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Luvmygirls
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 77,965
March 2003
Posts: 2,177
Layouts: 5
Loc: Middle of USA
 |  Posted: 12/4/2012 6:03:29 PM
DH's Mother (I do not call her MIL) drives me crazy. She treats my husband and girls (her only child and only grandchildren) like crap. I would be here all day explaining everything she has done to them and this Christmas takes the cake. We just moved back to our hometown after being gone for over 8 years. We invited her over for Christmas eve and have began preparing for the event. DH just told me that something else has come up and she wants to change the date......UGH!!! Knowing her she got a better offer from one of her friends and is now blowing her son and grandchildren off. I don't know if I can sit there and act all happy and full of holiday cheer around her. How do you all do it during the holidays? We have plans for Christmas day with DH's Dad and his family, which we are all looking forward to. My parents are deceased so we don't get together with my side so I really look forward to spending time with his family. To bad she doesn't feel the same. | |
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h*pea*ing
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 231,164
November 2005
Posts: 5,110
Layouts: 8
Loc: Midwest
 | Posted: 12/4/2012 6:09:35 PM
Do you mean your parents are deceased and not diseased?
I would tell her that's the date and too bad. Family should come first over friends at the holidays, especially if that's her only child to have to worry about.
I would continue my plans as normal, make it be up to her to come as things were planned unless there was a really, really good reason otherwise. Since you dh is her only son, then I'm not sure what would trump spending time with him and his family. At least that's how I think. |
~heather~
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MagentaPea
PeaAddict
PeaNut 244,947
January 2006
Posts: 1,389
Layouts: 0
Loc: In the Mitten
| Posted: 12/4/2012 6:15:32 PM
So let me get this straight:
1) She drives you crazy so you weren't looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with her
2) Since she isn't spending Christmas Eve with you, you're upset
Either way, she can't win in your eyes. Enjoy Christmas Eve without her. Both you and she will probably be happier that way. | |
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2boysandwill
My turn to hit the PEAnata!!!
PeaNut 121,208
December 2003
Posts: 13,119
Layouts: 71
Loc: SCV, CA
 | Posted: 12/4/2012 6:21:30 PM
I would try to work it out with her... | |
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Luvmygirls
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 77,965
March 2003
Posts: 2,177
Layouts: 5
Loc: Middle of USA
| Posted: 12/4/2012 6:21:32 PM
Do you mean your parents are deceased and not diseased?
Oops I do that all the time. Thanks I corrected it.
1) She drives you crazy so you weren't looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with her
2) Since she isn't spending Christmas Eve with you, you're upset
1. I was looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with her and maybe just maybe "starting over" since we just moved back, but that isn't gonna happen.
2. I'm upset because she changed the date, most likely because she got a better offer, probably from one of her friend.
Sorry if I'm not making sense I'm just venting. | |
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Luvmygirls
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 77,965
March 2003
Posts: 2,177
Layouts: 5
Loc: Middle of USA
| Posted: 12/4/2012 6:22:00 PM
I would try to work it out with her...
Been trying to do that for over 15 years. | |
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FlaMom
Thread Killer Extraordinaire
PeaNut 29,166
February 2002
Posts: 6,028
Layouts: 12
Loc: BFE
 | Posted: 12/4/2012 6:26:58 PM
Embrace your immediate family and the traditions you have built. She's not going to change, so the sooner you let go of that expectation, the saner you'll stay. (((hugs))) |
Tammy
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manomo
PeaNut
PeaNut 249,133
February 2006
Posts: 437
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/4/2012 6:29:02 PM
"I'm sorry Christmas Eve won't work for you. We were looking forward to spending that time with you. Maybe next year." | |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
 | Posted: 12/4/2012 6:29:42 PM
You have two options - either try to work it out or write her off (emotionally, not literally). Since you said you've been trying with her for 15 years and it's gotten you nowhere, you're probably ready to accept that she is who she is and you can't change her. She has shown you multiple times exactly what kind of person she is - now is the time for you to accept that, and stop trying with her. And when she acts this way, expect it. | |
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readsomething
Got Samoas?
PeaNut 70,391
February 2003
Posts: 7,678
Layouts: 1
Loc: Norfolk VA
| Posted: 12/4/2012 6:32:34 PM
I say this with respect, as someone who has BTDT with my own family:
You won't be able to change her. She has made it abundantly clear that she has little interest in doing what to YOU is the right thing.
