7yr estrangement from DD ..... not sure I can do it anymore.......even thou
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 1/28/2013 by Lozi in NSBR Board
 

Lozi
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Posted: 1/28/2013 4:40:01 PM
My DD is 22ys tomorrow, her birthday

I am struggling, again.

I have continued over the years to buy her gifts, send her gifts, send cards and texts etc, without any response or thanks.

I don't know if I can do it anymore!!

Part of me wishes to stop, cut all ties but I know the mother in me will just keep on ...

I am the adult and I will take the higher ground ... but for how long?

PVM please


Love Life

MikeWozowski
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Posted: 1/28/2013 4:45:36 PM
just cut it back to a card, if that.

froggy one
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Posted: 1/28/2013 4:46:46 PM
I know, once a mom always a mom. But I am not a doormat. Why not do something a little special for or with someone else. She obviously doesn't appreciate you. Sending hugs!


Karen

BelleMagic
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Posted: 1/28/2013 4:47:38 PM
I am sorry you are hurting.... I do not know the reason for your estrangement but as a daughter that has chosen to not have a relationship with my father I can tell you that I have no hard feelings toward him and still wish him a happy life. I just can not have him be a part of mine.


I am the adult and I will take the higher ground


She is also an adult.....Hopefully someday the two of you can find some common ground. (((hugs)))

gar
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Posted: 1/28/2013 4:49:45 PM

I am the adult and I will take the higher ground
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



She is also adult.....Hopefully someday the two of you can find some common ground. (((hugs)))


That was my thought. Perhaps it is best to cut back on your trying to contact her. Send a card, you won't stop caring and loving but it might help you to move forward a little more. ((hugs))



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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:01:32 PM

She obviously doesn't appreciate you.


Um, there are three sides to every story. Way to assume you know everything based only on the mother's side

As someone who has chosen not to have a relationship with her own mother, I think the OP needs to back off and let it be. If her daughter wanted a relationship, she would seek one, if she's being clear she does not want one, the OP should respect that. She doesn't have to like it, but she should respect it.

~dawn

valincal
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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:03:55 PM
So you haven't had a relationship with your DD since she was 15 years old?

Has she not been living with you? Sorry, don't mean to be nosy. Regardless of the background, you're entitled to your feelings.





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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:07:09 PM
My response got eaten, so I will just ditto this:


As someone who has chosen not to have a relationship with her own mother, I think the OP needs to back off and let it be. If her daughter wanted a relationship, she would seek one, if she's being clear she does not want one, the OP should respect that. She doesn't have to like it, but she should respect it.


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Lozi
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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:10:07 PM
Thanks Gar, I appreciate your comments.

Dawn, perhaps you can help me? I would like some insight? Maybe you could help me from another view?

All views appreciated

Thanks


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SnowWhite.
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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:16:39 PM

Dawn, perhaps you can help me? I would like some insight? Maybe you could help me from another view?


Well, my mother is mentally ill and a prescription drug addict. She only knows one mode: SMOTHER. Well, that's not true, she's pretty damned good at GUILT too.

So I'm not really sure what insight I can provide....

~dawn

gottapeanow
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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:17:16 PM

So you haven't had a relationship with your DD since she was 15 years old?

Has she not been living with you? Sorry, don't mean to be nosy. Regardless of the background, you're entitled to your feelings.



Val, we're peas. We aren't nosy. Someone posts and asks for advice. We want all the info before we give advice.

OP, I also want to know the answers to Val's questions.

Lisa

Lozi
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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:29:36 PM
Our relationship has been difficult.

In short, I took the 3 children and left an abusive marriage. I agreed for the children to return to the home with xH.

I did not have the strength, emotional, financial etc to keep them, I wanted what was best for them so agreed for them to return to xH. He held all the keys!!

I hoped I did what was best for my precious children.


Love Life

IleneTell
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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:29:57 PM
OP, do you know why she has chosen not to have a relationship with you? Knowing some of the specifics might help us give better advice.



