relationship you would know certain important things such as age. I think if you shirk responsibility in knowing who you are f-ing then you need to understand and face the consequences. Isn't this a talk that should be given to boy? I know I gave it to my son.

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Posted: 10/5/2012 7:09:23 PM
I would just tell her that I feel terrible for her son. Bc I do. It's hard for an 18 yr old boy to control his sexual impulses and then some lovely girl throws herself at him and he's kinda slow already...

I just feel so so bad for him. I am feeling 90% that he was not the initiator. He probably couldn't believe how lucky he was.


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AncestralPea

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Posted: 10/5/2012 9:00:20 PM
Something similar happened to a friend of mine's son. He was 18, met a girl at the movies - they text back and forth and one day her parents go out of town. She invites him over and they have sex. She tells him she is 18 too and a senior at such and such school.

Parents came home early and literally caught the two of them in bed - father of course is FURIOUS - turns out the girl is only 14 !

Boy got arrested - even though girl admitted she lied and admitted she initiated everything. According to the court, it was the boy's responsibility to ensure she was of legal age (not sure how he was to be sure other than ask for her driver's lic. or birth cert).

At any rate, he was charged with statutory rape. The girl pleaded with her dad to drop it (he wouldn't but even if he did it wouldn't matter since he was already charged withe a sex crime and it was in the courts hands now).

It took almost 3 years for all that to go through the judicial system - he didn't have to serve jail time but had to do community service and he has on his record for life that his is a sex offender.

The lesson is...if you are a teen and going to have sex, you need to be 100% sure that the other person is telling the truth about their age, even if you need to see a license or birth certificate.

In this case, even thought the boy is slightly handicapped, he is still at fault - that is just how the law works. It makes me sad that a 12 year old girl has done this at least 5 times.

memecoop
PeaNut

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Posted: 10/6/2012 9:41:24 AM
Most states have first offender laws that allow your first crime to be expunged. There are also ways to have the governor pardon the criminal.
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smilesnpeacesigns
PeaFixture

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Posted: 10/6/2012 9:49:03 AM

Most states have first offender laws that allow your first crime to be expunged. There are also ways to have the governor pardon the criminal


Yes, I think I will try to get her to focus on these kinds of things. Really I am surprised she is not gone crazy, she has been dealing with this for the last few months and then her DH took his own life.

Luckily my DH and I were planning on moving where she is because both of our DD's have grown up and moved on and we wanted to be with friends as well as family that lives in the area including her and her DH ( who is gone ) So instead of getting the apt we had planned on getting we are going to move in with her temporarily for financial reasons she will loose her home if she doesn't have some help. I honestly don't know what else to do ...


Even with the snark, trolls and spelling police you are a great group of ladies!
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