I'm so sad. DH continually disturbs my sleeping. Don't know what to do.
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 2/7/2013 by SweetieBugs in NSBR Board
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SweetieBugs
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Posted: 2/7/2013 3:50:58 PM
I am so upset and frustrated at the same time. We have been married 20 years. I've always been a light sleeper but my sleep troubles have gotten much worse in the past 5 to 8 years.

I always thought it was mostly because I have a weak bladder and sleep light. I started wearing ear plugs everynight about 7 years ago and that helped a lot at the time.

However, after DH was gone overnight on a few trips this past year, I realized that I was sleeping 5 and 6 hours straight and waking up feeling so good. It occurred to me that maybe my DH was waking me up and I didn't really realize it.

Now, over the past several months, I am sleeping in an even lighter level of sleep for some reason and have been waken by him several times a night. He clears his throat pretty continually during the day and seems to do this even at night while he sleeps. He also snores lightly to moderately and groans loudly sometimes when he is stretching. All of this seems to be occurring while he is partly asleep as he doesn't realize he is doing it. I don't know how you would be able to get someone to stop these behaviors.

I have only gotten about 3 to 4.5 hours of sleep each night over the past 4 days and know it isn't going to get any better. Separate bedrooms seems to be the only option that will keep me sane. He doesn't understand what this is like and he complains when he "only" gets 7 hours of sleep. He definitely won't like the idea of separate rooms.

Pridemom
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Posted: 2/7/2013 3:53:54 PM
White noise machine?
Separate beds?
If he's clearing his throat, does he have GERD that could be treated?




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dictionary
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Posted: 2/7/2013 3:56:47 PM
I am like you..I tried ear plugs and they didn't help. Many times I went to sleep on the couch. A while ago I figured he only snores on his back so if I wake up and he's doing that then I push him over...I also have taken 2 advil before I go to sleep..for some reason I tend to not wake up when I take those..although I just don't try to take it all the time but those nights when I have to have a good night sleep.

I feel your pain, I hope you figure something out.


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StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/7/2013 3:59:15 PM
How about trying twin beds first? My ILs do that. Then if you give that a try and it doesn't work, you can think about separate rooms. Might be less of a drastic change...

myshelly
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:00:58 PM
We sleep in separate rooms. I don't know why it's a big deal.




BudgetMama
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:01:07 PM
We have the same problem too. Between his snoring and the kids (who are spread apart in age) waking at night, I've had a good 11 years of crap for sleep. I started sleeping in our guest room last month and have been IN HEAVEN. Funny thing is, now HE complains when our youngest wakes him up at night. I guess what's ok for me to put up with isn't ok for him to put up with. (when I ask him to roll over because he's snoring, he actually argues with me that he's NOT snoring, hence why I just moved beds)

It wouldn't hurt to have him checked for Sleep Apnea.

Luvnlifelady
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:02:24 PM
I feel for you. DH and I have seperate rooms. My parents did as well. Snoring really is a major issue for the other partner. It's not always related to sleep apnea but you could have it checked out just in case.

I'd like to sleep with DH, but I'm a light sleeper as it is. Without sleep, I can be very grouchy. As it, my insomnia has been a bear lately.




KRC11
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:05:39 PM
Your story is almost exactly mine. Been married 25 years. Have been getting progressively lighter and lighter sleeper. My DH snores or breathes heavily in his sleep, more so when he drinks more (so worse on Sunday night at beginning of work week). I didn't realize how often I was awakened until I got my fitbit. When he's not there, I get 6-8 hours sleep (actually sleeptime) and awaken averaging on 13x a night. When he's there, I get 4-6 hours sleep and awakend 18-26x a night. I have the added bonus of DH works evenings so if I get to bed and asleep by 10 pm, I get 2-3 hours of sleep before he comes to bed.

