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very_crafty_2 PeaFixture PeaNut 121,199 December 2003 Posts: 3,272 Layouts: 142 Loc: Florida ... for now ...
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:39:11 AM
I don't know if any of you remember me, I have a 10 year old daughter who was at camp last year while I had my miscarriage. I ended up waiting for her to finish camp and then I told her. She cried some but she bounced back really fast. Last August I got pregnant again, I got diagnosed from the "get go" with Hyperemesis Gravedarium (HG). During all this time, I had home health care (they came 4 times to hook me up to an IV), a trip to the ER, numerous ultrasounds,3 doctors overseeing me and me still 5-8 lbs under pre-pregnancy weight. During that time, I also had to fight the flu, a stomach bug and the death of my beloved grandma the day before Christmas Eve. Needles to say, this pregnancy has been quite a challenge. All this time, my DH and DD were the perfect nurses for me. Well, last week I ended up with a stillborn baby. I was 25.3 weeks, last week I endured other complications that I won't bore you with.
My DH and I waited 'till all was done to talk to our daughter. She is in so much pain, I wish I could help her even more. She had so many dreams. She likes to sleep at night with the blanket were the baby was wrapped. She talks constantly about Emilia, I figure that is normal so I just let her talk. But I end up crying like her trying to explain stuff to her because I am grieving too. What do I do? I know some of you have BTDT and can offer some really good suggestions.
Thanks in advance, |
Yamilka
Giving up is not an option.
English, Spanish, Japanese
Internet Radio
KamiScraps
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gar Whoopea! PeaNut 172,235 October 2004 Posts: 12,674 Layouts: 0 Loc: England UK
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:42:36 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss, that's so sad
I don't have any experience but perhaps it's something that a professional grief counsellor would be best helping you with.
There's nothing wrong in her questions or in either of you crying of course, but it may help you all come to terms with it all a little easier, if that's possible.
My best wishes to you all.
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"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Stephen Roberts
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genny PeaNut PeaNut 3,030 February 2000 Posts: 440 Layouts: 45 Loc: GA
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:44:16 AM
I have no idea how to tell you how to help your precious daughter, but I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am for your losses. My heart hurts for you - I will pray for healing for your family...
Genny | |
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Mystie Dancing to the end of love. PeaNut 8,446 December 2000 Posts: 11,806 Layouts: 173 Loc: Newport News, VA
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:44:36 AM
Oh, I am so sorry. What a terribly sad thing to go through, and then to have your DD hurting, too--that is just so hard.
I think all the talking you are doing with her has to be helping. I think it's okay to cry with her. Other than that, I just don't know, but I will keep you both in my prayers. |
Janelle
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GroovyPea AncestralPea PeaNut 219,082 August 2005 Posts: 4,775 Layouts: 224 Loc: Wild Wonderful WV
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:44:42 AM
I'm sorry. I have no advice. Sending prayers to your family. |
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domoo OMG....Did I really say that out loud? PeaNut 262,693 May 2006 Posts: 5,775 Layouts: 7 Loc: Louisville, K
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:50:26 AM
Oh, I'm so very sorry for you and your family. I think you are just going to have to love each other through this crisis. Hug and cry and hold on to each other. It's far too early to be concerned that she is so sad in my opinion. Praying for all of you. |
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wordsmith PeaAddict PeaNut 38,191 May 2002 Posts: 1,502 Layouts: 5 Loc: in the matrix
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:52:08 AM
I'm so sorry for your losses.
Sometimes, when there are no good answers, it's ok to just hold each other and say that everything will eventually be all right.
I'm so so sorry for your daughter's pain... |
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deragirl PeaAddict PeaNut 300,444 February 2007 Posts: 1,829 Layouts: 77 Loc: Montana
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:56:08 AM
I am sorry for your loss and all that you have endured.
I think it sounds like you are doing the right things with your daughter - being open with your feelings and trying to comfort here. Since it has only been a week, I'd give it a couple more weeks. If she remains at this level of intense grieving after that, then maybe seek a professional counselor to help with the grief process. Young children and pre-teens often are a bit more open about their feelings, so what you see pouring out is well within the "normal" although it feels like a lot to adults who do more internal grieving.
Prayers for your family to heal from this sad sequence of events and loss! |
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Newbie2 Jeepers PEApers PeaNut 178,513 November 2004 Posts: 2,203 Layouts: 0 Loc: New England
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:59:05 AM
I am so sorry for your losses..
It may help for all of you to see someone professional to talk to, as well as talking to each other, as you are now...
