Help! 13yo DD accused of hitting a student...I need some help please! UPDATE

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Posted 12/4/2012 by dietcokejunkee in NSBR Board
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dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:14:14 PM
My dd calls after school crying that some girl accused her of punching her in the stomach and she is in trouble. The story from DD is that DD asked girl to move and girl didn't and went to tickle DD and it was more of a hard jab in the ribs and dd fell back and told girl to get away. Class hadn't started and only a few others in the room. DD tells me she hears rumors at lunch that the girl is asking for people to back her up and say DD hit her. A few hours later the girl goes to office and complains her stomach now hurts because she was hit hours ago by DD. DD is called into office and girl admits to poking/tickling DD but DD does not admit to punching girl. DD tells me the AP (asst. principal) says he doesn't believe her and they will get to the bottom of this tomorrow.

DD swears up and down she didn't hit girl and never confessed to do so.

I AM NOT SAYING DD IS PERFECT. What I am saying is she swears she is telling the truth and I have to believe her. DD's personality is such in that she's a mentally tough kid. I've always said she's a 50yo professor trapped in a child's body. She's wise beyond her years and doesn't tolerate children well, if that makes sense. She has no filter and speaks what's on her mind (much to my dismay).

I want to email her teachers and ask if they ever experienced bad behavior from DD in class. Is this wrong at this time? I just feel I need some ammunition. There are kids who don't like her because of her attitude (she ignores them and doesn't text back if she doesn't want to answer/have anything to say and girls see this as rude behavior...DD could care less). She just doesn't tolerate children. Teachers love her because she is quick to understand and excels in school (from reviews/conferences).

I work in a school and I am familiar with kids BS. I have to believe and protect my kid. She is not violent at home. Teachers give her glowing reviews. She's a bit of a know-it-all and several kids don't care for her.

What can I do? The punishment for hitting a classmate is suspension.

------------------------------
UPDATE:
I got a conference call from AP who said he believes DD did it because she admitted yesterday to him that she did it. Counselor confirms. DD told them last night that said she didn't know why; it was just a reaction to hit her when she was poked. I never heard this from DD at all last night. She then says during this conference call she didn't hit the girl and that she was forced into saying she did. (DD is at home and swears up and down that she didn't punch her and that she doesn't know why she confessed but it was her first reaction and now she takes it back....sounds fishy, I know).

We go back and forth about the situation over the phone. He says she will get in-school a day and half. Other girl a detention for touching inappropriately.

I understand where they stood but questioned why they didn't believe DD that the initial poking was hard and it made her fall back and AP said doesn't believe it was that hard because the other girl said she didn't do it hard and DD was just being over dramatic when she fell in chair. So I asked how does DD have a leg to stand on when they don't believe her statements about how the situation happened but believe the other girls. I asked why did the girl wait hours to go to the nurse? It must have been a hard hit if it hurt hours later. Why didn't she cry in class and why didn't the teacher notice? IN NO WAY DO I BELIEVE HITTING IS RIGHT. But it's just a little weird she waited so long to be hurt. But again, I have no idea how people deal with pain. I just don't believe DD would deliver a hit so hard that it pains someone hours later. That would be a full out punch and it would be dealt with right away, I would think. The girl would be in crying and the teacher would have been involved. But I don't know how it went down (again, according to DD, it didn't even happen)

AP tells me that the girl who she is reported to have hit was asked by another girl if she wanted her to lie and say she saw the whole thing to help her story and get my DD in trouble. So I asked the AP...is it all a story? He said it's not a story. It's just in reference to the situation. He said he will be talking to the girl who said that.

By the time I got to school DD's punishment was dropped to a few after-school detentions. AP said he doesn't know why DD is denying she did it when she confessed. He must have reevaluated the situation and lessened DD's charges.

I had DD excused for the rest of the day to figure out what the heck is going on with her. Is she lying to them? To us? She swears up and down the confession was forced and she didn't do it and six kids are supposed to go in and testify on her behalf. I really hope DD is not lying. She has told me a hundred times she didn't hit the girl. The other girl has no witnesses, just her pain that the nurse reported.