I can't wear earplugs - they hurt my ears after a while and don't really stop the vibrations of the snoring. I hate to take sleeping pills because they make me feel druggy in the morning. I mentioned it to our doctor (before his doctor visit) and told DH to talk to doctor. Snoring didn't come up in that dr. visit. So, I had to tell him to go sleep in the extra room during the week. I really don't like that but I'm getting used to it. I usually end up there on weekend nights at 2am anyway (he gets to sleep in our bed on weekends, I just insisted on being able to sleep during work week).

Mine snores more on his back so I'm continually waking him up, touching him, telling him to roll over. It used to work if he turned to his side but not so much anymore. I think I'm getting to be a lighter sleeper. My husband is not overweight and I don't believe he has sleep apnea issues. I used to have it. Hey, maybe I'll pull out my old cpap machine and see if I can sleep with the white noise.


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SweetieBugs
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:06:36 PM
I started with the ear plugs and those worked pretty good. I like the summer mongths because we run a whole-house fan that is good white noise. I have tried Ambien, Tylenol PM, antihistamens and a few others and they don't really work for me and then I wake up feeling headachey (like I have a hang over).

When he snores, I do roll him over and that works for a while. When he clears his throat, coughs or moans, there is no white noise loud enough to cover that!!!

His throat clearning has been an issue for many, many years. He says it is because of his sinuses. I sent him to his doctor probably 12 to 15 years ago and they prescribed an allergy medication. He isn't good about be disiplined enough to take it every day and he basically stopped taking it a few years ago.

I've had bad insomnia this past year so when he wakes me it takes a long time to fall back asleep (or I don't at all especially if it is after 3:30 or so). All this week, I have been waken at around midnight, then 2 a.m. then 4:45.

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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:09:11 PM
We sleep in separate rooms on separate levels and we love it!! We tell everyone it's the key to a happy marriage!! We work opposite shifts and both snore so this works best for us!


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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:14:02 PM
We have been sleeping in different rooms. We both sleep soooo much better!!!

mightyme
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:16:40 PM
Add me to this list. Dh is a snorer. He hates when I make noise or wake him cuz he is snoring, but cant understand why I get upset that I cant sleep. He says he isn't doing it on purpose. But wont go to a sleep study. Though I have asked numerous times. Ear plugs hurt and i can still hear him.
I usually end up sleeping on the couch.


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IleneTell
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:18:54 PM
Separate bedrooms. Easy solution.



julieberg
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:19:00 PM


Sounds like my dh also. He is constantly making noises with this breathing and if he has a cold, he snores. I keep telling my dh that he needs to go for a sleep study. Although he is in pretty good shape, 52, not overweight and on no medicine whatsoever.

If he is keeping me up I go into our youngest ds's room, who is away at college. As soon as oldest ds moves out in a few months, I will convert a room to a guest room with a really comfy mattress. I have a feeling I will be spending most nights in there.

DH used to wear a nose strip, which helped, but has stopped wearing them. I told him that the day will come where I won't even get into bed with him - I'll head right to the guest room. His loss.

stittsygirl
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:19:41 PM
I haven't slept in the same room as my husband for over 10 years (we've been married 18). With his years of being gone long stretches with the military, getting used to sleeping on our own and then trying to sleep together again has never worked. I cannot get a good night's sleep with him in bed. Sleeping apart has not done anything to harm our intimacy, and makes us happier people overall. Good luck!



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julieberg
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:20:35 PM


Sorry. Really didnt' address your problem - just started venting about mine!! See if your dh will try the nose stripes. Other than that I say sleep somewhere where you will get a good nights rest.

Gsquaredmom

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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:28:42 PM
I think several of you need to ask your husband to have a sleep study done to check for sleep apnea!



writermom1
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Posted: 2/7/2013 4:30:38 PM
I think that if necessary you should consider separate beds/bedrooms. I know that sounds drastic but sleep deprivation impacts quality of life. That isn't nice for either of you.

Heck, if you have your own bedrooms then "sleepovers" might spice things up - not slow 'em down. (Sorry TMI).

