I feel like the worst Mom EVER! Curious as to what the peas would do...

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Posted 1/28/2013 by cnred in NSBR Board
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PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
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Posted: 1/29/2013 2:33:06 PM
I have lived in a lot of big cities and have spent a lot of time in "crime-ridden" neighborhoods (I am a former public defender, as I have posted), and I would drive the girl home.

Whether or not you are willing to do that, try not to blame this 14-year-old girl for her position. She didn't choose her neighborhood, or her parents, or her broad situation.

prey-sniffing bully

PeaNut 32,477
March 2002
Posts: 25,680
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Loc: Out in the boondocks

Posted: 1/29/2013 2:45:26 PM
i am just curious as to what y'all are so darn afraid of?

it really makes me think that some of you are a bit sheltered


Sleeping with a Serial Killer

PeaNut 262,757
May 2006
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Loc: Big Bottom Valley

Posted: 1/29/2013 2:52:04 PM

she sounds quite manipulative and seems to be 'using' him a little,

One person's manipulation is another person's survival skill.

And of course it is HER family's job to take care of her needs/safety but
we all know that doesn't always happen. Some parent's *AREN'T*

Both of those things (possible manipulation, sucky parents) don't solve the OP's problem.

I would do what I could to help save this kid. I'm not saying that I would always do it with a song in my heart, but I would do it.

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TaWanDa Riot!

PeaNut 298,090
February 2007
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Loc: Big Sky Country

Posted: 1/29/2013 3:01:48 PM

And it's kind of funny because I also have a 14yo son with Aspergers who has made friends with a girl from a "bad" neighborhood. My son is friends with a girl! A "normal" girl! He's getting vital social skills practice. He's making friends through her. Her friendship draws other people, who otherwise may have seen him as weird, to sit by him and give him a chance. Friends! Other girls! Text messages! Parties! Normal kid stuff. With Aspergers! My geeky, weird, socially awkward kid who never got invited to parties in elementary school finally has friends and gets invited places. You'd better believe that I've given this girl rides home.

I quoted this from Tina because I could've written it myself about one of my own boys when he was in school.

The little gal who was his best friend, had a mother was a raging alcoholic. I can't tell you how many places my husband and I took them too. The young lady was one of the most polite kids I've ever known. She was stuck in a bad situation and was trying to make the best of it, in return my son found a wonderful and caring friend, she helped him through many trials. We were all helping each other.


"people generally see what they look for,
and hear what they listen for.

-To Kill a Mockingbird-


PeaNut 198,947
April 2005
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Posted: 1/29/2013 3:11:06 PM
How about thinking outside the box?
The play is over in a week or so, right?
Egads, i have no idea if it is even possible where you live, but what about paying for a taxi to take her home? Keeps you, your son and his friend safe.
I know its not your responsibility, but its an investment in your son. It shows your son how to treat a lady in an extreme situation and how to think outside the box when it comes to problem solving.


PeaNut 170,344
September 2004
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Posted: 1/29/2013 3:26:39 PM

I tried to edit my last post to say that his friend is safe at home. She has texted him to tell him she is quitting the play. This is the last week of rehearsal and the play is the weekend. We have not taken her home from play practice since it started in the latter part of November so not sure what has changed in her situation other than her address.

It's the last week of the play and she's quitting? This would make me concerned that something has happened that has changed her perspective. Maybe some guys have noticed her walking home alone late, maybe she's starting to get unwanted attention, or worse, something already has happened on a walk home and she hasn't told anyone.
I'd probably see if she can stay the night after a rehearsal and at some point, pull her aside and ask her if everything is okay. She might be being manipulative, or she might be desperately crying out for help.


PeaNut 147,319
May 2004
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Loc: Chicago, IL

Posted: 1/29/2013 4:14:50 PM
Can the school help in any way? Is there a social worker or something that could work on the ride situation? I assume there is no bus service (public or school)?

Tough situation. I don't think I have any advice.


PeaNut 147,319
May 2004
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Loc: Chicago, IL

Posted: 1/29/2013 4:18:14 PM
Can the school help in any way? Is there a social worker or something that could work on the ride situation? I assume there is no bus service (public or school)?

Tough situation. I don't think I have any advice.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 87,597
May 2003
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Posted: 1/29/2013 7:10:17 PM
Don't feel guilty at all. It's not your responsibility to give this girl a ride. You have already done a lot to help her out. If the neighbor is unsafe and you don't feel comfortable putting your son at risk, you shouldn't do it. You were already nice helping out when you could. The girl shouldn't be making your son feel guilty about it. It is not his decision, it's yours. It sounds like she is starting to use him. Not nice!

Did her parents ever call to thank you for helping?


PeaNut 403,496
December 2008
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Loc: Illinois

Posted: 1/29/2013 7:37:51 PM

What would *I* do? I'd drive her home. But like a couple other posters, my job has required me to go into neighborhoods like the OP described with some regularity, so I'm a lot more comfortable than an average suburbanite.


I spent several years teaching the kids from those neighborhoods. These kids often didn't even know where their parents were on a day-to-day basis (prison? rehab? passed out on the streets somewhere? laying unidentified in the local hospital?), let alone have the convenience of relying on a parent or other adult to drop them off and pick them up as needed. The lives these kids were forced to lead would chill most of you to the bone. Some had no food to eat, no place to sleep, no trustworthy authority figure in their lives, essentially, they had nothing, sometimes not even clothes to come to school.