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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:32:15 PM
It's difficult to second guess without the back story, but I cut off a relationship with my step-mom...A woman who had practically raised me but because of an untreated mental illness became way too controlling, manipulative, and disruptive in my life.

While I felt it necessary to terminate all contact with her, I would have loved getting a b'day card, just to let me know I was still her daughter, and that she loved me...instead she sent back every photo she had of me, my kids, my husband...basically any photo that had anything to do with me.

emmafrost
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Posted: 1/28/2013 5:54:16 PM
You don't have to be estranged from a daughter to feel this way. Many young people don't have much emotional use for their parents until they are in their mid twenties. So continue to send cards and gifts if you want, but feel free to smooth over that empty relationship space by enjoying the friendship of others.







TravelAgent
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Posted: 1/28/2013 6:07:24 PM
I haven't spoken to my father in more than 30 years. When he sent gifts/cards in the beginning, I threw them away.

To me, it felt like he was trying to buy me because it was easier than acknowledging my position and taking my emotions seriously. I wanted to be treated like his daughter, not one of his mistresses.

Ironically my DH also decided to cut ties with his mom nearly 15 years after we were married. Her outreaches went unanswered because she didn't offer solutions, just a lot of whining about how he was torturing her with this behavior and some odd bids for attention like saying she had been given a death sentence when it was a goiter. Again, he wanted to start on the foundation that he was a grown man whose emotions/thoughts were valids, not that he'd been a bad little boy to make his mommy cry.

I'm not saying that's what you are doing. I'm saying this is what has irritated these two kids who were in your daughter's role.

Julie



2LuvPeasLife
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Posted: 1/28/2013 6:09:39 PM
Tough spot to be in.

You're sure your DD is still at the same address? and someone there is giving the card/letter/parcel directly to her?

Me?
I would keep sending a card, Christmas & Birthday.


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Christine58
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Posted: 1/28/2013 6:14:20 PM
Do you have any contact with any of your children??



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Posted: 1/28/2013 6:16:45 PM
I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time.

I have a 22 year old daughter and when she was 15 I never would have dreamed that we would have the relationship that we have now. We went through some really difficult times but came through it and are close now. She was my maid of honor when I got married 4 weeks ago

I don't know your story but I hope that there is healing for you and your daughter. (((hugs)))





KathleenMan
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Posted: 1/28/2013 7:02:31 PM
I am from a broken home....my brother has divorced two good parents for no good reason. I think as a society it has become entirely too easy to "divorce" things that take work. I'm not referring to true abusive situations, but that is rarely the case. Our parents aren't easy, but I'll bet we weren't easy growing up either. The roles reverse as we get older and I think a lot of us would do well to remember that.

Op I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I'm sure you made a difficult decision. The love of a parent is endless and to have the love rejected must be awful. Take heart though because 22 is old, but not yet wise. She can still turn it around...erhaps as she grows the love and influence of the right man can make all the difference. Time will tell. My thoughts are with you.

Lisa Risser
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Posted: 1/28/2013 7:10:44 PM
Lozi: Hugs for you! I am sure that it is so very difficult to deal with that estrangement. I feel for your daughter,too who must also be hurting.

Hopefully you will be able to repair your relationship at some point and she can grow to understand that you did what you felt was best for all--even though it may have felt like abandonment to her.


~~Lisa

redboots
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Posted: 1/28/2013 7:16:24 PM
My MIL is estranged from her daughter (her only child other than my husband) and, quite honestly, it stems from issues on both sides.

I think that it may be best for you to stop pushing. My MIL pushed and pushed and pushed with her daughter and deepened a rift that may be irreparable at this point. They haven't spoken in over a decade.

You need to respect your daughter's decision. My guess is that there is a lot of backstory that you haven't shared (and I respect that completely), given that you have been estranged from your daughter since she was a teen. Your choice to continue to push may feel like a denial of her feelings, and your wording ("be the bigger person" ) makes me think that there may be some emotional manipulation and failure to own your part in the estrangement, as well.