I'm just saying that you should make changes that work for you and your spouse and your health - not worry about what society says you "should" do.

Good luck!




Llemarra
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:02:44 PM
Sleep studies for BOTH of you

WannaPea
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:13:00 PM
I've been married 26 years. I haven't slept in the same bed with him for eons now. Dude snores, kicks in his sleep, and just generally bothers me with his presence, lol.

I used to commute early to work and needed my sleep desperately-that's when I took my sleep time back. Now, I'm just not willing to part with it ever again. We are both so much happier. He doesn't bother me, and I'm not punching him all night long and yelling at him to shut his piehole.


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Knotlazy
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:19:58 PM
My DH wasn't disturbing my sleep...and he says I wasn't disturbing his....but many years ago he started sleeping on the couch in the den. THEN, he said, it was because he was not sleeping well worrying about his business. It became a habit for him and now..20 years later...he still sleeps on the couch. He falls asleep there soon after dinner. I go to bed between 11-12 and lock up the house. He tends to wake up around 1-2 and watches tv and paces for a while, going back to sleep around 3. We get up at 6.

I spent a long time mad at him for not "being there" in bed with me. I miss cuddling. I miss warm against my back in winter. I miss a little conversation in the dark.

I've grown used to it...I tend to watch tv before I go to sleep, and leave the tv on with the sound very low...

It makes me sad. I think we have a good marriage, but I think him not sleeping next to me has taken away some intimacy in our relationship.

I've asked, begged, shamed....sometimes, he tries, but he's always in the den before I wake up.

I gave up a few years ago. Now, I enjoy reading my Kindle in bed.

But I'd give it up if he were beside me. I'd even listen to him snore.

scrappower
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:20:18 PM

Posted: 2/7/2013 5:02:44 PM
Sleep studies for BOTH of you



Huh? Peas are constantly saying just get a sleep study. The OP is not even snoring, there is no medical need for a sleep study. They can be pricey and not always covered by insurance.

And just because one snores does not mean they have sleep apnea. I do snore and don't have it.

We sleep separate, it works for us.



MrsScrapDiva
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:24:50 PM
I vote for separate beds too or even bedrooms. Good sleep is so important. Kudos to those who posted that they now sleep in a different room.

I am not a big fan of sharing the bed. I have actual anxiety before going to bed sometimes because of not knowing if someone in my house is going to wake me up (dh getting into bed later than I do or one of the children calling out for me etc).

I really value sleep and someday would not mind having my own bed or own room so I can get a great nights sleep. Until then, I drag on and depend on occasional naps.

Iowa_girl
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:25:06 PM
That is sad - I cannot sleep without my DH beside me. We sleep in a double bed. We have spent very few nights apart in over 20 years.

I would get a sleep study for both - it could be beneficial to both of you!


eebud
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:36:34 PM
DH and I just bought a new bed. It has not been delivered yet. I am really hoping that it will help us both get a better nights sleep. I am a light sleeper. DH snores sometimes. He is pretty good about turning over and stopping but by the time I have nudged him to turn over, etc., I am awake and have a hard time going back to sleep. DH thinks he will be able to sleep better if he is raised up some instead of flat. We bought a sleep number bed that is a split king with the split adjustable base. With the adjustable base, DH can raise his head up while I keep mine down and ditto with the feet. Only time will tell if this helps. We both believe that our bed is part of our sleeping issues. The new bed isn't cheap but we figure that we spend about 1/3 of our life in bed so we might as well be comfortable. Keeping fingers crossed that this does the job.

***ETA One other thing that I do to help me sleep is I will take a really soft feather pillow and put it over my head. If I sleep on my side where one ear is on the pillow my head is laying on and the other is covered by the soft pillow, it really helps me drown out all other sounds.





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maddiesmum
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:39:53 PM

That is sad - I cannot sleep without my DH beside me. We sleep in a double bed. We have spent very few nights apart in over 20 years.


