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Posted 10/6/2012 by not2peased in NSBR Board
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shecallsmenana
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Posted: 10/7/2012 8:49:25 AM
Sounds like the dd's mother has been feeding her dd full of negatives about the dad. My sister did that very same thing to her kids about their dad. To this day they hate their dad bc he didn't do this or pay mom child support. And for 15 years I heard the kids bitching about how much their dad owed their mom and what an a-hole he was etc etc. Id let my sister know that was not between her and the kids it was her and X's problem. But anything she could do to make x look like an ass. And this man would have been a much better father if he was given a chance. (he really would have done a much better job then my sister but she drove him away). Part of me sees why he left but the other part is angry he didn't fight for his kids

I detest parents that do that because that ruins who the kid is. Hopefully one day she will wake up and realize her dad wasn't that bad after all. In the meantime he needs to set boundaries up with her and make her respect them

No problem letting her walk home. My kids would have never ever ever disrespected me or any adult like that ever!!!! As a mother I would have dropped kick their ass into next week had they done it. Sounds like her mother has some serious issues

nlwilkins
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Posted: 10/7/2012 9:29:37 AM
I've been thinking about this situation (could not sleep last night so many things were going through my mind.)

It seems to me your s/o is handling his daughter's rudeness and temper tantrums by just walking away and avoiding them. And somewhere along the line she learned she could use these tantrums and get away with it. s/o needs to try something new, like in a calm voice say when she is through yelling he will talk, and just standing there watching her yell waiting on her to get through with her tantrum.

Nothing seems to calm a tantrum in a 17 year old like someone calmly standing there, watching and smiling and almost laughing at the show. Perhaps submit a comment or two about how red her face is getting, or maybe a comment about how her eyes seem to squint so funny when she is yelling. Its hard to get in this frame of mind when the person yelling is your daughter and is saying things to break your heart on purpose. But, walking away is not doing anyone any good.

So no I don't feel it was right to leave the daughter there for strangers to deal with her anger. Letting her go to a doctor by herself is OK, but not leaving her in that mood and acting that way is not OK.

Another thing that struck me is the fact that your s/o can see the damage her mother is doing but is not moving heaven and earth to get her out of that situation. Surely, he can document the mother's behavior and work towards getting the daughter in a better, more loving home.


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Posted: 10/7/2012 9:45:33 AM

Nothing seems to calm a tantrum in a 17 year old like someone calmly standing there, watching and smiling and almost laughing at the show. Perhaps submit a comment or two about how red her face is getting, or maybe a comment about how her eyes seem to squint so funny when she is yelling. Its hard to get in this frame of mind when the person yelling is your daughter and is saying things to break your heart on purpose. But, walking away is not doing anyone any good.



seriously? YOu don't think almost laughing, pointing out how she looks, etc isn't going to encite more rage?

And she's 17. I think he'd have a hell of time getting her to live with him if that's not what she wants. Then you have a whole other problem between her and her mother, who's probably jerking her for 'loyalty'.



not2peased
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Posted: 10/7/2012 10:04:04 AM

Being a teenaged stepdaughter is not easy or fun and unless you've been one, please treat her gently even if you feel like being mean or cruel to her. (Being a divorced Mom doesn't count: you have to actaully have been a teenaged stepdaughter to really understand). She feels abandoned and invisible and the behavior she's receiving just reinforces that feeling of abandonment since he left her alone at the doctors. I agree the verbal abuse was unacceptable but your s/o needs to develop better coping skills and reactions to her. Clearly she's not getting what she's looking for from her father and it will continue until he figures out a way to crack the code and respond in a way that she feels "he gets it".

P.S.: She's lucky the doctor didn't call the police for disorderly conduct in their office. I don't think your s/o or his daughter are in the right in this situation.


I WAS a teenaged stepdaughter-and one who was treated like a second class citizen in my dad's home, so yeah, I DO get it. I do not treat his children badly (ask their grandparents, LOL-they think I'm the best person in the world and always thank me for the way I've treated their grandkids and who has higher expectations than grandma and grandpa? lol)

I also have a stepfather who was very, very good to me. he didn't love me like his own kids and I understood and accepted that. He cares about me a lot, and treated me kindly and I think he is a wonderful stepfather and a wonderful grandfather to my kids. that's what I have always strived for with my stepkids.

