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enjoytotheend
AncestralPea
PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
Posts: 4,031
Layouts: 0
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As most of you know my grandma died Thursday night. Her sons decided they will not pay for the burial or cremation at all. I am livid. They treated her like crap so why should this be any different but I feel like I have to get this figured out. And I want to scream.
Anyway I just thought maybe someone on here could understand. Just because I am angry it won't make me an angry person as long as I don't let it fester. I spent my whole life avoiding anger and it turned into depression (anger turned inward turns to depression). I am tired of people telling me I lack faith or I need to forgive. I WILL forgive. It's a process. I am by nature a very forgiving woman and I don't get angry often. I know I have to walk through this to get to the other side. Just venting I guess. | |
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Annabella
Leads a Charmed Life
PeaNut 43,843
July 2002
Posts: 42,250
Layouts: 46
Loc: East Coast
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What were her instructions once she passes? Is it a money issue? My mother wants her body donated to science. |
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bbkieffer
PeaAddict
PeaNut 284,458
November 2006
Posts: 1,173
Layouts: 4
Loc: Minnesota
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 10:36:17 AM
((((Hugs))) |
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hilsmom
Professional Hobbyist
PeaNut 292,577
January 2007
Posts: 5,245
Layouts: 50
Loc: In the deep-fried south.
| Posted: 2/4/2013 10:38:09 AM
You have every single right to be pissed, and you will let go of your anger in your own time. I don't necessarily think anger in itself is a bad thing, it's what you DO about that anger that counts. As long as you are not going around hurting people because of it, well, then you feel how you feel until you feel better. ((((Hugs))))
By the way, just because someone is "family" doesn't mean you should be forced to forgive or overlook. |
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eebud
Doxie Pea Mom
PeaNut 52,841
October 2002
Posts: 31,003
Layouts: 25
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recap.pea
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 288,074
December 2006
Posts: 2,978
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 10:43:12 AM
I didn't know your grandmother passed away - I'm sorry for your loss. | |
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Mallie
BucketHead
PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
Posts: 693
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 10:48:48 AM
I know how you feel. When my grandmother died, my siblings and I paid for her funeral. My aunts/uncles had no issues with their mother, they were too freaking cheap to pay for her funeral. They also never thanked us in any way for paying for and organizing it.
You have a right to be angry and it's on your schedule when you'll get over it. Anyone who tells you otherwise can offer to pay up in your stead. | |
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msorange
PeaNut
PeaNut 475,342
July 2010
Posts: 191
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 10:54:04 AM
I understand. My Dad is in hospice now, and there are jaw-dropping family antics going on. It's hard to understand why people are such jerks sometimes. And having just arranged the small funeral Dad tells me he wants, I know how astounding the costs are. It's hard not to explode with anger.
The only good thing is that you will carry the love and closeness you have with your grandmother with you for the rest of your life. Karma will deal with your jerk uncles the same way it will deal with my appalling relative.
Be as angry as you need to be now. As you said, you will be your usual sweet self again soon. |
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
PeaNut 103,889
August 2003
Posts: 24,761
Layouts: 0
Loc: Colorado
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 10:57:06 AM
I am so sorry about the loss of your grandmother. I know you have posted that this was coming soon but I didn't realize she had passed. My heart goes out to you.
Same here.
I know emotions are raw and you have every right to resent your uncles placing a burden on you. They are using their resentment toward their mother to punish an innocent party, you, who has only tried to do what you felt was right. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are doing those things that you feel are right and that you have done all you could to honor your grandma.
People telling you to forgive have the perspective that at some point forgiveness is needed for the health of the one doing the forgiving. But they are wrong to pressure you to do that before you are ready. I suspect they see a young lady who feels alone and needs older and wiser people giving her advice. And what you need is sympathy and kindness, not lectures. If you can state that to them, I wouldn't blame you at all.
If I may gently suggest that you take advantage of a grief support group and/or grief counseling offered to you by hospice to help you work through your emotions of loss and anger. It will take time, but you are very much alone and need help now more than ever in dealing with your loss and the other family issues connected with it.
Again, I am so very sorry for your loss of your precious grandmother, and admire the sacrifices you have made to do what you thought best for her. You are a special young woman who should be treated with gentleness and care, and I'm sorry people are hurting you with their demands to behave as THEY think you should. |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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He**inWA
*Clever Pea Title Here*
PeaNut 220,816
August 2005
Posts: 8,902
Layouts: 2
Loc: Hidden under a pile of scrap!
