Okay - After All These Years as a Pea I Have a "What Say the Peas?"
Post ReplyPost New TopicPosted 4/4/2013 by chktrk in NSBR Board
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chktrk
Al Ask A Pea

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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:10:49 PM
My daughter is getting married next month. She has never wanted a big wedding and isn't having one - her choice, fine with her dad and I. Her future mother-in-law tried to pressure her into a big wedding as they have a very large family and they want to celebrate. My future son-in-law intervened and told his mom there would be no big wedding. (Her other son got married last year and it was a 200+ guest affair.) My daughter asked that we take the 10 people that will be at the wedding to dinner at a favorite restaurant instead of a reception.

The kids agreed to a backyard cook-out the day after the wedding which has turned into a six hour event at a party room. Invitations were purchased and sent out - daughter and future husband got one...my husband and I did not. Daughter is not thrilled with the change of venue and size of the BBQ but is rolling with it. She had no idea we didn't get an invite.

So...do we plan on attending the gathering? When we first heard about the smaller event, I felt we were invited but now I feel like we'd be crashing a family affair. We don't live in the same community and fly out the Monday following the wedding on Saturday. This event is scheduled to last until 10:00 p.m. meaning we most likely won't see daughter and then husband before we leave town unless we attend the BBQ that we aren't invited to - something I don't like but if that's the way it is, that's the way it is. Thoughts?





sunny 5
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:13:44 PM
I would have your daughter inquire.with new family...maybe they didn't think you needed a formal invite.

scrapulous
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:14:50 PM
I don't know what Emily post would say, but I would call the mil and just ask for the details and say you never received your invite. I think it is very rude for them NOT to invite you, and so I would assume your invitation got lost in the mail. Seriously, I bet they meant to send you one, or it got lost. No WAY would they not invite you. No way.

UkSue
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:21:07 PM
Seriously how could you not be invited? Of course you must be invited! ( can you sense my outrage?) ask your DD to check with the in laws but to my mind, your invite must have gone astray, as who in their right minds would exclude the bride's parents?


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TinCin
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:28:25 PM
I would assume being the parents of the bride that the ILs thought you would not need an invitation. I would have thought that as her parents you would automatically be attending.


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AussieMeg
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:33:22 PM
There are 2 possibilities here:

1. The just assumed you didn't need a formal invite and of course you are invited.

2. The MIL thinks you're to blame for the refusal to have a big wedding and now she's paying you back!

I hope it's #1.

*HuskerFaninIL*
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:38:45 PM
The guests of honor got an invite, but you didn't? I don't think they felt like you didn't need one then. It very well could have gotten lost.

There is no way I'd not attend. Have DD or FSIL inquire, if they slighted you they most likely won't have the balls to say it. There is also the chance they thought maybe you'd already have flown home.


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Darcy_Collins
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:40:57 PM
I'm not quite sure of the etiquette for a post wedding event hosted by the parents of the groom for all the people the bride didn't want at their wedding. Particularly one held the day after the actual event. I'm thinking back to a cousin who eloped. I know his parents threw a true backyard BBQ a month or two later, just to "introduce the bride to the family" I don't think her family was invited, but then it wasn't the wedding weekend.

MonicaB
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:42:54 PM
You can't not attend. I would have your daughter inquire about your invitation. I can't even imagine them saying you were not invited.



Rebelyelle
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:45:20 PM
I think it's INCREDIBLY rude to host an event that celebrates a new bride and groom and to not invite (formally or otherwise) the bride (or groom's) immediate family - parents and siblings at minimum, and maybe grandparents as well. When you get married, you marry into BOTH sides of the family. A celebration of the couple should be inclusive.



lucyg819
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Posted: 4/4/2013 8:51:49 PM
I agree with everyone, you should have been invited. Now whether your invitation was lost in the mail, they're mad and didn't invite you, or whatever ... who knows.

Rather than calling them myself, I would ask DD or DSIL if they're willing to deal with it.

If not, I would call and say I think my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail.