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling, but I hope you can also see this from your daughter's side. The pain of spending nearly half your life without a mother must be immense. I think I might feel angry if I were in her shoes, as well. If your ex-husband was abusive enough for you to leave, then perhaps growing up with only him was no picnic for your children.






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Posted: 1/28/2013 7:57:40 PM
You are her mother. You love her. Show your love. It doesn't matter if she responds. Put it out there. More love in the world. It's only a good thing. She may not respond. It may only go one way. It's ok. It's still love.

You loving her makes the world a better place. So love her and show it in any way you can.

She may have regrets but make sure you don't.


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Posted: 1/28/2013 11:34:50 PM
OP, you say you left an abusive marriage, but ended up returning the children to your ex. If he abused them, too, then they may resent you for leaving them with him. Or he may have manipulated their emotions and made them feel like you abandoned them and didn't care.

The other possibility is that your ex is preventing your cards and gifts from getting to your children. Maybe they don't even know you've sent them. Maybe he has blocked your number from their phones so they don't even know you've texted.

Abusers are often control freaks. Your ex may be responsible for the estrangement with your DD. I would still send a gift, but I would send it signature required, and see who actually signs for it. You may be able to require that she be the one to sign for it. If it gets returned to you because they refuse to accept it, then it's definitely time to back away for awhile.


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Posted: 1/28/2013 11:52:04 PM
I have no relationship with my mother, after she said my children weren't her real grandchildren.

She sends cards and checks and I throw them out.

If you need to, send a basic card, and just sign your name.

VirginiaGomes
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Posted: 1/29/2013 12:53:04 AM
I cannot understand how a mother and a daughter could ever become estranged. What could be so bad between a mom-daughter relationship that they decide not to even talk anymore?
I guess that is something I will never understand.
I would say just go and try to talk to your dd.


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megmc
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Posted: 1/29/2013 1:17:37 AM
Virginia...

My mother denies that my father ever hit me, I made it up.

She wrote me out of her will, giving everything that my father left me (verbally, no will, probate in her favor) to my brother. She also has given the entire contents of her home which has several things that belong to me to my brother and his family.

She blames me for my father dying. I had decided to go back to college out of state. She said it was my duty to stay, take care of them and I should have been there to take care of my father after his surgery. It was my fault that he threw a blot clot and died.

She is PO'd that I got married when I was supposed to stay home and take care of family....How dare I have a life of my own! She spent 4 days crying when I told I was having baby number 2. She even said that one was enough how could I go and get pregnant again. She firmly believes in the saying a son is son 'till he takes a wife. A daughter is a Daughter all her life. She made sure I knew it from day one. I had a great aunt who repeated it to me everyday, to make sure I knew what my duty was to be.

I put up with all that and still tried to be the loving daughter up until this point.

That she would not come to spend holidays with us because she needed to be home with her "real" grandchildren (my brother's kids). She told me that she just could not love my children like she loves my brother's kids. They just weren't like real grandchildren.

And that is how you break a mother/daughter bond.

Let us not forget those woman who have abusive mothers, or toxic mothers.



Nantini
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Posted: 1/29/2013 2:10:01 AM
Meg, I'm so sorry. I think you have a very manipulative, toxic mother. She's put stipulations on her love and gives your brother an unlimited hall pass. Both my mom and my step mom were like that. They're both dead now but that pain doesn't go away.

Lozi, your dd may indeed hold you responsible for running out on them. It may take a lot longer for her to understand you did what you could under the circumstances. She may indeed be manipulated by your ex, it would be in his best interest to validate that you were the problem, not him.

Please keep being the mom you want to be. Everyone wants to be loved by their mom, she's no different. She's just making you pay for her pain. Misplaced or not.

((( big hugs)))

gar
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Posted: 1/29/2013 2:10:40 AM

I cannot understand how a mother and a daughter could ever become estranged. What could be so bad between a mom-daughter relationship that they decide not to even talk anymore?
I guess that is something I will never understand


Class yourself as very lucky and perhaps a little naive.



