How do I help her?

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Posted 1/30/2013 by very_crafty_2 in NSBR Board


PeaNut 121,199
December 2003
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:39:11 AM
I don't know if any of you remember me, I have a 10 year old daughter who was at camp last year while I had my miscarriage. I ended up waiting for her to finish camp and then I told her. She cried some but she bounced back really fast. Last August I got pregnant again, I got diagnosed from the "get go" with Hyperemesis Gravedarium (HG). During all this time, I had home health care (they came 4 times to hook me up to an IV), a trip to the ER, numerous ultrasounds,3 doctors overseeing me and me still 5-8 lbs under pre-pregnancy weight. During that time, I also had to fight the flu, a stomach bug and the death of my beloved grandma the day before Christmas Eve. Needles to say, this pregnancy has been quite a challenge. All this time, my DH and DD were the perfect nurses for me. Well, last week I ended up with a stillborn baby. I was 25.3 weeks, last week I endured other complications that I won't bore you with.
My DH and I waited 'till all was done to talk to our daughter. She is in so much pain, I wish I could help her even more. She had so many dreams. She likes to sleep at night with the blanket were the baby was wrapped. She talks constantly about Emilia, I figure that is normal so I just let her talk. But I end up crying like her trying to explain stuff to her because I am grieving too. What do I do? I know some of you have BTDT and can offer some really good suggestions.
Thanks in advance,


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PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:42:36 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss, that's so sad

I don't have any experience but perhaps it's something that a professional grief counsellor would be best helping you with.

There's nothing wrong in her questions or in either of you crying of course, but it may help you all come to terms with it all a little easier, if that's possible.

My best wishes to you all.

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PeaNut 3,030
February 2000
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:44:16 AM
I have no idea how to tell you how to help your precious daughter, but I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your losses. My heart hurts for you - I will pray for healing for your family...

Dancing to the end of love.

PeaNut 8,446
December 2000
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Loc: Newport News, VA

Posted: 1/30/2013 11:44:36 AM
Oh, I am so sorry. What a terribly sad thing to go through, and then to have your DD hurting, too--that is just so hard.

I think all the talking you are doing with her has to be helping. I think it's okay to cry with her. Other than that, I just don't know, but I will keep you both in my prayers.



PeaNut 219,082
August 2005
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:44:42 AM
I'm sorry. I have no advice. Sending prayers to your family.



PeaNut 38,191
May 2002
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:52:08 AM
I'm so sorry for your losses.

Sometimes, when there are no good answers, it's ok to just hold each other and say that everything will eventually be all right.

I'm so so sorry for your daughter's pain...

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PeaNut 300,444
February 2007
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:56:08 AM
I am sorry for your loss and all that you have endured.

I think it sounds like you are doing the right things with your daughter - being open with your feelings and trying to comfort here. Since it has only been a week, I'd give it a couple more weeks. If she remains at this level of intense grieving after that, then maybe seek a professional counselor to help with the grief process. Young children and pre-teens often are a bit more open about their feelings, so what you see pouring out is well within the "normal" although it feels like a lot to adults who do more internal grieving.

Prayers for your family to heal from this sad sequence of events and loss!

Susan Beth
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PeaNut 178,513
November 2004
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:59:05 AM
I am so sorry for your losses..

It may help for all of you to see someone professional to talk to, as well as talking to each other, as you are now...

(((HUGS))) Your family has been through a lot....


PeaNut 268,368
July 2006
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Posted: 1/30/2013 12:00:59 PM
I am so sorry for you all.

Maybe in a few months you might want to have a little ceremony, releasing a balloon with all your hopes & dreams of your little one?

My cousin had a bad pg several years ago. She had 3 kids already, a boy, and 2 girls, and had suffered a few mc's. With the first ultrasound they found out that the baby boy had a club foot and other possible issues.

At about 25 or so weeks she had emergency delivery. She almost died and the baby was born with many defects and was either born stillborn or died very soon after.

Her ds was about 6 or 7 and was so upset, he wanted a brother to round out the family. He was devastated that he didn't get to see the baby (the grandparents did).

A year later he told his mom that he had a hole in his heart where his brother should be

He saw a grief counselor at that point and it helped.


