if you have had a parent die......would you open this and help me
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 4/2/2013 by ginacivey in NSBR Board
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KikiPEA
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:12:59 PM

Everyone grieves differently.


This ^^^




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Mallie
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:20:57 PM
My bias that I'll admit up front is that I do find it disrespectful when a survivor has just buried their long-time spouse and is out dating pdq. In fact, I feel strongly enough about it that I've asked my dh that if he outlives me, to please wait 6 months before dating. (Of course, I'll have no way of knowing if he abides by his promise!)

I also have seen far far too many survivors end up with the "marry in haste, repent at leisure" problem. They were so scared/needy/whathaveyou and launched into another marriage with blinders on, only to wake up one day and realized they'd made a terrible mistake. I've truly seen only one of what I call "funeral reception relationships" work out happily. So at this point, when I see a survivor jumping into another relationship pdq, I am pretty cynical about it being a good idea.

ETA: I think also my bias is due to having seen the survivor act as though their deceased spouse is totally out of their hearts/thoughts and get angry at their children for grieving and not being ready to "move on." If the mantra of "everyone grieves differently" is supposed to confer acceptance on the apparent quickness of the grief process in a surviving spouse, then the surviving spouse also needs to accept that their kids may have a much slower grief process and are unable to move on as quickly.

beachgirl55
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:22:47 PM
My friend's father died last summer. Her parents were happy together. If her Mom could have found someone the next week to date she would have. She had been with her husband since they were teenagers and we approaching 50 years together. She is SO lonely.

Ann

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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:29:41 PM

have you all dealt with anything similar or just speculating?



Sorry, Gina; I was away after my first post. And yes, we have been through something similar. And it was definitely a fact of our family friend who had had a rough long marriage, and he latched on to someone fairly quickly after his wife had passed. I also think he was one of those types (that I mentioned earlier) that needs to have companionship and doesn't do as well alone.

My FIL lost his wife this past summer...he is completely miserable. We WISH he would find some companionship, honestly.



ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:30:38 PM

I think you are probably right. To the boys maybe it feels like she has just run away from her old life, which in their minds might mean she's run away from them as well. They would probably love to run away from the real world too but they can't right now, at least, because their mom has.

Everyone grieves very differently which is why I think there are so many ill feelings in families after the death of a loved one. We often project our own feelings and emotions and timelines onto others and then are completely blindsided when they express their grief in a manner that is completely different than what we would do.




i think this hits the nail on the head.
and it feels like i am living on a reality show


SEVEN WEEKS!? I don't care if she hated the man, he deserves more mourning than SEVEN WEEKS!

I would be having a VERY hard time if I were in their shoes. For crying out loud, you shouldn't even date after a divorce for many months, but a death of a mate for life?!

Rubs me as extremely predatory on the part of the guy and extremely disrespectful of the husband by the woman! Did she come into a lot of money? Is this a rebound money honey?

Truly understand how they would be angry, I would be PISSED!


sometime i feel like screaming this - and it's exactly how my DH feels

and to be honest i am looking forward to her leaving for her other house later this week - the whole out of sight out of mind

cept for the animals - i get to feed them again

i wish she'd have him bring his 'big ass horse trailer' up here and get them -

if she is going to be gone it's not fair to those of us left behind to take care of her place - nor is it fair to the animals

gina

ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:32:04 PM
and thank you all for being gentle
my nerves are completely frayed at this point
i am either crying or a raging bitch

gina

Shiloj
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:32:57 PM
We went through this almost exactly last year.

My DHs mom died unexpectedly. She had been gone exactly one month when his dad started dating again. He was engaged withing 6 months and married within 7 months of her death. Its been almost a year since the wedding.

Honestly the only thing that is made it better for DH is time. He had a hard time at first his feelings/heart got in the way. But then with time (and some gentle reminding from me) he realized his dad was happy and that it didn't mean that his dad didn't love his mom, but just that his dad was the type that was not good on his own.

A lot of DHs siblings (he has 8 of them ) have not accepted the marriage/her and probably never will. I think she is adorable and to good for my FIL

So my best advice for you: listen to him vent, rage, cry and be angry, don't let him take that vent/anger anywhere but to you (there was a lot of back stabbing and siblings trying to score points with FIL and the eventual inheritance that will be there by throwing other non supportive siblings "under the bus" but that is another store), remind him that this man does not need to replace his dad (I think even as adults we have that fear), help him see the positive in this.

