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MetalDancer
PeaAddict
PeaNut 328,901
July 2007
Posts: 1,881
Layouts: 1
Loc: I like calling North Carolina home!
 |  Posted: 2/18/2013 1:46:36 PM
I visit graves periodically, but don't feel "compelled" to do so. My mom is a walker, and the cemetary where both sets of grandparents, my Daddy and too many friends to count are buried is a good, safe place to walk. So when I'm home on a weekend, we'll go over there.
While we're there, we visit the folks and remember good times. She and I both enjoy tramping around in older cemetaries, especially the ones with the huge old headstones.
I've visited my Daddy's grave several times in the almost 4 years since he's been gone. I'll either be on my way in or out of town and just stop by. My mom keeps seasonal flowers on his grave (they were divorced, and he was remarried but the step-monster can't be bothered). She also has a silk patriotic arrangement she takes at patriotic holidays, as Daddy was a Navy veteran. But I don't feel the need to go there to "see and talk to him" as I talk to him all the time. My son and I will be sitting out on the fron porch talking about Daddy and every.single.time, we'll see a shooting star! He'll say "there goes Granddaddy!" I know he's still with me. |
Lisa =^..^=
"What fresh hell is this?" Sheldon Cooper | |
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WorkingClassDog
Rick Springfield Junkie
PeaNut 78,429
March 2003
Posts: 14,163
Layouts: 5
Loc: Mountain High Pea
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 1:51:30 PM
Well not regularly. No family member's that have passed where I live...and when I do go back home, I visit the living, I usually just don't have the time to visit the graves. But once and awhile we do.. I have only seen my grandma's grave once (well the whole cemetery is basically someone from the family, VERY small town in KS) and some of my husband's grandparents in Kansas City.
I don't recall seeing any others. Most of my grandparents were dead before I was born (or died when I was a baby)..so there isn't a 'need' to see their graves. I am guessing if it occurs to me to go track them down I would... (to be honest I don't even know where they are buried at.) |
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Deena714
Half of NSBR's favorite power couple
PeaNut 64,257
January 2003
Posts: 18,930
Layouts: 88
Loc: Your Mom's house
| Posted: 2/18/2013 1:55:05 PM
I have only visited my DD's grave a hand full of times in 17 yrs.
Why?
Because I feel no 'connection' to her there. Not sure what if anything comes after this world I don't think the plot of earth where she is buried has any bearing on it.
I respect those who feel otherwise. We all find our peace in different ways and I think the amount of time that has passed may play into to it. [/quote]
This is basically how I feel. I take my grandmother to my grandfather's grave if she wants to. But other than that, I don't go to anyone else's grave. I don't know, it just gives me no comfort at all, so why force that on myself.
I don't really feel guilty. THe person knows they aren't there, lol. |
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KateMarie
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 165,323
August 2004
Posts: 5,085
Layouts: 0
Loc: Just outside of Boston, Ma.
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 2:22:36 PM
I have been to my Dad's grave twice since his initial burial almost 12 years ago. There was a night where soon after he died, I just had to go there. DH drove me the 40 or so minute ride in the rain. I sat at his headstone and cried and talked to him (in the rain). The second time was when my paternal Grandmother passed away years later. She was buried in the same plot. It hurt so much to have just had my G-Ma die..and go back to where my Dad was/is. I did decide recently that I *do* want to go back. I wish I had gone last month, on his birthday, I will go soon. |
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WorkingClassDog
Rick Springfield Junkie
PeaNut 78,429
March 2003
Posts: 14,163
Layouts: 5
Loc: Mountain High Pea
| Posted: 2/18/2013 2:29:34 PM
After reading the responses, I never thought if it would have been one of my own kids (knock on wood!)... that might make a difference, I don't know... |
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mom22reds
PeaAddict
PeaNut 191,815
February 2005
Posts: 1,976
Layouts: 4
Loc: Moorpark, CA
| Posted: 2/18/2013 2:40:21 PM
My beloved dad, to whom I was very close, died in 1995 and I have never visited his grave. I have no issue at all with people who do this or their reasons why, but it's just not for me. I don't see the point as I know his soul is in heaven and all that is in the grave at this point is bones. Not visiting his grave doesn't make me love or miss him any less than the next person. This is just me and my personality. And no, I don't feel guilty about this at all. I should also point out that my mom has never visited his grave either. She and I have very similar perspectives on such things.
