Wife gave baby up for adoption without permission of husband... who should raise the baby now?

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Posted 12/5/2012 by mapchic in NSBR Board
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nighthawk
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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:04:13 PM
This reminds me of a case years ago between Iowa and Michigan. The adoptive family was in Michigan and the birth family in Iowa. The mom didn't inform the dad of the adoption but changed her mind fairly soon after and informed him he was the dad. It drug out for almost 3 years I think.

jalapenette
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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:13:59 PM

I mean I was shocked their blog showed they earned $30K already. I think it's a case of they belong to a ward, so they have a large community to draw from and of course people are going to take their side.


I'm sure it is also a case of the family skewing the story to make the dad sound like a deadbeat who is an unfit parent. Of course people will believe the family, who they know personally, over a stranger, even though it is really the stranger who is right.


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asr70
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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:21:27 PM


I mean I was shocked their blog showed they earned $30K already. I think it's a case of they belong to a ward, so they have a large community to draw from and of course people are going to take their side.




I'm sure it is also a case of the family skewing the story to make the dad sound like a deadbeat who is an unfit parent. Of course people will believe the family, who they know personally, over a stranger, even though it is really the stranger who is right.
This is why I wonder if people wish they hadn't donated. It's one thing to fight a villainous father who abandoned his wife - it's maybe another when you learn he was lied to.




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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:33:17 PM

I think it's a case of they belong to a ward, so they have a large community to draw from and of course people are going to take their side.


Personally if I were behaving so incredibly selfishly and children's lives were at stake - I hope to hell my community would call me on it!

That couple is in the wrong and if that woman were my sister, daughter or best friend I would tell them the same thing.



Sara


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Posted: 12/5/2012 10:46:51 PM
That baby belongs with her father. Period.

Mely
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Posted: 12/5/2012 11:40:21 PM
I think someone needs to direct our fine friends at 4Chan to the blog and the story and see how fast the angry hackers could take it down. It sounds like these people bought the baby and they feel that since they spent so much, they shouldn't have to give her back.

I'm less worried about the disruption of moving her back to her dad - than the possibility that those a-holes will be raising her. Wow.


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Posted: 12/6/2012 12:08:22 AM
Was there a link to the adoptive parents blog, that I missed?

Make no mistake, I am firmly in the dad's corner, just interested in reading the justifications.


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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:03:25 AM
Here is the link to the Frei's Family Adoption Blog:

Frei's Adoption Blog

I'm so very tired of the mindset that only a woman determines what happens with a baby, whether to carry it to term, adoption, and yes even abortion.

I think women who do this should be charged with a crime. I also think an adoptive family in this specific type of situation should be REQUIRED to return the baby immediately, at least within a certain time frame of the father finding out the baby exists. I also believe that an adoptive family who does not IMMEDIATELY return said baby should face criminal charges. Dragging it out is shitty.

It is not fair for an adoptive family to fight a birth father who wants his child when he didn't sign away his right. AT LEAST within a certain time frame. To drag it out is the most selfish thing they can do for that child. People form their emotional attachment within the first 24 months of their lives. Tampering with that can be, and has proven to be, detrimental to that person for the rest of their lives.

Shame on the birth mother. But more shame on the adoptive family.

And that's about as nice as I can be.

ETA: This story has been ticking me off all day! I find it curious that she went to Utah for an adoption agency/adoption, instead of remaining in Texas where she resided. Call me jaded, but I don't think that was by any accident.

And while I don't begrudge anyone all the children they want in the world, and wholeheartedly support adoption... this couple has 4 biological children and 1 other adopted child. This was not their very first baby, which I could almost excuse their tenacity to hold on to her. Surely they wouldn't want somebody to take one of their babies.

So fired up on this. Sorry!

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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:04:32 AM
The father should raise his daughter.

He did not "abandon" his wife and child. When you get orders to move to a new base, in the States or out of, you can't just ignore them. You have to go where the military tells you to go.

I knew someone who broke it off with the father of her child (they were not married) after being together for years and living as a family because he got orders to the first Gulf war. She claimed he abandoned them. That did not fly with anyone. He paid his child support and even lived in an apartment in the same complex as them so he could see his daughter whenever he wanted to. He and the mother just weren't together anymore.



