UPDATE - Found inappropriate texts on DHs cell - WWYD?

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Posted 12/8/2012 by Lilina* in NSBR Board
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Margeux
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Posted: 12/9/2012 11:54:18 AM
I would take a step back and use some of the communication tactics that I assume your therapist or books the therapist recommended to confront the issue. I agree a an appt for you alone with the therapist is a good idea, but I do not think you can wait to discuss it with your DH. This maybe the turning point you and DH need to decide how to proceed with your marriage. Regardless its going to be painful..... Positive thoughts and if you are praying person, know that I'm saying one for you....


**Margeux**



BuckeyeSandy
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Posted: 12/9/2012 11:59:29 AM
Call me crazy, but he may have left the phone behind for you to find, to bring this up and out in the open.

Some here will say the "infidelity line" is crossed with sex, I'm one that says it is crossed with inappropriate texts and conversations.

I don't know what you did or are doing... but I really do recommend the surviving infidelity website. And if you want a marriage to each other to last to work at it. It can be done. A few years back I thought ours was over. We are still good, but I will never have that deep in my heart "comfort" back. Infidelity does destroy stuff.


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Quinlove
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Posted: 12/9/2012 12:08:13 PM
I am so sorry that you are going through this...one of the hardest things to deal with.

Going through cell phone records is a great thing to start with...but, I would have probably confronted him as soon as he got in the door.

Keep strong through this... there are alot of caring and wise women in your corner. For every post here to you, there are a ton of people who are keeping you in their thoughts and just don't post much.

Please be comforted by all this seen and unseen support.




~~ Marianne ~~


batya
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Posted: 12/9/2012 12:57:22 PM
I don't mind my DH going through my emails, phone, etc. Why? B/c there is nothing there he shouldn't see. If he felt the need to look b/c he couldn't trust me, I'd be disappointed and we'd have to address it, but we wouldn't have to address anything he found that would be inappropriate and THAT is the difference.

For some reason you had reason to believe something was off. And sadly you were right. This has to be addressed now, one way or another. I'm so sorry.

The avg person does not get unsolicited nude texts. They just don't. And IF on the off chance they do, they stop it and would tell the spouse, guess what crazy ass thing happened to ME today!...


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meridon
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Posted: 12/9/2012 6:19:46 PM
Been thinking about you today, OP and hope you update soon.

And not to make light of the situation, but I did get some very inappropriate texts and pictures once from a totally wrong number! My retinas needed bleaching. Fortunately, my DH has a good sense of humor.


"Patience is knowing it will happen and giving it time to."---Rodney White

kimmieb13
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:03:52 PM
What kind of wife have you been? Do you act like his girlfriend? Complement him. Flirt with him. I saw in your first post you talking about what a great husband he was but typically you are more concerned with your kids your family your friend because you think he's such a great guy he'll never leave. Wrong. Even good men can only take so much. Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" by dr Laura Schlesinger.
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freecharlie
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:09:24 PM

What kind of wife have you been? Do you act like his girlfriend? Complement him. Flirt with him. I saw in your first post you talking about what a great husband he was but typically you are more concerned with your kids your family your friend because you think he's such a great guy he'll never leave. Wrong. Even good men can only take so much. Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" by dr Laura Schlesinger
She is a fucking moron!!!

Seriously? You, through this quack's words, are placing blame on the woman being cheated on?!?!? AFKM??


Tribbey: I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you

batya
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:11:04 PM

What kind of wife have you been? Do you act like his girlfriend? Complement him. Flirt with him. I saw in your first post you talking about what a great husband he was but typically you are more concerned with your kids your family your friend because you think he's such a great guy he'll never leave. Wrong. Even good men can only take so much. Read "the proper care and feeding of husbands" by dr Laura Schlesinger.


"Dr" Laura?

OP, please disregard this tripe. Even if you were the world's worst wife and he wanted to look elsewhere, he should divorce first and then drop his drawers. A cheater's behvior speaks to the character of the cheater and NO ONE ELSE. Not the spouse or anyone. My goodness. I feel sorry for this poster.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




justalittletike
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:13:19 PM
Here's how the conversation would go in my house.


As soon as he walks through the door "what the fuck is this?"

Him "OW!" (as the phone hits him in the head from across the room)



Ditto! No therapist required!
-----------------------------

Yep I'm in this boat only the phone would be at his head while I was walking out!


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justalittletike
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:15:34 PM
And just for the record, I don't care if you are the shittiest wife or you are mean to your husband.

DON'T cheat it isn't acceptable.

Put on big boy/girl pants and file for divorce.

Edited: this came across wrong. I mean for the cheater... If you are going to cheat be a big boy and file for divorce first.

Although you will need some big girl pants to deal with him I feel for you in a situation like this.


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beachgurl
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:23:13 PM
kimmieb13, you didn't recently send some racy photos as a text message, did you?




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AncestralPea

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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:28:31 PM

What would I do? I would've already said to him " what the fuck is THIS?" Literally the second he walked in the door.

