|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:32:56 AM|
My grandma died 4 years ago this summer.
She was my 'hero'....my best friend, my confidante, my mentor.
I miss her terribly every day!
She lived and is buried in a town about 45 minutes away from here. Im not there frequently, but every few months we'll take a day trip over there for shopping and dinner out.
I was there a couple days ago with my 4 year old and thought about going to the cemetery.
I haven't been there since her funeral and grave side service despite being in town many times.
I didn't end up going because I just didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see her headstone. I want to remember her the way I do now....smiling, laughing and happy.
I know that's the right choice for me. I don't have to visit her grave to remember her.
Does anyone else feel this way? Do you feel guilty about it?
Capt. Sparrow's Pirate Wench
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:37:49 AM|
I have visited the cemetery to see the headstones of friends and family. But I feel that way about funerals. I don't get closure from them. They don't do anything for me other than make me uncomfortable and upset. I don't want to grieve with strangers. I don't feel better when someone who knew my loved one hugs me. I always feel guilty, because it is the expectation in this society, but if I felt that it was socially acceptable to not attend, I would never go to a single one. For the living. That's what they say, only no one takes into account that not all the living need that type of closure.
"You can make excuses or you can make progress but you can't make both."
I conceived but I can't see you
Loc: Ain't no black widow serial killer going to get between me and my man
Loc: Land of Lincoln
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:40:30 AM|
I've visited my mother's grave twice in the 12 years since she's died. Once on the day of the funeral and once a few years ago to put flowers out. I live 2 hours away but even if I lived closer, I probably wouldn't go either. My mom always said, don't miss me when I'm gone because I'll be in a better place. It's just hard to go and see her grave. Sometimes I feel guilty about not visiting her grave but I can't seem to force myself to go.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:41:22 AM|
I haven't since they've passed away, not because I don't want too or don't care too it's 300 + miles away and I don't have anyone that will go with me etc.
|Kirsten mom to~
Owen 8 CFC syndrome,cp 29.5 wk preemie
Expecting my first grandbaby May 2013!
7 Sweetpeas for me
Loc: The PEAch State
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:44:12 AM|
I don't visit my DD's grave often at all. Usually on her birthday so I would say once a year. The only reason I go is to lay flowers to honor her birth and to check on the grave site to make sure all is well. We have 6 plots there and there have been some problems with water runoff and the corner markers we put down to mark our plot.
She is not there so I don't feel the need to go.
|<>< <>< <><
Loc: No. CA 95610
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:47:06 AM|
My parents are both buried in a VA cemetary about 3 hrs from me-since the funerals, I've never visited the gravesites. The cemetary is located in an area I am never at. DH#1 is buried 2 hrs away--I visited once. Though I do pass the area he is buried in on occasion (2-3 times a yr),I don't find it to be something I need to do nor do I feel guilty for not visiting.
Duchess of Stuff
Loc: Pea-get Sound
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:47:11 AM|
I have only visited my DD's grave a hand full of times in 17 yrs.
Because I feel no 'connection' to her there. Not sure what if anything comes after this world I don't think the plot of earth where she is buried has any bearing on it.
I respect those who feel otherwise. We all find our peace in different ways and I think the amount of time that has passed may play into to it.
|~ "full price is a F-word" ~|
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:47:50 AM|
I am not a cemetary visitor--never have been. Both my parents are gone and I was very close to my mother. I have never been to her grave since the burial. I prefer to visit with her in my heart and my memories. I understand that for some people, it makes them feel closer to visit the site where the body is, but to me that site doesn't hold my loved one anymore--it means nothing to me.
I completely understand people wanting to visit graves, leave flowers, talk to the departed loved one there, etc., but sometimes I feel that people that do that aren't always understanding of people like me who don't visit graves. I have felt judged on this issue before, which is a shame because I think it's a very personal issue.
No Peas for you ! Come back one year!
Loc: In my PJ's
Loc: In a room, in a house, in a dream
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:52:31 AM|I don't visit my grandmother's grave & I don't feel bad about it at all. She visited me in a dream recently, and didn't seem at all upset or neglected
|May your day be more beautiful than a unicorn farting rainbows!|
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:55:02 AM|
I drive past the cemetery where my Mom, Dad and sister's ashes are interred at least 10 times a week, usually more. (I take my grandson to school and pick him up everyday using that road.)