I've seen all sides of the divorce equation and have worked very hard over the years to do the right thing. I dont do everything right and I know I've made many mistakes but I HAVE been in the situation you described so I do feel like I have an excellent handle on the situation and how it's viewed from all sides.

as for him "accepting" her behavior he HAS had issues in the past with standing up to his kids and imposing consequences so there is definitely some valid points some make with respect to her feeling it's ok to treat him that way. He HAS been reluctant to deal with bad behavior when they were with us and it did at times cause issues between s/o and I as I felt it was unfair that my kids were disciplined and his were not. so yes, in one respect he has created this situation. unfortunately, things have reached the point where he can no longer ignore the behavior so yes, he is reaping what he has helped to sow. one thing I do find interesting about some responses is the "pass" issue that so many give kids of divorce. If I came here telling you about how my kids screamed fuck you at me, I'd be told my kids were brats and how I needed to either kick them out or kick their asses (after all, my kids are children of divorce as well and yes, they have a stepmom in the picture as well)yet when a "step" is even remotely in the picture then it's a cry for help from a poor little girl who just can't help it. I was in the same situation myself and despite how poorly my father treated us I would never, ever in a million years speak to ANY adult like that-let alone a parent. makes me wonder what goes on in some people's world if screaming fuck you over and over at a parent is acceptable behavior-regardless of the "reason" behind it.

as for the mom and her mental issues-s/o has been to court a MINIMUM of 20 times over the years for various issues related to her parenting, money, etc. we both have always made it crystal clear to both kids they were welcome to live with us-of course I understand why they didn't-they have friends, a school system they have been in since kindergarten, and despite how effed up their mother is-they DO love her. he has tried to get them in counseling, tried to get the court to enforce visitation, tried everything he can to no avail. I've shared over the years numerous crazy things shes done-at this point, s/o has given up on the courts-they offer NO help whatsoever and at this point in time no judge is going to award him custody or make the kids see him if they dont want to.

seriously, thanks again very interesting thoughts and points of view from many.


-Kerry


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not2peased
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Posted: 10/7/2012 10:28:25 AM

I don't know what country you are in, but I know for a fact that the doctor will not treat your child, order tests, etc. without your consent...so it is unlikely that they would order a $6000 MRI if the child's mother or father did not authorize it. Hell, they won't even give my daughter a tylenol without my written permission at school. Does this urgent care clinic have a signed, written authorization to treat the child without the parent being present? I seriously doubt it...but of course, I'm sure you'll come back and say they DO.

I feel sorry for the kids involved in this nightmare. And reading stories like yours makes me thankful my mother did NOT date or remarry after my parents divorce.


I am sure that her mom signed for the MRI when she brought her to the appt and I am also sure that if her father or mother had said no to the MRI it wouldnt have happened. I know you want to believe I'm the wicked witch of the west but I had NO INTENTION of trying to stop her from getting the MRI. did I think it was likely frivolous? yes, I did but I'd be some kind of asshole if I tried to prevent it, don't you think? LOL. she's not my child and I have no say (as it should be!)

My kids have been to the doctor numerous times without me and no one ever asked me to sign anything (even when I went with them to the doctor)I GUESS it could have been an 18 year oversight but somehow I doubt it. the clinic they went to was a fairly large one-associated with a very well known hospital system. perhaps you or another pea detective can try and figure out which one it was and report me or them cuz clearly I or they were breaking the law-that's in addition to being a shitty mom and shitty stepmom

and NO, I am quite sure there was no signed, authorization form at the clinic-I really have no reason to lie to a bunch of strangers on the internet, but whatever, some people see the glass as half full and can't believe a stepparent might not be an evil monster who is a negative influence.

as for being happy your mother never remarried-having MY MOM remarry was one of the BEST things that ever happened to ME. I gained a great stepdad, 4 siblings whom I love dearly and many, many years of happy family memories. I find it sad your mom never met anyone because I wouldnt trade the years I had with my "family" for anything. I didn't cause the issues between s/o and his daughter and I didn't/don't make them worse-despite what you prefer to believe.

