Need Peas Power, DD was choked during argument and took DGD and left,FINAL UPDATE:to this thread

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Posted 11/19/2012 by BuckeyeSandy in NSBR Board
 

BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:09:27 PM
***FINAL UPDATE TO THIS THREAD BY ME
DD has her car, so mobility is not a problem. She has some resources available (always did). She has called a facility in Alabama, she will be fine for the next day or two till DH gets out of MD.

Everything right now is civil, no threats... just heartaches a plenty.

Taking her word for it, this is the first incident of anything physical directed directly at her. If instead he tore apart a pillow, I think she still would have left, but I don't know. He made choices, choices have consequences.

If you, who are reading this think it can't happen in my life, be prepared and forewarned, it could. It might even be happening to someone you know or love. If you who are reading this are yourself in danger, take heed and get your escape plan in order. Reconnect to your family and friends, Get yourself, your loved ones (children AND pets) out and to somewhere safe.

Friends and family might be fine, but not always the safest place. There are facilities, there are trained people to assist.

And lastly, I want to warn that relationship abuse IS NOT ALWAYS the guy against the gal. Guys are abused too. Abuse can happen in a heterosexual partnership, and in a same sex one. Abuse is abuse and it seldom disappears on its own when it happens.


***********************************************************************
OP: They had an argument, he had been drinking... it's a real mess and DH told her to call 911 for police assistance to go and get some more of her things from their apartment, once the police showed up and were able to escort her.

It is a royal mess at the moment.

At least DD has the sense to walk out, and NOT put up with it, but DH is ready to start driving down right now.

Prayers, positive thoughts, it's a mess, and there is a little one year old too.

And here we were thinking all was going well.




***update Tuesday Night
DD and DGD are going to spend the night at friends, rather than with "his" family, then she's going to go to her uncles' house and stay. Neighbor has key, and she'll have three dogs and a cat to care for.

DH is going to fly down Friday or Saturday, rent a car, go to the apartment and fetch a few more things of DD's and back to his brother's/ They will then drive back to Maryland.

From here DD can regroup. It will be interesting (not fun) but we will do what we gotta do.

Their are lots of legal stuff, but their safety is first.


Sandy
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Lumo
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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:11:33 PM
Holy geeze...good thoughts coming your way for sure.


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busypea
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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:13:14 PM
I'm so sorry. That's horrible. I am so glad she left immediately and took her daughter. Where did she go? Has she contacted the local women's resource center? They can help her get her legal ducks in a row - restraining orders, file a police report, etc. - and find her a place to stay if she needs it, help her get a police escort to retrieve her belongings, and so on.

cmpeter
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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:15:38 PM
Oh man, how terrible. I am glad she left!


Cindi

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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:18:55 PM
Oh Sandy! I am so sorry to hear that...it must have been so scary to get that call!

That's a very good suggestion Busypea.


**Jody**

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squillen
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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:28:40 PM
Lots of prayers that things will be okay for her.



BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:30:54 PM
She didn't call us, we called her after a FB post I saw from "him"

We're trying to figure where she can regroup, our family that is within a couple hours drive are all up North for Thanksgiving (left last weekend).

DH came up to tell me that he called the local police and they will go on over. He pulled the LEO to LEO card.

Their only vehicle is hers, and she has more than a car load of stuff. But neither here nor there at the moment.

His sister and father were coming up to meet her halfway, but I don't know what the plans are now since she talked to her dad.

I have stuff ready to send for Christmas, glad they are still sitting waiting.


Sandy
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REMEMBER this Veterans Day

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busypea
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Posted: 11/19/2012 11:35:43 PM
Please call the women's resource center in her area. It sounds like she really needs some help to get the logistics worked out. So often, those things seem so overwhelming (family out of town, only one car, too much stuff, etc.) that women just decide to go back and "work it out." That can go very badly. The WRC (or whatever it's called where she is) can help her figure out those details and a better solution. They are generally available 24/7/365, so she can contact them for help now.

The police are an important part of this process, but their resources only go so far and when the guy gets released from jail tomorrow (if he even goes), she needs to have a plan.

leftturnonly
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Posted: 11/20/2012 12:26:38 AM
{{{hugs}}}




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VivMarina
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Posted: 11/20/2012 2:36:39 AM
How awful. What a strong young woman and good mother to get out. I pray she gets the help she needs to start over.

froggy one
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Posted: 11/20/2012 6:29:56 AM
I am proud of her for getting out like she did. Best of luck to all!


