Is your life better or worse after your divorce?

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Posted 1/25/2013 by icedpea in NSBR Board
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PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:25:22 PM
The thread about how do you know it's time to get a divorce, spurred this question. I had a pretty terrible marriage the first time, but still wish I had not left. No matter how bad it was, there were good things that I miss. Nothing can compare to how I hate my life now. I know it would have been better had I stayed. I just couldn't see that at the time.

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PeaNut 43,843
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:28:50 PM
Sounds like you might have revionist history, romanticizing the past, forgetting about your feelings when things were bad. You have to learn to adjust your attitude about being alone.


PeaNut 577,311
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:35:21 PM
With two divorces under my belt I feel a bit like a serial divorcee. And lots of the time that makes me feel like a loser.

After my first divorce, I can honestly say that my life got better. Now? Notsomuch. I struggle. a. lot. Financially it's a horrible strain. I miss m ex husband terribly some days. Other days I get through them without feeling sadness.

Wow. that was way more than I thought I'd say

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PeaNut 52,841
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:37:48 PM
I have not been divorced but I know many who have. Many had a hard time in the beginning but ultimately, I only know of one person who realizes they made a huge mistake. In her case, she was just a miserable person all around. She liked to blame her being miserable on her husband. After the divorce, she had to come to terms with the fact that she was still the same miserable person and now he wanted her no where near because he realized how much better his life was without her in it. I don't think he ever would have left her on his own.

Most others were much happier once they were able to settle in to their new life without their spouse. The settling in time was rough for some.

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PeaNut 88,246
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:38:43 PM
Happier now. Not really that unhappy married. It was his revelation that he wasn't happy that started us toward divorce.

After I knew he wasn't happy, it was a bummer. But until I knew, I was chugging along, in the "mildly to greatly annoyed zone" that so many married women seem to reside in.

Why are you unhappy, OP?

--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.


PeaNut 33,625
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:40:17 PM
Financially I really struggled the first few years. But I was also a high school drop out that had to start over in my 20's and in fast food.

I went back to school, got my diploma, some college credits and became self supporting.

Emotionally it wasn't a struggle, my xdh was an alcoholic.

25 yrs later I'm more than me or my family thought I would ever be

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PeaNut 519,300
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:40:26 PM
The only thing I miss, is the kids not seeing their dad everyday and not having all the blame and everything put on me. Me having to be the disciplinarian all the time. It gets exhausting. I am remarried but still feel I am kinda alone in the parenting department.

Doesn't help that ex is an asshat that really doesn't discipline either, but he did when we were married.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

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PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:41:32 PM
Annabella- I'm sure that is true to some degree. Part of my sadness, is for the kids. He wasn't bad to them, just me.

Fishwitch- I hope it gets better for you too.


PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:44:40 PM
Kinley-pea that's how I feel too!

Sharla- I'm unhappy because I think I'm a good wife, just never married the right person. It would have been better in retrospect to be unhappy and not feel like a failure.

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PeaNut 169,054
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:49:11 PM
Both in a way.

I miss the life I thought I had before I found out he was a serial cheater (with more than one at a time)

I do not miss the constant stress of wondering where he was or who he was texting or who he was talking to.




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PeaNut 88,246
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:50:24 PM
Yeah, I certainly view my divorce as a big old failure. I remember losing that part of my identity where I (sort of smugly) carried that "I'm successfully married" status around.

You know, I was a decent, pleasant person. I wasn't an irrational, shrewish wife. I wasn't the wife that he wanted, though. I wasn't a bad person. I just wasn't the wife that he wanted.

It's taken me a while to sort through that realization. In some ways I still am.

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PeaNut 434,276
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:55:36 PM
Well, I would say both in different ways but I don't think most of it has anything to do with my divorce.

I do have to say that I enjoy being single and doing whatever I want with my kids. I also have to say that my ex and I get along so much better now which is great for the kids and we have gotten to a place where I think we are better friends than we were before.

Yes, it is hard in some ways, especially on occasion money wise and what am I going to do when I;m older scenarios.

