Would you trust your husband to pick out a house without you?

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Posted 3/3/2013 by Compwalla in NSBR Board
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Pastafarian Pea

PeaNut 11,942
March 2001
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Loc: Midland, TX

Posted: 3/3/2013 10:25:05 PM
That is the situation we're in. He got a new job in another state and is already there working and house hunting. He's not completely on his own, of course. I'm looking at pics and he calls me when he walks through them and texts me pictures. We just made an offer on one and I haven't seen it other than in pics from the listing and his cell phone. We have a running joke about him picking a house on his own. Last time he did, he picked a house with no kitchen. It was a really nice 350 year old farmhouse with fabulous tile floors, soaring ceilings, close to the ocean, and -- literally NO kitchen. There was a stove inside what used to be a chimney. I chopped vegetables on the dining room table.

He has repeatedly assured me this kitchen is way better than that one. And I've seen the pics so I believe him. We found out there is another offer in on this house but the sellers countered and haven't heard back. I hope this deal shakes out in our favor because I have sort of fallen in love from a distance. It's the one we keep going back to. It's older and sort of hilarious in a 1980s Falcon Crest kind of way (sunken pink marble tub with gold swan fixtures! wet bar with built in blackjack table!) but it is in one of the best neighborhoods and has so much potential. We're not afraid of DIY and this place is priced more than $25/sq ft less than other houses in the neighborhood because it needs work inside. A project house. I may or may not have already started pinboards with ideas for the bathrooms...

I know I'm not supposed to get emotionally attached this early in the game but it's hard not to. Sometimes the house picks you.


I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. --Susan B. Anthony

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Rick Springfield Junkie

PeaNut 78,429
March 2003
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:28:24 PM
probably not me.. I would be a nervous wreck.. DH would be interested in the garage part of it and the rest?? I don't know... I think I would just want more control...

boring + nerdy

PeaNut 52,817
October 2002
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:29:29 PM
It would give me anxiety because DH is not Mr. Attention to Detail when it comes to the kinds of things that would matter to me in a house. But in that situation, with plenty of video and photos (and a detailed floorplan), I could get on board with him picking one out on his own. It would give my Type A self some serious conniptions, though.

That house sounds like a great deal!


PeaNut 434,965
August 2009
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:31:58 PM
My husband did this. We had already had 3 days house hunting, and the houses we liked or wanted to put in an offer for were selling so fast that we lost out. I had to go back to our home in Colorado. DH kept looking, and found a house, and bought it.

Fast forward going on 9 years. I hate this house. Always have. And we are STUCK in it indefinitely because the market tanked not long after we bought it.

So no, I most definitely would NOT let my dh pick out a house without me ever again. Stay in a long-term hotel, rent an apartment, rent a house. Don't buy in a rush, and don't buy without being there.

Trying to live each day for itself

PEAceful Pea

PeaNut 14,521
April 2001
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:32:56 PM
No, we have done it twice...once he picked an apartment and then later he picked a house. We find we love our house if we pick it together. I would fly out for at least a weekend and help with the house hunting.


Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:33:06 PM
I don't think I would want to let DH pick a house on his own even with pictures. If it was the only way, I'd have to do it, but if there was any way to see the house first, I'd be there. There are just some things you can't see in pictures/videos. Good luck.

He'd probably let me choose on my own since he could happy most anywhere.

sunny 5

PeaNut 472,024
June 2010
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:35:21 PM
my dh picked out apartments for us...I don't think i would purchase a house this way.


PeaNut 138,583
March 2004
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:39:52 PM
No, no, no. He would pick the one without the kitchen or a bathroom. etc.
Doesn't pay attention to detail.

& the Velcro dog

PeaNut 133,429
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:41:27 PM

Finding a place for a very short term rental, I could deal with that. not somewhere that I was too live for any amount of time that I would end up feeling stuck with.

The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits. ~Albert Einstein


PeaNut 130,936
February 2004
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:41:57 PM
Nope. Been there, done that.
I trusted him to find a house and it cost us thousands to get out of, to break the lease. It was so tiny. We run our business out of our home AND currently have 7 adults in our house. No way we'd have fit half our gear in what HE chose!
I *thought* I trusted him. I learnt my lesson. From now on, I check the house first before signing anything!