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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:07:10 AM
They (the adopted couple)are saying he left her without a car and knowledge of his whereabouts. He was DEPLOYED!!! They were acting quickly on the best interest of the child? Whether they're LDS or not it sounds like they saw an opportunity and took advantage over it. Bland the wife cut off all contact it him. She was probably sending all kinds of lies to adopted family so they think they are helping out a poor abandoned pregnant wife.

I hope he gets his poor kids back soon. The baby is young, I hope they can bond soon with each other. From reading the rest I don't think I have sympathy for the family. And definitely not the mother!! It was CRUEL!!




{Betsy}
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Posted: 12/6/2012 2:59:50 AM
The father should get his baby back! And he should have gotten the baby back that very day! Waiting 60 days is preposterous. Why drag it out? Also, he should be compensated for all the money this has cost him. This is all very sad! It never should have happened!



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Posted: 12/6/2012 4:54:47 AM
There was a similar story here in the Chicago are in the 90's, baby Richard. The bio dad eventually got custody and the news crews were there filming the hand off. It was heart wrenching seeing this little boy crying and screaming while a virtual stranger was pulling him away from the only parents he ever knew. Legally it was prob the right thing, but something I will never forget
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Posted: 12/6/2012 6:08:05 AM
This is the case I remember, years ago,,

Baby Jessica

I remember it all over GMA, with Charlie Gibson..it was heart wrenching because the adoptive parents had the baby for a few years... she eventually was returned to the parents... but it was heartbreaking because Jessica was old enough to understand that she was being taken away from the only parent she knew

In this current case,, the baby should be returned to her dad... asap

tara6212
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Posted: 12/6/2012 7:11:00 AM
This case is so unsettling to me.

That baby belongs with her father...immediately. 60 more days to return her after having her for 21 months is outrageous. IMO, the adoptive family has proven themselves to be willing to break the law and I can only imagine wat tey will Coe up with in the next 60 days. They won't use that time to help transition the child, they will use it to prolong this reunion of father and daughter.

cocoanmom
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Posted: 12/6/2012 7:35:17 AM
The Bio Mom is giving an interview on ABC today. I just saw a promo on GMA.



PeaJaneRun
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Posted: 12/6/2012 7:52:41 AM
Sooooo...

How many Peas sent the adoptive parents an email??

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Posted: 12/6/2012 7:53:11 AM
Was the interview supposed to be on GMA or tonight on ABC? I was looking for it on GMA but didn't turn it on until later. Been sick with the flu.


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Posted: 12/6/2012 8:20:36 AM

I think someone needs to direct our fine friends at 4Chan to the blog and the story and see how fast the angry hackers could take it down.
That would be like covering your naked body with honey and roll around in angry bees

That cesspool has a tendency to turn against those who seek revenge.

Onekwa
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Posted: 12/6/2012 10:44:44 AM

Sooooo...

How many Peas sent the adoptive parents an email??
I just did, to the address from their "Leah" blog. I didn't say anything nasty, just told them that what they are doing is wrong and they need to give that child to her father.

I hope more people do this, and hopefully they will see the error in their ways and give up the child.




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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:30:06 AM
Why is he such a bad person that the birth mother would rather struggle herself to raise her than have her go to her father?


"My heart was comfortable with her being with the Freis," she said. "I'd rather see her with me struggling first before she goes with him."


ABC News Story




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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:35:45 AM
If a woman gives her baby up for adoption she's a selfless saint.

If she gives it up to the bio dad (which she really can't do so child support comes into play) she's generally seen as a sleezeball who abandoned her child.

That would explain the urge to circumvent the bio dad.



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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:43:26 AM

Why is he such a bad person that the birth mother would rather struggle herself to raise her than have her go to her father?


that's just another indication of how selfish she is. no matter what, she doesn't want the father to have the baby. it's clearly out of spite.



cocoanmom
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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:48:05 AM
I'd like to know why the Bio Mom is so against him having his daughter? Is it normal for people to leave their family behind in the military if you are re stationed? It just seems so weird to me. That he had to call around to find the bio mom in a prior story. So he left and then they had no contact at all?
I wonder if he had a home study? I hope that the child has a lawyer herself. Jut to represent her best interest.




aprilfay21
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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:55:21 AM

Is it normal for people to leave their family behind in the military if you are re stationed?
Yes, it's normal. Sometimes it takes a while to get the family moved with them and sometimes it's not possible for the family to go. In this case, I'm guessing since their marriage was rocky she refused to go with him and he didn't have a choice but to leave her.