I have tons of pictures of my kids and s/o and his doing all kinds of fun things together-our trip to DC, disney, NYC, amusement parks,camping trips, day trips to the lake, to the ocean, to boston, etc you may choose to believe those memories are false and no good can come from being a blended family but I KNOW we had lots of fun together and shared a lot of laughs. but hey, perhaps they are excellent actors and hated every second they had to be around my loathsome evil stepparent-ness. they got to do and see a lot of things they never would have been able to if I hadn't been in the picture-perhaps in your mind that has no value. Our kids all got along well together (and continue to)perhaps you dont realize that if s/o hadn't met me, he'd STILL be a divorced dad and his ex would STILL be a crazy person. me being in the picture doesnt change the essential elements of his relationship with his daughter. before I met him his ex was causing ALL kinds of issues and playing all kinds of stupid games.


-Kerry


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Posted: 10/7/2012 10:40:30 AM

perhaps you or another pea detective can try and figure out which one it was and report me or them cuz clearly I or they were breaking the law-that's in addition to being a shitty mom and shitty stepmom


Well, I think I know but it wouldn't be me. I have better things to do than get all up in someone's business like that. Besides, obviously the clinic didn't see a problem with it. If they needed you for routine stuff, they'd tell you.



simplekelly
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Posted: 10/7/2012 11:39:16 AM

I know this is two peas and you get what you get. I appreciate hearing everyone's thoughts and opinions. some I agree with, some I don't, some I think made good points and some are just typical two peas "i'm a better mommy than you are" posturing.
LOL. SO SO true!

I think he did exactly the correct thing. I feel so bad for him. Because the courts haven't done anything for his kids he's doing everything he can within the confines of the law. I pray that his daughter can one day see and understand his sane influence on her life. Has his son seen how sane his dad has been through all the years of pure crazy his mom dishes out?


best,


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pennyring
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Posted: 10/7/2012 11:51:04 AM
2 things:

1. The mother has turned the daughter against her father. The mother has manipulated this situation. The daughter is a pawn. I feel sorry for her.

2. The daughter is a brat, but really I think she just wants to be loved and cared for by her Dad. She feels he doesn't love her BECAUSE the mom is manipulative. The daughter is not at fault. She's acting a fool because the mother encourages it.

It's just sad.




SabrinaM
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Posted: 10/7/2012 11:51:53 AM
I always side with children caught in the middle of adults and their relationship shannigans.

This child is obviously desperate for attention from her Dad. Her behavior is an unnacceptable way of dealing with it. She's young caught in the middle and has no control what is obviously a shitty situation. How do you expect her to behave?


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simplekelly
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Posted: 10/7/2012 12:22:03 PM

How do you expect her to behave?
let's just start with not opening the door in a drs office and screaming FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. I would expect her to behave without screaming horrible words at her dad.

I know what you're thinking....gosh simplekelly has WAY TOO HIGH expectations.


best,


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Posted: 10/7/2012 1:00:08 PM
The poster who mentioned that perhaps the daughter has BPD as well--that was my first thought, too, even before I read that the mother has BPD. Something sounds terribly off, mentally, with this poor girl.

Assuming she is not mentally ill, then my next thought is that your SO's method of leaving his DD when she goes into tantrum mode might be making the situation worse. I absolutely understand that he is trying to set a boundary with her, but it may just be reinforcing her feelings of being ignored and/or abandoned. It may be her perception that he is ignoring her anger and not engaging with her, because he doesn't care about her. Which fuels her rage even more.

If your SO can't get his DD into counseling, perhaps the next best thing would be for him to visit a counselor and get some ideas about the best way to respond to her when she acts inappropriately.


Janelle



Belia
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Posted: 10/7/2012 1:09:45 PM
I think that there are 2 sides to every story.

not2peased
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Posted: 10/7/2012 2:02:12 PM

How do you expect her to behave?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

let's just start with not opening the door in a drs office and screaming FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. I would expect her to behave without screaming horrible words at her dad.

I know what you're thinking....gosh simplekelly has WAY TOO HIGH expectations.






LOL, no kidding!!!

I expect her to have a modicum of respect for adults. of course she's entitled to be angry, of course she is entitled to express that anger but if you think that kind of behavior is expected when someone is hurting-then I think that is all kinds of effed up.