In cases like this that old adage time heals all wounds, is probably true.



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ceepea
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:33:04 PM
I am just going to answer the question and not deal with the other things. My Dad did not wait quite a year, probably 10 months. Honestly, I was not at all happy..it had nothing to do with how long he waited. I dont think I would have been happy even if he waited 10 years. That is just the way it is, he is supposed to be with my mother and no one else.

I totally get how they are feeling. They are entitled to their feelings. That's the thing about feelings, you cant alway control them. You may be able to control how you react to them, but that doesnt make them go away.

sorry if that didnt make much sence.

Hugs to your family for the loss of your fil.

GiaRenee
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:34:23 PM
I don't give a rat's @ss what someone does after their spouse dies, but i can tell you one thing, to discount or minimize how your own children feel after losing their parent, adult or not, is completely uncompassionate and self centered.

ramblin72
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:42:12 PM
i think it's a glass half empty half full thing
if she was sitting around moping and being dependent on them, that would also upset them
i also think the mindset of an older age person is different then a middle aged person
a middle aged person feels they have time.
an older age person knows time is ticking and not to waste it on ifs, buts and maybes
it may look impulsive but it may make perfect sense to her

taysmommy
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:45:22 PM
My dad waited a little less than a year before he started seeing someone after Mom passed away. Dad sat my brother and I down before he started dating and explained to us that our mother was the love of his life and that no one would ever replace her. But he was lonely. And sometimes he just wanted to have someone to talk to or have dinner with. He also went and talked with my mom's mother. He didn't want anyone thinking that he was trying to replace Mom.

That was very helpful. My brother and I knew that Dad was lonely and we thought it would do him some good to go out. I did ask that he not call whoever he was dating "Dear", because that was what he and DS called Mom. And I just wouldn't feel right hearing him call someone else that.


Mom passed away 6 years ago and Dad has dated 2 people in that time. One we loved...the other was horrible. Dad was miserable and only stayed with her because he was lonely. She and I didn't get along at all. She was jealous of my relationship with my dad and tried her darnedest to get between us.

Could your DH and his brother go talk with her and tell her how they feel? Or would you feel comfortable telling her something like that? She won't know unless someone tells her, and until then a whole lot of resentment will build up. And that's not good for any relationship. I hope everything works out. Message me if you want to vent.



scrappower
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:45:33 PM

I don't give a rat's @ss what someone does after their spouse dies, but i can tell you one thing, to discount or minimize how your own children feel after losing their parent, adult or not, is completely uncompassionate and self centered.



Who is doing that here though?



scrappower
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:48:12 PM

I am just going to answer the question and not deal with the other things. My Dad did not wait quite a year, probably 10 months. Honestly, I was not at all happy..it had nothing to do with how long he waited. I dont think I would have been happy even if he waited 10 years. That is just the way it is, he is supposed to be with my mother and no one else.

I totally get how they are feeling. They are entitled to their feelings. That's the thing about feelings, you cant alway control them. You may be able to control how you react to them, but that doesnt make them go away.

sorry if that didnt make much sence.

Hugs to your family for the loss of your fil.


Really? So the other person should have to be alone forever because you can't handle it? That is simply mean to be honest. Life does and should move on. Yes you can be upset about it for the rest of your live but it is a waste of energy that could be spent on something productive.



GiaRenee
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:50:09 PM
Scrappower -I'm just saying if there is tension and anger between the surviving spouse and the kids, then that is my opinion. Not necessarily saying anyone is doing that.

I just briefly skimmed through.


*KelleeM*
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Posted: 4/2/2013 3:56:32 PM
My Mom died a year ago today at the age of 79. My parents were 8 weeks shy of their 60th anniversary when she passed. My Dad is 82 years old and doesn't seem to have any interest in any kind of dating. He's fairly healthy for his age. I think a big thing for people is the being alone part. My Dad lives with two of my adult brothers (long story but one owns the home we grew up in and had never left, the other left many years ago and returned after his wife passed away) and Dad is not alone. I don't know how I'd feel if he started dating but I guess since it's been a year I wouldn't be upset. Seven weeks...I think I would have been really saddened that he didn't wait longer.

