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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
Layouts: 0
|  Posted: 2/17/2013 1:47:56 AM
She's gone missing, maybe?  I tried calling, and the phone service was disconnected. I went to her house but she wasn't there. Her doctor's office called me last night asking if I had spoken with her because she had an appointment with them on Thursday and they haven't seen her. I've called the only other person she has contact with (8 hours distance away) and they aren't answering or returning my calls.
I swear. I just don't know what to do anymore. | |
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Pretty In PeaNK
PeaFixture
PeaNut 417,489
March 2009
Posts: 3,985
Layouts: 2
 | Posted: 2/17/2013 6:23:09 AM
Maybe she was arrested? Did you call the police? |
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pelirroja
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 21,146
September 2001
Posts: 2,985
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right Here, Right Now
 | Posted: 2/17/2013 7:33:50 AM
She could be arrested, hospitalized, or in rehab. Wherever she is, you have to learn how to let go of parenting her. Let the consequences happen (if that's what's going on) and let her learn her lessons of her behavior. Stop tracking her and find something else to shift your attention to.
AlAnon or NarcAnon can help a lot. You've been in charge of managing her life for so long it's hard to let it go. But that is exactly what you need to learn how to do. And it IS a learning experience: it won't be easy and it won't come naturally.
Take it easy on yourself, get busy with your own life instead of vicariously living thru hers, and find yourself a meeting and a sponsor you can call when you feel like checking up on your Mom or stepping in to save her from something.
The best piece of advice I ever got from my sponsor was short and sweet:
Do not prevent or create a crisis.
It meant that I was no longer to do any rescuing or rearranging (preventing a crisis) and I was not to replace that behavior with drama and conflict (creating a crisis). It has been several decades since I got that advice and it has served me well, whether I use it in regards to parenting, employment, marriage or friendship. Doing nothing is very difficult when you've been trained to do everything. Enabling behaviors can be unlearned, I promise.
Find a meeting and muster up the courage to walk thru the door and speak all the things you have wanted to say aloud. Those surrounding you have BTDT and will still be there when you are done speaking and they will help lift you up as you rebuild your life without being sucked into the neverending drama.
I wish you well: you deserve better. ((hugs)) Whatever is going on in your Mom's life, perhaps she is experiencing rock bottom. The end of an addiction doesn't necessarily mean an end to the drama. Even if sobriety for your Mom is near, the drama will continue in some way, shape or form. Chaotic behavior can be as addicting as a drug. |
Pelly
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angela1422
Trying to find Narnia
PeaNut 312,012
April 2007
Posts: 8,910
Layouts: 9
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 635
 | Posted: 2/17/2013 8:46:21 AM
I just don't know what to do anymore.
There's nothing to be done. She will come back into your life when she's ready. Or she won't. Her choices and life are not within your control. |
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WingNut
Best Cat Evahhh!
PeaNut 18,741
July 2001
Posts: 13,092
Layouts: 200
Loc: Maryland
| Posted: 2/17/2013 10:41:41 AM
I get it. My mother is the same...years of addiction to meds prescribed by her doctors. She would doctor hop whenever one got tired of her "games". In 2006 I finally walked away from her completely.
Even before that, she was never allowed to watch or keep our kids alone with the exception of when I was on bed rest and subsequently delivered our son in 1998. She had a 6 month window of "normal" where she seemed to be off the drugs and actually the kind of mother/grandmother one would hope for. Unfortunately, it only lasted those short 6 months and all went down hill again. She hasn't even seen my kids since 2005 or 2004.
You are right to not allow her to spend time alone with your kids. Period. I finally decided that any contact was harmful to my children and me. It's so hard and painful but I have to protect my kids to best of my ability, simply put.
{{{ hugs }}} |
Joy
"And a Christian who constantly complains, fails to be a good Christian: they become Mr. or Mrs. Whiner, no?" - Pope Francis"
Into the Thicklebit- My new favorite blog/webcomic!
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KristenFNJ
PeaAddict
PeaNut 272,058
August 2006
Posts: 1,252
Layouts: 0
Loc: New Jersey
| Posted: 2/17/2013 12:15:34 PM
{{{hugs}}} I hope you're able to track her down somehow and find out she's okay. For as much as her avoiding you is probably relatiatory and intended to punish you for "calling her out," I totally get the worry and fear. You don't deserve that.
I completely understand the suggestions of deflecting the real issue and making it about injury or pain threshold-preserving a relationship and someone's feelings is an honorable and selfless course. However, I think that is also completely enabling her addictive behavior-if you "legitimize" her addictive behavior for her, then she has no reason to even attempt the long road to self-discovery and admission of her problem. You might still get to see her, but I doubt very few minutes spent with her would not be totally overshadowed by your knowledge of her addiction, and her health would continue to deteriorate. They call it "tough love" for a reason, and not just because its tough on the recipient.