(((HUGS))) Your family has been through a lot.... | |
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NewfCathy PeaFixture PeaNut 268,368 July 2006 Posts: 3,888 Layouts: 27 Loc: North of Boston
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 12:00:59 PM
I am so sorry for you all.
Maybe in a few months you might want to have a little ceremony, releasing a balloon with all your hopes & dreams of your little one?
My cousin had a bad pg several years ago. She had 3 kids already, a boy, and 2 girls, and had suffered a few mc's. With the first ultrasound they found out that the baby boy had a club foot and other possible issues.
At about 25 or so weeks she had emergency delivery. She almost died and the baby was born with many defects and was either born stillborn or died very soon after.
Her ds was about 6 or 7 and was so upset, he wanted a brother to round out the family. He was devastated that he didn't get to see the baby (the grandparents did).
A year later he told his mom that he had a hole in his heart where his brother should be
He saw a grief counselor at that point and it helped.
Cathy | |
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*HuskerFaninIL* Mommy of TWO LMM-O-Peas PeaNut 51,325 October 2002 Posts: 14,605 Layouts: 310 Loc: Husker fan in the Illini State
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 12:01:58 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you are doing the right thing by her, keep on loving her and loving yourself. You need time and tenderness too. |
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AKathy Peaing From Podunk PeaNut 45,443 August 2002 Posts: 14,677 Layouts: 93 Loc: North Dakota
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 12:03:30 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss  |
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S_cR_aP_Booker PeaAddict PeaNut 400,592 November 2008 Posts: 1,322 Layouts: 0 Loc: Mississippi
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 12:05:25 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family find peace. | |
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S_cR_aP_Booker PeaAddict PeaNut 400,592 November 2008 Posts: 1,322 Layouts: 0 Loc: Mississippi
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 12:08:12 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family find peace. | |
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icedpea BucketHead PeaNut 562,203 July 2012 Posts: 810 Layouts: 0
| Posted: 1/30/2013 12:13:26 PM
Oh, how my heart breaks for you. I am saddened that you went through so much and still lost your precious baby. I hope that both of you will be able to go to counseling. Just talking about it may help. Also, I love the idea someone gave of a little ceremony with a balloon. Fill it with all the hopes and dreams you had for her. The way the world is right now, you might even fill it with some of the grief she will never have to endure. It could even be a ceremony for just the three of you. No one else can truly understand your loss. | |
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batya Making the WWW better, one post at a time. PeaNut 59,094 December 2002 Posts: 31,933 Layouts: 24 Loc: up on my high horse
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 12:35:29 PM
I am so sorry. I wish I could say or do something for you. I have a friends who lost their baby at 26 weeks as well.
I also suggest a counselor for your DD. This is a lot for such a young child to deal with. And kudos for you to see her needs when yours are so very great right now as well. It's all so much. Don't hesitate to get grief counseling for yourself if you feel the need.  |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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Mary Kay Lady StuckOnPeas PeaNut 367,913 March 2008 Posts: 2,559 Layouts: 0 Loc: The state of Confusion!
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 1:10:37 PM
I am so sorry for your losses. You are an amazing mom. In the midst of your pain your concern is for the well-being of your daughter. You have an amazing strength of character.
I agree that it would be a good idea to look into greif therapy for your daughter, and you might benefit from it as well.
(((HUGS))) to you both.
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valincal True North Strong and Free PeaNut 227,939 October 2005 Posts: 13,690 Layouts: 5 Loc: Southern Alberta
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 1:35:43 PM
So very sorry for your loss, and for all you've been through. Take care.
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UkSue AncestralPea PeaNut 428,374 June 2009 Posts: 4,299 Layouts: 2 Loc: Greater London
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 1:35:49 PM
I am so very sorry. You have been through so much.
Not as bad, but my DD was 5 when I had a late miscarriage. She had been so excited and was very sad for quite a while . Children are very resilient though, and deal with grief differently. They seem to travel through puddles of grief rather than being down all the time and you may need to adjust on a daily or even hourly basis for a while to meet her needs.
I second Gar's suggestion- I really think professional input would be best all round. I will pray for you all. |
| Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still. | |
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Luvspaper PeaFixture PeaNut 24,564 November 2001 Posts: 3,328 Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 1:39:25 PM
hugs....prayers...and a few tears....
for all of you....