-Kerry


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sagehelena
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Posted: 10/7/2012 2:22:21 PM

The poster who mentioned that perhaps the daughter has BPD as well--that was my first thought, too, even before I read that the mother has BPD. Something sounds terribly off, mentally, with this poor girl.


This. Was she always like this?

Makes me nervous to read. My BF of several months has a young child (I am divorced with 2 kids), also with a mom who I think totally has BPD. Kerry, I have read your story, and wonder a little bit if I am looking into my future, yikes! But you seem to be really thoughtful about trying to handle the situation, and I applaud that.


*Amanda*

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Posted: 10/7/2012 2:26:29 PM
I think Mystie's idea to either get her into counseling with her Dad or to get him to a counselor to find out how to properly respond is a good one.

As to the age thing, I'm with Peabay. Just b/c 15-17 y/o can physically make the appt and get there himself, it doesn't mean they should have to. I take my 15 y/o to all appts and it never occurred to me to send him without me or to make him take responsibility for that. My parents did the same for me unless one of us requested that we not and it was ok on both sides. They will be adults soon enough and I have him take on many things so as to prepare for adulthood. I see no reason for medical care to be one of those things, especially for a child who is already feeling dumped, for whatever reason, legit or not.


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Posted: 10/7/2012 2:27:51 PM
Taking out all the craziness in the OP I don't think its right to make a child schedule dr appointments, get them, and be there alone for the whole appointment.

Can a 17 year old do it? Absolutely.

What if there was something wrong with her foot and she didn't get the story right upon translating it to a parent? What if the doctor wanted to do a procedure in the office but couldn't because shes a minor and cant give permission for it to be done?



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Posted: 10/7/2012 2:29:31 PM
I suspect the mother is bad mouthing the father to the daughter. And the daughter is an attention seeker and is trying to verify her mothers accusations of the father.

That girl needs psych help and would greatly benefit from it. She's got done serious problems

BTW: I think a 17yo is plenty old enough to get themselves to and from the doctor alone

My DD started going to her appointments alone when she was 13 because DS was usually napping during her appointments
She was seen at least once a week and spent a lot if time there.
I just had to sign a form saying it was okay for her to be seen without me.
The doctor always called me while DD was still there to let me know what was going on and if she needed tests.


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Posted: 10/7/2012 2:38:44 PM
I feel sorry for the girl. Shes a victim of parental alienation. Her mother has put her in the middle of a financial dispute with her father. And the girl is probably subjected to a barrage of bullshit about her father. To prove her allegance to her mother, shes acting out towards her father.

Shame on the mother.

As far as leaving the girl at the doctor, I probably would have done the same thing. That kind of attack is hard to take from your almost-grown child.

You need to step back and just support your SO and try to be supportive of his daughter. This mess isnt her fault. Shes the victim here.

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Posted: 10/7/2012 4:00:58 PM

I don't think its right to make a child schedule dr appointments, get them, and be there alone for the whole appointment.

Can a 17 year old do it? Absolutely.



Why not? If you put them behind the wheel of a car it certainly is right to let them start taking charge of their own health.

There is a chance she has inherited BPD. I think her father should consult with a psychiatrist that works with bipolar teens and see if they can determine if she has it. Especially if this behavior has come on recently.



myboysnme
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Posted: 10/7/2012 4:15:06 PM

The fact that the mother has BPD is a major factor--her dad has left her with someone who is likely volatile and impulsive and manipulative.


There is a stereotype of about mental illness that it means those with mental illness cannot parent. I reject this premise. I am an LCSW and I do not espouse this philosophy.

Aside from that, how come on these threads the step kid is always the terror and the step mom or dad's new SO is the one looking to point out every bad thing about someone else's kid? I look at it as though if he and her mom were still together, he should do whatever he would do for her. If he would buy her a car he should buy her a car. If he would go with her to the doctor he should go. Parents don't divorce their kids, but that's what it feels like to the kid.

The fact he lives an hour away with someone not her mom already makes the situation primed for volatility. I know there a million reasons why, but if his daughter needs him, he should be there.

So it sounds to me like your DH tries to do the right thing, and he should not have left her at the doctor. She is a minor. If OP would leave their kid, that is your kid to leave. I would not leave mine.

