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FlaMom
Thread Killer Extraordinaire
PeaNut 29,166
February 2002
Posts: 6,013
Layouts: 12
Loc: BFE
 |  Posted: 12/8/2012 9:20:01 PM
I'd call the therapist Monday morning and make an appt for just me. Other than that, I have no idea. I'm so so sorry. (((hugs))) |
Tammy
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wezee812
I Remember You!
PeaNut 34,854
April 2002
Posts: 6,515
Layouts: 6
Loc: In the arms of my grandkids
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Kate-pea
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 146,398
May 2004
Posts: 2,940
Layouts: 1
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 9:28:04 PM
I would take heart that he didn't really say much back. I received unwelcome texts/emails (though not underwear pics!) in the past , and my deer-in-the-headlights response was to say nothing at all, or to respond ignoring the suggestive angle. It was my nonconfrontational (read: chicken) way of hoping the innuendo would die a natural death. It did.  | |
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Jjmikrut143
BucketHead
PeaNut 567,699
September 2012
Posts: 896
Layouts: 3
Loc: NJ
| Posted: 12/8/2012 9:35:43 PM
Make that appointment ASAP! I'm so sry your going through this nobody deserves to get hurt! I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out  |
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Pretty In PeaNK
PeaFixture
PeaNut 417,489
March 2009
Posts: 3,986
Layouts: 2
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 9:43:06 PM
I am so sorry you're having to deal with this. I have no advice for you, but I have no doubt that some insightful peas will be able to give you some. |
| "How are we going to get rid of racism? Stop talking about it!"--Morgan Freeman | |
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PEAS well w/ others
Legen - wait for it - dary
PeaNut 257,161
April 2006
Posts: 13,717
Layouts: 0
Loc: In my big comfy bed
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aimmer
MultiSlacker MultiStacker
PeaNut 157,595
July 2004
Posts: 12,057
Layouts: 70
Loc: coloRADo
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 9:49:30 PM
There is know way I could wait to talk to him about it . When he came home I would calmly ask him who the woman is that is texting him and what is his relationship with her. I would have already texted her back on his phone and let her know I think it is totally inappropriate that she and my husband are communicating in this way.
Why wait to ask him? Do you feel like your husband wont be honest with you? |
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salt-of-the-earth
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 65,350
January 2003
Posts: 2,919
Layouts: 1
Loc: Florida
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 9:55:44 PM
This is really a decision you have to make for yourself. Personally, having a great rapport with a therapist is one thing, but if the results of therapy are what's currently going on, it wouldn't be worth waiting for the appointment to deal with. I am sorry you are going through this. |
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obliolait
BucketHead
PeaNut 550,788
April 2012
Posts: 853
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 9:59:47 PM
first, don't be a coward. get her on the phone when he is in the room and put it on speaker phone. ask why she is sending inappropriate texts and photos to your husband. | |
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Alex M
BucketHead
PeaNut 232,908
November 2005
Posts: 587
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/8/2012 10:02:38 PM
It would kill me over the holidays to know this stuff and not say anything or to pretend that things are ok and carry on as usual. Either talk to him right away or make an individual appointment with the therapist ASAP |
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scrappysailorswife
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 235,775
December 2005
Posts: 5,050
Layouts: 0
Loc: Virginia
| Posted: 12/8/2012 10:04:35 PM
It is very likely that I would have already called this woman and asked her what her deal was before my my husband got home. He and I would be having a chat about what his part was in all of that. It's possible that he's not doing anything wrong and hasn't really reacted to her inappropriate texts because he has to work with her. I hope it all works out okay. |
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makingmemorieslast
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 153,017
June 2004
Posts: 2,740
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/8/2012 10:21:24 PM
I also have a hard time believing that the first time I happen to look at his phone is coincidentally the first time anything like this has happened.
Good. Smart girl. You're one of the first women I've seen with this problem that isn't in denial or bending over backwards to make excuses for the DH/other woman. Stay strong and listen to your gut.
If I confront him now then I'll lose any opportunity to continue to follow his text messages and see what, if anything, happens.
But there's ALREADY SOMETHING HAPPENING that's not ok with you. So there's nothing wrong with discussing THIS issue, regardless of if it has already gone further or if it will go further in the future.