Our plan is to have her serve the detentions and move on with her head held high. I don't know if we will ever know the truth. AP has only talked to one of the 6 who reports not seeing DD hit girl. But who knows if they were even paying attention.

DH and I will be having a chat with DD when he gets home from work tonight. I am waiting to see if there will be anymore info from school. And, of course, get to the bottom of why DD confessed and then didn't tell me and then took it back. WTH? I want to believe my DD but it's weird she would confess and take it back. I wasn't in the room so I don't know how it went down. DD says AP was angry and she was scared. I just don't know what to believe right now...off to pray about it.

Thanks again for all the help!

sunny 5
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:25:11 PM
what ever the outcome of this situation, you need to get your child some help with social skills. these are more important in the workplace today than just pure knowledge in my opinion. look at material from michelle winner (www.socialthinking.com). your daughter needs to learn the "social fake".

she is not wise beyond her years, if she can't get along with peers.

my own daughter has asperger's and has many of the traits you listed. she had 6 years of social skills training..and it has made all the difference. being smart is not the end all and be all. just from my viewpoint. she doesn't have to care...but she has to learn to get along..and not just with forgiving adults.

myshelly
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:27:41 PM
The thing that stands out to me is the AP saying "I don't believe you."

Why would the AP say that?

IME, the admins know the really, really good kids (top of the class, always getting awards, involved in school type kids) even better than they know the "bad" kids (troublemakers).

So why wouldn't the admin believe her?



luckywife
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:30:26 PM
Have your DD write down exactly what happened right now. She can refer back to that when questions are being asked. Tell her to add every single little detail, including all her classmates that were in the room. Being questioned over and over can make things confusing, and having a detailed written account of what happened will help her.


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simplekelly
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:34:34 PM
Because some admins use that "I don't believe you" to try to get a confession or to see the reaction of a student.

If the admin does his job and does the investigation and gets several witness statements he will find out the truth. There are always 2 sides to every story with the truth in the middle. If this is unexpected behavior, I would hang tight and not contact her teachers. If the admin comes back and says all witnesses are giving the same story and it isn't in favor of your dd, the. I would contact the teachers and figure out if there has been a change in her behavior. If the admin is great, he will also ask teachers who know DD and the other student their opinion too.


best,


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simplekelly
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:37:43 PM

IME, the admins know the really, really good kids (top of the class, always getting awards, involved in school type kids) even better than they know the "bad" kids (troublemakers).
considering I do all the discipline, this would absolutely not be true for me. The kids we don't know are middle of the road, fly under the radar kids. We tend to know the very bright and the very naughty equally well.


best,


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bgpa
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:49:16 PM
I hate to throw this into the pic, but keep accurate records of EVERYTHING and if anyone mentions pressing charges, get a lawyer immediately.

My son, when he was 15 (now 26), pushed a girl away who was spitting in his face. The next day he was arrested, handcuffed and shackled at the ankles and spent 5 days in a juvenile detention center 5 hours from home while we waited for court. We didn't get a lawyer, because the juvenile adjudicator assured me that we didn't need one. We ended up paying fines, court costs and my son did a year of probation. My insurance covered the cost of the HIV testing that my son needed from her spit hitting him in the eyes.

The girl who spit in his face got nothing. Her mother had gotten a lawyer.

On the positive side, my son was "scared straight" after that. Between the daily strip searches, other inmates screaming 24/7 and the suicide attempt in the next cell, he knew that he never wanted to experience anything like that again...but it breaks my heart still that he had to go through it in the first place.



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dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:53:02 PM
I can guarantee you she does not have aspergers/autism. She gets along with boys fine and some girls. She's on the volleyball and basketball teams and is a great teammate.

She doesn't care what people think of her and doesn't care about drama; that's why she can't be bothered with most girls. But she does have friends that are girls. She does not want to fake social situations because it's mentally not in her; she sees no advantage. I would never act the way she does but I am a middle child and a people-pleaser. I think she is confident, unreserved and assertive, which is not always a bad thing and not necessarily autistic...

I'll take a look as I am sure social skills training can always help, thanks

I-95
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:55:16 PM
BGPA....that's a horrifying story, and unfortunately, these days, all too believable.

pennyring
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:56:52 PM

The thing that stands out to me is the AP saying "I don't believe you."


