I know I am doing the right thing but I feel awful about it
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 12/9/2012 by enjoytotheend in NSBR Board
 

enjoytotheend
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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:14:55 PM
My ex boyfriend went through treatment for his drug addiction. I know 100% that he did because he contacted several of our mutual friends and that is the number that came up. They say he has changed. He is in Arizona right now and just expects me to let him come stay with me for a few nights until his best friend comes here. I feel awful thinking of him not having a place to stay. Sick to my stomach awful. I also feel awful every time I see someone homeless. But I know how abusive he was with me before and I can't subject myself or my roommate and her children to it. I still feel awful.

edie3
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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:16:30 PM
He made the choice to be that way. You do not owe him anything! Stay away from him.




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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:16:47 PM
You're doing the right thing. And I wouldn't feel one bit badly about it either. He's not homeless. Don't overdramatize it. And don't think about it for another second. He's a big boy and you are not responsible for him.


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beachgurl
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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:17:53 PM
You did the right thing. Especially when I read about your roommate and her children. You did the rght thing.




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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:20:14 PM

I know how abusive he was with me before


Do NOT feel guilty. You do not have to subject yourself to abuse or even be uncomfortable because he does not have a place to stay. No is a complete sentence!


"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him...or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He did not leave that option open to us. He did not intend to."

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Chlerbie
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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:21:18 PM
You don't owe him anything. It's great that he's clean, but that doesn't erase the past. You're doing what's right for you!


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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:23:19 PM
You did the right thing. Stay strong!

enjoytotheend
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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:28:12 PM
Thanks! I am holding strong. I know that going through counseling is helping because I am staying away. He came back to Arizona with no job no place to live just expecting me to take care of him I guess. I can't. I have moved on from that time in my life. I know that I deserve and want more.

lascrapper
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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:35:56 PM
Trust is earned, and he hasn't earned yours again. That is wisdom on your part. He was foolish to assume you would house him. Be wise and careful for yourself, your roomie and the kids.



cmpeter
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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:40:43 PM
You did the right thing. Especially when you throw in your roommate and her children into the equation.


Cindi

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Posted: 12/9/2012 9:41:55 PM
Hugs, Hun.


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Posted: 12/9/2012 10:56:38 PM
Just because it is right doesn't mean it is easy. You are certainly making progress because you know he is no good for you and yours. Good luck.


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Posted: 12/9/2012 11:06:23 PM
This:

"Just because it is right doesn't mean it is easy. You are certainly making progress because you know he is no good for you and yours. Good luck."

It gets easier the more you do it. I used to have such a hard time saying no. Then I started saying no, but was guilt-ridden and obsessive about it. Then I got over the guilt of saying no but would still always offer to "rescue" people from their life circumstances. I finally came to a point where I don't do any of that and it is wonderful. I don't feel guilty or nervous or worried sick about other people's lives anymore. I'm not trying to solve everyone else's problems, I just listen and encourage them in whatever positive steps they are taking. It took a lot of effort and self-control for me to get there, but it is so worth it.

You are on your way! It really does get easier to stop the guilt feelings as you go.
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Posted: 12/9/2012 11:13:26 PM
Youre definitely doing the right thing.

You can not let that man stay with you. At all.



enjoytotheend
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:05:14 AM
Thanks for telling me it does get easier. At least now he has no clue where I lived. I don't even live in the same city. I want to believe he is clean but he has called me already from 2 hospitals which are red flags for me. One of his issues was with IV pain meds although he could have a kidney stone. I guess in the end it really doesn't matter. He finally stopped calling. I hope it does get easier. I have counseling tomorrow. I think if it were anyone else I could probably find a place for them to stay but with him I could never assume that liability. He did a lot of damage emotionally, physically, spiritually, and especially financially. As it is it will take years to recover from everything. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. Whenever I see someone homeless I say a prayer for them.

pennyring
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Posted: 12/10/2012 12:05:21 AM
I would say no just based on his presumptuousness. Seriously, how dare he just assume you would let him stay with you? Get pissed. It's easier to be strong when you're pissed.




