If your S/O is willing to be upset with for 5 days OVER Xmas-how do you respond???
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 12/25/2012 by gustergirl in NSBR Board
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gustergirl
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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:19:08 PM
Last Friday, my ex and I got in a fight when he came to pick the kids up. This rarely happens (2x a year) but it did get heated in my part! My boyfriend was very upset at me!! I apologized, said I learned my lesson-I was just acting like momma bear bc my son was sick.

We had one conversation about it afterwards and no words satisfied him. He has not tried to talk to me or resolve this since then. I have made numerous attempts but get snapped at etc

We went to his family Xmas dinner in silence and did not interact. He did not participate in the Xmas eve surprise for the kids which he made.

Xmas morning he watched the kids open presents but has done his own thing all day.

This is NOT the first time this has happened and I always break the silence, fix the issue but I can't believe he let his stubbornness ruin his Xmas and his part in ours.

What should I do?? I am frustrated and heartbroken but feels like I should not be the one to step up if he can't be satisfied by apologies etc


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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:23:55 PM
I think you owe it to your children to model healthy relationships. This clearly is not one. Grown adults do not get to act like pouty children.

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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:24:07 PM
Things never get better when you get married.
I'd question my relationship with someone that acts like that when they are supposed to be acting their best to impress me.


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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:25:34 PM
He is being selfish, childish and honestly I think a bit cruel to treat you the way he has. He sounds like he has a great deal of growing up to do and unless he desires that to happen he won't be changing. Is that what you want to live with? How many times has this happened? Are you always the one to pursue him in making things right? From your post it sounded like that was the case.

beachgurl
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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:25:59 PM
I'd be glad he was just a boyfriend.

ETA: Wait, is he trashing the Christmas fun for my kids? Cause believe it or not that is dealbreaker material for me. We'd be better off without him.




IleneTell
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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:26:11 PM
I'd be rethinking my relationship at this point, Before you're married to him.

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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:27:22 PM
What should you do? You should think long and hard about remaining in a relationship with someone who cannot work out issues like a grown up.



ilovebuble
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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:31:27 PM
I wouldn't be falling over myself to resolve anything. You've apologized and he should be willing to buck up and enjoy the holiday but instead he's acting like a baby.

I'd be seriously considering if he was worth the headache and probably be telling him to pack up and ship out if he really didn't want to be involved in anything.

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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:33:57 PM

I'd be glad he was just a boyfriend.

ETA: Wait, is he trashing the Christmas fun for my kids? Cause believe it or not that is dealbreaker material for me. We'd be better off without him.

This would be the last Christmas he had the opportunity to ruin Christmas for me and my kids.


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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:36:00 PM
Agree with everyone else. He's out.

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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:37:04 PM
He was mad at you because you got into a fight with your ex? Why would he be mad at you over that? I don't understand.

I wouldn't want to be with a guy who gave me the silent treatment over multiple days. I understand needing an hour or two to calm down, but why would he need to ignore you for days on end? That's silly. It's a passive aggressive way to punish you for something.




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I-95
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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:43:40 PM
Wow. I'm usually the one posting against the 'kick him to the curb' mentality, suggesting counseling, blah, blah, blah....but this nonsense wouldn't fly with me for a split second. The silent treatment is a form of manipulation, and in the extreme form, it's abusive.

I have no patience for people who don't behave like grownups, when they're in a grown up relationship. I'd be finding a grown up to share my life with.

cyndijane
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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:54:47 PM
Just a boyfriend? I'd walk away from that relationship. The world is full of too much drama to live with someone who pulls that nonsense.
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WillowJane
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Posted: 12/25/2012 7:57:41 PM
My response:

"Either you grow up and deal with our relationship challenges as an adult or we will not have a relationship."

Life is too short to put up with that.



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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:00:05 PM
Being silent after a disagreement for a couple of hours is one thing; being silent for days on end is both controlling and manipulative.

You need to ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship where you are the only one that is invested enough to actually fight to keep it going.