Karen

not2peased
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Posted: 11/20/2012 8:18:01 AM

Please call the women's resource center in her area. It sounds like she really needs some help to get the logistics worked out. So often, those things seem so overwhelming (family out of town, only one car, too much stuff, etc.) that women just decide to go back and "work it out." That can go very badly. The WRC (or whatever it's called where she is) can help her figure out those details and a better solution. They are generally available 24/7/365, so she can contact them for help now.

The police are an important part of this process, but their resources only go so far and when the guy gets released from jail tomorrow (if he even goes), she needs to have a plan.


this

I am very sorry she and her child are dealing with this


-Kerry


Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.

not2peased
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Posted: 11/20/2012 9:42:44 AM
OP,

I am sorry to say this as I know it will likely upset you further but choking a victim during a domestic violence assault CAN indicate a greater likelihood that the perpetrator will attempt to kill their victim. I am sorry to be so blunt about it but it's a red flag we look for when speaking to victims.

PLEASE have your daughter seek help so she doesnt go back to him and for her sake, have her do some safety planning so that he can't find her during this very volatile time (the time when the victim leaves her abuser is the time she/he is at greatest risk)





-Kerry


Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.

Christine58
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Posted: 11/20/2012 9:44:57 AM
Get her out of there and home to you ASAP.



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dreamerpea
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Posted: 11/20/2012 9:54:37 AM
She was so smart to leave!

Sending good thoughts she and her little one are safe.



WannaPea
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Posted: 11/20/2012 9:58:01 AM
You must be losing your mind! I'm so sorry--I hope all works out well for her and you can rest easy soon.


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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 11/20/2012 9:58:02 AM
Thank God she left. Can you get her home to you? She needs her family.




jenjie
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Posted: 11/20/2012 10:10:14 AM
I'm so sorry but so proud of your dd for taking immediate action. Praying for her as she forges ahead to make a new life for her and her sweet baby.


~Jen


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Posted: 11/20/2012 10:17:14 AM

I'm so sorry. That's horrible. I am so glad she left immediately and took her daughter. Where did she go? Has she contacted the local women's resource center? They can help her get her legal ducks in a row - restraining orders, file a police report, etc. - and find her a place to stay if she needs it, help her get a police escort to retrieve her belongings, and so on
And if she has a pet, have them get the pet, too!

Blessings to you and your family!



Dog people are a special breed!

lucyg819
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Posted: 11/20/2012 10:23:00 AM
oh, Sandy. I am so sorry, but glad she got out and I hope she STAYS out.


LUCYG
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twinks
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Posted: 11/20/2012 11:18:49 AM
So glad that your DD left the situation. Now she needs all the support everyone can muster.

I realize that this is easy for me to say and so very difficult to do, but, getting her stuff shouldn't be the #1 priority. Being safe, getting away, and the courage to stay away is the #1 priority. The cycle of abuse is that he will be extremely apologetic and he will turn on the charm like nothing ever seen before. She needs the strength and courage that make her leave in the first place to continue to see her through this next phase. Stuff can be replaced, not always easily, but, it can be replaced. Her life and the life of her child is more important.

Coming from someone who has BTDT.


writermom1
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Posted: 11/20/2012 1:58:19 PM
Congrats to her for taking the right step and leaving!

Keep focusing on what she did right so she doesn't feel remorse over having ended up with such a person. honestly if it was doable I probably would have DH drive there. She's going to need someone to watch the baby while she meets with a lawyer for custody issues, etc.



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BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 11/20/2012 3:00:32 PM
Right now she's with his family. I guess his Dad had a "come to Jesus" talk with him last night.

DD told us she is not going back with him. But knows her time to "figure" is limited.

If it were any other week, her uncle would have been there today to help her get her things out. He's up in WV with the family.

And we can't spring out of here easily till Friday at the earliest.

I thought about calling her last night, if I had maybe "nothing" would have happen. (Being somewhat a realist, if not last night, it would eventually have happened.)

If anyone knows of a family law specialist in Alabama, p-mail me. We have a need for one.


Sandy
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scrapper100
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Posted: 11/20/2012 3:04:17 PM
Sending good thoughts your way. I hope your daughter will be ok. So glad that she had the good sense to leave and get to safety.


