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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
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Loc: Northeast
 |  Posted: 10/6/2012 5:57:06 PM
my s/o's daughter called her father on thursday night and demanded he take her to the doctor on friday because her foot was bothering her. s/o lives about an hour from daughter and daughter is 17, has a drivers license and her own car. he explained to her that she is old enough to call and make the appt herself and go (it's about 5 minutes from her house)or, since her mother (who she lives with) should be able to bring her as she has a pretty flexible work schedule and works out of the house (which is, of course close to the doctor)I had my doubts anything was really wrong with her (she's been several times for very minor injuries and always swears she has some sort of major problem-the last thing was a $6,000 MRI she insisted on because she had a bruise on her leg-diagnosis was bruise on her leg-no treatment needed)
she was very upset he wouldnt take several hours off from work to bring her for her minor injury (he certainly would of it was serious, or she was scared of getting a procedure, etc)he then said he would meet her at the walk in clinic today-which he did. when he arrived, she had a handful of papers and receipts which she gave him and started demanding he give her mother more money (he pays a LOT in child support every month and despite being able to get a reduction because his oldest is an adult and out of the house he decided to continue paying the amount for two kids)he has refused to pay for things like sneakers, a new car for his daughter, etc as it's all supposed to be covered by child support (his ex has been to court numerous times and each time the judge tells her that the things she wants money for are what child support is for)between us, we have four kids and agreed that we would not buy cars for any of the kids since we can't afford to do so for all 4. his ex makes more money than s/o does. s/o covers the health and dental insurance and pays 100% of all out of pocket medical expenses.
when s/o told his daughter he didn't want to discuss finances with her, she got extremely angry and started calling him an asshole and a terrible father. at that point he said he would go wait in the waiting area so as to avoid a scene. as he was walking out the exam room door, his daughter screamed at the top of her lungs "fuck you, you fucking asshole" the waiting room was full of people-all of whom heard her screaming.he then spoke to the nursing staff, said he didnt want the situation to escalate and further disturb the patients so he took care of the copay, grabbed her prescription to be filled, and left (the nurse was going to tell her he left and would fill her prescription)
we went to the pharmacy, had her prescription for MOTRIN filled (yeah, nothing was really wrong-she needs to take a few days off from running)and we stopped by to drop it off on our way home. both the mother and his daughter came to the door and started screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) about what an asshole he is, how could he leave her there, she will never speak to him again, blah blah blah
I was pretty flabbergasted, to be honest. My kids started going to their own doctor, dentist and other appts around age 15 or so (unless it was something serious)I made them walk! I really don't see what the big deal is about having a 17 year old bring herself to the doctor over a sore foot (she's been fine to drive with the foot) given her outburst he was terrified she was going to create a further scene
s/o has numerous texts from ex and daughter about what an awful person he was to leave her at the doctor
I know what I think about the situation of course but am curious what the peas think. |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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Darkangel090260
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 308,882
April 2007
Posts: 2,843
Layouts: 15
 | Posted: 10/6/2012 6:43:45 PM
ex would be see a lot less child support really soon. |
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lovetodigi
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 257,022
April 2006
Posts: 7,721
Layouts: 5
Loc: Metro Atlanta
| Posted: 10/6/2012 6:50:37 PM
ex would be see a lot less child support really soon.
^^^^That^^^^
When will she be 18? She sounds like she has that sense of entitlement that some of the youngsters have these days, not to mention the pure disrespect she showed her father at the clinic. I think that he should pay child support for one until she hits that magic number and then only help her if she can show that she deserves it. |
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styxgirl
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 183,117
January 2005
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 | Posted: 10/6/2012 6:54:30 PM
 I wouldn't tolerate a daughter speaking to me in that tone ... ever!
I sounds to me like he really won't be able to smooth this over since both the Mom and the daughter are freaking out on him. It would be nuts to try to reason with either one of them. Since money is their motivator, just wait until she really wants something and then she'll come around.
I guess probably what I would do it make sure I was giving EXACTLY what was ordered for child support and nothing more. If she already thinks her Dad is a f-ing a-hole then I would show her exactly how great she had it before she flipped out.
I probably wouldn't have left the doctor's office with her there. Kids making a scene don't bother me and I'm a helicopter Mom anyway. LOL. Of course my DDs are younger. (Ask me again when they are 17!!UGH!)
I don't think that he did anything wrong by leaving her at the doctor's office given her mental state, it wasn't a serious injury and she drove herself there. She's the one that looks like a little brat screaming at her father, not him.
One day she will realize how good she had it... |
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
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Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/6/2012 6:59:36 PM
he's definitely not reducing the child support. she does act entitled and she's got a lot of growing up to do. hopefully it will be sooner, rather than later. most kids would LOVE to have a dad as good as my s/o. he really does try hard. I dunno though, she said she is never speaking to him again.
I'm just wondering if others think its terrible that he left her there. she was literally hysterically screaming "you left me there" "how could you leave me there" and then of course the swears along with it.
this isn't the first time she's screamed fuck you to him because he wouldnt pay for something she wanted him to pay for. when she does that he wont engage and will leave.
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-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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peano
Lead With Love
PeaNut 43,034
July 2002
Posts: 6,266
Layouts: 4
Loc: Connecticut
 | Posted: 10/6/2012 7:02:35 PM
What do I think?
I feel sorry for the daughter, who is either so desperate for a connection to her father she's cooking up injuries and/or being played by the mother.
FYI, no doctor is going to order an MRI on only the say-so of a 17-year-old.
You seem to be demonizing the daughter. I think it was a lousy thing to do to leave the daughter at the doctor's office. He could have told her he wasn't going to listen to her when she was so upset and would wait for her in the car. That way, he doesn't engage and he doesn't abandon her yet again.
And you can certainly come on 2 Peas and bitch and moan about the whole situation; it sure doesn't sound like fun--and that's why we're here  But I sure hope the attitude you're projecting doesn't come across in real life. There, you need to MYOB and let SO deal with it. |
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Georgiapea
Mom to the Wild Things.