So sorry for your loss, OP.





Eleezybeth
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Posted: 4/2/2013 4:13:55 PM
MIL fought cancer for 6 years. She was dead 3 weeks when FIL asked me to take his online dating profile picture. I was shocked. Gobsmacked. DH was upset. FIL knew and felt the need to explain himself - we never asked. He had been lonely and grieving for nearly 3 years due to the progression of the disease. He was on a date within a month. He "loved" her instantly which was difficult to read about (he would forward parts of emails). She was using him though and he clued in after about 5 months. About 9 months after MIL passed, he met his current girlfriend and they seem to be doing well 4 years later.

When my aunt died, her BFF moved in the next day "to help" and never left. We always wonder if there wasn't an agreement prior to aunt's death. They got married about 5 years later.

My dad died 18 years ago. Mom dated one schmuck. I'd love for her to meet someone!!

moveablefeast
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Posted: 4/2/2013 4:25:52 PM
FWIW, it is very common for a happily married older person to, after losing their spouse, date and marry again quickly. It doesn't make it easier for the family to cope with, but it is very common, and quite normal. I wish your family peace but hope you will take encouragement from the fact that she is not rejecting his memory, she is moving forward with the rest of her life with a heart full of happy memories.

myboysnme
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Posted: 4/2/2013 4:42:32 PM
That is so hard for adult kids who had their parents together their whole lives. It kind of makes them feel like maybe their parents marriage wasn't what they thought it was.

However, there are so many scenarios that kids never know - whether or not mom promised dad she would not be alone too long, whether the marriage had been over for awhile, whether mom knows how to live without a man, etc.

She may see how very short life really is and feel she wants to grab happiness where she finds it.

None of this means she didn't love their dad and that she doesn't love them. But possibly she knows she only has one life to live, and she wants to live it without regret.


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ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 4:47:36 PM

I don't give a rat's @ss what someone does after their spouse dies, but i can tell you one thing, to discount or minimize how your own children feel after losing their parent, adult or not, is completely uncompassionate and self centered.


it does feel like she minimizes how they feel
she keeps saying 'they'll just have to get over it", or "it's my life"

this gentleman lives 10 hrs from here - down where her other home is

i wish she'd have just done her thing down there and waited a couple more months before she said anything

i think she was feeling a bit of guilt and wanted to unburden herself...

now all we here is how much she hates it here - which can sound like 'i don't care enough about you all to stick around' - i know she doesn't mean that but it's how it feels

she is literally counting the days til she can leave

and plans on missing a bridal shower for the fiance of another grandson

and look at me...still finding fault instead of trying to understand

this shit is hard

gina

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Posted: 4/2/2013 4:56:36 PM
My mom and dad were married for 50 years and 3 months when my mom died. She had been ill for years, and my dad had taken care of her every step of the way, foregoing his own chemo to take care of her.

Six months before my mom died, my dad's college roommate died. The roommate had been married to his wife for 49 and a half years. My dad and this gentleman were in the same field, engineering, so they were in contact off and on throughout the years.

A year after my mom died, my dad started dating his roommate's widow. 6 months later, they were married.

My reaction was nothing but happiness. Other family members on my side questioned her motives, but the people who were actually around them and saw them together (me, since I lived the closest), knew that it was a true and loving relationship. They had a short but happy life together before my dad died.

In talking with my now step-mom, she has said that it's incredibly lonely being a widow. After everyone leaves the funeral, it's just you, alone, in your home. People don't call or check in all that often. And even those that do make the effort aren't there for all the hours of the day, every day, don't tuck them in at night, hug them, hold their hands. I know that my dad loved my mom. I know that my step-mom loved my dad. But if she finds someone else to love, that will be a good thing, not a bad thing.


Nancy

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Posted: 4/2/2013 6:25:35 PM
I've read that when someone marries quickly after a spouse dies it is a reflection on how happy they were in the relationship. They loved being married so much that they are eager to duplicate the feeling again.

My DH's uncle married the woman working at the mortuary where his wife's funeral was held. Now that is fast!