Because that's how disciplinary assistant principals operate. I was a Straight A honor student. The disciplinary principal DID NOT know me because I was a good kid.

One time, my BFF skipped class. I happened to be absent (sick) that day. I brought a note from home the next day.

One of my teachers told the office she thought I was skipping with my BFF.

Disciplinary asst. principal, Ms. Smoke, comes into my 6th period class and starts questioning me IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.

I, the child in this case, say, "Let's step into the hall to discuss this."

So we step into the hall and Ms. Smoke tells me she KNOWS I skipped yesterday. She KNOWS my note was a fake. She called and talked to my mom. My mom told her I wasn't home.



And then it all snapped into focus.

SHE. WAS. LYING.

This adult in a position of power was LYING to me. My mom was in college at the time. She left in the morning before we kids left for school. She didn't get home until after we did. There was NO POSSIBLE WAY this horrible woman spoke to my mom.

That's when I called her on her bullshit.

"You did NOT talk to my mom. She is at school. You call her tonight and ASK HER if she wrote my note, BECAUSE SHE DID."

Well then she was stumped. She knew I caught HER in her lie! All while she was calling ME a liar.

Horrible woman.

This is what they do. They call you a liar to get you to confess. I totally believe the asst. principal said that to OP's DD. Because it happened to me.


ETA: Real name used because there's no reason to "protect" her identity.



dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:58:03 PM
what a scary situation, bpga! My worse fear right now is that this other girl suddenly presses charges (when she touched my daughter first yet doesn't seem to be an issue to AP)

Darkangel090260
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Posted: 12/4/2012 10:59:46 PM
I would also have her write down everything she remembers and if this is out of character for her i would stand be hind her 100%

Sunny 5 she does not need to dumb down her child. There are people in the world who do not like there per group and find them annoying. Just because you would like to see your child a clone to her class made's does not meas OP does.



I have quite a few learing disabilitys that effect my spelling a grammer. I do know my grammer and spelling suck. I have been working on this problem all my adult life.

dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/4/2012 11:01:43 PM
good suggestion, luckwife and darkangel. I'll have her write it down in the morning.

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Posted: 12/4/2012 11:05:41 PM
Is it possible to go up to the school in the morning? It is amazing how much more accomodating and believing adults are when they have to deal with another adult vs a child.


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dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/4/2012 11:07:06 PM
Pennyring...what a story! JEEZ, the nerve! I would have no clue that's how they operate and I work in a school. It wouldn't surprise me, of course...

dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/4/2012 11:12:06 PM
I definitely plan on meeting with the AP, but I start work at 7:30 and not sure what time they all report. My boss will let me leave w/o a problem if they can meet, which I will push right away with a phone call to AP. He said he wants to talk with girls tomorrow and get some witnesses together. I am feeling it wont bode well for DD...she said there was really nobody in the class yet when it all supposedly happened. DD has no idea who these so-called witness may be.

dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/4/2012 11:19:33 PM
now I am thinking I should call in sick just in case things turn for the worse. UGH. I am actually sick with worry

I guess what I don't understand is if it did happen, why didn't the kid report it right away? Why wait 4+ hours? IDK...

Pamelou
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Posted: 12/4/2012 11:26:32 PM
I feel for you and your dd. No one wants her child to be uncomfortable at school.

Generally, not always, the situation is not as dire as a child believes. That being said, your duty as a parent is to your child. It is important for her to feel your support for her.

Telling the girls that the situation will be addressed tomorrow may not have been a bad thing for AP to suggest, as the drama, fuss, agitation, commotion, or whatever word fits the situation may ease by the next day.

Also, I would not email teachers asking whether or not dd has behaved badly because one would imagine that if she had behaved inappropriately, you should have already been contacted.

By reading your post, it seems you have an appropriate handle on the situation already. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

bgpa
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Posted: 12/4/2012 11:32:11 PM
If you have extra time that you can take the day off, take it. If it all turns out for the best, have a "girls night" after school with your daughter. She's probably stressed to the gills too. If it doesn't turn out for the best, you will be glad that you have the day available to sort things out, and comfort your DD.