Overall, I feel comfortable with my life right now.

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PeaNut 215,755
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:56:03 PM
I live in a smaller home and drive a smaller car..... But I am happier without my ex-DH. We fought a lot-argued constantly. It was bad for us and even worse for my kids.
Now-we are friends and co-parent well together.

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PeaNut 38,100
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Posted: 1/25/2013 3:58:16 PM
Oh better, absolutely.

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PeaNut 260,865
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Posted: 1/25/2013 4:17:48 PM
I am much happier now. I can't imagine what my life would be if I were still married to him. it was really scary and really hard especially at first but I've done things I never would have thought possible while I was married.

my income more than quadrupled and I have a job at a company that many folks would consider a dream to work at. I hate what the divorce did to my kids but I cant even what the outcome for them would have been if we stayed married


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PeaNut 409,644
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Posted: 1/25/2013 4:22:30 PM
10000000000x better.

Really, I am so much happier now. Ive never looked back, been 8 years now.

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PeaNut 29,130
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Posted: 1/25/2013 4:26:07 PM
I was married for 10 years, happily divorced for 14 years and just remarried.

I was far happier alone than I was with my ex-husband. There were some really hard times and raising two kids virtually alone sucked, a lot, but we came through it pretty well. My ex is still a miserable man. I've made a great life for myself with a man who loves me more than I imagined a man would ever love me.


PeaNut 555,986
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Posted: 1/25/2013 4:33:22 PM
A million times better. I was married to a narcissistic gay man and didn't find out until 2 kids later. My parents rescued us and I haven't looked back. I don't miss the emotional abuse and having zero self-esteem. I remarried and I am happy.


PeaNut 508,803
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Posted: 1/25/2013 4:40:36 PM
I can not relate, although I've read many articles saying that it's much healthier to be in a stress free environment than to be in a difficult relationship. It will definitely be hard at first, but hang in there and everything will work out.

Young Country Pea

PeaNut 203,705
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Posted: 1/25/2013 4:42:07 PM
A little of both I guess. Mine is still raw and fresh so ask me in a year. Sometimes I love the freedom and not having to deal with my ex DH's extreme jealousy.. actually I still do, I just choose to ignore the fact that he still tries to control me and is still jealous. I don't miss his family in the slightest, I don't miss quite a bit. But some days the loneliness is overwhelming, take your breath away overwhelming. I still haven't figured out if that is the loneliness from not having him, or missing the ex BFF, or a mixture of both.

I'm working really hard to get past all of that right now but at times it seems next to impossible when it still plays in my head day after day. I would love one day when it isn't on my mind constantly. Just one.

Today I was in the car and a Darius Rucker song came on "It won't be like this for long"... I just kept having to repeat in my head that it's true.. it won't be like this for long. It's the only thing that gets me through some days.



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PeaNut 79,113
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Posted: 1/25/2013 4:59:48 PM
Both. Emotionally I'm better, financially I'm worse.

The financial thing can be very, very stressful but I have to say, I'd take that stress any day over the stress I had being married to my ex. It is so much different feeling lonely when you're actually alone than feeling lonely when you're with someone. And honestly, I'm not all that lonely. Every once in a while I get down but it passes. Some day maybe I'll date again but so far I haven't.

I never thought I'd have kids or get married. I figured I'd have a companion but never marry. Now I've been married, divorced and have a child who's almost 18. I don't feel like a failure regarding my divorce-- I gave everything I could and then some. But one person can't do everything.

I'm sorry you hate your life-- sometimes that's an overwhelming feeling, I know. But only you can change that, even if it's only in small ways. And sometimes the small things add up to big things and before you know it life is pretty good.



PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 1/25/2013 6:43:28 PM
Micki- strangely, I thought about your story when I typed that question. I hope that it gets better for you. You certainly didn't deserve what they did to you! You look beautiful and if he is stil jealous, he still cares for you. It was his loss!


PeaNut 393,905
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Posted: 1/25/2013 6:49:37 PM

hands down.

without a doubt.

