So, I Am The Only Pea here Who Is Stressed Out Over Thankgiving?? You Must Have Wonderful Families!

Two Peas is Closing
Click here to visit our final product sale. Click here to visit our FAQ page regarding the closing of Two Peas.

Posted 11/16/2012 by SweetieBugs in NSBR Board
1 2 >
 

SweetieBugs
PeaAddict

PeaNut 56,437
November 2002
Posts: 1,622
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern California

Posted: 11/16/2012 5:38:22 PM
So, my problem is that I am the only "do'er" doing anything for Thanksgiving. Everyone else just comes to enjoy it while I do ALL the work.

It started off many, many years ago that if I asked my MIL to do a vegtable dish, she would show up with a bag of dirty yams and feel she was done with it. Luckily, my mom still lived here and prepared the yams for me that year. After that, the following year I asked my SIL to do a vegtable dish and she brought 2 bags of those steam-in-a-bag greenbeans and half the greenbeans had turned bad (they were slimy and mushy). One year, my MIL made a faux apple pie with just mushy, what tasted like stale bad generic ritz crackers and she swore it was real apple pie!!!

It is like they are kids and intentionally doing a bad job so they won't have to do anything next time. My mom lived in the area for a number of years and she would help save the day most of the time by bringing a number of really nice side dishes very well prepared. However, she moved away a few years ago and now it is just my family with my MIL, FIL, SIL and her 3 teen sons.

This year is the total kicker!! My SIL didn't even ask to help, she just sent a $50 Safeway grocery card. While I really, really appreciate her contributing to the food cost (however, her boys will eat more than all of us adults combined) she has completely asbolved herself from doing anything by doing this. And, my MIL asked my DH to pick up a pie from Costco and that way she wouldn't have to bake this year. So, the turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravey, vegtable dish, rolls, relish plate will all be purchased, prepared and served by me!!!! This is why I am not very thankful for Thanksgiving. I am, on the other hand, very thankful for my DH and my two wonderful, wonderful children and when this is all over, I will go to bed remembering that. To top everything, the IL's will all be staying Thursday night so Friday breakfast and probably lunch are on me as well.

I am sorry if this comes off as petty and non-thankful but I think it should be a two way street of some sort and other than me saying straight up that they need to participate more (which I strongly believe will cause bad feelings), I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Like I said, my DH and children will get me through it. I am thankful that 2Peas is still here after all this time as it has been a nice "home" as well for so many of us.

raindancer
Capt. Sparrow's Pirate Wench

PeaNut 217,886
August 2005
Posts: 16,684
Layouts: 44

Posted: 11/16/2012 5:50:07 PM

I just have to suck it up and deal with it.


You really don't. I don't understand people who play martyr and then complain. Stop inviting them.



~Heidi~



"You can make excuses or you can make progress but you can't make both."

Mystie
Dancing to the end of love.

PeaNut 8,446
December 2000
Posts: 12,064
Layouts: 199
Loc: Newport News, VA

Posted: 11/16/2012 5:55:07 PM
Well, I guess on the bright side...if you're making everything yourself, then you'll know it will taste just the way you want it to! I think if I were you, I'd simplify as much stuff as I could--pre-made pies, frozen rolls, relish plate from the store deli, jarred gravy, Stovetop stuffing, etc. Don't make it too hard on yourself.

I have never hosted a real Thanksgiving dinner--we always either travel or have a small meal, just me and my DH. So I don't find Thanksgiving stressful.

This year we are flying to my SIl's house to be with my DH's family. My DH and I have offered to spring for pizza for the whole family on Wednesday night, when we'll all be arriving, and we'll all pitch in to help my SIL cook the meal on Thursday. My MIL will bring the pies. I don't want the weekend to be a financial burden on my SIL, and I know no one else does, either. In other words, yes, I have a wonderful family.

Ideally, yea, family should pitch in and contribute. Realistically...it just doesn't always happen. I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving, anyway.


Janelle



scrapper100
Budletsmom

PeaNut 65,877
January 2003
Posts: 13,181
Layouts: 30
Loc: So CA

Posted: 11/16/2012 5:55:29 PM
I guess I am just used to it however we are a small family so there aren't a lot of teenagers eating us out of house and home yet. Our DS is the only child there. I have always made most of the food. Some years the rolls are from scratch other times no. One year I even made the bread that went into the stuffing. Now someone brings a bag of rolls - not large but enough as there is so much other food, salad and usually a pie. The things that are brought may not have been exactly what I would buy or make but I have learned in the past few years to just let go and I am happier because of it. I have hosted all but one of the past 17 years and it doesn't seem that big of a deal. The thing that bothered me the most was when no one bothered to help DH and I clean up. That pissed me off. MIL often has to leave early to go to another meal (this just started and no idea if it is happening this year or not). I find this the least stressful holiday as there are less of us than at Christmas but the family drama hits on Christmas and Easter and I dread it. I have almost planned vacations at that time to avoid it but I know that my DS loves his cousins so I endure the hassle. Hosting means we are in charge and there is less disappointment in others than if we go someplace else for the meal.