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~*kristina*~
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Posted: 4/2/2013 6:32:40 PM
My parents were divorced when my mother passed away, but my DH's mother remarried two weeks after my DH's dad died. Me thinks his momma was fooling around while his father was sick. When that guy died, she re-married 6 months later. I also think she doesn't like being alone.






scoobers
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Posted: 4/2/2013 6:44:32 PM
My mom died Dec. 13th. Dad's first visit back to church for regular services was a few days after Christmas. A woman (a widow who was from this area but was living out of state) was there visiting her aunt/uncle, who attended the same church.

She and my dad talked by phone for 6 months before they visited. They married 2.5 years later.

My dad was lonely, he says she's a lot of fun. (I can't stand her but that's a story all in itself.) He will tell you he still loves my mom, that she was the greatest love of his life but he doesn't want to live alone.

I understand completely what you family is feeling. My best words of wisdom are this: It's not about mourning the loss of your FIL. She's mourning and will likely do so for the rest of her life. But there's something about losing a spouse at that age that makes them want to find another companion right away. I don't know if it's fear of being alone or what, but they do it.

I would just be watchful that if she would look at getting remarried, that her assets are protected. My dad was very, very careful about that. The only thing we could not 'protect' was things governed by state law, if something happens to dad first we have to allow her to live in the house tax free for 5 years.


and thank you all for being gentle
my nerves are completely frayed at this point
i am either crying or a raging bitch


Normal. Totally, perfectly normal.
It's a process Gina, you're still very early in it. Trust me, she's doing some of the same, you're just not seeing it. I see it in my dad. I watch when I have pictures out, how he still stare at those of my mom, how his eyes will tear up....they grieve...trust me they do.




lynlam
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Posted: 4/2/2013 6:57:12 PM
TOTALLY dealing with this right now.

My dad started seeing an old friend of theirs just a couple weeks after mom died last summer. She had lost her husband earlier in the year. That didn't last long, ended badly as you can imagine, when he then started seeing another woman in the fall.

This lady happens to be his nephew's (so, my cousin) mother-in-law, also a widow. She is absolutely lovely, I have no issues with her - I'll just say that up front.

I had a feeling they were getting pretty serious, when she went to visit him in Florida in January. He and mom had rented a condo for January right before she died, and he decided to go ahead and go anyway.

Well, this past weekend, Dad informed us that she is going to be moving in with him - to the house that is still filled with my mother's presence and memories - at the end of this month.

It is very hard to swallow. I am still grieving, so I can't understand how he is moving on. However, I recognize that this is the child in me reacting. The adult in me, however, realizes that he and mom had had a terrible relationship for the past decade, and they had pretty much hated each other for years.

I also recognize that even though she made him miserable, he has never been alone in over 40 years, and he is still young (63) and in good health and wants to enjoy his retired years. (he retired just a few months before mom died)

Now he has met a woman who has no health issues that prevent her from traveling, as mom had. And he has the financial ability to do so, but doesn't want to do it alone.

I am just really having a hard time with the moving in together thing. I am trying not to be angry and jealous, but it's hard.

I was actually starting to believe that I could have a real relationship with my dad, do more things with him, he could be really close to my girls.

Now I already feel like he is choosing the new lady over us. He might not go on vacation with us as planned over the 4th of July (to his favorite place on earth), because her DD is expecting her 2nd child in mid July. So in essence I feel like he is choosing my cousin's kid over my kids.

And my cousin and his wife have the same reservations and feelings as I do.

But, I am putting on my big girl panties and I am going to be happy for my Dad. He doesn't need my approval, and I don't want to upset him. My sister, on the other hand, is probably more like your DH and his brother. She is not handling it well at all. She is angry with him big time I think.

Anyway, sorry to get rambly on you...Its kind of comforting to know, though, that my Dad isn't abnormal or heartless for moving on so quickly.

Good luck to you.





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ginacivey
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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:01:04 PM
lynlam and scoob...and all of you...thank you so much for sharing your stories

i really was thinking that my MIL has lost her ever-lovin mind! i just couldn't imagine that other people out there had/were dealing with this type of thing

i am going to sit down with my husband...when he isn't tired/stressed and discuss a few of these things

y'all are great!