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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:03:29 AM
He has no right to expect you to let him stay with you. I'm sorry but in rehab they are supposed to learn that they have to earn their trust back with you. I have a certain relative that is the biggest manipulative drug addict and he would do exactly what this guy is doing with you.

They hope you will feel sorry for them so they can get their way. Please don't feel guilty, and please run and dont look back!

Christine58
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:07:51 AM
Didn't he abuse you?? He's homeless because he is on his way to stay at a friend's house??? His problem, not yours. You are doing the right thing, don't let him anywhere near you.



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SuzastampinCTMH
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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:11:17 AM
Since your friends say he's so changed,tell them to let him stay with them. There's no way I'd let him stay with me. I'd be afraid that he wouldn't leave. Stay strong!



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Posted: 12/10/2012 5:19:11 AM
No need to feel bad. You are doing the right thing. Stick to your boundaries and feel proud of yourself for being strong. He made his own choices and he must live with the consequences. If your friends are so sure he has changed they can let him stay with them.


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redshoes73
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:21:40 AM
Ditto ditto ditto to what Betsy said!!!
Stay strong! You ARE doing the right thing!!
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:00:47 AM

He is in Arizona right now and just expects me to let him come stay with me for a few nights until his best friend comes here. I feel awful thinking of him not having a place to stay. Sick to my stomach awful. I also feel awful every time I see someone homeless. But I know how abusive he was with me before and I can't subject myself or my roommate and her children to it. I still feel awful.


Going through treatment is a FAR CRY from having your addiction resolved.

Then he needs to STAY in Arizona until his friend arrives.

Or here is a novel concept...tell him to stay in a hotel until the friend arrives.

He is not homeless. He is making a choice to go somewhere and until he secures a place to stay, he needs to stay where he is.

And there is no way I would let an abusive addict stay with my kids and so I would bet your roommate would have something to say about this and if it went badly YOU might end up without a home.

NO is a complete sentence. I would not let him know where you live and tell him to stop contacting you.



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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:05:18 AM
He was treated for drug addiction but that doesn't mean he wouldn't still be abusive. Since he doesn't know where you live, I would definitely keep him from knowing that fact. Drugs might have been part of the reason he was abusive, but it might not be the only reason.

Why isn't he staying with his friends? Does he have family? It is NOT your responsibility to "fix" his problems. To ask to stay with you for even a few days is a red flag IMO. Don't let him even know where you live now, no matter how much he tries to tell you he has changed. If he got in the door, it could be really hard to get him out, and it could be potentially dangerous not only to you but also to your roommate and her kids.

He might have asked to stay with you partly to get the info of where you live, since you say he doesn't know. If he was abusive before, I would bet that he would turn out to be abusive still.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:40:56 AM
there are plenty of completely sober folks that are the worst abusive assholes in the world. Stay away from him. The fact that he wuld even ask such a thing of you after what he did to you tells me he hasn't changed a bit.



SmartyPants71
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Posted: 12/10/2012 7:45:53 AM
He abused you and now he expects you to let him stay with you? He obviously didn't get to the "making amends" part of his recovery. You are definitely doing the right thing by saying no.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:02:38 AM
He made his bed, now let him lie in it...somewhere else.

3kidmama
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:16:47 AM
It's Arizona. Let him do what the pioneers did and camp outside for a few days. It's not like it's 30 below zero there this time of year. Besides, even our small town has shelters for homeless people. I know because my family volunteers there. It's nothing fancy but it's a warm place to sleep and a homecooked meal for their stomachs.

The best thing you can do for him right now is to let him feel the consequences of his choices. "Healthy" people do not go to a location with no place to stay expecting someone to take them in.

purplepackrat
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:24:01 AM

He is in Arizona right now and just expects me to let him come stay with me for a few nights until his best friend comes here.


Why does he expect anything from you? Have you somehow implied that he could stay with you? No way should an unrelated male, abusive, drug addict be staying anywhere near women and children. Putting them in that situation is much more untenable than leaving an adult, supposedly sober male to fend for himself for a couple of nights.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:25:16 AM
You have children, say no, it's not your problem.




