Indulgent Parenting - one I hadn't seen yet...

Two Peas is Closing
Click here to visit our final product sale. Click here to visit our FAQ page regarding the closing of Two Peas.

Posted 2/12/2013 by TerriG in NSBR Board
 

TerriG
Pealasti-Girl

PeaNut 28,363
January 2002
Posts: 7,815
Layouts: 31
Loc: Walkin' in Memphis

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:26:35 AM
A father at the school where I work comes for lunch 2-3 times a week with his daughter. He brings lunch, and immediately she insists on sitting on his lap (too old to be doing this at school but no rule against it). Yesterday, he brought out his smartphone, and she began playing on it (against the rules but not my jo. While she played, he kept feeding her bites of lunch so she wouldn't have to take time out to eat. WTH?!?! Precious Snowflake can't put down Angry Birds to chow her junk food? Ummmmm, okay.....




I'm STILL a princess - right down to my glass sneakers and enchanted sweatpants!


"A memory is a photograph taken by the heart." - Daisy Sour Cream


Burning Feather
I conceived but I can't see you

PeaNut 158,336
July 2004
Posts: 37,887
Layouts: 3
Loc: Ain't no black widow serial killer going to get between me and my man

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:38:50 AM
There has to be more to that story. Right? There has to be . . .



Carla




JBeans
Toast gazing is an art I do not possess.

PeaNut 200,953
April 2005
Posts: 8,639
Layouts: 157
Loc: Between Diaperland and Snotsville

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:41:12 AM

A father at the school where I work comes for lunch 2-3 times a week with his daughter. He brings lunch, and immediately she insists on sitting on his lap (too old to be doing this at school but no rule against it). Yesterday, he brought out his smartphone, and she began playing on it (against the rules but not my jo. While she played, he kept feeding her bites of lunch so she wouldn't have to take time out to eat. WTH?!?! Precious Snowflake can't put down Angry Birds to chow her junk food? Ummmmm, okay.....


How old is this kid?


Well Peas, I believe this thread has gone Thrusday.
"The Pot has not just met the Kettle, they are getting jiggy on the top of the stove." -Lanus

WillowJane
Running the Marathon, Not the Sprint

PeaNut 110,589
October 2003
Posts: 7,100
Layouts: 8
Loc: Texas

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:43:28 AM
You know what they say - don't judge a book by it's cover. You don't know what is going on in that family's life. Maybe the mother is terminally ill. Maybe Dad will have to move away for a job in the near future and will not be able to see his DD for months on end.

sugarcoated
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 140,176
April 2004
Posts: 2,259
Layouts: 0
Loc: At Work

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:43:55 AM
Hopefully, you'll be around in a few years to watch that sucker reap what he sows.

purplepackrat
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 171,221
October 2004
Posts: 5,278
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:45:39 AM
I don't care how old she is, that's just wrong. Well, unless she's like 10 months old and he's trying to distract her to get some green baby food into her.

And, frankly, hand feeding a child who is ignoring your presence does not somehow compensate for a terminally ill mother or any other "circumstance" the OP may not be aware of. Please.


_______________________________________________

...that's why they make blue cars and red cars.


Patti

batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:48:14 AM
I could be wrong, but my first thought would be there's a problem with her eating, they are desperate and otherwise can't get her to. Why else would you go to these lengths?

I'm in the don't judge a book by its cover camp. Wouldn't parents want their kids to be with their peers and behave 'normally?'

I feel badly that the people who work with children are mocking them like this without knowing what's going on.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:52:31 AM
And of course OP will come back to say she knows 'precious snowflake' is not special needs, does not have any other issues (why would anyone tell the whole staff?)...

And isn't this precious snowflake thing about as overdone as baby bump and helicopter mom? But I guess we make ourselves feel good about our parenting when we judge others. Especially when we don't know WTH the story is.



OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




Carey Ayn
why

PeaNut 41,258
June 2002
Posts: 18,177
Layouts: 321
Loc: Minnesota

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:09:15 AM
Seems way over the top, but I hesitate to judge based on so little information. We just don't know what is going on in the big picture.

I have been surprised more than once about what some of my students are going through behind the scenes and when I find out, I see them and their interactions in a much different light.



batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:12:05 AM

I have been surprised more than once about what some of my students are going through behind the scenes and when I find out, I see them and their interactions in a much different light.