I never feel compelled to go into the cemetery. When I lived out of state, I would go every other year or so, now I never go.
As someone interested in genealogy, I have visited the graves of some ancestors to photograph the headstones.
DH and I both want to be cremated, no funeral, with our ashes scattered, so we will have no graves "to visit".
7 Sweetpeas for me
Loc: The PEAch State
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:56:03 AM|
A couple of years ago we had gone to the cemetary to check on our DD's grave and we saw a man and woman having a picnic next to a grave right above our DD's. Since it was so close, we waited until they were gone before we visited DD. I checked the headstone where the man and woman were and saw it was a 13 year old boy. My guess was those were the parents. It was close to the time of death. The marker looked fresh and there were flowers. Made me sad for them because I've been there.
One thing about the cemetary where my DD is buried, it is so peaceful and quiet even though now after 26 years the area is busy and built up.
|<>< <>< <><
Loc: The OC
|Posted: 2/18/2013 9:59:33 AM|
Do any of you have spouses with different attitudes about visiting gravesites? My DH and his sister insist that we go to his mom's gravesite with their dad, brother, and the grandkids every year sometime near the anniversary of her death. She died in 2009 and my grandaughter, her great-granddaughter, hadn't even been born yet. DH visits his mother's grave one her birthday and Mother's Day too. My father died when I was 14 and I think I've been to his grave once, at my grandfather's funeral.
My DH tries to make me feel guilty because I don't visit my father's grave. (He's buried about 1-1/2 hours away but that's not even relevant.) I think we honor the people we've loved and lost more by remembering their lives rather than their deaths.
The Pea formerly known as Sandikal
I reject your reality and substitute my own. (Adam Savage of Mythbusters)
No Peas for you ! Come back one year!
Loc: In my PJ's
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:02:30 AM|
That's very sad and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
My DH tries to make me feel guilty because I don't visit my father's grave.
The dead don't know you're not there. Don't let those tactics get to you. How people remember or honor their dead is a personal matter.
|Cop's wife - Mom to one
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." ~ Delos B. McKown
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:03:27 AM|
My dad died almost 8 years ago. I went to the cemetery once with other family members and hated it. I have never felt the desire or need to go back. My stepmom used to go quite often. I hope people are able to recognize that everyone grieves differently and that going to the grave site (or not) is not an indication of how much you loved or miss the person.
That being said, my mom's dad died a few months before I was born. I don't remember her ever going to the cemetery. So, perhaps I just wasn't raised with a lot of importance being put on visiting the cemetery?
Loc: Central NJ
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:07:14 AM|
I don't visit---ever. I don't go to funerals or wakes either, not since my brother took his own life in 2002. I never found it to be closure or comfort, but now it's even worse. My husband and I have decided to leave as our last wishes that there will be no wake, we will be cremated, and the ashes held until we are both gone. Then our ashes are to be scattered together off the coast of our beloved Jersey shore. If the children want a memorial service, they can do whatever they want.
Single Witch Designs
Facebook page: www.facebook.com/Single-Witch-Designs
My Etsy Store: www.etsy.com/SingleWitchDesigns
Loc: Louisville, Ky
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:07:23 AM|
How people remember or honor their dead is a personal matter.
I very much feel this way in my heart about funerals & also visiting grave sites. If I choose to say goodbye in my heart & a different way than someone else chooses to, then I am not wrong & neither are you.
do justice, love mercy
Loc: Northern Virginia
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:07:34 AM|
I have literally never once visited a grave for any reason other than for a burial. Nt my grandparents, my siblings, my dear friends who have gone before me.
I'm not opposed to it - it just has no emotional significance for me personally. It never occurred to me to feel guilty about not going to the cemetery. It's just not something we ever did in our family.
Resident Smart Ass
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:08:53 AM|
I have never been to my favorite aunt's grave. I've never been to my grandparents' graves beyond the initial ceremony. We had two very close family friends who were like second parents to me growing up, and I have no idea how to even FIND their graves. And the teen friend we buried three years ago? Nope, never stood at her marker, either.