If I had to make the whole meal it doesn't bother me at all but I admit this year it would mean a Costco pumpkin pie and a Claim Jumper apple pie (frozen and then baked here).


Patti

ksuheather
low-information individual

PeaNut 190,373
February 2005
Posts: 8,196
Layouts: 0
Loc: wherever the army sends us

Posted: 11/16/2012 5:55:30 PM
I guess I don't see what is so evil about sending a grocery gift card. What is the alternative? She's a bad cook so she sent $$.

I came to the conclusion several years ago that holidays can only stress you out if you let it. Are families perfect, nope, not by a long shot but it just doesn't bother me.



A veteran is someone who, at one
point in his life, wrote a blank check
made payable to 'The United States of
America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'


cmpeter
PEAceful Pea

PeaNut 14,521
April 2001
Posts: 37,572
Layouts: 31
Loc: Washington State

Posted: 11/16/2012 5:57:24 PM
I think I would start going out to dinner on Thanksgiving.


Cindi
Uploaded with iPhone client

*theCakeGirl*
PeaFixture

PeaNut 220
April 1999
Posts: 3,815
Layouts: 148
Loc: Upstate NY

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:13:29 PM
Nope! Our extended family is just as screwed up as the next. So we straight up don't deal with the drama anymore. Who needs stress?! Not us! So we have peaceful Thanksgiving dinners amoungst ourselves. It still a family affair and a wonderful bonding experience. The 13 & 14 yo DD's are learning to cook so they help out tremendously and the 7yo DD helps where she can. Last year I was sick as can be, but the kids and DH stepped up and filled in for me beautifully.


http://www.nomadescollection.com/denisem

scraps_of_time
AncestralPea

PeaNut 196,615
March 2005
Posts: 4,599
Layouts: 2
Loc: in front of my computer - where else would I be?

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:21:50 PM
No stress. It will just be dh and I. He has asked for steak for dinner.




Rhonda

eebud
Doxie Pea Mom

PeaNut 52,841
October 2002
Posts: 33,484
Layouts: 25

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:22:24 PM
What lowered my stress level greatly about hosting any large meal was not depending on anyone to bring any dish. Some people are not dependable and it looks like you found that out the hard way. If someone says they want to bring something, I have them bring something that it doesn't matter if it doesn't show up such as an extra dessert or an extra side dish. Once I knew that I was doing it all myself and not depending on and hoping others come through, it really reduced my stress. Now, I do all the cooking. I ask them to clean up!! LOL

If this won't work for you and if it will continue to be stressful, then stop hosting.





Hans on left, Bud in middle, Gretchen on right

peapermint
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 9,321
January 2001
Posts: 9,572
Layouts: 0
Loc: all up in your business

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:24:29 PM
I avoid all this by not hosting any holidays.

Ms. Liz
Practically Perfect in Every Way

PeaNut 199,404
April 2005
Posts: 7,374
Layouts: 2
Loc: deep in the hundred acre woods

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:24:36 PM

Who is forcing you to do this every year?

Just stop it.

Stop hosting.

Really, you hate it so just don't do it anymore.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny, But it keeps them on the knife.



squillen
Tier 1 Baking Pea

PeaNut 133,550
February 2004
Posts: 39,602
Layouts: 331
Loc: Hudson Valley, NY

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:35:06 PM
I'm going to post before reading any of the replies, but I think you should stop inviting them. They obviously see your home as Thanksgiving buffetland where all they have to do is show up.

Next year, plan a simple Thanksgiving dinner just for your immediate family and let everyone else figure out their own dinner.

Don't allow yourself to be the martyr. You will come to LOVE Thanksgiving without that stress.



Nancie52
PeaFixture

PeaNut 452,927
January 2010
Posts: 3,047
Layouts: 23
Loc: Mass

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:36:18 PM

I'm plenty stressed. Our offer to host snowballed by extended family inviting more extended family and now we need to figure out how we're going to squeeze 32 people into our home


I cook every year.. and my guest list snowballed as well this year.. I don't have enough dishes!! LOL..

but most are helpful and are bringing something.. and DH helps a LOT..

lovemybabes
PeaAddict

PeaNut 467,201
May 2010
Posts: 1,387
Layouts: 0
Loc: Where the Army sends us

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:36:26 PM
If this causes you so much stress...then why do it?