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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:00:44 PM

The silent treatment is a form of manipulation, and in the extreme form, it's abusive.

That was but one of the ways my ex-husband used to manipulate me, but it was one that hurt terribly. I tried, cajoled, apologized, danced, and generally did anything I could to try to get him past it each time. His silent treatment could last for weeks though and the more I tried, the worse it got. Over time, I realized it was not about me, it was about him. And I started caring less and less so when he treated me that way again, it would not hurt as badly. Until finally I no longer cared at all.

Please carefully consider whether you want a future with this man. He may have other good qualities (my ex did), but this will not be likely to change. You deserve better and your kids do, too.








revirdsuba
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:01:35 PM
I agree with all the other. Time for you to find an adult.

lovetodigi
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:05:22 PM
I think that it is time to move on before the relationship gets any more serious. Marriage will not change him. If he treats you like that in front of his family on Christmas, why would you even want to stay with him? Sorry, he is putting you and your children through this.




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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:08:09 PM

I think you owe it to your children to model healthy relationships. This clearly is not one. Grown adults do not get to act like pouty children.


I agree.

Please don't allow this man to ruin one more special day for you or your children.


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Christine58
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:09:05 PM
Don't you all just wonder what the heck went on when she and her ex got into this fight??? I get that the silent treatment is immature etc BUT....makes me wonder what the OP said and did to her ex that caused the SO to be so mad?? Maybe he is rethinking the relationship also...maybe the OP was so out of control etc that the SO wants out??

Just a thought that we don't always get the full story. Something had to have been said or done that caused this silent treatment by the SO

or he's just a douchebag...

OOOPS...just saw that this was not the first time he did this....HMMMMM



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IleneTell
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:09:51 PM
Another thogught - if he cared more about your kids, even if he was rightfully mad at for legitimate reasons, he would put all that aside forbtheir sake, to give them a good Christmas. If he can't do that, do you really want him around them?

IleneTell
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:12:07 PM

Just a thought that we don't always get the full story. Something had to have been said or done that caused this silent treatment by the SO


I agree with you, and I had the same questions about what went on. However, even if she was wrong and he had a good reason to be mad at her, I don't think it was fair of him to allow the kids to suffer as a result as well.

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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:12:59 PM
RUN!



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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:20:46 PM
How 'heated' did the argument get with the ex? Are we talking violence, or abusive language in front of the kids or something? Just trying to understand why you getting into an argument with your ex would make your current boyfriend so upset to begin with? (or maybe he's just an immature brat like others have suggested, lol)


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petesmom
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:22:37 PM

This is NOT the first time this has happened


Perhaps it's time to make it the last, yes?

Really Red
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:28:10 PM
I can't believe anyone is worried what the fight was about. SO's reaction is ridiculous. It is a spoiled little baby's reaction. Not an adult's reaction. Let's just say OP was way out of line in her interaction with her ex. What exactly would justify the silent treatment.

OP I am sorry. I guess in the end I think you are lucky you found this out now. This is not the first time this has happened, so you know this is how he deals with issues. Do you want to keep him? Then your only choice is therapy. If he continues with this attitude, it will continually get worse and this is what your children will see is a "normal" relationship.

It doesn't matter how good SO is otherwise, this is absolutely a dealbreaker. It doesn't have to be one if he's willing to work on it, but if not, it's the end. Anyone can have crazy issues, but not be willing to try to change is not okay.

I am really sorry about your Christmas


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SabrinaM
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:36:00 PM

We went to his family Xmas dinner in silence and did not interact. He did not participate in the Xmas eve surprise for the kids which he made.

Xmas morning he watched the kids open presents but has done his own thing all day.

This is NOT the first time this has happened and I always break the silence, fix the issue but I can't believe he let his stubbornness ruin his Xmas and his part in ours.


I'd have ended it the first time this type of thing happened.

I'm sorry that you've brought this immature douchebag into your children's lives and made him such an intricate part of their childhood. Another loss that they have to sort through when you finally decide he's not the type of example of a man you want your children to aspire to.