There is a whole lot more history to this family dynamic than can be figured out in this post, but in many ways it looks like typical child of acrimonious divorce behavior.


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Posted: 10/7/2012 4:57:57 PM
I am not a stepchild, so I won't comment on that part. I used to ride my bike to my dentist appointments when I was in my early teens however. I loved doing that. And when I turned 16 and had my drivers license I would drive myself to my doctor for things like strep tests or sinus infections.

My daughter is ten, and while I drive her to the dentist I have her go to the desk and check herself in and speak to the receptionist. Our hygienist comes to get her and she goes back to her appointment by herself. She requires a ton of practice speaking to adults though, so this has been good for her to handle on her own. I see nothing wrong with a 17 year old driving herself to her doctor for a pain in her foot.


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not2peased
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Posted: 10/7/2012 6:49:03 PM

Aside from that, how come on these threads the step kid is always the terror and the step mom or dad's new SO is the one looking to point out every bad thing about someone else's kid?


because I felt like venting my frustration about this specific situation here. I have my frustrations and not all of them involve my stepkids. you may not be aware of this-but when you can't control a situation and you see something happening with someone you love it tends to make you feel sad, and helpless and yes, angry those are the types of situations I will sometimes choose to vent about. because it's not my kids I can't fix it-I have to watch and when I feel helpless to help-I find that the most difficult for ME. I'm a problem solver and a fixer-it's who I am. I can't fix this and it's hard for me-sorry you find that so awful. I am sure others have their own triggers -this one is mine. there are times I don't like my stepkids. there are times I don't like MY kids and there sure as shit been times when my s/o didn't like my kids.

I guarantee you if he were on two peas he would have plenty to say about situations he's experienced with being downright disgusted and fed up with my kids too. it's not like I dont have anything good to say about my stepkids-I do. it's not like I'm here-every other day-bitching and complaining about them-or bitching and complaining about anything else for that matter. I'm a pretty happy person overall but sometimes I get upset. I know the best mommies in the world don't ever feel that way but I never pretended to be perfect.

parenting kids is messy and it's extra messy when they aren't all your own and there are other people involved in the situation.

and for the record, I never said someone who is mentally ill cannot or should not parent children. one of the best parents I know is bipolar. he did a great job raising his nieces when his sister became profoundly disabled and unable to care for them. He's not the only person I know with a mental illness who is parenting children successfully-I know it can be done.

in the case of s/o's ex wife she has caused an enormous amount of upset and heartache over the years. for her kids, for my kids, for my s/o, for the grandparents, for me, etc. the woman has blown up every single relationship in her life and she is as corrosive as battery acid. I don't like her. I don't like the way she acts and I long for the day I don't ever have to be subjected to one of her freakish tirades and other harrasssment.

if that makes me some kind of jerk, so be it.


-Kerry


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Pretty In PeaNK

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Posted: 10/7/2012 7:51:57 PM
I know you say he's always there for her, but from what I gather it really does seem she feels abandoned and uncared for. And yes, her behavior is not okay.

I know you mentioned how SO, you, his daughter and your kids frequently did things like Disney, camping, etc. You also mentioned they are now adults and aren't around much anymore? Is it possible that now that your kids have left the nest, that there has been a huge drop in trips or activities that were once done as a group?

I know if I were 17 and my dad all of a sudden stopped doing fun things as a family because his step kids moved out, I'd feel terrible. Like, am I not worthy of a trip to Disney? Or is it only worth it if step kids are there? You said so yourself you don't like her like your own kids, and as women we do most of the planning of trips, etc. I'm curious if you just don't want to do anything with just the three of you, so there haven't planned anything lately.

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Posted: 10/7/2012 7:59:51 PM
P.S.: She's lucky the doctor didn't call the police for disorderly conduct in their office. I don't think your s/o or his daughter are in the right in this situation.



I agree with that. I also agree with other posters that he should try to get some counseling with her. If she refuses to go he should at least go by himself to learn how to set some boundaries with her.

If anything he should read the Boundaries book. Again I firmly believe that this is one of the many reasons why Drs. Cloud and Townsend wrote the "Boundaries" book.