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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:57:06 AM

I dont' get this pov at all. The urge to circumvent the bio dad is apparently part of a marital dispute.

If a woman gives her baby up for adoption knowing that the father, her husband, is not in agreement, so she lies and keeps the father completely in the dark as she puts through a fraudulent adoption, she's a sleazeball. Nothing she did in this makes her look like a selfless saint.


She didn't mean that this woman is a selfless saint - certainly not!

I'm pretty sure she was saying that the general idea of placing a baby for adoption is seen as a noble choice - compared to placing a baby in the full custody of her father and maybe TPR, which would typically get a lot of judgement and seen more as abandonment.


Sara


mapchic
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Posted: 12/6/2012 12:52:49 PM

that's just another indication of how selfish she is. no matter what, she doesn't want the father to have the baby. it's clearly out of spite.
That's how it reads to me too.

I saw that she had posted (on Facebook?) and then pulled down posts that the father was cheating on her. Like that somehow justifies what she did in adopting out his child. She just seems angry and vindictive.

The birthmother seems to see herself as some sort of victim in this. I see her as the primary villain.




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Posted: 12/6/2012 12:57:25 PM

Something I noted in rereading the different articles - the other child she has is not his. It's from a 'previous relationship'. So he took on her and her child when they married. And she decided that not only did she not want his baby, he didn't deserve a chance to raise his own baby. Yet she's given no reason other than the 'abandonment' assertion. What a fascinating woman.
Reading the FB page some one posted earlier, the supposed father of the other child made some comments and said that while he and Terry don't get along (both bfs of birth mother - duh) he supports him in this because he has ongoing issues with her and her family over seeing / getting custody of his child or something.




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Posted: 12/6/2012 12:59:08 PM

I dont know if he is still in the military..But I surely hope if he is that he is not deployed somewhere and the baby has to go to another home to live. I did not see anything but I hope that he has a stable home life with lots of support if he is a single Dad



He could likely get a general discharge. My friend was a Marine and 6 weeks after their second child was born, his wife was killed in a car accident. He was given a discharge because he was a single parent of 2. I don't know if he was given the option to discharge or if they gave him no choice though, I'd have to ask.


Is it normal for people to leave their family behind in the military if you are re stationed? It just seems so weird to me. That he had to call around to find the bio mom in a prior story. So he left and then they had no contact at all?



It is very normal to be left behind. DH's boat had orders from Hawaii to Washington State and they were told to leave all families behind in Hawaii because there was no available housing for us. Personally I would have gone back to CT where my family was instead of staying in HI without DH, but we were being discharged anyway so he already had separation orders from the boat by the time they left.
Being that the wife was pregnant and had another kid, it doesn't surprise me at all that she opted to stay behind where she allegedly had family, according to the second article. And they were supposedly having issues in the marriage.
It seems to me she did research on how to give up the baby without him finding out. And when she made to move to Utah, was when he lost contact with her.

rosiekat
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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:07:48 PM

ETA: This story has been ticking me off all day! I find it curious that she went to Utah for an adoption agency/adoption, instead of remaining in Texas where she resided. Call me jaded, but I don't think that was by any accident.



Texas law is very cut and dry if you work with an agency. For example, with my son, wssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshyu


Jen


aprilfay21
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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:10:01 PM

Texas law is very cut and dry if you work with an agency. For example, with my son, wssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshyu




This is Texas. We don't have regular seasons here. We have Summer 1, Summer 2, Summer 3 and January.

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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:15:29 PM
(Sorry about the above, my kitten just jumped on the computer!)

The general process in Texas if you work with an agency is that the bio parents relinquish custody to the agency. The adoptive parents may (at the agency's discretion) take over as the child's conservator, but not actual legal guardians. Then, after at least 6 months, the adoptive parents bring (friendly) suit against the agency for full legal parental rights.

In my son's case, we did not have custody until he was about 6 weeks old because he was technically a questioned paternity. The bio mom provided signed releases from known possible bio fathers, and then legal notice was also placed in local papers, etc. for 40 days.

There would be no grounds to question the legality of the adoption, assuming all the rules were followed. Texas is considered one of the best states to adopt in because of having a set of very matter-of-fact rules. Therefore, it would make sense that she (bio mom of this awful story) would want to move to a place that does not set out the rules so clearly, allowing easy challenges to the adoption's legality.

There are no winners in this awful case.