I would take heart that he didn't really say much back. I received unwelcome texts/emails (though not underwear pics!) in the past
Ok maybe I'm in an alternate universe, but I would say this is very, very rare. I think 99% of the time innocent people don't randomly get suggestive texts with bra/underwear sexy photos. I would venture a guess that in most cases, the person sending the photos has been given a reason to send them. Maybe there hasn't been sex yet, or even a kiss, but surely there has been some suggestive flirting or maybe some intimate conversations over a couple drinks after work.
I mean come on. If I was single and was going to send hot pictures of myself to a guy at work or a guy friend, I would not just send them out to whoever the heck I felt like, ESPECIALLY the married ones! I would have to get some sort of signal first, that it would be well-received. That there was some interest, flirting, etc. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for complete rejection, humiliation, and possibly getting fired.
In other words, chances are good this girl had a reason to believe the OP's DH would be A-OK with getting these photos texted to him. I'd bet my life on it. And I usually give the benefit of the doubt in all situations, but come on now.
One flirty text? She may be testing the waters with him to see if he'd be open to something. But several texts and ALSO feeling that it's a good idea to send a photo of yourself in a thong? Yeahhhh I'm guessing he gave her plenty of green-light signals that he would be ok with getting such a photo sent to him.
OP, I wish you the best of luck. I don't know if I would wait for the January appointment. I don't know if I COULD. On the other hand, I do understand the benefits of doing it while in the therapy session as opposed to some random night at home. It's a tough call. I just don't think I could wait. Won't you drive yourself crazy over the next few weeks wondering if it is going further and further? Won't it bother you to think he thinks he's pulling one over on you?
Could you explain the situation to your therapist and see if you can get squeezed in? Surely she would understand why?
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scrappy_princess
Jewelry Lady Pea
PeaNut 100,675
August 2003
Posts: 6,787
Layouts: 5
Loc: Northern California
| Posted: 12/8/2012 10:27:06 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you. |
*betsey*
Jewelry Lady by trade... if you need some bling, give me a ring! | |
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Mary_K
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 85,710
May 2003
Posts: 2,188
Layouts: 0
Loc: NW Washington
| Posted: 12/8/2012 10:49:51 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
Are you kidding me? HE can't trust HER? There was obviously something bothering her enough to look. Just that intuition.
Good grief. Now HE can't trust HER? So what?
Mary K | |
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Cynthiascraps
BucketHead
PeaNut 163,901
August 2004
Posts: 793
Layouts: 0
Loc: Sunny So Cal
| Posted: 12/8/2012 10:50:28 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
Really?? Let him not trust me??? I will always follow my gut. I'd rather be nosiey than be lied to.
99% of the time a women's intuition is right.
Ps where there's smoke, there's fire.
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vcr
PeaNut
PeaNut 374,750
May 2008
Posts: 306
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 10:55:40 PM
People with nothing to hide hide nothing. If you confront now and something is going on he will just go underground and hide it better. Go online and look at your phone bill. See if there are tons of calls and texts to her number. If you can get his phone forward these messages to your phone. Go to survivinginfidelity.com and get advice. They are great there. Listen to your gut. | |
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SabrinaP
ABC & 123 Pea
PeaNut 21,381
September 2001
Posts: 7,535
Layouts: 43
Loc: Dallas, Texas
| Posted: 12/8/2012 10:59:59 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
Seriously? People that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. My DH can go through my phone, email, browsing history all day long. I have nothing to hide. Obviously, she had intuition that something was wrong. The least of her worries should be that her husband won't trust Her !
OP, I would confront him and make an appointment sooner with the therapist. |
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freecharlie
Is the pool open yet?
PeaNut 109,127
September 2003
Posts: 19,246
Layouts: 4
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 12/8/2012 11:10:31 PM
Check your cell phone bill online. I know Verizon and others keep a log of # calls and incoming and outgoing texts. Check and see how often these two are texting/talking.
Take pictures of the texts so when he deletes them he can't make you feel like maybe you didn't read them right.
Can you check his email?
Go to surviving infidelity and read what they say there, those people have a lot of insight.
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
AYFK? |
| Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you | |
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BethAnneM
Hermetically sealed for your protection
PeaNut 95,504
July 2003
Posts: 7,403
Layouts: 0
Loc: Cali Baby
| Posted: 12/8/2012 11:12:26 PM
Either confront him immediately and risk him clamming up and locking down his phone and then you have no further proof of anything OR forward the messages to your phone for safe keeping.