Thanks Carey Ayn. This is what I wish I would have said. I have seen friends challenged with things I hope I never have to bear. And to outsiders it looks absurd. And I know my friends and their children have been rejected and mocked. And it hurts. I'd rather err on the side of sensitivity. And if I'm wrong, no harm done. But if everyone mocking is wrong?


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




WannaPea
No Peas for you ! Come back one year!

PeaNut 151,172
June 2004
Posts: 26,982
Layouts: 175
Loc: In my PJ's

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:18:26 AM
I think I'm kind of loathe to criticize a dad that takes time 3 days a week to be with his daughter for lunch at school. You hear so much about bad dads-maybe there's something else going on there. But we don't know.

Kids are little for only so long. Now, if she was a 25 year old bank manager sitting on her dad's lap for lunch, I'd have something more to say.


Cop's wife - Mom to one
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." ~ Delos B. McKown

IScrapCrap
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 570,639
October 2012
Posts: 2,808
Layouts: 0
Loc: pea formerly known as GIPfunny

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:25:29 AM
I used to judge those kinds of situations more harshly. Then 2 of my kids were diagnosed with autism. One has "classic" symptoms. Doesn't talk, hand flaps, and rocks. You would never know with my dd. She appears to be a special snowflake despite counseling, medications,and being in a social group for kids like her. She will never understand how to act in social situations. She has to look at life as a script and follow accordingly. That's a lot to learn. What's sad is she doesn't want others to know. "It's one more thing they can tease me about."

I see the situation as a loving dad wanting to spend time with his dd who from the description adores him. I get the feeding part seems weird. She could have food issues. Maybe the i-phone game was an extra thing for her that day. I don't know there could be a dozen reasons. After trying so hard with my dd, I try to not look at it as a special snowflake kind of thing anymore.

fredfreddy
chatty chatty

PeaNut 120,522
December 2003
Posts: 19,817
Layouts: 546
Loc: San Jose, CA

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:30:26 AM
I judge completely, flippin crazy.

The phone shouldn't be out anyway. Every time I see one out, every kid who doesn't have a phone flocks around the kid who is playing on one. I'm guessing lots of kids aren't eating their lunch and too busy to watch her playing Angry Birds.


Alana

it rhymes with banana

mom to a 21 yo dd, 14 yo ds, and 11 yo ds and a scrapper for 13 years

batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:33:24 AM
fredfreddy-with the way OP was criticizing, I'm sure she would have mentioned everyone flocking around them causing a disturbance. It doesn't sound like that was a problem. I'm sure the other kids were happily eating lunch with their friends and not congregating around a special snowflake on her daddy's lap being fed.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




IleneTell
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 434,842
August 2009
Posts: 2,838
Layouts: 654

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:34:14 AM
I do think how old the kid is makes a difference. If this is Kn and they have a lot of issues with eating, whatever then maybe....

If it's getting into older grades, I'd be less concerned about her ewating and more concerned about how it's starting to look to her peers. While adults may give her and her parents the benefit of the doubt, the other kids won't be. Here comes teasin, bullying, and being ostricised.



Woobster
The Banana Under the Couch Pea

PeaNut 295,941
February 2007
Posts: 8,089
Layouts: 0
Loc: Somewhere over the rainbow...

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:38:26 AM
This exact thing happened the other night while we were at dinner with 4-5 other couples the other night! One couple has two children. The oldest (a girl) is almost 5 and the youngest (a boy) is almost 1.

The little girl spent the entire night on her dad's lap. Any time he tried to converse with others or move her she started crying. Everyone ordered dinner, but the little girl didn't like anything on the menu, so she didn't want anything. So, the dad is trying to eat his dinner while hand feeding his daughter bits and pieces as she's playing on his iphone.

As soon as dessert came, shockingly, the little girl was "staaaaarving" and had to have her own dessert ordered.

The mom spent the entire evening with the one year old on her lap. Just watching them with their children was exhausting.

melanell
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 26,836
January 2002
Posts: 19,090
Layouts: 86

Posted: 2/12/2013 10:00:28 AM
I don't know. On one hand, there could be more to that story, and on the other, there might not be.


I have spent many years of my life caring for other people's children, and I have seen parents who cater to kids in ways I would never imagine. And it wasn't done for any medical reason or anything like that.


So it definitely happens "just because". But I don't know if that's why this situation is happening.