Harsh? Yes. But I really hate to see children being drug through nonsense like this.


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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:38:03 PM
I'm also wondering what more there is to this story. Without knowing, I'm not going to give advice on how to respond.

I truly hope your kids had a good Christmas in spite of the adult drama.


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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:45:53 PM
I lived a marriage with a man who behaved like that. It was awful. It was all about pride and being right. It was about punishing me and making sure I learned my lesson.

My husband now - look, we may disagree and we had a few unpleasant hours yesterday. But we want to be happy and in love more than right, and everyone is able to see the part they played in the fight.

The way your boyfriend is treating you - Do you want to live that way for the next fifty years?

If your daughter were being treated by a boyfriend like this, would you be pleased with her relationship?



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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:48:38 PM
We are all wondering what the fight was about.because like everyone said..there are always 2 sides..AND why would the fight have soo upset him?? Like someone else said..maybe HE is the one reconsidering, and taking it to heart..and thinking long and deep.






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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:49:17 PM
He would be an ex.

A current SO has no place in a relationship with an ex.


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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:53:17 PM
When you said that you told him that you'd learned your lesson I just cringed. That sounds like a child begging her parents not to punish her. Your kids see, observe and process all of this. This is an enormous red flag and you can't put your kids through more of this. He's acting like this on Christmas. That's not even close to healthy. Nor should you put up w/it. Breaking up means that you'll be lonely, but better lonely than dealing w/this level of emotional abuse. Channel that loneliness into more bonding time w/your children. Dump the chump before you end up in a far more serious situation.


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beachgurl
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:54:23 PM
It doesn't really matter what the fight was about. Part of being an adult parent is sucking it up. You suck it up for the sake of the kids during the holiday. If you want to fight, or passively fight by not speaking, you do it alone, away from the kids, at night.

Come on, everyone knows fighting in front of the kids is not good. Not speaking in this dramatic way is his style of fighting, and he's not concerned about doing it in front of the kids.

If he were a husband, you would have fewer options. But fortunately he is not. If he wants out (as another poster suggested), let him out.




myboysnme
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Posted: 12/25/2012 8:58:25 PM
If I wasn't married to him and or didn't have kids with him he would be kicked to the curb with his pouty self.

The silent treatment has always felt so abusive to me, like I can't even be treated as a human being like I don't even exist.

If I lived in his home i'd be packing my shit. i'd rather be alone than be with someone who tries to make me feel bad about myself


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Posted: 12/25/2012 9:00:46 PM

Don't you all just wonder what the heck went on when she and her ex got into this fight??? I get that the silent treatment is immature etc BUT....makes me wonder what the OP said and did to her ex that caused the SO to be so mad?? Maybe he is rethinking the relationship also...maybe the OP was so out of control etc that the SO wants out??


yup. even if it has happened 'more than once'.

When I've had a really hurtful experience with my husband I will avoid him for some time, and not just an hour or two. Sometimes I need time (days) to calm down and wrap my head around what has happened and figure out how to deal with it. I internalize the situation and dissect it and it takes me a while to figure it out. It has nothing to do with manipulation. I've seen people who I love and who love me throw out some really awful things when they are upset or angry and I refuse to be the kind of person that does that instead of taking a step back and figuring it out. Luckily my husband understands this as he also does not work well with yelling and nastiness during a disagreement.

Maybe OP is the kind of person who responds with yelling and saying bad things (as her OP suggests she did with her EX), and her SO can't handle that so he gets inside of himself mentally and pushes her away.

stampfox
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Posted: 12/25/2012 9:07:46 PM
I would be asking him how long he had been in this relationship not including today.
His attitude is completely unacceptable for the amount of time it has been going on. This a red flag, a big red flag.
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Posted: 12/25/2012 9:17:05 PM
I was an idiot for being MARRIED to an idiot who did that to me for 13 years. And guess what? Most of the time, I didn't know WHAT it was that I did to have him give me the silent treatment for a week or two.