GINA

huskergal
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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:01:16 PM
My mom died in June. My dad is stil grieving. He is 85. I can't imagine him finding someone. He keeps busy with work. We try and see him as often as possible.

However, one of my best friend's mil's died unexpectedly. Her fil became serious with a woman just a few months after her death. He did not do Christmas with the family. The kids (ages are in the 40s and 50s) are really struggling with it.


Susan



omarakbt
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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:02:59 PM
Statistically someone who has been in a happy marriage, a long marriage, in particularly men, often get into another relationship fairly quickly. And I totally understand how difficult it is for the off spring to see a parent doing what doesn't appear to be grieving but in fact having a good time
My MIL passed away, my FIL made a "grief" journey, visiting friends and family. One of the women he called on was a long time acquaintance whom he ended up marrying. This after 9 months. They had a wonderful 25 years together.
My dad passed away in 2001. My mom reconnected with a long t ime friend that they had known as couples. He had lost his wife of 64 years the year before. They married relatively quickly but they were 87! They had wonderful companionship for 4 plus years before he passed at 91. My mom misses him every day. She still misses my dad but he was ill a fairly long time before passing.
So yes it's hard on the off spring. But when they have had that companionship for many years they are just plain lonely. There are things they can do to protect themselves and that should be discussed, not because you don't want them in a relationship but because it's for their well being.
Loneliness is hard to over come. Finding someone to laugh with, to walk on the beach with, to watch a TV movie with is really what it's all about for most who have lost a spouse.


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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:14:05 PM
Oh man this is a really tough situation.

Only 7 weeks since her husband passed is NOT enough time to work through the grieving process. Like-seriously. It's not. We all know that but we also know that we can't expect people to act rationally when they are in crisis or drowning.

With any hope, he's a rebound guy. She's probably freaking out about being alone.

I suggest making sure he knows there is plenty of family around, on top of things and very involved in her life, particularly her finances. He could be the nicest little old guy in the world. We all would like to think that. He could also be a manipulative predatory jerk who waits for widows to cross his path. Especially ones with vacations homes.

Try not to tell her what to do. She'll do the opposite cuz that's what people do, right?

Your husband and son are also grieving greatly. This doesn't help. I'm sure they are just about over it. It's so annoying.

ceepea
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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:26:09 PM
I never said I couldn't handle it, just that I wouldn't like it. He would never know, he did meet a lady friend and she was over for holidays and such, but it still felt-I don't know-like I was being disrespecting my mom. He is in hospice now and she is still sending him cards.

TinCin
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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:33:27 PM
I wonder how they would feel if she judged them as harshly as they have judged her. She was married quite a while, she was most likely extremely lonely and was looking to reproduce that relationship she had lost. They may feel she didn't grieve long enough but everyone deals with loss differently. I would imagine she is still grieving and using this relationship to distract her from the pain.

She will also need to cut them some slack because losing your father is hard. They are also still grieving. The best thing that can happen is that they all be kind to one another for their choices.


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MikeWozowski
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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:34:01 PM
i will reiterate that people who were in happy marriages tend to find someone else rather quickly.

also, it seems, men like to find someone to take care of them as that is what they are used to.

my mom is the widow. she has not dated and doesn't intend to. she keeps busy with volunteering.

ddebs87
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Posted: 4/2/2013 7:40:49 PM
Heck, my parents were married and together when my dad died. My mom brought another man to his visitation. They were late and she held his had at my dad's casket. They got engaged a month later and fricken married 2 months and 2 days after my dad died.

I got nothing to add to how you all should feel. My mom's husband died a year later from a brain tumor. It has been 18 years and it still pisses me off. And yes, I was PEA LIVID.

WillowJane
Running the Marathon, Not the Sprint

PeaNut 110,589
October 2003
Posts: 7,059
Layouts: 8
Loc: Texas

Posted: 4/2/2013 7:42:35 PM
Been there, done that, have the t-shirt and will be staying with couple for most of the summer because the grandkids love hanging out with the new guy

The best statement I've seen thus far is from scrappower:

    At her age she probably doesn't want to be alone and is probably feeling her own mortality quite strongly. Honestly I would hope they can just chin up and wish her well. Life is just too short you know.


and

    Some people just don't know how to be alone.



Pea-T-A-Mom
Scrapmaven is stalkin my Kitteh!