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inkedupmommy
PeaAddict
PeaNut 180,138
December 2004
Posts: 1,258
Layouts: 8
Loc: My own little world
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 11:04:37 AM
I have no advice, other than you are entitled to your feelings. If you can swallow them until the services are over. I am so sorry for your loss. |
| "The difference between science and religion is the difference between a willingness to dispassionately consider new evidence and new arguments, and a passionate unwillingness to do so."----Sam Harris | |
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batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.
PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 31,816
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse
| Posted: 2/4/2013 11:05:39 AM
I am so sorry about your grandma. You don't know the ins and outs of their relationship though you think you do. They may have their reasons.
That said, get angry. You are entitled! No one should tell you how to feel or that you have to forgive. Especially not now when everything is raw and it's all falling on you. |
OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.
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obliolait
BucketHead
PeaNut 550,788
April 2012
Posts: 843
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 11:05:52 AM
there may be a reason why they had a poor relationship with their mother. grandchildren tend to have a different type of relationship. | |
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
Posts: 23,525
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right here
| Posted: 2/4/2013 11:15:36 AM
I had not seen that she had passed and I am so sorry for your loss! And I am sorry they are jackasses, but don't let your uncles be any part of your life ever again. Don't dwell on them or give them a moment in your mind! |
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basketdiva
PeaAddict
PeaNut 187,030
January 2005
Posts: 1,735
Layouts: 0
Loc: Eastern Shores of Mobile Bay
| Posted: 2/4/2013 11:47:53 AM
I think the title of this Terri Clark song sums of your feelings and you should let people know this:
"I just wanna be mad for a while"
I'm sorry for your loss and all the drama surrounding the passing of your grandmother.
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finally~a~mama
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 438,682
September 2009
Posts: 2,594
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 11:54:12 AM
I'm so sorry for the loss of you grandmother. I'm also sorry that her sons are making this even more difficult. |
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Edgy Coolness
PeaFixture
PeaNut 365,853
March 2008
Posts: 3,514
Layouts: 0
Loc: Dallas, Texas
| Posted: 2/4/2013 11:54:30 AM
{{Hugs}} You have every right to be angry. My "step" Aunt, who was never treated as anything but full member of our family pulled some heinous stuff while my "step" Grandfather (the only Grandfather I ever knew and my only real father figure) lay dying. After his death she was so awful that I refused to talk to her for 5 years and to this day I still become very upset over her behavior towards my Grandmother, the only mother she ever knew.
But here is something for you to remember once your anger and pain have diminished (and it does eventually) that my Mom told me,
"Do not let your anger and hatred get in the way of your own salvation. You are only hurting yourself by carrying the burden of your hate because she does not care."
{{Hugs}} again and it will get better with time. |
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purpledaisy
Calm
PeaNut 116,261
November 2003
Posts: 25,155
Layouts: 102
| Posted: 2/4/2013 12:02:08 PM
(((hugs))) I'm sorry you all are dealing with that on top of everything else. |
Becca
May we be consumed with the Creator of all things rather than with things created.
6 rings - no cheating! Go STEELERS!
Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head. | |
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gar
Whoopea!
PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 12,459
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK
| Posted: 2/4/2013 12:05:42 PM
Go ahead and be angry - it's healthy sometimes to allow yourself that.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Stephen Roberts
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gar
Whoopea!
PeaNut 172,235
October 2004
Posts: 12,459
Layouts: 0
Loc: England UK
| Posted: 2/4/2013 12:05:44 PM
Go ahead and be angry - it's healthy sometimes to allow yourself that.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
Stephen Roberts
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*~*amanda*~*
...
PeaNut 393,905
October 2008
Posts: 6,624
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 12:10:03 PM
I am so sorry to hear this is happening.
The post I read a few days ago about them not coming to see her really made me sad for you.
I think you have the right attitude about it, but I sure don't blame you for being angry!