PeaNut 96,783
July 2003
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Loc: Poss-a-Dillo Hill, Ozark, AL
 | Posted: 10/6/2012 7:02:39 PM
I'd have left her there too. Seriously, her lack of respect probably comes from your s/o's ex wife but at 17 the girl is old enough to realize what her mother is doing.
If your s/o can legally drop child support at 18 that is exactly what I would do. But probably you should not discuss it or otherwise try to influence him. Can you encourage him to talk with someone else about this? Because down the road you really don't want the ex hanging blame on you for whatever decision your s/o makes. | |
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naniwebbEMT
PeaFixture
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April 2007
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Leader of the Banned
PeaNut 52,171
October 2002
Posts: 17,551
Layouts: 105
Loc: Froogville
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:19:09 PM
She sounds like a real brat who uses fits to get her way.
I'd tell her don't call me again until you can speak to me like a decent human being and don't you EVER treat me like that again. And she better think twice about treating me like crap because I won't do a damn thing for her if that's how she's going to be. |
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
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Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:20:37 PM
What do I think?
I feel sorry for the daughter, who is either so desperate for a connection to her father she's cooking up injuries and/or being played by the mother.
FYI, no doctor is going to order an MRI on only the say-so of a 17-year-old.
You seem to be demonizing the daughter. I think it was a lousy thing to do to leave the daughter at the doctor's office. He could have told her he wasn't going to listen to her when she was so upset and would wait for her in the car. That way, he doesn't engage and he doesn't abandon her yet again.
And you can certainly come on 2 Peas and bitch and moan about the whole situation; it sure doesn't sound like fun--and that's why we're here But I sure hope the attitude you're projecting doesn't come across in real life. There, you need to MYOB and let SO deal with it.
to be clear, I was DEFINITELY demonizing the daughter. IMO, she acted like a complete asshole and it's not the first time she's done it. she frequently calls and texts demanding he buy her things and calling him names when he wont do it. he goes out of his way to see her (and it's always on her terms) and bends over backwards to spend time with her. I give him a lot of credit for driving his ass up to see her to take her to lunch when a few days before she was telling him how much she hates him, what a loser he is, etc. usually the visits start off ok but almost always end up with her calling him an asshole or other horrible name. yet he is always willing to spend time with her when she wants it.
I have two kids and I'm divorced as well and I would be horrified if my kids did that to their father or anyone else for that matter(and since their father used to use me as his own personal punching bag-I have a lot of reasons to hate his guts)I can appreciate your opinion but I don't agree with giving passes on behavior (especially to "kids" who are almost completely grown up) because they are "poor little victims of divorce" I didnt allow it with my own kids, and thank god my own mother didnt allow it with me. at a certain age a kid should know right from wrong-even when a parent is negatively influencing them. I truly find it puzzling when people give a free pass to kids of divorce-a pass they would never (hopefully)give their own kids. she isn't yelling fuck you to her teachers, or the school crossing guard-she KNOWS what she is doing and she's old enough to control her behavior. why anyone would think she wasn;t old enough to control what comes out of her mouth is really bizarre to me.
I would never advocate him cutting off child support-he's required to pay until she's 18 and he will. he wont seek a lesser payment either-despite her behavior. I stay out of their relationship as it's between the two of them. I've never told him I don't think he should see her, or that he should reduce support, etc.thankfully, s/o and I both share our opinions on child issues and we both find the supportive ear helpful when dealing with our kids. he's told me his opinion when my kids act like butts and I share mine as well-that's what partners do-they share feelings and provide support to each other.
ANY 17 year old causing a public scene in a clinic by screaming fuck you to anyone (let alone her father!!!) is acting like a complete jackass and deserves to be punished or at least told their behavior is unacceptable.
I'm comfortable with him leaving her there and I know he is. the situation would have escalated and it was pointless to wait in the car as she drove herself to the clinic.
I appreciate the opinions though |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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Mariah2
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,760
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Loc: Illinois
 | Posted: 10/6/2012 7:23:09 PM
I think he was right to walk out on her with her massive disrespect of him in public.
But I also think he needed to put his foot down with her right then and there. Since he didn't it's on him to do it now. It's on him to speak to her IN PERSON. Look her in the eyes calmly and say firmly that he loves her so much but he will not tolerate disrespect from her. If she has a problem they can discuss it calmly but NOT at the dr's office. Financial arrangements are between him, the mom, and the court not her. He will not tolerate her having a tantrum like a 2 yr old. And ask her if she understands that he will not put up with that. and he will not tolerate swearing at him (unless he swears at her!)
The problem he has is that the mom sounds like a psycho and she's been talking to the daughter inappropriatly. And winding her up.
I don't advocate he step out of her life. But he has to impress upon her that he will not tolerate that disrespect. Since he can't punish her all he can do is say that he doesn't let people talk to him like that and he will be leaving.
And then I would say he tell her very firmly while looking into her eyes that he expects an apology for her behavior. And that he is waiting. And it's up to her.
It's very important this be done in person. And that she knows he will get up and leave her wherever they are if she chooses not to comlply.
Obviously she is verrrry mad at him about other things and I think it's important that he ask her what those things are and then LISTEN. But first, an apology from her.
It's her choice and he needs to give it to her. And then stick to it. And if he has to leave he should impress upon her that she and her siblings are the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD to him. He loves them with all his heart and he misses being a daily part of her life. And he will ALWAYS love her. But he can't be around her if she is going to swear and call him names and scream at him.
Well what do I know. Probably nothing. I don't have a teen daughter but I was one and believe me my dad is a giant asshole. I never screamed at him and never swore at him. And now he is out of my life.
I just think that a firm boundary needs to be drawn, and with LOVE. I love you, you are the most important person in the world to me AND I will not allow you to treat me this way. That is the line. You either agree to stay on that side of it or you don't. |
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:26:23 PM
FYI, no doctor is going to order an MRI on only the say-so of a 17-year-old.
they most certainly WILL when said 17 year old sees the doctor multiple times insisting something is "really wrong" and demanding tests to determine what the issue is.
doctors dont like lawsuits and they dont like to see someone over and over for the same issue. she got the test to get her off the doctors back. |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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CarolT
Slow Poke Pea
PeaNut 857
June 1999
Posts: 5,130
Layouts: 37
Loc: Central Florida
 | Posted: 10/6/2012 7:29:13 PM
It all sounds very dramatic and over the top.