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mamashosh Sugar Snap Pea PeaNut 257,999 April 2006 Posts: 13,432 Layouts: 3
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 1:44:57 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree that a counselor might be very helpful for both of you. I have been seeing a grief counselor since the loss of my mom, and it has made a big difference. They also had programs that my ds attended and that helped him as well. |
| "Some people should exercise their compassion a little more and their mouth a little less."-- Burning Feather | |
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mamashosh Sugar Snap Pea PeaNut 257,999 April 2006 Posts: 13,432 Layouts: 3
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 1:45:12 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
I agree that a counselor might be very helpful for both of you. I have been seeing a grief counselor since the loss of my mom, and it has made a big difference. They also had programs that my ds attended and that helped him as well. |
| "Some people should exercise their compassion a little more and their mouth a little less."-- Burning Feather | |
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Ursula Schneider What can I post about? PeaNut 97,497 July 2003 Posts: 998 Layouts: 94 Loc: Southeastern Arizona
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 1:52:35 PM
I am sooo sorry for your loss. The pain must be incredible to bear.
I'm not a professional, but I've done a lot of lay ministry to grieving people as well as had a heavy load of loss myself. In my experience, crying with those who are grieving, just sitting and being together and feeling the pain together is the best medicine. If you want to talk about it, do so, it's good to let out the thought, questions, feelings, etc.
I have also found that sometimes those who are grieving feel guilty for feeling any kind of pleasure or humor. I encourage people that it is ok to feel good again and that those feelings mix with grief just fine.
When we lost our twins, our family grieved together a great deal. We talked about them, reminisced, cried, prayed and just experienced it together. I think it's important to know that you can't take the pain away, but you can walk through it together. It's also important to know to allow yourselve at least a year to grieve a loss and sometimes more.
That said, a grief counselor may also be a very helpful option. |
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*Delphinium Twinkle* I'm just a pea:) PeaNut 163,613 August 2004 Posts: 69,005 Layouts: 236 Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
 | Posted: 1/30/2013 11:26:27 PM
A grief counselor may be a lot of help.
I'm really sorry for your loss |
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elphalba PeaNut PeaNut 31,845 March 2002 Posts: 461 Layouts: 53 Loc: Poconos PA
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 6:05:50 AM
I have no words of wisdom, I am just very sorry for your loss.  |
Erica
Mom to six kids, two pugs and a cat
2013 Layouts Completed: 131
2012 Layouts Completed: 219
MY BLOG
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Monklady123 AncestralPea PeaNut 475,028 July 2010 Posts: 4,591 Layouts: 0 Loc: Northern VA
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 6:16:45 AM
I'm very sorry to hear all that.
The hospital where I work has grief classes specifically for families that have been touched by the death of a baby. They have three types of classes -- one for the entire family, one for adults (which can include grandma, grandpa, uncles, etc.), and one specifically for kids. You might look to see if your hospital does something similar. They're all wonderful classes here, but I think the one for kids is especially good. Those people who work with children -- the Child Life specialists, and pediatric social workers -- are saints.  |
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writermom1 Thrift Whisperer PeaNut 114,407 November 2003 Posts: 22,401 Layouts: 66 Loc: At the intersection of Hooterville and Stars Hollow
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 6:18:16 AM
I am so sorry for your family's loss.
Would a little counseling help?
I would start with her MD, county health services or even school guidance counselor. |
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Linda-H StuckOnPeas PeaNut 364,338 February 2008 Posts: 2,169 Layouts: 1
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 6:20:04 AM
I am so sorry for your losses. ((hugs)) to your whole family. | |
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sharonoz BucketHead PeaNut 340,861 October 2007 Posts: 549 Layouts: 1 Loc: in a land downunder
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 6:42:08 AM
I'm so sorry for your losses xoxo You are talking to her and that is the main thing. My Mum lost a full term baby a week after he was born and we were not allowed to speak about him.
((hugs)) | |
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Pridemom Pride of the Peas PeaNut 25,575 December 2001 Posts: 19,132 Layouts: 45 Loc: Stuck in the Middle With You
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 7:19:15 AM
I am so sorry for your loss.
The school guidance counselor is a good place to start. He/she can recommend a counselor, if desired. |
Proud Wife and Mom to four big goons!
I cannot be old enough to have three teens and a tween.
God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially formed you to
go through it, not without pain but without stain.
-- C. S. Lewis
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very_crafty_2 PeaFixture PeaNut 121,199 December 2003 Posts: 3,272 Layouts: 142 Loc: Florida ... for now ...
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 8:59:53 AM
Thank you for your prayers and suggestions. A school counselor is out of the question as I homeschool. I was thinking of calling my insurance company and see if they offer anything for her. Our (immediate)family has gone 'tru 2 HUGE losses in 2.5 years. And thanks to God we have all somehow "bounced back".