I am not trying to be snarky at all, but I just wouldn't bother. Take you & yours out to dinner or head off for the weekend on a mini vacation.

((HUGS)) I am so sorry this is making you feel stressed. I would let this one be the last one. Let everyone know this is your last year hosting. Then just be with your family.


{{{My siggy is gone now...due to the crazies that want to be crazy.}}}

UkSue
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
Posts: 5,008
Layouts: 2
Loc: Greater London

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:42:07 PM

Next year, plan a simple Thanksgiving dinner just for your immediate family and let everyone else figure out their own dinner.


This is how I feel. Or invite yourself to your mom, or go away-anything to break this habit! Your husband and children can't possibly be enjoying such a special day with you feeling so stressed,so do them a favour and stop inviting lazy ungrateful relatives.


It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.

squillen
Tier 1 Baking Pea

PeaNut 133,550
February 2004
Posts: 39,602
Layouts: 331
Loc: Hudson Valley, NY

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:42:12 PM

Now, I do all the cooking. I ask them to clean up!! LOL



I think this would be a wonderful trade off! If I'm doing all the cooking, then y'all can do the clean up and dishes. Then I would go sit in front of the football game and enjoy a slice of pie while everyone works in the kitchen.

Or, I would charge people. Maybe they love your cooking so much and know their petty offering isn't anywhere up to your level? If people pay me to make their Thanksgiving, that might be okay, too!



shannoots
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 115,121
November 2003
Posts: 2,500
Layouts: 168
Loc: Cardinal Nation

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:42:31 PM
I try to make as much as I can beforehand. For example, I do make ahead mashed potatoes and just heat them in the crockpot on Thanksgiving. I cut up whatever I can a couple of days before. I try to space it out over a few days and it really cuts back on the stress on the actual day.

I hope they at least clean up! Good luck!


Shannon



Fresh_Peas
PeaFixture

PeaNut 390,672
September 2008
Posts: 3,541
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:43:03 PM
This will be my first thanksgiving without my kids, because of the divorce.
The past two years my ex has skipped his families thanksgiving so I could go with the kids, so I kind of knew this was going to happen eventually.

So my stress is over that, Im sure I will feel som anger sadness and resentment....however, for the actual holiday I will be celebrating with a friend of mine (his wife died a few years ago) and his daughter. we will cook a bare minimum amount to feel like normal folks, and then get drunk.

I'm glad I won't be completely alone.

BOO!
Sunny Side Up!

PeaNut 52,709
October 2002
Posts: 20,615
Layouts: 95
Loc: watching Top Chef Canada

Posted: 11/16/2012 6:56:38 PM
Fresh_peas, I was without my son for thanksgiving last year and booked my self into a kickass photography tour/weekend in our cottage country (Canadian thanksgiving is in October) and I *LOVED* it.

This year, I have my son full time (and still considered going on another photo tour!) Go out and be happy and thankful and the universe will reward you with things to be happy and thankful for. You deserve it.

OP, you teach people how to treat you. Either realize that they are not going to do what you want or stop. Ask for more money and cater. Ask for better help or stop. Decide that this is the only home cooked meal your ILs will enjoy this year. Or not. They can do cleanup. But let go of the resentment or you lose.


Lisa D.J.

Canon 7D:70-200mm f/2.8L:85mm f/1.8:60mm macro and PSCS5


Really Red
Pea-ceful and Hap-pea

PeaNut 24,951
November 2001
Posts: 9,024
Layouts: 1

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:02:25 PM
I have a normal family. Some crazy, some not and we all average out to normal.

I just don't stress over Thanksgiving. My mom would go CRAZY over stuff, but I don't. It's a pretty simple meal. Nothing requires a lot of time and if it does, it's not on my list. Turkey, Mashed potatoes, bread, corn, stringbeans, cranberries, stuffing and pie. I mean that's really on the low list of complicated.

I'm not trying to downplay your stress, but it really is in the way you look at things. For me, getting my house clean is WAY more stressful than cooking! Farm some stuff to your DH. Do you have kids? Give them jobs. My kids were cooking by age 6 so that by age 10 I could have them make pies, potatoes, stuffing, etc. They certainly set the table for me. Last year I worked 32 hours M-W and still had 15 people over for a sit-down on Thursday. Of course, I had super helpful people and since it wasn't my family, they were on the sharp end of normal, so I know that was a huge help. I also had Friday off to clean up everything!

I'm sorry you're stressed. I hope you're able to rethink things.


Andrea

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; But often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us.
Helen Keller

Angieh1996
PeaFixture

PeaNut 49,998
September 2002
Posts: 3,516
Layouts: 191
Loc: Cedar Rapids, Iowa

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:06:35 PM

I'm going to post before reading any of the replies, but I think you should stop inviting them. They obviously see your home as Thanksgiving buffetland where all they have to do is show up.