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
PeaNut 103,889
August 2003
Posts: 24,761
Layouts: 0
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 2/4/2013 12:16:45 PM
there may be a reason why they had a poor relationship with their mother. grandchildren tend to have a different type of relationship
That may be true. However, it is not okay to let a niece bear the entire financial burden of burying your mother. She's a single college student, which makes it even more reprehensible. |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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pheestand
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 6,487
September 2000
Posts: 5,032
Layouts: 16
Loc: Livonia, MI USA
 | Posted: 2/4/2013 12:19:26 PM
First of all, so very sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace in the relationship you had with her, and know that her best interest is now in your heart. As for the rest of the family, they will deal with whatever their feelings are, and whatever their own relationship with her may have been. Luckily you don't have to bow to them, nor can you make things better with or for them now; it is what it is. Sometimes those situations get better for you when you put the time and distance where it needs to be. So sorry it's a rough time for you. Just continue going in the direction of your heart and you will be led in the right path; you absolutely know she is guiding you now, and will always be.
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obliolait
BucketHead
PeaNut 550,788
April 2012
Posts: 843
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 12:20:59 PM
That may be true. However, it is not okay to let a niece bear the entire financial burden of burying your mother. She's a single college student, which makes it even more reprehensible.
i disagree but maybe they should be more forthcoming as to why this is an expense they do not care to indulge. | |
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icedpea
BucketHead
PeaNut 562,203
July 2012
Posts: 807
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 12:29:30 PM
You have every right to be angry! Not only for what they are putting you through, but because it is a stage of grief. | |
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mikklynn
PeaAddict
PeaNut 294,285
January 2007
Posts: 1,496
Layouts: 1
Loc: Minnesota
| Posted: 2/4/2013 2:22:47 PM
I am sorry.
Accept your feelings, but you also need to accept that you cannot change people. I hope you can someday think of your beloved grandmother with a smile.
Peace to you. |
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
PeaNut 103,889
August 2003
Posts: 24,761
Layouts: 0
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 2/4/2013 2:27:42 PM
i disagree but maybe they should be more forthcoming as to why this is an expense they do not care to indulge.
it doesn't matter why. The woman has to have her remains taken care of. Since her children refuse to do it, they are putting a burden on their niece and punishing her for their problems. What do the sons expect to happen if their niece didn't do it? |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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lucyg819
pearl-clutching nitpicker
PeaNut 201,774
April 2005
Posts: 14,375
Layouts: 15
Loc: gone to chemo with BethAnne
| Posted: 2/4/2013 2:35:19 PM
I didn't know your grandma had passed away. I'm very sorry ... my grandmas died years ago and I still miss them and my grandpas, too.
I don't know the ins and outs of your uncles' relationship with your grandmother, but I'm sorry they're being dickheads, whatever the reason. Do the right thing by your grandma and put them out of your mind. After you're done being mad at them.  |
LUCYG
northern california
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
--Bertrand Russell
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megmc
AncestralPea
PeaNut 497,090
January 2011
Posts: 4,894
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 2:42:09 PM
So sorry about your Grandmother.
On the topic of her burial, I think that her estate should pay for it, before any of the inheritance is passed out. | |
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dynalady
My soul is fed with needle and thread
PeaNut 25,620
December 2001
Posts: 20,146
Layouts: 49
Loc: Sweet Home Chicago
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I-95
It's all just nonsense anyway!
PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
Posts: 19,537
Layouts: 0
Loc: California, NY & Orlando
| Posted: 2/4/2013 4:39:33 PM
I'm sorry for your loss. Your anger is well placed and justifiable.
I don't mean to pry, but exactly what happens if someone refuses to pay for burial, or cremation? The idea had not ever crossed my mind. I can't imagine refusing to cover the cost of a simple casket and burial for a loved one. Is this your maternal, or paternal grandmother? Are your parents still living? Do they know about this?
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, on top of the loss of your grandma. | |
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gizmos
PeaAddict
PeaNut 375,962
May 2008
Posts: 1,089
Layouts: 0
Loc: running to catch up
| Posted: 2/4/2013 5:14:03 PM
My heartfelt condolences, be very gentle with yourself for the next while. | |
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meshelley
PeaFixture
PeaNut 431,262
July 2009
Posts: 3,342
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 5:19:00 PM
I get where you are coming from. Like you, I'm not generally an angry person. But, once in awhile I feel that way and I just need to be angry for a while and process it in my own way and time. I'm not going to stay angry - it's a temporary thing. People trying to tell me I shouldn't be mad generally just add to the problem and make me more angry.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Anger is a completly natural emotion to feel - it's one of the seven stages of grief. You just have to feel it until you don't. | |
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perumbula
oooh, what you said!
