S/O Baby shower for third child WDTPT?

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Posted 2/3/2013 by susans sister in NSBR Board
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AmeliaBloomer
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:42:57 AM
Interesting. I've bought a gift for s second (third, fourth, fifth) baby, but I've never known anyone to host a shower for non-firsts.

ETA: ^^^ this isn't my answer to the OP. Scrapsuzy answered a question of mine about people regularly hosting baby showers for non-firsts, which is an unfamiliar concept for me.


mlana
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Posted: 2/4/2013 12:55:35 AM
My kids were almost 8 years apart and different sexes. Since I had not planned to have any more children, most of my baby stuff had long since been handed down to other family members. My friends and family gave me a wonderful shower where they happily teased me about 'not knowing how babies were made,' since I had been so vocal about not having anymore children. LOL

Being that her youngest is that old, I would not expect her to have anything baby left, so I would definitely want to do a shower for her.

Marcy



SuPeaNatural
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Posted: 2/4/2013 2:59:54 AM
Perfectly OK to have a shower. But then, I've never understood why some poeple find it 'tacky' or not OK or for subsequent babies to have a shower.

Why should only the first baby get all the fuss and gifts. Every baby is special and deserves it's own shower, no matter how old the mother, the age gap between siblings or whether it's the 1st or the 10th. Just MHO.



klnor
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Posted: 2/4/2013 3:20:31 AM
Yes, I would happily buy her a gift! I can't imagine that she has kept anything from her other kids so she's going to need everything!
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recap.pea
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:31:56 AM
Sure, it is okay. Congrats to your DD


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thepinkkitchen
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:06:27 AM
I don't understand not celebrating every baby & having a rule of when not to celebrate a birth.

The only thing I think might be tacky for a baby shower, is a recent thread where the dad asked for "no handmade gifts, so they could take it all back & get the money". Or when the mom-to-be acts ridiculous & greedy. It's the behavior that I find tacky, not the fact of multiple baby showers.




batya
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:12:18 AM
ALL my babies were celebrated. I always got gifts. Though gifts were never the measure of how my babies were celebrated. I never had a shower.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




Captain K
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:13:57 AM
In this circumstance, I think a shower is okay, although not ideal. A friend should throw it for her, not you or a family member.

How far along is she?

In these kinds of situations, I do prefer a shower **after** the baby is born - more of a 'Come see the baby' and most people bring gifts anyway. I understand most people want to get items before the baby is born, but maybe you could help out purchasing the few key things before the baby comes - they really don't need that much. And then all the cute clothes and toys and shower gifts could come after the baby is born.

myboysnme
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:15:04 AM

Every baby is special and deserves it's own shower,


Um, the shower is for the mom, not for the baby. The baby needs not much at all and doesn't even know it is taking place. A shower was not created to welcome a baby, it was to provide the mom with things she needs to bring the baby home.

Yes, it has evolved into a welcome to the world party as evidenced by many posters here, but that is not what it was for decades before the last 2 or 3. But then, it's my observation that there is always an occasion for a gift grab these days.


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Dalai Mama
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:37:02 AM

Um, the shower is for the mom, not for the baby. The baby needs not much at all and doesn't even know it is taking place. A shower was not created to welcome a baby, it was to provide the mom with things she needs to bring the baby home.
The shower is for whatever you want a shower to be for.

Celebrate the mom, celebrate the baby, bring a gift, don't bring a gift. People are just wound way too tight over this issue.


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OSUBuckeyeFan
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:45:16 AM
I think in this case it's perfectly ok to have another baby shower.




hilsmom
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Posted: 2/4/2013 7:48:36 AM
Congratulations, OP! I am sure you are looking forward to the arrival of your new grandchild! And yes, I would think a shower for mommy and baby would be completely appropriate, and from the sound of it, appreciated.


Happiness looks good on everyone!

MetalDancer
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Posted: 2/4/2013 9:02:43 AM

Give the woman a shower. I can't imagine restarting at 43 with two big kids. That alone makes her deserve one!


Exactly what I was thinking. I love shopping for baby showers...I get a chance to see all the cute, new things that are out there now. My DS is almost 25, so I won't be purchasing baby things for me. Maybe for HIM sometime in the future!


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Dalai Mama
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:36:04 AM

Yes, by all means have a shower for each and every child, because we all know that unless a party is thrown for the mom to open gifts, the baby is not being celebrated and will likely need therapy to compensate for their uncelebrated arrival into the world.
Like I said, wound too tight. FTR, nobody here has said that choosing not to have a shower is wrong. Just that deciding to have a shower for subsequent kids is also fine.