Sonia |
2013 Goal:
Organize my entire house one drawer, cabinet, nook and cranny at a time!
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benem
Yo, that's fifty dollars for a T-shirt.
PeaNut 526,154
October 2011
Posts: 5,755
Layouts: 0
Loc: Illinois
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 2:45:43 PM
I don't know where my loved ones' graves even are. But if you are not ready to go there, then don't.
It's not like there is a time limit or her feelings will be hurt. Right? |
"We are NSBR. We talk about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
Diva Cups Merkins Tub Girl Crock Pots Kitten Heels The Hoff HOF Obama Bush Kardashians Shopping Carts Shopping Trolleys Dead Aunt Cookies Trolls Not Trolls Garden Snakes Snails Stripper Poles with or with out Birds In-Laws Scoff-Laws Blogs Borg Paint Colors Dinner Books and Each Other"
--SueSume, 3/21/13
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Donna in GA
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 60,695
January 2003
Posts: 8,150
Layouts: 2
| Posted: 2/18/2013 4:03:58 PM
My dh and I don't visit graves. We both have the same perspective that Sonia does. Our loved ones souls are no longer there. We don't feel any connection with them at their graves. We talk about them often in everyday life, which I think is more important. |
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Quokka
PeaFixture
PeaNut 87,007
May 2003
Posts: 3,251
Layouts: 18
Loc: QLD, Australia
| Posted: 2/18/2013 5:29:49 PM
I don't. The only time I've seen my brother's grave again is when we've been at the same place for another person's funeral or interment. It's sad seeing loved ones there and I don't want to rehash (in my mind) how they died by going there.
Gilly. |
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raindancer
Capt. Sparrow's Pirate Wench
PeaNut 217,886
August 2005
Posts: 15,518
Layouts: 44
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 5:38:58 PM
I don't visit---ever. I don't go to funerals or wakes either, not since my brother took his own life in 2002. I never found it to be closure or comfort, but now it's even worse. My husband and I have decided to leave as our last wishes that there will be no wake, we will be cremated, and the ashes held until we are both gone. Then our ashes are to be scattered together off the coast of our beloved Jersey shore. If the children want a memorial service, they can do whatever they want.
I hope that my parents don't wish for me to scatter their ashes. That is also something that is extremely uncomfortable and upsetting to me. I still have only very negative feelings from fulfilling this wish for my MIL. I hope that when I go, my body is donated to science(I have made this very clear) and that people can find closure in some way that does not have to do with deciding what to do with my body in any form.
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~Heidi~
"You can make excuses or you can make progress but you can't make both."
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TXDancermom
PeaFixture
PeaNut 146,748
May 2004
Posts: 3,703
Layouts: 1
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 5:39:26 PM
I don't but mostly because I am in TX and they are either in Illinois or Nebraska. in 2011, when I was in IL often and staying where my mom and sister are buried I did visit their graves and take flowers, and the last trip I found my grandparents, great-grandparents and an aunt(that was a surprise) where they were buried.
I don't believe on any trips to his home, my dh has gone to visit his grandparent's graves. | |
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Epeanymous
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 15,108
May 2001
Posts: 2,240
Layouts: 1
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 5:45:01 PM
I don't because I live too far. If I were around, I think it would give me comfort, because that was the ritual (visiting a few times a year) that I was brought up with. | |
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TinCin
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 29,331
February 2002
Posts: 6,277
Layouts: 0
Loc: Living in the palm of the hand.
 | Posted: 2/18/2013 9:12:16 PM
I don't typically visit graves. My Mom died 5 years after my Dad and that was the first time I saw his grave site since I had been at the funeral. My Mom has been dead about 10 years and I have been to hers once or twice since the funeral. Once because I was taking photos of interesting grave monuments for a photography class so I thought since I was in that cemetery I would go look at it and see if the date of her death had been added yet.