Next year, plan a simple Thanksgiving dinner just for your immediate family and let everyone else figure out their own dinner.

Don't allow yourself to be the martyr. You will come to LOVE Thanksgiving without that stress.


Suzanne said it beautifully!

I'm stressed out because we are trying to squeeze 15 people into our home which won't hold 15 people My DH loves to cook so he's cooking the entire dinner which my family has come to depend on. My family learned really quick that they are not allowed to interject their thoughts or opinions if they are not willing to help.


A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and will sing it back to you when you forget the words.

Author Unknown


MsChiff
Urban PeaGirl

PeaNut 36,897
April 2002
Posts: 7,278
Layouts: 8
Loc: The city that never sleeps

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:11:34 PM

Either:

(A) Stop inviting them.

OR

( Charge a set amount for each person and order one of those prepared meals from a grocery store/restaurant. If there's any question of there being enough food, plate each person's portion (like at a restaurant) and that's all they get. Use paper plates and plastic utensils/cups and toss them when finished.

OR

(C) Make a super-basic menu -- turkey, gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn or green beans (fairly plain) and a dessert that you've purchased at Costco. Cook the turkey in an oven bag (SUPER easy!); the gravy can be jarred; the stuffing either Stove Top or Pepperidge Farms;, the mashed potatoes can be made ahead, frozen or instant; the corn or green beans can be frozen reheated with a little butter/salt/pepper.

OR

(d) Make reservations.

If it's not your ideal Thanksgiving meal, you can always make your immediate family a nice Thanksgiving-type meal at another time. If they don't like your spread they may decide not to come next year.






Daikon
BucketHead

PeaNut 355,779
January 2008
Posts: 622
Layouts: 0
Loc: CNY

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:13:21 PM


*~~Shiona~~*


Uploaded with iPhone client

FLCindy
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 154,236
June 2004
Posts: 5,811
Layouts: 0
Loc: USA

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:28:14 PM
Have you heard of RESERVATIONS? I bet it would be cheaper for you, DH and kids to go out to a nice turkey dinner. If anyone else wants to go, they can pay their own way.

I also bet you would have less stress.



MrsKLewis
Will I ever get to Buckethead?!

PeaNut 530,601
November 2011
Posts: 493
Layouts: 0
Loc: Crimson Tide Country

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:29:49 PM

How do I not stress about thanksgiving? I keep the stressors away!!
It began with my in laws the Christmas my first child was born. I came home from the hospital TWO days before Christmas. We had Christmas dinner at my house. They destroyed the place and left. Did not pick up a singly piece of wrapping paper nor wash one dish. Back then I did not have a dishwasher. It took 4 years for me to finally speak up. Four years of dreading every holiday. Since then my holidays have been wonderful. I wouldn't allow a friend or stranger to threat me the way they did so why would I let them?
My fav saying when it comes to things like this (and its harsh but true) is by DrPhil 'we teach people how to treat us'. By putting up with it you are saying its ok.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope it gets better!


"Blessed are the children of Scrapbookers, for they shall inherit the Scrapbooks."
Uploaded with iPhone client

AKathy
Peaing From Podunk

PeaNut 45,443
August 2002
Posts: 16,554
Layouts: 93
Loc: North Dakota

Posted: 11/16/2012 7:52:48 PM

You really don't. I don't understand people who play martyr and then complain. Stop inviting them.

Yeah.


***************************************


Mother Goose's Meandering Mind



purplepackrat
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 171,221
October 2004
Posts: 5,278
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/16/2012 8:04:05 PM
You don't describe anything awful. I thought you were going to have some drunk uncle, or some pregnant 14 yo niece or a SIL who lets cigarette ashes fall dish she is preparing. You have people who are willing to let you do your own thing in your kitchen. Some women would kill for that. LOL

I'm not going to say, "don't invite them." It is a family sort of day.
But, heck, put those boys to work. There is a table to be set, dishes to be done. And, rope them into doing the pans and stuff before you sit down to the table. I assume your wonderful kids know where everything is and can help direct the other boys while you go sit down with the adults. They can take out the garbage. Put food away. All sorts of stuff. You can direct if it makes you feel better.

Buy some Cheerios and milk with that card and call it breakfast.

PS: you know how we all know you are being a martyr just to complain? Well, first, cuz its your inlaws and not your own family that you are complaining about hosting. But second -Lunch! We all know what lunch is - its TG leftovers! If you are making a big deal out of post-TG day lunch, you're trying too hard to be miserable. LOL

Anyway, yea, I stress. But having family and friends over makes it worth it, even if I don't particularly care for some of the characters at our table.


