My 13 y.o, DD has broken my heart this week. (Help me feel better, please).
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 1/31/2013 by shamrockpea in NSBR Board
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elaine226
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Posted: 2/1/2013 6:50:32 AM
Take her words lightly. My daughter is 32 and still here in our house.
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Tuva42
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:07:17 AM
At 18 I went off to a college 400 miles from home. I couldn't wait I was so excited. I wanted to go off someplace new and try new things. But I loved my parents. I adored them. But I couldn't wait to get out on my own and make my own decisions. Even if you are very close to your parents its hard to find out who you really are until you are making decisions every day without their input.

I think at 13 its very normal to want to be grown up and independent. Plus, when your DD says "all this" she isn't necessarily meaning you. Middle school sucks, getting away from that would be wonderful for most kids.


Laurie

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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:09:24 AM

Get a calendar and start tracking the days yourself. Say to her, "Oh, well, after your statement, I started to think of what life would be like when you were out of the house? Name a few simple things that you can do when she is not there. Less wash, maker her room into your craft room, sitting room, office, whatever, etc., so I thought I would count down the days also. Except put little smiley faces on your calendar! And actually count down the days. List by number. I don't know how many days it is, but let's say, 3254....start with that and each day go down a number. Act happy! Every so often, say, "Only so many more days until you are 18! and smile.

OP, please don't do this.

Sounds pretty age-appropriate to me, your dd's actions I mean. Just keep talking to her. My dd used to say that she was going to go to college "somewhere far away". And "I've lived my whole life right here and I want to live somewhere else." Because we live in Virginia where there are a lot of fabulous state colleges we told her (and ds) that we were prepared to cover the cost of a state school. If they wanted to go out of state that was fine but we had only saved enough for a state school, so we would pay up to that amount and they'd have to take loans/get a job to cover the rest. Dd decided that she didn't want to graduate with loans because she and two friends want to travel after college. Plus, she's realized that Virginia really is a big state and 3 hours from home is pretty far away. lol.

So just keep talking to your dd, about college and everything else. If she has her heart set on England you can explore semester-abroad programs or Gap year things or even college in England. I have a friend whose dd went to college in Switzerland. Sounds fabulous to me.

Even though we want to hold on to them we have to let go too. So we say "it'll be fun to go shopping to set up your dorm room" [and it will be fun] but we think "my baby! going to college! " lol.



beanbuddymom
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:16:52 AM
I'm surprised you take her seriously.

Have any of you had your 12/13 year old tell you "I hate you!" and stomp off to their rooms. Hello? Completely normal.

Followup in a month or so and if she is still actually counting the days then we may have an issue. But if this is a dramatic spout/announcement? Yeah we've all heard it.

Just like "Sally and I are BFF" on Monday. Tuesday I haer "I hate Sally" and then on Wed "Sally and I made up and are BFF again"

Seriously I don't even blink at dramatic outbursts like that. At ALL. I work around 12 and 13 year old girls every day. I hear moms say their girls say stuff like that ALL the time, and I hear it from my DD on occasion when she doesn't get her way. It's DRAMA. The shock effect.



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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:17:42 AM



My DD is in 8th grade. I feel like we get along really well and we don't have any big fights etc. This week she told me that she is counting the days until she is 18 and is "free". She said she can't wait until she can move away (hopefully to England) and be as far away from "all this" (she waved her hands around the house). I said "what do you mean, "all this" and she said everyone and everything.

I am devastated. She is tracking the actual number of days until she is 18. I feel like she hates us and when she is 18 she is going to move far far away and resent even talking to me.

I am incredibly sad and concerned about her mental health.

Is this normal or very strange?






I have two children, nearly 18 and 21. You CANNOT get up in arms and have your heart broken over something a 13 year old girl said unless it is 'I am going to kill myself' because truly, you will drive yourself nutty otherwise! You have five years left, at a minimum, before she spreads her wings and flies. It might be across town, could be across the ocean, but truly, you have to buck up and get a tougher skin or the next five will eat you alive.