I'm gonna send some seriously positive energy your way right now...first, so that you can sleep tonight, and second, for the strength to be the one in control of the situation tomorrow.


Barb

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Gsquaredmom

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Posted: 12/5/2012 6:50:29 AM
You already have lots of good advice.

Me? I would keep my daughter home from school today while I make a plan and get some legal advice. I would not let her meet with anyone to make a statement without me there to protect her rights.



stampstace
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:00:20 AM
I had an issue with my DS#1 when he was in 8th grade. A student accused him of sexually harassing a girl. I knew it was a lie since DS#! could not even talk to a girl at that age. He would turn bright red and start stuttering every time he tried. The AP said my son was lying. I was able to go in and argue for him. Turns out my son was throwing little paper balls in class but not harassing anyone.The boy who said he was harassing the girl wanted my son kicked off the football team because my son had taken his starting spot. I told the AP to give him ISS for disrupting class but if he put anything saying sexual harassment on his record I would sue the school declamation of character. I was MAD! the AP did not know my kid at all but had sat there for an hour and a half calling my kid a liar before he called me.


Mom to Justin, Joshua, Jenn and furbabies, Jake and Jazz



scrapbean
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:07:40 AM
Are there cameras in this school? We have cameras in both the middle and elementary schools but I'm sure not in every class mostly common areas. I would find out fast as not sure if they record over after certain number of days.

Pridemom
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:26:39 AM
GSquared,
Legal advice for school discipline?

Things I read here leave me speechless.




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Darkangel090260
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:36:08 AM
With how some parent are know for blowing thing up. ya Legal council may not be a bad ideal. It could turn in to a legal problem not just school. there are parents now day that will go after anything and everything. That why our family have a lot striker rule then most. It help cover our back sides.


I have quite a few learing disabilitys that effect my spelling a grammer. I do know my grammer and spelling suck. I have been working on this problem all my adult life.

dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:40:24 AM
No cameras, I don't think...chorus room. I am sending her to school. I am more of a wreck than she.

Should I ask they don't meet with her without my being present? Is this too much to ask? I know here at my school they will meet with students a few times to set the story straight before parents would have to be called in.

littlelambchop
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:46:22 AM
The AP's tactics are the same used by police who get innocent people to confess to crimes they didn't commit. I would advise DD to refuse to talk to the AP about the incident unless you are present.


Lois

Just Tricia
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:50:16 AM
Another question to ask, what disciplinary action is being taken against the other girl fr ADMITTING she put her hands on your daughter?


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gritzi
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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:50:17 AM
Good luck, OP!
Since the AP has supposedly said that he doesn't believe your DD, I would absolutely be present at the meetings!

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Posted: 12/5/2012 7:53:57 AM

Is it possible to go up to the school in the morning? It is amazing how much more accomodating and believing adults are when they have to deal with another adult vs a child
I would be there no matter what it took.

The rule in our home is, any incident, the boys are to write it down immediately and then keep that draft and if they recall something later, they can add to it, but using versioning (v.01, v.02 and so forth) but the copy we take to the school is V1.0 and at that point, I tell them they are done with any revisions.

Too many times adults in power positions act the way Pennyring described and my children cannot effectively 'defend' or 'argue' their point with an adult the way I am able to as a peer to that adult.



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Simply_Lovely
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:13:43 AM

GSquared,
Legal advice for school discipline?

Things I read here leave me speechless.


Did you somehow miss bgpa's story???




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kmk1112
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:21:14 AM

when she touched my daughter first yet doesn't seem to be an issue to AP


In the world of "zero tolerance" policies, who hit first doesn't matter, everyone gets in trouble. If they "proove" your daughter hit her, both girls should get the same punishment.

I think you need to be very careful with things like this because they can turn into legal problems, which is ridiculous IMO, but true.

MergeLeft
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:21:29 AM
This thread has already taken a turn in a sour direction so this will probably fall on deaf ears, but could I advise you not to be swayed by those who paint "all" school administrators with the same very broad brush? This is the kind of misinformation that feeds the "school is out to get my child" mentality and does no one any good.