_______________________________________________

...that's why they make blue cars and red cars.


Patti

megmc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 497,090
January 2011
Posts: 7,223
Layouts: 1

Posted: 11/16/2012 8:11:22 PM
I like to do it myself. That way i don't stress over who is bring what.

ScrapnGranny
PeaFixture

PeaNut 11,212
February 2001
Posts: 3,586
Layouts: 94

Posted: 11/16/2012 8:26:07 PM
I do all of the shopping (buying) and cooking of everything every year. I enjoy doing it. I'm thankful that I'm in the position to do it. My kids (all adults) would do anything I ask and always offer help. Everyone pitches in and helps with the clean up and that is a huge help. It's a joke in our family that when I can no longer do it we will be eating Boston Market. The time will come for the youngin's to take over, but for now I love this way.


Janet

Granny's Score: Boys 5 ~ Girls 2

And yes, with my background, my opinion is worth more than that of a middle school teacher who can't get her facts straight.~ Batya

Scrapn Nana
PEAring through my camera lens

PeaNut 272,954
August 2006
Posts: 8,491
Layouts: 26

Posted: 11/16/2012 8:29:24 PM
My sister's family go out to dinner.

I fix the whole dinner myself, but I don't live near family. I keep it simple. I do the turkey, stuffing, a couple of vegetables, rolls, and pies. The rolls may come from the store. Sometimes the pies do, too.

And I think that whoever cooks the dinner shouldn't have to put away the food, do the dishes, or cleaning up.

It's your house. You get to decide on the rules. They don't like your rules, they can go out to dinner like my sister does.


My Scrapn' Blog

Photographers are violent people. First they frame you, then they shoot you, then they hang you on the wall; but if you're real good, they will scrapbook you!

TexasBorn
PeaNut

PeaNut 543,185
February 2012
Posts: 425
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/16/2012 8:38:29 PM
We will go to my 79 yr. old Mom's because that's what she wants. We will grumble and wine..(I am 60...lol) but we will enjoy it when we get there and be glad when it's over. Any one of us 4 girls host things at our houses all the time and try to beat her to saying she's having it at her house. We didn't beat her this year...but my youngest sister did take over the planning. She emailed me to bring the turkey and dressing..(my husband cooks the turkey..so I was thrilled). My Mom will insist on making pies and she insist on getting up early Thanksgiving Day to make them. She says this way the pies are stil good the day after Thanksgiving...and I admit she's right. I usually make a couple pies and I do them late the night before..They still come out of the oven Thanksgiving Day. Most holidays we feed as many as 50 people because anybody can come who wants to. Some bring food and some don't.
We don't care. My husband always tells me when I host to not stress out because if there isn't enough he'll go get chicken..lol. Like all other families we have one sister who is always late so we tell her to bring something that we can do without. It took us about ten years to figure that out. Once my Mom is gone we will take over our own families and the family traditions will be up to us. Most of my friends don't have Moms or Dads and if they do they aren't frisky like my Mom and they are envious. I try to look on the bright side. It's just easier that way.

PierKiss
What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists

PeaNut 82,319
April 2003
Posts: 15,081
Layouts: 39

Posted: 11/16/2012 8:42:58 PM
Next year, don't host Thanksgiving, and don't go to their Thanksgiving. Then you can do your own thing, and it won't cost as much, and all the food will be yummy.



aimmer
MultiSlacker MultiStacker

PeaNut 157,595
July 2004
Posts: 12,082
Layouts: 70
Loc: coloRADo

Posted: 11/16/2012 8:58:39 PM
If I was in your shoes I would consider doing one of those Pre-Cooked Thanksgiving meals from Safeway or going out.



cropduster
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 250,388
February 2006
Posts: 6,824
Layouts: 0
Loc: Between MoTown and the Glass City

Posted: 11/16/2012 9:06:46 PM
I'm guessing that your in-laws don't know how to cook? Sounds like it to me anyway.

Is there a law on the books somewhere that you have to stay home on Thanksgiving? I know that there is nothing like a home-cooked meal, but honestly, going to a restaurant for a Thanksgiving buffet is great! When it's our turn to celebrate the holiday with my DH's side of the family, we go to this restaurant that is known for their Thanksgiving buffet. At first I felt guilty for celebrating while the wait staff was working their tails off. We made that comment to our waitress when handing her her tip. She said that they all fight to work for Thanksgiving because the owner compensated them for the holiday plus they all made fabulous tips. So now we go there guilt-free. And leave feeling sated and happy for not having the hassle and mess is worth any money you have to pay for the meal.