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SueSume
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Posted: 4/4/2013 9:07:52 PM



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SMayer
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Posted: 4/4/2013 9:34:46 PM
Seriously?

You should be invited. Not only are you the parents of the bride, you are from out of town.

Have the bride or groom ask.

eebud
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Posted: 4/4/2013 9:34:46 PM
I would ask DD and soon-to-be Son-in-law to ask his mother about your invitation. It would be EXTREMELY rude of them to not invite you on the wedding weekend. If they were having a backyard BBQ a month or two after the wedding, I still think they should extend an invitation but they would know that since you would have to fly back, you probably would not attend.





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MetalDancer
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Posted: 4/4/2013 9:36:26 PM

2. The MIL thinks you're to blame for the refusal to have a big wedding and now she's paying you back!


After reading that your DD and FSIL got an invitation and you and your DH did not, sounds like she has her nose out of joint!


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Jili
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Posted: 4/4/2013 9:41:39 PM
That's unbelievable. I'm with all the others who think that your dd and sil should inquire about this on your behalf.


Jill

kmoller
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Posted: 4/4/2013 9:46:27 PM
Well your daughter told you to take your 10 or so people to dinner. Would you have invited your future in-laws? The in-laws are planning a rather large BBQ, they should have invited you as you're from out of town. I'm not going with 'lost in the mail' but rather with poor manners on the grooms parents part.
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Lexica

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Posted: 4/4/2013 9:49:26 PM
I certainly hope it got lost in the mail! If not, that is a pretty crummy way to start the young couple of on their married life - insulting the bride's parents.

chktrk
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Posted: 4/4/2013 10:06:51 PM
Thanks for the replies. I feel weird thinking about calling and asking about the invite. I don't know the future in-laws well and don't want things to get off to an icky start for my daughter.

Because the future bride and groom (the guests of honor) received an invite, my thought is that one should have been sent to my husband and I - even if it was thought that we were flying out of town. This just feels so icky! I hate to think that someone would get their nose out of joint because we are honoring our daughter's request for a small, intimate wedding.

The after ceremony includes the bride and groom, his parents, the friend performing the ceremony and a guest, the groom's brother and his wife (who happens to be my daughter's best friend) and my husband and I. With the exception of the guest of the friend, these will be the folks at the ceremony. (My daughter is an only child and the groom has just one sibling.)

This kind of stuff is part of the reason my daughter did not want a big wedding. She has seen too much drama with weddings of friends and wanted to avoid all that. Just icky.





MikeWozowski
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Posted: 4/4/2013 10:21:36 PM
the ne SIL should ask his mother about this. i think she did it on purpose.

mytwoandras
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Posted: 4/4/2013 10:31:02 PM
I think that your daughters new family feels like they were left out of the wedding ceremony so they are leaving you out of the bbq.

Does your daughter have grandparents that are not invited to the wedding? I can't imagine getting married and not inviting my family. I imagine it is uncomfortable for the SIL's mother to explain to everyone that they are not invited to the wedding. I know it is the bride and groom who make the decision, but that doesn't mean that people don't get hurt over it.


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tracylynn
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Posted: 4/4/2013 10:44:50 PM
Very honestly, if this happened to my parents, I would send my regrets to my new in laws with the excuse that my parents were going back home the next day.

Passive aggressive? Yeah, but I would not allow my parents to be treated this way.



benem
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Posted: 4/4/2013 11:26:25 PM
It would be extremely rude for them to exclude you from the party!


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Darcy_Collins
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Posted: 4/4/2013 11:26:44 PM

She has seen too much drama with weddings of friends and wanted to avoid all that.


It sounds as if you have a small family and your daughter is marrying into a large one. As a large family veteran, I have to warn her there is no way to avoid drama. I honestly think the post wedding reception is going to be awkward. I don't really understand how having a party the next day is going to somehow avoid a big wedding- it's just a delayed. Best of luck to you.


finally~a~mama
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Posted: 4/5/2013 12:04:34 AM

I think that your daughters new family feels like they were left out of the wedding ceremony so they are leaving you out of the bbq.


