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Posted 11/26/2012 by obsidian in NSBR Board
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PeaNut 159,041
July 2004
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Loc: Maryland

Posted: 11/26/2012 7:40:56 PM
My family and his family were totally blind sided when my husband had an affair. They didn't think he was the type that would do that. He was the perfect family man. Worked hard, loved his kids, loved me. However, I saw it coming for months. As I said, I knew something was wrong. I just couldn't reach him. Marriage takes two people. If one person has checked out, there isn't much the other can do.

And yes, if the cheating spouse put in half the energy into the marriage that they expend by having an affair, their problems would probably go away in quick order. Instead they compound those problems by lying, and sneaking around and betraying the one person that probably loves them most on this planet. They are broken. And if they leave their marriage without understanding this, they will remain broken.

Will trade mosquitoes for cookies.

PeaNut 416,788
March 2009
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Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World, again.

Posted: 11/26/2012 8:17:02 PM

Maybe monogamy isn't natural...

something to think about.

Monogamy is a commitment. It can be very challenging to maintain. It isn't natural, and that's why it is so prized.

Adultery isn't aberrant. It's base. Fidelity requires someone to rise above these natural urges.

If PC is the way to get to Heaven, I'm going straight to Hell.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 340,335
October 2007
Posts: 6,352
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Loc: Colorado

Posted: 11/26/2012 9:08:16 PM

I have traveled a lot and tend to view humans as driven by two competing biological urges the urge to mate with as many genetically receptive individuals as possible and the urge to create a stable pair bond to keep children safe until adulthood.

"the urge to mate with as many genetically receptive individuals as possible"? Blech! I'm a human being, not an animal. I have emotions, logic, reasoning, etc, etc, etc. Adultery is about breaking a promise one has made to another, not about having as much sex as possible.


Manic Mom of 2

PeaNut 274,243
August 2006
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Loc: Northeast

Posted: 11/26/2012 10:14:39 PM
Not the end of the world, although it would be heartbreaking...I have always said that is something I would not tolerate in my marriage. No second chances. I wonder now that I have young kids if I would stand my ground on that. I hope I never have to find out!

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PeaNut 560,541
July 2012
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Posted: 11/26/2012 10:17:52 PM
This might sound bad but perhaps women/men wouldn't cheat if they were involved in "swinging" relationships.. It seems to be more and more common now-a-days.. My ex cheated ... It sucked.. But I got over it fast because I realized that he still had much to get out of his system.. Something I had done before we met.. Darn should've given him a "hall-pass" lol .. Aah such is life
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Old Dogs are Best!

PeaNut 92,987
June 2003
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Loc: With my dogs

Posted: 11/26/2012 10:27:25 PM
It can feel like it. BTW you can have an affair without sex too. It's the emotional betrayal. That they give "everything" to this other person.

For me, and most of our family, the deal breaker is abuse.

Every MOM is a working mom!
"Retired" after 22 years of an Air Force Career

REMEMBER this Veterans Day

To quote Wayne Gretzky, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take."

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PeaNut 292,641
January 2007
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Posted: 11/27/2012 12:05:10 AM

When there's an affair, I believe it's a symptom of what's wrong with the marriage

Isn't that a line from When Harry Met Sally? And Billy Crystal's follow up to that line was something like, "Oh yeah? Well that symptom is f*cking my wife."
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PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 15,755
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Loc: England UK

Posted: 11/27/2012 2:54:36 AM

Monogamy is a commitment. It can be very challenging to maintain. It isn't natural, and that's why it is so prized.

Adultery isn't aberrant. It's base. Fidelity requires someone to rise above these natural urges.

I like this succinct summary very much.

Today, I will be colouring outside the lines.

Got Samoas?

PeaNut 70,391
February 2003
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Loc: Norfolk VA

Posted: 11/27/2012 7:10:12 AM
I don't think it can ever be categorized. I think we do a disservice to ourselves as human beings when we try to say things like, "A cheating spouse is ..." or "The spouse who is cheated on is" whatever.

We're humans. We're more complex than situations that can be neatly categorized.