NOTHING I could do would make him quit the silent treatment until HE was ready to "forgive" me but I still usually didn't know what I did to make him mad. I was always sick at my stomach for years until I finally realized it was not ME, it was him. RUN!!!!!!


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Posted: 12/25/2012 9:18:01 PM
I think it really depends on the situation.

If things in the fight were Jerry-Springer-style-crazy, he might well be sitting there wondering if he's got the nuts to stick around and hope he's never on the receiving end. I know I would be. Maybe he shouldn't be as withdrawn as he is, but who knows whether that triggered some old memory of some crazy shiz he lived through as a child.

Or maybe something that happened during the argument made him realize there's still an overly-passionate emotional response by OP to her ex--and he's trying to process what that means and what he (current bf) is doing in the situation.

Or maybe he really is a manipulative jerk and he's trying to control her with all this bullcarp.

We can't know anything without having more details, so while it doesn't matter what the fight with the ex was about, some of the details of how the fight went down are actually germane to the discussion.
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Posted: 12/25/2012 9:25:19 PM
I'd be glad he's shown his true colors before anything was anymore permanent. Where does he get off interjecting into how you interact with your ex. That's really none of his concern. If you guys live together, I'd be making new arrangements. If not, I'd up the silent treatment to him by not answering his calls ever again. He has no right to act as he has in front of your children. Be happy you know how he is now.



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Posted: 12/25/2012 9:51:47 PM
How many ex-husbands do you want to have? Seriously, right now is as good as it gets. RUN!

I feel so awful for your poor children. They are the victims here.




gustergirl
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Posted: 12/25/2012 10:05:03 PM
I didn't elaborate on the fight because I didn't want to make super long. basically I was Home all day with my sick child. he took a nap late afternoon and when he woke up, I was hoping he would feel better but he xxx was worse.I approached my boyfriend and asked whether I could keep him with me. it was their dads night and my daughter could go with him. my thought was keep the cold away from everyone else plus let him rest.

my boyfriend did not like this idea but snapped about it etc and I didn't get a chance to explain. I just went into momma bear mode and made the call my son should stay with me till morning then I would run him over to his dads.

when their dad arrived, an hour late, my daughter threw a screaming fit etc and with me fighting a cold also etc, I'd said fine just stay with me as I was worn down. during her meltdown, I did yell and use some curse words in frustration at their dad. he was trying to say he would take then but at that point it was useless to attempt to send them. he was refusing to leave so that's where most of the yelling was.

The kids stayed with me and after I dropped them off at their dads, I attempted to talk to him but he was so angry about the night before that none of my words would work and at that point, I felt it was better to walk away. I bought pizza that night for dinner- tried to start conversations on Sunday and Monday with no luck.

By Monday though, I put into perspective that the holiday was WAY more important and put up a shield so I could focus on how happy I was to spend with his family and the return of my kids Xmas eve!! He didn't actively participate since they returned.

I was stunned last time this happened but now I am really confused on what to do. when we talked, he expressed frustrations and I am sure he is overwhelmed being with a divorced mother of two. I really appreciate your advice!! thanks for reading and responding- can't really call family or friends on Xmas night about this

I-95
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Posted: 12/25/2012 10:08:18 PM

We are all wondering what the fight was about.because like everyone said..there are always 2 sides..AND why would the fight have soo upset him?? Like someone else said..maybe HE is the one reconsidering, and taking it to heart..and thinking long and deep.


Y'know, even if she and her Ex had had a knock down, drag out fight, what ADULTS do is find a quiet moment and say 'Honey, WTH was that all about?' then talk it over. They do NOT spoil everyone's holiday but refusing to talk. That's dysfunctional.