This is my thought as well. I think they are being extremely rude & the SIL should ask about it.




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Posted: 4/5/2013 12:50:01 AM
Well, I think it's rude for them to not invite you.
I hope things get better between you and her parents

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miominmio
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Posted: 4/5/2013 1:03:05 AM
Incredibly rude! If my inlaws had treated my parents like that, I would have been beyond upset... And very vocal about it

anniebygaslight
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Posted: 4/5/2013 1:11:32 AM
I'd turn up anyway, laden with gifts. Start as you mean to go on with these people! lol. They wouldn't dare turn you away, especially if it is a BBQ, with its air of informality. It would be a different thing if it was a sit down china and silver cutlery catered event.


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leftturnonly
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Posted: 4/5/2013 1:20:53 AM
Of course you feel weird about this, chktrk!

Something along those lines happened in my family. We went a LONG way to get there, too.

The bride let her husband's family run too much of the show for the wedding.

1-2 years later, she realized that she didn't really want to be married to this man any more. I'm sure it wasn't because of the wedding, but now that I read your post, I see how controlled she must have felt from then on. It explains a lot.


Based on that, I think it would be a good idea to talk with your daughter. If she wants to spend time with her parents, then she gets to do that and her new family has no right to make plans that will take that away from her.

It is inexcusably rude that you were not included from the get go. The bride and groom may have been the first to be invited, but you and your family should have been next.

If they're so controlling now, what are they going to be like in the future?

I hope your dd and her guy have strong backbones!







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Mary Kay Lady
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Posted: 4/5/2013 3:25:49 AM

I agree, that it's very rude of the groom's family to throw a party of this sort and not invite the parent's of the bride. I wonder if it would be best to have your son-in-law to be inquire about it on your behalf?

On another note, years ago, my older brother married a woman who was an only child. (There are five of us siblings.) I found out years after they married that the day after their wedding the brides parents hosted a party where the bride and groom could open their gifts. NO ONE IN MY FAMILY was invited, except my brother, the groom. At the very least, my parents should have been invited as parents of the groom.


ostrich girl
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Posted: 4/5/2013 6:45:56 AM

Whatever happens you better come back and post- I really want the answer to this one!


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Mallie
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Posted: 4/5/2013 6:49:19 AM
If I were the bride, I'd be having my groom ask his mother where the hell the invitation was for the bride's parents. If no invitation was forthcoming, I wouldn't be going to that event.

andtyler
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Posted: 4/5/2013 7:10:08 AM
Sounds like your hosted dinner the night before with the in laws may be a little awkward...



AKathy
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Posted: 4/5/2013 7:15:20 AM

I think it would be a good idea to talk with your daughter. If she wants to spend time with her parents, then she gets to do that and her new family has no right to make plans that will take that away from her.

It is inexcusably rude that you were not included from the get go. The bride and groom may have been the first to be invited, but you and your family should have been next.

If they're so controlling now, what are they going to be like in the future?

I hope your dd and her guy have strong backbones!

I think it's incredibly rude and would ask my future son-in-law to ask his parents where your invitation is.


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writermom1
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Posted: 4/5/2013 8:04:57 AM
Your invite was lost or something. I would check into it and go. You will likely be sorry later that they started their marriage with the weirdness of "the bride's parents did not attend."




Darcy_Collins
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Posted: 4/5/2013 8:26:26 AM
There is another possibility. Everyone is treating this like a "wedding" event. It is the wedding weekend after all. BUT the daughter doesn't want a big wedding, didn't want a big reception.

The MIL is basically just throwing a family party for the couple. If this "event", was 6 months after the wedding, I doubt anyone would think that the parents of the bride needed to be invited.

It is POSSIBLE, the MIL didn't invite the parents of the bride, because that will add to the feel of the event being essentially a big, wedding reception the day after the ceremony. It's POSSIBLE she's trying to abide by her future DIL's wishes to not have a big reception, so is trying to avoid the trappings of what is essentially a big reception.