Mommy of TWO LMM-O-Peas

PeaNut 51,325
October 2002
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Posted: 1/30/2013 12:01:58 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you are doing the right thing by her, keep on loving her and loving yourself. You need time and tenderness too.

Wife to Eric and Momma to Lindsay Marie and Lydia Mae and a Husker fan through and through

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Peaing From Podunk

PeaNut 45,443
August 2002
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Posted: 1/30/2013 12:03:30 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss


Mother Goose's Meandering Mind


PeaNut 400,592
November 2008
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Posted: 1/30/2013 12:05:25 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family find peace.


PeaNut 400,592
November 2008
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Posted: 1/30/2013 12:08:12 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family find peace.


PeaNut 562,203
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Posted: 1/30/2013 12:13:26 PM
Oh, how my heart breaks for you. I am saddened that you went through so much and still lost your precious baby. I hope that both of you will be able to go to counseling. Just talking about it may help. Also, I love the idea someone gave of a little ceremony with a balloon. Fill it with all the hopes and dreams you had for her. The way the world is right now, you might even fill it with some of the grief she will never have to endure. It could even be a ceremony for just the three of you. No one else can truly understand your loss.

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PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
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Posted: 1/30/2013 12:35:29 PM
I am so sorry. I wish I could say or do something for you. I have a friends who lost their baby at 26 weeks as well.

I also suggest a counselor for your DD. This is a lot for such a young child to deal with. And kudos for you to see her needs when yours are so very great right now as well. It's all so much. Don't hesitate to get grief counseling for yourself if you feel the need.

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PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
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Posted: 1/30/2013 1:10:37 PM

I am so sorry for your losses. You are an amazing mom. In the midst of your pain your concern is for the well-being of your daughter. You have an amazing strength of character.

I agree that it would be a good idea to look into greif therapy for your daughter, and you might benefit from it as well.

(((HUGS))) to you both.

True North Strong and Free

PeaNut 227,939
October 2005
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Posted: 1/30/2013 1:35:43 PM
So very sorry for your loss, and for all you've been through. Take care.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
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Posted: 1/30/2013 1:35:49 PM
I am so very sorry. You have been through so much.

Not as bad, but my DD was 5 when I had a late miscarriage. She had been so excited and was very sad for quite a while . Children are very resilient though, and deal with grief differently. They seem to travel through puddles of grief rather than being down all the time and you may need to adjust on a daily or even hourly basis for a while to meet her needs.

I second Gar's suggestion- I really think professional input would be best all round. I will pray for you all.

It's not the passage of time that heals. It's what you do with that time.


PeaNut 24,564
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Posted: 1/30/2013 1:39:25 PM
hugs....prayers...and a few tears....
for all of you....

Sugar Snap Pea

PeaNut 257,999
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Posted: 1/30/2013 1:44:57 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree that a counselor might be very helpful for both of you. I have been seeing a grief counselor since the loss of my mom, and it has made a big difference. They also had programs that my ds attended and that helped him as well.

Sugar Snap Pea

PeaNut 257,999
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Posted: 1/30/2013 1:45:12 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree that a counselor might be very helpful for both of you. I have been seeing a grief counselor since the loss of my mom, and it has made a big difference. They also had programs that my ds attended and that helped him as well.

Ursula Schneider

PeaNut 97,497
July 2003
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Posted: 1/30/2013 1:52:35 PM
I am sooo sorry for your loss. The pain must be incredible to bear.

I'm not a professional, but I've done a lot of lay ministry to grieving people as well as had a heavy load of loss myself. In my experience, crying with those who are grieving, just sitting and being together and feeling the pain together is the best medicine. If you want to talk about it, do so, it's good to let out the thought, questions, feelings, etc.

I have also found that sometimes those who are grieving feel guilty for feeling any kind of pleasure or humor. I encourage people that it is ok to feel good again and that those feelings mix with grief just fine.

When we lost our twins, our family grieved together a great deal. We talked about them, reminisced, cried, prayed and just experienced it together. I think it's important to know that you can't take the pain away, but you can walk through it together. It's also important to know to allow yourselve at least a year to grieve a loss and sometimes more.

That said, a grief counselor may also be a very helpful option.

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PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
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Posted: 1/30/2013 11:26:27 PM
A grief counselor may be a lot of help.
I'm really sorry for your loss

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PeaNut 31,845
March 2002
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:05:50 AM
I have no words of wisdom, I am just very sorry for your loss.