That makes me sad, too. My DH snores terribly but I can't imagine sleeping without him. We're snugglers.

ChildOfThe60s
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:41:58 PM
'Could be sleep apnea, yes, but he could also have an allergy issue. I've noticed that after drinking milk I start clearing my throat LIKE CRAZY about 15 minutes afterward. 'Never noticed it before. Maybe your DH has a food/pollen/other allergy - or WHO KNOWS WHAT - that is keeping HIM from sleeping soundly? It doesn't have to be apnea (but it could be). I think that once you can solve HIS sleep issue, that will in turn resolve yours.

Maybe if you do something that awakens HIM every time that HE awakens YOU???


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Michelle StClair
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:45:49 PM
I had shoulder surgery back in October. The couch is so much more comfortable for me to sleep on. And I have been sleeping there ever since. I try to sleep with DH once in a while. But I just don't sleep well with him any more.

We start out in bed together, have our alone time, and then when it's 'sleep' time, I go to the couch.

I need my sleep.


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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:53:32 PM
I live for hunting season when dh is gone and I can actually sleep. I am not a great sleeper as it is and normally go to bed earlier than him. He is obnoxiously loud when he comes to bed so I have to go through the whole going to sleep process all over again. Thankfully I have over 70% hearing loss in one ear so I can lay on my "good" ear and drown out the grunts, snores, etc.. but his violent flops and rolls and pulling the covers off me still wakes me up. I have resorted to sleeping in one of the kids rooms a few times. (my little girls have separate beds but often end up in bed together.. so there's occasionally an open bed.

no advice, but I feel for you



obsidian
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:58:01 PM
Get him checked him for allergies all he might need is anti-histamine or a mild steroid to get rid of those night time noises.

If that fails get him checked for sleep apnea.

myboysnme
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Posted: 2/7/2013 5:59:16 PM
I'm married 25 years in a few months. My husband sleeps in another room. I wanted to put a pillow over his face it was so bad. I hated to do it but I could not sleep.

Unless you can get your doc to prescribe a sleep aid for you I don't think there are any easy answers.

My Dh used to sleep like the dead and never made a sound. Does it come with age? I don't know. Even I sometimes breathe really loudly now when I sleep, but that's being overweight now. I think if I was a healthier weight I would stop.


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lindywholoveskids
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Posted: 2/7/2013 6:03:42 PM
Sleep Study.
Why not find out if you or your husband(s) have sleep apnea?

As in a previous thread , sleep apnea is very serious and can even be fatal.

The cure may have to be a CPAP machine. My DH has one and it's great! I now longer have to worry when he actually stops breathing - because he breathes so smoothly now.
I'm sleeping so much better now.

The study was covered by insurance and the machine was partly covered.
He also took a class to understand what effects sleep apnea has on health.

ramblin72
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Posted: 2/7/2013 6:17:33 PM
my husband used to wake my up with his constant flip flopping, sometimes snoring. he was diagnosed with sleep apnea and ever since he's been on the cpap his fidgeting in bed is nil and therefore no longer wakes me up
we also have a king size bed

sharonmnc
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Posted: 2/7/2013 6:35:26 PM

That is sad - I cannot sleep without my DH beside me. We sleep in a double bed. We have spent very few nights apart in over 20 years.


That makes me sad, too. My DH snores terribly but I can't imagine sleeping without him. We're snugglers.
This. We're not snugglers but we always think of the song, "Bed's too big without you". Mine works in a different city so we only get to sleep in the same bed every couple of weeks. He snores but if it gets bad I get out my IPod and listen to my sleep playlist, a mix of classical, new age and film soundtracks. Enya is great for sleeping.

You're probably going through hormonal changes that make you sleep more lightly.A lot of women go through that, Tylenol PM did the trick for getting my sleep rhythms back in synch. I just took 1/2 or 1. I took 1/2 an Ambien once and slept spread eagle and snoring and was in a fog the next day.