I would forward the messages to my phone and then get online and start checking the phone and text records for this woman's number. See if there have been other encounters and who is initiating contact. I would probably wait a day or two to see what develops on the phone records before I confronted him. |
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Nyla
PeaFixture
PeaNut 144,412
April 2004
Posts: 3,754
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/8/2012 11:17:39 PM
I'd probably hide his phone & let him think he lost it, watch him freak out over the weekend. "Maybe it's in the car, didn't you take it with you? Did you leave it at the take-out place?" After that, who knows what I'd do, probably lots of crazy shit.
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I wouldn't wait until January. I would deal with it as soon as I checked the phone records & I wouldn't be calm.  | |
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Frazzled Mom
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 22,352
October 2001
Posts: 5,410
Layouts: 0
Loc: Between a rock and a hard place
| Posted: 12/8/2012 11:20:09 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
Scrappy princess, this has to be the most asinine thing I've ever heard. 
Lilina, trust your gut. If you feel comfortable with the therapist, make an appointment asap and explain why you need the appointment. Realize that if you confront your DH now, you will forever lose the element of surprise and he will hide any other evidence of inappropriate actions and have ample time to construct an explanation.
Good luck - my heart goes out to you. |
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MotherofJackals
Turning holy water into wine
PeaNut 27,168
January 2002
Posts: 22,122
Layouts: 27
Loc: Hanging out by the state line
| Posted: 12/8/2012 11:20:12 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
I get that you might not feel the need to look at your partners cell phone. However I can't fault the OP for doing it. Your comment of him now having a reason not to trust her is similar to things I've been told by somebody trying to turn conversations away from their actions. OP don't let your DH play those kind of mind games with you. Confront him now or later whichever seems best to you but don't back down for a second because his "privacy" was invaded.
99% of the time a women's intuition is right.
I agree completely.
I'd probably hide his phone & let him think he lost it, watch him freak out over the weekend. "Maybe it's in the car, didn't you take it with you? Did you leave it at the take-out place?"
That is sort of childish but I have to say I'd be really tempted to do it. Might as well get a good laugh out of the whole thing. | |
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jolin2
PeaNut
PeaNut 499,947
February 2011
Posts: 182
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 11:30:16 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
So, your a "deflector".
All I have to say is, if I saw pictures of a half dressed woman on my husbands phone...HE BETTER NOT TRUST ME. | |
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domoo
OMG....Did I really say that out loud?
PeaNut 262,693
May 2006
Posts: 5,761
Layouts: 7
Loc: Louisville, K
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 11:34:09 PM
Well you seem to be getting lots of good advice here, OP. I personally probably would have jumped the gun, been waiting in the driveway and confronted him before he even got out of the car. No way would I have been able to act normal with him. Might be the wrong thing to do, but seriously couldn't have hidden it. He would have known something was up as soon as he looked at me.
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
Good grief. Let's guilt trip the OP. |
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MotherofJackals
Turning holy water into wine
PeaNut 27,168
January 2002
Posts: 22,122
Layouts: 27
Loc: Hanging out by the state line
| Posted: 12/8/2012 11:34:56 PM
All I have to say is, if I saw pictures of a half dressed woman on my husbands phone...HE BETTER NOT TRUST ME.
I was thinking that too. I'm a simmering kind of angry person normally but something like that and I'd be seeing red and I can't say he would be safe in the house. | |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
 | Posted: 12/8/2012 11:39:20 PM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
 Are you saying she'd be better off not knowing, and cheated on behind her back??
Lilina, I like other's suggestions who said to look up the phone records and do a little bit more investigating. I wouldn't be able to keep quiet about it for long, certainly not keep up some facade through the holidays, and I wouldn't want to keep quiet and keep checking the phone to see if he goes ahead and cheats. But I might hold back from saying something for a few days, giving myself enough time to find everything I could, just to have a better idea of what I was dealing with.
Why wait to ask him? Do you feel like your husband wont be honest with you?
Since he's already being dishonest, there's a good likelihood that when confronted, he'll continue to be dishonest. | |
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AussieMeg
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 51,689
October 2002
Posts: 6,640
Layouts: 16
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
| Posted: 12/8/2012 11:59:58 PM
OP, I'm really sorry you're going through this.