I don't know many teens that did not 'count the days' at some point because the entire point of growing up is moving on and being the person you want to be. For some people that is in the same town they were raised in and for others with a severe case of wanderlust, it is anywhere BUT where they were raised.




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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:20:19 AM

Maybe do the flip side.

Get a calendar and start tracking the days yourself. Say to her, "Oh, well, after your statement, I started to think of what life would be like when you were out of the house? Name a few simple things that you can do when she is not there. Less wash, maker her room into your craft room, sitting room, office, whatever, etc., so I thought I would count down the days also. Except put little smiley faces on your calendar! And actually count down the days. List by number. I don't know how many days it is, but let's say, 3254....start with that and each day go down a number. Act happy! Every so often, say, "Only so many more days until you are 18! and smile.

Your daughter will get exactly how you felt when she feels the same way.


That's a disgusting idea. Who the f*** would suggest something so stupid, unless they actually wanted to destroy their relationship and be rid of their children. Seriously, this is the worst piece of advice if you want a relationship with a child. I've never heard of parenting being a tit for tat situation. But apparently the writer of this "suggestion" thinks it's so.

I think every teenage child says this to their parents. It's so normal. I know my nieces and nephews said it, their friends said it, I said it and all my friends said it. And while it's not the prettiest thing to say, it's all part of teenagers trying to figure who the hell they are and how they fit into the world. Should she have said it? Probably not... but that's from an adult's point of view, not the milieu she's coming from. Try not to take it too much to heart.

beanbuddymom
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:20:34 AM
^^ What Shi Tzu mommy said as well -



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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:36:12 AM
Normal. She's doing what she is supposed to do...begin the process of leaving. It takes years and it is sometimes messy and hurtful, but it's the process they go through.

Give yourself the time to "cry" about it in private...it's normal to grieve the change from your sweet baby to the adolescent.

It's time to start memorizing a few phrases...when she asks you a question, you ask her one back...

"...and how do you think you should handle that to get the best results?"

"What do YOU think is the best solution?"

Her ideas may not always be the best, but letting her verbalize one is always a good start. It let's her know you trust her thought process. It will help her feel comfortable asking YOU for advice.

My DD is in her 30s and can't believe she acted the way she did toward us, but, she always came to us when the going got tuff for her. WE were the ones she came to for advice, because she knew we would listen. She learned that when her rants were directed at us, we were just a sounding board...then when she was calm and asked us for advice, we first let her come up with solutions. She was even more willing to hear us, when we were willing to hear her.

Again, it is a volatile time, but YOU are her buffer to her raging feelings. Also keep track of her out bursts on the calendar so you can track her period. And track it in a way she doesn't know what it is for. It will give you a heads up for monthly outbursts. You may find you are on the same cycle and more vulnerable to hurt feelings. Ask me how I know? My DDs cycle started at 10 years old, without her menses beginning until she was almost 12. I took her in for therapy and found it was just her cycle, coupled with adolescence.

Hugs.

She wants to be the "boss of her"...now...before it is really time to be. It's time to let her have her own feelings...out loud. (not disrespectful words, but outbursts of feelings. When DD tried to use "ugly" words to express herself, we told her to go to her room and shout whatever into her pillow. We can't keep them from thinking things, but we don't have to put up with use of bad language...just outbursts that get it all out.

Let her vent. Let her hang her hair down at home, rather than outside the house. Let her know YOU are her soft place to fall. Let her know you think she is capable of making decisions like moving to England when she is 18. "Good plan. Let's talk about that when you are ready to talk."


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UkSue
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:55:19 AM
My daughter has told me she felt like this about that age or little older. There was a lot of stress going on in the house at the time due to two court cases and I was frazzled and obviously not keeping it from the kids as well as I thought I was. I was also a very anxious parent and probably too controlling - when her friends started going to clubs and bars at about 15 I didn't let her, obviously, however her friends never did anything else, so it meant she had no social life.