The cemetery is not a place where I find memories. I don't feel close to the person there. When I need that connection, I open a photo album, or dig out the stack of cards with notes I've kept. I have some of my grandparents' clothing items I like to pull out, maybe wear for a few hours.
My mother is the opposite, and I wish her comfort when she visits these graves. It simply leaves me feeling more lost.
Loc: Tulsa, OK
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:14:36 AM|
All of my grandparents are buried and or in a columburium here. I have never visited any of their graves. To me that's just not where they are. I do talk to them a lot while in my car. My Mom does that too. lol
Loc: Somewhere in the middle...
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:16:46 AM|
My parents are buried about 10 minutes away from my house. I almost never go. They aren't there. I don't feel closer to them when I'm there. It's not where I go to remember them.
I always remember Mom most at Christmas time. That's when I feel closest to her and when I miss her the most. For Dad, its vacations. That's when I think of him the most.
DH's father is also buried not far from us. His mother likes to visit his grave frequently to mourn him. She'd like it if her kids went with her. DH does not like to go. He feels the way I do. His dad isn't there. He doesn't want to be sad about his dad's death (8 years ago). He would prefer to tell our kids funny stories about his dad. That's how he remembers him.
Loc: So Cal
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:20:46 AM|
It was my grandma's 'thing' to go to the cemetary. Every. Single. Friday.
She would wake up, shower up, get dressed, grab her best friend, and drive to the cemetary. They would make the rounds and see all of our lost loved ones (I have a huge family!). My Nonna went so far as to carry hedge clippers and a small hand broom and dust pan. She felt it was her duty to go around and make sure everyone was resting peacefully. (She was also devoutly Catholic).
As she got older, she enjoyed it if we drove her or we joined her. Her hip was bugging her, but she still wanted to make the rounds. One time she commented "You better come take care of me when I die!". She died six months later.
That was almost 6 years ago, come March 1. I haven't been back to her gravesite. I would break down. I didn't realize just typing that would make my eyes water.
It's not like visiting her will her bring her back....but I feel like I failed her because it was something important to her.
Loc: Colts Country
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:22:31 AM|
I rarely visit my grandparents and mothers graves. I was five when my mom passed away, eighteen and twenty four when my grandparents (who helped raise me) passed. They, all three, are buried side by side, almost nine hundred miles from where I live. My father died when I was twenty nine and was cremated. I do not know what happened to his ashes since my ex-step monster has passed them around and never shared with me his wishes. I do not feel guilty about not visiting their final resting spot simply because of the distance and the fact that I know they know how much I love and miss them. I carry them in my heart which is the most important thing to me.
|Santa, for Christmas this year all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a skinny body. Please don't mix the up the two like you did last year.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:26:48 AM|
I don't visit gravesites. It really bothers my mother because she thinks it is important. To me, the person is not there and I don't feel close to them in anyway by visiting there.
My MIL and her sister have debates about this. MIL does not like to go to the cemetary and it bothers her sister. When they sold their home years ago, it broke her heart to leave the yard because her dad had helped plan and plant all of the landscaping. She always felt like that was his memorial, and not a gravestone. It reminded me that we all have to find our own way to memorialize someone we have lost.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:29:42 AM|
My fil is buried at the AFA. Yes, we visit when we are in town, which is only about once a year.
I visit my grandmother's grave too when we are close to where she is buried.
It's a comfort thing for me. I feel close to them there.
I totally understand why people don't want to go.
|Independent Scentsy Consultant
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:36:59 AM|
My parents chose to be buried in my mom's tiny hometown in South Dakota. It's four hours from my hometown and 19 hours by car from where I live now. It's also not a place I visit frequently, as I'm not close with my extended family. So I've only visited their graves twice in the five years they've been gone.
It was important to my mom to be buried with the rest of her family, and my dad just wanted to be where Mom was, so that's how it is.
Pea Who Should Be Cleaning!