Take some deep breaths this week and seriously look into any restaurants serving Thanksgiving dinners. Or at the very least, take the in-laws out for breakfast on Friday so you will not be tied to the stove that morning.

Wish you well!


cropduster

My blog

~SuburbanMom~
Wannabe FNPea!

PeaNut 82,318
April 2003
Posts: 10,228
Layouts: 35
Loc: In my garden

Posted: 11/16/2012 9:19:14 PM
If I have to host DHs family then yes I am stressed as I would do everything for it (my sister in law said she would bring deviled eggs and showed up with 2 dozen raw eggs..)

But this year my mom is hosting at their new beach house and I am very excited. She will do everything.

Only thing I did was order and pay for the organic, free range, local turkey that they will pick up on Wednesday. I am also making a pie.

My mom is amazing!!!



ramblin72
BucketHead

PeaNut 85,321
May 2003
Posts: 545
Layouts: 73

Posted: 11/16/2012 9:38:07 PM
i think you let your expectations make you anxious
seems to me your DH's family can do nothing right:


And, my MIL asked my DH to pick up a pie from Costco and that way she wouldn't have to bake this year.


Why would she want to bake when she has you to judge her cooking?

the only person in this story who has to change is you
either stop doing the event or just accept the contributions that they DO make
you can't control everything

Zandysmom
Special Peads Mom

PeaNut 30,248
February 2002
Posts: 5,352
Layouts: 172
Loc: Heading south behind the wheel of Madge

Posted: 11/16/2012 9:41:22 PM
Thanksgiving is now my favorite holiday for the following reasons:

1) No gifts
2) It's not a "season" that we have extend
3) Very little decorating
4) It's a meal not even a whole day
5) The food is good

If Alex was not so obsessed with Christmas I'd erase that off the calendar completely, I'm so over the 2 month "season" that retail has evolved into. Christmas completely stresses me out.

But for Thanksgiving I am so lucky. My SIL does an amazing job, I bring a lot too because I do not want her to be stressed plus I love to cook. Honestly, it's a day (well longer since they are staying with you). I'd keep it super simple, don't go all Pioneer Woman unless you want to. Give them all clean up chores to do too. I think you should let it go, clearly they think your cooking/hosting is better than what they are capable of. Take it as a compliment & eat the biggest piece of pie LOL.



Pea-T-A-Mom
Scrapmaven is stalkin my Kitteh!

PeaNut 159,334
July 2004
Posts: 14,077
Layouts: 0
Loc: Left Coast

Posted: 11/16/2012 9:47:47 PM

So, my problem is that I am the only "do'er" doing anything for Thanksgiving. Everyone else just comes to enjoy it while I do ALL the work.


So, why do you continue to invite them each year?

I host Thanksgiving every year, and have a huge family that contributes to the meal. Sure, it is stressful getting the house ready, and I have to borrow tables and chairs to seat everyone.

But we make the turkeys, stuffing, gravy, then the guests arrive with the rest.

Then we just enjoy being together.

If the evening was not enjoyable, then I would stop extending the invitation.


~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~


Jili
SLPea

PeaNut 25,268
November 2001
Posts: 9,205
Layouts: 9
Loc: Chicagoland

Posted: 11/16/2012 10:30:51 PM

Thanksgiving is now my favorite holiday for the following reasons:

1) No gifts
2) It's not a "season" that we have extend
3) Very little decorating
4) It's a meal not even a whole day
5) The food is good

If Alex was not so obsessed with Christmas I'd erase that off the calendar completely, I'm so over the 2 month "season" that retail has evolved into. Christmas completely stresses me out.

But for Thanksgiving I am so lucky. My SIL does an amazing job, I bring a lot too because I do not want her to be stressed plus I love to cook. Honestly, it's a day (well longer since they are staying with you). I'd keep it super simple, don't go all Pioneer Woman unless you want to. Give them all clean up chores to do too. I think you should let it go, clearly they think your cooking/hosting is better than what they are capable of. Take it as a compliment & eat the biggest piece of pie LOL.


This, exactly!


Jill

BEF2008
AncestralPea

PeaNut 183,504
January 2005
Posts: 4,477
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/16/2012 10:44:00 PM
I'm another one who does everything myself. From cleaning to decorating, planning, shopping, cooking, serving, then cleaning it all up by myself afterward. Before I did it, my mother did it. At most the biggest contribution to her dinners was her mother bringing a salad. If Grandma didn't bring a salad, we didn't have one. Mom still did everything else and now it's my turn.

I guess it's all about what you're used to. I WANT to do it all and I do it and enjoy every minute of it. (Although I was crankier about it when my kids were small but I didn't want them to associate a cranky Mommy with their holidays so I got over myself.)