I'm sure there's plenty of guys out there who do a terrific job but apparently my geek is better kept to computers and not house hunting!

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

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ResPEAratory therapist in flight

PeaNut 27,059
January 2002
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:42:06 PM
Nope. No way. He would buy the cheapest piece of crap house because it was cheap and "wow, think of how much money we'll save!" Oh, just the thought makes me feel a little sick.



PeaNut 54,671
November 2002
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:44:07 PM
I could never do that. But I grew up with a dad who picked and bought two houses without my mom seeing them first... one he told the realtor he'd take as soon as he saw the swimming pool in the back yard - he never even went inside! The other was a boarded up house that the builder had gone broke while building and never finished... we pulled up in the car the first time - Dad said, "nobody move!" and ran around the car three times before he'd let us out and into the house. Turns out the overgrown yard was full of snakes and he was scaring them off.

Yeah, not happening here.


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Regina Phalange

PeaNut 369,340
March 2008
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:45:24 PM
No way, he would by a fifteen bay garage and just make sure it had a microwave and a rest room!!!


"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou


PeaNut 431,254
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:45:50 PM
No...he'd only care about the yard and the garage. Even with photos and room sizes, I wouldn't trust him.


PeaNut 17,041
June 2001
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Posted: 3/3/2013 10:47:09 PM
No, never again. He too would never be that brave or stupid to do it again. It was a disaster, a disgusting heap of a disaster. He does not do well under pressure and sort of tunes out details like the huge piles of mouse crap, or the fact that not one door or window actually sealed tight, or that there were literally no light fixtures. I'm sure he'll live it down eventually...

Miss Ang
I'm a Toilet Paper Pea. Are you?

PeaNut 26,443
January 2002
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Posted: 3/3/2013 11:00:40 PM
No, my husband can not pay attention to detail.



PeaNut 33,625
March 2002
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Posted: 3/3/2013 11:03:57 PM
Dh picked out our house and I knew he wanted it when he came to pick me up for lunch to see it. It's worked out well for us, we both love it even though we are opposites in everything

~ Dori ~

Well, Bless Her Heart.......

PeaNut 142,890
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Posted: 3/3/2013 11:05:31 PM
I did once and it will never happen again! Thankfully it was a just a rental on an overseas assignment.

Keep in mind we are a family of 3. He rented an 8,000+ sq ft house with 2 master suites (each larger than our first apartment), 7 bedroom, 4 bath, 2 kitchens and quarters for the live in help. Not to mention the ugliest light fixtures I've ever seen.

His reason for picking that house was the backyard was very secure for our dogs. Good thinking, except the only way to access that big yard was through my living room. Yes, that meant that the lawn mower and pool equipment had to go right through the middle of my living room weekly. Needless to say, he will never pick a house alone!

I say if you can verify those kitchen photos are real, then it sounds like a good deal!

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Love Letters Pea

PeaNut 65,852
January 2003
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Posted: 3/3/2013 11:06:31 PM
Heavens no.


PeaNut 25,268
November 2001
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Posted: 3/3/2013 11:10:16 PM
I like to think that I could trust him, but I fear this would be the reality:

"Nope. No way. He would buy the cheapest piece of crap house because it was cheap and "wow, think of how much money we'll save!" Oh, just the thought makes me feel a little sick."

I obviously haven't mastered quoting on my phone, LOL.

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Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 497,090
January 2011
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Posted: 3/3/2013 11:13:33 PM
Yes. He would pick out a house with me in mind since I would be the one living it. He is a workaholic..

Peaing under the Radar

PeaNut 61,691
January 2003
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Posted: 3/3/2013 11:47:01 PM
Absolutely. My DH misses nothing when he looks at properties. And we'd end up with a much nicer house than what I'd pick, because I'm cheap and his price range would be higher. There is no doubt in my mind that DH would pick something I liked.


PeaNut 421,228
April 2009
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Posted: 3/4/2013 12:02:40 AM
As long as I could see photos and discuss it with him, final decision pending home inspection, probably. He bought our last car without me and that worked out OK. In a case where I couldn't give feedback, absolutely not. He'd take a house with no kitchen and only a shower and toilet in the bath if it meant he could get a 3 car garage.

ETA: I didn't read all he responses before I replied and now I'm cracking up at how many peas said no because their DH's would sacrifice so many other things for a big garage!