I'm just not the type of person who could hold it in or wait.


Yeah - that.

flanz
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:38:37 PM
Thinking of you, OP, and hoping you're doing okay tonight.

I totally disagree with the "Dr. Laura" advice! is right!

Lilina*
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Posted: 12/9/2012 7:48:14 PM
Just wanted you all to know that I have read all your posts and appreciate your advice, but I have not had time to update this weekend. I promise I will update, but probably not until tomorrow when DH is at work.

PEArfect
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Posted: 12/9/2012 8:02:58 PM
Do you really think it was accidental that he left his phone for you to look at? I doubt it, but only you know your marriage. I'm wondering if this could be his way of telling you without facing you. Maybe he wants out of the marriage? It's definitely time to talk to him and see what's going on. I would want to know so I could decide what I wanted to do next. I hope things work out for the best for both of you!


Jen


LeoGirl76
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:15:24 AM
Hoping everything is ok.



Lilina*
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:37:41 AM
Update in OP

SueSume
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:42:51 AM
OP
I am so very sorry.

I wish you peace and courage on this journey, quiet in the midst of the storm.


*********Sue Who? *******


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gar
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:44:46 AM
I'm sorry OP. I hope you find some inner strength.




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fofana
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:47:28 AM
I'm so, so sorry, OP. I wish you strength. You WILL get through this. Please keep us updated.

(((HUGS)))!!!



WannaPea
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:49:14 AM

And this morning I found a Victoria's Secret shipping email which had 2 pieces of lingerie on it : one in a size M (my size) and the same item in an XS, NOT MY SIZE. I am destroyed. This doesn't even feel real. How could he do this not only to me, but to his children, who he adores? How could he destroy his family? He is all about family and having family dinners every night and taking vacations as a family, etc. But I guess his penis and his ego are more important than all of that.
I'm so pissed FOR you!

UGH. I don't even have any advice, other than I think you know what has to be done here.

No way could I ever get past something like that. The phone pics, the nightie(s). BLECH.


Cop's wife - Mom to one
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asr70
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:50:21 AM
Having BTDT with DD's father, I'm sorry.




momofkandn
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:52:19 AM
I'm so very sorry! Hugs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Please go to surviving infidelity website and message board. You will find friends there that are in the exact same situation as you. You can get advice on how to confront him.

You will get through this. Take care of you. Try to eat and sleep and focus in keeping yourself healthy.
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BethAnneM
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:52:39 AM
I just read your update and I am very sorry. ((hugs))

At least you are now armed with the proof and information that you need to go forward.



bgpa
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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:56:01 AM
I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes, and my heart aches for you. I know it's little comfort now, but life will go on. Focus on yourself and your children. Don't let ANYONE point the finger at you and say that any of it is your fault. It's not. It took a session with a counselor to make me come to that point, but it was a great moment of strength to have that burden lifted off my shoulders.
Be strong. Be in control of the situation. The Peas are here for you...and when you need us, just holler. Vent away, dear one...that's what we're here for. If you need a real voice to talk to, from someone who has been in your shoes, PM me and I'll give you my number.


Barb

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I-95
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:03:27 AM
Why does this sh*t always happen around the holidays?

I swear, as long as I've been on 2 Peas, there's not a December that goes by without a Pea discovering her DH is cheating, or one blindsiding her with a divorce demand. Makes me sad.

OP, I'm so sorry. You have a lot invested in this marriage, and maybe this is a gross misstep by your DH. It may end up in divorce, but it can also be overcome with a LOT of hard work by two people who want to save their marriage. Please come back and update us on what you decide to do. My heart breaks for you.

Casii
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:08:27 AM
I'm so sorry to read that update and had hoped for better.

Praying and sending strength & wisdom for you!


Ciao,
Casii

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Shevy
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:08:45 AM
I'm sorry you're going through this, especially at this time of year. It's got to be crushing. Please makre sure that you see your therapist or a therapist on your own. Also make sure that you have someone in your life that you can talk to/lean on because you're going to need that support form a live person (not that people can't support you online, but in person is different).

I'm glad that you're protecting yourself and your kids. I'm also glad that you listened to your head when your heart was clearly telling you otherwise.

I'm so sorry and I hope you find some peace soon.



Kelpea
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:10:22 AM
OP...I am so sorry. At least you're being honest and prepared to take next steps.

In that regard, can someone here who's good with searches find OP one or more of those threads we've had here that shows what MUST be done in preparation for something like this, i.e., accounts (names on accounts, etc.), mortgage papers, etc.?



Miglets
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:11:03 AM
I just read your update. Oh, Lilina I'm so sorry that what was already an awful situation just got worse.

I have no personal experience w/this so I won't offer too much advice since I don't know what I would do in your shoes.

As emotionally crippling as I'm sure this is, try to keep your wits about you so you can protect yourself. I'm glad to see you've contacted a lawyer.

Keep checking in here, the Peas always seem so know how to handle such things.

Lavish your babies w/love.

Know that hugs & prayers are always coming to you.




