Found out my husband has been talking to escorts online. I'm devasted.

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Posted 1/30/2013 by anon23 in NSBR Board
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obliolait
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Posted: 1/31/2013 4:43:31 PM
if he hasn't been with a prostitute yet, maybe you could stomach saving your marriage especially if there are underage children involved. it is not enough, however, to simply write him off as immoral. he was likely driven to prostitution out of desperation - providing that this is his first ever attempt at a transgression. it may not have been your weight, but withholding sex or not being sweet and loving or being cold can do it.

mommythreee
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:32:12 PM
he hasn't been with a prostitute yet, maybe you could stomach saving your marriage especially if there are underage children involved. it is not enough, however, to simply write him off as immoral. he was likely driven to prostitution out of desperation - providing that this is his first ever attempt at a transgression. it may not have been your weight, but withholding sex or not being sweet and loving or being cold can do it.


WOW! what a load of crap that is! did you not read where she clearly states that she has initiated sex the last couple of times...and yeah, it certainly is immoral and she is not to blame for any of it. not being sweet and loving is also not a reason to look online for an escort! he's a grown man, a married man and a father...it's not all about him and his feelings! he should have considered what this would do to his wife and children. blaming her for his disgusting behavior is just wrong on every level.

Kelpea
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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:41:18 PM
OP, I wish we could all hug ya right now. Please listen to the Peas; re-read Trollie's post. Plain and simple.


he hasn't been with a prostitute yet, maybe you could stomach saving your marriage especially if there are underage children involved.

I'm kind of on the fence with this, as it seems to me this guy is a regular douchebag who, in the OP's own words, will likely be on the offense. Who would want to be with a man who would continue to behave that way and what kind of example would that show the children as to how a real relationship between two parents should work?

Perhaps counseling would work, but that would have to be pursued by both parties, and I'm wondering if this man could be even bothered if he's going to deflect, lie and put OP on the defensive.



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Posted: 1/31/2013 6:45:17 PM
I didn't see this yesterday, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. What a shock it must have been to discover those emails.
I agree with the others who posted that you need to get yourself tested. You need to take care of yourself and be safe & healthy.



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momofkandn
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:25:55 PM

he was likely driven to prostitution out of desperation - providing that this is his first ever attempt at a transgression. it may not have been your weight, but withholding sex or not being sweet and loving or being cold can do it.


This is total BS! You can't drive your spouse into an affair. That's a cheap excuse for horrible behavior. You can drive a spouse to want a divorce. But not an affair.

People who have affairs are selfish liars that lack empathy. They are looking to fulfill needs that their marriage can't fulfill but they aren't willing to give up the marriage either. They want their cake and eat it too. People who are truly unhappy in their marriage get divorced. People that have affairs are looking for a selfish way to feel better about themselves without giving up their spouse.

IleneTell
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:28:21 PM

if he hasn't been with a prostitute yet, maybe you could stomach saving your marriage especially if there are underage children involved. it is not enough, however, to simply write him off as immoral. he was likely driven to prostitution out of desperation - providing that this is his first ever attempt at a transgression. it may not have been your weight, but withholding sex or not being sweet and loving or being cold can do it.


Yes, becuase it's normal to turn to prostitution as the most sensible solution when one is feeling unloved by their wife Sounds like you're willing to put up with an awful lot in your relationships.



Me GOP
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:30:34 PM

he was likely driven to prostitution out of desperation


Yes, because even educated canadian men only think with one thing. For as smart as you believe you are, youngin, you are seriously wrong on this one.


Tracey

obliolait
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Posted: 1/31/2013 7:41:28 PM

You can't drive your spouse into an affair


you most certainly can

momofkandn
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:05:28 PM
No you can't drive them into an affair. You can drive them to want a divorce. But the affair is always the selfish choice of the person having it. It is never the fault of the betrayed spouse. Most unhappy marriages never have infidelity. And many people who have affairs will say they were happy with their spouse. If there are problems in a marriage then you fix them or get a divorce. An affair is never the answer.

What the hell is the point of marriage vows if its ok to go have an affair because you are feeling unloved. Saying your spouse drove you to it is a bullshit excuse for immoral behavior.
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obliolait
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:09:02 PM
Due to the frequent loss of parental rights and the tremendous financial burden, is it surprising that men seek female companionship outside of the marriage, rather than divorcing, when their wives become cold, fat, obsessed with the children/themselves etc? These are real issues and to put the blame squarely on the man for a disfunctional marriage is its death knell.

momofkandn
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:21:56 PM
And what about the women who have affairs? Are their husbands cold fat and obsessed with the kids?