Now, she is only 10 and after conversing again with her last night,I think this is becoming too much for her to bear at this moment. I must assume this is normal, but once I see that is too much for her you bet that I will do something about it. You see, I can cry all I want/need, so does my DH but we are adults and we can handle it, she is only 10.
Thank God, our faith is very strong and our (immediate)family is very big and close. We consider ourselves our own support group...lol
Let's see if this "support group" is strong enough to reach our DD.
Thanks again, |
Yamilka
Giving up is not an option.
English, Spanish, Japanese
Internet Radio
KamiScraps
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Shih Tzu Mommy Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock! PeaNut 224,352 September 2005 Posts: 23,527 Layouts: 0 Loc: Right here
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 9:03:17 AM
But I end up crying like her trying to explain stuff to her because I am grieving too. What do I do?
There is no way to explain it. I would not try. I think you may need to transition to some tough love in the next week or so. It was not HER baby that was lost. It was YOURS and YOU need to take care of YOU and not be dissolved into tears by fruitlessly trying to explain the unexplainable to a 10 year old.
My mom lost two babies while I was young and yes, there were initial tears, but she effectively told us that we were moving forward and that we were not going to cry and wonder why any longer. And you know what? We didn't! Her good friend delivered a stillborn child at 38 weeks and did much the same with her children who were 12 and under at the time.
You may need to enlist the help of your DH to be frank with your daughter and let her know that you are hurting and need to heal and that you cannot keep going back over and over this with her. 10 is fully old enough to understand that it is not all about them and that you need to be mindful and caring of others.
God bless you, I am so terribly sorry for the losses you have endured! |
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Ladybugtwin BucketHead PeaNut 125,349 January 2004 Posts: 764 Layouts: 53 Loc: OH
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 9:05:59 AM
Check with your local hospice. They may have free counseling support for kids. You don't need to have gone through hospice to take advantage of their programs. |
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scrapbookwriter BucketHead PeaNut 314,427 May 2007 Posts: 794 Layouts: 0 Loc: Utah
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 10:01:35 AM
I am so sorry. Your message brought tears to my eyes. My heart goes out to you, your daughter and your family. Does your hospital have services available for children dealing with grief? Does your church have counseling services? I will be thinking of you today.
Connie | |
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Gravity PeaAddict PeaNut 371,428 April 2008 Posts: 1,771 Layouts: 0
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I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs)) | |
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gmcwife1 SamFan PeaNut 33,625 March 2002 Posts: 8,104 Layouts: 0 Loc: Washington State
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 12:16:37 PM
I am very sorry for your loss
The best thing I did for my ds when his sister passed away was getting him into counseling. I would recommend this for you and your dd.
~ Dori ~
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auntkelly BOOMER SOONER! PeaNut 142,266 April 2004 Posts: 8,270 Layouts: 0 Loc: Texas
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 12:35:27 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would see what grief counseling services your community offers. I would think group counseling would be really good for kids so they would see that other kids have the same feelings they do. You could ask your church for recommendations. |
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Mimima Stay Gold, Ponyboy PeaNut 41,779 July 2002 Posts: 32,686 Layouts: 58 Loc: The Left Coast
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 2:18:13 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss. May your sweet baby's Memory be Eternal. |
~Mimi
"She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain." - Louisa May Alcott | |
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SuPeaNatural PeaAddict PeaNut 412,905 February 2009 Posts: 1,650 Layouts: 5 Loc: Queensland, Australia
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 3:12:41 PM
I'm so sad for all of you.
I've had no experience in this type of loss, but it seems to me that you're doing the right things. Seeing a professional will help and the group counseling for children sounds like a good idea too.
(((hugs))) to your family. |
They're all crazy. They're all crazy except you and me. Sometimes I have my doubts about you! Martin - Dracula, 1931 | |
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jjpswife PeaFixture PeaNut 55,741 November 2002 Posts: 3,964 Layouts: 51 Loc: Out here in the middle...
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 4:19:28 PM
Oh my goodness. I am so very sorry for the loss your family has suffered. I can only imagine your tremendous sadness and grief.
I don't have much advie and didn't read the posts before mine. But I bet the Peas have offered some good suggestions.
I would just say that even though it might feel wrong, it's okay and good for your daughter to see you grieve. It will help her to know how to as well, and that her feelings of extreme sadness are normal and healthy.
Bless your hearts. I'll be thinking of you. |
Kathy
"Open up my head and let me out...little baby."