Loc: at home in front of the computer
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:39:10 AM|
I drive past my grandparent's graves every time I visit my favorite uncle (private family cemetery). I stop every once in a while to clean the area around the graces.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:45:28 AM|
Have not read he responses, my died this past Dec 15th, I will go to his grave when his veterans plaque is laid, but other then that no I don't plan on going to his grave. We live in the house I grew up in and the yard was dads pride and joy so we are buying a tree (and a flowering bush for my mil) and putting it in the yard, when I need to be closer to dad I can just go sit under his tree
Kingpin of something undisclosed, but important
Loc: Under a pile of dogs
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:47:54 AM|
I will visit some graves, but don't want to visit my brother's.
His life was sad, his death was sad. I don't want to rehash that.
--If you see someone crying, ask if it's because of their haircut.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:48:12 AM|
I haven't been to my dad's parents graves in several years despite living in the same town. I know my mom visits at least once a year, usually memorial day as grandpa was a Korean war veteran.
I last visited my maternal grandfather's grave maybe two years ago on memorial day. He's buried in the local national cemetery.
I wasn't all that close to any of them. Cemeteries just don't mean anything to me. I'll remember them and honor their memories in my own way.
|just because I feel like it
Alex told me to change it
Loc: never in one place very long (...in San Jose, CA)
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:49:19 AM|
My mother's side all got cremated. My dad's side (grandma, aunt and godmother, grandfather, and farther back relatives) are all buried in the Catholic cemetary in Grass Valley (the same one Christopher Stevens is buried). It is almost 4 hours away and I haven't visited for 7 years or so. I know I should.
it rhymes with banana
mom to a 20 yo dd, 13 yo ds, and 10 yo ds and a scrapper for 12 years
I AM SHER LOCKED
Loc: Deep in the heart of...
|Posted: 2/18/2013 10:56:46 AM|
I have two deceased sisters, and I haven't been to either of their grave sites in at least 20 years. I haven't lived near them for a longtime, but even if I did I probably wouldn't visit.
The person closest to me that I've lost was my MIL. Since she was cremated, we have a small part of her with us to take wherever we go, as do her other children and grandchildren. Its especially nice since we do move so much, and one of the many reasons I prefer cremation over burial.
|Kristen, lucky mom and proud retired Army wife!
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:00:21 AM|
Glad to know Im not alone in feeling this way.
Odd thing is that Im not opposed to going to cemeteries.
My grandma is buried right beside my grandpa. Before she died I went to grandpa's gave many times (he died almost 30 years ago). I also go to visit my other set of grandparents regularly.
I agree that they aren't in the ground at the cemetery.
This grandma is in my heart, and Id like to keep it that way!
Thanks for letting me I'm not alone.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:00:31 AM|
My uncle and my brother. I didn't go to either funeral and I have not seen either grave.
I just can't. I don't want to remember them that way. This is what works best for me.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:11:42 AM|
My husband WILL NOT go and visit Olivia's grave. I think that very real reminder of her being gone is too much for him- that's not how he grieves. Myself and my son however, go fairly regularly. Grnat likes to make her things, and we go and decorate for any and all holidays. I find comfort there, but totally understand how others may not feel the same way.
My soul is fed with needle and thread
Loc: Sweet Home Chicago
Loc: In the deep-fried south.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:16:28 AM|
My maternal grandmother. I was unable to cry when we did the graveside service, because I didn't want my mother to feel worse than she did already. My grandfather passed away just over a year later, and is buried beside her. Once again, I stood there in dark glasses blinking back tears. I have never returned. I cry at home, alone, every single time I think of her, more than six years later. If I were to ever be alone at her grave I would totally lose it, and I know it. So I just don't go.
|Happiness looks good on everyone!|
PEA-T-A-Mom's kitteh is a fraidy cat.
Loc: Wherever my little mind takes me
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:28:24 AM|
Visiting a gravesite is such a personal decision and I don't think there's a right or wrong. I think that they're always w/me here. Going to a graveyard doesn't bring them any closer. In fact, it's a cold and distant reminder that they're gone. You truly do have to do what has meaning for you. I do visit my parent's grave every now and then, but it's been a while. When I'm there I don't get anything out of it other than a feeling of owning something that I wish I'd never had to purchase, because I'd rather have my folks in my living room talking to me.
