S/O My baby was taken back by the birth mother....

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Posted 12/6/2012 by auntskiddy in NSBR Board
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Maryland
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Posted: 12/6/2012 3:17:49 PM
I am sorry you had to go through this. My cousin almost went through something similar years ago. However, from what I have heard with this story, I feel bad for the dad but not the adoptive parents. But in most all other cases, it's the adoptive parents I feel sorry for. In this case I heard the dad did not give consent and the adoptive parents knew aobout that. So from what I have heard, I formed this opinion. But in cases like yours, I am on the side of you, the adoptive parent. I couldn't imagine what you had to go through. I live in PA and I know this state favors bio parents. So sorry for what you went through.

dalayney
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Posted: 12/6/2012 3:30:29 PM
Lynette, my heart breaks for you. Anyone who has gone through this has my sympathies. No who's right, or wrong, or what the law says, it sucks and it changes your life forever.

Not that I know personally, but I remember vividly learning about a pea here who went through something so tragic. The pea's name was Nora, and her adoptive baby that was taken away was Darby? So many of us read her blog as she was going through this heartbreak, and wept with her, and prayed for her, and hugged our children tighter, because she was kind enough to share her story. I will never forget Nora, and her sweet baby girl Darby.


***************Adding, I still read her blog today. She is such an inspiration with her family life, and her awesome craftiness.

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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 12/6/2012 3:37:49 PM
I feel for anyone wanting to adopt a child, but as someone mentioned earlier, the process is not for the "faint of heart". ALL adoptive parents know that the biological parents can, and sometimes do change their mind. That is the risk with adoption, and it has ALWAYS been the risk, so when it happens it hurts like hell, and it doesn't feel like it's fair, but if the adoptive parents are REALLY interested in what is "best for the child", they need to relinquish the child as soon as they find out, instead of fighting it, and making the child suffer in the long run.

I can't imagine how painful that must be, but why wait when you know what the eventual outcome is going to be anyway? I can't sit here and say what I would do since I have never faced the situation, but I would hope I would put the child's needs ahead of my own.

To those that have shared their stories, my heart breaks for you, but your stories are NOTHING like the one in the other thread. The adoptive parents KNEW in advance they were stealing someone's child, then cried because they were in this mess, and are still putting their needs above that of the child, and her father. I do not feel sorry for the adoptive parent in this case at all.

But when adoption works it's pure magic!


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Annabella
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Posted: 12/6/2012 3:47:55 PM

Not to mention that they have 4 (or 5) kids already. So it's not like your situation at all.

Simply_Lovely that was my initial thought as well when I read the OP. I do feel for the OP, but a completely different situation. No surprise Batya jumped you today to start a war.




gmcwife1
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Posted: 12/6/2012 3:58:19 PM

Lynnette, so very sorry for you heartache.

The present situation in Utah is far different. The wife lied to the husband/birth father. the agency lied to the birth father, the agency told the adoptive parents that the birth father had not given consent Without consent the placement was illegal, period!


Me too, I'm really sorry for your heartache, but this is completely different.

The adoptive parents have chosen to draw this out and make it harder on everyone involved.


~ Dori ~

lovetodigi
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Posted: 12/6/2012 4:19:06 PM
I am sorry that happened to you.

When we decided to adopt years ago, we were contacted about adopting a set of twin 1 year olds and a three year old sibling. There were problems with that. First of all, we had planned to only adopt one, possibly two children. There would be six months before the parental rights were permanently terminated. DH and I talked it over and over and over. The children were precious and we wanted so much to make them a part of our family, but we decided in the end, that we just could not take them with the risk of losing them in a few months. We had to decline. One of the reasons that we would not become foster parents was because we knew that we would get attached to the children and then they would be gone. I feel for anyone that has lost a child that they had planned to adopt. It has to be extremely hard.




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writermom1
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Posted: 12/6/2012 4:22:38 PM
You have only sympathy from me.

I can't say what I would have done because I can scarcely bear to imagine it.

Thank you for sharing your story. It couldn't have been easy to do so and shows amazing courage.




Epeanymous
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Posted: 12/6/2012 4:52:04 PM
I am sorry for what you have gone through and still feel. We went through the adoption process when it appeared we would not be able to have more biological children, and just the one that we had that didn't take (where we never even met the child and were told up-front that the birth mother was likely to change her mind due to pressure from her own mother) was enough to open my eyes to just how incredibly difficult that process is. I cannot imagine having a baby for two months and having to hand the baby back. I cannot.

This situation is different, as other posters have pointed out. The adoptive parents knew the score and proceeded where they should not have done so, and have made things more difficult for themselves and for the little girl by doing so.