As a parent I try to remember that there are three sides to any story: your kid's, the other kid's, and the truth, which probably falls somewhere in the middle (and the same often goes for what kids tell us about what teachers and administrators say/do at school). I would agree that you should go in and talk to the administrator today, but please consider doing so with an open mind and level head, instead of going in with the attitude that all administrators always lie to and about children and must therefore be squashed immediately. That kind of attitude is unlikely to result in a good outcome for the meeting.



Gsquaredmom

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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:27:57 AM


GSquared,
Legal advice for school discipline?

Things I read here leave me speechless.


==========================================

I am a teacher who has seen kids get railroaded by the system. The ones who fare the best are those who have strong parental backing and a lawyer in the back pocket. I am saying what I would do if my child were accused of ASSAULT and I thought it unlikely my child did it. If my child did do it, they would take their knocks without my help. But OP's scenario? You bet I would back my kid. Parents of the victim sometimes file civil suits around here, as well, so I would have an interest in fighting something like this.



Really Red
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:30:10 AM

what ever the outcome of this situation, you need to get your child some help with social skills.


I do not see the justification for this at all, based on what OP wrote. I also have a child who speaks her mind and while I wouldn't say she's 50 years old, she's definitely an adult in a child's body. A child who doesn't tolerate other kids might not have a lot of friends, but I don't see a problem with that at all.

As for the other stuff. OMG!! That is every parent's nightmare. If a girl accuses a boy of doing something or anything! It is terrible and I will go with you in saying that your DD is right.

The facts are:
Your DD asked LG (lying girl) to move
LG tickled your DD
LG tells AP that your DD hit her.
Your DD says Not True

I would immediately see AP and ask what is going on. Let AP tell you the details. You don't say how old your DD is, but it sounds like she's in her early to mid teens? Don't email other teachers, but if there are any witnesses, find out. Remind AP that your DD is an excellent student and has no other problems. Let AP know that your DD heard at lunch that the other girl was going to get her friends to back her up. If DD knows who was around, that would be a great help.

I know there are Peas who are concerned about calling in lawyers, but in our school system, if you punch someone, you are automatically suspended and your work doesn't count. Depending on your DD's age, this can be important.

Good luck. I am really sorry you have to go through this.


Andrea

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Karenisreading
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:30:50 AM
I agree with those who say that you need to cover your back. I raised two kids in the public school system. One was a straight A student with great social skills, one was a sweet kid with ADHD (misdiagnosed by pediatrician). I ASSUMED that the school administration was my partner is helping to get my kids (and all kids) educated. Not so much.
My sweet kid had trouble with schoolwork, although he was never ever a discipline problem - in fact, he was very helpful in the classroom. However, by high school, the school couldn't wait to get rid of him, because they didn't want to spend time or resources on him. (One staff member told me frankly that he was the bottom of the list for extra help because he wasn't a minority, economically disadvantaged or a behavior problem).

Once he turned sixteen, he was encouraged (and pressured) to drop out of school. The Assistant Principal told him (in my presence) that it would be so much easier for him AND the school if he just dropped out, and then he could take the GED, or go to the adult school at night. I couldn't believe my ears. He was in his senior year.

Anyway, to assume that the school is "on your side" is dangerous. YOU have to be the one to protect and advocate for your kids. You have to be on the offensive. Sadly.

dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:31:20 AM
I work with administrators (and for one) and totally give them the benefit of the doubt. I pray my DD is telling the truth and as her mom I have to believe her, as she told me she is telling the truth. But I just hope the AP hears her out. The other girl gave the first unwanted touch. Whether my DD did touch the other girl or not is the question. I have to believe my DD and just want them to hear both sides of the story.

MergeLeft
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:38:22 AM

Whether my DD did touch the other girl or not is the question. I have to believe my DD


I think this attitude is unproductive. A more productive one would be to say that you have to be looking for the truth. Whether your DD touched the other girl or not IS part of the question, and insisting despite what anyone else says that your DD's version of the story is the most correct is not going to be helpful.