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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 475,028
July 2010
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:16:45 AM
I'm very sorry to hear all that.

The hospital where I work has grief classes specifically for families that have been touched by the death of a baby. They have three types of classes -- one for the entire family, one for adults (which can include grandma, grandpa, uncles, etc.), and one specifically for kids. You might look to see if your hospital does something similar. They're all wonderful classes here, but I think the one for kids is especially good. Those people who work with children -- the Child Life specialists, and pediatric social workers -- are saints.

Thrift Whisperer

PeaNut 114,407
November 2003
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:18:16 AM
I am so sorry for your family's loss.

Would a little counseling help?

I would start with her MD, county health services or even school guidance counselor.

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PeaNut 364,338
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:20:04 AM
I am so sorry for your losses. ((hugs)) to your whole family.


PeaNut 340,861
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:42:08 AM
I'm so sorry for your losses xoxo You are talking to her and that is the main thing. My Mum lost a full term baby a week after he was born and we were not allowed to speak about him.


Pride of the Peas

PeaNut 25,575
December 2001
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:19:15 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.

The school guidance counselor is a good place to start. He/she can recommend a counselor, if desired.

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PeaNut 121,199
December 2003
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:59:53 AM
Thank you for your prayers and suggestions. A school counselor is out of the question as I homeschool. I was thinking of calling my insurance company and see if they offer anything for her. Our (immediate)family has gone 'tru 2 HUGE losses in 2.5 years. And thanks to God we have all somehow "bounced back".
Now, she is only 10 and after conversing again with her last night,I think this is becoming too much for her to bear at this moment. I must assume this is normal, but once I see that is too much for her you bet that I will do something about it. You see, I can cry all I want/need, so does my DH but we are adults and we can handle it, she is only 10.

Thank God, our faith is very strong and our (immediate)family is very big and close. We consider ourselves our own support

Let's see if this "support group" is strong enough to reach our DD.
Thanks again,


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PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:03:17 AM

But I end up crying like her trying to explain stuff to her because I am grieving too. What do I do?
There is no way to explain it. I would not try. I think you may need to transition to some tough love in the next week or so. It was not HER baby that was lost. It was YOURS and YOU need to take care of YOU and not be dissolved into tears by fruitlessly trying to explain the unexplainable to a 10 year old.

My mom lost two babies while I was young and yes, there were initial tears, but she effectively told us that we were moving forward and that we were not going to cry and wonder why any longer. And you know what? We didn't! Her good friend delivered a stillborn child at 38 weeks and did much the same with her children who were 12 and under at the time.

You may need to enlist the help of your DH to be frank with your daughter and let her know that you are hurting and need to heal and that you cannot keep going back over and over this with her. 10 is fully old enough to understand that it is not all about them and that you need to be mindful and caring of others.

God bless you, I am so terribly sorry for the losses you have endured!

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PeaNut 125,349
January 2004
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:05:59 AM
Check with your local hospice. They may have free counseling support for kids. You don't need to have gone through hospice to take advantage of their programs.



PeaNut 314,427
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Posted: 1/31/2013 10:01:35 AM
I am so sorry. Your message brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you, your daughter and your family. Does your hospital have services available for children dealing with grief? Does your church have counseling services? I will be thinking of you today.



PeaNut 371,428
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Posted: 1/31/2013 10:54:24 AM
I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))


PeaNut 33,625
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Posted: 1/31/2013 12:16:37 PM
I am very sorry for your loss

The best thing I did for my ds when his sister passed away was getting him into counseling. I would recommend this for you and your dd.

~ Dori ~


PeaNut 142,266
April 2004
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Posted: 1/31/2013 12:35:27 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would see what grief counseling services your community offers. I would think group counseling would be really good for kids so they would see that other kids have the same feelings they do. You could ask your church for recommendations.


Stay Gold, Ponyboy

PeaNut 41,779
July 2002
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Posted: 1/31/2013 2:18:13 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. May your sweet baby's Memory be Eternal.

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PeaNut 412,905
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Posted: 1/31/2013 3:12:41 PM
I'm so sad for all of you.

I've had no experience in this type of loss, but it seems to me that you're doing the right things. Seeing a professional will help and the group counseling for children sounds like a good idea too.