TinaFB
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Posted: 12/25/2012 10:13:46 PM
A few things concern me. . .
* you said you "learned your lesson". That sounds very childish. You're a grown woman and a mother.
* You asked your boyfriend if you own sick child could stay with you. That's YOUR child. You don't need to ask him! What you needed to do was call your ex and have an adult conversation about your sick child and decide together what was best for everyone involved.
* All this yelling happened with kids in the house.
* You're allowing this boyfriend to treat you incredibly poorly. This kind of behavior all together seems very unhealthy and punitive. Again, you're not a child.

I really think you're not in the place in your life where you can handle a relationship with a guy. There's way too much drama here that is going to come out on your kids.


Tina


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Posted: 12/25/2012 10:15:31 PM
So let me get this straight. You had to ask him for permission to let your sick child stay with you and he was pissed because you overruled a decision that he had no right to make in the first place? Hes pissed because you didn't shuffle off a sick child?

Whether or not your ex could handle the sick child himself isn't an issue.. Your new man sees your children as an inconvenience and he is prepared to make them and you suffer if things don't go his way and they conflict with his plans.

The fight wasn't about what went on with your ex at all. It's because he didn't want to be inconvenienced by your children.

Run. Really.


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BucketHead

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February 2002
Posts: 881
Layouts: 0

Posted: 12/25/2012 10:17:18 PM
So, your boyfriend's mad, that you wanted to keep your sick kids an extra day, instead of send them to their Dads?
And, your boyfriends's mad that you argued with your ex-husband,about keeping the kids home an extra day?

I'd kick the selfish,asshole boyfriend to the curb.

ChildOfThe60s
Who has my six? Anyone??

PeaNut 3,009
February 2000
Posts: 16,667
Layouts: 27
Loc: the left side of the right coast

Posted: 12/25/2012 10:23:36 PM
I have read every post in this thread and agree with the 99% that say, basically, "why stay?"

You know that you were wrong to fight/curse in front of the kids, but you also understand why it happened and I think that you do understand that it's not good/shouldn't have happened/shouldn't happen again.

It is not his job to punish you or WHATEVER THE HELL his mindset is that would cause this continued childish behavior.

I once read that people only ask advice about things that they know the answer to but don't want to admit to themselves. I'm not sure that that's always true, but in this case I believe that you know that you don't want to be in a long-term or permanent situation with this behavior. Whether or not HE chooses not to engage in it again isn't for me to know - but I'll bet that you've got a pretty good idea.



Blessings,
{Melissa}




~*Trollie*~
My virtue has been restored! =)

PeaNut 272,896
August 2006
Posts: 21,612
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Loc: ::shrug::

Posted: 12/25/2012 10:32:57 PM
Deal breaker. I'd be done with your boyfriend.


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*KAS*
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 408,684
January 2009
Posts: 7,425
Layouts: 0
Loc: Georgia girl

Posted: 12/25/2012 11:37:18 PM
Thanks for the update. From there, it sounds like BF is right. He's not pissed that you argued with your ex. He's pissed that you kept your kids with you & giving up your 'free' weekend.

And the silence over Christmas sounds like he's just resentful at this point.

Can't think of a good reason to continue to be in a relationship with him - you & your kids are a package deal.


***********************
KELLI



Had to delete my old account, but I've been here since July 2006!
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smcl
PeaAddict

PeaNut 526,836
November 2011
Posts: 1,088
Layouts: 0
Loc: Beautiful HB, Southern CA

Posted: 12/26/2012 12:03:28 AM
Life is too short to waste a Christmas! Adults know that.


~Susan






PierKiss
What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists

PeaNut 82,319
April 2003
Posts: 15,019
Layouts: 39

Posted: 12/26/2012 12:20:45 AM
You asked your boyfriend for permission to keep your son while he was sick, or we're you asking if you could keep him with regards to the custody agreement you have with your ex-like asking for advice?

Either way, grow ups do not do the silent treatment for this long. Particularly during holidays and when it involves things with kids. I would be walking away from this relationship, as it is not likely to get better. Just much worse and probably more frequent.

I would also think long and hard before I jumped into another relationship, and even harder about when I introduce my kids to that person.


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