Jen


MissBianca
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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:21:38 PM
"On its website, the center claims to have facilitated about 1,400 successful adoptions since its founding in 1995. According to its corporate registration filing, it has done business under eight other names in the past, including A Heart of Gold Adoptions, An All American Adoption Agency, A Bridge Adoption Services and A Adoption with Love."

source Article from yesterday, linked from the Support Terry Achane Facebook page

also stated in the article on page 2, are the names of 5 other fathers who unsuccessfully attempted to get their children back from the same center.

These people are baby brokers. ETA: 8?!?!? 8 times they changed their name but are a "successful adoption agency" why on earth would you need to change your name 8 times if you were so darn popular????

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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:25:53 PM

Is it normal for people to leave their family behind in the military if you are re stationed? It just seems so weird to me. That he had to call around to find the bio mom in a prior story. So he left and then they had no contact at all?



Yes, when dh was transferred to Washington we stayed in Illinois until our housing was available. We also stayed in Illinois when he was in Mississippi while his ship was being built. We were apart for 18 months.

Any military wife knows how to get a hold of their dh - call their command. The command would not allow abandonment to happen, unless the military member was AWOL and they couldn't find them.


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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:27:57 PM

Texas law is very cut and dry if you work with an agency. For example, with my son, wssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssshyu
I'm glad it was just your kitten. I was fearful you had a heart attack or something.

I am so glad this is hitting the news. He'll get his daughter in no time.


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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:42:09 PM

also stated in the article on page 2, are the names of 5 other fathers who unsuccessfully attempted to get their children back from the same center.



This is seriously horrifying!

mapchic
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Posted: 12/6/2012 1:51:58 PM
Wow, that new article from the Salt Lake City Tribune about the agency involved is truly horrifying.

In addition to the constant name changes and the five other incidents of fathers being denied their rights there is this...


The center received harsh criticism in the ruling by McDade, who rebuked the agency for its failure to return Achane's daughter to him once he realized what had happened to her.

McDade also questioned the agency's requirement that the Freis pay an "advertising fee" of $9,800 to a marketing company, in addition to other adoption and pregnancy-related expenses it collected.

That business, Blue Sky Choice Marketing, was founded and is operated by Webb, who is the only principal listed for the firm in its corporate registration. According to that document, the marketing company is located in Cedar City and has been in business about two years.

While holding itself out as a nonprofit, the agency also requires clients to pay the advertising fee to Webb's other company, the judge noted.


This just seems more and more like baby trafficking. Treating children as commodities to be bought and sold.




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Posted: 12/6/2012 2:07:07 PM

.But I surely hope if he is that he is not deployed somewhere and the baby has to go to another home to live. I did not see anything but I hope that he has a stable home life with lots of support if he is a single Dad


All single military parents have to file a care plan in the event that they are deployed. Deployment is a fact of life in the military and I do not for one second think the possibility of deployment should bar him from full custody. Military kids are very resilient.

And in all honesty, I'd rather have a child with a military father who fought this hard for custody than with a mother who gave the baby away without consulting the dad and while leading him to believe she'd had an abortion. What kind of asshole does that to a father?


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Posted: 12/6/2012 3:28:27 PM
As an adoptive mother myself I don't feel sorry for these adoptive parents. Had that happened to me, I would have given the child back to the biological Father who was ready, willing and able to take care of his child.

Would I have been sad? Yes. Would I have mourned the loss? Yes. Would I have cried a river of tears? Yes. But my first thought would have been for that child. I could not have lived with myself knowing that a child I have was basically stolen from his/her father who wanted to raise the child.

I would NOT have dragged it out until the child is almost 2 years old and attached to me.

As the adult, I would just handle the pain of the loss.

In this case it is the adoptive parents who are causing pain to everyone involved (not to mention the biological mother who started the whole mess).

Renee

RNMOMMY
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Posted: 12/6/2012 3:41:46 PM
the whole thing makes me angry. I think the agency should be shut down. And while I feel for the adoptive parents, according to what I've read, they knew that the father was not being informed and that this was a possibility.

I hope he gets his daughter soon, and that they enjoy the rest of their lives together!!

Susan


Mom to a wonderful young adult and a beautiful teenage girl, can't believe I have a kid in college and one that is out!!
Wife to one gorgeous AirForce pilot(retired!) ...lucky to be married to my best friend.