I think her behavior was ridiculous, but he had to have known that by leaving her at the clinic he would be fueling the fire. |
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Leader of the Banned
PeaNut 52,171
October 2002
Posts: 17,551
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Loc: Froogville
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:30:44 PM
I give him a lot of credit for driving his ass up to see her to take her to lunch when a few days before she was telling him how much she hates him, what a loser he is, etc. usually the visits start off ok but almost always end up with her calling him an asshole or other horrible name. yet he is always willing to spend time with her when she wants it.
And that tells me she knows she can get away with it. He's allowed that behavior. He's enabled her behavior towards him. |
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Mariah2
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,760
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:31:42 PM
Having read further I think the problem is exacerbated by him just up and leaving. She feels abandoned by him and is incredibly angry at him for it. All she has is words.
That's why it is so soooo important for him to TELL HER what is going to happen.
Just like when the kid is 5 and you say "do that one more time and I am taking it away." then they do it, you take it away, they go into time out Cohen you tell them "I put you in time out bc I said not to do that again and you did it. Now I want an apology."
Kids cries "I'm sorry!" you give a hug and a kiss and move on.
He hasn't done that. He hasnt said "I love you BUT I will not tolerate your screaming and bad language. We can talk about why you are upset but not I until I get an apology. and if you do that then I will do this"
And then he does it. Then she knows. She was told. Consequences for her behavior -- not an asshole who doesn't care and abandons her. |
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:35:03 PM
I think he was right to walk out on her with her massive disrespect of him in public.
But I also think he needed to put his foot down with her right then and there. Since he didn't it's on him to do it now. It's on him to speak to her IN PERSON. Look her in the eyes calmly and say firmly that he loves her so much but he will not tolerate disrespect from her. If she has a problem they can discuss it calmly but NOT at the dr's office. Financial arrangements are between him, the mom, and the court not her. He will not tolerate her having a tantrum like a 2 yr old. And ask her if she understands that he will not put up with that. and he will not tolerate swearing at him (unless he swears at her!)
The problem he has is that the mom sounds like a psycho and she's been talking to the daughter inappropriatly. And winding her up.
I don't advocate he step out of her life. But he has to impress upon her that he will not tolerate that disrespect. Since he can't punish her all he can do is say that he doesn't let people talk to him like that and he will be leaving.
And then I would say he tell her very firmly while looking into her eyes that he expects an apology for her behavior. And that he is waiting. And it's up to her.
It's very important this be done in person. And that she knows he will get up and leave her wherever they are if she chooses not to comlply.
Obviously she is verrrry mad at him about other things and I think it's important that he ask her what those things are and then LISTEN. But first, an apology from her.
It's her choice and he needs to give it to her. And then stick to it. And if he has to leave he should impress upon her that she and her siblings are the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN THE WORLD to him. He loves them with all his heart and he misses being a daily part of her life. And he will ALWAYS love her. But he can't be around her if she is going to swear and call him names and scream at him.
Well what do I know. Probably nothing. I don't have a teen daughter but I was one and believe me my dad is a giant asshole. I never screamed at him and never swore at him. And now he is out of my life.
I just think that a firm boundary needs to be drawn, and with LOVE. I love you, you are the most important person in the world to me AND I will not allow you to treat me this way. That is the line. You either agree to stay on that side of it or you don't.
he has had that conversation with her-and that's why he left. he told her he won't put up with her being cruel and disrespectful. when she does it on the phone, he hangs up. when she does it in person, he leaves. he didnt go to her meet last weekend (and he really wanted to) because she was screaming and swearing at him.
he has not said he wont see her unless she apologizes. honestly, I think if he insisted on that, he'd never see her again. I dont think he can go that far, and frankly, I dont blame him. as far as her wanting his attention-she HAS it. he will go see her whenever she wants, invites her over whenever she wants, and genuinely enjoys spending time with her (when she's not being abusive, anyway)he will chat on the phone with her for hours about her friends at school, gossip about this or that, etc.
he's drawn a line he is mostly comfortable about but it really, really hurts him to be treated this way. his son is away at college and while he could be like that from time to time (abusive and demanding to his father) he also did it a LOT less often than his daughter. teenagers are buttheads-believe me, I get that. my kids have said awful things and acted in ways that have driven me nuts. it's the refusal to ever apoplogize or acknowledge she was wrong and the fact that she does it all.the.time. that makes it really difficult to deal with.
I feel for him, I really do |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:37:42 PM
sorry I didnt make it clear before that he has had a very serious conversation about her behavior and what he was going to do when she exhibits it.
honestly? he HAS to leave when she gets like that. you can't just stand there and let a 17 year old berate you and call you horrible names.
you just can't (which is what he would do in the past-just take it and try to talk her off the ledge by pleading with her) |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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peano
Lead With Love
PeaNut 43,034
July 2002
Posts: 6,266
Layouts: 4
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 10/6/2012 7:49:29 PM
I have two kids and I'm divorced as well and I would be horrified if my kids did that to their father or anyone else for that matter(and since their father used to use me as his own personal punching bag-I have a lot of reasons to hate his guts)I can appreciate your opinion but I don't agree with giving passes on behavior (especially to "kids" who are almost completely grown up) because they are "poor little victims of divorce" I didnt allow it with my own kids, and thank god my own mother didnt allow it with me. at a certain age a kid should know right from wrong-even when a parent is negatively influencing them. I truly find it puzzling when people give a free pass to kids of divorce-a pass they would never (hopefully)give their own kids. she isn't yelling fuck you to her teachers, or the school crossing guard-she KNOWS what she is doing and she's old enough to control her behavior. why anyone would think she wasn;t old enough to control what comes out of her mouth is really bizarre to me.
I don't agree on giving passes on bad behavior either--which is why I suggested Dad tell DD that he wasn't going to listen to her and then wait for her in the car.
