|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:02:06 PM|
Yesterday, our RE dr told us we were all ready to go for an insemination on Monday. We were asked if we were prepared to do selective reduction if necessary. He said that was a 20% chance of having 4 babies implant. HOLY COW!! We have struggled for 8 years to carry a baby to term. (I've had 4 miscarriages in the last 10 years, with one successful pregnancy 8 years ago.)
My DH and I had a long heart to heart last night. We both believe that life begins at conception, so selective reduction is not an option for us. And for other various reasons, (some of them being health/age) we decided last night to let go of having another baby.
I was up until almost 3am crying. And this morning at church, I swear all the talk was baby talk. The Pastor became a grandpa, another couple had a second trip to the hospital for what they thought was labor, another announced her pregnancy, the two women sitting in front of me are pregnant. And of course, since it's the Christmas season the whole service had baby references. I cried thru the whole hour.
Tonight, at dinner with my in-laws I had to stop holding my 5 month old niece because I kept starting to cry. Of course, no one in our family knows of our struggles, so I can't tell them why I'm crying. Luckily no one noticed, so I didn't have to say anything.
I was on Pinterest earlier looking at the popular pins, and 45% of them were baby related, so I stopped looking.
I know, I'm lucky to have the healthy one that I have, but only one was not how I envisioned my life. (I sometimes can't help but feel like a failure.) I have a husband who loves me, who provides wonderfully for our family, an amazing group of friends and a child that sometimes frustrates me to no end, but I would do anything for. And I love them all.
So, if you are the praying type, please pray for me. I really need all of them I can get.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:13:50 PM|
(((Hugs))) I will keep you in my prayers.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:14:08 PM|That is such a difficult decision, and I know I would have to do the same thing. I will absolutely keep you and your family in my prayers! Hugs!
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:20:51 PM|
I'm very sorry for all you are going through. Sending big hugs to you. You have been through so many disappointments. I hope you find peace in the decision you made even though it wasn't what you were hoping for. I'm very sorry things didn't work out as you dreamed.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:21:38 PM|
I'm so sorry! You are not alone! Our only child is 17 years old. We did years of infertility treatment & it's still heartbreaking. Embracing Plan B is tough. Hugs & prayers!
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:23:12 PM|
I'm so sorry for your losses and the most recent decision that you had to make. You have my prayers.
Loc: in the deep South
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:24:17 PM|
Sending you prayers and hugs. Yes, it's hard because it is letting go of a dream. We were in that same situation when we were TTC and just couldn't get past a lot of the same moral dilemmas associated with IVF, so we stopped TTC biological children. We now have three beautiful adopted children, but it took 5 years to heal and move on and come to terms with things before we were ready to move forward with adoption plans. I realize that might not be a decision that's right for you, but I just wanted you to know that I've been down that road and it's hard....for you it's like a death in a way but people don't sympathize in the same way or don't understand the grief, so it's isolating and the holidays make it extra hard since they're so children-oriented. Feel free to PM me if you want.
|"Patience is knowing it will happen and giving it time to."---Rodney White
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:27:17 PM|
((Hugs)) Sounds like you followed your heart and beliefs in making your decision... I have so much respect for you making such a heart wrenching decision... (((Hugs)))
I drank the whole fairy.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:27:58 PM|
I'm so sorry. I understand how you feel and it is incredibly hard to be officially "done" even when you're in on the decision making.
Mom X 1
Plus Peanut and Ollie in Heaven
Loc: where the Tide Rolls
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:28:57 PM|I know exactly how you feel. After 19 years of dealing with infertility DH and I made the decision in October to stop trying. It's been very difficult knowing our 10 year old DD will not have the sibling she has wanted for so long. The Christmas season is certainly not helping since we lost one of our babies on December 23, 2010.
I didn't mean to make this about my sorrow, I just wanted you to know you are not alone. So far the pain has not gotten better with time, but there have been whole days that go by and I don't think about it. But when I do the crushing pain is still there.
Hugs and Prayers
|"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him...or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He did not leave that option open to us. He did not intend to."
C. S. Lewis - Mere Christianity
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
Loc: somewhere dreaming
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:30:32 PM|
Prayers and Hugs to you.
Loc: Central California
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:40:34 PM|
I am sorry your heart is hurting. Praying you will find some peace.