Just a thought, before you go guns blazing.

Fraidyscrapper
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Posted: 4/5/2013 8:38:35 AM
That's funny, Darcy. Because I think having the party the day after the wedding is rude on it's face. It's a disingenuous way to have the wedding that THEY want, rather than what the couple want. And yes, if there were a celebration six months later, of course you would include the bride's parents - you are celebrating the marriage, they are the parents - you will be together at oddles of events in the future, God willing!

I would take an outfit for the barbecue, but say nothing. I am sure you can find a way for it to come up at the wedding dinner, that you weren't invited. They can then decide to extend the invitation or not. It's a shame that because your daughter's new in-laws are so bold, that you will lose time with your daughter before you have to leave. Are they postponing leaving for their honeymoon because of this?


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Posted: 4/5/2013 8:45:36 AM

That's funny, Darcy. Because I think having the party the day after the wedding is rude on it's face. It's a disingenuous way to have the wedding that THEY want, rather than what the couple want. And yes, if there were a celebration six months later, of course you would include the bride's parents - you are celebrating the marriage, they are the parents


Exactly.

I would not, as the daughter, stand by while this is done to my parents. I would ask what happened to my parents' invitation since it never arrived and then silently wait for the response.


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SDeven
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Posted: 4/5/2013 8:50:55 AM
Beyond the lack of an invitation for the inlaws...what's with planning an event the day after the wedding? When is the couple supposed to honeymoon? No way I would be going to a party w my family the day after my wedding, if I'm the bride.

Boundaries. Learn them quick.






scrapcreator
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Posted: 4/5/2013 9:13:45 AM
Have dd check. Perhaps it was lost in the mail.

However, I find it very telling that a back yard barbecue (which the couple wanted) has turned into a six hour party room affair put on by the groom's parents that sounds suspiciously like a wedding reception.

Just sayin'

Jeanne



Darcy_Collins
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Posted: 4/5/2013 9:30:38 AM

That's funny, Darcy. Because I think having the party the day after the wedding is rude on it's face. It's a disingenuous way to have the wedding that THEY want, rather than what the couple want. And yes, if there were a celebration six months later


We're in total agreement on the party the day after - I said earlier and I'll reiterate, I think the whole thing is a bad idea and is going to be awkward for everyone. Do you really want to be the guest at that event - the couple didn't really want you at the wedding (or reception), but we're having this "gathering" the day after, wink, wink!

I'm just suggesting that it's POSSIBLE the future MIL is not deliberately snubbing the parents with ill will, which is what everyone is assuming. She may be trying to not hold a wedding reception when the bride doesn't want one, even though that's exactly what she's doing.


PierKiss
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Posted: 4/5/2013 9:36:33 AM
Hell to the no. That is one party I would be crashing if they dared not invite us to the wedding reception they are throwing. And that is exactly what that is. How incredibly rude.

scrapmaven
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Posted: 4/5/2013 10:47:55 AM
This is a very weird situation and not on your part, by any means. I've never heard of a wedding reception(and that is effectively what the in-laws are hosting)where the bride's parents were excluded(unless the bride didn't involve her parents in her wedding in any way, due to abuse, etc.). I'm not sure what to say, because it doesn't even make sense that they wouldn't have invited you. Is your dd ready for a lifetime w/this family? Do they get along normally? Since the parents are her best friend's parents do you know them? Will your dd have in-laws or out-laws? You marry the family as well as the man. My vote is for your dd's fiancee asking his parents what gives. You put your wife first! You just do.


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PhotoHorse
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Posted: 4/5/2013 10:52:38 AM
I think YOU should call and ask about it rather than putting your daughter in an awkward position. And then, if you truly weren't invited, I absolutely have no advice for that. Yikes. Please post back to tell us how it all turned out.

Peabay
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Posted: 4/5/2013 10:53:07 AM
ITA with everyone else - your future son-in-law needs to say (not ask) to his parents: "Hi. Beloved fiancee's parents didn't get an invitation to the BBQ. They need the details. Thanks."

