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nlwilkins
PeaAddict
PeaNut 280,462
October 2006
Posts: 1,847
Layouts: 2
Loc: Central Texas
 |  Posted: 2/11/2013 11:36:08 PM
I would wait,not promise anything and see how it goes. The bills may be more, the bills may be less. The hubby may be able to pay some of it, other things may happen. Just wait until it is all said and done, baby born and see where things stand. They may bet some special help or loans that will relive the pressure, they may work a little harder to find help form state and local agencies and so on.
Though I would kinda keep a close eye on her to be sure she is doing what she should in regards to prenatal care and that she is taking care of herself. If she is worried hubby might leave over this, you may need to recommend counseling. Keeping a husband that would insist a wife with a high risk pregnancy wife go to work when he is not working full time is kinda sad.
THEN there is the fact that if he leaves she can hit him up with child support demands. So it really would not be in his best interest to leave. |
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theshyone
I'm Alive!
PeaNut 266,636
June 2006
Posts: 10,213
Layouts: 37
Loc: Alberta
| Posted: 2/12/2013 2:27:18 AM
We're you asked?
If you were not asked, don't bud in on it. |
Canon XTI
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My Blog
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world. Jack Layton
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Nicole in TX
The Peas did what we do and went insane over it
PeaNut 16,696
June 2001
Posts: 18,282
Layouts: 65
Loc: Not so obvious
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 3:04:53 AM
The father is on notice that he has 8 months to earn $10K. He needs to get cracking. Not having a full time job on his part is just pure laziness at this point. Why should you pick up the tab?
I have a family member like this as well. |
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recap.pea
PeaFixture
PeaNut 288,074
December 2006
Posts: 3,132
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/12/2013 3:20:32 AM
Probably what I would do is let them pay on their own at first, then if they are struggling, maybe for the baby's first birthday (which gives them a full year to make progress on the bill), I would give them 1/2 of the balance remaining. I guess if it were my kid, and I was in the position to help financially, I would but I would want them to at least take some responsibility and pay at least 1/2 of it. |
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back to *pea*ality
PeaFixture
PeaNut 471,633
June 2010
Posts: 3,794
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 6:34:20 AM
I would loan them the $10,000 and tell SIL to get off his @ss and get a real job and pottery can be his hobby.
I think that well intended parents and society enable people like this to be the "47%" who make life choices and expect others or the government to bail them out.
You obviously care about your step daughter and her children by helping to clothe and educate her kids - you have a good heart. But at what point do they cross the line and take advantage of your kindness?
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
Posts: 23,527
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right here
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 6:59:26 AM
Enabling the irresponsibility of her DH. He is a potter who sells his wares on the internet and at craft shows during the summer. He has in the past pressured DD to get a full time job, but he is not willing to do so. Both are college graduates.
In this instance, no way on earth would I shell out money. They are living a life of really poor choices. What able bodied man won't get a full time job to support his family!?
In this situation (sounds like an "oops" baby in a shaky marriage), I'd suggest that they put the child up for adoption . . . and find an adoptive family willing to pay their medical expenses.
But then I can't imagine getting pregnant at 43 without having any medical coverage.
I agree with this. I hope she takes permanent birth control steps regardless of what she chooses for this baby.
They do not sound financially able to care for another child. |
Dog people are a special breed! | |
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PennyPaws
PeaAddict
PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
Posts: 1,533
Layouts: 61
Loc: Canada
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 7:11:00 AM
If the financial situation is typical for them - how they choose it to be and not due to something beyond their control, I would make a small gift to them, but save the rest... Those children will need the money in the future and they shouldn't have to bear the full burden of their parent's choices... You can be a help if a child has a medical need, for schooling, etc... They can choose to manage the family finances any way they want - save the money for the child that needs it to really set them self on a different path... |
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kellybelly77
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 281,401
October 2006
Posts: 2,463
Layouts: 0
Loc: Topeka
| Posted: 2/12/2013 7:26:15 AM
Why is it going to cost so much for medical care. A healthy uncomplicated delivery is about 3-4,000. Basic prenatal care is about 1500....
