Inviting one spouse to a wedding.

Two Peas is Closing
Click here to visit our final product sale. Click here to visit our FAQ page regarding the closing of Two Peas.

Posted 11/21/2012 by Epeanymous in NSBR Board
 

Epeanymous
PeaFixture

PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
Posts: 3,301
Layouts: 1

Posted: 11/21/2012 10:50:03 AM
Surely this has been discussed. A friend of mine has been wedding planning and is on a tight budget. She is considering not inviting spouses of guests where she doesn't have an independent relationship with the spouse. I told her I thought that was a bad idea, and that in nearly sixteen years of marriage neither dh nor I have ever been invited to a wedding without the spouse, but I am coming here with two related questions.

1. If it is wrong to do this, why, specifically? I told her that as a practical matter non-invited spouses may not realize they are not invited and will show, or that the invited spouse may now sit out the wedding entirely, and that as an etiquette manner it seems inappropriate to invite only one half of a married couple to a wedding. I do not know if there is a more specific way to explain it, which leads me to--

2. Am I just wrong about this? Is it ok? It has been 10-15 years since that time when all of my friends were getting married--have invitation norms shifted? Or have I been wrong all along?

MizIndependent
Is there another word for synonym?

PeaNut 256,623
April 2006
Posts: 15,004
Layouts: 2
Loc: Right where I'm s'posed to be.

Posted: 11/21/2012 10:53:09 AM
1. If it is wrong to do this, why, specifically?

Because it is rude as hell! She'll be offending not only the friends she invites (by excluding their spouses) but obviously their spouses as well, plus she'll be creating a lot of confusion because as you pointed out, people will assume the spouse is invited even if the invite doesn't specifically say.


2. Am I just wrong about this? Is it ok?

I don't think you're wrong and I definitely don't think it's ok. If their budget is so tight, perhaps she ought to rethink having a wedding a at all.



Youtube: Hungry For Change - Your Health is in Your Hands. Dieting doesn't work, this movie tells you why.

Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does.


jodster70
To the right, To the right

PeaNut 51,257
October 2002
Posts: 6,307
Layouts: 28
Loc: Usually NSBR, an un"pea"dictable place :)

Posted: 11/21/2012 10:54:54 AM
I completely agree with Miz Independent.


**Jody**

"The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government -- lest it come to dominate our lives and interests."
Patrick Henry

grammanisi
peaing from my beach room

PeaNut 142,772
April 2004
Posts: 9,916
Layouts: 3
Loc: Northern Indiana...Fighting Irish Country

Posted: 11/21/2012 10:57:06 AM
My husband was invited to the wedding of someone he worked with. I was friends with his ex wife, so the invite was to him and guest!! Needless to say he or guest didn't go!!


Denise
~*~*~*~*~


batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 11/21/2012 10:59:36 AM
I've never heard of this being done. It's not morally wrong. LOL But it's just not done. Let her do what she wants. But then she has to expect people to decline her invitation.

I understand a tight budget. Really, I do.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




eebud
Doxie Pea Mom

PeaNut 52,841
October 2002
Posts: 33,484
Layouts: 25

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:01:52 AM

have invitation norms shifted? Or have I been wrong all along?

Invitation norms have not shifted and you have not been wrong all along. Many people have gotten ruder over the years.

I will say that my DH would much rather not go to a wedding. He hates weddings and only goes to those that are mandatory, like family or a very close friend, so he probably wouldn't attend. I also wouldn't attend if he were not at least invited.





Hans on left, Bud in middle, Gretchen on right

Simply_Lovely
AncestralPea

PeaNut 463,295
April 2010
Posts: 4,172
Layouts: 3
Loc: New York City

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:02:22 AM
It's so ridiculously rude.
A wedding is a celebration of two people who are getting married, becoming a union, a unit. So by not inviting the spouse you're effectively saying that their marriage doesn't matter and they are not a unit. I am not explaining myself correctly I'm sure, but my point is it's rude.




Meow!

Pretty In PeaNK

PeaNut 417,489
March 2009
Posts: 5,222
Layouts: 2
Loc: Travelin'

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:03:29 AM
Wedding invites to a married couple are a package deal. If she tries this, she'll look terrible to the ones who figure out their spouse is excluded, she'll likely regret it later as she is invited to weddings for the rest of her life noticing it's always addressed to both of them, and finally, this is going to backfire on her and she'll end up with twice as many guests as anticipated as people will bring their spouses anyway, thinking it was an oversight.

