I am totally stocking up on sympathy cards after my experience -

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Posted 12/3/2012 by beanbuddymom in NSBR Board


PeaNut 370,521
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Posted: 12/3/2012 1:23:29 PM
First I should tell you my dad passed away Nov 10 - so it's still soon - some days I am fine and others I am not - what are those stages of grief, yes I think I have gone through those many times over.

A friend of the family passed away yesterday quite suddenly and I felt I needed to send in a card in a way I never felt before. Before my dad passed away I hated, really HATED the thought of sympathy cards. "Why would anyone in the world want to get a card like that, it's just a reminder?" was my opinion. I hated the concept and I rarely sent them, only a few times when it was close family and I felt it was the right thing to do but I inside felt bad about sending them.

Well no more, I am telling you - after my dad died my stepmom has been besieged with cards - apparently husband trumps father - even though it's her third husband and my only dad - stacks and stacks of cards - and maybe I am still feeling not so wonderful feelings towards her, it is hurtful in a way that I have received 3. Three. Not three dozen, 3.

I figure it's a generational thing now where everyone facebooks a one liner and calls it good. Even that felt so impersonal, a dozen or so well wishes to me sandwiched between other nonsensical youtube and pinterest posts and requests for farm animals and the like. No one does cards anymore I guess.

SO today when I heard the news I thought I HAVE to send a card. It just feels very empty when you come home and have a few cards to show you the people that care - that aren't the family standing beside you also grieving - but the other people that care about you - facebook just doesn't cut it, folks.

Anyway I've said my piece. I felt the need to post - just like I feel the need to make sure I send cards to those I know that suffer a loss. Please consider that if you have people in your lives that lose a loved one.

Dancing to the end of love.

PeaNut 8,446
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Posted: 12/3/2012 1:38:15 PM
I agree that a card with a handwritten note is a very precious thing to receive when you're grieving. I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad.


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PeaNut 88,246
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Posted: 12/3/2012 1:42:29 PM
I'm sorry for your loss, and the fact that you aren't receiving cards. Things like that matter!

I've been sending an aunt with cancer a card per week.

I just grab 4-5 'encouragement' cards every once in a while when I'm out and about.

I think "all purpose" sympathy cards would be hard to stock up on. I try to choose the sentiment based on the recipient's beliefs, how close I am to them, etc.

Sometimes it takes me a while to select a sympathy card I feel comfortable sending.

--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.

Catty smart aleck

PeaNut 89,450
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Posted: 12/3/2012 1:48:09 PM
I lost my grandmother six weeks ago, and I know exactly how you feel. I had been her health care guardian for several years following my mother's death. Many of my friends and colleagues knew how engaged I was in her life and what was happening. With her death, I am the oldest surviving member of my mother's family. I'm only 44.

Few things bring you comfort during these times than to have people around you acknowledge you are hurting. People always say, "I don't know *what* to say, so I just don't." In my opinion, that's more hurtful than saying the wrong thing.


"It's not how you look but how you see."


PeaNut 231,422
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:27:44 PM
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father. You are right that cards do help you know that people care and are thinking about you. Not just the family in general but you!

After I lost my DH I received a lot of cards but as time goes on and people return to their own lives you are still sad. My aunt sent me cards once a month for a year to remind me that they still cared and that I wasn't alone. It was probably the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. She also sent cards individually to the kids.

I don't know how she knew it would matter but it did.

Again, I am so sorry you lost your father. ((hugs))

Spongemom Scrappants
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PeaNut 297,141
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:35:13 PM

I agree that cards do matter when you lose a loved one. For that same reason, I try very hard to attend funerals because I know how much it meant to me to have so many people at my father's funeral.

If you pea-mail your address, I'd be happy to send you a card. I miss my own father every day and know what a void that leaves in your life.

janet r

PeaNut 22,327
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:39:59 PM
I am so sorry for the loss of your father.

I do agree with what you're saying.

Best Cat Evahhh!

PeaNut 18,741
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:43:44 PM

facebook just doesn't cut it, folks.

So, so true. {{{ hugs }}}


Scrappin Bunny

PeaNut 436,594
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:45:31 PM
I'm sorry for the loss of your father.

At the beginning of every year, I sit down with my scrappy stuff and make a dozen or so sympathy cards so I am ready. Some years I have had to make more later in the year; some years the dozen have been enough.
I've had several experiences over the years of how important it is to receive a sympathy card.

I also understand how you feel about "husaband trumps father". When my Grandma passed away, I was told over and over again, "Tell your mother I'm sorry for her loss." Oookaaay...any sympathy for me losing my grandma? I just had to set it aside and remember that I didn't like being "treated" that way, so I should remember to tell all the family members they have my sympathy when the situation is reversed. (That's a little confusing, I hope you know what I'm trying to say.)