KRC11
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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:30:57 AM
Excuse me -- not only for yourself, but you have children and he was abusesive? This is an absolute no-go. I would never let an abuse person anywhere near my kids, even if you think he has changed. And it sounds like you don't actually have proof he's change. Ditto for the roommate. You don't have the right to bring your formerly abusive boyfriend into my home. He can find another place or delay his arrival a few days. Or get a hotel. Sounds to me like he hasn't changed all that much if he can't get that he was abusive to you and you might not want him there. In fact, sounds like he's still playing mentally abusive games with you if he just expects you to let him stay with you.


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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:54:21 AM
I wonder how much he really has changed if he just expects his abused ex to take him in.

Even if he has changed, he is not your responsibility. Your children are. Good for you for standing firm.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:56:04 AM
If you really care about him make him accountable for his actions. Part of that is understanding that things he did while an addict are still affecting people and simply not using does not make everything go away. If he is going to stay clean he needs to learn that some things cannot be undone, some relationships will never be fixed, how to cope with that and move on to a happy life without using drugs.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 8:56:06 AM
No way! Give him the number for Motel 6.




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Posted: 12/10/2012 9:11:57 AM
One thing I learned after my father came back from rehab (I was 13):

He was just as awful of a man sober as he was drunk. He just didn't slur his words anymore.

Stick to your guns. Do NOT let him back in.


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Nyxish
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:20:11 AM
Don't feel awful, don't even feel bad.

In fact, in your shoes i'd at least try to find it completely hilariously funny that he thinks it's a given that he can just come stay with you - the phrase "HAHAHHAHAHA No." comes to mind.

Being strong for yourself and the worthwhile people in your life isn't anything to feel bad about. Ever.





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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:20:39 AM

I have moved on from that time in my life. I know that I deserve and want more.


Keep saying this over and over and over! Print it out and tape it to the fridge and your bathroom mirror. Keep saying/reading it until you believe it so strongly you don't even *consider* taking him back into your home and life.



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obliolait
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:21:48 AM
you should not even entertain the idea until he has stayed clean and sober for at least 3-5 years.

dreamerpea
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:24:22 AM
Oh, please do not let this man near you!

He will find a place to land. You are NOT responsible for him!!!

HUGS! Be strong and don't give in!




Fireflyy
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Posted: 12/10/2012 10:29:46 AM
Ignore any guilty feelings, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

You deserve better. Much better.

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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:24:49 AM
He's been sober for 2 seconds and he has a history of being abusive and you have kids. That's all you need to know to be able to say no. I wouldn't take his calls or respond to texts/emails. He made his choices and you need to live life w/o him. Show your kids the healthy way to live life. Guilt need not apply here!


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Posted: 12/10/2012 11:27:01 AM

You're doing the right thing. And I wouldn't feel one bit badly about it either. He's not homeless. Don't overdramatize it. And don't think about it for another second. He's a big boy and you are not responsible for him.


Exactly this.

enjoytotheend
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Posted: 12/10/2012 1:50:04 PM
Thanks everyone! Just to be clear I don't have children. I moved in with a single mom who has her children here 50% of the time. I haven't heard from him since last night so I am sure he found somewhere else. I hope he has changed his life for the sake of himself but too much damage has been done for me to ever even have a friendship with him.

SonjaW
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:19:32 PM
It is hard to cut people off, even if they did terrible things but, as you clearly know, you must. Try not to feel too bad about it. It was ridiculous for him to come to Arizona expecting you to put him up after he treated you badly. Clearly, he has not resolved his issues. Even if you were on good terms, expecting a "friend" to put you up without warning is unacceptable. Keep strong!

peanuttle
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:25:16 PM
Stay strong OP, you ARE doing the right thing!

barbara32ca
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Posted: 12/10/2012 6:37:12 PM
I am so sorry that you are having these feelings but you ARE doing the right thing! At one point you had feelings for him and he abused your love and trust. As difficult as it is, no good would come of this meeting. It's better to cut your losses and count your blessings. You are being strong.
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