Mom, wife, CASA advocate, baseball fanatic and wine drinker
Blogging my way through life at Meandering Steph
Long ago Barney
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:42:00 PM|
Why don't you do two and commit to having both? Is that an option? I feel for ya but just hunting for a way to accommodate ur beliefs-which I agree with.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 10:44:05 PM|I am so so sorry. I cannot imagine how heartbreaking that must be.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 11:02:29 PM|
Why don't you do two and commit to having both?
We were not doing an IVF cycle. We used some drugs, Clomid, Follistim and a trigger shot. So, if we would have gotten pregnant, there would be no control on how many implanted. And due to the amount of ready follicles tests showed, the dr wanted us to be prepared for the possibly of 4 babies. We had always known there was a chance of multiples, but either one of us ever thought pass twins. It never occurred to us.
Thanks for those who shared their stories. And for those who offered support and prayers. I really appreciate them.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 11:04:40 PM|
Words fail me, my heart aches for you xxx
|Posted: 12/2/2012 11:13:08 PM|I'm so sorry you had to face such a hard decision. I'm also sorry to hear that you've been struggling for so long and have not told your family. That has got to be a burden in and of itself.
Loc: Enjoying the humid continental climate zone.
|Posted: 12/2/2012 11:31:11 PM|
Prayers and hugs coming your way. This must be the toughest decision you've had to face and I'm so sorry.
I agree with your belief and I think you are being selfless in making the decision you've made. God sees your obedience. I pray He gives you and your husband comfort and peace with your choice.
Loc: SW USA
|Posted: 12/3/2012 12:40:29 AM|
Hugs and prayers for you. May you find peace and comfort with your family.
|Posted: 12/3/2012 12:55:49 AM|
Praying for peace and healing for your heart. As someone who couldn't have kids, I understand how the sadness can just hollow you out sometimes.
|Posted: 12/3/2012 7:52:55 AM|
I will include you and your husband in my prayers. I also wanted to say, I think your very courageous in letting go of your dream because of your beliefs. That is such a moving statement.
I did fertility with each child, we have 1 here on earth and 1 in heaven. After our daughter passed away at birth, it became almost an obsession that I HAD TO HAVE 1 MORE! We had a hard 9 months, and I finally told my husband that we were trying only one more month. I needed to let go of the dream as well, and value what was right in front of me. I conceived that month and we are expecting twins.....I also released 4 eggs. My difference is I always said to myself "if I can't get 1 to stick why would 4?". The twins surprised me. I just didn't think it would happen!
I'm sharing not to cause you upset, but to say I too hit that wall. And God let me know what the plan was. I, again find you and your husband an inspiration and I hope your dream isn't over....just maybe getting a rewrite!
|Posted: 12/3/2012 8:21:50 AM|
Sounds like you followed your heart and beliefs in making your decision... I have so much respect for you making such a heart wrenching decision...
I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.
My prayer is that you will have peace with your decision, and that you will find many unexpected blessings in the days and years ahead.
|Life is mostly froth and bubble, two things stand like stone. Kindness in another's trouble, courage in your own. -Adam Lindsay Gordon|
|Posted: 12/3/2012 8:26:57 AM|
Prayers for you and your DH
Loc: Greater London
|Posted: 12/3/2012 8:27:33 AM|
I am so sorry for your pain. I will keep you in my prayers.
|Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still.|
Loc: At the intersection of Hooterville and Stars Hollow
|Posted: 12/3/2012 11:15:28 AM|
Thinking of you and sending prayer and best wishes for comfort, peace and future joy to arise from your difficult decision.
Loc: Nort Dakotah
|Posted: 12/3/2012 11:31:23 AM|
I am so sorry, we struggled with many of the same issues as you. I hope that it becomes easier.
Loc: Nort Dakotah
|Posted: 12/3/2012 11:31:28 AM|
I am so sorry, we struggled with many of the same issues as you. I hope that it becomes easier.
Thread Killer Extraordinaire
|Posted: 12/3/2012 11:40:31 AM|
I will pray for you what I prayed for myself during a very similar situation: May God fill your heart and home with love, in whatever way He wills.
Gentle hugs, my friend. I've been there - and it is so very hard.
My turn to hit the PEAnata!!!
Loc: SCV, CA
|Posted: 12/3/2012 11:43:02 AM| hang in there
Beeswax None of Yours Inc.