PeaNut 159,334
July 2004
Posts: 13,987
Layouts: 0
Loc: Left Coast

Posted: 4/2/2013 8:12:19 PM
Well, my mom died when I was 9, dad remarried 3 years later.

But for someone older, who is used to being married, often times the remarriage is quicker.

They are lost without a spouse, if they've been married a majority of their life.

And, as one gets older, there is the end of life situation presenting itself - "how much longer will I live? Why should I wait? Time's short!"

Why not be happy for someone who wants to have as much companionship as possible? I don't understand why loved ones would rather see their relatives alone and unhappy in their later years.

It is hard enough to find a life partner when you are young, the probability goes down once you are beyond child bearing age. Why begrudge someone a chance at happiness?


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TXDancermom
AncestralPea

PeaNut 146,748
May 2004
Posts: 4,229
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Posted: 4/2/2013 8:16:29 PM
I agree, everyone grieves differently. my mom passed away suddenly, and 2 years later my dad remarried. big difference in that they had known each other since grade school, they all grew up in the same town, and they lost contact when they went to college/away to war. My dad wrote to her after her mom passed, and the rest is history.

I was happy for dad, he had been very lonely, and the last few years with mom had not been pleasant. Brother and I had no problem with the marriage, but our sister did, and but she more or less accepted it after a number of years(kind of had to after 20+ years).


Chlerbie
Lover of Tubas

PeaNut 14,100
April 2001
Posts: 12,011
Layouts: 86
Loc: The other side of MA

Posted: 4/2/2013 9:50:15 PM
My aunt and uncle had the best relationship of any couple I'd ever seen. When my Uncle died, we were all shocked when my aunt remarried in under a year to someone she had known from church. He's absolutely NOTHING like my Uncle and their relationship is totally different. I think she just was so used to living life with a partner and just couldn't do it without one. I'm happy that she's happy, but it's still really strange for me, though I don't let her know that. She has two sons, one of whom has had lots of issues with it and one who's been very accepting. And it's still that way five years later.


Stephanie

I'm an enigma. Or am I?

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melissa
O-pea-gyn

PeaNut 4
February 1999
Posts: 15,113
Layouts: 228
Loc: NJ

Posted: 4/2/2013 9:55:29 PM
I haven't read the entire thread, so I apologize if this has already been said in some way.

When my mom died, my dad was dating 6 weeks later. They had been married 42 yrs.

He moved out of the home they shared for most of their marriage and most of my life into a retirement community. The woman he bought his new home from has some very wise words for me. She had been a widow for 15+ yrs. She told me how some just can't be alone and that if someone does start dating so quickly it is actually a reflection of the strength and love of their previous marriage.



Annabella
Leads a Charmed Life

PeaNut 43,843
July 2002
Posts: 43,791
Layouts: 46
Loc: East Coast

Posted: 4/2/2013 10:11:57 PM
I'd be curious how your dh would feel if it was reversed, if it was his mother that passed away and his father was dating so quickly? Just a thought.




rcarpen
PeaNut

PeaNut 530,820
November 2011
Posts: 228
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Loc: Greensboro, NC

Posted: 4/3/2013 1:45:32 AM
My mother raised me to be independent and to be able to take care of myself. She did not work outside of the home and wanted me to have options in life that she did not have. She had high standards and held me to them. I had a healthy and happy childhood. My Father passed away in Sept of 2010. Within 3 days of burying my Father, I found out my Mom had reconnected with someone that had intruded into my parents marriage. My parents had chosen to stay together and had what appeared to be a healthy and happy marriage. Within 3 days of my Dad's passing, I also discovered that my Mom had been in contact with this man, while my Father was dying. I had a really hard time with this and still do. Last fall I felt like I was finally ready to meet him. My Mom keeps finding ways to avoid the meeting, etc. I'm baffled because a few months after my Father's death she tried to force me into a meeting with her new friend. I'd be lying if I told you that I am handling this okay. I am surprised my my feelings because I believe she has every right to be happy. Something just doesn't feel right and I can't seem to shake it. I have given myself all of the time I needed to grieve over the loss of my Father. However I am still shaking my head on this one. I am willing to move forward and meet her friend but she seems to want to keep this part of her life private. It's baffling to say the least. I'd like to believe that I am open minded about things but truthfully, it's a different story when it's happening to you. So I totally understand what you're going through. It's complicated is all that I can say!