Sorry, I missed that he met her at the dr's office; I thought he drove off and left her without a ride.
Nobody should have to endure being screamed at by anyone, especially one's child. But I think DD is "testing" Dad to see if he really will leave her. As a therapist I look at the metaphor behind the behavior. And I would advise Dad to not put up with her crap, but also, for God's sake, don't let her behavior run him away. She's 17, she's angry (and likely being egged on by her mother) and trying to figure it all out. Would you have wanted someone to give up on you when you were only 17.
Also, did you ever think that the reason your kids don't act like she does is that it isn't safe to do it, since your ex was (is?) abusive?
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Fraidyscrapper
Serious Interlocutor
PeaNut 38,100
May 2002
Posts: 12,525
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Loc: Jersey Strong
 | Posted: 10/6/2012 7:55:59 PM
I think I don't love it when my ex's girlfriend tells me how things should go down with my kids.
I know that every time I try to tell my husband what to do with his son, it hurts my marriage.
The issue is not that the child is the victim of divorce. The child is definitely a victim, though, of some poor parenting choices.
God bless you all. | |
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Peabay
Happy now?
PeaNut 156,993
July 2004
Posts: 44,813
Layouts: 13
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 10/6/2012 8:01:23 PM
I think 17 (and 15) is too young to go to the doctor alone.
And that's about all I have to say. I think she's desperate for love and attention. |
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**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!
PeaNut 3,902
April 2000
Posts: 24,405
Layouts: 9
Loc: MN
| Posted: 10/6/2012 8:05:17 PM
I think there is 2 sides to every story.... |
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/6/2012 8:10:44 PM
don't agree on giving passes on bad behavior either--which is why I suggested Dad tell DD that he wasn't going to listen to her and then wait for her in the car.
Sorry, I missed that he met her at the dr's office; I thought he drove off and left her without a ride.
Nobody should have to endure being screamed at by anyone, especially one's child. But I think DD is "testing" Dad to see if he really will leave her. As a therapist I look at the metaphor behind the behavior. And I would advise Dad to not put up with her crap, but also, for God's sake, don't let her behavior run him away. She's 17, she's angry (and likely being egged on by her mother) and trying to figure it all out. Would you have wanted someone to give up on you when you were only 17.
Also, did you ever think that the reason your kids don't act like she does is that it isn't safe to do it, since your ex was (is?) abusive?
when did I say he should give up on her???? I would never advocate that-never. I also dont make the decisions about his relationship with his daughter-he does (same for me, and my kids-he offers advice, comfort and support but at the end of the day I decide whats best for my kids and the relationship I have with them) of course we've talked about the situation, and I agree with him-her behavior is unacceptable but she is still his daughter and in fact my advice to him today was to continue to reach out to her and try to spend time with her and when she's abusive to leave. keep up the relationship as best he can while also maintaing basic boundaries about what he will deal with and what he won't when she is abusive he is to remind her he wont put up with her abuse and leave. I've repeatedly said he cant just cut her out of his life because of her behavior. we are both hopeful that she will mature and grow up and see that he really is a good father. I don't attend any of these visits-it's time for her and him to be together.
as far as my kids-believe me, I bore the brunt of all their anger growing up. I'm well aware of how damaged kids can act out, the upset they feel, how hard it is to be a child of divorce. they actually saved all their upset for me as they never felt safe expressing anger at their father. They KNEW I was the one parent guaranteed to love them no matter what. I put up with a LOT my ex didn't...my ex has disowned my youngest because he no longer worships him as he used to. as an adult, he's realized his father isn't perfect and his father dislikes him for it. it's unquestioning loyalty and obedience or you are out of the "circle". my oldest still worships his father and eagerly accepts the small crumbs of support and affection his father deigns to give him. for example, my son adores him and would do anythng for him and his father couldnt even be bothered to go to his high school graduation. instead of being upset, my son defended his father (we saw his father after graduation-he was watching a baseball game less than a mile from the graduation ceremony)he's always courted his fathers love and approval and never courted mine-he knew it was there-without question.
as for my s/o and his daughter I can tell you definitively that I 100% believe she acts this way towards him because she knows he's safe and would never abandon her and will always love her. no.matter.what. he's the outlet for ALL her rage, sadness and anger. he's become the scapegoat for all that is bad in her life. her mother has BPD and her love and support are all tied up in unquestioning loyalty. she cuts people out of her life routinely because they dont live up to her extremely rigid perfectionist standards.
my s/o is extremely loyal and unwavering in his love and anyone who knows him, knows this about him. He's extremely nurturing and always played a more maternal role with the kids. his relationship with his mother for example, is very, very close.
I like to play armchair therapist as much as the next person but I do believe you are off base in some of your assumptions. |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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scrapmaven
PEA-T-A-Mom's kitteh is a fraidy cat.
PeaNut 90,665
June 2003
Posts: 15,794
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| Posted: 10/6/2012 8:11:37 PM
My first thought when I read about her having so many injuries was that she is desperate for her father's attention. Sounds like your kids come firzt and she's not a priority for either of you. Is her mother's BPD well controlled? If not, why isn't your bf's dd in his custody? This whole situation is tragic.
Her tantrum was way out of line. I am not excusing it. Spoiled doesn't begin to describe it. However, I think she's showing a major cry for attention. Has she exhaibited any signs of a mental illness? Stop demonizing her, eventhough you don't like her behavior. She needs to be closer to you two, not the annoying step child. What have you and your bf done to support her emotionally and to let her know that you love her just as much as your own kids? What security does she have? I think the mother is making things far worse, too. However, deep down I think this is about her resentment and abandonment issues and not about the money. She's in the middle of her parents war isn't she? Her mother is putting those thoughts in her head. Just my .02cents.