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Posted: 2/7/2013 6:39:30 PM
You know what I am not sad at all sleeping separate from my husband. We start off together, read, watch TV, talk, etc. And then go to sleep in our respective rooms. It is really no big deal.



Maryland
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Posted: 2/7/2013 6:51:27 PM
What about white noise? A desk fan on the nightstands may help. My husband has trouble sleeping and it really affects his mood when he doesn't get enough sleep. He says I snore and kick in my sleep! So on weeknights, I sometimes sleep on the sofa. I am a SAHM, and he works, so he gets the bed so he can get a good night's sleep. It's also because I have to get up at 6:00am with the kids and the alarm would wake him. I sleep in our room on the weekends. If I snore too much, he will just wake me up and I will sleep downstairs.

Could you sleep in a spare room? Our rooms are all full with kids so that's why I don't sleep in a spare room.


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Posted: 2/7/2013 7:36:15 PM
Reading this thread with great interest. My DH has sleep apnea that usually goes away when his weight is down. The sound of the CPAP doesn't keep me up when he uses it. However, he gets up nearly every night, at least 3x a night. Sometimes he can't sleep, so he gets up and goes into another room. Even on my Ambien, I instinctively hear him and go follow him to check on him (I worry about him b/c of his health). It's rare that I get a good night's sleep! I started giving HIM ambien (he has an Rx), but he was yapping in his sleep, almost angry, and that kept me up! I can't win. Separate bedrooms is too soon--we're only married for 2 years so far, but I always have our spare bedroom in mind in case he's too noisy! I'm just too lazy to get up and go in there in the middle of the night.









AussieMeg
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Posted: 2/7/2013 7:58:50 PM

That is sad - I cannot sleep without my DH beside me. We sleep in a double bed. We have spent very few nights apart in over 20 years.
That makes me sad, too. My DH snores terribly but I can't imagine sleeping without him. We're snugglers.


No need to be sad girls! If you love sleeping with your DH every night and it makes you happy, good for you! For others, sleeping in separate beds is what makes them happy.

I'm finding that I am sleeping lighter and lighter as I get older. I have started using earplugs over the last year, but I don't use them all night because I don't want to become totally dependent on them.

Last year we upgraded to a King size bed - BEST THING EVER!!! But even then, if one of the kids is away for the night, one of us will go and sleep in their bed. We just LOVE sleeping in separate beds when possible, it's like a treat for us LOL! I have a feeling that if we had a guest room, DSO would most likely move there permanently. Hook up for a bit of intimacy every now and then, then back to our own beds for a bloody good night's sleep - HEAVEN!!

callypea
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Posted: 2/7/2013 8:03:48 PM
This was my life for almost 2 years. Due to my own health issues (and peri menopause) I don't sleep as soundly as I use to. DH snored terribly in the winter (no idea why he doesn't in summer) and constantly woke me.

He hated knowing it kept me awake and went for a sleep study. Mild apnea not requiring any treatment. Had extra skin removed from uvula (sp?) which helped for about 6 months. Then he started using a mouth guard (thanks to the peas! ). What a huge improvement!!!!!

This past year DH lost 45 pounds in hopes of not having to use the mouth guard and so far it's been working! I still have some sleeping issues and run a fan at night to drown out any other noises but at least we can still share a bed!



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justalittletike
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Posted: 2/7/2013 8:04:51 PM
DH and I sleep separate. It really works for us.

Do what you have to do. I think it makes your relationship better if you have been deprived and cranky!


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Katybee
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Posted: 2/7/2013 8:21:01 PM

He definitely won't like the idea of separate rooms.


Start accidentally kicking him--a lot.

Hog the covers.

Have some really terrible nightmares with lots of screaming.

Wake him up like this: "Honey...Honey...are you awake?" Then talk to him about important things like what color to paint the guest bathroom or whether to go gluten-free.