You can't change what she is doing or how she feels. You need to move on. Enjoy the Christmas Day event with your FIL and his family. She has made her choice, and that choice isn't to spend time with your family on Christmas Eve. I would tell her that you're sorry she can't make it, and I would leave it at that. Do not change the date or change your plans to suit her. She can't make the date and time of your invitation, so that's that. |
Heather
Finally Four of Us
Regional vice president of the National Sarcasm Society (Like We Need Your Support)
Senior Executive Vice President, Dunder-Mifflin Paper Co., Scranton PA
"Every time I use a coupon, Satan gets another one of his toenails pulled out."
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Luvmygirls
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 77,965
March 2003
Posts: 2,177
Layouts: 5
Loc: Middle of USA
| Posted: 12/4/2012 6:38:21 PM
She has shown you multiple times exactly what kind of person she is - now is the time for you to accept that, and stop trying with her. And when she acts this way, expect it
It's hard for me to accept this since she is my daughter's only Grandma alive and I so want them to have a close relationship with her. It has to go both ways though, and from her actions it doesn't seem like she want's a close Grandmotherly relationship with them. Makes me miss my Mom even more because she was such a great Grandma. She loved to spend time with my girls. | |
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shescrafty2
PeaFixture
PeaNut 178,427
November 2004
Posts: 3,344
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 12/4/2012 6:47:15 PM
My MIL shows such blatant favoritism for the other grandkids it is not funny. My DD is 6 and every year my MIL makes a gingerbread house with the teenager (now 17) and decorates sugar cookies. I have drpped hints many times about including my kids and my DD who is 6 is probably at an age where she would LOVE to do that with her cousin and grandma. She even asked to do it with them this year and today on FB I saw the house that the 2 of them made together without my DD.
Also at Christmas they ALWAYS say that what my kids ask for is too expensive (usually about $$$50-75) but then complain that they do not know what to get them. I don't care if they spent $50 or $5, but when the the other grandkids get shopping trips "just because" on a regular basis and get $300-$400 dollars worth of stuff every Christmas it pisses me off to no end! |
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your true character is shown not by how you treat people you agree with, but how you treat those you don't
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Kim M.
"I am the holder of Virgin Superpowers. Really."
PeaNut 73,616
March 2003
Posts: 13,163
Layouts: 254
Loc: Living in Kim's Perfect World
| Posted: 12/4/2012 7:19:50 PM
It's not a Sunday picnic. It's Christmas Eve. It's the 24th of December every.single.year. There is no changing the date.
Just let her know that the plans are made for Christmas Eve and you really hope that she will join you all for the evening, dinner, presents, whatever the plan is. Let her know the door is open. Then, go on with your plans knowing that she may or may not show up.
Leave it at that.
You can not form a relationship between your DDs and your MIL. She has to do that (as the adult) or your girls will need to learn how to when they are old enough to do that. |
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TinCin
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 29,331
February 2002
Posts: 6,221
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in the palm of the hand.
| Posted: 12/4/2012 7:29:13 PM
"I hope you enjoy yourself, maybe next year." If she suggests a different day and we were free, sure. If we had other plans then she would have to work around me. |
| PROUD MEMBER OF UAW LOCAL 659 - Home of the Sit-Down Strike! | |
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icedpea
BucketHead
PeaNut 562,203
July 2012
Posts: 807
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/4/2012 7:58:08 PM
That's what MIL's are for! I think you should enjoy the day without her. Mine once bought every grandchild a gigantic gift, except for mine. The next year one kid got an iPod touch, the first year they came out. Mine got a $20 gift card. I'm not materialistic at all, but the favoritism made my kids hate going there. Enjoy the time with your immediate family. I know I would! | |
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pennyring
Thrift Ninja
PeaNut 226,011
October 2005
Posts: 22,415
Layouts: 40
Loc: Rite Aid
| Posted: 12/4/2012 8:50:10 PM
DH and I both come from divorced families. We're used to doing Xmas times 4. Typically, we pick a weekend and visit one set of family Saturday, second set Sunday, third set Xmas eve, fourth set Xmas day. All of these are viable options in my eyes. None better or worse than the others.
The point is spending time together. Just pick a different day.
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
| Posted: 12/4/2012 9:25:11 PM
I can absolutely understand that you really want your daughter to have that special granddaughter-grandmother bond that they're missing out on since you lost your mother. But I'm sorry to say that it doesn't sound like they will be able to have that with your MIL. And for you to keep hoping otherwise is going to lead to heartache over and over  | |
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Georgiapea
Mom to the Wild Things.