As for you, is this a dealbreaker for your relationship? What happens if you get married? |
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*maureen*
Bad Wolf
PeaNut 191,892
February 2005
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| Posted: 10/6/2012 8:14:00 PM
My kids started going to their own doctor, dentist and other appts around age 15 or so (unless it was something serious)I made them walk! I really don't see what the big deal is about having a 17 year old bring herself to the doctor over a sore foot
I know my son's doctor wont treat any patient under 18 without a parent in the building. He just had a checkup and booster shots (he will be 15 next month) and I had to be present for the administration of the shots. So while I don't understand sending a 15 year old to a doctor alone and I wouldn't ever do it, I don't judge your decision to do so. | |
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Katybee
PeaFixture
PeaNut 379,678
June 2008
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 | Posted: 10/6/2012 8:32:03 PM
As someone with a strained relationship with my father that is exacerbated by a step-mother, I can't help feeling there is more to the story. My dad was a jerk to my mother, had multiple affairs, left my mother for another woman, couldn't find money to pay for our basic expenses, but could find money for trips and shows and fancy cars and jewelry for my step-mom...
I spoke my mind to my dad. I thought he was acting like an asshole and shirking his responsibilities. He needed his "me" time--well guess what--he had teenage kids at home as well. One day we were normal kids, and the next, we were entitled, spoiled brats. Funny thing is...we didn't change--he did.
But I'm sure if you heard my step-mother's side of the story--it would sound a lot like yours.
And making your 15 year-old walk to the doctor? Where do you live--Mayberry? I think that's so sad. |
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
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| Posted: 10/6/2012 8:33:13 PM
My first thought when I read about her having so many injuries was that she is desperate for her father's attention. Sounds like your kids come firzt and she's not a priority for either of you. That's sad.
Her tantrum was way out of line. Spoiled doesn't begin to describe it. However, I think she's showing a major cry for attention. Stop demonizing her, eventhough you don't like her behavior. She needs to be closer to you two, not the annoying step child. What have you and your dh done to support her emotionally and to let her know that you love her just as much as your own kids? What security does she have? I think the mother is making things far worse, too. However, deep down I think this is about her resentment and abandonment issues and not about the money. Her mother is putting those thoughts in her head. Just my .02cents.
my kids don't live with me-they are adults, lol so I doubt she feels my kids come first her behavior started after my kids were out of the house. her brother just left for college perhaps she feels a bit abandoned by him? I dont know....
that said, I DON'T love her as much as my kids. Not even close. nor does my s/o love my kids like his own. nor do his kids love me even remotely like a mother. the role I have played in their life is not a mother and quite frankly, that is how they and I wanted it. I'm more like an aunt or something-someone who cares about their well being and wants them to be healthy and happy. same for my kids and my s/o. we get along well, we have had a lot of laughs together over the years and I think it's been a pretty healthy situation for all overall. no doubt some will think I'm a horrible person-so be it, it is what it is. unless someone has walked a mile in a stepparents shoes I really dont think they can even remotely judge.
I know the brady bunch has "taught" people that blended families are all puppies, sunshine and rainbows but it's not always like that in the real world.
I get along with both his kids but since his time with his daughter is less than it was when she was younger (by her choice I might add, he is always asking to spend time with her)they spend that time together-without me getting in the way-and that is how it should be, IMO. visitation is HIS time with her and that needs to be respected and promoted without a pseudo stepmom being in the middle.
my kids like and respect my s/o but they certainly don't love him like a father. and that's perfectly ok.
I know he and I have made mistakes with parenting, and perhaps she does feel abandoned, but at the end of the day, you do the best you can and that's really all you can do. he's tried very, very hard to be there for her, to show her and tell her how much he loves her. he's an affectionate person, very approachable, very open, he's always been very affectionate and loving with her. what else can a person do?
I've made it clear that I actually expect him to keep trying with her. I have never put pressure on him to end his relationship with her and quite frankly, I'd think less of him if he tried to cut her off. yes, I am very unhappy with her behavior and I hate to see him so upset but I don't hate her. after all, my s/o has witnessed a lot of things with my two kids that made him very upset for me as well. it's the nature of being blended-things are much more complicated than when you are dealing with an intact, nuclear family.
I appreciate hearing people's thoughts on this. s/o has come up with a plan and he will stick with it as best he can. all you can do is what you think is right and best and hope it gets the results you seek.
i'm hopeful exposure to the "real" world, post high school will cause her to mature and see things in a bit more realistic light. |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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TXDancermom
PeaFixture
PeaNut 146,748
May 2004
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| Posted: 10/6/2012 8:44:18 PM
I think you are right that your s/o is the "safe" one in her life, and mom is the one that probably incites all the bad behavior probably by telling her how horrid her dad is. If he has told her that he will not put up with the behavior and that he will end the call or leave when she gets that way, he needs to continue, she wants the attention her "tantrums" get her. She probably also gets some measure of "approval" from mom for treating him that way (as warped as that sounds)
And my kids were making their own doctor appts when they got into high school, I knew they were doing it and they knew when I was not available, but their schedules were the hard ones to work with and I was not always aware of things they had going on (I was usually the last to know and it was "oh I forgot to tell you" . they were driving age, and on the rare occasion that I couldn't go with them, it was a routine visit and the doc knew how to reach me.
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
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| Posted: 10/6/2012 9:03:59 PM
As someone with a strained relationship with my father that is exacerbated by a step-mother, I can't help feeling there is more to the story. My dad was a jerk to my mother, had multiple affairs, left my mother for another woman, couldn't find money to pay for our basic expenses, but could find money for trips and shows and fancy cars and jewelry for my step-mom...
I spoke my mind to my dad. I thought he was acting like an asshole and shirking his responsibilities. He needed his "me" time--well guess what--he had teenage kids at home as well. One day we were normal kids, and the next, we were entitled, spoiled brats. Funny thing is...we didn't change--he did.
But I'm sure if you heard my step-mother's side of the story--it would sound a lot like yours.