(((hugs))) to your family.


PeaNut 55,741
November 2002
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Posted: 1/31/2013 4:19:28 PM
Oh my goodness. I am so very sorry for the loss your family has suffered. I can only imagine your tremendous sadness and grief.

I don't have much advie and didn't read the posts before mine. But I bet the Peas have offered some good suggestions.

I would just say that even though it might feel wrong, it's okay and good for your daughter to see you grieve. It will help her to know how to as well, and that her feelings of extreme sadness are normal and healthy.

Bless your hearts. I'll be thinking of you.


PeaNut 211,645
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Posted: 1/31/2013 4:33:59 PM
Yamilka I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the grief you must all be suffering.

This organisaton is a UK group - I don't think they operate in other countries but they are online and they have resources specifically for bereaved children. Winston's Wish is very respected here and many children have been helped by them. Even if you are not able to access some of their services with your daughter they may well know of similar groups more local to you.


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PeaNut 225,338
September 2005
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Posted: 1/31/2013 4:43:49 PM
I'm so very sorry for your and your family's loss. (((Hugs)) and prayers.

I think that it might be helpful for your DD to have someone to talk with privately. Often when kids know that their parents are hurting, they will hold back in a way of trying to "protect" their parents. So whether it's a member of the clergy or another trusted adult or a counselor, I'd encourage you to find a grown up to help support DD.

Starting with your insurance company is a good idea. I would suggest asking for someone with experience/specialization in working with children, perhaps a play or art therapist, if there is one on your panel.

Also, there are 2 hospices here in Georgia that provide (free) camps for kids who have lost a loved one (parent, sibling, etc.). I referred a client to one in the past, and it was an extremely positive experience for her and her entire family. That might be something to seek out in the future.


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PeaNut 281,551
October 2006
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Posted: 1/31/2013 4:54:46 PM
No experience with this but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and for the pain you and your family are going through.

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PeaNut 265,707
June 2006
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Loc: Northern Virginia

Posted: 1/31/2013 5:00:45 PM
It's OK to cry in front of her when you talk about your baby.

It teaches her not to hide her pain - I learned to hide it from my family and spent my life unlearning that. It's better to show your grief. You might wish to moderate it in her presence, and not fall totally to pirces as you might in private, but if you talk about the baby with her and you cry, that is ok. It won't hurt her - it will help her. She will learn how to grieve from you.

I will second or third or whatever the recommendation for counseling. But go with her. Show her that you are not so impossibly immersed in your pain to help her with hers.

Jenny Lilac
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PeaNut 45,964
August 2002
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Posted: 1/31/2013 5:15:44 PM
Wow - I am so sorry to hear about your losses! I think just being with her and loving her is the best thing you can do for her. Sometimes an explanation is not what's needed as much as just love, and I hope you can take some comfort in her love as well.


PeaNut 555,986
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:02:50 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss.
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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 168,696
September 2004
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Loc: Northern California

Posted: 1/31/2013 8:01:46 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain of it.
I was in a group called SALT - support after neonatal death.
My DH and I went and discussed how to work through our grief, and how to talk to our daughter. She was younger than yours, so we kept it more brief.
We connected with other parents and in one case, 30 years later we are good friends.

I'd look in to services that have been suggested. It's always good to get help IMO .

Beeswax None of Yours Inc.

PeaNut 166,112
September 2004
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:07:01 PM
Im so so sorry for your loss. I wish there was more I could say or some advice to offer your family. But for now hug each other, support each other, and cry together if you want. Make sure she knows it's ok for her to feel upset. I hope you are all able to find some comfort. Sending you all hugs.


Slow Poke Pea

PeaNut 857
June 1999
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Loc: Central Florida

Posted: 1/31/2013 9:29:36 PM
I would suggest calling the labor and delivery department of the hospital where you delivered and ask them if their is a social worker or family counselor to whom you could speak about grief counseling for your daughter.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby


luv my bulldoggies

PeaNut 24,213
November 2001
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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:58:38 PM
I am so, so sorry for your losses!!! It sounds as though letting her talk and sleep with the blanket, and seeing you cry are all healthy things. Have you considered going to a support group and, if not comfortable in a group, maybe the 3 of you could go to grief counseling? (((( HUGS!!)))))
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