~*Melissa*~

BethAnneM
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Posted: 10/7/2012 8:05:41 PM
First off...I don't know of any doctor that will treat a minor child under the age of 18 without a parent present. I agree with PeaBay and Batya on that point.

My DD tried to get treated in the urgent care the night before she turned 18 (she had a bad fever)and they turned her away. She needed to have a parent.

As for the rest...there are two sides to every story and this kid has some issues that need to be addressed by HER parents.




Pretty In PeaNK

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Posted: 10/7/2012 8:06:48 PM
Just curious, did you witness her outburst at the doctor's office, or was the story just told to you by your SO?

finally~a~mama
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Posted: 10/7/2012 10:43:33 PM
I'm curious, does the DD get to go to her Dad's home? You mentioned lots of trips & dad going to meet her for lunch, etc. But does she ever get to go to his house to hang out & just be a family?

It sounds like she is very angry & doesn't know how to control herself. I understand why your S/O would react to that behavior in the way he did, but it doesn't sound like his response his helping/fixing the situation.

Maybe they would both benefit from some counseling sessions with a neutral third party. Mom may very well be telling her all kinds of lies & this would give Dad an opportunity to hear about them & correct them. A professional could also teach the DD ways to control herself & help Dad figure out a new approach to her outbursts.




leftturnonly
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Posted: 10/8/2012 12:34:43 AM
{{{Hugs}}}



The fact that the mother has BPD is a major factor--her dad has left her with someone who is likely volatile and impulsive and manipulative. No wonder she's angry. Underneath all that anger is a lot of fear. She knows just how unstable her mother and how tenuous their relationship is.

I'm glad to hear your SO is totally committed to his DD--given her current living situation it's important that she knows one of her parents will be there for her.



The poster who mentioned that perhaps the daughter has BPD as well--that was my first thought, too, even before I read that the mother has BPD. Something sounds terribly off, mentally, with this poor girl.

Assuming she is not mentally ill, then my next thought is that your SO's method of leaving his DD when she goes into tantrum mode might be making the situation worse. I absolutely understand that he is trying to set a boundary with her, but it may just be reinforcing her feelings of being ignored and/or abandoned. It may be her perception that he is ignoring her anger and not engaging with her, because he doesn't care about her. Which fuels her rage even more.

If your SO can't get his DD into counseling, perhaps the next best thing would be for him to visit a counselor and get some ideas about the best way to respond to her when she acts inappropriately.



She sounds very scared to me, too.

If she spends much time alone in her house or alone with her mother, there's a lot that might be going on in her thoughts and emotions that she isn't telling you.

I don't know her, I don't know her father, or mother....... so this is only a possibility I'm throwing out there......

She knows her dad loves her and around him, her demeanor breaks and she can't hold all the emotion in any longer.






If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



eriusa
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Posted: 10/8/2012 12:39:58 AM
No doctor will treat a 15 year old or 17 year old without the parent being there.


I must add, you don't know shit about doctors.


Erica

leftturnonly
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Posted: 10/8/2012 12:42:42 AM

in the case of s/o's ex wife she has caused an enormous amount of upset and heartache over the years. for her kids, for my kids, for my s/o, for the grandparents, for me, etc. the woman has blown up every single relationship in her life and she is as corrosive as battery acid. I don't like her. I don't like the way she acts and I long for the day I don't ever have to be subjected to one of her freakish tirades and other harrasssment.




Kerry, your SO loves his daughter, but he isn't there. She is spending a lot of time under the strain of her mother's volatility, and I bet every minute of it seems like an eternity.








If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.



Sue_Pea
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Posted: 10/8/2012 4:31:57 AM

I'm fascinated by the fact that so many are focused on whether or not a teen can/should go to an appt. by themselves instead of the girl's appalling behavior. Is that really the point here?

Yes, I feel sorry for her, too-but her public outburst was inexcusable. She is old enough-or should be-to control herself in a public place. And she should certainly be able to refrain from calling her father 4 letter words, ESPECIALLY in public.

ETA: If she won't go to counseling-has he been to counseling by himself? It might help him deal with the situation.

Mariah2
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Posted: 10/8/2012 5:37:52 AM
You know, you titled this what do the peas think. Then no matter what anyone says you tell us we are wrong, way off base, argue about it etc.