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PeaNut 181,836
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Posted: 1/25/2013 6:55:33 PM
I am happier now, but it sure would be nice to have someone to lean on when I'm stressed; I hate having to carry the load alone. My only regret is what my divorce did to my dd. I wonder how different she would be had I stayed married.

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PeaNut 69,964
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Posted: 1/25/2013 6:57:37 PM
So so so much better, but it's been a long time since I got divorced (2001) and i've watched him continue the exact same behaviors over the years. I'm in a much much better place personally and financially than i'd ever be with him.

I have more regret over ever marrying him than I do ending it. Pretty sad.

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PeaNut 24,951
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Posted: 1/25/2013 6:59:24 PM
So much better I cannot even begin to describe. I am happy ALL THE TIME.


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PeaNut 29,331
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Posted: 1/25/2013 7:07:18 PM
So much better.

I was happily married for most of 26 years. Obviously the XH was not happy, he cheated and divorced me. I was almost destroyed. It took me at least a year just to recover emotionally. Now, looking back, I see things that I either completely ignored or was unaware of for so long. I can see things were different than I realized then, things that I probably knew at the time but didn't want to acknowledge. It took some distance to be able to do that.

Would I go back if I could? No, not for anything. I do feel bad for my sons that their family as they knew it will never be again but that is all I feel bad about. I treated him well, I supported him, financially, medically, physically and mentally. He chose to walk away and quite seriously I would send him a thank you card if I thought he would not be offended by it.

Do I miss having a constant male present in my life? Sometimes but most days, not really. I am loving life and doing things I never thought I would. It got better, oh so much better. It is one of those things we say to women going through it, that it will get better but it is so difficult to see when you are on that road.

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PeaNut 43,325
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Posted: 1/25/2013 7:21:14 PM
I miss the extra money, 3 a.m. pillow talk and the activies we used to do together.
I don't miss all the lies, cheating, and stealing of my heart's affection. I now have a college degree. I make more money then we made together. So yes, I'm glad he's gone. No more hang up calls, no more wondering where he is. I can rest and sleep in peace.


PeaNut 518,644
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Posted: 1/25/2013 7:34:52 PM
better. way better. but on the flip side is it's tougher to raise the kids alone.

** Mom to two sweet boys **

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PeaNut 78,065
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Posted: 1/25/2013 7:42:22 PM
Better. Harder. But better.



PeaNut 307,675
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Posted: 1/25/2013 7:46:23 PM
My mom married & divorced 3 times.

Each time she picked a more stable loving father.

I totally understand the first 2 divorces that were due to issues/physical abuse.

The last one - I don't. He treated her well. She was never happy. She found fault with everything. She left him. That was 15 years ago & she is not happy. It didn't turn out the way she planned.


PeaNut 412,905
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Posted: 1/25/2013 8:23:40 PM
My life is MUCH better since I got rid of him. Financially it's harder (although I manage), but the peace of mind and happiness I have now that he's out of my life is well worth the things I now miss out on.

After a 10 year seperation, we got divorced 18 months ago. The only part of the split I'm sorry about is that I didn't divorce him straight away, instead of waiting all those years.

I certainly view my divorce as a big old failure.
I'm sorry you feel that way, and I hope that changes for you one day. I'm the opposite - I view my marriage as the failure, hence the divorce which I see as a win for me.

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PeaNut 82,656
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Posted: 1/25/2013 8:29:05 PM
Both. I miss my son, who stayed with his father. We talk and I see him when I can, but that's something that will always make me a little sad. I miss my old job - being able to work part time and enjoy my disposable income. I don't miss him, at all. In fact I rarely think about him I guess what I miss is aspects of that lifestyle. I miss my church.

Financially I am doing well. I have the best paying job of my life (although the long, irregular hours make it hard to enjoy my time off, because I am very tired).

There are still things that are unresolved in my life, but bit by bit as the pieces all come together I am feeling more contentment. I love my new DH so much, it makes every day end well, just being able to crawl into bed - because he is there.