And making your 15 year-old walk to the doctor? Where do you live--Mayberry? I think that's so sad.
ok, let me set a few things straight
15 year old walking to the doctor-at my kids MD office they dont even let parents in the room after age 14. the walk was about a mile and half, and honestly, my kids never thought anything of it. I've tried to foster some independence in them and felt that was an appropriate way to gain some independence. we lived in a small city with a very low crime rate and almost nonexistent violent crime. for any "important" appointments I was always there. I am talking about teeth cleaning, sports physicals, immunizations etc. not sure why a parent "needs" to be there while a kid gets their teeth cleaned-what exactly is the point? if you were to ask my kids they would absolutely say I was there for them. I also let my kids have a fair amount of freedom to walk to the playground, explore in the woods, build forts, ride bikes, etc. I know they loved that aspect of their childhood. they have never expressed any resentment about that (other things maybe, but not that, lol)
the mother left my s/o for his best friend (and no, this isn't his version, it's on record at the court in their divorce file)
she has BPD-shortly after she left s/o for his best friend he broke up with her and had to call the police to have her removed from his house because she went crazy.
my s/o was late one time for child support briefly when he was laid off. he took any job he could find to pay. he worked long hours and was extremely stressed about being behind-it was awful. this was for a few months. he quickly found a job and got caught up.
the kids live in a nicer house than we do, and the mother drives a new car every two years. Not bashing these things-she works hard and has a good job AND gets a nice amount of child support. I'm pointing out we aren't living large while they live in a trailer with no heat.
my s/o and I went on four vacations without any of the kids while they were growing up
we took ALL four kids on trips or we didn't go at all. we scrimped and saved like crazy to take them all to disney, to six flags, camping,the beach, lakes, etc etc. we didn't do something for one that we didnt do for all
I never got ANY jewelry or even presents. we put everythhing we had towards the kids and never bought each other anything for christmas or birthdays, etc. we have always driven our cars into the ground-no fancy wheels at our house. I think we averaged a 5 or 6 year old car.I've had one new car in the last 15 years and my s/o hasnt had any new cars since I've known him.
s/o has never shirked his responsibilties financially, he pays for extras he's not required to like spending money for the kids (does that a lot)gas for the car, drivers ed, summer camps (which we couldnt afford for my kids)presents, trips, etc. he has always tried to spend time with them whenever he can.
My dad left my mom for a woman 15 years younger than him. he had a child with her and they routinely did things without his "other" kids (my brother, sister and me) they went to his second home in FL often, he took them to europe, drove a porsche, lived in a fancy house and had a fantastic life style with four wheelers and dirt bikes for my half brother and he got out of paying more than a pittance ($50 a week) in child support to my mom because he had a business in his new wife's name. I KNOW what it feels like to feel like an outsider in your own family. my dad was traveling around europe with his new family while my sister, brother and I were going to bed hungry, living in federally subsidized housing and getting reduced lunch at school.
I would have ZERO respect for my s/o if he were a deadbeat dad. believe me, we've had to suffer financially a LOT for him to pay what he pays and I have NEVER begrudged his kids that money-NEVER. he is a good father-by anyone's standards. both financially and by virtue of being there. I don't stand in the way of their relationship-I encourage it. lots of stepmoms insert themselves into the situation and I can say with all certainty, I do not. perhaps I did many, many years ago when I was trying to help the situation with his ex and trying to help my s/o fight for more time with his kids (ex would routinely not allow the kids to go on their scheduled visitation and wouldnt allow them to speak to s/o on the phone)but I quickly discovered that staying out of it was by far the best thing I could do.
yes, there are two sides to every story but the other side of this story, is a sick, bitter, mentally ill woman who still acts the exact same crazy, angry way she did more than a decade ago when they divorced. |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!
PeaNut 3,902
April 2000
Posts: 24,405
Layouts: 9
Loc: MN
| Posted: 10/6/2012 9:19:16 PM
Dr offices CAN not restrict parents from being in the room at a dr's office. I don't know where you are getting this info from? but that is undeniably NOT true. |
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peasbkind
Right . . . where I ought to be!
PeaNut 458,467
March 2010
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**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!
PeaNut 3,902
April 2000
Posts: 24,405
Layouts: 9
Loc: MN
| Posted: 10/6/2012 9:22:23 PM
Dr offices CAN not restrict parents from being in the room at a dr's office. I don't know where you are getting this info from? but that is undeniably NOT true. |
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**cindyupnorth**
Tony is MY hoochie!
PeaNut 3,902
April 2000
Posts: 24,405
Layouts: 9
Loc: MN
| Posted: 10/6/2012 9:25:29 PM
As a parent, if my child was ill/sick/injuried enough to be at the dr, I would want to be there. and not make them walk??? to a dr appt? that's just odd....and alone? yi |
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*maureen*
Bad Wolf
PeaNut 191,892
February 2005
Posts: 5,395
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Loc: Wheaton
| Posted: 10/6/2012 9:25:55 PM
for any "important" appointments I was always there. I am talking about teeth cleaning, sports physicals, immunizations etc. not sure why a parent "needs" to be there while a kid gets their teeth cleaned-what exactly is the point?
I'm not sure how you define "important" but I think immunizations are important and I think that a parent being present in case of a reaction doesn't mean that my child isn't independent. I also think there is a fine line between allowing a child to be independent and neglect. | |
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peano
Lead With Love
PeaNut 43,034
July 2002
Posts: 6,266
Layouts: 4
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 10/6/2012 9:40:21 PM
as for my s/o and his daughter I can tell you definitively that I 100% believe she acts this way towards him because she knows he's safe and would never abandon her and will always love her. no.matter.what. he's the outlet for ALL her rage, sadness and anger. he's become the scapegoat for all that is bad in her life. her mother has BPD and her love and support are all tied up in unquestioning loyalty. she cuts people out of her life routinely because they dont live up to her extremely rigid perfectionist standards.
my s/o is extremely loyal and unwavering in his love and anyone who knows him, knows this about him. He's extremely nurturing and always played a more maternal role with the kids. his relationship with his mother for example, is very, very close.
I like to play armchair therapist as much as the next person but I do believe you are off base in some of your assumptions.
I have a master's in marriage and family therapy...so I'm not just being an armchair therapist. Like often happens here, as the OP responds to posters' input, more information comes out. Of course I'm not there so I can only go by the info you are giving at the time.
The fact that the mother has BPD is a major factor--her dad has left her with someone who is likely volatile and impulsive and manipulative. No wonder she's angry. Underneath all that anger is a lot of fear. She knows just how unstable her mother and how tenuous their relationship is.