Her best bet is to only include a predetermined amount of couples she can afford. If she cannot afford a couple, she can't afford the single spouse either.


"How are we going to get rid of racism? Stop talking about it!"--Morgan Freeman

KikiNichole

PeaNut 69,597
February 2003
Posts: 27,801
Layouts: 2
Loc: Follow the Yellow Brick Road

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:04:09 AM
I agree. I think it's totally rude. I can say, if one of us was invited and the other wasn't, neither of us would bother going.



~Kristen~

terri k
PeaAddict

PeaNut 411,419
February 2009
Posts: 1,799
Layouts: 1
Loc:

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:07:08 AM
Happened to me. I was invited and SO wasn't. I declined the invite. Funny thing is they knew my SO before they knew me!


Uploaded with iPhone client

aprilfay21
Mommy to Maximus!

PeaNut 270,034
July 2006
Posts: 12,676
Layouts: 116
Loc: Houston

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:09:27 AM

I agree. I think it's totally rude. I can say, if one of us was invited and the other wasn't, neither of us would bother going.
This. Rude and neither of us would be going.




This is Texas. We don't have regular seasons here. We have Summer 1, Summer 2, Summer 3 and January.

"As you attempt to make big differences, remember to appreciate the small differences. And remember that you don't always have to reach the goal you set in order to make a difference." - Win Borden

My Personal Pinterest - MissApril82

My Business Pinterest - PlatinumWeds

Please Like me on Facebook - Platinum Wedding Event

Follow me on Twitter - PlatinumWeds

PlatiunumWeddingEvent.net

Advocare - We Build Champions

luvmypics
PeaNut

PeaNut 558,907
June 2012
Posts: 125
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:19:42 AM
WTH!!!!! Ok, that is weird and very rude. I would be offended if my Husband was invited and I wasn't. Also, if she wants people to dance, they won't. That is the point of going to a wedding with your spouse so you have someone to dance with. A wedding is a romantic time, and I think that is the time to invite all the spouses. I don't think many people would go if their spouse wasn't invited too, I know I wouldn't.

Ms. Liz
Practically Perfect in Every Way

PeaNut 199,404
April 2005
Posts: 7,374
Layouts: 2
Loc: deep in the hundred acre woods

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:20:11 AM


The only times I've seen it happen were in regard to co-worker's spouses. We didn't do that for our wedding, but I've been to weddings with a group of co-workers seated together, without spouses, at the reception. Thinking back, I'm sure I've been an invited guest, sans spouse, to at least one co-workers wedding. We were all really young. Maybe that makes a difference?

IMO, life's too short to take offense.
But I wouldn't plan on her guests feeling like I do.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I eat my peas with honey. I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny, But it keeps them on the knife.



paigepea
I'm PEAchy Keen!

PeaNut 74,479
March 2003
Posts: 17,867
Layouts: 116

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:22:17 AM

Dh was invited to a wedding without me when he was my DF after 6 years of dating. His family was invited and his sister and her SO were invited (but she was 'MOH). Dh asked if I could come (he was that close to the family that he felt he could ask). They said I could come to the ceremony. We went to the ceremony (it really meant a lot to dh) and then he took me for a fancy dinner. 3 months later the family called and apologized. When we got married we got a great guilt gift.

I got invited to a friend's wedding w/o dh. They were on a major budget. I was friends with both the bride and groom. I didn't get mad and I wasn't offended. I felt honoured that they include me. But I was worried I'd be uncomfortable without dh since I didn't know who else I'd sit with/talk with. I'm not great in social situations. So I said no and thought they'd be able to invite someone else's spouse since I wasn't going.

P.






pretzels
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 479,777
August 2010
Posts: 5,487
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:25:51 AM
Rude.

Now, DH and I were both invited to a co-worker of his wedding, but only he went. DD was just about six weeks old, and the last thing I wanted to do was try to find something appropriate to wear that fit, pack up all the kids' things so they could stay with a grandparent, and go to a wedding of someone I don't even know. DH was cool with it.

freecharlie
What happens in NSBR, stays in NSBR

PeaNut 109,127
September 2003
Posts: 22,066
Layouts: 4
Loc: Colorado

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:26:12 AM
I don't think it would go over well. She may not be friends with the spouse, but at a wedding a married couple should be invited together.