PeaNut 116,261
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:46:13 PM
I so sorry for your loss. (((hugs))) I understand what you are saying about the cards. Lindy, I'm sorry for your loss as well (((hugs)))


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PeaNut 97,456
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:49:03 PM
I couldn't agree more.

My MIL passed away Nov. 1st and I know how touched my DH was by the cards he received...all from elderly family friends. The notes of condolence meant so much more than 100+ 'I'm so sorry for your loss' comments on FB.

It made me realize that I also need to get back to sending an actual card too. We're of an age where our friends are losing their parents, and that tiny gesture means so much to the bereaved.

ETA: I'm sorry for your loss.

pearl-clutching nitpicker

PeaNut 201,774
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Posted: 12/3/2012 2:59:13 PM
I'm very sorry for your loss, too. I lost my dad a few years ago and I know it's a painful experience.

It makes me sad that sending cards and personal notes has fallen out of favor so much in recent years. I think it does make a big difference to people when they hear from their friends.

I agree with Spongemom ... I'd be happy to send you a card, but I have a feeling it wouldn't carry the same weight with you as cards from your real-life friends would.

northern california

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
--Bertrand Russell


PeaNut 460,616
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Posted: 12/3/2012 3:04:22 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I very recently lost my grandmother and I received a couple sympathy cards. I was really touched that someone took the time to think of me. Before this I had thought sending sympathy cards was just dumb. I need to go buy some cards to have on hand.

Mary Kay Lady
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PeaNut 367,913
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Posted: 12/3/2012 3:07:45 PM

I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. I hope that you'll be able to focus on the good times that you had together with him.

If you'll Pea mail me your address, I'd be happy to send you a card.

You're absolutely right about sympathy cards. Last year my dad died. I didn't recieve one sympathy card. Not one.

Stay Gold, Ponyboy

PeaNut 41,779
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Posted: 12/3/2012 3:11:03 PM
I'm so sorry, may your dad's Memory be Eternal.
I agree, sending a sympathy card is an acknowledgement of the loss and I think a very good thing - it's a tangible reminder that you are in people's thoughts.

"She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain." - Louisa May Alcott


PeaNut 455,916
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Posted: 12/3/2012 3:13:02 PM
I am so sorry about your father. ((hugs))

I think "all purpose" sympathy cards would be hard to stock up on. I try to choose the sentiment based on the recipient's beliefs, how close I am to them, etc.
You can buy nice "general" sympathy cards in packs. I keep some at my desk. For people I am close to, I'd buy a more specific card.

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PeaNut 224,352
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Posted: 12/3/2012 3:31:50 PM
I am so very sorry for the loss of your father. I am sure it won't help much, but I do know that many people send them to the home of the deceased for 'the family' vs. sending them out to every family member. I know when my grandmother died, that was how it went and that was long before Facebook.

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PeaNut 114,407
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Posted: 12/3/2012 4:01:14 PM
I am so sorry about the loss o your father. I obviously can't send you a card but will take your words to heart.

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PeaNut 52,817
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Posted: 12/3/2012 4:04:00 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are hurt even more by the thoughtlessness of people.

I think it is lovely that you are using your painful experience to try to ease the pain of others who experience loss.

You're in my thoughts.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 29,331
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Posted: 12/3/2012 5:58:45 PM
I am sorry for the loss of your father. It is a difficult time.

When each of my parents passed away I couldn't believe the difference a card or two in the mailbox made. Yes, I was still hurting but it did feel nice knowing people were thinking of me. Like you, it changed my perspective on mailing out sympathy cards.

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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 340,335
October 2007
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Posted: 12/3/2012 6:46:53 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss!

And while some people may not want to send cards b/c it's a "reminder", the grieving person is going to remember, whether the cards come or not. But it is nice to know that others remember and care.



PeaNut 134,598
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Posted: 12/3/2012 7:31:13 PM
I am sorry about the loss of your father.

Your step mother is probably getting many cards because she herself was probably good at remembering people during their need.

I so agree with you on how important it is to send cards and go to funerals/visitation. It means the world to people and it is so much more meaningful than a fb post.

I try to keep simple "Thinking of You" cards on hand that serve a multitude of uses. Many times I make them from left over scrapbook supplies or purchase multiples of the same card at the dollar store. I write a few sentences to personalize it. Sometimes I just write "I am sorry for your loss". Believe me--it matters and the gesture is the important part.

Once again...I am sorry for your loss.

luv my bulldoggies

PeaNut 24,213
November 2001
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Posted: 12/4/2012 8:11:25 PM
I'm so sorry.... Sending you my sympathy and ((Hugs)))
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