PeaNut 27,933
January 2002
Posts: 10,107
Layouts: 97
Loc: bedlam
| Posted: 2/4/2013 5:22:14 PM
I don't mean to pry, but exactly what happens if someone refuses to pay for burial, or cremation? The idea had not ever crossed my mind. I can't imagine refusing to cover the cost of a simple casket and burial for a loved one. Is this your maternal, or paternal grandmother? Are your parents still living? Do they know about this?
In my area if no one claims the body, the county must pay. it's called a pauper's grave and is unmarked or marked with a simple, temporary marker. It's an awful thing to let happen to a relative no matter the relationship to them. |
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
PeaNut 103,889
August 2003
Posts: 24,761
Layouts: 0
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 2/4/2013 5:22:51 PM
don't mean to pry, but exactly what happens if someone refuses to pay for burial, or cremation? The idea had not ever crossed my mind. I can't imagine refusing to cover the cost of a simple casket and burial for a loved one. Is this your maternal, or paternal grandmother? Are your parents still living? Do they know about this?
From previous threads, I believe her mother passed away a couple of years ago and she has been caring for her 90-something grandmother and attending college and trying to figure out how best to manage grandma's needs. I believe she does not have siblings, and the only other relatives are her uncles. And I believe the grandmother does not have an estate to draw burial costs from.
The uncles have turned their anger toward their mother into a tremendous financial and emotional burden for their niece. I think that's morally wrong. I understand wanting to have nothing to do with a parent who has done something evil. I don't understand making a college student niece sacrifice and struggle to make up for your refusal to pay for burying your mother. They aren't hurting their mother at all, they are hurting an innocent party. Thats just not right. |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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nighthawk
PeaFixture
PeaNut 118,730
December 2003
Posts: 3,446
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 5:33:28 PM
I don't remember the details but I believe the OP posted about this before and her grandma was pretty sick at the end and there isn't an estate really to speak of.
So sorry about your Grandmother.
On the topic of her burial, I think that her estate should pay for it, before any of the inheritance is passed out.
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ScrapWench*
Seems a pity to miss such a good pudding.
PeaNut 247,139
February 2006
Posts: 18,702
Layouts: 0
Loc: Spokane, WA
| Posted: 2/4/2013 5:41:25 PM
I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard to deal with family dynamics at a time like this. ((((hugs)))) |
----Theresa
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enjoytotheend
AncestralPea
PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
Posts: 4,031
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 5:48:48 PM
Yes grandma doesn't have any estate. I went to my psych nurse today and she said I am doing AMAZING with processing this. I have had so many people get on me about my anger on facebook that I thought maybe I was wrong. But since I have PTSD and panic attacks my psy just said that this is a huge breakthrough. I wasn't expecting that. I am not going to turn into an angry woman. That just isn't me. But it's okay to stay in the moment and process it. I was so surprised. I thought I was doing something wrong.
Thanks all you wonderful peas. I know things will work out with the burial. Worst case scenario I can use my financial aid from school and my church can help me with rent. It is just the fact that her own sons don't care that really pisses me off to no end.
Grandma had life insurance for awhile but she had to cash it out a few years ago. We didn't think she would make it to 92. Her burial plot is ALL paid for. Even her head stone. Just not the mortuary part. It WILL work out. It always does. But right now I am okay being PISSED off! Stupid uncles. | |
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*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)
PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 68,230
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
| Posted: 2/4/2013 6:21:01 PM
I'm really sorry for your loss and that you're having to deal with all the family drama |
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angelaspangela
PeaNut
PeaNut 418,383
April 2009
Posts: 145
Layouts: 2
Loc: Cape Cod
| Posted: 2/4/2013 6:45:58 PM
I'm sorry to hear about your Gram. I lost my Grampa a little over a year ago and, while he was buried, there has yet to be a headstone put in place which really irks me to no end. I couldn't imagine going through what you are, but I hope everything works out in the end.