I am surprised that the girl doesn't get grief from any of her peers about it, though.



finally~a~mama
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 438,682
September 2009
Posts: 2,989
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/12/2013 10:12:07 AM
That would strike me as odd.. How old is the child?




Alissa103
prepPEA

PeaNut 39,261
May 2002
Posts: 8,428
Layouts: 98
Loc: Nashville. Yay!!!

Posted: 2/12/2013 10:16:54 AM
You're in the Memphis area, right? Does the town you work in start with an "A"? I think I know the dad. Lol! Probably not, but there's someone I know who brings lunch several times a week and his dd sitting on his lap with the phone being fed wouldn't surprise me.

In the case I know, Dad is divorced, now single, and the bio mom is bat-poop crazy. Dad does it all and, I think, makes up for the mom issues by spoiling and indulging the kids.

PEArfect
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 452,048
January 2010
Posts: 6,190
Layouts: 9
Loc: Indiana

Posted: 2/12/2013 10:29:32 AM
How old is his dd? Sitting on her lap isn't a big deal to me. Families show affection in different ways. Some are uncomfortable with showing affection. That could be the case with the OP. When I eat lunch with my 5yo at school after her last bite she jumps up on my lap. I get a lot of hugs and kisses too.

To me the whole point of spending lunch with your child is to talk and interact with them. How is allowing them to play a video game while you sit there interacting? I hate seeing children or adults playing games on their phones or hand held game systems at restaurants.


Jen


bethany1023
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 315,499
May 2007
Posts: 2,854
Layouts: 3
Loc: Midwest

Posted: 2/12/2013 10:35:23 AM

As soon as dessert came, shockingly, the little girl was "staaaaarving" and had to have her own dessert ordered.


With the exception of having the dessert ordered, you've just had dinner with my youngest child. He will. not. eat. unless it has sugar at which point in time he's all in. I can't tell you the number of times it's I'm not hungry, until DD, who is developing into a good eater, gets a treat as she had tasty bites. However, we do draw the hard line and it's no fronts, no dessert.

I also agree with the PP who said families express affection in different ways. While I have been known to feed DS bites of food in an effort to get him to freaking eat, I do draw the line at the phone at the table while eating.

Tuva42
PeaFixture

PeaNut 41,763
July 2002
Posts: 3,746
Layouts: 17
Loc: Somewhere in the middle...

Posted: 2/12/2013 11:17:17 AM
"Bat-poop crazy." Love it!


Laurie

LollaPEAlooza
PeaAddict

PeaNut 43,535
July 2002
Posts: 1,474
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/12/2013 12:32:41 PM
Maybe they should try the piggy method used in Christmas Story. It seemed to work.

moodyblue
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 346,032
November 2007
Posts: 2,012
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/12/2013 12:51:20 PM

Seems way over the top, but I hesitate to judge based on so little information. We just don't know what is going on in the big picture.

I have been surprised more than once about what some of my students are going through behind the scenes and when I find out, I see them and their interactions in a much different light.


This. After having some parent conferences last night, and finding out, for example, that a former student, now in 2nd grade, is dealing with BOTH parents having cancer, I'm less likely to make a judgment about this situation without knowing more. I was talking to a couple other teachers and we all commented on what a reminder it was that we very often do not know what is going on in someone else's life, be it a student, a parent, or another staff member.

just{m}
Make a Wish!

PeaNut 156,762
July 2004
Posts: 111
Layouts: 1
Loc: transplated mass-hole

Posted: 2/12/2013 6:28:25 PM
My kindergarten child is failure to thrive.

I "eat" lunch with him three times a week and monitor his food intake, per his GI doctors written instructions.

Quite a few of the lunchroom monitors have mentioned how often I am there. Plain and simple my child has a medical condition.

Now, my child doesn't sit in my lap, or play on my phone and I DO NOT hand feed my child, so I cannot offer any input on that particular situation.








o-pea-one
PeaFixture

PeaNut 255,928
April 2006
Posts: 3,792
Layouts: 1
Loc: Hiding in my closet

Posted: 2/12/2013 7:37:28 PM
I feel bad admitting it, but I would judge as well. I do eat lunch with my daughter a few times a month if I can. It is a special treat, and she really just likes the attention of sitting on the stage.