Loc: In Utah...not eating Jello
|Posted: 12/3/2012 11:51:15 AM|
As someone who has also dealt with infertility I Know how emotional it is. What's difficult decision to make. I'm so sorry that you are hurting. It's very hard to see those around you get something that you would do anything for you. As you said this season brings a lot of talk about babies but this is also a season for peace and I truly hope you are able to find some in the coming months. Sending you prayers for comfort and lots of hugs.
|Posted: 12/3/2012 2:46:26 PM|
Finally, you say that no one in your families knows of your struggles. May I gently suggest that part of your healing process might include cluing them in, in a way that doesn't invite prying questions? Something along the lines of "we have been struggling for a while, and need to let you know why. We had hoped and prayed for a little brother or sister for ______, and we have reached the end of treatments we feel comfortable with. Please don't ask for details or give us advice. We simply ask for your prayers and patience and understanding as we adjust to our decision to stop the medical intervention and enjoy the family we have." And then if someone is so rude to ask what you've tried or whose "fault" it is, or suggest that you XYZ, repeat "we want to keep this private".
What you may find is that those close to you suspected something was amiss, and either guessed what it was or guessed something much worse, and have been worried about you. Keeping the secret forever is not always as good an idea as you think it is. I speak, again, from experience.
Nightowl Scrapper and anyone else who suggested we tell our family, I appreciate your advice. However, this is what is best. I went thru the first miscarriage with everyone in our families knowing. I felt I had to hold others together instead of being able to concentrate on myself. We're not alone, my Mom knows I told her everything (with the exception of this latest decision, but I will soon) about 6 months ago. I had two miscarriages while my Dad was sick/dying, so we couldn't tell them. He was more important. She understood our decision to do things the way we did. Also, my BFF was with me at the hospital for two of my last three miscarriages. The second one (first since my DC) my DH was away on business, so she took me to the ER and the last one, we were away for a girls' weekend so she took me again to the ER.
|Posted: 12/3/2012 2:54:33 PM|
I am so sorry for your pain. It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into what was a very difficult decision.
|When I went to edit my signature, the "Edit Signature" title was spelled wrong. So that was distracting and I forgot what I wanted my new signature to be. |
|Posted: 12/3/2012 3:32:40 PM|((hugs)) I'm so sorry. I wish I had some beautiful words of wisdom & comfort. All I know is that you are not alone on this difficult journey. Please be gentle with yourself as you adjust to your decision.
And FWIW, I understand not sharing much information with your family. Only you know what help or comfort your families could provide. It's okay not to share if that is what is best for you & your DH.
Prayers for God's comfort for you & your DH.
|Posted: 12/3/2012 4:40:59 PM|
Hugs and prayers.
Loc: In crazytown
|Posted: 12/3/2012 5:01:34 PM|
As you have decided to not have another child the point is moot......but.....you don't have to have lots of embryos implanted. You can stick with just one or two.
ETA....ok, read the whole thread. Sorry!
|Posted: 12/3/2012 5:01:40 PM|
I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. A death of a dream (especially one as precious and sacred as the dream for biological children) is still a death.
Give yourself time to grieve, to doubt, and to rail against the unfairness of it all. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal from this pain so you can start to re-imagine a happy future when you're ready. If church isn't a safe place for you right now then take a few weeks off if you must. Just do what you need to to feel what you're feeling and begin to work through it.
I'm sorry that your dreams of a biological family weren't realized in the way you thought/hoped they might be. I'm sorry that you are surrounded by people who can easily get pregnant and can't possibly understand your pain. I'm sorry that this life is wildly unfair. I'm sorry that you are having to lay a dream to rest.
I hope that your act of obedience in following your morals brings you healing and tremendous blessings. In the ashes of this dream I pray that you find beauty.
Infertility is an especially cruel kind of pain. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Know that you're not alone, and though some of us have chosen a different path, we've stood in your shoes and we acknowledge your loss.
|Posted: 12/3/2012 5:11:10 PM|
Not sure if this helps. But our neighbor is going thru the exact same thing. They decided due to the same reason on reduction as you, to limit to having two eggs (sorry don't know correct term) and harvest the rest and will be on their 2nd attempt after the first one didn't work. My heart breaks when she speaks of it and heard it in your op.
I will pray for you guys as well.