I will say that I have so much empathy for the birth mothers in general as well. I just can't imagine giving up a baby, or feeling like I cannot raise my baby, and I just can't process the thought of not having mine with me.

AmeliaBloomer
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Posted: 12/6/2012 4:57:43 PM
OP, my heartfelt sympathies. I also have sympathy for the adoptive parents, even while I strongly disagree with their choices.

As the adoptive family has collected more than $20,000 in donations for legal fees, there does seem to be some public sympathy for them. (Also, a ton of internet backlash against them, including exhortations to contact the company for which the adoptive father works as an attorney.)

Part of me winces at the writing (and tone) on the adoptive family's blog. (Apparently, the wife removed some inappropriate comments a couple days ago, including criticism of the birth father.) On the other hand, this is a problem with the Internet: people can dash off a screed before having a chance to calm down and consider their words - and how it makes them look. I can't imagine what I would write if I was on the losing end of a heartbreaking court ruling and my keyboard was beckoning.





I-95
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Posted: 12/6/2012 5:49:44 PM
Auntskiddy...I am so sorry for your situation, and I completely understand why you still feel the pain 16 years later.

I hear a lot of people on this thread, and the other other one, talking about the trauma to the baby caught in the middle...but what nobody has addressed, and this, IMHO, is another reason to be infuriated with the parents from the other thread, what about the other children in the home? What about THEIR trauma?

When I was little, like 4 or 5, my mom used to foster children on an emergency basis. It was no big deal, we were a big family with a lot of love, and usually these children only stayed a few days to a few weeks... no serious bonding.

We had one little boy, a baby, about 4 months old, who stayed a month or so before being reunited with his useless mother. A couple more months go by, the mother shows up at our front door and hands the baby back to my mom, and says 'Can you take care of him for a while?' Of course my mom said yes....and that's the last we see of the mother for TWO years.

Now, I was little, and this was 50 years ago, so I don't know whether my mom called the agency, I presume she did because we fostered other children during those 2 years, and I'm sure the caseworker would have noticed.

Anyway, one day we all came home from school and Kelly was GONE. My mom said his mother came and got him. We never saw him again.

Like I said this was FIFTY years ago, and I have never, ever forgotten my 'little brother'. I have 9 other brothers, and a sister, and every time there's a family gathering, to this day, someone will ask 'I wonder where Kelly is'. We learned not to mention him around my mom because it was the only time I ever saw her cry in my whole life.

These parents, in the other case, are causing more damage, to more people than they realize. I bet their other children have bonded with that baby too, and will never forget they had a little sister, and that's just wrong!

Seanna.
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Posted: 12/6/2012 6:24:51 PM
I am so sorry that happened in your situation, Lynette. That must have been excruciating.

I see there is a battle about whether the number of children the adoptive couple in the other story has any relevance.


And as I said in a post farther up, I did read the posts on the other thread where you addressed that point, as did Annabella with her questionable statement, and Seanna.


I can't remember what I said other than it was in capital letters and was a response to what someone else said, that the couple has four other children. I think I said THEY HAVE FIVE OTHER CHILDREN. I don't care how many children a family has. Have (adopt) none. Have (adopt) one. Have (adopt) 20. What I objected to was the self-absorbed way those people put it in their blog. Unbelievable. I don't think they have any inkling how telling their blog is as to their perspective, and how repugnant people find it. Well, maybe they are clued in about the repugnant part because I'm sure they have heard from quite a few. I won't even cut and paste that self-aggrandizing claptrap in here, but it's probably still on their blog.

I also think that my sympathy might have been aroused, a little bit, had they been childless. That's just how I honestly feel. But then again...if they were childless they wouldn't have written all that ridiculous stuff on their blog, so then I might have felt a little sympathy for them anyway, so...


When I went to edit my signature, the "Edit Signature" title was spelled wrong. So that was distracting and I forgot what I wanted my new signature to be.

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Posted: 12/6/2012 9:10:39 PM
I-95 - Kelly. I am so sorry your family suffered that.



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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 12/6/2012 9:35:15 PM
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is heartbreaking. I don't think birth parents should be allowed to ever get the baby back. I have never heard one of these stories where anyone had a good enough reason to get their baby back.


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PeaFixture

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Posted: 12/6/2012 9:42:48 PM

I don't think birth parents should be allowed to ever get the baby back. I have never heard one of these stories where anyone had a good enough reason to get their baby back





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Simply_Lovely
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Posted: 12/6/2012 10:33:10 PM

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This is heartbreaking. I don't think birth parents should be allowed to ever get the baby back. I have never heard one of these stories where anyone had a good enough reason to get their baby back.


Did you completely miss the story that OP and all of as are referring to??