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HannahRuth
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 169,795
September 2004
Posts: 2,956
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Loc: Adelaide, Australia

Posted: 4/3/2013 7:34:07 AM

While I understand that children may get upset at what they think is a very short time to grieve but I have had this conversation with a recently widowed neighbour and this is her take on this.

Her husband had a massive heart attack 20 years ago and since then has had continuous periods of ill health. For the last five years he has been very ill with long periods of hospitalisation and recuperation.

He passed away in November and as we talked about him she explained that while she was devastated at his passing she had already been grieving for a long time at the loss of her husband that was.

So I guess it is very difficult for children to see their parents move on but if a partner has been ill for a long time a lot of grieving has already taken place.

Tome it is not that they didn't love or care for their partner but the survivor has to be able to move on and do as they seem right for them.

HannahRuth
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 169,795
September 2004
Posts: 2,956
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Loc: Adelaide, Australia

Posted: 4/3/2013 7:34:09 AM

While I understand that children may get upset at what they think is a very short time to grieve but I have had this conversation with a recently widowed neighbour and this is her take on this.

Her husband had a massive heart attack 20 years ago and since then has had continuous periods of ill health. For the last five years he has been very ill with long periods of hospitalisation and recuperation.

He passed away in November and as we talked about him she explained that while she was devastated at his passing she had already been grieving for a long time at the loss of her husband that was.

So I guess it is very difficult for children to see their parents move on but if a partner has been ill for a long time a lot of grieving has already taken place.

Tome it is not that they didn't love or care for their partner but the survivor has to be able to move on and do as they seem right for them.

HannahRuth
StuckOnPeas

PeaNut 169,795
September 2004
Posts: 2,956
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Loc: Adelaide, Australia

Posted: 4/3/2013 7:34:25 AM

While I understand that children may get upset at what they think is a very short time to grieve but I have had this conversation with a recently widowed neighbour and this is her take on this.

Her husband had a massive heart attack 20 years ago and since then has had continuous periods of ill health. For the last five years he has been very ill with long periods of hospitalisation and recuperation.

He passed away in November and as we talked about him she explained that while she was devastated at his passing she had already been grieving for a long time at the loss of her husband that was.

So I guess it is very difficult for children to see their parents move on but if a partner has been ill for a long time a lot of grieving has already taken place.

Tome it is not that they didn't love or care for their partner but the survivor has to be able to move on and do as they seem right for them.

Kelpea
Owner of "best tacky invitation" thread EVER

PeaNut 176,832
November 2004
Posts: 13,580
Layouts: 2
Loc: Stalking Dave Gahan

Posted: 4/3/2013 7:37:17 AM
Gina, how'd your talk with DH go last night? I've been thinking about you...



ratqueen
I drank the whole fairy.

PeaNut 233,449
November 2005
Posts: 7,082
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Loc: Here+There

Posted: 4/3/2013 8:41:14 AM
I will never forget sitting with my dad on his patio 36 hours after my stepmother died and hearing him tell me that he had a list of other women he might be interested in I was gobsmacked. I thought it was incredibly disrespectful of him and was left speechless.

But I thought about it and realized that he has never been alone. Like, ever. And he happens to be someone who doesn't like to be alone. He was dating within a couple of months of her passing (which was sudden, like less than 3 weeks from diagnosis) and I felt judge-y of him at first, but then I realized that a) it's none of my business if he wants companionship and it doesn't necessarily mean that he cared any less for my stepmother OR that he wasn't grieving for her. It was just his way of getting through it and moving forward.



Kluski
AncestralPea

PeaNut 39,382
May 2002
Posts: 4,688
Layouts: 10
Loc: mid-atlantic region

Posted: 4/3/2013 8:46:21 AM
I don't know you family dynamics but if MY mother missed her DIL's shower and birth of a grandchild I would be seriously concerned that someone was controlling her actions. Could this new
I've interest be interested in the insurance money from your fathers death? Is she paying for everything?

I know I mistrust far easier then I trust.