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Pastafarian Pea

PeaNut 11,942
March 2001
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Posted: 3/4/2013 12:04:54 AM
When he was walking through I did ask him to go back and look at the laundry room. But he walked me through the rest of the house. I am glad I'm not the only one who would be ok with this. After the kitchenless house I was wary but I think he picked a good one.


I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires. --Susan B. Anthony

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PeaNut 54,671
November 2002
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Posted: 3/4/2013 12:13:12 AM
I think you're very brave! Be sure he drives around the neighborhood a bit to be sure there aren't train tracks within earshot, look for high tension wires, and check to see if getting out of your neighborhood might involve dangerous dashes in rush hour traffic. Be sure to check that the neighbors lawns aren't all uphill of yours and rain won't be running off theirs into your basement. Those are all things my husband wouldn't think were important, but would be deal breakers for me.


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PeaNut 50,943
October 2002
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Posted: 3/4/2013 4:31:08 AM
Absolutely yes! But then, my dh is a realtor. lol

We also have similar tastes and know what we want in a house. He also does all the cooking, so I don't care about the kitchen, he does. As long as I have a craft room/office, I'm all cool.

Dana in OR not MN
"Dance like nobody's watching"


PeaNut 407,137
January 2009
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Posted: 3/4/2013 5:53:21 AM
DH picked out our first apartment on his own as well as our first place in NJ and he did a great job on both (well, except for the psycho neighbors in the NJ townhouse). I don't know if I could let go of my control issues long enough to be OK with him picking out a house without me but he'd probably do a good job. My sister did it and they have a lovely house.



PeaNut 510,579
June 2011
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:00:31 AM
Yes, my husband buys furniture without me because I'm not interested and he's particular.

I'd trust him to buy a house if I could see pictures.

Good luck with your transition.

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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PeaNut 229,960
November 2005
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:03:10 AM
Yes I would trust my husband. I wouldn't want him to as obviously I would like some input but I know he could do it on his own no problem. His attention to detail is excellent.

Proud foot flusher

PeaNut 2,978
February 2000
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:04:58 AM
My husband picked out our current house without me. And we have lived here 13 years! I had visited the town before, and I told him the area I wanted to live in. He wanted to look in some smaller towns for old houses, I told him I did not want to live in a little bitty town so he could have some fine old Victorian home. We did that before, and I hated it. I loved the house, but did not like living in such a small, remote town. So I told him that as long as the house was in a certain area, he could pick the house. He showed me photos before we made an offer, but I did not see the house in person until right before we closed on it.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 479,777
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:05:02 AM
I would trust him on the house, but not the price. He's one of those who thinks that because we qualify for $$$$ mortgage, we should buy a house that costs $$$$. I'm more of, "Hey, I know we qualify for $$$$, but let's see if we can find a house that is nice but costs $$$.5." So that would be my only worry -- not that we couldn't afford it, but that we could have found another house just as nice for less money.


PeaNut 370,521
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:07:53 AM
No, absolutely not.

DH did exactly that in a way - we had settled on doing a ranch on this lot and the developer told us a ranch the size we needed would not fit, we would need a 2-story. I personally hate 2-story homes and had no interest in looking at plans. DH was in love with colonials and was very particular about the kitchen - whereas I really had no interest in what the kitchen looked like, at the time he was cooking more and I hate to cook.

I am glad he picked out the kitchen as he got this big island and while I hate to cook, I love to bake, and I didn't think about that, and so I am very happy I have room to spread out for that on the island.

Otherwise I really hate having a 2 story. I hate the house in that the master bedroom/bath take up half the upstairs and it is wasted space. The deep soaker tub he had to have I cannot even use because we have a well and it would use up a ton of water to fill. I have no office and had to convert part of the side entry to an office which only fits a desk and that is it - no craft room. He complains as my craft stuff migrates to the dining area any time DD and I want to do things - and DD, DS and I are very into art/crafts so having a dedicated room would be wonderful.

I could kick myself for just giving up and saying "fine, you pick it, I don't care anymore" because I was so sick of looking at plans and figured I would be happy with ANY house as long as I was out of the mobile home we were in.

So yeah, I would have to look if you think he is going to have a different idea about how things are -

Also the things you may see details, not just the "look" but how it feels, do you see potential maintenance issues or structural problems, etc. I think overall a lot of women see details that men don't - unless of course he is in the business, but it doesn't sound like your DH is.