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I-95
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Posted: 10/8/2012 6:15:12 AM

You know, you titled this what do the peas think. Then no matter what anyone says you tell us we are wrong, way off base, argue about it etc.



Really? That's not how I've read her responses. She has disagreed with some comments people have made, but people have also made judgements on the relationship between father and daughter that could be way off base, and the OP has said so. She has also thanks everyone for their opinions and suggestions.

Just because some peas *think* the problem is that the dad isn't being there for the child, doesn't make it so. A 17 year old, who is being fed a bunch of propaganda by her mother can become very angry and take it out on her dad, no matter what he does. Just because he's her father doesn't mean he has to put up with being called names and being cussed at. Sure, it may be a cry for help from a confused kid, but sometimes trying to deal with a child who is that angry and acting out, is like trying to hug a mountain lion who is attack mode. Better to walk away and deal with it when she's calm. I wouldn't stick around if one of my kids was being abusive either. Nobody should have to deal with that, and there's no reason a 17 year old can't grasp that concept.

I bet she grasped the concept that if she screamed at him in a public place, that it would embarrass him, and that's exactly what she wanted. I can imagine if he'd stayed and tried to calm her down, it wouldn't have worked, she'd have just tucked that piece of information into her arsenal of weapons to try again next time she's pissed off about something. Counseling would probably help both of them come to some grown up agreement on how to treat each other, but her behavior is unacceptable under any circumstances.

desertpea
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Posted: 10/8/2012 6:38:22 AM
The whole tactic your s/o is using -- the leaving, the cutting off, the hanging up -- is just aggravating the situation. His refusal to engage his daughter and parent her will probably cause his daughter to completely cut him off in the not so distant future.

Neither one of you see this, and probably won't until it is too late. The mother turned the father into an ATM card in the eyes of the child, and it is up to the father to demonstrate he is more than that.

Obviously the daughter doesn't fear her father. She knows exactly what the reaction will be every single time. The father is too predictably using a tactic of disengagement that will never, ever work in this situation. He has to do the complete opposite if he cares about his daughter, and do things like spend time with her or go to her school events or give her advice or anything BUT talk about money with her. Stuff that requires time and not money.

If he doesn't make this effort now, then trying to make up for it when she is older is only going to enlarge the huge amount of distrust the child has for the father as an adult.

GrinningCat
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Posted: 10/8/2012 6:51:33 AM
I have no comment on the whole step daughter thing, I just want to comment on the running theme of:


No doctor will treat a 15 year old or 17 year old without the parent being there.


and that parents who don't take their teen children to the doctors are deadbeats.

First, it may be different in Canada, but doctors can and will treat teens without a parent present. I've seen this happen in provinces across the country. But as I said, maybe this is different between the countries.

The kids in my family are taught around 12 to take themselves to the doctor/dentist. If something major happens at the office, the parents in our family are just a phone call away. Easy peasy. The parents don't need to rearrange their lives for something that can be handled by the teen on their own. By 15, I didn't want my parents at the doctor's office with me... how embarrassing. I could do it on my own. If I needed to relay information, I'd write it down or the office would do it for me (I remember doing this when I was having pre-op consultations when I was 17).

not2peased
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Posted: 10/8/2012 8:13:21 AM
thank you I95 you definitely seem to get it. some do, some don't and that's two peas! its rare for me to share any stepparenting stuff here as there is a distinct bias-stepparents aren't allowed to do or feel anything that bio parents do. it's a complete double standard some are comfortable with-given how many people here have completely dysfunctional relationships with family, friends and even complete strangers, I think I'm ok fielding some of bitchier criticisms-I consider the source, kwim?



-Kerry


Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.

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Posted: 10/8/2012 8:43:31 AM

No doctor will treat a 15 year old or 17 year old without the parent being there.


I must add, you don't know shit about doctors.


You don't know shit. You're using the 'never' principle. And they say 'never say never'.


My DD tried to get treated in the urgent care the night before she turned 18 (she had a bad fever)and they turned her away. She needed to have a parent.



This isn't urgent care. It's her regular doctor. There's a difference. You have no idea of the relationship, etc of these doctors to their patients.



You know, you titled this what do the peas think. Then no matter what anyone says you tell us we are wrong, way off base, argue about it etc.


That's bullshit.


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