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cm_stephenson BucketHead PeaNut 211,645 June 2005 Posts: 602 Layouts: 22 Loc: Kirriemuir, Scotland
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 4:33:59 PM
Yamilka I am so sorry to hear about your loss and the grief you must all be suffering.
This organisaton is a UK group - I don't think they operate in other countries but they are online and they have resources specifically for bereaved children. Winston's Wish is very respected here and many children have been helped by them. Even if you are not able to access some of their services with your daughter they may well know of similar groups more local to you.
Cathy |
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There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. Edith Wharton
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Gynergy StuckOnPeas PeaNut 225,338 September 2005 Posts: 2,387 Layouts: 418 Loc: Georgia
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 4:43:49 PM
I'm so very sorry for your and your family's loss. (((Hugs)) and prayers.
I think that it might be helpful for your DD to have someone to talk with privately. Often when kids know that their parents are hurting, they will hold back in a way of trying to "protect" their parents. So whether it's a member of the clergy or another trusted adult or a counselor, I'd encourage you to find a grown up to help support DD.
Starting with your insurance company is a good idea. I would suggest asking for someone with experience/specialization in working with children, perhaps a play or art therapist, if there is one on your panel.
Also, there are 2 hospices here in Georgia that provide (free) camps for kids who have lost a loved one (parent, sibling, etc.). I referred a client to one in the past, and it was an extremely positive experience for her and her entire family. That might be something to seek out in the future. |
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zombie*grrl AncestralPea PeaNut 281,551 October 2006 Posts: 4,338 Layouts: 0
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No experience with this but I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and for the pain you and your family are going through.  | |
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moveablefeast do justice, love mercy PeaNut 265,707 June 2006 Posts: 11,231 Layouts: 0 Loc: Northern Virginia
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 5:00:45 PM
It's OK to cry in front of her when you talk about your baby.
It teaches her not to hide her pain - I learned to hide it from my family and spent my life unlearning that. It's better to show your grief. You might wish to moderate it in her presence, and not fall totally to pirces as you might in private, but if you talk about the baby with her and you cry, that is ok. It won't hurt her - it will help her. She will learn how to grieve from you.
I will second or third or whatever the recommendation for counseling. But go with her. Show her that you are not so impossibly immersed in your pain to help her with hers. | |
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Jenny Lilac For Esme with Love and Squalor PeaNut 45,964 August 2002 Posts: 11,639 Layouts: 276 Loc: Pioneer Valley, Massachusetts
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 5:15:44 PM
Wow - I am so sorry to hear about your losses! I think just being with her and loving her is the best thing you can do for her. Sometimes an explanation is not what's needed as much as just love, and I hope you can take some comfort in her love as well. |
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LottaFire PeaNut PeaNut 555,986 May 2012 Posts: 473 Layouts: 0
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I am so very sorry for your loss. | |
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lindywholoveskids Ancient Ancestor of Pea PeaNut 168,696 September 2004 Posts: 7,254 Layouts: 0 Loc: Northern California
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 8:01:46 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain of it.
I was in a group called SALT - support after neonatal death.
My DH and I went and discussed how to work through our grief, and how to talk to our daughter. She was younger than yours, so we kept it more brief.
We connected with other parents and in one case, 30 years later we are good friends.
I'd look in to services that have been suggested. It's always good to get help IMO . | |
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scrappychica22 Beeswax None of Yours Inc. PeaNut 166,112 September 2004 Posts: 6,130 Layouts: 110 Loc: In Utah...not eating Jello
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 9:07:01 PM
Im so so sorry for your loss. I wish there was more I could say or some advice to offer your family. But for now hug each other, support each other, and cry together if you want. Make sure she knows it's ok for her to feel upset. I hope you are all able to find some comfort. Sending you all hugs. |
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CarolT Slow Poke Pea PeaNut 857 June 1999 Posts: 5,130 Layouts: 37 Loc: Central Florida
 | Posted: 1/31/2013 9:29:36 PM
I would suggest calling the labor and delivery department of the hospital where you delivered and ask them if their is a social worker or family counselor to whom you could speak about grief counseling for your daughter.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby |
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scrappintoee luv my bulldoggies PeaNut 24,213 November 2001 Posts: 5,444 Layouts: 106
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I am so, so sorry for your losses!!! It sounds as though letting her talk and sleep with the blanket, and seeing you cry are all healthy things. Have you considered going to a support group and, if not comfortable in a group, maybe the 3 of you could go to grief counseling? (((( HUGS!!))))) | |
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