Being an advocate for your child doesn't mean that you have to insist that they are correct and without fault in every scenario. It may be that your daughter actually did nothing wrong. But going in assuming that your kid is the only one telling the truth, that everyone else is lying and the AP has it in for your kid, is not going to help the truth. It's only going to cause everyone else to become defensive and even more firmly entrenched in their version of what happened. If you want the truth, you have to allow a safe place for people to tell the truth, and an adversarial environment is never going to be that place.



TheOtherMeg
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:43:27 AM

The AP's tactics are the same used by police who get innocent people to confess to crimes they didn't commit. I would advise DD to refuse to talk to the AP about the incident unless you are present.

Exactly. Don't assume the administration will bend over backward to make sure every child is treated 100% fairly/correctly. Some school employees, just like people in every other occupation, will cut corners and bend rules to make their jobs easier.

Definitely tell DD not to talk unless you are there. The AP has already placed herself in the role of adversary and not advocate, so taking a defensive role on your part is not extreme, IMO.

The facts are:
Your DD asked LG (lying girl) to move
LG tickled your DD
LG tells AP that your DD hit her.
Your DD says Not True

I would immediately see AP and ask what is going on. Let AP tell you the details. You don't say how old your DD is, but it sounds like she's in her early to mid teens? Don't email other teachers, but if there are any witnesses, find out. Remind AP that your DD is an excellent student and has no other problems. Let AP know that your DD heard at lunch that the other girl was going to get her friends to back her up. If DD knows who was around, that would be a great help.




You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists. ~Abbie Hoffman




dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:44:46 AM
I am assuming my dd told the truth because she tells me she is telling the truth. I am hardly adversarial (read above...middle child, peacemaker/people-pleaser).

I am totally open to hearing the entire story. I have calls into the AP and counselor for the last hour with no call backs yet. I only know one side of the story, hence that's why I am on my kids side.

MerryMom937
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Posted: 12/5/2012 8:51:22 AM

So we step into the hall and Ms. Smoke tells me she KNOWS I skipped yesterday. She KNOWS my note was a fake. She called and talked to my mom. My mom told her I wasn't home.


And then it all snapped into focus.

SHE. WAS. LYING.

This adult in a position of power was LYING to me. My mom was in college at the time. She left in the morning before we kids left for school. She didn't get home until after we did. There was NO POSSIBLE WAY this horrible woman spoke to my mom.

That's when I called her on her bullshit.

"You did NOT talk to my mom. She is at school. You call her tonight and ASK HER if she wrote my note, BECAUSE SHE DID."

Well then she was stumped. She knew I caught HER in her lie! All while she was calling ME a liar.

Horrible woman.

This is what they do. They call you a liar to get you to confess. I totally believe the asst. principal said that to OP's DD. Because it happened to me.




This is a commonly used investigative technique.

dietcokejunkee
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Posted: 12/5/2012 9:01:59 AM
Also, mergeleft, how am I to respond when AP says she did because girl said DD did it, when DD says she didn't and AP says he doesn't believe DD? We will go round and round in circles and DD will be the one in trouble because it's one kids word against another and he is already taking the other kids side. How are parents supposed to respond? Do I believe the other girl and not stand by my daughter?

MergeLeft
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Posted: 12/5/2012 9:23:01 AM
These are questions I would ask as a teacher: your child says she didn't push the other girl. Is it possible that she tried to push her away and that was perceived as hitting? Is it possible that the tickling went both ways and there was some confusion there about what was hitting vs. tickling?

I would also ask my daughter if the AP flat out said, "I don't believe you," or was that your daughter's perception based on the fact that he didn't immediately accept her side of the story as gospel truth and said they'd discuss it later.

Asking questions of all sides and comparing the details of those answers is a good way to get closer to the truth of what happened. Going in with assumptions about what happened is not going to be productive. Neither you nor the AP was actually there, and the girls each have their own story based on their perceptions of what happened, and the truth probably lies somewhere in the middle. Hopefully both you and the AP will be able to discern truth with thoughtful questioning instead of any party feeling like they need to be on the defensive. It's always helpful to keep in mind that any two people may perceive the same situation very differently.