Patti

tamhugh
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Posted: 11/20/2012 3:07:18 PM
Prayers and good thoughts going out to all of you. I can't imagine how much your heart must hurt as her mom.

BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 11/20/2012 5:45:07 PM
She's going to start heading our way tomorrow. Told her to get their stuff together from his folks, gas up the car and be ready to start back at least to Atlanta GA tomorrow. At some point DH and her uncle will go to the apartment for her things that were left behind.

His folk were expecting to have her and their son "patch-it-up" over Thanksgiving, ah, no and you don't need to be put in that position.

Nothing legal wise is going to happen this week.


Sandy
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REMEMBER this Veterans Day

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Constance
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Posted: 11/20/2012 5:54:27 PM

I am sorry to say this as I know it will likely upset you further but choking a victim during a domestic violence assault CAN indicate a greater likelihood that the perpetrator will attempt to kill their victim. I am sorry to be so blunt about it but it's a red flag we look for when speaking to victims.

PLEASE have your daughter seek help so she doesnt go back to him and for her sake, have her do some safety planning so that he can't find her during this very volatile time (the time when the victim leaves her abuser is the time she/he is at greatest risk)

This is incredibly important information -- the most important information on this entire thread. I am an advocate for a local women's shelter, and she is in a very dangerous position right now, even though she may think things are going in the right direction. Statistically, she is at high risk. There should be a women's shelter in her area that can help her with safety planning and let her know what resources are available to her. She needs to be very cautious about trusting anybody in his family right now. Nothing is more important than the safety of her and her daughter.

Sue_Pea
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Posted: 11/20/2012 5:56:16 PM


I'm very sorry. Glad that she is heading your way.


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mapchic
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Posted: 11/20/2012 6:10:04 PM
She is absolutely in my prayers. Good for her to get right out and take her little girl to safety.

My only concern would be... if she takes the baby to another state with no legal decisions... he could run to a local judge and get emergency custody claiming that she is abducting the baby. I know it sounds crazy, but I have seen crazier things happen.

Has she filed a police report and pressed charges? It might seem scary to do, but necessary. It will get his family to realize that she is serious and maybe, hopefully get him to realize that he needs some serious help.




"When someone asks you 'think about what Jesus would do', remember that a valid option is to freak out and turn over tables" -- Unknown

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littlefish
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Posted: 11/20/2012 6:14:43 PM

My only concern would be... if she takes the baby to another state with no legal decisions... he could run to a local judge and get emergency custody claiming that she is abducting the baby. I know it sounds crazy, but I have seen crazier things happen.


Are they married? If so, then this won't apply. It becomes a civil, not criminal matter.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. ((hug))


Julie

not2peased
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Posted: 11/20/2012 6:28:55 PM
she needs some legal help-ASAP preferably someone with experience with domestic violence and all the issues surrounding it.

the ex might be filing his own paperwork right now-paperwork that might put your daughter in a very difficult situation with respect to custody. she needs to balance her need for safety with the need to create some legal framework to protect her and her daughter.

as for the "come to jesus" talk-that shows just how woefully ignorant his family is of the situation. their son didn't take the family car without permission-he choked his girlfriend in front of their daughter and could have killed her

as for the strangulation-do a google search on non lethal strangulation-30 states have special laws around this. please read how very serious this situation is. getting out isn't always the end of the problem. she needs to understand what she is dealing with and take the appropriate steps to protect herself and her daughter.



-Kerry


Let the refining and improving of your own life keep you so busy that you have little time to criticize others.

BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 11/20/2012 6:42:13 PM

Has she filed a police report and pressed charges? It might seem scary to do, but necessary. It will get his family to realize that she is serious and maybe, hopefully get him to realize that he needs some serious help.


She didn't "press charges" because she still has "feelings" for him.

I (personally) would not let the two of them together myself unless he went through some anger management or similar program. Heck both of them should. But it might be too late.

I want to stay on good terms with him and his family only because there is a little girl that does love her Daddy.



Sandy
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Kimmie3233
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Posted: 11/20/2012 7:50:44 PM
**Are they married? If so, then this won't apply. It becomes a civil, not criminal matter. **


Depends on the state & whether he is on the birth certificate or not.