It wouldn't even occur to me to refuse to drive your ds's friend places if I had the means and she did not.


PeaNut 59,460
December 2002
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Loc: Central WI

Posted: 1/29/2013 8:05:05 PM
I can see both sides but there is no way I would let that girl walk home alone. I would do it. If it bothered me so much I would try to find other options for her...Good luck.

scrapping buckeye

PeaNut 250,978
February 2006
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Loc: Buckeye trapped in Michigan

Posted: 1/29/2013 8:41:55 PM
I would feel bad that she was walking home alone thru bad neighborhoods. If I didn't feel comfortable driving her home I would hire a cab to get her there or something. I have driven thru bad areas during the day here in the D - I just drive really fast.


PeaNut 511,446
June 2011
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Loc: Saint Louis

Posted: 1/29/2013 9:14:03 PM
Do you have the means to call her a cab?

That's what I would do. I'd rather fork over a few bucks than put her or myself in a dangerous situation.

Living in another city that has had the dubious title of Murder Capital, I can understand not wanting to put yourself in danger.

I've lived in south St. Louis city all my life and I don't feel at all unsafe. In my younger days, I went to a biker bar on the east side (yes, I mean East St. Louis) where they would peek through the slot in the door and let you in (or slam it it shut), but I knew someone and always got in.
One time our ride left without us and dh & I walked across the bridge over the Mississippi back to St. Louis at 3 or 4 in the morning.
Was I scared? Not at all. I was just pissed I had to walk so far in high heels.

But even then, as now, I knew never to cross into certain areas. My dh and a co-worker's work van broke down in one such area. A police patrol car pulled up to them and told two full grown strong men that they need to be out of there, van or not, before nightfall. It was that bad.

If you feel unsafe, don't put your life at risk (and your child if he is with you!!) There was recently a thread here about female intuition...trust that.


PeaNut 109,060
September 2003
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Loc: west tennessee

Posted: 1/29/2013 10:56:53 PM
Wow, thanks for all the responses. My son was sick today so missed school and play practice. Let me clarify a few things. Play practice has been twice weekly for about 6 weeks and we've not taken her home at all from practice. I've only met her mother once and can't even remember her name. Her mother has not ever called to discuss arrangements or to say thank you. Never would I endanger a child, this girl or my own. She had already left the school last night when I got there. I do feel bad for her and her situation but also feel that she is taking advantage of ds a bit. While I'm not a nervous scared person, I'm not so cavalier as to place my child in harms way. Play practice and the actual play will last the rest of the week ending around 10 pm each night. Assuming she did not quit, we will attempt to find her a safe way home. In a perfect world, her family would ensure her safety. As I said I do feel bad for her and her mom for their circumstances but I am a single parent as well and just cannot risk it.

"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." Bertrand Russell

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PeaNut 121,208
December 2003
Posts: 13,269
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Loc: SCV, CA

Posted: 1/29/2013 11:52:40 PM
I've lived nearby neighborhoods like that n yes they totally bite. Op ur car would def stand out the first few times but that's because it simply doesnt belong there. Once the sellers n pushers know ur just in n out they will leave u alone. Having said that I would still try to help without pushing my personal comfort level. I would ask if her mom n uncle could meet me halfway or right outside the boundaries of when things get ugly. Maybe there's a fast food place u can meet them?

I too would be curious as to why their efforts n concerns aren't similar to urs. Makes me mad n I don't want to be taken advantage of either.


PeaNut 204,991
May 2005
Posts: 3,177
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Loc: New Jersey

Posted: 1/30/2013 1:04:44 AM
My older daughter had a friend from a family where the mother wouldn't do anything "extra" for her children. "Extra" being a ride to a friends house or a school activity. She would make rules about where he could go and what time he had to be home but would never provide transportation. She let him quit school at 14. She was a very uninvolved parent. The boy was a nice boy, but had a similar attitude to his mother, not rude, but he just had expectations of people because he was raised that way.

Long story short: This boy had moved around, been homeless, lived in his car at times. It was a fairly tough life. He wanted to do what other kids do. Eventually he came to live with us. He went to school, got a job, learned more social skills and grew up.

There were a few times before he came to live with us that I would be frustrated with the situation. I was driving him back and forth which was 35 minutes away. His mom would complain about him being 5 minutes late, etc. I always just figured that if we could do something to make his life better/easier it was worth it.

He has since graduated and I am always happy to know that we were able to help him change his life. I am sure anything you can do to help the girl will be appreciated. Maybe what you think of as manipulating is just her not knowing any other way to be.


PeaNut 267,237
July 2006
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Loc: Easton, Massachusetts

Posted: 1/30/2013 7:08:56 AM
I agree with most peas. Even if it is not your responsibility I would offer to pick and drop her off. It really takes a village.

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PeaNut 25,575
December 2001
Posts: 19,818
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Loc: Stuck in the Middle With You

Posted: 1/30/2013 7:15:17 AM
Good for you. I was a teen with a mom who has MS. Getting home from activities was hard. Some parents of friends were very kind to me and would give me rides. You never know what impact you may have on this girl's life.

Proud Wife and Mom to four big goons!
I cannot be old enough to have three teens and a tween.

God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to
go through it, not without pain but without stain.
-- C. S. Lewis

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