No "are they invited?" No drama, no recriminations - just "they need the details. Give them to them. Now."



Fraidyscrapper
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Posted: 4/5/2013 10:58:22 AM
You know, I was thinking "Say nothing to your daughter, don't put her in that position." But reading the other posts, it's true - she needs to know what life with her in-laws will be like. Maybe start by talking about this after-party with her and future-SIL and see what their feelings are in general, but it seems they should know you did not get an invite, so they can be aware.


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jjpswife
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Posted: 4/5/2013 11:05:57 AM
I feel terribly for your DD. She was able to say no to them once about the big wedding but when approached about this next-day crap, she probably didn't feel like she could say no, and likely had no idea what a big event it would turn out to be. I would be BEYOND frustrated if I were her.

Please do update us on this. I'm really sorry you are dealing with such a mess at what should be a more joyful time!



lucyg819
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Posted: 4/5/2013 11:23:51 AM

There is another possibility. Everyone is treating this like a "wedding" event. It is the wedding weekend after all. BUT the daughter doesn't want a big wedding, didn't want a big reception.

The MIL is basically just throwing a family party for the couple. If this "event", was 6 months after the wedding, I doubt anyone would think that the parents of the bride needed to be invited.

It is POSSIBLE, the MIL didn't invite the parents of the bride, because that will add to the feel of the event being essentially a big, wedding reception the day after the ceremony. It's POSSIBLE she's trying to abide by her future DIL's wishes to not have a big reception, so is trying to avoid the trappings of what is essentially a big reception.

Just a thought, before you go guns blazing.

This is really a reach, Darcy. It is beyond weird and rude to hold any wedding-related event the weekend of the wedding and not invite the out-of-town guests, let alone the brides' parents. Doing etiquette gymnastics to excuse this behavior is just offering cover to bad behavior.

I am holding out hope that the invitation merely got lost in the mail. Because the alternatives are all unpalatable and totally unacceptable.


LUCYG
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Darcy_Collins
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Posted: 4/5/2013 11:38:41 AM


This is really a reach, Darcy. It is beyond weird and rude to hold any wedding-related event the weekend of the wedding and not invite the out-of-town guests, let alone the brides' parents. Doing etiquette gymnastics to excuse this behavior is just offering cover to bad behavior.


For the record, I also think it's rude to hold a wedding event the weekend of the wedding and invite people not invited to the wedding reception - ETA you're talking about out of town guests - there ARE NONE as there aren't any "guests" to the reception at all. I think we've got all kinds of weird and rude going on here.

I am not trying to offer any cover for bad behavior. I am merely offering a possibility. I've actually found that a large majority of the drama of big families is because everyone automatically assumes the other person is TRYING to make a point by their behavior - the option 2 referenced by another poster. People come into situations assuming the other party is pissed off and is retaliating and an awkward situation turns into a family feud. It escalates. I'm saying if was in the OP shoes, I'd keep an open mind about whether the mother of the groom is trying to snub the bride's parents.

I have seen people make much worse faux pas (is that how you pluralize paux?) when trying to blend two different family traditions and expectations.

I'm sure I'm influenced by the fact that I didn't really appreciate the impact MY insistence on a small wedding put on my mother. I pissed off a large portion of my huge family, and my mom really bore the brunt of dealing with them. I'm just say, when dealing with large families and weddings there's a whole lot of crazy going on and sometimes people do things thinking they're smoothing one thing over and it blows up in their faces.


lucyg819
pearl-clutching nitpicker

PeaNut 201,774
April 2005
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Loc: gone to chemo with BethAnne

Posted: 4/5/2013 11:44:57 AM
Yes, there ARE out-of-town guests, and they are the OP and her DH. However, you have slightly mollified me with your thoughtful, reasoned response.

And yes, you pluralized "faux pas" correctly.


LUCYG
northern california

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."
--Bertrand Russell


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