PeaNut 96,783
July 2003
Posts: 26,435
Layouts: 0
Loc: Poss-a-Dillo Hill, Ozark, AL
| Posted: 12/4/2012 10:09:49 PM
I'd just say "Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry we can't change the date, it has to fit in with our total holiday schedule". Seriously, I wouldn't cave. If you do, she will pull the same thing next time just to control you. | |
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TravelAgent
Resident Smart Ass
PeaNut 294,429
January 2007
Posts: 12,673
Layouts: 7
Loc: Indiana
 | Posted: 12/4/2012 10:38:13 PM
Here's how I look at situations like this: I am planning X. It will be at my house starting at X time. I'm doing this because it will make me/my immediate family that lives under this roof happy.
If you choose not to be part of it, that is on you, not me. I will still have my dinner/party/event and I will still be happy.
Julie |
| www.indianapolisonthecheap.com | |
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Burning Feather
I conceived but I can't see you
PeaNut 158,336
July 2004
Posts: 36,207
Layouts: 3
Loc: Ain't no black widow serial killer going to get between me and my man
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nlwilkins
PeaAddict
PeaNut 280,462
October 2006
Posts: 1,836
Layouts: 2
Loc: Central Texas
| Posted: 12/5/2012 12:20:24 AM
That special relationship between grandmother and granddaughter really is not that plentiful. It is almost rare nowadays (though I am sure that there will be multiple peas chiming in to say how they know of so many of them)
I would have loved to have hada special relationship with my grandmother. I would have loved for my daughters to have had a special relationship with my mother. But it did not happen and was not possible. My daughter is trying real hard to help us develop a special relationship with her son. Maybe that will happen and maybe it won't.
You cannot force a woman to love your children the way you want her to. Nor can you force a woman to make her son and her son's family a priority in her life. Everybody is different. Possibly if you let go the dream of a special relationship between your family and her, you might be able to see her as she really is and find positive things about her. (Maybe not, but it doesn't hurt anything to try) But it seems to me that you are expecting her to be YOUR idea of what a mother and grandmother should be. Thus you are missing out on the type of woman she really is.
Forgive me for coming on with such a sermon, but this strikes home to me as my mother never was the motherly type and did not do grandmother very well either. But she was an awesome woman that wowed many a person. |
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megmc
AncestralPea
PeaNut 497,090
January 2011
Posts: 4,932
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 12/5/2012 1:00:33 AM
let it go. You aren't going to get her to be any nicer. my husband's parents were always doing the same thing. Their friends were more important than their family. | |
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
Posts: 23,525
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right here
| Posted: 12/5/2012 6:34:38 AM
I am sorry you are feeling such stress and hope you have a lovely Christmas Eve with just your immediate family.  |
Dog people are a special breed! | |
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froggy one
PeaAddict
PeaNut 479,242
August 2010
Posts: 1,113
Layouts: 0
Loc: In my own mind
| Posted: 12/5/2012 8:33:17 AM
I would enjoy a quiet Christmas Eve without her. You offered her the invitation that is all you can do.
If she is anything like my DH's mother there is no trying to work it out. I have been married for 40 years and it has only gotten worse. She is a hateful outspoken woman. I would give anything not to have to see her for Christmas. |
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Free~Bird
Honorary Bearcat!
PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
Posts: 9,948
Layouts: 3
Loc: Missouri
| Posted: 12/5/2012 9:33:25 AM
I heard a story once...
"Once you hate someone, everything they do is going to piss you off."
"Look at that bitch eating crackers like she OWNS the place."
In this situation, she's just annoying you because she annoys you.
But I do believe you when you say you could write a novel on her. I have a couple family members like that. |
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mikklynn
PeaAddict
PeaNut 294,285
January 2007
Posts: 1,523
Layouts: 1
Loc: Minnesota
| Posted: 12/5/2012 10:05:11 AM
The only way to stop going crazy is to stop having unrealistic expectations. I have BTDT. My MIL is a lovely woman, but she is NOT warm and fuzzy. She is not an active grandma or greatgrandma. Accept it.
Let your husband deal with her. Once I accepted who my MIL was and let DH deal with her, our lives became much more peaceful.
You have invited her. She declined. Have your Christmas Eve and let it go.
I mean all of this in the nicest possible way. I spent years trying to make my MIL be what I thought she should be. It's never going to happen. |
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