To me, they aren't in the cemetery. No real reason to visit. That's why I want to be cremated, it seems like such a waste to use all those resources for nothing. |
| PROUD MEMBER OF UAW LOCAL 659 - Home of the Sit-Down Strike! | |
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Scrapalotomous
2 Headed Tasmanian Pea
PeaNut 106,860
September 2003
Posts: 6,092
Layouts: 24
Loc: The Apple Isle
| Posted: 2/18/2013 9:20:20 PM
My mum died 26 years ago and I have visited her grave probably 4 times in all that time. Once was only a "hello" as I was at the same cemetery for another funeral.
I don't feel guilty. That isn't where she is to me. |
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Laurel Jean
generic pea
PeaNut 76,877
March 2003
Posts: 9,206
Layouts: 179
Loc: Michigan
| Posted: 2/18/2013 9:55:06 PM
Not very often.
I often "visit" them in my dreams. No words of wisdom from them; just hanging out. But it's weirdly comforting to me.
I'm sure I'm strange. But I love those dreams. | |
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iteach3rdgrade
AncestralPea
PeaNut 247,320
February 2006
Posts: 4,660
Layouts: 0
| Posted: 2/18/2013 10:11:26 PM
My dad is buried out of state, so every other year I go when I'm out there for a family reunion.
Last year our family reunion wasn't at a local place and I had my directions all mixed up. I thought going to the cemetery was on the way home. Nope, I drove about 1 1/2 hours to it and then drove right back the same way. My dh had been wondering what I was thinking.
I wasn't expecting to add 3 hours onto the drive that day for a 10 minute visit, but I'm glad I went. I should have planned to stay in town and visit relatives.
ETA: I'm not sure how often I'd go if he were buried locally. | |
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2boysandwill
My turn to hit the PEAnata!!!
PeaNut 121,208
December 2003
Posts: 13,134
Layouts: 71
Loc: SCV, CA
| Posted: 2/18/2013 10:44:36 PM
nope. my sis died almost 26 years ago n everytime ive made the effort to visit her gravesite I turn into a pulp of emotions. I go back to being 12 yrs old feeling vulnerable and alone and sad n heartbroken because I'd lost my best friend. and it always takes me days to recover...so eventually I stopped going...because to this day it's too much.
do I feel guilty? no not really....I feel I do her memory more justice when I can focus on the good n share the good vs. visit a place that brings me so much sorrow.
to add, my parents moved out of state...2 of my older brothers moved out of the area n the rest of us live 1 hour away...so now her grave seldomly gets visited. seeing how all of our lives changed through the years has truly made me rethink my own funeral plans altogether. | |
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AussieMeg
Ancient Ancestor of Pea
PeaNut 51,689
October 2002
Posts: 6,751
Layouts: 16
Loc: Melbourne, Australia
| Posted: 2/19/2013 12:17:36 AM
I have never visited a cemetary. My sister died in 1986 and I haven't ever visited her grave site. My brother has been twice, once on the 25th anniversary of her death and the other time just 2 weeks ago. Just because he was passing by. (My brother didn't even go to the cemetery for her funeral, he was only 14 and didn't want to go. Maybe that's why he felt compelled to go.)
I remember once I mentioned to my BFF and her husband that I had never visited my sister's grave. My friend's husband was horrified, and we ended up having an argument about it. He told me how disrespectful I was. But my argument is that she's not actually there. As far as I'm concerned, it's just a box in the ground (and I don't want to get any more graphic than that).
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redboots
BucketHead
PeaNut 399,301
November 2008
Posts: 908
Layouts: 0
 | Posted: 2/19/2013 12:21:28 AM
My husband was VERY close to his grandparents, and yet he has not visited their graves since their respective funerals. He feels much the same way you do - he doesn't need to visit their graves to remember them.
I think this is a very personal issue and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. I'm sure you think of your grandma often and lovingly, so there is nothing to feel guilty about, IMO.
It sounds like you had a very special bond with your grandma. Your love for her is obvious.
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Tracyarts
Just content to be ME pea...