PeaNut 308,882
April 2007
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:10:32 AM
Yes I would. He know what we need as a family and would be looking in to getting it. it not what one of us need it what all of us need.

i am so glad I am not a control freak.

I have quite a few learing disabilitys that effect my spelling a grammer. I do know my grammer and spelling suck. I have been working on this problem all my adult life.

Spongemom Scrappants
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PeaNut 297,141
February 2007
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Loc: South Carolina

Posted: 3/4/2013 6:12:10 AM

Yes I would trust my husband. I wouldn't want him to as obviously I would like some input but I know he could do it on his own no problem. His attention to detail is excellent.

That's exactly what I would answer. But the ideal scenario would be for both of us to be fully involved as we would each notice different things.


PeaNut 250,729
February 2006
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:16:34 AM
I could. DH and I have the same taste and we no what the others "dealbreakers" would be on a house. If I had to, I could live with his decision because I am sure it would be right along my likes anyway.


PeaNut 220
April 1999
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Loc: Upstate NY

Posted: 3/4/2013 6:19:14 AM
Absolutely NOT!

Why? Because I gave him the opportunity before and it was less than desirable once I arrived even with all the pictures he sent!

He went ahead to flight school and I was going to stay at the previous duty station so the kids could have some stability in school. We had originally decided to just stay there the entire length of flight school then move together once he graduated 14 months later. However we had some issues so he rented a house and the kids and I moved once they finished the year out.

OH MY GOODNESS. What he didn't mention was the house had a funky smell that no air freshener or steam cleaning or airing out could fix (I later found it was due to mold which I am extremely allergic to as well as the three dogs they had living in the house) The trees were CRAZY and everything was over grown and a freaking MESS. Sure he said he would take care of it but flight school requires very LONG hours and it was left up to me. Allergies from hell to put it mildly. Oh did I mention the house was infested with ROACHES?!?! That house made me physically ill.

Never ever EVER again will he pick out a house without me. When we PCS'd to upstate NY it was awful trying to find a house while living in a dinky hotel for a month but we were able to find a shoebox I mean house that didn't cause allergic reactions within minutes of walking inside.

For our next move I will fly down ahead of time and do the house hunting.



PeaNut 24,259
November 2001
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:24:23 AM
Yes, I would. We are on the same page about what we like and he pays great attention to details. And I know he would send me long funny emails with photos and commentary.

Soo- where is it???

Talk Nerdy to Me


PeaNut 574,604
December 2012
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:45:23 AM
Not a house. A short-term apartment, yes. Not a long-term rental or house.

My dh can get very caught up in details when house hunting that seem huge to him befhore hand, but don't matter in the slightest in the long term. It's my job to talk him down about those things and get him to focus on the big picture. like you know, location, lay out, size? LOL


PeaNut 128,304
February 2004
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Loc: USA

Posted: 3/4/2013 6:48:30 AM
Yes. He knows me well and he knows real estate. I am also very laid back & not super picky. He is the one who pays attention to all the little details.

the lunatics have taken over the asylum

PeaNut 25,135
November 2001
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Posted: 3/4/2013 6:56:23 AM
Probably, yes. He's pickier than I am. He was a carpenter for many years, so he has an eye for the structure and possibilities for remodel.

My only issue would be any weird smells or allergens. He bought a car without me that reeked of mold. He's not allergic to it, so he brushed it off as a non-issue and thought it would be an easy fix. I literally couldn't drive the car without having an asthma attack.



PeaNut 203,642
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:01:02 AM
We've done it twice. The first time (1992) we were newlyweds living in two different cities until I finished my job. We had been looking for several months, and DH had a pretty good idea what I liked. He found a "steal" that needed TLC but otherwise had everything we wanted. He faxed me a floor plan and detailed description, and I said go for it. We were very happy in that house.

The second time (2000), we were relocating from FL to northern VA, and I was still in FL waiting for DD to finish K while DH started his new job. The market was going crazy! DH would go look at a house the first day it came on the market, and before he could even email a link to the listing, it would have multiple bids far over the asking price. He worked for a builder, and they got a cancellation on a home 3 weeks before it was supposed to close. He grabbed the cancellation and called "dibs" before the sales department could list it as a spec. He faxed me a floor plan and went out to see it. We had a signed contract less than 2 hours after the cancellation fax came through. It was a great house, and we loved it!

