You know who you can't do a RAK for? MY MOTHER. grrr (vent)

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Posted 2/8/2013 by benem in NSBR Board
 

benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:27:24 PM
I'm trying to get over this but I admit it, I am so irritated.

What gets me is her complaining that people never do [XYZ] for her, oh no, SHE does [XYZ] for other people, no one ever bothers to do anything nice for her...

And then she is like, WHY DO *I* HAVE TO *ASK*??? Why should I ASK anyone to do [XYZ]?!?! I do [XYZ] for others, they don't have to ask.. blah blah blah...

And then, chatting with whatever random person:

complaint
complaint
complaint
oh they never do XYZ for me
no I always do it
no one ever does it for me
aren't children terrible and ungrateful


It's not a bitchfest, it is her normal conversation.

And then I buy into it. And I try and do XYZ or similar for her. And she craps all over it.

And then when I am upset by this, her response [oh this is classic]

Well I never asked you to do that for me. You just up and did it yourself.

And then I resolve.. never again. Never! Again!

And then I forget my resolution. AND THEN I REGRET IT.

[/vent]


The problem is, that I love my mother, and I want her to be happy. Except I think what makes her happy is complaining and pointing the finger and it's like nails on a chalkboard to me and and and...

Please, if this ever comes up again, would a spreadsheet keeper please remind me of this thread. I would appreciate it.

Go ahead, tell me I am insane for wanting to do something nice for my mom.



~StacyAngel~
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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:30:33 PM
Conversations like this, I just want to record it and play it back for the person.

Hoping they would hear and understand how frustrating they are to people. Sometimes people need to actually hear themselves talk.


~Stacy~


SharlaG
Kingpin of something undisclosed, but important

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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:37:38 PM
Just disengage from expecting anything rational to come of her mouth when she starts complaining like this. Pretend she's mentally ill.

Or, confront her and have a few examples. See if she's willing to change.







--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.




alisatj
PeaFixture

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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:37:39 PM
Sounds like she likes to be the martyr. So just let her have at it!

irishscrappermom8
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:40:13 PM
I feel for you. My mom isn't happy unless she's complaining or criticizing me.

If I were you, next time your mom says she never asked you to do XYZ, pull a date and time out of thin air and say "why mother dearest, on 2/9/13 at 10:30 am you did ask me to do XYZ." See what she says.




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Peabay
Happy now?

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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:43:48 PM
Oh, that's just emotionally exhausting.

My mom's issue is that she goes above and beyond for everyone - need a ride to the airport at 3 in the morning? She'll do it. Need to be picked up and driven around for two weeks because you can't do it yourself? She's your person. She volunteers for everything. As my sister says, she "mommies the world."

But then she complains when people won't reciprocate - but she's willing to do things that most normal people aren't. And she just doesn't see it.



3SugarBugs
PeaAddict

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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:52:02 PM

Please, if this ever comes up again, would a spreadsheet keeper please remind me of this thread. I would appreciate it.




This cracked me up!

Hang in there - I think we all know a couple of people just like this...but certainly harder when it's your own Mom.


Christy

Working Mom to "3 Sugar Bugs", Madeline (15), Piper (10) and Grey (5)


IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/8/2013 2:53:58 PM

The problem is, that I love my mother, and I want her to be happy. Except I think what makes her happy is complaining and pointing the finger and it's like nails on a chalkboard to me and and and...

Please, if this ever comes up again, would a spreadsheet keeper please remind me of this thread. I would appreciate it.

Go ahead, tell me I am insane for wanting to do something nice for my mom.


Not insane for wanting to do something nice for your mom. Insane for thinking doing something nice for her will make her happy.



benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

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Posted: 2/8/2013 3:01:41 PM

Conversations like this, I just want to record it and play it back for the person.


That was my dream when I was a teenager. Oh I just wanted a recording device to carry around so badly!!!



benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

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Posted: 2/8/2013 3:06:27 PM

Sounds like she likes to be the martyr. So just let her have at it!


This is true. And I try. I try and try. But when someone is saying something bout ME that is so unfair and untrue... grr.

Example. Not the recent incident. My mom's birthday is Dec 28th. All year long, parties, BBQs, weddings, random chatting, if I am in the vicinity I will hear about it. How she NEVER gets a present ON her birthday, she always gets it merged with Christmas, and yes isn't it SO disappointing how NO ONE EVER tries to make her birthday special...

Completely ignoring the fact that every Christmas she wants her birthday gifts. That day. No she doesn't want to wait. She wants them at the family Christmas.

Try and hold out until the actual day and she WILL make you regret it.


It's not the complaining that bugs me, believe it or not. I mean, I'm complaining right now. I come here and read threads with people complaining. I am fine with venting, bitching whatever.