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scrappower
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Posted: 2/4/2013 10:50:34 AM

Please tell me that someone who is not a close family member will be hosting. Because, also traditionally, a family took care of the needs of its members, like clothes and diapers for a new baby, and didn't ask the community of friends and acquaintances to pitch in. Graciously accepting help and gifts offered is one thing, going out and throwing a party for the purpose of collecting gifts for one's close relative is quite another.


Etiquette and times change. Some of us don't get all caught up on the "rules". But go on and be offended because a family member might throw a loved one a shower. Not everyone has close friends outside of their close family. *gasp* how horrible.



msntlm
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:11:07 AM
I LOVE baby showers! I don't care how many you've had, or if you're adopting, or if a baby dropped out of the sky into your lap-plan a party (or I'll do it for you!) lol!

I'm happy to celebrate anything with gifts though-birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc so maybe I'm just odd!
Congrats!!
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divinghkns
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:36:16 AM

Perfectly OK to have a shower. But then, I've never understood why some poeple find it 'tacky' or not OK or for subsequent babies to have a shower.


Personally, I'm not opposed to showers for additional children. When people invite me, I'm excited to spend time with my friends and for an excuse to buy baby things. Having said that, unless I had an exceptional circumstance, I would feel uncomfortable if someone had a shower for me fter the first. That's just me though.

I think what people are opposed to, if they are opposed to showers for 2nd, 3rd, etc. babies, is the big shower where you invite every woman you know...church ladies, work ladies, all female relatives from the extended family, etc.

In my circle of friends, the first baby always gets a big shower and that is the one the MTB's mom and MIL come to, as well as the MTB's sisters, close female cousins, close female colleagues and friends, etc. There's gifts, games, door prizes, decorations, food, formal invites, etc.

Then for subsequent babies just the handful of us that are really close get together for a girls dinner or weekend. We do usually shower the MTB with gifts for herself and the new baby, and we either treat her to dinner or something special over the weekend we are together but we don't involve a big group of people. The MTB doesn't typically register for anything before this girls time out. And this what we all have agreed to do and enjoy doing.

I'm not saying our way is right for everyone, but it works for us. But to answer your question...I think that's where some people draw the line...when you say "shower" to me it implies invitations, decorations, food and drink, lots of gifts, a big circle of friends, family, and aquaintances and for some people that gets to be a lot for someone who has lots of children and then has a shower of this magnitude everytime.

Personally, I love buying baby things and I know just how precious each of my friends' children are to them, so I would buy them a gift whether there was a shower, or informal gathering or nothing at all.






Newbie2
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Posted: 2/4/2013 11:45:29 AM

The shower is for whatever you want a shower to be for.

Celebrate the mom, celebrate the baby, bring a gift, don't bring a gift. People are just wound way too tight over this issue.


^^I agree with the above.

If you don't think that person should be having a shower for their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc (no matter how close together), then don't go.

I have absolutely no problem with any and all baby showers!


LottaFire
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Posted: 2/4/2013 4:45:37 PM
Personally, I think it's fine. If people don't agree, they don't have to attend!

angievp
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:15:33 PM
I agree with GrinningCat. A baby requires a celebration, whether you are the richest person on earth or whether you are as poor as a church mouse.

It's highly presumptuous to think you know what others "don't need," just because you didn't need them, and not everyone uses second-hand stuff,especially for babies.

I say a shower.

WorkingClassDog
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:23:15 PM
I had one.. it was obvious that I didn't plan for the surprise baby.. my church and work both threw me a shower. I never asked for one either. I thought it was nice and a great gesture.

I never get why it is such a 'thing' here about multiple showers.. I just think it is a nice thing to do, if it is your first or third. I do think that when the kids are close in age, the second or third can be something more along the lines of gift cards/diapers... stuff like that. But to celebrate a baby is always a good thing.



JenKate77
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:30:39 PM
I'm 35. My children are (almost) 11 and 13. If I was to get pregnant again, there had BETTER be a shower.

Or two. One here with my friends and one at home with family.

Have a shower or have a friend throw her one. Either way!

JBeans
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:36:19 PM

Yes, by all means have a shower for each and every child, because we all know that unless a party is thrown for the mom to open gifts, the baby is not being celebrated and will likely need therapy to compensate for their uncelebrated arrival into the world.


Oh FFS, how painful is it to go out and buy a $10 sleeper, put a smile on your face and be social for an afternoon?
I swear the way some of the peas carry on about this subject, you'd think that a simple invite meant an afternoon of killing puppies or something equally aggregious.


Well Peas, I believe this thread has gone Thrusday.
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Sierramoon
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Posted: 2/4/2013 5:43:34 PM
I think every pregnancy should have a shower. Even if she had a lot of baby stuff, she would still need diapers, at least!