I knew she couldn't wait to get to Uni and chose a course that would lead to her spending a year at Uni in Spain mid course, but didn't realise this was also part of her 'escape' plan.

One thing I will say is that we remained close and are now even closer still. She is living back home aged 22 and says she feels she can tell me everything. Se has had a couple of awful experiences that I have done my best to support her through, and we enjoy each otters company now.

I would advise you not to take this too much to heart. Teenagers are like very young children, in that they are very egotistical. Everything is about them, and if you keep telling her she has upset you, then all she will think is that you are making it all about you, when it should be all about her, lol.

Maybe you would find this book useful

'How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk'

It has really helped me with my relationship with my oldest son.



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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:27:35 AM
It's normal.

Rhondito
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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:58:57 AM
SO normal.
My daughter has said that, and still does at times. While she means it at the time, she doesn't REALLY mean it.
Just take it with a grain of salt.


Rhonda



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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:06:04 AM
OP, I think you are taking her comments WAY too much to heart.

This is her JOB right now. Developmentally, it is her job to start mentally and emotionally separating from you.

She isn't the girl she was when she was ten and she was all yours. Seriously, I suggest you recalibrate your expectations of the teen years. If you are this tenderhearted to every comment she makes, you will not be able to parent from a position of strength and authority. Read some books on teen development so you can separate things out.

EG, my 15 yo stepson fought with his mother last night, and stormed out of the house and walked around the neighborhood. His mom was livid. His dad texted him to be home within half an hour, and he was. Me? I thought for a 15 yo boy, with all the explositivity that involves, leaving and going for a walk was a great choice and age-appropriate. Of course, I have more emotional distance than his mom does, but I have also lived with teenagers for twenty-plus years as a teacher.

Head to the library. Seriously.


"The sharpest criticism often goes hand in hand with the deepest idealism and love of country." - Robert F. Kennedy

Rhondito
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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:12:13 AM

Have any of you had your 12/13 year old tell you "I hate you!" and stomp off to their rooms.


My daughter will say, "I don't hate you, but I really don't like you right now!"


Rhonda



MergeLeft
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Posted: 2/1/2013 9:22:26 AM

At that age I was going to go to New York City and get out of my POS small town. There were days I "hated" my mom and couldn't wait to get away.


Same here. New York, Broadway, as far away from Nebraska as possible, and I was never going to get married and have kids and have a boring life like my mom's. Total teenage drama queen stuff.

She'll outgrow it. The worst thing you can do is to play into her drama. Just nod and smile and tomorrow's drama will be something else.



not2peased
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Posted: 2/1/2013 10:00:56 AM

I am so sad I can barely function.


I think it's clear where she gets the histrionics from

you are in for a lot of pain and suffering if the rantings of a teenager get you so upset you can't function


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Posted: 2/1/2013 10:02:33 AM
I didn't read every response. But when I was a teen I was going to move to New York City. Far away from my parents.

Long story short...they moved away....guess when I am.......half hour away from them.

My sister lives 10 states away. I always thought she'd take care of my parents and I'd be the successful magazine editor. I knew SO much when I was a tween!

Good luck with her. Maybe a shopping and talking trip?



KikiNichole

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Posted: 2/1/2013 10:08:39 AM
Let me just say this:

I heard almost those exact words from the time my daughter was 12 until she left for college. She hated it here...couldn't wait to get away. It was 'repressive' and 'suffocating' and when she finally got away, she wasn't ever coming back.

She's 24 years old now, finished with college...and lives 15 minutes down the road. Oh, and the best part? She teaches 7th graders...25 hormonal, dramatic know it alls...I can't think of a better payback.

In my experience, girls are often worse than boys at these little drama fests...but just so you know, you don't get off scott free with the boys either.

I came downstairs a couple of months ago to find this sweet little message left on the kitchen memo board from my teenage son:



You can't cry...you just have to laugh.


~Kristen~

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Posted: 2/1/2013 10:12:50 AM
Oh Kristen that's freakin' hilarious. And yeah, one must laugh or one will not survive.