ETA: Also consider that part of your dd's story is based on "rumors" she heard at lunch. Take a deep breath and go in with an open mind; that's all I'm saying. Don't allow yourself to be sucked in to the drama.

Another ETA: Has the school actually called you to let you know that your dd is in trouble or "being accused" of anything? Or is this all coming from DD? Presumably if she was being accused of a suspension offense, the school would be letting you know.



peamac
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Posted: 12/5/2012 9:45:08 AM
"So Mr AP, you're telling me that you believe girl who says she poked my DD and then DD hit her back, but you don't believe my DD who says girl poked her and DD didn't hit her back. Why do you believe girl and not my DD? Does she have a history of getting into trouble? Lying? Please tell me why you believe one but not the other?"

And your DD sounds a lot like my oldest DD- never interested in other people's drama, etc, etc. She was homeschooled, so she didn't have to deal with that as a teen, and now that she's in college, she observes other people's drama, but doesn't let it bug her. She works and plays well with others, but knows what's important and what isn't.

(((hugs)))


PeaMac


WannaPea
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Posted: 12/5/2012 9:51:19 AM
Well, I'm not going to pipe up with advice--you have plenty of it here.

All I'm going to say is to just remember that this incident is going to pass. And remember that she is 13. Hopefully she'll stay away from this girl and things will get back to normal.

Sometimes, things that happen at school can make us feel SO awful, but it'll be OK.


Cop's wife - Mom to one
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." ~ Delos B. McKown

*~*amanda*~*
...

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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:05:04 AM

Well, I'm not going to pipe up with advice--you have plenty of it here.

All I'm going to say is to just remember that this incident is going to pass. And remember that she is 13. Hopefully she'll stay away from this girl and things will get back to normal.

Sometimes, things that happen at school can make us feel SO awful, but it'll be OK.


That.

I really feel for you and your situation.

I hope it can all be straightened out today.



revirdsuba
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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:09:09 AM
Another thought... Had the AP believed the other girl, your DD should already have been suspended. He may have told the other girl that he did not believe her either.

MergeLeft
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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:11:05 AM

Another thought... Had the AP believed the other girl, your DD should already have been suspended. He may have told the other girl that he did not believe her either.


This is my thought as well. Two sides to every story.



batya
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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:19:45 AM
I will tell you DS had an incident in middle school where the administration was WONDERFUL to work with, the cameras on the school bus and witnesses corroborated with what he said happened, I am a lawyer and said so at the meeting and it was *still a challenge* to get things worked out properly.

I agree with a lot of what Merge said. Make sure you are after the truth. Be an advocate for your DD AND the truth, whatever that may be. Be sure she is treated well and treated fairly and do as much as you can by phone and in person. No emails.

Good luck.



OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




Pridemom
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Posted: 12/5/2012 12:42:05 PM

GSquared,
Legal advice for school discipline?

Things I read here leave me speechless.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Did you somehow miss bgpa's story???


I am a teacher who has seen kids get railroaded by the system. The ones who fare the best are those who have strong parental backing and a lawyer in the back pocket. I am saying what I would do if my child were accused of ASSAULT and I thought it unlikely my child did it. If my child did do it, they would take their knocks without my help. But OP's scenario? You bet I would back my kid. Parents of the victim sometimes file civil suits around here, as well, so I would have an interest in fighting something like this.


I still think that jumping to legal consultation is going overboard. 99% of this can be avoided with a simple visit with the assistant principal. MergeLeft has very good advice. Read the student handbook. Discipline process should be covered in it.

Civil suits over school discipline? What have we come to?

My husband is in school administration, this type of over-reaction is becoming more and more common. For every horror story, there are 10,000 instances of school discipline that are handled properly and fairly. Trust me, principals have their stories of parents who go ape crazy over nothing, then they get branded for their child's school career as a problem parent.




Proud Wife and Mom to four big goons!
I cannot be old enough to have three teens and a tween.

God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to
go through it, not without pain but without stain.
-- C. S. Lewis


pretzels
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 12/5/2012 12:52:53 PM
I agree with Merge Left in everything she has said.

This thread has gone so much into crazytown that I wouldn't believe it if I didn't know how this place operates.


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