ITA with the extraordinarily brave PP who shared that the exit of the most important person in her life opened her eyes. I truly hope that is what's happening with your mom-that she's finally realizing what's at stake for her.
Also, it's no small undertaking that YOU are breaking the cycle of addiction in your family. Clearly your children's immediate safety is the most important factor here. But the effects of your actions are much more far-reaching than that. You are teaching them a kind of strength that evaded previous generations in your family, and modeling actions that would help them cope with or even avoid codependent relationships in their lives. This is not just good for them today, it will effect all of their relationships going forward, and those of your future grandchildren as well. You're breaking the cycle. For as difficult and stressful as this is for you, it's also pretty amazing. You should be really proud of yourself for doing the harder thing, because it was the right thing. | |
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happeawife
PeaAddict
PeaNut 107,627
September 2003
Posts: 1,335
Layouts: 1
Loc: the looney bin!
 | Posted: 2/17/2013 1:55:17 PM
When my son was an infant my parents would pick my son up from daycare a couple of times a week. My sister lived with them at the time and had a serious drug problem. I told my parents that under no circumstances is she to be left alone with him and if they could not a bid by this rule they would not be able to pick him up from daycare. I also made it very clear she was not to be the one to pick him up. If there was an emergency call me and I would come. It was hard but I knew she was not stable enough to watch him.
She never did watch him and I have told her why. She is clean and sober now. She still has issues, but nothing that I feel is putting my child at risk if they are with her. She has a job, a boyfriend and a child of her own. At the time there wasn't enough money in the world for me to leave my child with her. |
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3kidmama
AncestralPea
PeaNut 268,201
July 2006
Posts: 4,926
Layouts: 8
Loc: Northwoods
| Posted: 2/17/2013 2:19:54 PM
(((((((((OP))))))))) | |
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beachgurl
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 288,459
December 2006
Posts: 5,617
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/17/2013 2:34:59 PM
I must be the only one thinking that she likely has NOT had her phone disconnected just to manipulate you. |
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*Scrapper*
Al Gore for HOF
PeaNut 8,339
December 2000
Posts: 10,619
Layouts: 67
Loc: Texas
 | Posted: 2/17/2013 6:14:39 PM
Regarding the update:
Have you contacted the police in her area? The fact that her phone is disconnected, you haven't heard from her, you can't get a hold of anyone who knows her, and she's missed a doctor's appointment, should be enough to get the police to make a wellness check.
Regarding your original question:
I'm not sure why she needs to "watch" the children. Why can't you just visit her with your children so that you have the ability to supervise? There's no need for her to be alone with your kids unless you specifically asked for her to watch them, kwim? At least, that's how it works in our family. Our kids see their grandparents when we're all together as a family. When they were little I'd ask them to watch the kids and they were happy to do it, but I can't recall a time when they were all, "Hey, we want to take your kids." Maybe some families do that, but it's always worked out the way we do it and everyone seems happy. A simple, "Mom we'll let you know when we need you to watch the kids," might be all you need to say.
I hope your mom is OK and that you're able to come to an understanding with her regarding the kids. |
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worriedparentnchild
PeaNut
PeaNut 577,742
January 2013
Posts: 14
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/20/2013 12:48:50 AM
Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories and kind words here. I am so sad that so many other people have to deal with parents like this.
Angela, your words make so much sense to me. I am really starting to feel what you explained.
Through multiple phone calls to everyone who may have seen her, I found out where she is this morning. At least I know she's not missing somewhere.
I left several messages at the place where she is staying over the weekend and again today just saying I was very worried and asking for someone to call me and tell me if she was there and ok. She never answered the phone and still won't call me back.
I think in a way that this was good in the end. I see what she's really doing and how easy it is for her to walk away from me for her own selfish reasons. It will be hard to lose her, and as Angela said the idea of a mom. Luckily (I guess?) I've gone through this with my father at a very early age so if I could do that, then I can do this.
Thanks again and big hugs back to all of you! | |
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Deigh PEA
G'ma to four adorable grandkids!
PeaNut 124,219
January 2004
Posts: 7,271
Layouts: 0
Loc: Louisiana
| Posted: 2/20/2013 8:41:59 PM
{{{{HUGS}}}} Sorry you are having to deal with this. 
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Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Facebook is like jail. You sit around all day wasting time, writing on walls and if your not careful you'll get poked.
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