Darcy_Collins
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Posted: 2/1/2013 10:28:44 AM
It's clear that you've internalized "everyone and everything." Just to give you something to consider. I found junior high to be hell - it was the absolute worst 2 years of my life - and I've had some serious challenges in my life. But junior high - yowzers the kids were AWFUL!!!! It was day after day of utter torment to walk those halls. If she is experiencing even a bit of the girl drama of jr high - she may have just been venting. I too wanted to be free of that school, that town and everyone in it. It had pretty much nothing to do with my parents - other than the fact they had chosen to live in that town.

And for the record - yes I did go far, far away when I turned 18. It was the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. I'm really glad that my parents realized that I needed to spread my wings and find where I belonged in the world and it wasn't a reflection on them. And for the record - my mom is still my best friend - even if we don't live in the same state.






TheSeabee&Me
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Posted: 2/1/2013 10:56:02 AM

Normal. And good job. Your goal as a parent is to raise a child with the confidence and independence to leave home.


That's what I was thinking when I read your post. I'm sorry you're sad, but you're doing a good job parenting your DD. She's feeling independent and brave. She isn't clinging to your skirts hiding from the world. She wants to get out in it and experience life. She's all those things because you've given her wings.

Remember, our children are sometimes at their most unlovable around us because they know it's safe. We are going to love them regardless of their outbursts, hug them when they are overwhelmed and guide them through and out of the dark pit of puberty. No one else is going to love them through their crazy like their mom.

Smile, OP. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep talking to her about her future, where she wants to go, what she wants to do, what her dreams are. Dream with her. Let her see that you're proud of her for wanting to be an independent adult. Keep loving on her through her storms. You'll probably be invited to come visit wherever life takes her because you didn't hold her back and encouraged her to grab on to life with both hands.

writermom1
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Posted: 2/1/2013 11:38:34 AM
Reading these is helpful.

Anyone notice how the dramatic statements are always of the Amazing Things and Amazing Places someone is going? NYC, England, etc.

Where is the kid saying "I can't wait to grow up and become a middle-management yes man in Boise!"





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Posted: 2/1/2013 1:38:22 PM

Where is the kid saying "I can't wait to grow up and become a middle-management yes man in Boise!"




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megmc
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Posted: 2/1/2013 2:13:44 PM
Get an bag and help her pack?

You might be surprised at the conversation you start with her.







MommaHo
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Posted: 2/1/2013 2:25:28 PM
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I heard that and so much more from our youngest DD (we have three daughters)- she would rant and rave from about age 11 until about 23! She would carry on about needing to be independent and getting away. She felt we owed her an education and wordly possessions.

We set guidelines, no matter what she said to me I told her Well I love you anyway. SHe came around and your DD will too - it makes us all stronger!



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Posted: 2/1/2013 2:44:44 PM

"That sounds so exciting! How will you make this happen? What are your plans for getting there? I'd love to help you. We can start looking at colleges or study programs. There might be exchange student opportunities we can help you get into. We can look for jobs you can start working to start putting away some money. Please let me know if I can help you in any way. Your dream sounds so cool and I'm so excited for your plans!"


I love this! That's a very productive way of putting all the emotions aside for a time and beginning a meaningful talk about something that's very important to your daughter.






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Posted: 2/1/2013 3:05:01 PM

Get a calendar and start tracking the days yourself. Say to her, "Oh, well, after your statement, I started to think of what life would be like when you were out of the house? Name a few simple things that you can do when she is not there. Less wash, maker her room into your craft room, sitting room, office, whatever, etc., so I thought I would count down the days also. Except put little smiley faces on your calendar! And actually count down the days. List by number. I don't know how many days it is, but let's say, 3254....start with that and each day go down a number. Act happy! Every so often, say, "Only so many more days until you are 18! and smile.

Your daughter will get exactly how you felt when she feels the same way.

That's a disgusting idea. Who the f*** would suggest something so stupid, unless they actually wanted to destroy their relationship and be rid of their children. Seriously, this is the worst piece of advice if you want a relationship with a child. I've never heard of parenting being a tit for tat situation. But apparently the writer of this "suggestion" thinks it's so.