Your comment of him now having a reason not to trust her is similar to things I've been told by somebody trying to turn conversations away from their actions. OP don't let your DH play those kind of mind games with you. Confront him now or later whichever seems best to you but don't back down for a second because his "privacy" was invaded.
Agree 100%. And if your DH really IS doing something wrong, chances are he will try to turn it round on you, like "How dare you snoop on me!" Been there, done that. In my case, my ex had the nerve to tell me I could get fired for breaching privacy laws by snooping on his phone bill.  (I worked for a telco at the time, that's how I caught him.) | |
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makingmemorieslast
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 153,017
June 2004
Posts: 2,740
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/9/2012 12:13:41 AM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
Yeah that's her biggest concern right now. Or his. This sounds like the famous excuse from classic abusive cheaters - when confronted with the fact that they're screwing someone that isn't their wife, they turn it around on the wife with, "Why were you reading my emails?" Ummmmm, not the biggest issue right now, not even in the Top 10! Nice try.
"He now has a reason not to trust you" - HELLO!! I'd say they had a trust problem BEFORE she looked at his phone!!
This isn't 4th grade where you don't read your best friend's diary. For God's sake, they're grown adults in a marriage, they should be able to look at each other's phones and not have an iota of worry what the other one will see.
What if he's having sex with this girl, and gives some disease to his wife? Would you still blame her because she "snooped"? Jesus, at least now she can protect herself if necessary. There are women who have DIED from diseases they got due to husbands cheating. I highly doubt they'd get much comfort from the "Well you snooped on his phone!" comeback.
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makingmemorieslast
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 153,017
June 2004
Posts: 2,740
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/9/2012 12:19:58 AM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
And you know what? Even if you truly believe this with all your heart, did you really need to say it? Tonight? To the OP? This poor woman is coming here for support from this community in a very dark hour of her life. Can you imagine what she's going through? And all she's asking is for a little support and comfort, and you have to bust out the attack?
Is that really necessary? It's not always the time or the place for "telling it like it is" or brash opinions. Have some tact. She's probably a freaking mess right now, and then has to get sucker punched with a post like yours.
Just because you CAN say whatever the hell you feel like on the internet, doesn't mean you SHOULD. Sometimes it would be appropriate to just bite your tongue and open a different thread. You know that old saying, "If you can't say something nice...." - well, when a woman comes to a group of friends because she just found a picture of a mostly-naked woman on her husband's phone and flirty texts, this would be a good time to BE NICE.
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Peabay
Happy now?
PeaNut 156,993
July 2004
Posts: 44,672
Layouts: 13
Loc: Connecticut
| Posted: 12/9/2012 12:24:08 AM
What would I do? I would've already said to him " what the fuck is THIS?" Literally the second he walked in the door.
I'm just not the type of person who could hold it in or wait. |
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makingmemorieslast
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 153,017
June 2004
Posts: 2,740
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/9/2012 12:28:23 AM
WTF? How did this woman get his number? Why is she flirting with him? His responses back SHOULD BE THIS. "STOP I AM MARRIED".
EXACTLY. Or he should've blocked her number. Easy peasy. Just because he's not being as explicit as she is in these few particular texts doesn't deserve a medal. Not telling her to stop is the same as giving her the signal that he's enjoying them and she can keep sending them.
OP, you say he's the one that wanted to start counseling. Do you think this girl came into his life before that time, or just at that time, and that's why he wanted to try to fix things with you? The therapy is not going to work if he's not honest with the therapist about what urged him to start therapy. If he is conflicted between you and this girl, and he's trying to figure out what he wants by doing the therapy, it's completely unfair to you that this issue has not been part of the therapy. (Obviously it's unfair to you for MANY other reasons! Just wanted to point out that it's interesting that HE is the one that wanted to start therapy. It's a bit unusual, I think, for the husband to initiate that. Perhaps this girl was in his life back then and that's part of why he wanted to go to therapy?) | |
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bizzymumma
I sense impending mayhem.
PeaNut 51,520
October 2002
Posts: 19,291
Layouts: 47
Loc: Beautiful BC
| Posted: 12/9/2012 12:34:48 AM
I'm so sorry. I know that sinking twisted gut feeling.