As a former victim advocate I second that she needs to be focused on safety planning if she is truly leaving. If she can speak to an advocate in her area they can give her all the specifics for her state. She may be be able to get a temporary protection order giving her temporary custody of their child, we did them in Colorado frequently.

Sending good thoughts her way



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zinniarain
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Posted: 11/20/2012 9:20:16 PM
I am sorry to say this as I know it will likely upset you further but choking a victim during a domestic violence assault CAN indicate a greater likelihood that the perpetrator will attempt to kill their victim. I am sorry to be so blunt about it but it's a red flag we look for when speaking to victims.

PLEASE have your daughter seek help so she doesnt go back to him and for her sake, have her do some safety planning so that he can't find her during this very volatile time (the time when the victim leaves her abuser is the time she/he is at greatest risk)

This is incredibly important information -- the most important information on this entire thread. I am an advocate for a local women's shelter, and she is in a very dangerous position right now, even though she may think things are going in the right direction. Statistically, she is at high risk. There should be a women's shelter in her area that can help her with safety planning and let her know what resources are available to her. She needs to be very cautious about trusting anybody in his family right now. Nothing is more important than the safety of her and her daughter.




I'm not sure if i know how to use the quote function but i was just going to come and post this information because it is SO important. I work for the prosecutor's office on the homicide team and i just attended a seminar discussing this. "choking" or more acurately strangulation and the prevelance that it will escalate in a domestic violent relationship. It is very dangerous and above all she should be extremely cautious.

welshjenni
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Posted: 11/21/2012 4:34:19 AM
This is such a dreadful situation and I can only re-iterate what others have said - no way should she return... ever. Even if he/they have anger management sessions, if he drinks then any strategies he has for dealing with his anger will fly out of the window. Heaven knows how far he could go next time and in situations like this there will always be a next time. Even if she may be prepared to take the risk for herself, her DD is also in danger.

Contacting a local women's refuge centre would a good move as they know the relevant laws in her state and can guide her through various courses of action.

Could I also suggest that she withdraws what money she can before he clears any accounts.

I do so hope that she and her DD is with family soon and stays safe.
[[[hugs]]]

BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 11/21/2012 11:02:07 AM
I posted a final update to close this discussion thread. Thank-you everyone.


Sandy
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REMEMBER this Veterans Day

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scoobers
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Posted: 11/21/2012 11:18:55 AM

I want to warn that relationship abuse IS NOT ALWAYS the guy against the gal. Guys are abused too. Abuse can happen in a heterosexual partnership, and in a same sex one. Abuse is abuse and it seldom disappears on its own when it happens.



This is very true. Years ago the neighbor who lived across the street had his wife beating him up on a regular basis. He was a paramedic and because of the risk of losing his job, he would not strike back. He finally filed for divorce and got away from that nut job.

I hope your daughter gets away and is able to have some time to process what she needs to do. In the meantime, stay there for her, you never know when one quick, "hi, how are you?" phone call will be the trigger she needs to get away.



writermom1
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Posted: 11/21/2012 12:04:31 PM

If you, who are reading this think it can't happen in my life, be prepared and forewarned, it could.


I agree.

I also think it's easy to say what you think you would do - and much harder to do it.

Imagine if you had to walk out of your home today with only what you could carry for you/your kids/pets in your vehicle. You have only the cash you can get at that moment and, if you are lucky, your car. You have to face your fears, swallow your pride and risk the very real human response of many people that they either "told you so" or you are exaggerating.

I can't imagine having to face that but I know many people do. My heart goes out to all of them.

I'm so proud of your DD for being so brave.




jarmommy
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Posted: 11/21/2012 12:14:50 PM


If you, who are reading this think it can't happen in my life, be prepared and forewarned, it could. It might even be happening to someone you know or love. If you who are reading this are yourself in danger, take heed and get your escape plan in order. Reconnect to your family and friends, Get yourself, your loved ones (children AND pets) out and to somewhere safe.


Couldn't agree more!!!! I was in that situation with no resources and it took me a few years to leave but when I finally did I wish I could've done it sooner.

I'm happy your dd and dgd are ok, and so glad she left!

azredhead34
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Posted: 11/21/2012 12:22:36 PM
Hugs and thoughts to you and your family and your DD and your DGD. I am glad she is being smart and getting help early.







Jillsie Pea
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Posted: 11/21/2012 2:28:31 PM
I hope your daughter makes the right decision for her and her child's safety.
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