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pelirroja
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Posted: 1/29/2013 3:50:52 AM
For the poster who can't possibly understand how or why these estrangements happen: consider yourself inexperienced and blessed. As you age and are given enough life experiences and situations, these things do happen, all the time. It's not unusual. Unfortunately.

OP, I would consider possibly doing nothing until your DD decides she wants to rebuild a relationship with you. If your DD wishes no contact and you are sending cards and gifts, you're not really listening to her wants and needs, are you? Being the "bigger person" implies a one-up position: again, it seems manipulative or disingenuous in the way you phrased it. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong. Could be.

Your XH was abusive and you returned her there?! Yes, that could be a problem. Fifteen is a tough age and whatever your reasons were, she probably feels like you didn't have enough room or love in your life to give anything to her. Perhaps your DD sees what you call being "unable" to care for her as instead being "unwilling" to do so. She feels discarded, I'm guessing. Just a thought and I could be very wrong since I'm an outsider looking in with only (your) half of the story.

Things might change in time but I would guess it's going to remain at this point until she's a parent and can better emphathize with whatever you were going thru that led you to that fateful decision.

Sorry if I sound harsh but this type of estrangement happened in my family with my sister and Mom. I'm making lots of assumptions in the brief details you posted, so if I'm wrong, I apologize in advance. In my family, I got caught in the middle. I do empathize with both my sister and my mother which makes me loved by neither since each assumes I took the other's side. It sucks.

((HUGS)) to you and, in time, I hope for healing in your situation.


Pelly





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Posted: 1/29/2013 6:10:51 AM
My father and I were estranged my entire life and it did not improve when, at around age 21, he decided we were equals (I guess) and that if I wasn't going to respond he would quit trying.

Every situation is different of course. If you do feel the need to cut it off - which is your right - I would send a last letter explaining that you don't want to be a bother and that your door is always open (if that's how you feel).



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Posted: 1/29/2013 7:03:30 AM
I agree with the ap who said cut back but keep sending cards. That leaves the door open but cuts down on your stress.



Deena714
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Posted: 1/29/2013 7:24:50 AM

You need to respect your daughter's decision. My guess is that there is a lot of backstory that you haven't shared (and I respect that completely), given that you have been estranged from your daughter since she was a teen. Your choice to continue to push may feel like a denial of her feelings, and your wording ("be the bigger person" ) makes me think that there may be some emotional manipulation and failure to own your part in the estrangement, as well.


I wholeheartedly agree with this.

And to the poster (or anyone) who doesn't know how a mother/daughter bond can be broken, consider yourself lucky. My mother is a toxic person for me for several reasons. The DNA we share is not enough for me to continue to put my own needs so far down on my list of priorities that I would continue to be around her. I'm an adult. That decision is mine and mine alone. If my mom kept sending cards or making phone calls against my wishes, it would absolutely do the opposite effect - I would put more and more distance until she got the picture.


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transprntbutterfly
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Posted: 1/29/2013 7:42:19 AM
4 years ago I cut all ties with my mother, shortly after my adoptive dad passed away. After a life time of her verbal and mental abuse and toxicity I decided I had enough and I would never be good enough for her. After years of her hateful and hurtful remarks to myself and my children I decided I was done. After years of her lies to me and about me, I was done. With my dad gone, I knew she would be out of control and would turn up the hate even more.

All of my life I heard how I ruined her life (she was unmarried when she got pregnant with me and I have never learned the true story of what happen with my bio father), a lifetime of hearing how much better off she would have been had she not had me and a lifetime of her passive aggressive behavior I cut all ties.

After my dad died I realized exactly how little she truly cared for me and my children and I walked away. She sent cards for the holidays (simply signed 'mom', no 'love' no 'miss you', just 'mom'), but never called or came over, but had dinner 3-4 times a week with my brother and his wife. I live a mile from her house. I finally returned the cards and checks with a note telling her 'no more'. It was the best decision I made for my life and my children.