Missing Caitlin Sept. 14, 1987 - July 11, 2009 ...rest in peace...you will be missed.
And her dad. I will miss you big brother...rest in peace...and I hope the baseball diamonds in heaven are all you hoped for...Dan Moore Aug. 6, 1953-February 7, 2011

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

twinks
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Posted: 12/6/2012 5:59:19 PM
I agree that the bio mother did her research. I don't believe she "moved" to Utah. She just chose the adoption agency and they had her come to Utah for the sole purpose of delivery and adopting out her baby. After the birth of her baby, I am sure the bio-mother got out of Utah as fast as she could.

I don't know what happened in this situation or if it is the current case now, but, years ago, adoption agencies would have the bio-moms come to Utah to have their babies, have them apply for Medicaid and charge the adoptive parents for the medical expenses and pocket the money because Medicaid picked up the bills. I guess they couldn't pocket all of the fee they charged the adoptive parents because there would be living and legal expenses. I am wondering if this is the reason this adoption agency has changed names so many times - Medicaid fraud????

twinsmom-fla99
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Posted: 12/6/2012 6:42:08 PM

I don't know what happened in this situation or if it is the current case now, but, years ago, adoption agencies would have the bio-moms come to Utah to have their babies, have them apply for Medicaid and charge the adoptive parents for the medical expenses and pocket the money because Medicaid picked up the bills. I guess they couldn't pocket all of the fee they charged the adoptive parents because there would be living and legal expenses. I am wondering if this is the reason this adoption agency has changed names so many times - Medicaid fraud????


Interesting.

I'm not sure they could do that today. Isn't there some rule that requires a woman to name the father before she can collect benefits so the government can go after him? I don't know for sure, but I thought that was out there today. In any case, it might not apply until the actual birth--maybe he can't be held responsible for the medical costs of the mother, but just the baby?

In any case, it does make you wonder.

2boysandwill
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Posted: 12/6/2012 9:27:44 PM

Isn't there some rule that requires a woman to name the father before she can collect benefits so the government can go after him?


Not in CA. The hospital social worker will probably pry and pry for bio father's information because it seems unreal that the mom doesn't know who the father is. Unless the mom admits she's promiscuous, or admits she was raped, etc.

Social workers at most, try to get a name, last name and last known address and cross streets, but moms can defenitely lie about it.

It doesn't seem far fetched that the agency would do that (medicaid fraud)...it's certainly possible in today's day in age.

scrapbookwriter
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Posted: 12/6/2012 10:46:01 PM
***Before reading, please note: I understand that none of these circumstances apply in the case under discussion. I am just interested in the ramifications of adoption laws and how they are applied.***

Many years ago, a man sued his estranged wife. She was pregnant and wanted to abort. He wanted her to have the child and give it to him to raise. He said he would not ask for child support or ask her to take on any responsibility at all. He just wanted to raise his child as he felt was his right. The court granted a temporary injunction against the woman while they considered the case on a rush basis (I'm thinking a matter of three days). The man lost the case. The woman had the abortion. The man was devastated. He publically commented that his estranged wife had the right to kill their child without his permission, but if she had given birth she would not have been able to give up their child for adoption without his permission. Why could he stop an adoption but not stop an abortion?

This happened in Utah. I would not be surprised if current adoption laws here (regarding fathers' rights) trace back in part to that decision.

Please note I understand the two are not the same, and abortion is about a woman's right to choose for her own body, etc. etc. etc.

But I do think the man raised an interesting point. Where does a woman's right to choose end for her child? At the moment of birth? Or some time before that? Aside from killing an unborn child, can a woman ever legally make a life choice for her child without the father's consent?

What if the woman is in fear of the biological father? What if a woman is leaving an abusive relationship while pregnant? What if the potential father is a child sex predator whose crimes cannot be proven? What if she just thinks he'd make a horrible father? She can abort her child without consequence, but cannot give up the child for adoption without the father's permission. And if she tries to adopt out without permission but is discovered, she has then already given up her rights. He can sue and obtain sole custody of the child. To avoid that outcome, unless she wants to abort, she must raise the child herself. In effect, he can force her to keep and raise his child, no matter what.

***Again, please note: I understand that none of these circumstances apply in the case under discussion. I am just interested in the ramifications of adoption laws and how they are applied.***

It's all very complicated. Lots of complicated questions, no simple answers. I'm glad I'm not writing the laws.

LovMelrose
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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:15:57 PM
That baby belongs with her bio father. Painful and unfortunate for the adoptive parents but it's the right thing.

I can't believe the wife did this to him.


Patty

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