This is how I would open the conversation. "DH, I have a confession and some questions. I saw your phone on the counter earlier and I don't know why, but I snooped on it. You know what they say about snooping, don't snoop if you can't handle what you find. Well, I read some texts from XX to you and was absolutely shocked and hurt. How have you responded to her?" And take it from there.
I'll tell you what, he probably is just flattered as sh!t and is enjoying the attention. It's giving him a thrill and making him feel special. If it hasn't gotten physical yet (give him the benefit of the doubt), he may not realize the slippery dangerous slope he is on, or that there is only one appropriate response "I love my wife, please do not text me anymore". He may think that not responding in kind means he's not participating, but by not outright telling her to stop, he is encouraging her behavior, and she will only get bolder. Again, he may not think this way, and may need to hear it from the therapist and not just you, that even if it's one-sided behavior it's inappropriate and disrespectful to you for him not to be straight-forward with her.
There is a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass that he would find informative. It explains the slippery slope and what's appropriate and what's not between male/female co-workers, friends, etc.
Yes, check your online phone records to see the history of texting between the two. He may be deleting threads or certain messages.
Good luck. |
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Laurie
"Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow."
Doug Firebaugh
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peapermint
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 9,321
January 2001
Posts: 8,597
Layouts: 0
Loc: all up in your business
 | Posted: 12/9/2012 1:22:45 AM
I think since you already have an established relationship with a therapist you both trust, you should contact the therapist ASAP. Monday, I guess it would be.
Just to cover your bases, save the texts and images by taking a picture of them or whatever.
Side note: some woman started texting my husband explicit videos and messages but it was a stranger and he showed me right away and we figured out how to block the number. | |
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SueSume
AncestralPea
PeaNut 262,757
May 2006
Posts: 4,596
Layouts: 5
Loc: Big Bottom Valley
| Posted: 12/9/2012 3:27:37 AM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be --
he now has a reason not to trust you
Yes. CLEARLY the OP is to blame.
Now her (potentially) cheating DH can do so with a clear conscience.
Sheese!!!
Sorry OP. I would do some confronting. Starting with him and ending with her. BTDT |
Sue Who? SueASume, SueSume, who cares?
Reality is made up of words.-Ferdinando Buscema
Words are hard.-Hannah Kelly
NSBR: "We're like a big damn disfunctional family. We'll beat the crap out of each other, and it's ok, but dammit, if an outsider turns on one of ours, we circle the wagons." -Free~Bird
Used with permission & with 9% royality fee paid annually. Starting next year. Honest | |
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Bumpsy
BucketHead
PeaNut 494,958
January 2011
Posts: 628
Layouts: 4
Loc: Cork Ireland
| Posted: 12/9/2012 6:29:14 AM
WWYD? I'd talk to him right now, tell him what you've found (no apologies for snooping, that should be the least of his worries) and let him explain his sorry ass. It's up to you to decide what happens next but I would as another poster suggested make an appointment with the therapist just for you and talk it all out with her. I don't think it's a good idea to wait til January to sort this out, if it was me it would be right there bubbling away under the surface the whole time. It needs addressing now. Good luck. |
| I would go out tonight but I haven't got a stitch to wear. | |
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Woobster
The Banana Under the Couch Pea
PeaNut 295,941
February 2007
Posts: 6,608
Layouts: 0
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow...
| Posted: 12/9/2012 7:10:28 AM
I'm totally with busypea on this one. There's no way I would be able to hold that in. My DH would know the second hel ooked at me that something was very wrong. | |
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sharonmnc
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 39,386
May 2002
Posts: 6,862
Layouts: 28
Loc: Charlotte, NC
| Posted: 12/9/2012 7:28:33 AM
I think 99% of the time innocent people don't randomly get suggestive texts with bra/underwear sexy photos.
Apologize for snooping? Not bloody likely. I'd definitely confront him and not let him squirm off the hook with a lame excuse.
I wouldn't call a therapist. I'd call a private detective and get some solid dirt on his sorry ^$$. It requires some encouragement on his part for her to think it's ok to send sexy pictures. Protect yourself. |
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WillowJane
Running the Marathon, Not the Sprint
PeaNut 110,589
October 2003
Posts: 6,593
Layouts: 8
Loc: Texas
| Posted: 12/9/2012 7:36:21 AM
Before you take to heart all of the emotional responses on here, the best advice is the make an appointment with your therapist - without your husband. You need to get this off your chest to someone you can trust.