Not all those who wander are lost. ~J.R.R. Tolkien

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PeaNut 274,929
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Posted: 1/25/2013 8:40:13 PM
There were no kids involved in my first marriage. That was part of the problem! I walked away with nothing. A few pieces of furniture and $50.00 out of our joint account. I got screwed and I was okay with that. When i was done I knew I had tried everything I knew to do.

I have been married now almost 13 years and two kids later I never dreamed it could be this good. We have our share of problems I promise. I just finally found the person who could be with me during all the ups and downs. Before it was never a team just me being the scapegoat! I left with no expectations just wanted a better life and a wonderful life was waiting for me.

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PeaNut 43,843
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Posted: 1/25/2013 8:59:01 PM

With two divorces under my belt I feel a bit like a serial divorcee. And lots of the time that makes me feel like a loser.

My boss is turning 60 and jokes about how lonely she is. She has a son but has never been married. So you can think of yourself lucky to have had two men that loved you enough to marry you, doesn't matter how it ended.


PeaNut 124,944
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Posted: 1/25/2013 9:33:21 PM
I hate my life now that I been divorced. I am doing things that I thought were not part of my life when married. In a year I lost 30 lbs and exercising which is great for me, and eating the best I can, but it doesn't make me feel any better in the long run, I feel great physically the weight is off and continuing to drop more weight as I can and do exercise. The bad part is I miss my DS who's with his dad most of the time; I wonder how he'd turn out if we stayed together. I know I'll see my DS soon and things will eventually pan out, and other things. Just harder not so much financially even though yes its a strain I wish my Ex hubby back but that will never happen.I was happy and motioning along and he wasn't happy at all. Like one poster, he was depressed and would say he'd kill himself ect, put me through a lot of emotional stress of worry if he would.. I cant say if it was manipulative or not, but that's how he was with me.. It doesn't mean he's like that with his new wife or what not. I am dating but its a long road, I do not want marriage again ever. I find it hard to want to even love someone truly, as I had my ex-DH. I guess give another year I'll see things differently than I do now.. Its only been close to a year since the divorce finalized. *sighs*

Divorced *hates it but no choice given*
DS is 8yrs old and in 2nd grade doing well...

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PeaNut 202,096
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Posted: 1/25/2013 9:58:56 PM
Hugs to all of you who are suffering.

Countrypeagirl - your post brought tears to me eyes. The song is right - it won't be like this for long. That song has gotten me through some tough times, too. I wish you peace. I wish everyone one of you who is hurting peace.

ETA: Reading throw the thread again I realize there are a lot who are happy and better off after. Good for you!

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PeaNut 33,785
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Posted: 1/26/2013 6:16:41 AM
Even before my divorce was final I was happier. There were definitely things that I struggled with but in general I was better off.

Then I met the man I'm married to now and am even happier than before. I just wish I had met DH before I married the first time. We're celebrating our 15th anniversary in April and I'm still sappy in love with the dude!

Sara B

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PeaNut 249,087
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Posted: 1/26/2013 7:27:41 AM
The first few years after my divorce, I was convinced we made a mistake and kept pushing for us to be together again. It took several false starts and many lies before I realized what kind of man ex was to me.

Once I realized that, I walked away and now I'm happier, life is better, dh came into my life at the right time. I still struggle with depression at times but otherwise life is better. Just took me about 5 years to realize that I'm better off without the ex.


PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 1/26/2013 5:16:51 PM
It seems like there are more better than worse stories. That gives me hope. I just hate failing.

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PeaNut 104,551
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Posted: 1/26/2013 5:54:09 PM
I'm remarried, and the happiest I've ever been in my life at this point.

When I divorced it took a good year for me to really be happy most of the time again. I was so used to doing something with someone else that it was a new experience being alone. I learned that I really liked alone time, shopping alone, eating alone, etc. Things were harder for sure, and scary, but to the core I was a happier person.

I still get people at least 3-4 times a year telling me how much happier I seem now than back then.

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Is it time for you to date? You sound lonely.


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PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 1/26/2013 7:30:56 PM
No, I am married again. Unfortunately, you don't have to be alone to be lonely.