Gavinsmom- I just had a baby a month ago and the Dr bill alone was over $5000. The total for my normal uncomplicated pregnancy and my quick routine delivery and 48 hour hospital stay is approaching $18,000, if it hasn't already reached that. Now, my insurance company won't pay that and I doubt self pay folks would either. I am in Kansas, state of low cost living, so I have no idea where a pregnancy/delivery would cost you $3000. |
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katybee8
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 421,136
April 2009
Posts: 5,016
Layouts: 8
Loc: Chicago NW burbs
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 7:39:00 AM
How far along is she? Is abortion out of the question?
It sounds like the father has a grudge along the lines of "You made me move here, so I'm going to do what I want."
These people have no business with another child. Please encourage them to give the baby up for adoption if they are unwilling to abort.
Yes, I know I will p!ss off a lot of people with that comment, but let's be realistic here. | |
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JenAllyson
The Project Pea
PeaNut 139,756
April 2004
Posts: 8,424
Layouts: 30
Loc: Sacramento
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 7:41:41 AM
Our DS 2 was an uncomplicated quick birth with only 1 overnight stay and the amount the insurance paid was $13,000 
And OP I don't know your history with money and your kids, but I personally would help with medical bills if I had it to give and knew my kid was not taking advantage of me. |
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Woobster
The Banana Under the Couch Pea
PeaNut 295,941
February 2007
Posts: 6,727
Layouts: 0
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow...
| Posted: 2/12/2013 7:46:39 AM
It sounds like the father has a grudge along the lines of "You made me move here, so I'm going to do what I want."
ITA.
Dad needs to get a full time job with benefits.
I would not hand over a check for $10k. I would let them handle the hospital/delivery bill however they choose to and save the money for things the baby will need once it's here. | |
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kimberly38
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 198,401
March 2005
Posts: 6,159
Layouts: 0
Loc: Wernersville, PA
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 8:41:46 AM
I would not pay their medical bills.
They are adults. They made a choice to get pregnant. They are making a choice not to find jobs that support their family.
What I might do, since they have other kids, is occasionally buy something for the kdis that they might need. Maybe some new school clothes, shoes, books, etc. Buy some items for the baby. But, I would not over do it.
If you do, you are enabling them, their lifestyle and their choices. As long as they have someone to enable them, they will never "grow up". | |
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NavyMomK9
PeaAddict
PeaNut 73,657
March 2003
Posts: 1,617
Layouts: 2
Loc: Michigan
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 8:56:05 AM
Maybe the "family" doesn't qualify for Medicaid, but, she should apply for Medicaid for herself and her unborn child. Medicaid for Pregnant Women is under different guidelines - as in not a "poverty" based program. There are also several ways to qualify under Pregnant Women. She should check out her State's website and look at the guidelines and the qualifications or at the very least, make an application for Medicaid and have the various eligibility factors explained to her.
THis ^^^^^
Also- If the other 2 kids qualify for state medical services then a pregnant mother in the same family most certainly would.
If they make too much money then they most likely can save and/or get on a payment plan with the doctor and hospital. I would not be enabling your SIL to shirk his responsibilities and hand over a check. I might help them out afterwards by making a payment or two directly to the hospital or doctor if I see that he is making an effort.
There is a program in NC that insures children of low income parents and both of the kids are on this program now
Which is it? They are low income and 2 of the kids qualify or they make too much money ? I'm confused.
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"""Blessed are the Flexible for they shall not be Bent Out Of Shape"""
No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet. ~Author Unknown | |
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purplepackrat
AncestralPea
PeaNut 171,221
October 2004
Posts: 4,631
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/12/2013 8:58:34 AM
Two adults with college degrees working part-time jobs do not need your money. They need to make better choices for their family. From what you've said, it sounds like you might be getting played. If your SIL has the audacity to try to make his wife work so he doesn't have to, then you're definitely getting played.
Even if not, I would not help pay their bills. Grown ass adults have to live by their choices and they have to run their household as they see fit. If they see fit to not pay their bills, that is on them, not you.