I do judge a mom that is in class almost every day helping. I know the teacher as tried to put her foot down on it, but parents are allowed to drop in on the class at anytime in our district. I know she abuses it. Her son is a total brat. He gets everything he wants, is spoiled beyond belief and she wonders why he acts up. (and yes I know his whole story, I know his parents, and we were good friends until he started encouraging my daughter to behave the same way.)


Heather



peasful1
Needs a New Pea Title

PeaNut 44,870
August 2002
Posts: 14,918
Layouts: 1
Loc: Valley of the Sun

Posted: 2/12/2013 7:47:11 PM
Sometimes I think people should worry a little bit more about their own lives and a little bit less about what's going on with others.

Not one of us would hold up to the scrutiny of others. On any given day, in any given moment, any one of us looks like a lousy parent, a crappy spouse, a selfish friend...



------------------------------------
"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself." -- Wayne Dyer


janet r
AncestralPea

PeaNut 22,327
October 2001
Posts: 4,278
Layouts: 17

Posted: 2/12/2013 8:09:33 PM

Sometimes I think people should worry a little bit more about their own lives and a little bit less about what's going on with others.

Not one of us would hold up to the scrutiny of others. On any given day, in any given moment, any one of us looks like a lousy parent, a crappy spouse, a selfish friend...




I agree with this. My own list of stuff I've done is probably endless.

Mom X 1
Plus Peanut and Ollie in Heaven

PeaNut 380,257
June 2008
Posts: 6,165
Layouts: 0
Loc: where the Tide Rolls

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:13:33 PM
DH and I try for one of us to visit our DD (4th grade) at lunch about once a week. Because of medicine she takes, she's not usually hungry at lunchtime. Because of this we are constantly urging her "to take a bite" of her food. While I would never feed her in public at her age, I have at home. You can judge me when you are woken up in the middle of the night to hear your child say she is "so hungry."

And yes we try to get her to eat a snack right before she goes to sleep, but the bottom line is sometimes her food intake during the day is just not enough.

The phone could actually be a way if distracting her so he can feed
Her more than she would normally eat. I may actually try it sometime...

Edited for clarification


"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic-on a level with a man who says he is a poached egg-or else he would be the devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him...or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He did not leave that option open to us. He did not intend to."

C. S. Lewis - Mere Christianity

Gia LuPeaA
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 416,889
March 2009
Posts: 2,918
Layouts: 0
Loc: The right place, at the right time.

Posted: 2/12/2013 9:33:24 PM

Sometimes I think people should worry a little bit more about their own lives and a little bit less about what's going on with others.

Not one of us would hold up to the scrutiny of others. On any given day, in any given moment, any one of us looks like a lousy parent, a crappy spouse, a selfish friend...
Couldn't agree more. This was on my FB this morning. It's funny 'cause it's true.


Princess of Procrasti Nation.

Glitterati Polka Dotti


SemiColon
PeaNut

PeaNut 521,942
September 2011
Posts: 480
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/13/2013 7:53:47 AM
Ewwwwww
Uploaded with iPhone client

WorkingClassDog
Rick Springfield Junkie

PeaNut 78,429
March 2003
Posts: 16,052
Layouts: 5
Loc: Mountain High Pea

Posted: 2/13/2013 9:21:28 AM
Okay that is just weird. I would think since OP works at the school she would know if the child has special needs. And if mom is dying of cancer or whatever else is going on at home, putting a nine year old on your lap so she can play video games while he feeds her is pretty weird. Even if the child has special needs don't you try to get your child more independent? And then what does the child do the other days he is not there? And rules are no phones.



batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 2/13/2013 9:32:16 AM

I would think since OP works at the school she would know if the child has special needs.


Why should she??? Not every need is visible and I would hope that if my child had some kind of impediment, that there was some kind of confidentiality in place to deal delicately.

How do you know what the rule is as far as no phones? When an adult comes in? And if the principal is informed? If an exception was made? And if the need is known and you can't just wish independence? There is a lot of ignorance on this thread. Yes, a lot of parents wish their kids could be more independent but have needs where they never will be and will need some kind of life long care or interventions we hope to heaven we never have to give our children. And we make ASSumptions b/c we have it so easy with our own children who are developmentally regular.

This child very well may be coddled or spoiled. But people in glass houses best not throw stones. Worry about your own problems. I'm guessing your own life isn't perfect. Though you are peas, so I might be wrong.