Affairs have almost nothing to do with the physical satisfaction of sex. They are all about ego and a selfish need to keep their loving partner at home while they go out and have a good time.

And again, if a man is feeling truly unloved and is unhappy with his fat cold wife, he has a choice to get a divorce or have an affair. If he chooses the affair he's an asshole who doesn't care who he's hurting.

With that I'm done because this is no help to the OP.
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obliolait
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:26:28 PM

And what about the women who have affairs? Are their husbands cold fat and obsessed with the kids?

Affairs have almost nothing to do with the physical satisfaction of sex. They are all about ego and a selfish need to keep their loving partner at home while they go out and have a good time.

And again, if a man is feeling truly unloved and is unhappy with his fat cold wife, he has a choice to get a divorce or have an affair. If he chooses the affair he's an asshole who doesn't care who he's hurting.

With that I'm done because this is no help to the OP.


Affairs are often about physical satisfaction. The end.

woodysbetty
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:35:41 PM
I have no words.........just know that healing energy is being sent your way........you deserve better.....try to remember the future begins again tomorrow......hang in there! {{hugs!!}}


Marybeth

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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:41:55 PM

OP, I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.

As far as advice is concerned, you absolutely must do 3 things:
1)consult a lawyer to find out how to protect yourself and your children
2)find a counselor to help you sort out your thoughts and feelings
3)go to a doctor and get tested for STDs

Please know that you've done nothing to cause this situation. The fact that he's looking for pleasure outside of your marriage is about HIM, not about YOU.

You can't control him. You can only control you and your response to this situation. Since you have children at home you need to be sure that they are safe and that what they are exposed to is in line with your morals.

Sex with an escort is not a good example for an impressionable teenager. I realize that at this point they may be unaware of the details of what's going on in the marriage, but they most certainly know that there's touble in paradise.

Consult a lawyer and a counselor before you make any decisions.

You deserve so much more than a relationship with a man who seeks out the company of escorts. In my opinion, it would be better to be alone than to have to put up with that level of betrayal.

((HUGS))


redboots
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:51:55 PM
You have received some wonderful advice here (certain people's comments not withstanding).

I don't have anything to add, but wanted to send you many hugs. I can't imagine how devastated you feel, but I do hope that you will find some counseling for yourself and reclaim your self-esteem. You deserve to be treated well and honorably if that's what you're putting into your marriage (which it sounds like you have done). Period. This is not dependent on your weight, financial status or any other outside influences.

At the very least, if your weight was an issue for your husband, he owed it to you to be honest and supportive. Him seeking sex from prostitutes has NOTHING to do with you. Please disregard those who would say otherwise.

Quinlove
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Posted: 1/31/2013 8:59:29 PM
((( OP )))

Concerned for you. I realize that this can be very complicated and of course, extremely hurtful. You have gotten some great advice here. I hope you can come back and let us know how it is going.




~~ Marianne ~~


marmur1
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:04:30 PM
I'm so sorry. I've had a pit in my stomach just reading this thread. I can't imagine what you're going through.
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anon23
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:46:07 PM
Sorry I haven't been back today. It has been a rough day to say the least. My kids still don't know what is going on. I don't know what to say to them, especially my youngest who has been asking when daddy is coming home.

I asked him to leave last night after we spoke. He still denies going through with it. I don't know if I believe him but it really doesn't matter to me. I still feel betrayed. I've contacted my sisters and they have dropped everything to be with me. I'm feeling a bit better today that I will get through this. I called my OB/GYN and have an appt. tomorrow afternoon. Thank you so much for all your thoughts and prayers.

Mary Kay Lady
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Posted: 1/31/2013 9:52:14 PM

Thanks for updating us. I'm glad that your sisters are being so supportive and that you're able to get into see your doctor so quickly.

I'm thinking that you need to tell your kids something. You don't have to go into all the details at this point, but I think they need to know a bit of what is going on.

Maybe you could tell them that you and DH are having some problems in your relationship right now and are taking some time away from each other to sort things out and cool off.

I suggest that you tell your kids something because they obviously know that something is wrong. They may be imagining the worst and I just really think it's best to be up front with them. They don't need to know all the details at this point. Just a little explaination as to why DH is out of the picture for now.


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Posted: 1/31/2013 10:41:51 PM
I've been thinking about you since I read your OP.
Stay strong. I'm glad your sisters are with you.


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gottapeanow
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Posted: 1/31/2013 10:49:09 PM
Just seeing this.

I am so sorry. Sending hugs and prayers.

Lisa

IleneTell
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Posted: 1/31/2013 10:50:17 PM
So glad you have a good support system around you! Trust your gut feeling - if what he's saying doesn't ring true, then don't let him talk you into it.


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