new update- controlled teen daughter-update

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Posted 4/7/2013 by helphelp in NSBR Board
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PeaNut 30,673
February 2002
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Posted: 4/8/2013 5:17:41 AM
I hope you're still reading.

I posted on the last thread. I was adamant about your daughter's safety, as well as yours, and I still believe you should take your daughter out of town. It would force a break with him and would allow you to focus on your daughter's emotional and physical needs.

I also want to say, and I hope you're listening, that the advice you've been given this time around is more harsh because people are concerned for her safety and are hoping to get your attention. You haven't done enough and the clock is ticking.

Unfortuately, this all falls on you, especially if you're keeping her father in the dark. He can't possibly know how dire this situation is if you haven't told him about the baby. That also means that he can't be expected to make informed decisions when she is in his care. That goes for the rest of the adults you have entrusted to be with her when you cannot.

One last thing: I agree with Freebird. This is the best time you will ever have to help her break free of him. Don't let this opportunity get away. Her life and her unborn child's life depends on it.



PeaNut 429,864
July 2009
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Posted: 4/8/2013 6:24:23 AM
I totally understand've been totally blown out of the water by this situation and are having trouble getting your footing. While counseling is great, not every week and a half to two weeks. Your situation requires much more than that! I also get the embarrassment factor - certainly no one wants their business out there, especially when it involves stuff like you are going through!

I think you are in a terrible situation and are in way over your head (I would be too!) But every day you don't take BIG steps to resolve this you are wasting precious time. Your daughter's life is in danger. While that may be hard to accept, it's absolutely true. A few years down the road she'll still be in danger and probably sharing custody of a child who will be in danger of abuse also. Do you have any doubt that he'll be able to share custody and you'll be dropping this baby off with him and his psycho mom every other weekend?

Please do not waste another day trying to figure this out yourself. You (as well as most of us) are not equipped to deal with it. Take her to a domestic abuse/violence center TODAY!!! Get the right help today! Therapy for you is great, but it's not enough! Taking her to your therapist is not enough. You need to take a GIANT step today and get her the right help. Please for the safety of your daughter do this today!


PeaNut 298,891
February 2007
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Loc: North Carolina

Posted: 4/8/2013 6:52:06 AM
Epic Failure as a Mother. I never use those words against another parent but in this case they are needed. There was a million things you could have done before it got to this point and now there are a million things you can do to stop it. Stop crying and be her mother. Stop the internet into your home, have one phone and get a restraining order NOW! I saw two teenage girls get a restraining order against each other, it was not that hard to do.

I am starting to believe this is a troll because no mother can be that stupid. At least for society I hope not.


PeaNut 224,721
September 2005
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Posted: 4/8/2013 7:53:41 AM
I honestly wish it was a troll, it of course it would be a slap in the face to all of those who have been through it, but the thought of this girls life in danger and mom not doing not much at all makes me ill. The kind of ill in the stomach when i was going through it myself....I know the fear first hand and I feel the same thing for this girl. Boy it is hard to feel like that again.

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PeaNut 260,865
May 2006
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Posted: 4/8/2013 11:42:09 AM
I hate to see how quickly these types of threads devolve into shrill accusations and hysterical finger pointing-it's NOT helpful at all.

let me clear up some misinformation:

you can't just "go to the shelter"
a)the location is secret, because, it's a shelter for women to escape from their abuser
almost all shelters have a process in which they determine if someone is even eligible to go to the shelter (many are not, for various reasons)shelters often turn away a lot more people than they take in. this woman's daughter needs to meet very specific criteria and to be honest, it wouldnt surprise me in the slightest if she doesnt qualify at this time.

OP, have your daughter call the domestic violence hotline and talk to someone to help HER walk through HER options. if she won't call-you do it and have them help you make a list of what needs to be done.they should be able to get her information about things like a restraining order, support groups, community resources, safety planning, counseling, etc. your daughter needs to be involved as much as possible. she needs therapy ASAP.

the pregnancy-if she is planning on having this baby she needs to understand her legal situation and exactly what it means to have a child with a controlling, asshole lunatic. If you think things aren't pretty now, you are in for a very big wake up call if she continues this pregancy to term. the DV hotline might have some legal resources for her to contact to give her a clearer idea of what her legal situation/standing is.


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PeaNut 96,783
July 2003
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Posted: 4/8/2013 12:28:19 PM
I would remove every possibility of contact, completely. I would also take her out of school for the duration of this year. She can homeschool on line easily.


PeaNut 97,686
July 2003
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Posted: 4/8/2013 1:35:49 PM
I will take ownership of my feelings that the OP isn't understanding the situation or is letting emotions get the best of her.

OP, the time for action is NOW. I am glad YOU and in therapy. I know if I were in this situation with a child of mine, I would need therapy. What I don't understand is WHY your DD is not in therapy. She is the one in the situation. She needs to understand HER options.

I also have a difficult time wrapping my mind around you being concerned over your DD's reputation or being concerned that BF's mother wrote that you are a "bad" parent. Who cares what these people say or do? Let them bury themselves. You are putting too much stake in what they do and think. You are giving them all the POWER in this situation. YOU NEED TO TAKE THE POWER BACK!!

You need to do more than have 5 adults protecting your daughter. That isn't working and didn't work. You thought that BF and DD were not alone. You have gone past the point of simply "monitoring" FB and cell phone. This situation is much bigger than what you have done so far.