Anyway, I do it, I use the recipes *I* like, and I keep all the leftovers! LOL! Look on the bright side!

TXMary
That's my island!

PeaNut 174,226
October 2004
Posts: 7,829
Layouts: 0
Loc: Central Texas/Port Aransas

Posted: 11/16/2012 11:04:26 PM
It doesn't really stress me out. I've been hosting for 22 years now and my family is far from normal. I cook a lot and my mom and sister bring a lot. And we are all good cooks, so it works out fine. I've had some SIL's over the years that have been horrible cooks. I assigned them veggie or fruit trays and I knew they would just buy them already made up. They were happy they got to bring something and we were happy they weren't cooking. And we had some healthy appetizers to boot.






gmcwife1
SamFan

PeaNut 33,625
March 2002
Posts: 9,769
Layouts: 0
Loc: Washington State

Posted: 11/16/2012 11:25:18 PM
My family is so far from perfect they are the poster family for disfunctional.

But I don't stress over the holidays because it doesn't solve anything. Only I can control how I react to my family and I have no expectations of picture perfect gatherings


~ Dori ~

TinCin
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 29,331
February 2002
Posts: 6,720
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in the palm of the hand.

Posted: 11/17/2012 12:23:34 AM
Not stressed in the least here. For the past couple of years my sister and niece have hosted Thanksgiving at my niece's place. I bring a couple of things (whatever they would like me to bring). This year I am bringing appetizers and a crockpot full of apples (think apple pie without the crust). This is what they requested.

Christmas Day they will come to my house. They will offer to bring something and I can either request something I need or let them bring what ever they want.

We are both single parents and between us have four children and 1 grandchild. We also include my brother who is single and whose children live out of state. We sometimes bring dates, the kids sometimes bring dates but in total there are never more than 15 people there. Very relaxing, we arrive early and chat, nosh and play board games till meal time. We eat, clean up and play more card or board games till we get tired and then we leave. Same thing at Christmas.


PROUD MEMBER OF UAW LOCAL 659 - Home of the Sit-Down Strike!

Compwalla
Pastafarian Pea

PeaNut 11,942
March 2001
Posts: 20,489
Layouts: 39
Loc: Midland, TX

Posted: 11/17/2012 12:35:29 AM
My family is pretty normal, at least the family who would travel to my house to have Thanksgiving are normal. I am hosting this year because my sister had a stroke this summer and there is no way I'm letting her do all that work and cleaning and prep at her house. They are all coming over here, plus my dad, plus another couple from the squadron. I will cook everything and if you touch anything in my kitchen, I will cut you. I like full creative control in the kitchen!

The tradition in out family is that the people who cook do not clean up. When we used to get together with my mom's side, which is a huge group, the ladies would cook all day and the guys would clean up after dinner. They'd roll the portable TV into the kitchen and watch football and do dishes while the ladies retired to the porch to sip iced tea and watch the kids play.

Anyway. I do not expect anyone to bring anything but then again, I do not host every single year. If I did, I think I would take people up on their offers to bring things and if they aren't good cooks, they can bring wine and man the clean-up crew.


Virginia

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. --Susan B. Anthony

Blog link - Dryer Lint
Aprons and More

pennyring
Thrift Ninja

PeaNut 226,011
October 2005
Posts: 23,312
Layouts: 40
Loc: Rite Aid

Posted: 11/17/2012 1:03:40 AM

I will cook everything and if you touch anything in my kitchen, I will cut you. I like full creative control in the kitchen!


This is the women in my family too. No one every wants anybody to bring anything. They *might* allow you to bring a pie, but that's pretty much it.

We pretty much do the same thing. DH likes to cook and we don't require anyone to bring anything. He likes to control the menu and plan everything out. I'm his sous chef, but he's the head chef on Thanksgiving.





voltagain
OklaPhoma

PeaNut 18,334
July 2001
Posts: 38,143
Layouts: 15
Loc: State of cultural confusion. Yeehaw and Aloha have collided!

Posted: 11/17/2012 3:56:25 AM
I don't think people who have stress free holidays necessarily have wonderful families (some do I'm sure) But the big Key to being stress free is the ability to accept people and circumstances **as they are*** and not expect them to be someone or something they have not been the rest of the year.

The sister in law who does not cook 364 days is not going to suddenly become a cook who can produce an edible dish on the 365th day just because you asked her to.

The budget that is stretched thin 11 months of the year isn't going to magically expand just because it is Christmas.