FWIW, my DS gets laid off from time to time. I might pop in with some groceries or diapers, but I do not take on the expenses of his household. My DIL is a SAHM with a college degree who could totally get a job if she wanted. My DS could work some side jobs while waiting to get called back to work. I feel for them, but they run their household, not me. In addition to groceries or diapers, I have also paid for children's birthday parties or bought seasonal clothes they needed. But you just don't pay their bills when they've made their life choices and do not adjust to meet the commitments they themselves have made.
So, I'm not saying be a hard ass and not help. I'm saying there is a line you draw and there is a difference between helping someone through tough times and enabling poor life choices.
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...that's why they make blue cars and red cars.
Patti | |
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bethany1023
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 315,499
May 2007
Posts: 2,439
Layouts: 3
Loc: Midwest
| Posted: 2/12/2013 9:19:09 AM
He is a potter who sells his wares on the internet and at craft shows during the summer. He has in the past pressured DD to get a full time job, but he is not willing to do so.
You had me until this. I say this as a crafter and artisan. He needs to grow up. You reach a point where the needs of your family and the kids come first. Both DH and I have set aside dreams of being an artisan full time to make sure our home is financially stable enough for our 2 kids.
I would encourage her to apply for medicade and other programs like WIC. They may be surprised and find out that they qualify. If you do decide to help, I'd ask for the doc bills and pay them directly. | |
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susans sister
PeaFixture
PeaNut 128,232
February 2004
Posts: 3,024
Layouts: 23
Loc: Asheville, NC
| Posted: 2/12/2013 9:42:44 AM
Peas, Thank you so much for your ideas and input. It is always good for me to get different prespectives on issues, and nobody does it better than the Peas. | |
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ashazamm
BucketHead
PeaNut 217,769
August 2005
Posts: 597
Layouts: 18
Loc: NY
| Posted: 2/12/2013 11:56:49 AM
If you have the money, I think it would be a great gift to take that burden off them. If you don't, I wouldn't.
How about half? That way they have the responsibility to pay for their own expenses but by paying half, it would help them see an end in sight. | |
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frostybuns
PeaFixture
PeaNut 13,660
April 2001
Posts: 3,172
Layouts: 5
Loc: PNW
| Posted: 2/12/2013 12:07:18 PM
I would definitely help if I could. My SIL just recently had her 2nd baby. They are in school and have no insurance so to save money they decided to have the baby a birthing center. Her first baby had 0 complications and she had a fast and easy labor. Of course the reason I'm telling this story is because there were tons of complications after a long, horrible delivery. SIL had little prenatal care and some of the complications could have been prevented if she had even had 1 ultrasound to identify some of the problems. Baby ended up having to be flown to a hospital and stayed in the NICU for several days and my SIL hemorrhaged and lost tons of blood and ended up being transferred to a hospital too. I hate to see anyone skimp on prenatal care due to lack of funds when there are people able and willing to help. |
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pudgy_groundhog
Chubby old groundhog
PeaNut 113,457
October 2003
Posts: 16,104
Layouts: 351
Loc: Hudson Valley area in NY
| Posted: 2/12/2013 12:21:42 PM
There are certain cases where I can see helping out, but this isn't one of them. Although your daughter is a high risk pregnancy, I personally wouldn't be paying for hospital bills (although would be sure to provide plenty of support for daughter and be sure her pregnancy is going okay). Depending on how it goes, you can always help out later if you think is an urgent need to be covered for the child.
And this .... seriously?
He is a potter who sells his wares on the internet and at craft shows during the summer. He has in the past pressured DD to get a full time job, but he is not willing to do so. Both are college graduates.
