Is your life better or worse after your divorce?

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Posted 1/25/2013 by icedpea in NSBR Board
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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 35,782
April 2002
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Posted: 1/27/2013 5:03:46 PM
My divorce was 19 years ago after a 7 year marriage to an abusive cheater. I felt 100% better when I left him, took my 4 year son and sent him separation papers. I was very lucky. I had my parents to help me and I got therapy immediately. I knew I was doing the right thing (thanks to the therapy) and as each day passed I felt happier and happier.

I did feel horribly bad for my son but I knew logically it was better for him too not to grow up in a household of abuse. I didn't miss my ex nor did I feel lonely for him because of the horrible abuse he put me through. I was ecstatic to be able to walk around without worrying about setting him off on a rage, and to make my own decisions and so on.

I've been remarried for 17 years to the kindest, most gentle man I've ever met. We get along extremely well and I credit that too to the therapy. It taught me how to not pick the same type of man (an abuser) in the future and what to look for instead. We met when I wasn't looking and have so much in common. It's a very happy marriage and 100% the opposite of what my marriage to my ex was.

Debbie in MD.

Just spastic enough to be charming

PeaNut 284,875
November 2006
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Loc: There's a light on in Chicago and I know I should be home

Posted: 1/27/2013 5:03:57 PM
Way better! It was partially my fault since I married young and married a man who was looking more for a mother than a lover. I tried to change him, I tried to make up chore charts, I tried to initiate, I tried to get him to exericse etc.... it never worked. But my parents have been married for almost 40 years and I felt like divorce was never an option. Honestly, if he hadn't said he didn't want kids, didn't want to stay married and bailed, I may have never left. I only found out about the affair later but it was honestly one of the best things that man ever did for me.

I have to admit, it definitely didn't SEEM better at first - I left Alabama, moved back to Chicagoland to live with my parents, went from having a combined salary of 70k a year to making $7.00 an hour at a telemarketing job, I was driving the POS Ford Escort he left me. But slowly things seemed to come together - I joined a biking club, got a better job, went camping on my own, bought and paid off a new (used) car, traveled to San Diego for Comic-Con International, went back to school, lost 75lbs and, eventually, started dating. I met my fiance on OKCupid in December of 2011, he proposed in August and we'll be married on Sweetest Day this year!


Toto "Polar Bear" 1996-2008

"Everybody is born so that they can learn how to live a good life and love others - dogs already know how to do that so they don't have to stay as long" - Unknown


PeaNut 522,402
October 2011
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Posted: 1/28/2013 9:49:57 AM
After my divorce from my first DH, in the short term, my life was worse. I was a single mom to two very small children, never got a dime of child support, and was extremely depressed for multiple reasons. I didn't miss him, the person, as much as I missed having a partner in life.

But had I not gone through that, I never would have met my current DH, and probably wouldn't have appreciated him as much as I do. I look back on that marriage and wonder why I thought that was the best I deserved, and why I fought for that marriage for as long as I did. My DH is amazing, and is worth every stupid tear I cried over old what's-his-name.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
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Posted: 1/28/2013 10:25:34 AM
This thread gives me such hope for the future !

It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
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Loc: Greater London

Posted: 1/28/2013 10:31:18 AM
I watched an episode of Dr Phil last week, where he said you have to 'earn' your way out of a marriage. Only after you have tried everything are you entitled to divorce and be happy. I think there is a lot of truth in that. I know I have tried everything, but having a partner who is an habitual liar feels like you are trying to hit a moving target. I am desperate to be divorced now. Desperate .

It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.


PeaNut 568,351
October 2012
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Posted: 1/28/2013 10:31:57 AM
Icedpea, I'm sorry you're not happier. I think there are times when we all doubt our decisions. I know for me, I have moments where I feel bad for my kids. I'm happier but their lifestyle financially has changed and I sometimes feel guilt about that and I know it is still hard for them to not see their dad everyday and I do feel bad for them for that. But outside of the them, I feel better. I'm 80 lbs lighter than when I was married to him. I exercise regularly and take care of myself. Mentally, I'm in a much better place. He was so negative, always dragging me down. He was miserable. I don't miss him from a parenting standpoint because he didn't really parent at all. And I have a great boyfriend now that treats me so much better, is so loving, and supportive.

If I had it to do over, I may have waited until my kids were grown. It has been hard on them, harder than I thought it would be. But I have no regrets that I left the marriage without trying everything I could to save it. I did that and I don't miss him.

Cindy, I am sorry for your loss.


PeaNut 101,035
August 2003
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Loc: Fort Worth,TX

Posted: 1/28/2013 11:35:50 AM
Mostly it's better. I am lonely. But really, I was lonely in my marriage. I think it's better to at least be alone and lonely. I don't miss my ex. But I do miss having a person.

I have more control over my life now. Because we have kids, I still have to deal with him, but I don't worry about my bank account being negative or whether or not my car is going to get repossessed anymore.

It's a struggle basically raising the kids on my own. But after almost 3 years, the kids and I are doing pretty well. They're getting older now and a little easier to handle in many ways.

So really, overall it's better. I have bad days. I have days where I just sit in my chair and cry still. But not so much over missing him - just more about not having someone to lean on and help out.

At this point, I wish I could meet someone in many ways but then again, I think I still have a lot of soul-searching and forgiving to do before I am ready for that....



PeaNut 18,334
July 2001
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Loc: State of cultural confusion. Yeehaw and Aloha have collided!

Posted: 1/28/2013 11:42:16 AM
In many ways it is better. No more fear of his moods. No more sudden odd controlling behavior out of left field. I can have a pbj sandwich and call it dinner without any fuss.

In some ways it is.... not worse.. but difficult. It is hard to be my sole support. If I can't work I don't have a second income to hold me over until I find work. It is sometimes hard to not have someone around to share the chore load (I"ll do the inside cleaning while he takes care of the vehicles type of thing... I get it ALL) I worry about the future and being alone.

I miss parts of me I've lost. I've lost my naiviete (however you spell it) I've lost the sense of romance and love. I don't think the scars on my soul will ever let that part come back again.

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