When our friends' marriages are ended by an affair, when famous people scr#w the maid and get her pregnant and then try to hide that for a decade even though the son they conceived is hanging out in the house and playing with your son ... we want to categorize things, to figure out why they happened, in hopes that we can prevent it from happening to us.

I think that your only defenses against adultery are trust and communication. And part of trust is: Did you marry a person who is worthy of that trust? Because some people, no matter how they seem, turn out not to be worthy. But you might not know that until after it happens. Which is why communication is so important.

Sometimes people say, "She HAD to know he was cheating on her." Well, no. Maybe she was married to a really, really good liar. Sometimes morons say, "If she was getting what she needed, she wouldn't have needed to cheat." Well, no, because some people can be getting their freak on with their spouse six times a day and STILL have an itch to cheat that they *must* scratch.

For every situation that someone wants to state in terms of absolutes, there are many exceptions.

Finally Four of Us
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PeaNut 30,457
February 2002
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Loc: Texas

Posted: 11/27/2012 8:00:22 AM
I think that the famous saying - you never know what you would do until it happens to you - def applies to this. I am 62 and have seen alot of this happen to friends, family, etc. Most of these people have said repeatedly, usually regarding someone else dealing with adultry -- I would leave them in a heartbeat !

But - when it happens to you, you don't always act like you thought you would. Of course, every situation is different.

I suppose it boils down to not judging someone else - ever.

~~ Marianne ~~


PeaNut 285,775
November 2006
Posts: 2,688
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Posted: 11/27/2012 9:16:31 AM
End of the world..No. But the person who was cheated on might feel like it is. For some reason that is the ultimate betrayal to me. The person who cheated is the one with the problem. Horrible to do that to your spouse\SO.

Could you recover YES..Staying with Spouse or moving on with life.


PeaNut 463,295
April 2010
Posts: 4,172
Layouts: 3
Loc: New York City

Posted: 11/27/2012 10:27:35 AM

Monogamy is a commitment. It can be very challenging to maintain. It isn't natural, and that's why it is so prized.

Adultery isn't aberrant. It's base. Fidelity requires someone to rise above these natural urges.

I love this!! And I completely agree!


Turning holy water into wine

PeaNut 27,168
January 2002
Posts: 22,427
Layouts: 27
Loc: Hanging out by the state line

Posted: 11/27/2012 10:46:17 AM

Fidelity requires someone to rise above these natural urges.

I completely agree. We as humans rise above many natural urges to live in a civil society.

Young Country Pea

PeaNut 203,705
May 2005
Posts: 6,709
Layouts: 163

Posted: 11/27/2012 10:25:17 PM

End of the world? No, though after you find out, you may wish it was.

When I found out my spouse of 23 years (together 30) was having a long term affair, I was devastated. I cannot imagine ever being that emotionally torn apart by another human being. I was told by a psychologist that adultery is more damaging than being widowed because of the issues of betrayal and broken trust. It is the hardest, most heart breaking thing I could ever imagine living through, outside the death of one of my children.

That being said, it was not the end of the world. It was a hell that I survived. I may be a bit battered and broken, but there is life after adultery. Not with the asshole who betrayed me - I deserve better than him.

I agree with this word for word. I will say that I am not a bitter jaded woman at all. I am jaded against men who refuse to communicate or men who refuse therapy. Everyone at this age has "issues" with past relationships, some more than others. The trick to life after surviving infidelity is to find someone that you can weather the storm clean-up together. And communication is the #1 most important part of that.



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PeaNut 36,046
April 2002
Posts: 3,180
Layouts: 531
Loc: British Columbia

Posted: 11/28/2012 12:52:03 AM
I am just a year out of my marriage. My husband left me...and I found out about 4 months after the fact that he'd had a five year affair during our marriage. I am still confused almost everyday how it could've happened to me? I am not a stupid woman...I know that people cheat. My husband travelled a lot for work, and I never thought to not trust him. I HATE that he took away my confidence by this act. I absolutely know that he is responsible for what he did...but it still does something to you that I hope one day I will be able to get over

Dealbreaker - 100% yes for me.

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