Sometimes there is such a back story that no one truly knows and there are many reasons for estrangement.

OP if you truly want to try and fix the relationship with your daughter, perhaps you could try talking with her face to face. You say you left an abusive relationship and sent your children back to the XH. There may be a lot of issues you are unaware of and as a child she may feel that you picked yourself over your children. She may very well feel you abandoned her knowing the evil and abuse that you were leaving her to live in. She may feel you picked saving yourself over saving her. She was 15 and that is a tough age in and of itself. Add the rest of the story and she was probably a very confused young lady.

As a parent I can only imagine the pain you feel. As the child who has walked away from a parent, I can see both sides of this.

Instead of a card or a gift perhaps it is time to sit down face to face and talk this out. If she doesn't want to sit down with you, respect that, but reassure her that you will be there when she is ready to talk. There may come a time when she wants to talk to you and hear your side of the story, but now may not be the time. She too is an adult and you must respect her choices.

IleneTell
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Posted: 1/29/2013 8:47:39 AM
Based on the info you shared here, it sounds like she feels you've failed her. And your gifts probably seem like "too little, too late", or an attempt to buy her love back.

At this point, a hearfelt letter of apology and an explanation of why you made the choices you made, and a statement about how you wanted the best for her and how you love her very much, and an offer to try to work on the relationship is probably your best option.



CountryHam
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Posted: 1/29/2013 9:15:55 AM
The minute you stop with the card and stuff she will use that as ammunition. "See she doesnt' care anymore" etc.

IleneTell
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Posted: 1/29/2013 9:18:44 AM

The minute you stop with the card and stuff she will use that as ammunition.


It ddoesn't sounds like the daughter is playing games and using anything as "ammunition" - it sounds like she is genuinely done with her mother and has decided to sever ties.



pea brain
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Posted: 1/29/2013 10:10:47 AM
Just asking:

Have you ever gone to see her: face to face?

And asked her why?



lindywholoveskids
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Posted: 1/29/2013 10:42:44 AM
OP- you have such a sad story. I am sorry for your pain.
However, it would be great if you had a dialogue with some of the peas who have shared their experience.


CountryHam
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Posted: 1/29/2013 10:45:18 AM

It ddoesn't sounds like the daughter is playing games and using anything as "ammunition" - it sounds like she is genuinely done with her mother and has decided to sever ties.


Not necessary against her mother, but with her friends, or
whomever she uses as a sounding board to reinforce how it's OK
to ignore her mom. "See BFF she doesn't even send me a bday card
anymore".

Or maybe later on if regrets set in she can twist this in her mind
not as respect for the distance, but as a defeat.

There is that crazy quote that says " I put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down". I hate hate hate that quote but some do that. They put up walls and expect others to
bend over background to tear them down and prove something.

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Posted: 1/29/2013 11:20:27 AM

Our relationship has been difficult.

In short, I took the 3 children and left an abusive marriage. I agreed for the children to return to the home with xH.

I did not have the strength, emotional, financial etc to keep them, I wanted what was best for them so agreed for them to return to xH. He held all the keys!!

I hoped I did what was best for my precious children.
You returned to an abusive home and allowed your ex custody of all of them? Forgive me if I don't have that right, but that's what I gather from your post.

I actually know someone who has done this. Only she had four children and gave them all up. Really long story, but she has the exact same complaints about her children-how they don't acknowledge her cards, gifts, etc. She feels taken advantage of and hurt all the time.

A couple of her children do talk to her. A couple of them don't. I think in this instance, a person has to bear the weight and consequences of their decisions regarding their children. You felt you had no choice but to release your children, for whatever reasons you may have had. Own your decision and recognize that not everyone is going to see it your way. Your kids may view it differently.

I wish you luck because I know it's a painful position to be in. But all you can do is take responsibility for your decisions and be there NOW for your children. I think you also have to acknowledge that your daughter may not be ready for the relationship you think you should have with her. I think many people can't comprehend just how painful it is for their children to go through something like that.


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