There are many things in play here - many things the Peas do not know and do not need to know - or you and DH wouldn't be seeing a therapist.
The facts as we know them - There is no proof your husband has physically cheated on you. There is not proof your husband initiated flirtatious contact with the woman - she sent the pictures to your DH. As much as everyone is beating up scrappy_princess, she is giving another perspective that also has to be taken into account.
I found a series of messages from a woman that really disturbed me. THey were very flirty and sexual on her part, and while he didn't really say much back, he didn't make any effort to discourage the dialogue either.
He may not have discouraged it, but is your DH a confrontational person? Did he send anything suggestive back? We know the dinner meeting didn't happen so that would make me take a step back and wonder how much of a part DH truly played in keeping the situation alive. Right now it seems the woman sending the photos is more of instigator than DH.
Your DH wants your marriage to work because HE was the one who recommended seeing a therapist. Please don't forget sight of that. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. A good marriage takes work, sometimes hard work. That work is between you and your DH. Don't let the emotions of others make the situation worse and diminish the progress you and DH have made thus far.
Make an appointment with your therapist as soon as possible. They can help you get a much better handle on the situation, understand different perspectives, and get a set of tools in your "relationship tookit" to address the problem without going bat-sh!t ninja on your husband.
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doglover
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 11,975
March 2001
Posts: 2,530
Layouts: 21
Loc: new jersey and proud of it!
| Posted: 12/9/2012 8:10:07 AM
I would think he would be more careful with his phone if there was something going on between them. The fact he left it behind makes me think he doesn't have too much too hide (or he's really stupid) |
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cdnstorelady
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 218,176
August 2005
Posts: 6,086
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/9/2012 8:13:26 AM
TigerWwoods had lots to hide, as did Eva Longoria's husband and yet they both got caught with the evidence on their phones. We also don't know how easily she found the texts..... | |
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liya
BucketHead
PeaNut 311,281
April 2007
Posts: 559
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/9/2012 8:32:37 AM
My ex (who was cheating) left his phone for me to snoop from time to time. I don't know if he was stupid (well he was but...) or wanted to be caught.
Best if luck OP it is a tough situation. I wish you only the best. | |
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bgpa
BucketHead
PeaNut 53,649
October 2002
Posts: 897
Layouts: 40
Loc: NorthCentral PA
| Posted: 12/9/2012 9:33:56 AM
Make an appointment with your gynecologist. |
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Free~Bird
Honorary Bearcat!
PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
Posts: 9,938
Layouts: 3
Loc: Missouri
| Posted: 12/9/2012 9:45:01 AM
Easy.
I'd use MY phone to call her up and do a WTF!!!! in her ear. Then after that conversation was done, I'd sit and wait for what text message she'd send his phone. That message will be the answer.
It's either:
"Dude, I'm so sorry, I wish I hadn't sent you those pictures that night I was drunk. Your wife found them and she's PISSED!!"
or
"Baby, just a heads up, your bitch/wife found your phone and is snooping through it. Call me so I can tell you what she said." |
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sugarcoated
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 140,176
April 2004
Posts: 2,095
Layouts: 0
Loc: At Work
| Posted: 12/9/2012 9:47:24 AM
Your post asks WWYD? My answer -I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
You're one of those wives that ignores a cheating husband and pretends everything is okeedokee, huh? Oh. Wait. You may be the cheater.
I wills say that snooping for snooping's sake is not a good behavior. However, checking something out because something doesn't seem right is just good common sense. What is OP supposed to do? Wait til he cleans out their bank accounts and moves out?
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JustMeAmy
PeaAddict
PeaNut 215,755
July 2005
Posts: 1,233
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/9/2012 9:53:17 AM
I completely agree with what ~FreeBird~ said.....although it's probably too late and he has his phone now.
As far as those pics making his way to the other Peas husband randomly....I agree with the numerous posts before me. That doesn't JUST HAPPEN |
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ilovecookies
PeaAddict
PeaNut 506,197
April 2011
Posts: 1,994
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 12/9/2012 10:00:45 AM
I wouldn't have invaded my husbands privacy and snooped. No matter what you are reading this situation to be -- he now has a resaon not to trust you.