One thing that really helped? DH and I are "real estate junkies" LOL! Even when we aren't in the market for a new home, we enjoy open houses and touring model homes. He has a really good understanding of what I like or dislike in a house.


PeaNut 465,906
April 2010
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:02:55 AM
We're military too, and have been down this road several times.

The first place DH picked was horrible. It was in a retirement community and dark. No natural light whatsoever. The kitchen was so small, you had to hold your breath to get enough room to open the fridge. I was a newlywed and 22. It was a good lesson in what I did NOT want in a house!

Fast forward about 15 years. We were moving across the country and DH was at our new duty station for some TDY or another. It was 2005 and the height of the housing market. I sent DH a ton of listing that were old before the paper was printed, houses were selling so fast. He ended up finding a house through another listing, but it was a rental. At that point, I gave up and said fine, thinking we could buy once we got there. Well, the housing market fell and the rest is history. We would have lost $150,000 on that house if we had bought it, as we moved again a few years later. The house was good and we liked the landlord.

But I still think you are a brave woman!

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PeaNut 59,094
December 2002
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:13:46 AM
I'd trust him with my life. So is it terrible if I say I'd want to be there to choose a house?

I know he'd be good to check out the safety of a house. But there are things he would think are 'cool' that I would just hate. And since the kids and I would have to deal with it more often since we are here more, I would probably be able to talk him out of it when other factors would be more important to him and I'd have to bend.

So I'd really rather not let him do that since it's the biggest investment we own and not just a 'purchase.'

OK. Newbie. This is how it works. If your post consists of 80% sanity, 10% stupidity and 10% all kinds of crazy, we immediately focus on the 20% b/c it discredits the 80%.

Peaing From Podunk

PeaNut 45,443
August 2002
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:22:12 AM
I wouldn't have. My late DH didn't pay much attention to details. On the other hand, I bought our first house without him looking at it. And in fact he didn't even know I was looking for a house. DH was out of town (before cell phones) and a friend who was a realtor called and told me he had just looked at a house that was a great deal and he thought we should look at it. I told him DH was out of town but he insisted it wouldn't last the day so I went and looked. When DH got home, I had put in an offer and it had already been accepted DH was quite surprised


Mother Goose's Meandering Mind


PeaNut 294,285
January 2007
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:22:38 AM
Yes, I would. He is a home designer, so we look at houses all the time. He'd know what we need and what I would like.

Now, would I let him pick out clothes for me? No way!


Proud Pea-lice Wife!

PeaNut 41,743
July 2002
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:24:46 AM
If I'm being totally honest, DH would probably do just fine picking out our house.

The control freak in me says I'd never give him the chance!

The house you bid on sounds great! I hope it all shakes out in your favor!

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PeaNut 138,098
March 2004
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Loc: NC but wishing I was somewhere else

Posted: 3/4/2013 7:36:02 AM
Probably not. The next house we'll buy will be our forever home. I have to have a lot of input in it because I've learned a lot from living in our current house. I'm thinking we might even custom built it.

Good luck on your move. What an exciting time for you. We're military and still have 5-10 years until retirement.


PeaNut 220,209
August 2005
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:50:07 AM
Yes I would. Dh has a real good eye on things and always thinks of stuff that I never would. He's very creative.

He basically picked out the house we are buying now. At first I thought...no way! But after Dh telling me his vision I think he did a great job. I'm looking forward to seeing all his plans get finished!

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PeaNut 274,935
August 2006
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Posted: 3/4/2013 7:52:47 AM
One thing he would have to do is take pictures of the neighborhood. And the shopping nearby.
I found a great house once, but a drive a few streets over stopped us cold in our tracks.

I'd trust my dh, but only because he's more objective than I am.

Simple Crafter

PeaNut 220,574
August 2005
Posts: 2,382
Layouts: 25
Loc: Boise, ID

Posted: 3/4/2013 8:09:53 AM
I come from a military family and grew up this way. My Dad would look at homes, send mom pictures and then we'd move.

As for me, as long as I got to see pictures/video I'd be OK with it. We have pretty much the same tastes/preferences, so I trust his judgement.

"The sign of a beautiful person is that they always see the beauty in others"
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