Why is he not creating/selling full time? How is he even part time at this? He needs to get on his wheel like it's Ghost and to start making/selling more to help with hospital bills. Or else man up and get a full time, steady job with benefits. |
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susans sister
PeaFixture
PeaNut 128,232
February 2004
Posts: 3,024
Layouts: 23
Loc: Asheville, NC
| Posted: 2/12/2013 4:33:32 PM
btt for update in OP | |
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justalittletike
AncestralPea
PeaNut 434,313
August 2009
Posts: 4,499
Layouts: 26
| Posted: 2/12/2013 5:43:59 PM
Sorry for you and her |
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moveablefeast
do justice, love mercy
PeaNut 265,707
June 2006
Posts: 11,231
Layouts: 0
Loc: Northern Virginia
| Posted: 2/12/2013 5:49:33 PM
I'm so sorry. I know this was not the best circumstance for a new family member, but loss is so hard, I am so very sorry. | |
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IleneTell
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,427
Layouts: 651
| Posted: 2/12/2013 5:51:30 PM
So sorry for your loss  |
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revirdsuba
Wise~old Pea
PeaNut 17,460
June 2001
Posts: 22,193
Layouts: 94
Loc: Central NJ
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 5:52:22 PM
So very sorry to hear your update. (((((((HUGS)))))) | |
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tamhugh
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 12,875
March 2001
Posts: 7,945
Layouts: 11
| Posted: 2/12/2013 5:56:44 PM
Which is it? They are low income and 2 of the kids qualify or they make too much money ? I'm confused.
A few years ago, a friend of ours lost his job. They were able to qualify on an income based program to cover their child, but they made too much to qualify for coverage for themselves. | |
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liya
BucketHead
PeaNut 311,281
April 2007
Posts: 568
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/12/2013 6:03:20 PM
I am so sorry 
(((Hugs)))
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*Delphinium Twinkle*
I'm just a pea:)
PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
Posts: 68,997
Layouts: 236
Loc: *Sunny Southern California*
| Posted: 2/12/2013 6:24:40 PM
I'm sorry for their loss
In the future, hospitals have a special fund set up for people with no insurance. I cannot remember what it's called. But the hospital can help. |
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Nicole in TX
The Peas did what we do and went insane over it
PeaNut 16,696
June 2001
Posts: 18,282
Layouts: 65
Loc: Not so obvious
| Posted: 2/12/2013 6:27:57 PM
I'm so sorry. |
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bethany1023
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 315,499
May 2007
Posts: 2,439
Layouts: 3
Loc: Midwest
| Posted: 2/12/2013 6:35:05 PM
Oh no. I am so sorry for your loss and your DSD's loss. | |
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NavyMomK9
PeaAddict
PeaNut 73,657
March 2003
Posts: 1,617
Layouts: 2
Loc: Michigan
| Posted: 2/12/2013 6:56:42 PM
Oh dear that's sad to hear.
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"""Blessed are the Flexible for they shall not be Bent Out Of Shape"""
No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet. ~Author Unknown | |
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jenjie
PEAsed to be here
PeaNut 88,667
May 2003
Posts: 22,888
Layouts: 283
Loc: NJ
| Posted: 2/12/2013 7:17:47 PM
I'm so sorry. |
~Jen
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PSILUVU
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 427,403
June 2009
Posts: 2,505
Layouts: 14
Loc: Canada's Capital
| Posted: 2/12/2013 7:18:15 PM
I didn't reply earlier becasue I think the rest of the peas covered it but I am truly sorry for your daughter's loss. Thoughts and prayers being sent hers and your way. |
Kelli
2012 Goals/ Completed
pages 75/10
cards 50/13
2011 Totals
pages 53
cards 26
Please ignore the typos..I do know how to spell, I DON"T know how to type
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pudgy_groundhog
Chubby old groundhog
PeaNut 113,457
October 2003
Posts: 16,104
Layouts: 351
Loc: Hudson Valley area in NY
| Posted: 2/12/2013 7:45:57 PM
I am sorry. |
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finally~a~mama
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 438,682
September 2009
Posts: 2,617
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/12/2013 9:14:00 PM
I'm so sorry. |
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Scrappin Bunny
BucketHead
PeaNut 436,594
August 2009
Posts: 921
Layouts: 0
Loc: Oklahoma
| Posted: 2/12/2013 9:36:46 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. | |
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Mary Kay Lady
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 367,913
March 2008
Posts: 2,556
Layouts: 0
Loc: The state of Confusion!
 | Posted: 2/12/2013 11:25:59 PM
I am so sorry for the loss that you and your family are experiencing.