You never heard of a parent saying to their 3 year, who is going to run away from home 'Here, I'll help you pack?' This is not a whole lot different. Unless your little snowflake is so sensitive they can't handle a little of the same medicine they are handing out.

Are you suggesting that when a 13 year old says I hate you, I can't wait to be somewhere else, I'm counting the days until I can leave here, that a parent should go do angst over it and somehow allow this nonsense to go on? I would evaluate the situation and IF there's a serious issue with child, trouble at school, not getting along with a sibling etc. then of course, handle it delicately....but a your average, well loved, hormonal teenager does this for drama and attention. A little of the same, fed back to them, can help them see how they are being overly dramatic.

In your book I'd probably qualify as the worst mother ever...when my kids did stuff like this I'd tell them 'Don't forget to write, make sure you finish college and don't get married too young, I'll miss you' Or I'd ask if they were taking their big TV cuz I'd like to put it in the spare room for guests. My kids are perfectly well balanced, but they also don't get to be mean or nasty with their drama, and get away with it...I can deal with their drama, sympathize with it to a certain extent, but it's never going to become a lifestyle, not in my house. anyway.


A Complicated Lady
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Posted: 2/1/2013 3:05:28 PM

Have any of you had your 12/13 year old tell you "I hate you!" and stomp off to their rooms.



My MIL told us a funny story. She said something similar to her mother, and her mother's response was "That's ok. I love you enough for both of us."

At the time, she said it made her even more mad, but now she realizes what a great response it was.

OP--this is really a molehill. Don't make a mountain out of it. This too shall pass.


***Dana***

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Posted: 2/1/2013 3:12:51 PM

Unless your little snowflake is so sensitive they can't handle a little of the same medicine they are handing out.
Yeah. By definition, they are all sensitive. And won't understand that it's the same thing. They aren't cognitively or emotionally equipped for that at that point.

And I don't think it's fair to make the other option to kowtow to her histrionics, when nearly EVERY poster has advocated another way: to bring down the emotional volatility in the home, not to match it.

I guess it depends on your goal. If your goal is to help your daughter through a challenging time, and learn to modulate her emotions and words, responding cruelly isn't the right tool. They need assurance that they can have space and still have your love and support.


"The sharpest criticism often goes hand in hand with the deepest idealism and love of country." - Robert F. Kennedy

emmafrost
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Posted: 2/1/2013 3:39:09 PM
An 8th grader who is contemplating life away from their parents is normal, healthy and not neccessarily a reflection of wanting to be rid of their lifestyle with their parents. I would encourage her to get information on living abroad, brochures from colleges in England, how much it costs to live there etc., as well as other places of interest, hopefully, closer to home. My teen girls are full of drama. You really have to not make things about you but to direct the focus back to them to help them solve their problems.







AngelJunkie
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Posted: 2/1/2013 4:24:35 PM
I laughed at Kimberly38's suggestion. So tongue-in-check. Sarcasm floated at our house as well when the kids were teens. They grew up to be good human beings and great parents as well.

ETA: OP, this is very common for that age group. If there are other, um, worrisome things about your pre-teen, then follow up. Otherwise, close the safety bar and hang on for the ride!


Lois

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Posted: 2/1/2013 5:01:14 PM
Great responses! Especially Julee's and others that say act excited about it! Turn it around on her. Make her feel bad. Then hopefully that will get her to think about what she says.

But as I said earlier, sounds like typical teen boy/girl behavior.

Flypea1
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Posted: 2/1/2013 5:18:19 PM
My oldest DD said that to me Now she loves to come home and let me take care of her. Middle DD was never like that. My SD who is 14 doesn't seem to ever want to leave LOL

She talks about living with us forever I know she will leave the nest too one day.

shirt
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:02:29 PM
Both my girls said that at that age - they are now 17 & 19. They were going far, far away. Guess what? Oldest one goes to school 1.5 hours away and when it came time to pick a college, she was worried that that was too far away Youngest was going to California and last year it was Chicago. The college she picked for next year is 3 hours away but still in our home state.