Sending positive thoughts your way. | |
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enjoytotheend
AncestralPea
PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
Posts: 4,031
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 7:31:20 PM
It is my maternal grandma. My mom died in 99. I am an only child. She has 2 other sons. They refuse to pay which leaves my cousin and I who are both in school. It's crazy because her burial plot is already paid for. Thank God for both prayer right now and xanax. | |
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LottaFire
PeaNut
PeaNut 555,986
May 2012
Posts: 471
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 7:41:26 PM
I'm so sorry for your loss & your uncles' asshat behavior! | |
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enjoytotheend
AncestralPea
PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
Posts: 4,031
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/4/2013 7:41:30 PM
Because I am my grandma's medical power of attorney (or was I should say) and I was at the hospice when she died her body HAD to be placed in MY care. Right now it is at some place called Angels something. It will have to wait until we figure it out.
I have offended my cousin because I was hurt that he spent time with his dad more time than with me when he came to visit this weekend. It hurts deeply. So now that I have been angry they are angry so now who knows if they will even help me. They were planning on coming down here next month too so I was a little pissed that he couldn't help me when I had no one and instead spent time with his selfish, jerk of a dad and his equally selfish step mom from Hades. I was hurt. Now he is hurt. I give up. But guess who gets to figure out her arrangements. ME. As well as clean out her assisted living place. Again thank God for xanax. | |
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PennyPaws
PeaAddict
PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
Posts: 1,415
Layouts: 59
Loc: Canada
| Posted: 2/4/2013 8:50:56 PM
Haven't read any other posts, just wanted to say that I agree with you that anger does need to be felt and released... There are different views on forgiveness... Instant forgiveness gets a lot of attention, but there is value in getting to that point more slowly too... There was a lovely show on PBS about different views of forgiveness in case it interests you... But in the mean time, feel what you feel and don't feel bad about it... I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time... |
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transprntbutterfly
BucketHead
PeaNut 478,947
August 2010
Posts: 856
Layouts: 2
Loc: Ohio
| Posted: 2/4/2013 9:10:19 PM
I am so sorry for your loss.
You have every right to be angry. It sounds like a huge burden has been laid at your feet and everyone is looking to you to do what needs to be done.
I don't know where you live, but I do know that the funeral homes in my area do allow people to make payments instead of paying in a lump sum. Perhaps that is in option for you so that you don't have to use your financial aid at this point in time and get assistance with your rent. | |
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froggy one
PeaAddict
PeaNut 479,242
August 2010
Posts: 1,104
Layouts: 0
Loc: In my own mind
| Posted: 2/4/2013 9:21:00 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. You are entitled to your feelings. It is so sad that death brings out the worst in so many. |
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TravelAgent
Resident Smart Ass
PeaNut 294,429
January 2007
Posts: 12,671
Layouts: 7
Loc: Indiana
| Posted: 2/4/2013 9:24:59 PM
Anger is actually one of the middle stages of grief, so it's coming back again in your future over things you think are unrelated to your grandmother's death. Don't be ashamed of that emotion. It's natural. The problem is unchecked anger, when you allow your anger to take control of good decision making or become violent toward people.
You obviously love your grandmother very much, and are ready to defend her against what you see as a disrespect. I admire your passion and protectiveness. Scream as loudly as you want in private. It feels good.
Julie
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lindywholoveskids
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 168,696
September 2004
Posts: 7,190
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern California
| Posted: 2/4/2013 9:40:55 PM
Yes, anger is a part of the grieving process.
I hope you can find a grief group, as they are so helpful.
This is a time to find connections so maybe you can find that in these days ahead. | |
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mamashosh
Sugar Snap Pea
PeaNut 257,999
April 2006
Posts: 13,364
Layouts: 3
| Posted: 2/4/2013 10:09:33 PM
I'm sorry about your grandma. |
| "Some people should exercise their compassion a little more and their mouth a little less."-- Burning Feather | |
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AngieandSnoopy
Michel's Mom ~ Sugar Plum's Mummie
PeaNut 52,307
October 2002
Posts: 5,290
Layouts: 80
Loc: Land of Enchantment - Louisiana girl in a Southwest world.
| Posted: 2/4/2013 10:16:51 PM
I knew it was going to be soon but didn't know that it already happened. I remember your posts, that you were so close to her. I'm so sorry your family is behaving this way. |
Angie ~ Snoopy, Amanda, Michel, Davy, Benji, & Onkita - my fur kids!
Red, Black & Tan, & Double Dapple mini Dachshund's! Is it Snoopy or Snoopea?
Michel 9, Onkita 14, Jeannie the Chiweenie 14, and Sugar Plum 16 years!
  
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