The only person you can change is you. Keep expectation of them and yourself on a realistic keel and the stress melts. You holiday may not look like a magazine slick holiday says it should.. but it will be uniquely yours and stress free once you let go of making it look like a magazine article on "How to have a holiday"


What Your Kit Lens Can Do For You

Canon 60d, Canon 24-70mm 2.8L, Canon 70-200mm 2.8L, 50mm 1.8, 28-80, 75-300mm and Tamron 90mm 2.8 macro

VexedAngel
Cold Pea on a Cracked Plate

PeaNut 156,343
July 2004
Posts: 5,250
Layouts: 46

Posted: 11/17/2012 5:03:37 AM
Well, I enjoy Thanksgiving in general. But yes, my family is not thoughtless as all that. My mom used to be in a similar situation and she finally had it one year during the meal and announced she would no longer be hostessing, it was someone else's turn. I was very proud of her for standing up for herself. Now she and Dad get BBQ ribs from a local joint and have a day off. She is MUCH happier.

This year I'm definitely not stressed at all. I can't travel, and we're not near family, so it's just the three of us. And then I'm on bedrest, so hubby is making the meal! He was just going to do a fresh turkey and Tippin's pie, but I begged for at least boxed stuffing & potatoes and canned green beans and cranberry sauce.


Uploaded with iPhone client

Scrapbrat1
Sue Pea

PeaNut 87,238
May 2003
Posts: 7,572
Layouts: 190
Loc: Dirtyland and Oilyland

Posted: 11/17/2012 6:17:45 AM

I think if I were you, I'd simplify as much stuff as I could--pre-made pies, frozen rolls, relish plate from the store deli, jarred gravy, Stovetop stuffing, etc. Don't make it too hard on yourself.



This is what I would do. I don't think "not inviting them" is always as easy as people on here make it out to be, and I totally agree that doing everything yourself is overload. My grocery store does pre-made Thanksgiving meals -- if yours does something similar, maybe you could use the gift card to buy a basic turkey dinner, and then just add to it by making a couple of side dishes that you love and WANT to make. So what if the mashed potatoes won't be made by you this year? They'll be fine, and the whole thing will be a lot less stress on you.

ETA: This is very wise advice, and I'm going to try to keep it in mind for MY stressor holiday, aka Christmas:


I don't think people who have stress free holidays necessarily have wonderful families (some do I'm sure) But the big Key to being stress free is the ability to accept people and circumstances **as they are*** and not expect them to be someone or something they have not been the rest of the year.


Barbara
CKU-Indy -- March 2003
CKU-M, Salt Lake City -- August 2004

*Erin
triathlon pea

PeaNut 80,864
April 2003
Posts: 10,658
Layouts: 13
Loc: Gone to chemo with BethAnne

Posted: 11/17/2012 6:22:55 AM
Stress, but more frustration than anything really. And to be up front about the whole thing I've done it to myself this year.
    My brother and SIL are driving in from TX and bringing her sister. I like the sister and want her here, it's just that it was a last minute surprise and I'm just trying to figure out where to put everyone for 5 days.

    This same brother won't return my calls to let me know just when they'll be arriving. For all I know it's this Sunday.

    We're all doing a race on Thanksgiving morning. My oldest niece and I are doing a half marathon (her first) and the rest are doing a 5K. I'm way behind on my training so I'm not looking forward to it at all. The same brother who won't return my calls hasn't let me know if they're all going to join us for the race. He said he wanted to so I finally registered him, but I don't know about my SIL and her sister. Did I mention that he won't return my calls?

    My mom and older niece are flying in a few hours apart on Tuesday. I don't know when my younger niece is coming in, but she's driving. I'm assuming Tuesday?

    My mom will help with the cooking/prep, but I wanted her to relax and enjoy herself. She's had a tough year.

    I haven't done any shopping yet.

    I did order pies from the local pie shop, so I'll only have to make the special ones for my niece and my son.

    We're still cleaning and getting things ready, and this is a really busy weekend. I don't know how I'm going to get everything done.
I'm starting to get just a wee bit stressed but like I said, I've done it to myself.



ddebs87
We Will Never Forget

PeaNut 267,324
July 2006
Posts: 917
Layouts: 4
Loc: Iowa

Posted: 11/17/2012 6:25:08 AM
Because of schedules, last year I made 2 full Thanksgiving meals within 24 hours to accomidate family that could be here at those times. I did it ALL BY MYSELF. And ya know what? I was exhausted, but if necessary, I would do it again.

It is a meal. Doesn't have to be perfect. Just do the best you can. There are a heck of a lot worse things to stress about.

Heck, I was just diagnosed with cancer and will be having surgery on the 28th, and I will still be making the meal for everyone, MY CHOICE.

Have fun, stop stressing. It is just ONE meal.
1 2 >
Show/Hide Icons . Show/Hide Signatures
Hide
{{ title }}
{{ icon }}
{{ body }}
{{ footer }}