Kids that age can be dramatic. Doesn't mean they hate their families. This a part of growing up. OP, you have to learn not to take it so personally. Like others have said, it will be a really bumpy ride if you don't.

I don't like the suggestion of throwing it back at them - ie. I'm counting down the days until you leave. Really? Who is the adult and who is the kid? I do like the suggestion about talking about her future with her. What does she want to do? Go? I have had some nice discussions with my girls about their futures. They both wanted to go to Paris and youngest wanted to go to London. We were able to go on a family trip to see both 2 years ago. Both my girls want to go to Japan. We are encouraging them to look into through their universities.

My youngest tells us several times a week how she can't wait to leave for college. I am not hurt by that. I know that most of her friends graduated last year so she really only has 3 friends right now. Most of her friends have moved on already.


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AncestralPea

PeaNut 471,633
June 2010
Posts: 4,806
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:23:36 PM

Who is the adult and who is the kid?


Yes! I agree with Shirt. The best way to teach your kids good parenting skills is to be a parent.

A mature,emotionally developed adult with life experience and life skills. To reduce yourself to the emotional level of a 14 year old is immature and counterproductive..

moodyblue
PeaAddict

PeaNut 346,032
November 2007
Posts: 1,954
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Posted: 2/1/2013 7:48:02 PM
Nowhere in your post was anything to indicate this is more than normal teenage response, and certainly not anything that would set off alarms about her mental health. There doesn't have to be any anger in that kind of statement either. Your response is over the top.

lilypad
BucketHead

PeaNut 45,143
August 2002
Posts: 643
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Posted: 2/1/2013 8:18:07 PM
While my DD never said she was counting down the days until she could leave exactly she did say hurtful things to me when she was about your DD's age and beyond. Things will likely get better but it these are hard years..especially with girls in my experience.
Now my DD is 19 and 1000 miles away at college. We talk or text about 3 or 4 times a week and she counts down the days until breaks. Although I think that has a lot to do with seeing her friends from home
My advice is to try not to take it too personally(I know its hard)and make sure she knows that she can talk to you about what is troubling her without worrying you'll go off the deep end.

HannahRuth
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 169,795
September 2004
Posts: 2,957
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Loc: Adelaide, Australia

Posted: 2/1/2013 9:04:54 PM


OP, I will try to say this gently. If you're taking your DD's fairly mild teen angst THIS hard now, you are never going to survive her entire adolescence

that^^^

As a mother of a now adult DD I will add as other have that this is quite normal behaviour and imho I think you have over reacted and need to get over it. She is 13 and there is a long was to go before she can leave home and there will be lots of other battles to get through before she gets there. This is just the first by the sounds of things.

Don't let her see you react with such pain or she will be using this type of 'threat' for ever!

Good luck and hugs - you will get thruogh it.

scrappy_princess
Jewelry Lady Pea

PeaNut 100,675
August 2003
Posts: 6,926
Layouts: 5
Loc: Northern California

Posted: 2/1/2013 9:50:02 PM
She's 13. I think the sentiments she expressed are normal for that age.

What I don't think is normal is your outsized reaction. You are being really dramatic here, especially questioning her mental health. Keep being so over the top and you just might find that your daughter won't want to speak to you when she's older.
-----------------------
I agree- I think you response is what is heartbreaking. I certainly hope you just brought the drama here and didn't show your daughter this.


*betsey*
Jewelry Lady by trade... if you need some bling, give me a ring!
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doesitmatter?
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 509,811
May 2011
Posts: 6,534
Layouts: 27

Posted: 2/2/2013 1:56:06 AM
I think she's 13 and like most girls her age - over dramatic. I know it hurt you, but I'm sure this will pass. I know I felt much like her at 13 but now as an adult I am very close with my family. I grew up, she will too.


Child of God, follower of Jesus, and so thankful for His presence in my life <><
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