Eat lots and lots of things that give you gas and then let it rip.

Pretty soon he'll be begging you for separate rooms.



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Posted: 2/7/2013 8:29:26 PM
If he agrees go for the separate beds. My husband gets very upset if I say we need our own beds. I haven't slept good in years.
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justalittletike
AncestralPea

PeaNut 434,313
August 2009
Posts: 4,503
Layouts: 26

Posted: 2/7/2013 8:35:21 PM
DH didn't like it at first either. I think it took about a week and now I can't even get him in here hardly.

It isn't like you can't relation or spend time together. I mean I managed to get pregnant twice.


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ScrapWench*
Seems a pity to miss such a good pudding.

PeaNut 247,139
February 2006
Posts: 18,872
Layouts: 0
Loc: Spokane, WA

Posted: 2/7/2013 8:58:25 PM
I am a very light sleeper and my dh isn't. He also snores so sleep for me is hit and miss. I also prefer the room to be cooler but he freezes his butt off (menopause blows). I sometimes sleep in the guest room with the window open. Yes, even in winter.


----Theresa

Deena714
Half of NSBR's favorite power couple

PeaNut 64,257
January 2003
Posts: 19,197
Layouts: 88
Loc: Your Mom's house

Posted: 2/7/2013 9:06:07 PM
A white noise machine (actually an app on my phone) has made a HUGE difference in my sleeping. I used to try to use the tv to drown out my husbands snoring, but the white noise works so much better.

Also, some people just need to sleep separately. Good sleep is more important than just about anything. Even if it means sleeping apart from my spouse for a while.


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Deena
That I Would Be Good - My blog
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h&hmommy
PeaAddict

PeaNut 337,614
September 2007
Posts: 1,580
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/7/2013 9:21:07 PM
My DH had a cpap for years and I slept like a baby. However, after he had his tonsils out his sleep apnea disappeared. Sadly the snoring did not. After months of crappy sleep, we now sleep in different rooms and I am in heaven!! We "visit" a few times a week and then we each go to our separate rooms.

BTW, I snore as well, but it doesn't bother him at all.

h&hmommy
PeaAddict

PeaNut 337,614
September 2007
Posts: 1,580
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/7/2013 9:21:23 PM
My DH had a cpap for years and I slept like a baby. However, after he had his tonsils out his sleep apnea disappeared. Sadly the snoring did not. After months of crappy sleep, we now sleep in different rooms and I am in heaven!! We "visit" a few times a week and then we each go to our separate rooms.

BTW, I snore as well, but it doesn't bother him at all.

h&hmommy
PeaAddict

PeaNut 337,614
September 2007
Posts: 1,580
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/7/2013 9:22:01 PM
My DH had a cpap for years and I slept like a baby. However, after he had his tonsils out his sleep apnea disappeared. Sadly the snoring did not. After months of crappy sleep, we now sleep in different rooms and I am in heaven!! We "visit" a few times a week and then we each go to our separate rooms.

BTW, I snore as well, but it doesn't bother him at all.

h&hmommy
PeaAddict

PeaNut 337,614
September 2007
Posts: 1,580
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/7/2013 9:22:17 PM
My DH had a cpap for years and I slept like a baby. However, after he had his tonsils out his sleep apnea disappeared. Sadly the snoring did not. After months of crappy sleep, we now sleep in different rooms and I am in heaven!! We "visit" a few times a week and then we each go to our separate rooms.

BTW, I snore as well, but it doesn't bother him at all.

GVJ
Frozen Pea

PeaNut 60,092
January 2003
Posts: 6,965
Layouts: 2
Loc: GA

Posted: 2/7/2013 11:02:14 PM
Unisom works for me.



BEST QUOTE EVER on TWO PEAS IN A BUCKET: "My neighbors have a chicken on a leash!" - pennyring, 3/8/2009 (thread was about some people in texas setting up an above ground pool on a street in front of their house.)
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