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joscraps
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Posted: 2/5/2013 8:13:57 AM
I think she deserves a bath not a shower!! Hope she has a lovely one and good luck with everything!


Jo


twinsmom-fla99
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Posted: 2/5/2013 10:17:39 AM
I am old enough to remember when no self-respecting woman would allow anyone to throw a shower for a second baby, nor would a family member even dream of throwing the shower. The thought of being that "tacky woman with all the baby showers" was just too much to bear. That was seen as a blatant "gift grab" before we even knew the term "gift grab" LOL.

Traditionally, the purpose of a baby shower was to help a first time mother prepare for her bundle of joy by giving her gifts of the essential items she was soon going to need. Much like a wedding shower prepares the bride for a new "role" in life as a wife, a baby shower was supposed to prepare a woman for her new "role" as a mother. Both were sort of a "right of passage" for women.

Once she had all the essentials for the first baby, it was assumed that she would save those to use for the second, third, fourth, etc. so no further showers were needed. Upon the birth of subsequent children, close friends and relatives might choose to give a baby gift, but it was up to them.

Times do change, and I understand that there isn't necessarily a hard and fast rule against baby showers for additional children. However, when you receive an invitation to a shower, it is understood that a gift is EXPECTED if you attend. That is what sort of turns some of us off on the showers for second babies. I hate getting an invitation for a second baby shower for someone I know on a pretty casual basis (i.e. a neighbor that I know in passing but don't socialize with) or a distant relative I see only on rare occassions. These are not people I would choose to give a gift to after the baby is born, and I decline invitations to those showers. I cannot tell you how many time the response to my declining an invitation has been "you can drop the gift off with me the day before the shower."

I also dislike the assumption that it is up to the community to provide diapers/wipes for the new addition. If they can't afford diapers and wipes, they should have been a little more cautious in expanding the family.

I realize that some pregnancies are unexpected and that sometimes a family has a real need. In that case, I don't mind helping out.

But when you know they have been actively trying to have another child (because in this day and age, it seems like everyone likes to overshare about such matters LOL)? I don't care what they might "need" for the second baby--unless the couple is a close family member or close friend, I'm not buying another gift.

There are a couple of other exceptions to the "no second shower rule" that don't bother me.

1. Huge gap in the ages of the kids, i.e. very unexpected pregnancy later in life. In that case, it isn't about the family's "need" since it is assumed they are established and can afford baby items. Instead, it is all about supporting someone who thought her life with babies was over until grandchildren arrived. It can be pretty traumatic for a woman to find out she is pregnant again when she has been teaching her other kids to drive and filling out college applications. While she may be over the moon happy about the baby, it is still a very scary time to be pregnant, and a shower might be just the thing she needs emotionally.

2. Exceptional circumstances where the family's need is much greater due to job loss, death in the family, or serious illness. I have gladly participated in showers for two families in this kind of situation. In one situation, the husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor when the wife was about 5 months pregnant. They were facing a lot of hospital bills, and he was on sick leave for quite some time. It was a very stressful time for them, and I was happy to participate in an event that let them know we were there for them. One neighbor took on the role of "meal coordinator" and solicited volunteers at the shower for preparing meals after the baby was born, and another took on the challenge of lining up baby-sitters for the older child when the baby was born. I didn't look at this as a baby shower but rather as a "how can we help you during this difficult time" shower.

3. A co-worker's baby shower for a second baby IF she has not already had a work shower. At my school, each grade level was responsible for hosting a baby shower for any mom-to-be on its team. It didn't matter if it was a first baby or fifth baby, she got a shower as long as she hadn't already had a shower at work for one of the previous kids. So if you started work at our school with one child and got pregnant during the school year, you would get a shower. If you got pregnant two years later with a third child, you would not get another shower. (I assume we would have done the same for fathers-to-be, but since we rarely had a male teacher at the elementary level, I never experienced it.)

Epeanymous
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Posted: 2/5/2013 10:29:57 AM
Eh, I am forty, my friends threw me a shower for #2 seven years ago, and it never even occurred to me that it would be a problem. My first shower had been four years earlier, 1000 miles away, with a different-sex baby, so maybe it is ok with peas who oppose such things? The organizers were colleagues, and I certainly didn't ask or suggest that they throw fun. To my understanding, they thought it would be ... fun.

Anyhow, an attitude of entitlement is unpleasant whether it is baby #1, #3, or #7. I don't see any issues with throwing a shower under the circumstances you describe, and in general happily show up for showers for subsequent babies, as long as no one is going to make me balance cottonballs on a spoon or whatever. (Then I show up, just not happily).
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