Dee

Cincysis
BucketHead

PeaNut 327,188
July 2007
Posts: 786
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Loc: Ohio

Posted: 4/3/2013 9:02:13 AM
I agree that we all grieve in our own way. Next, if she is lucky enough to find someone that she can spend time with then no one should judge. She lost someone that had been such a huge part of her life and then to have that empty space sometimes is just unbearable. On the other hand, if her personality has totally changed toward family and friends and being around them then someone who was close needs to talk to her privately and ask if all is ok. Grandchildren are a blessing but this woman also needs to have her time.

Cincysis
BucketHead

PeaNut 327,188
July 2007
Posts: 786
Layouts: 0
Loc: Ohio

Posted: 4/3/2013 9:02:27 AM
I agree that we all grieve in our own way. Next, if she is lucky enough to find someone that she can spend time with then no one should judge. She lost someone that had been such a huge part of her life and then to have that empty space sometimes is just unbearable. On the other hand, if her personality has totally changed toward family and friends and being around them then someone who was close needs to talk to her privately and ask if all is ok. Grandchildren are a blessing but this woman also needs to have her time.

kimberly38
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 198,401
March 2005
Posts: 6,711
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Loc: Wernersville, PA

Posted: 4/3/2013 9:09:28 AM
Until someone is actually in another person's shoes, they have no right to judge someone else, this woman's sons included.

They can say at this time, if something happened to their spouse, "Oh, I would never date again", or "I would certainly grieve a long time", but they really don't know, do they?

I work with seniors in their homes and I see a variety of situations. What childen seem to forget, is that they have their own lives. Do these sons want to fill the void their father left? Do they have the time to do so? Would a spouse want them to do so?

If mom and dad have been married a number of years, (whether happily or not), all of a sudden they have lost not only their partner, but really, half or most of their life. Here is a person they did things with, talked with, entertained with, went out to dinner, etc., etc. Now, all of a sudden, their home is quiet. Their life is quiet. The parent might still be a young and vibrant person and still able to do many things.

Ask the sons to think of many things they do during any given day that involves their spouse in some way, shape or form? Now, imagine waking up one day and not having that.

It is not so much the physical aspect of the relationship that a parent might miss, (and for many, that is not in the forefront of their mind, if at all), it is the companionship, the day to day things couples do. Just talking is a big one.

It does not mean that they do not miss the one they lost or will not ever stop grieving for that person. It just means that their life is still here and it should continue on in a way that works for them.

I cannot tell you how many seniors that I work with that are lonely and have wonderful families that are there for them, but not 24/7, but those families do not realize the loneliness that a senior feels, especially as they get older. It is not only feeling lonely, but as they get older, also the fact of their health/aging aspects, etc. They do not want to be alone if something should happen to them. I also see where so many children now want to try and tell their parent what they should do, when they should do it, how they should do it, why they should do it, etc., as if this person has not taken care of themselves their whole lives. All of a sudden, they are being treated like children by their children.

The sons deserve their grieving process just as mom does. It does not mean they have to understand it, but they should respect it.






Free~Bird
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now

PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
Posts: 11,552
Layouts: 3
Loc: Missouri

Posted: 4/3/2013 9:12:58 AM
I can kind of relate. Within 6 months of my dad passing, my mom was out trolling for men on the internet. The guy she ended up with is my oldest friends ex boyfriend and the father of her child. So essentially, my mom's boyfriend has a 6 year old. (my mom is 67).
It's really "weird". He's nothing like my father (that's probably good in ways).

Most gatherings are uncomfortable now for all of us and there is a lot of bitterness (especially with my sister) after 5 years.

From what you've said, I would say she's probably really lonely. As long as they don't get married ASAP, I would just stand back and let it ride.


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fredfreddy
Alex can't believe I still have this

PeaNut 120,522
December 2003
Posts: 19,699
Layouts: 546
Loc: never in one place very long (...in San Jose, CA)

Posted: 4/3/2013 9:14:54 AM
Yep some people. mostly men, need companionship and someone to take care of them. Joe and I both have an uncle who was widowed and re-married in under a year. They were married for 30 and 20 years each.


Alana

it rhymes with banana

mom to a 21 yo dd, 14 yo ds, and 11 yo ds and a scrapper for 13 years
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