It's that when I take her seriously and think, well ok she really wants her gifts on Dc 28th bc SHE SAID SO, then mayhem ensues.



benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

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Posted: 2/8/2013 3:08:07 PM

My mom's issue is that she goes above and beyond for everyone - need a ride to the airport at 3 in the morning? She'll do it. Need to be picked up and driven around for two weeks because you can't do it yourself? She's your person. She volunteers for everything. As my sister says, she "mommies the world."

But then she complains when people won't reciprocate - but she's willing to do things that most normal people aren't. And she just doesn't see it.


My mom is like this too, for her children. It's one of her best qualities!

My complaint is that when she complains that others won't do the same...

HEY THAT IS A LIE, MOM! I DID SO SO THAT! and you made me miserable for doing it!

That is what makes me crazy. Crazy!



benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

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Posted: 2/8/2013 3:19:19 PM
Thanks for letting me complain. I'm trying to get past it. Appreciate it so much.



IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

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Posted: 2/8/2013 3:52:52 PM
Complain away, that's what we're here for!



Georgiapea
Mom to the Wild Things.

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Posted: 2/8/2013 4:00:32 PM
You are RUINING things for your mother by doing for her what she is saying people never do. Her joy is found in COMPLAINING and when you do or get her what she's complaining about you take away her fun.

mishkismom
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

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Posted: 2/8/2013 4:07:14 PM
My mom is becoming like this. She has also started complaining that too many people call and stop over to see her. I thought instead of being grateful people love her she resents it.
In our case though she was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. I understand the reason but am finding it hard to deal with. Completely different situation than you are in but the feelings on our side is the same I think.
I don't have an answer for you but you are so not alone.


Jan *********************************************
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benem
I live for the applause applause applause...

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Posted: 2/8/2013 4:26:26 PM

You are RUINING things for your mother by doing for her what she is saying people never do. Her joy is found in COMPLAINING and when you do or get her what she's complaining about you take away her fun.


*laugh*

But her fun is to tell people lies about how inconsiderate I am and then be mean to me when I try and be considerate!!!

I love my mom but ... there's always a but!



Eleezybeth
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Posted: 2/8/2013 4:35:15 PM
Ahh, yes, the martyr syndrome. My mom is also a complainer, judger, nothing is ever good enough type of person. Finally, we started calling her on it. It's great humor for us (bro, SIL, DH) and finally she stops -- for awhile.

We started giving her "poor babies." For example, "My daughter doesn't love me because she doesn't call me 40 times per day." Me: "I give you 12 poor babies. One for each month, use them wisely." Her: "Hrrumph." But the complaining stops!

It isn't all that healthy, but I've become so detached to her behavior that it rarely phases me more than having a story to tell my friends.

redboots
BucketHead

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Posted: 2/8/2013 4:37:04 PM
You have, unfortunately, described my mother and her approach to gifts perfectly.

She enjoys playing the martyr who never does anything nice for herself, and whose children never do anything nice for her. It's exhausting and really deflating. I've just stopped giving my mother gifts. I give her cash and a nice card for special occasions and do my best to ignore the unfounded bitching.

It stinks.

zombie*grrl
WHO PUT A DICK IN THIS BOX?

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Posted: 2/8/2013 5:34:29 PM
Record her and play it back for her later. I would.

BEF2008
AncestralPea

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Posted: 2/8/2013 6:07:25 PM
I totally get where you're coming from. Here's life with my MIL:

Her: I'm so broke and stressed. With your Dad in the hospital, I've got no groceries in the house. I can't remember the last time I ate fresh fruit or something home made.

DH, later in the day: Here's some home-made soup that DW made for you, plus some fresh fruit and other groceries that she picked up for you so you don't have to worry about that with all your late nights.

Her: I don't like that kind of soup and thanks, but I'm not a charity case. (Gives ALL the food and soup back to DH to bring back home.)

Her, next couple days: I'm so broke and stressed. I don't have anyone to help me out.

DH: we've arranged for you to get some free meals from this meals-on-wheels place. They will deliver enough meals for your freezer so that you can get by while Dad's recuperating and you don't have to take a cab to get your groceries.

Her: I'm not an old, feeble woman. I don't need that. Cancel it.

Can't win for losing with this one. I totally get where you're coming from!

angela1422
Trying to find Narnia

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Posted: 2/8/2013 6:13:04 PM
What if you didn't actually buy her gift until after Christmas?

Or told her her gift was you taking her out to dinner on her birthday, or going for a mani on her birthday or something else day oriented?

I know, wouldn't really solve the problem, but if it were me, I'd still feel a bit justified in my head that way.




"Do you know what the chain of command is here? It's the chain I go get and beat you with to show you who's in command!"



Sometimes I wonder if God made stupid people purely for the entertainment of the rest of us.

callypea
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Posted: 2/8/2013 7:12:41 PM
I stopped giving gifts or sending cards to my mother for all the reasons others have stated. I tried making really nice cards but then she commented in front of company how much time I waste making cards. That was the last card she ever got from me!

I know my mom tells her friends how horrible her children are. It really bothered me for awhile but now I just go with it.


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