PeaNut 44,329
August 2002
Posts: 9,533
Layouts: 30
Loc: 8 miles from Galveston Bay
| Posted: 2/19/2013 3:08:06 AM
I don't visit graves, and I have a very hard time at funerals. Unfortunately, there are people in my circle of acquaintence who believe that both acts are an integral part of honoring the dead and reflect on how much you cared about and respected the person during their life. This has caused a lot of conflict over the years, the worst instance being when I allowed myself to be pressured by family members into going up and seeing my dad in the casket during his viewing/rosary because I had to do it in order to "say goodbye". In retrospect I wish I had faked a breakdown, made myself throw up, faked a twisted ankle, done anything to get the hell out of there and away from those people who didn't understand and had zero interest in even attempting to understand that I needed to say goodbye in a way which was meaningful to me, remembering him only as he was in life.
I'm all for people doing what they need to do in order to make peace with a loved one's passing. But they should also understand and respect that their way is not the only way and be accepting of that when it comes to other people.
Tracy |
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look4angel
StuckOnPeas
PeaNut 49,444
September 2002
Posts: 2,749
Layouts: 181
Loc: Tn
| Posted: 2/19/2013 4:45:17 AM
We have a family burial plot, so my brother's, grandparents, other relatives, and my son are all buried at the same location. I rarely go there however, not out of disrespect, but because it takes me almost a week to get over when I do.
For those that do go to take, and replace flowers, I have a warning. Black Widow spider's like to nest in graveyard flower's. I have killed several while replacing flowers at my family's plots. The caretaker there said that is common in our area, and advised me to always wear gloves, and to put the old flowers in a plastic garbage bag, and tie it up immediately after you are done, BEFORE putting the bag in your car. Dispose of the bag in a large dumpster, not in your home containers. HTH |
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madds2
PeaNut
PeaNut 160,681
August 2004
Posts: 173
Layouts: 3
| Posted: 2/19/2013 9:03:46 AM
My sister was 18 when my mom died of cancer and has not visited her grave since the funeral. She says it is still too painful for her to remember her that way. I go and deliver the flowers for her and my other sister who is busy with kids and work. If my mom was sitting next to me today I would say hey lets talk cremation and it would would be easier for eveyone. | |
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siameseplease
BucketHead
PeaNut 466,390
April 2010
Posts: 713
Layouts: 1
 | Posted: 2/19/2013 11:19:33 AM
I base it on how I feel about it and don't feel guilty for acting based on those feelings.
My dad's grave is less than 15 minutes from my house. I have not been there in over 3 years. I don't get a sense of peace or connection from going there. I don't feel like he's there and I honestly believe that he wouldn't care. Same with my grandfather's grave.
On the other hand, my husband's grave is 3.5 hours away. I try to go there at least 4 times year. For some reason, it gives me a sense of peace and connection to go there. I don't know why I feel that way about his gravesite as opposed to that of my dad and grandfather, though. |
Gina
my blog: http://ginasgorillaspeak.blogspot.com | |
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Jodi_S
PeaAddict
PeaNut 228,581
October 2005
Posts: 1,255
Layouts: 5
Loc: Winnipeg, Canada
| Posted: 2/19/2013 11:37:50 AM
I haven't visited my late DH's grave in 2 years. I used to go once a month with my son in the first year. I find it hard and it brings up horrible memories of his suffering. I used to feel guilty, but don't now. He wouldn't want that. His grave is 4 hours away too.
My MIL takes my son a couple of times a year. She finds it comforting, but it is very emotional for my son. |
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Auburngirl
BucketHead
PeaNut 229,528
October 2005
Posts: 568
Layouts: 9
Loc: Alabama
| Posted: 2/19/2013 12:39:24 PM
I don't personally go and visit graves because I feel they are not there. I believe they are in heaven watching over me and I tend to speak to them in my alone time. I don't feel that I have to go to a certain place to speak to them or remember them. |
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doesitmatter?
AncestralPea
PeaNut 509,811
May 2011
Posts: 4,894
Layouts: 27
 | Posted: 2/19/2013 1:22:13 PM
Yes, my brother died when he was 19 / 20 years ago, and my mom doesn't go to his grave- and that's ok. My dad's mom died when he was 16 and he doesn't go. I myself do visit graves of loved ones, but I feel it's a personal decision and would never judge someone for going or not going. |
| Child of God, follower of Jesus, and so thankful for His presence in my life <>< | |
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