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gryroagain
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Posted: 12/6/2012 10:59:20 PM
I'm so sorry, what a heartbreak!

I am saying this as gently as I can, and I wouldn't at all if I didn't know you'd gone on to have a beautiful family. But- the process worked the way it was supposed to. The birthmother changed her mind, and she took her child back. It's very sad, but those kinds of checks and balances must be built into the system to prevent tragedies like the other stories. Giving up a child is such a monumental thing, it can't be donemlightly or without the ability to change your mind, it just can't. In your situation, the system worked as it should, as painful as that was for you.

mamashosh
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Posted: 12/6/2012 11:28:07 PM
I am so sorry for what you went through. I adopted and I know I was devastated when a birth mother changed her mind and I had never even met the baby, before he/she was born, so I can imagine that your pain was unbearable.

Just so people know, different states have different laws about termination rights. My attorney only worked with states that had short periods--no longer than 72 hours. Nevertheless, those first couple of days with ds were both amazing and terrifying, until the paperwork was signed. I understood the risk and would not have fought it if his birth mother changed her mind, but I don't think I would ever have recovered from the loss, and that was just a couple of days.

Two months--my heart breaks for you.



auntskiddy
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Posted: 12/7/2012 5:59:23 AM


It seems to me like the skeptical eyes are all on the adoptive parents.

Maybe it has something to do with my experience in reading these newspapers, but my skeptical eye is on two of the newspapers that covered it. I don't look at City Weekly often, but some of the time when I have it has been pretty inflammatory. I used to read Salt Lake Tribune all the time until the wording (I checked) of my own letter to the editor was changed just enough to mean something quite different than what I meant - I got hate mail because of it.

If the story as reported is correct then yes, the parents should have given the baby back to the father. I'm not ready to pull for one side or the other yet. I'll wait and see what else comes out.




Thank you Patty. That is exactly what I was getting at. Like I said, the birth dad should be able to get his baby back.

The pain I felt was from reading all the negativity towards the adoptive family. People were jumping on a bandwagon. It felt mob like. I read through the other thread last night. A few people talked about him being deployed. I didn't see anything about him being deployed. He was transferred to another base in another state. I saw the video of the birth mom. Didn't seem like a monster to me. She said why she did what she did. Adoptive parents made decisions based on that. Biased? Maybe. Vindictive? Could be. Is the defendant attorney not biased by calling this baby selling? Is the dad telling the truth about his side? How will any of you know these things. There is no reality only our perception. The truth lies somewhere in between.

Gyroagain, thank you. You were gentle in what you said. I totally agree with what you said. There do need to be laws in place to protect people. I didn't like it but had to follow the law.

This baby needs to go back because the law states it. The father claims he did not abandon her and wants her back. As far as the bandwagon, I hope none of you are on the other side of something like that. Personal attacks are never helpful. Mean, hateful words can't be taken back.

We were interviewed by two tv news stations and I remember one of the things I said was "how can I be angry with her? She wants what I want?" I hope that we can all step back and have compassion for all involved.

I think something that should happen, not just in Utah, is make adoption law the same through out the country. Finalization is the same at 6 months, why can't termination of parental rights be the same. I felt 16 years ago that was something that I was going to take on. Still do. Raising a family has been my priority and got in the way.

Captain K - in response to your remarks about parent thinking the child being better off because we are white and mormon, I have to say I have never felt that. My daughters birthmoms gave them up because they were thinking of them. There is more to the story, but they would have been just fine with them. My boys are from foster care. I definitely think my older boy would have been better off with his mom. He was 2 yrs one week old when he was taken away and remembers her. The best thing for him would to be with her. She couldn't get her act together. I was pulling for her though, believe it or not. My baby was born addictive to cocaine. Highest levels the hospital had seen in a baby. Then the parents were incarcerated (sp?) so maybe he is better off with us. 1 out of 4.

I wanted a family and this is how they came. I do believe God had a hand in it. Because I am white and mormon? Nope. Because God loves me and he loves all his children. These children (all 5) have brought experiences to my life that have taught me and shaped who I am. It has not all been pretty. I dare say I would be flamed for some of the things I have done as a mother! I am learning as I go and hope to do better each day.

Lynnette
edited for clarity
sorry about the quotes don't use those much next time I will put it between the words




melanell
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Posted: 12/7/2012 10:29:02 AM

I was shocked at how little sympathy there was for the adoptive parents.



Oh, I had enormous sympathy for the parents who had been raising that baby girl. Huge sympathy.

But that wasn't what the thread was asking. It was asking if I felt the father should be able to have his daughter, and as unGodly painful as I felt it would be for everyone involved, I did feel that he absolutely should have his daughter back if he wanted her, since she was placed for adoption without his permission.
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