There isn't a right or wrong, it is all about what does or does not have meaning for you.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:29:14 AM|
I don't. I have lost all four grandparents and my father and I just don't. For me, that isn't where they are and it isn't who they are. I don't feel any connection to them in those places. In fact, the only connection I feel when I go to their graves is the connection to my own sadness and grief. I feel much more connected to them when I am remembering happy times or doing something we would have done together and I believe that is what they would prefer. I know I would.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:33:40 AM|
As an adult, I have not visited the graves of any of my loved ones. I don't feel like they're there. I go to wakes and funerals, but find that I receive no comfort or closure in them. It takes me a long time to process grief. My Dad died in April 2010, and it took me nearly a year to get to the big, ugly, I miss my Daddy cry. Up to that point, I had not shed a tear. After my Dad died, I was home for a month helping my Mom take care of things. Once I returned to Virginia, I was busy working and taking care of my family. One morning, while I was getting ready for work, my Dad was on my mind and the tears began to flow. For me, grief is very private.
Interestingly enough, I absolutely love old, historic cemeteries. Just a few weeks ago, I visited Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond.
Loc: Amongst the trees
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:34:07 AM|
I don't care to go either. My Dad and step-mom's ashes are at a veterans Cemetary about 800 miles away. I visited once a few months after my Dads ashes were buried. (The Cemetary allowed my sister and I to assist in the burial which was not planned but we loved it). Anyway, my step moms name was spelled wrong so I was glad I had gone. They corrected it and sent me an email when the replacement was placed.
Fortunately they had the form I had filled out with names in a file and could see their error.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:35:36 AM|
My mom passed away 6 years ago today. I could count the number of times I've been to her grave on one hand. And most of those times were for other family funerals. She's buried about 10 miles from where we live now. So it wouldn't be difficult to get to the grave. But it's just hard for me. It's not something I want to do.
My dad goes down there about once a month, maybe more. He doesn't usually tell me when he goes. It helps him to deal with her death.
My mom isn't there at the cemetery. She's with us, in our hearts. And at times it seems, in our house. Going to the cemetery doesn't mean you love her more, just as not going doesn't mean you love her less.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:37:17 AM|
I do not visit graves. To me they are not there anyway. I understand why others do but it isn't my thing. I do talk to my dead loved ones though, just not at the grave.
likes shiny things
Loc: Ontario, Canada
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:37:48 AM|
I've only ever been to a graveyard once for someone that I knew -- DH's grandmother who died in the fall.
I've never even seen the graves of anyone else in my family who has died. Visiting graves is not something that either of my parents do, and it is not something I have ever wanted to do. I don't even know where the people in my family are buried.
Loc: Southern California
|Posted: 2/18/2013 11:39:33 AM|
I really think its a generational thing to an extent. My step mom passed away last July and my dad has been out there several times to the cemetary, I haven't been out there yet although its about 20 mins from my house. My in laws are buried out there also, I can't remember the last time my dh was out there to visit. My mom is buried about 4 hours from here, when we are in the area (not often) I will stop by and put flowers there.
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
Loc: Southern California
|Posted: 2/18/2013 12:02:27 PM|
Yes, for my dad. He passed away 13 years ago and I have yet to go visit. He's about an hour away or so but I just can't bring myself to go.
|Posted: 2/18/2013 12:23:48 PM|
I used to visit my parent's graves regularly the first year or 2 after their deaths. The cemetery is close to their house and I would also stop in at the house to check in on things. Then we sold the house and now that I can't stop in at the house I prefer to not visit the grave as much. I think I got more out of hanging at the house than visiting the grave.
I have visited the grave of a dear friend of mine 3-4 times and EVERYTIME I was there a man was sitting at a nearby headstone. (Maybe in his forties?). My heart breaks for him but I just want to tell him that his loved one would want him to get on with his life. (No, I never would.).
|Posted: 2/18/2013 12:41:19 PM|
my mom is buried 2000 miles away...she died 13 yrs ago and is buried next to her parents. I haven't been there yet, though hope to go this summer to see it.
Loc: In the boot state at the parish line
|Posted: 2/18/2013 1:45:54 PM|
I Rarely visit graves... The closet relatiinship I've had to anyone was with my father. He has been gone 26 years. I think I've visited the grave site about 5 times and that was merely to see whom else was buried there. I don't feel the connection to him at the grave site at all