PeaNut 387,904
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Posted: 1/26/2013 8:05:17 PM
My life is so much better now. Being a single parent is hard. But, as the years pass you find a new rhythm to your life. My first marriage was to a constant cheater and lier. No way, did I want my child brought up in that kind of environment. I have been remarried now for 25 yrs. Life is good, very good.

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PeaNut 497,090
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Posted: 1/26/2013 9:54:58 PM
My husband's life was much better after his divorce, since he didn't have to be afraid that he was going to be stab to death during the night or if he was going find that she comitted suicide.

Near the end he was always forcing her to take her meds (she was beyond lithium I think that she was taking haldol (according to his parents.

He doesn't talk about it much ( I got most of the story from his parents). It was reallly a bad time made worse becasue he was 18 when they got married, and she was 24 with a history of going in and out of mental institutions (that he didn't know about until after they were married)


PeaNut 213,289
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Posted: 1/26/2013 10:15:01 PM
I am so, so much happier now. My ex was abusive. When I left, I promised myself even when it's hard, I would have no regrets. I know for me remembering why I left wasn't just a reminder, but to face what happened and deal with it.
Honestly, if you told me when I left I would be happy, I would have never believed you. I had PTSD and continue to see a therapist. The material things I lost can not compare to the muscles I feel in my face when I smile. Healing myself is the hardest thing I've had to do...I think that's the case for many people.
My ex remarried quickly after I left. His wife is expecting. Finding this out made me feel helpless all over again - like I wish I could have warned her, I hope he doesn't abuse his spouse, etc. This has just reminded me that 'stuff' will still come up that I have to deal with and it sucks. Avoiding issues or burying it doesn't make them go away. I think it's good to question and examine what happened and move forward with what you have learned about yourself.


PeaNut 185,354
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Posted: 1/27/2013 10:09:22 AM
I'm sorry you feel that way I miss some things about my but I am in a much better place financially, emotionally, and being the mother I want to be. There are definite challenges but nothing compared to the stress of lies, emotional abuse, manipulation.

It takes more than a year in my opinion to find "your own" after a divorce and paving a new path. Hugs!

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PeaNut 22,352
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Posted: 1/27/2013 12:43:52 PM
Another woman who finds life both better and worse.

ExH was a narcissist and a cheater who was abusive at the end, so there is NO way I'd go back, but it's extremely difficult to make things work for my kids.

I don't make very much money and have sole responsibility for the kids. The ex hasn't worked (by choice) in 18 months so he can be a rock star playboy erotic writer. I'm hanging on by my fingernails trying to keep life an an even keel for my kids. I have no family to turn to, everyone's gone, so I feel pretty alone.

That being said, for as hard as things are, my kids thank me all the time for getting us out of that stressful life, but I do miss the illusion of security I had when I was married.



PeaNut 175,021
October 2004
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Loc: FL

Posted: 1/27/2013 12:58:47 PM
I dreamed about this discussion all night last night. I'm not divorced, but after 27 years of marriage and the loss of our son (which I blame DH for) I am living day by day.

I have a really low give a sh!t factor and could go days without talking to him and be just fine. He has a drinking problem that used to really upset me but I just don't care anymore.

I am probably a good candidate for divorce but I'm too lazy and it would put a kink in my style of living. Also our two daughters are still at home and they've been through enough already. Will stay for now. Probably forever but I really don't care anymore. I get nothing from the relationship.


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PeaNut 248,246
February 2006
Posts: 209
Layouts: 0

Posted: 1/27/2013 2:28:19 PM
Cindy Tred- Your post really touched me. You sound numbed by grief and depression. I know that numbness. You can live a better life. Please find some help tor yourself. Your daughters deserve their mom. I am sorry for your loss of your son. Losing a child is something you never get over.You are strong enough to learn to live again. Your children will notice and thank you for it one day. BIG HUGS YO YOU.

Full of faith pea

PeaNut 79,417
April 2003
Posts: 10,977
Layouts: 57
Loc: Phoenix area

Posted: 1/27/2013 4:22:26 PM
CindyTred, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. <<<<<Hugs!>>>>>

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