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Gail OH
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:13:04 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this..

If you think this is headed for court please copy all info you can on last 2 or 3 saving statements, checking account statements, 401, retirements,annuities...mortgage if you own your home ,car titles,boat, rec-like 4 wheelers etc..children accounts...get copies of his pay statements if you can and make copies of your tax returns...hopefully you can get this all done before he knows you are doing this and before you see the lawyer...

If you have been married more then 10 years you can get part of his retirement as well, at least it is that way in Ohio...child support, school fees, dental ,health , daycare, cloths, etc...for the kids you will want to discuss with your lawyer.

I really hope you can maybe work this out but if not please talk to your therapist...

I am an older woman, 64, been through a divorce but found a very good man that I have been married to for 41 years...if you need to talk you can email me ...some times it is easier to talk to a stranger ...I am a good listener ...

If you can get a copy of those texts and her phone number...don't contact her even though you may feel like it...you are better then her...

I really wish you the best when you come out of all this...a stronger more confident person...you take care of you first so you are there for your kids...hugs...Gail


Gail

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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:14:57 AM
I'm so sorry, BTDT the WEEK before our 10th anniversary. It is bad when you find out BUT when you find out around a holiday or anniversary, it seems to add a little extra pain.

I'll be thinking of you.


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Miglets
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:16:05 AM
Just went back to read more replies.

Really, kimmieb? Blaming the one cheated on? Come on . . .

Beachgurl, lol!!!






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Peabay
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:17:11 AM
I'm so sorry. Truly.



Fireflyy
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:25:56 AM
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you have close friends (since you said you don't have family near) who can help you through this.

IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:28:54 AM
Just read the update....so sorry to hear that What an awful thing to find. I think the best advice at this point is to start gathering bank records, paperwork, etc, just to be prepared, and see the laywer too.

Big hugs!!

Linda-H
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:28:56 AM
I am sorry that you are going through this. (((hugs)))

peapermint
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:34:18 AM
I am so sorry! I was so hoping it was not this.

I knew a guy who sounds like your DH in some respects. Very family-oriented, seemingly committed to marriage, etc. I may be way off-base, but as a heads-up just in case, I *think* he must be "compartmentalizing" in a major way, and when confronted will act like what's going on has nothing to do with you; he still loves you, would never leave, etc. That's what happened to a friend of mine, right down to getting the exact same gift -- lazy men; grr.

Take care.

Advicegivingpea
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:43:28 AM
(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you're going through this. BTDT myself. My first piece of advice is to go check out the forums at www.survivinginfidelity.com. It's a great resource and very supportive. There's also some good reading at www.chumplady.com, a former SI member.

Carolina Girl 71
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:51:14 AM
(((Hugs))) and prayers for you to know the right way to handle this. Look out for yourself and your precious children.

Definitely talk to a lawyer, and you might want to call your therapist as well. (((Hugs)))


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doesitmatter?
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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:20:25 AM
Just read your update - I'm so sorry and I have been there. Sending you hugs and lifting you and your children in prayer. A lawyer and therapy appointment are both a good idea, as would be an afternoon with a food friend where you can fall apart away from the kids. Please remember that you have choices and that whether you leave or stay and work through it is up to you- listen to your gut, your heart, and your mind - don't let anyone tell you what you need to do. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad you have your children to enjoy Christmas withhugs and prayers.

Feel free to pm me if you would like to chat.


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wendy.merrill
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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:23:38 AM
OP, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are going through this. I know that awful feeling in your gut. I sent you a PM (I think, it's not showing up in my sent items). My heart hurts for you, I hope everything turns out okay.

scrappy-princess and kimmieb13, shame on you both. This is in no way her fault no matter the condition of their marriage or that she "snooped". HE is the cheater, he made the choice.
Please don't ever take advice from someone like "Dr" Laura. What a joke.

HUGS to you!

CaribbeanGirl
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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:27:58 AM
Bless your heart. I'm so sorry you are going through this especially during the holidays.


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finally~a~mama
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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:28:07 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this.




Georgiapea
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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:41:09 AM
Oh, my, now that you know about the 'apparel', when you open the gift you can say "Size EXTRA SMALL, I think you got the packages mixed up"!

Glad you will be seeing an attorney and getting your ducks in a row.

barbara32ca
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:20:50 PM
I am so sad to read your update. I was truly hoping that because he hadn't answered the texts that it was somehow a one-sided thing. I am sorry for everything that you are going through.

*~*amanda*~*
...

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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:22:51 PM
How awful. My heart is breaking for you.



cannes
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:27:30 PM
I just read your update and I'm so sorry. ((Hugs))


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stacyscrapper
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:29:48 PM
How horrible. I'm so sincerely sorry for what you are facing. May you find the strength to get through it.

ilovebuble
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:33:06 PM
BTDT, although I was not married but we were on our way to it. I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time during the holidays. Can you make an appointment for just yourself to see your therapist soon? Your update is heartbreaking but I am glad you are confronting him now in light of what you found.

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