I'm sure this Dad doesn't need some school employee glaring at him feeding his child, whether he is there spoiling her and setting her up for peer mocking (and it's clear that some peers never mature as evidenced on this thread) OR it's for a real need.

And as for THIS-

but I would judge as well. I do eat lunch with my daughter a few times a month if I can. It is a special treat, and she really just likes the attention of sitting on the stage.



How would you like it if someone judged you for sitting on a 'stage' and eating lunch with your DD b/c she needs that kind of attention . Whatever. You think it's ok b/c it's reasonable to you. I'm sure there are parents who think it's all shades of ridonkulous the same way you judge the other parents. You know what they say. What goes around comes around. I prefer not to push any of it around. And not just so I won't have any of it served up to me. But because I feel better not serving it up to someone else.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




powderhorngreen
PeaNut

PeaNut 333,171
August 2007
Posts: 499
Layouts: 3
Loc: In my world and loving it.

Posted: 2/13/2013 10:03:29 AM
Quick hijack. . . ^^^ Batya rocks!! I absolutely agree and love your philosophy. I am a recovering judgmental person and I work everyday to make sure I now err on the side of compassion. I have lost some "friends" and gained other, true friends, and am a much happier person for it. More importantly, my family is happier and my kids are more giving, thoughtful and forgiving with others.

Just a little food for thought. OK, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

batya
Making the WWW better, one post at a time.

PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
Posts: 32,845
Layouts: 24
Loc: up on my high horse

Posted: 2/13/2013 10:08:03 AM
powderhorn-let me admit something too. I am also a recovering judgmental person. Years ago I was not this person. But I know better now. And I relapse. But I try harder.


OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.




godwilling
PeaWee

PeaNut 580,079
February 2013
Posts: 7
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/13/2013 10:14:02 AM
Batya love! I have a special needs sibling so this hits home for me. You never know what is going on in this child's life!

SinCity2003
PeaNut

PeaNut 519,832
September 2011
Posts: 422
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/13/2013 10:22:41 AM
Up until 3 weeks ago, I would have agreed with the OP that this was totally out of control. My DS was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and we spent 4 days in the hospital with him. I now have to do things that previously I looked down on other parents for doing. It completely changes your perspective on things.
And not every single employee of his school knows his diagnosis either so to say that school employees should know everything about every child just isn't the case.
Uploaded with iPhone client

Maite
There is no secret ingredient

PeaNut 50,756
October 2002
Posts: 25,328
Layouts: 418
Loc: NC

Posted: 2/13/2013 10:47:02 AM
The child could have an eating disorder. We just don't know.


Maite

A miracle is something that seems impossible but happens anyway.

my blog

FrenchToast
AncestralPea

PeaNut 3,015
February 2000
Posts: 4,585
Layouts: 19
Loc: Cinderella's Castle

Posted: 2/13/2013 11:45:52 AM
I do lunch duty at my DH's school. I have a Kindie girl that every single day BOTH parents come and have lunch with her. They didn't come one day and she sat and cried the entire lunch, she didn't eat and couldn't function. She doesn't have any allergies or anything like that.

I'm really not sure why they do it, but I don't see how that can help a child grow.




Carey Ayn
why

PeaNut 41,258
June 2002
Posts: 18,177
Layouts: 321
Loc: Minnesota

Posted: 2/13/2013 12:31:55 PM
I love the last few posts because I am a recovering judgmental person too and I still relapse all the time. Funny thing: I wasn't particularly judgmental as a kid/teen, but between getting burned a few times and hanging with the wrong negative and toxic people in my twenties, I became an old hag.



scrprgirl
BucketHead

PeaNut 404,040
December 2008
Posts: 548
Layouts: 0

Posted: 2/13/2013 12:39:49 PM
Dad coming in to have lunch with his child=
Child sitting on lap=
Parent letting child play on phone while eating=

PennyPaws
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 551,978
April 2012
Posts: 2,099
Layouts: 79
Loc: Canada

Posted: 2/13/2013 12:50:17 PM
Maybe they don't care what anyone has to say - maybe they just love spending time together doing whatever it is that makes them happy... They're playing Angry Birds and enjoying time with each other, while we're all here watching them instead of being oblivious to the rest of the world and playing Angry Birds with someone we love...


Uploaded with iPhone client
Show/Hide Icons . Show/Hide Signatures
Hide
{{ title }}
{{ icon }}
{{ body }}
{{ footer }}