Here's what I'd do, OP:
1. Make an appt. with my OB/GYN for some testing ASAP
2. Go through your cell phone statements with a fine-toothed comb.
Depending on what I found, I'd either confront him (if there was no other evidence on his phone or in the cell records) or if there was, I'd be gathering all kinds of records-cell phone, financial, etc; consulting an attorney; and then going from there based on the attorney's advice, finding a therapist for myself, etc. But no way would I be confronting him before doing some basic checking (cell phone records) and having lots of ducks in a row.
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momofkandn
PeaAddict
PeaNut 159,041
July 2004
Posts: 1,040
Layouts: 0
Loc: Maryland
| Posted: 12/9/2012 10:07:31 AM
I don't think there was anything wrong with you looking at his phone. But I don't have the same view of privacy within a marriage as others seem to have. I have no secrets from my husband. And I don't say anything to anyone else that my husband couldn't know about. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. It could be said that my view of privacy is because I was a betrayed spouse. But I felt this way before my husband had an affair. And I never felt guilty looking at his phone. In fact, that is how I confirmed with certainty that he was cheating. Although my gut told me long before I saw the actual evidence.
These texts are inappropriate at best and evidence of cheating at worst. I would confront him now. I wouldn't wait until there was a third party present. Part of having open and honest communication with your spouse is being able to discuss anything. Including something that might be confrontational. You know your husband better than anyone. And I will venture to guess that you will be able to discern whether he is being honest with you when you confront him about the texts. Watch his body language, his eyes, and read his tone of voice. Then you can discuss this whole thing with your counselor so that you can both get an objective opinion on how to deal with the emotions of this together.
These texts alone are not irrefutable evidence that he is cheating. But they are a red flag especially when combined with the meeting that never happened. His initiating the counselling isn't irrefutable evidence that he isn't cheating. Many cheaters make attempts to fix the marriage even while they are in the midst of an affair.
This may all be very innocent on the part of your husband. And if it is, then he should be willing to block this person from sending texts and be much more careful in the future to make sure flirting does not cross the boundary.
I will second the suggestion to read Not Just Friends. It's an excellent book and very eye opening to how easy it is to start down a slippery slope. Especially in our age of social media, texting, and fully co-ed work environments.
When confronting him, don't be apologetic. You have nothing to apologize for. And try not to be accusatory, you don't know that he's done anything wrong. He is receiving inappropriate texts. He should be willing to make them stop. Your feelings are more important than anything else here. You are his wife, not the chick in her underwear. If he starts to get defensive, brings up past things you've done wrong or starts accusing you of being distrustful, don't let him distract you. You are discussing this one incident of the texts and need to come to a resolution because you find them suspicious and inappropriate. Everything else can wait for counselling sessions. It is actually a sign of trust in him that you are confronting him directly and not just running off to an attorney or private investigator.
Hugs! | |
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about_to_pea
PeaAddict
PeaNut 104,674
September 2003
Posts: 1,901
Layouts: 47
Loc: Michigan
| Posted: 12/9/2012 10:16:36 AM
Women can and will try to steal your husband. Times are tough. Good men with a job and insurance look like a good catch. They dont care if he is married. They will see how far they can get. It starts with a phone call, then texts, then photos and then dinner and hotels. Nip it in the bud if you can. Get mad. Even if its not in your character, show some attitude! Send her a text back: This is his wife. I care. You wont be seeing my husband. Get your own. I will find you and beat your ass if I have to." Let it be known that you know and you care. You dont have to take this BS lying down. Try it. You might surprise you husband LOL Good Luck. |
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Gail OH
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 108,385
September 2003
Posts: 6,048
Layouts: 0
Loc: Ohio
| Posted: 12/9/2012 10:34:41 AM
Just wondering how you are doing ? |
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brandt
PeaNut
PeaNut 8,538
December 2000
Posts: 438
Layouts: 0
Loc: St. Louis, Mo.
| Posted: 12/9/2012 11:05:28 AM
Here's how the conversation would go in my house.
As soon as he walks through the door "what the fuck is this?"
Him "OW!" (as the phone hits him in the head from across the room)
Ditto! No therapist required! | |
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