People will not know that the spouse isn't invited and will make plans accordingly.

I would not attend a wedding w/o my husband unless I had really good friends there whose spouses would also not be there and it would only be an afternoon, not a wedding I would have to travel for.


Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you

Kate-pea
PeaFixture

PeaNut 146,398
May 2004
Posts: 3,548
Layouts: 1

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:29:14 AM
No, not done. In my world (which may not be yours LOL), spouses and cohabitating SO's must be included.

gar
Whoopea!

PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 15,755
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:30:08 AM
It'll be a disaster...one way or another. If the budget really is that tight then I'd say only invite less people altogether.




Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.


Sharna_G
AncestralPea

PeaNut 314,157
May 2007
Posts: 4,438
Layouts: 8
Loc: Delaware

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:31:12 AM
I haven't read all of the responses yet, but the ONLY time I'd consider that appropriate is if I were inviting all of my coworkers as a group. Outside of that, I think she needs to invite an entire married couple or not at all.


~~Sharna
FLOOR CUPCAKES, 99% PEA APPROVED


"You think they're onto us?"
"Shhh... Let me call my attorney"






Julee
=)

PeaNut 171,562
October 2004
Posts: 10,617
Layouts: 0
Loc: The 'Nati

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:36:58 AM
I don't think it's great etiquette for sure. But I don't think I'd decline an invitation based solely on whether or not my husband was included on it.


=)Julee

Still KeepingQuinn!
just another stranger's blog




Jili
SLPea

PeaNut 25,268
November 2001
Posts: 9,205
Layouts: 9
Loc: Chicagoland

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:41:17 AM



the ONLY time I'd consider that appropriate is if I were inviting all of my coworkers as a group. Outside of that, I think she needs to invite an entire married couple or not at all.



These are my thoughts on the subject, as well.


Jill

cmpeter
PEAceful Pea

PeaNut 14,521
April 2001
Posts: 37,572
Layouts: 31
Loc: Washington State

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:46:24 AM
I can't think of a wedding that I have been to that I would want to go solo to. If it was just an invite to me and dh wasn't included, we would either a) not notice and both end up going or notice and would decline.


Cindi

Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
Posts: 11,788
Layouts: 3
Loc: Missouri

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:58:07 AM
If she can't afford to have the reception she dreams of, then she needs to cut back on her magicial magical dress, her magicial magical hair, her magicial magical honeymoon, her magicial magical prime rib and her magicial magical 13 attendants.

She could also pare back on just the amount of ppl she invites. When we got married, it was immediate family, aunts and uncles. I didn't invite any first cousins which might have pissed them off but since I hadn't seen them in a decade I figure I'm in the clear.

Yes, it's horribly rude, and as someone said, to celebrate a day of love and marriage by telling you to leave your own spouse at home is rude as hell. If you invited me and told my husband to stay home, I'd not only stay home with him, but I wouldn't even send you a card.


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My paintings on etsy:
Cease Watercolor Arts - Coupon code: imapea - 20% off for Peas!!



My Photography website and blog:
Cease Fire Studios

froggy one
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 479,242
August 2010
Posts: 2,520
Layouts: 0
Loc: In my own mind

Posted: 11/21/2012 11:59:08 AM
I don't know what the norm is nowadays but I find it inconsiderate. I personally wouldn't go if my spouse could not go.
My DS is getting married in May and I am glad that they are not doing this. Adjust the budget somewhere else or don't invite them at all.


Karen

squillen
Tier 1 Baking Pea

PeaNut 133,550
February 2004
Posts: 39,602
Layouts: 331
Loc: Hudson Valley, NY

Posted: 11/21/2012 12:02:04 PM
You might want to explain to the bride to be that she might know everyone at the wedding, but chances are, there will be people that don't know anyone else, and to have their spouse or a guest with them will give them someone to sit with and talk with, and heck.. even DANCE with.

I think it's very rude to invite one but not the other. If she's that tight for funds, then she needs to pare down her guest list or just have it family only.