I'm glad to hear your SO is totally committed to his DD--given her current living situation it's important that she knows one of her parents will be there for her. |
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GenieV
BucketHead
PeaNut 162,111
August 2004
Posts: 740
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Loc: Ohio
| Posted: 10/6/2012 10:48:03 PM
Wow. 
I would have done exactly what he did. It sounds like he gives her all the attention she needs and wants and yet she's playing him. I'd have walked out too. She's 17, she drove herself, she's capable of getting home five minutes away.
I don't think she's crying out for attention at all. I think she's an entitled little brat and needs to learn how to respect her father. Too bad her mother is probably egging her on.
I don't know what else he could do besides what he's already doing. I feel for him. 
Genie | |
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KittenOnTheKeys
PeaFixture
PeaNut 498,237
February 2011
Posts: 3,131
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Loc: SW
 | Posted: 10/7/2012 6:05:05 AM
He was right leaving her.
At 17 I was at college. That means I was more than able to take myself to the dr as were the others my age there. Many are emancipated at that age. Many are Moms at that age. She is not a baby. She didn't need him for her "little injury".
Her showing up with a pile of paper shows me her injury was not a top priority. She knew he would not show up to pay her bills so she tried to trap him in a public place. It appears that even the dr didn't believe her injury was all that. Who knows, she may have even had a little talking to by the dr.
I know I would be cutting off the extra $$ on that kid. Welcome to the real world. | |
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Woobster
The Banana Under the Couch Pea
PeaNut 295,941
February 2007
Posts: 6,730
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Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow...
| Posted: 10/7/2012 6:30:09 AM
If I had played that game at 17, my dad would have yanked me out of that Dr.'s office so fast my head would've spun. My world as I knew it would have ended right then and there. Even at the age of 33, I cannot imagine screaming something like that at him.
I don't think your DH did anything wrong by leaving his daughter there. She had a vehicle. He paid the bill. Then did her a favor by going and filling her script and delivering it to her.
I realize that divorce can cause a lot of anger and hurt in kids. It can't be an easy situation to deal with and this girl needs to get some help to work through that. However, she also needs to learn what respect is. | |
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/7/2012 7:15:21 AM
Dr offices CAN not restrict parents from being in the room at a dr's office. I don't know where you are getting this info from? but that is undeniably NOT true.
yes, I could have barged in the room and insisted, I know that. it's their policy to have 14 and over in the room alone-the reason is a teenager is much more likely to discuss concerns of a sensitive nature without mommy there. not many teenagers are going to admit to being sexually active or having problems with drugs or alcohol etc with a parent in the room. I agree and that's why I didnt insist on going and I didn't insist on knowing what they spoke about unless it was something that I "had" to know.
Like I said, for important visits, I was there and went in after the exam was over to talk to the doctor. some might think it's neglect to not show up for a tooth cleaning or sports physical- I find that laughable to be honest, but hey, we all have our opinions. My kids have had the same doc their entire lives, I have a good relationship with him and have been to hundreds of visits over the years for illnesses, broken bones, other issues, etc. I am perfectly comfortable with how that worked out and I know my kids are too. thats what matters to me, not what strangers on a message board think.
I know this is two peas and you get what you get. I appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts and opinions. some I agree with, some I don't, some I think made good points and some are just typical two peas "i'm a better mommy than you are" posturing. |
-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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not2peased
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
Posts: 12,937
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Loc: Northeast
| Posted: 10/7/2012 7:21:47 AM
Her showing up with a pile of paper shows me her injury was not a top priority. She knew he would not show up to pay her bills so she tried to trap him in a public place. It appears that even the dr didn't believe her injury was all that. Who knows, she may have even had a little talking to by the dr.
she and her mother had been emailing and texting him all week demanding he pay for a list of items. I do wonder if the injury was a ploy to get him to meet her.
here's the thing though-he would have met her anyway-she KNOWS that. believe me, she knows he would have loved to meet her for lunch or take her to the dog park or for a walk or whatever.
I dunno, the whole thing is strange and stressful. we talked about it again last night (s/o is pretty upset) he asked my opinion and I told him again he needs to just stay the course with her and make it clear he will not engage with her when she is abusive and that he expects an apology when she acts that way. "expects" the apology-not demanding because if he refused to speak to her until she apologizes he'd never speak to her again-or at least not for a lot of years. he will continue to try and spend time with her and let her know he cares and walk away from her when she gets abusive.
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-Kerry
Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.
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I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!
PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
Posts: 19,752
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Loc: California, NY & Orlando
| Posted: 10/7/2012 7:28:27 AM
If either of my kids behaved like that I'd leave their sorry little bodies there too. I don't care how 'traumatized' they might be by a divorce, NOTHING excuses that kind of behavior!!
OP, your S/O sounds like a really decent man. One who is trying his best to be a good dad. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your child, is walk away. Sometimes it doesn't matter how many back flips you perform, it's never good enough. The fact he has drawn a line in the sand, with regard to abusive behavior, is a good thing. I disagree with pandering to an obnoxious teenager. One day she'll realize what a good dad she has, and the fact he stood up to her, and refused to be a party to abuse, will stand in good stead when she finally grows up. | |
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dottyscrapper
PeaAddict
PeaNut 311,985
April 2007
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Loc: UK
| Posted: 10/7/2012 7:35:50 AM
I don't think she's crying out for attention at all. I think she's an entitled little brat and needs to learn how to respect her father. Too bad her mother is probably egging her on.
^^^^^ that!
My feet wouldn't have touched the ground if I had spoken to my father like that.
I agree that she's probably being influenced by her mother and more than likely has been for a number of years.
As for the child support does the daughter actually know how much he's paying and that he is still paying for both children even though he only needs to pay for one.
Is it possible that her Mom tells her a different story?
Another thing to consider, is it possible that the daughter also suffers from BPD.
I hope you can sort it out soon for everyone. You're S/O sounds like a very caring Dad who doesn't deserve to be treated like this by any 17 year old let alone a daughter that he tries so hard to be a part of her life.