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Lmz1234
AncestralPea
PeaNut 81,972
April 2003
Posts: 4,250
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/12/2013 11:32:05 PM
I'm so sorry for your family's loss. |
********
"Remember to play after every storm"
-Mattie Stepanek
Lisa | |
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mikklynn
PeaAddict
PeaNut 294,285
January 2007
Posts: 1,629
Layouts: 1
Loc: Minnesota
| Posted: 2/13/2013 8:20:27 AM
I am so sorry. |
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Nightowl scrapper
Intl Assoc of Epic Length Posters - USA Chapter
PeaNut 103,889
August 2003
Posts: 24,976
Layouts: 0
Loc: Colorado
| Posted: 2/13/2013 8:30:54 AM
I am very sorry for your loss. I know that even in the circumstances he/she would have been a much loved and wanted grandchild.
If I may suggest, that money you were willing to part with to help with their medical bills? Hang onto and when the teenage grandchildren are in high school, let them know that you will be happy to pay for their expenses at a community college, since their parents clearly don't have a college fund. Kids who start high school thinking there is no money for college sometimes aren't motivated to do well in high school. Just a suggestion. |
"Until you put a thought into words, clearly and precisely, it is not a thought at all. It is a kind of fog rolling around inside the skull."
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blue tulip
AncestralPea
PeaNut 390,473
September 2008
Posts: 4,527
Layouts: 0
Loc: right behind you!
| Posted: 2/13/2013 9:41:30 AM
i'm so sorry. i agree with this:
If I may suggest, that money you were willing to part with to help with their medical bills? Hang onto and when the teenage grandchildren are in high school, let them know that you will be happy to pay for their expenses at a community college, since their parents clearly don't have a college fund. Kids who start high school thinking there is no money for college sometimes aren't motivated to do well in high school.
that would probably help far more than throwing money down the hole of teh parent's bills. |
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Annabella
Leads a Charmed Life
PeaNut 43,843
July 2002
Posts: 42,331
Layouts: 46
Loc: East Coast
| Posted: 2/13/2013 9:57:01 AM
I'm sorry!
I was thinking if her dh knows you have money and are always willing to bail them out or throw money at them (college fund), it enables him to not work. Just a thought. |
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UkSue
AncestralPea
PeaNut 428,374
June 2009
Posts: 4,299
Layouts: 2
Loc: Greater London
| Posted: 2/13/2013 10:54:20 AM
I was sorry to read your update- I can never think of a situation where a miscarriage is not terribly sad. |
| Love is short, forgetting is long, and understanding longer still. | |
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3kidmama
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 268,201
July 2006
Posts: 5,020
Layouts: 8
Loc: Northwoods
| Posted: 2/13/2013 12:09:07 PM
((((((((OP)))))))))))
My heart goes out to you and your family. What a heartbreaking loss! | |
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PennyPaws
PeaAddict
PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
Posts: 1,533
Layouts: 61
Loc: Canada
| Posted: 2/13/2013 12:16:51 PM
I'm so sorry to read the update Heartbreaking |
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purpledaisy
Calm
PeaNut 116,261
November 2003
Posts: 25,213
Layouts: 102
| Posted: 2/13/2013 12:45:34 PM
I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) |
Becca
May we be consumed with the Creator of all things rather than with things created.
6 rings - no cheating! Go STEELERS!
Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head. | |
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Shih Tzu Mommy
Million dollar camera, 10 dollar lock!
PeaNut 224,352
September 2005
Posts: 23,527
Layouts: 0
Loc: Right here
| Posted: 2/13/2013 4:01:37 PM
UPDATE; It doesn't matter anymore. I went with her to the Doctor today and found out she has had a miscarriage. I am heartbroken.
I am sorry you are sad. |
Dog people are a special breed! | |
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