AngelJunkie
You Wanna Peas of Me?

PeaNut 45,810
August 2002
Posts: 4,700
Layouts: 14
Loc: Over the Hill and Enjoying the View

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:05:35 PM
I think it's odd but not unexpected in this day of "it's our wedding, we'll do what we want," "it's all about the bride and groom."

It may be their wedding, but they are also hosts. Be a gracious host and a beautiful bride.


Lois

JBeans
Toast gazing is an art I do not possess.

PeaNut 200,953
April 2005
Posts: 8,639
Layouts: 157
Loc: Between Diaperland and Snotsville

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:10:41 PM
This will cause hard feelings. Do not do it.


Well Peas, I believe this thread has gone Thrusday.
"The Pot has not just met the Kettle, they are getting jiggy on the top of the stove." -Lanus

Mary Kay Lady
I'm thinking . . .

PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
Posts: 5,459
Layouts: 0
Loc: The state of Confusion!

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:29:13 PM

I have been invited to a couple of weddings where my name was the only name on the invitation. In both cases I was friends with the bride and she knew I was married but invited only me.

One wedding I went to, and the other I didn't. I thought it was VERY rude to not include my husband, but I didn't ask in either situation if he could come because that would have been equally as rude.


shescrafty2
PeaFixture

PeaNut 178,427
November 2004
Posts: 3,491
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:39:59 PM
When I got married I was 24 and had not been to any other weddings. I did invite one person who was married and only invited her and the rest of my workmates were single so I only invited them. I sat my work friends together and they all came (including the one who was married). I hope I did not offend her-it was not intentional and did not know at the time how hat would be perceived.


********************************************************
your true character is shown not by how you treat people you agree with, but how you treat those you don't


cdnscrapper
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 21,328
September 2001
Posts: 6,413
Layouts: 0
Loc: at my computer

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:46:13 PM
I find it incredibly rude to invite only one spouse. If it is not in the budget, then invite less people overall or get married by the justice of the peace.

If I received an invitation that only invited me, I would decline it.

How many people want to attend a wedding by themselves when they are married?



**GypsyGirl**
Well, Bless Her Heart.......

PeaNut 142,890
April 2004
Posts: 16,073
Layouts: 1
Loc: Be a Flamingo in a flock of pigeons!

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:51:39 PM
Extremely rude. The bride needs to either pare back on the scale of her wedding/reception, or cut back on the number of invited guests.


Toni
Professional Expat Wife, Hell Holes are my Specialty!


Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Lao Tzu (604 BC - 531 BC)



Mimima
Stay Gold, Ponyboy

PeaNut 41,779
July 2002
Posts: 33,738
Layouts: 58
Loc: The Left Coast

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:52:41 PM
It depends on how I know the person.
Recently, I was invited to a wedding (of someone I know through church - my Dh does not attend with me) and it was addressed only to me. This made sense as I know that they don't know my husband, and so only I went (my Dh had other plans that day anyway.)
When I got to the reception, clearly it was set that it was assumed that my Dh would be accompanying me. It was fine, and I had a perfectly lovely time with my friends, but I thought it was unusual to have assumed he'd be there when he wasn't on the invitation.
Which is all a long way to say it goes both way, I guess.


~Mimi
"She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain." - Louisa May Alcott

SockMonkey
LibrariaNerd

PeaNut 56,220
November 2002
Posts: 29,828
Layouts: 184
Loc: Illinois

Posted: 11/21/2012 1:59:32 PM
That is about as tacky as it gets. If you can't afford to invite the spouses of your guests, go to the courthouse, get hitched, and be done with it.

Trashy.



TexasBorn
PeaNut

PeaNut 543,185
February 2012
Posts: 425
Layouts: 0

Posted: 11/21/2012 2:07:02 PM
My answer is rude to not invite spouses. I know I'll get it for this one but to me the weddings today are all about the gifts and the dress up. A wedding should be for close family members and friends...not the neighbor down the street because they know your parents. If you don't like Uncle Joe...don't invite him. From the money spent on lots of weddings a couple could have a good nest egg or they could buy the items they really want. Dream weddings are too over the top. Spendinf hundreds of dollars to go to a wedding of a relative you've never even met. Wouldn't it be better to visit at another time when you could actually spend time with that person instead of "Hi, I'm your cousin." Move on down the line,and maybe see the bride or groom one more quick time when they thank you for coming ans it meant so much. Then they wouldn't even recognize you if they ran into you on their honeymoon. Have a small gathering of the people who really matter to you and all those uninvited guests will be relieved to spend time with their families instead of working their weekend into your plans. Nuff said.