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Sue_Pea
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 36,163
April 2002
Posts: 9,925
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| Posted: 10/7/2012 7:36:25 AM
No advice, but I am sorry for all involved. I hope that your SO's daughter is able to work through her anger. To lash out like that in public at the age of 17-that sounds like some serious rage. | |
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pelirroja
EncycloPEAdia
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September 2001
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Sarah*H
Bring me that horizon!
PeaNut 239,162
December 2005
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Loc: The final frontier
| Posted: 10/7/2012 7:44:17 AM
I've been thinking about this since I read it yesterday. FWIW, I do think your dh sounds like a loving dad who is trying to do his best in a horrible situation. But somewhere along the road his daughter realized she could speak to him and act that way and get away with it. She's 17 so I don't know what he can do about it now but neither do I think taking the passive route (ignoring her outbursts, forgiving her to show up for lunch the next week) or just walking away are the answer. It is simply not acceptable for a child to talk to a parent that way. For that matter, it's simply not acceptable for any human being to behave that way. That is not how normal people function in our society - that's how histrionic, over the top dramatic people function.
Like I said, since she's 17 I don't know what he can do about it anymore but I feel like both her parents let her down if they've allowed her to grow up thinking this is an okay way to behave. If I remember, her mom truly is mentally ill which makes it all the more sad that her dad has not exerted enough influence in her life to be able to check this kind of behavior the second it starts. Does he have any leeway left in the court that he could require her to attend therapy? |
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dottyscrapper
PeaAddict
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April 2007
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| Posted: 10/7/2012 7:53:16 AM
Clearly she's not getting what she's looking for from her father and it will continue until he figures out a way to crack the code and respond in a way that she feels "he gets it".
What code with that be ? - Whoo Hoo I've got my own way. If I stamp my feet,shout & scream obscenities I'll get everything I want ? | |
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pelirroja
EncycloPEAdia
PeaNut 21,146
September 2001
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heartcat
International Association of Epic Length Posters
PeaNut 51,429
October 2002
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Loc: Where dreams come true
| Posted: 10/7/2012 8:13:56 AM
I was getting on a bus, transfering buses, and going to orthodontist appointments to get fitted for an appliance when I was 11. Their hours were limited and neither of my parents could really take time off of work. It was no big deal. I have always accompanied my children to appointments, but our family doctor and dentist live in another city so until they drive there is no choice anyways.
I accompany them into the exam room at the beginning of a doctor visit, (12 and 15) then I leave and let them have some alone time, for the very reason Kerry states. We have a close and open relationship but that doesn't mean that at some point there might not be something they are afraid or embarassed to share with me, ask about, or just want to keep private. I don't want my presence to keep them from being able to talk to their doctor. I also want them to establish a relationship with their care providers that is their own.
Regarding s/o leaving his daughter at the doctor's, I don't think that it was inappropriate under the circumstances. They came in separate vehicles, and were leaving that way anyways. It's not as though he left her stranded.
I might have waited in the parking lot then tried to approach her when she came out, to see if she'd cooled down some and to give her one last chance. But I can understand why he'd be at the point where he might feel some time and space was needed and that they should both be calmer before attempting to talk any more.
I can understand that there are probably reasons why the teen is behaving as she does, and that make me sympathetic. And she probably does need some kind of professional help. And perhaps to be away from her mother. I might have missed it in your posts, but has your s/o tried to talk to her about living with him? Despite custody arrangements, usually by that age most courts will allow a teen to decide which parent they want to live with.
From all that I have read from you over the years, you seem to be someone who is sensible, intelligent and discerning, able to look at a situation clearly even when in the midst of it. So I would imagine you have a pretty clear grasp on the true nature of the situation and able to be fairly objective.
Whatever the reasons for his dd's behaviour, it is unacceptable, and it's not doing 'her' any good either. I don't know what the answer is, but I do not think setting boundaries and letting her know that what she is doing is not acceptable, with clear and immediate consequences, is wrong.
Best of luck to you all. |
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recap.pea
PeaFixture
PeaNut 288,074
December 2006
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| Posted: 10/7/2012 8:20:30 AM
First, I think he should have said he couldn't take her. The mom works from home and lives close to the dr. office. Now the on could have had a commitment and not have been able to go but if that were the case, I could understand DH taking her to the dr.
She was totally wrong to speak to him that way and afterwards, he should have set her straight. However, I think it was wrong of him to leave her there (and actually a bit immature to do so)
He could have told the front desk to tell his daughter that he would be waiting for her in the parking lot.
We the ex and the daughter started yelling at him, he should have said that he was not going to discuss the money and that was that.
I think your DH needs to apologize to her for leaving her but also tell her that he will, under no certain terms, allow her to speak that way to him again. |
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guzismom
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 31,617
March 2002
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| Posted: 10/7/2012 8:29:45 AM
I don't know what country you are in, but I know for a fact that the doctor will not treat your child, order tests, etc. without your consent...so it is unlikely that they would order a $6000 MRI if the child's mother or father did not authorize it. Hell, they won't even give my daughter a tylenol without my written permission at school. Does this urgent care clinic have a signed, written authorization to treat the child without the parent being present? I seriously doubt it...but of course, I'm sure you'll come back and say they DO.
I feel sorry for the kids involved in this nightmare. And reading stories like yours makes me thankful my mother did NOT date or remarry after my parents divorce. |
Marilyn (now in New Mexico!!)
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o-pea-one
PeaFixture
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April 2006
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| Posted: 10/7/2012 8:30:35 AM
While my stepdaughter lives several states away, and we haven't had this issue, I had to comment.
When my dsd was 15 and visiting, she said my husband was a bun, as her hadn't paid child support in years according to her mother and they were owed thousands. My Dh was prepared. He showed her the times he hadn't when he was unemployed ( not a valid reason I know), and how he caught up the minute he could. He logged into the site with her right there so she could verify it. She was surprised to find out just how much he was paying.
We have always been of the mindset that we will not bad mouth her mother, she had to learn on her own, that neither of her parents are perfect. She is now 20, and it breaks my heart that she has realized just how many lies and how ugly her mom can be.
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Heather
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