Woobster
The Banana Under the Couch Pea

PeaNut 295,941
February 2007
Posts: 8,089
Layouts: 0
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow...

Posted: 11/21/2012 2:09:50 PM
I would cut my guest list in half before I even thought of not inviting spouses of guests.

Scrapalotomous
2 Headed Tasmanian Pea

PeaNut 106,860
September 2003
Posts: 6,202
Layouts: 24
Loc: The Apple Isle

Posted: 11/21/2012 2:22:13 PM
I was invited to a wedding once and DH was not. It was an old family friend who I had known since early years and then not really seen from the end of high school till her wedding. I had stayed in touch with her parents though (She had moved interstate right after high school)

Anyway - she returned here for her wedding. I had never met her DH to be and she had never met my DH. I was telephoned by the mother and asked whether I, or DH, would be offended if, because of numbers being tight, the invitation was only extended to me.

I didn't mind. Dh could not have given a rats arse either.

So - in some circumstances I do think it is OK but in general I would have to say rude.


Sally

Georgiapea
Mom to the Wild Things.

PeaNut 96,783
July 2003
Posts: 28,225
Layouts: 0
Loc: Altoona, Alabama

Posted: 11/21/2012 2:27:03 PM
Oh, that would not work for me. If she has to trim her guest list, so be it, but to only invite the wife or husband, depending on which one she knows, that's really not acceptable.

obsidian
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 300,909
March 2007
Posts: 2,338
Layouts: 1
Loc: Waikato

Posted: 11/21/2012 3:51:16 PM
Whats wrong with the couple?

I have had this happen many times.

First time it was a beard marriage, between a lesbian and a gay guy. They thought they would have babies at some time. The marriage didn't last. They both eventually came out.

Second time it was between a sterile gay guy and his beard. They both wanted bio children. They are still together but both have long term partners no children. It turned out she was sterile too. *sigh.*

Third wedding it was for a green card.

4th was for inheritance.

I have never been to normal wedding where one guest was uninvited. Fake weddings it's pretty standard. If I get an invite for just me my first reaction is what is wrong? Are they marring for inheritance to avoid having to pay for IVF? Companionship. A green card?

mirabelleswalker
My president has 6-pack abs.

PeaNut 175,521
November 2004
Posts: 11,718
Layouts: 14
Loc: Here today, gone to Morocco.

Posted: 11/21/2012 4:03:38 PM
How many people is she having?

We had a tiny wedding--20 people. That's all the room would hold. I only invited family and my BFF was my MOH. Her husband was invited. DH's family members all live very far away, and he had a few friends he wanted but inviting any spouses would have bumped another friend from the list. He invited 4 friends with no spouses. He talked to them up front about it. Everyone who was invited came. Nobody seems to have had any hard feelings. Because it was so small, I think people were honored to have been asked to participate.

If the list was 100 people it would be a different story.



megmc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 497,090
January 2011
Posts: 7,223
Layouts: 1

Posted: 11/21/2012 4:11:11 PM
hum. this gal needs to rethink her reception. Tea and tea sandwiches, mini-cookies, and wedding cake would do for a reception.

later in the evening they could a nice dinner with close family.

batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 11/21/2012 4:28:30 PM

But I don't think I'd decline an invitation based solely on whether or not my husband was included on it.



I wouldn't either. But the problems it would cause (hard feelings, misunderstandings, declines) would not be worth it.



OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




Kate-pea
PeaFixture

PeaNut 146,398
May 2004
Posts: 3,548
Layouts: 1

Posted: 11/21/2012 5:29:17 PM
Obsidian, your post was cracking me up!

I've never been to a fake wedding - I know people who have had fake marriages, but they didn't invite anyone else to participate.

If I ever get an invite that excludes my DH, I will now wonder...
Show/Hide Icons . Show/Hide Signatures
Hide
{{ title }}
{{ icon }}
{{ body }}
{{ footer }}