Of course your DD is defending him. That is what one does. She is 17 and doesn't get the big picture.

Clear and simple action items:
1. Call the Domestic Violence Hotline/Women's Shelter and talk to a counselor or someone who can help you. Information is POWER. You need a referral for your DD for counselling. This is bigger than you can handle on your own. They will have advice on the best way to go about protecting your DD, which is your #1 priority. Follow their advice.
2. Get your DD into counselling. Minimum twice a week right now.
3. Limit DD's cell phone to only call and receive calls from her "safe" persons. Emergency only. You may have to get her a new phone number, but, I am hoping that you can use the parental controls to limit it. You can also limit the times the phone can be used.
4. Delete Facebook, Pinterest, and all social media accounts for both of you. Look at it this way, then you won't know what that family is saying about you or your DD. That is a way of making them bury themselves. What you don't know, will not hurt you. If someone comes to you and says that they read something about your DD on FB, you can honestly act surprised and put the ownership back on the writer.
5. Remember this little piece of information: In this situation, paternity CAN NOT be established until the baby is born. Bottom line. I am not being judgmental at all towards your DD, it is just a fact. Whatever decisions your DD makes are HERS to make until the baby is born. Once paternity can be established, then the father of the baby has a legal right to be included in decisions made for the baby.
6. Get your DD to a OB/GYN now! They can give her options, etc. She needs to be under a physicians care. Teen pregnancy needs to be treated and monitored more closely.
7. Call and get a weekly counselling appointment for you.
8. Tell your DD's father about the pregnancy. Things will go better if you have a plan and some action items and not only the emotions.

You #1 priority is to support and protect your daughter.

What ever you do, you need to be doing this NOW! You think things are bad now, wait until your DD turns 18 years old and marries the jerk.

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PeaNut 176,832
November 2004
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Posted: 4/8/2013 4:14:50 PM
BUMP; please tell us a true update...we are very worried for your daughter.


PeaNut 260,665
May 2006
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Posted: 4/8/2013 4:36:21 PM
I have a friend who's daughter was a bit older than your daughter (20) and she had red flags about her daughters boyfriend. She had an suspicion of what was going on but her daughter assured her that wasn't the case and she could handle it.

She couldn't. The boyfriend murdered her daughter and then he committed suicide. Because he didn't want anybody else to have her. Oh and the corker - his suicide note demanded that he be buried next to her.

It wasn't until her daughters death that she found her journals and read just exactly how controlling, manipulative and abusive he had been to her. For years. She didn't tell anybody because of appearances and shame.

I pray that you are strong enough to make some tough choices and take some tough action in regards to your daughter. Otherwise, I fear your daughter is going to meet the same fate. I sincerely pray that doesn't happen.


PeaNut 131,500
February 2004
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Posted: 4/8/2013 4:41:17 PM
Anybody else wonder if the daughter lied about being pregnant to keep seeing the boy? If mom hasn't done a controlled retest or taken her to a dr there might not be a pregnancy.

I knew a girl in school who lied about it to keep her parents from trying to break them up.

I really really hope she's lying about the pregnancy as that just makes the whole thing so much more urgent and dire.

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PeaNut 281,551
October 2006
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Posted: 4/8/2013 5:09:12 PM
I find it hard to believe that any mom would have let her daughter visit the boyfriend alone if the conditions over there are as deplorable as the OP claims (she had to buy the boy blankets and a pillow? WTF?) and that's the main issue I have with this whole story.

If it IS all true, that girl needs a lot stronger parental figure than she's currently got if she's going to raise a baby. I personally think that if any situation ever warranted an abortion, this is it. I wouldn't waste time on a message board discussing seeing a therapist because we'd be at Planned Parenthood, and then off to a counselor.

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PeaNut 8,339
December 2000
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Posted: 4/9/2013 12:49:09 PM
OP, I sent you a peamail.


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PeaNut 272,954
August 2006
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Posted: 4/9/2013 1:35:35 PM
OP, I do NOT think you are a troll. I have had friends who were in a situation that they couldn't deal with because they didn't know what to do and were overwhelmed. They simply had no backbone. I hope you aren't like my friends, but it kind of sounds like you are. I mean no offense, although saying it to you probably is offensive. I honestly believe that you are probably scared and overwhelmed.

It sounds to me like you never had the kind of training to help you deal with anything overwhelming like this. However, you have been given a lot of good advice, including the fact that this is far more serious than what you seem to understand.

You definitely need to talk to a domestic violence (DV) expert a.s.a.p., and once they understand the background of the situation, put your DD on the phone. She needs to understand she is in serious danger, and she is not trained to be able to "help" this boy. It's WAY beyond her abilities or yours. He honestly sounds like he could be a sociopath.

Pull her out of school if possible. If you work, that isn't an option. As tempting as it is to send her away, she could end up on the phone and Internet with the boy once she is away from you, and he could go get her, and they could run away together. Not a good scenario. Unless YOU can take her and flee the state and go far away to relatives who will help you start completely over, don't just send her away. And yes, it is that serious. If you can get yourself and your DD completely off the boy's radar, that would be your best option.

You have remained silent as to why the girl's father doesn't know about the pregnancy. I agree he should be told unless he himself is abusive. If he is, I begin to understand your seeming timidity.

Knowing what you should do and actually doing it are two different things, but taking no action is likely to result in your worst fears coming true. Stop procrastinating. Get your DD in for a pregnancy test with reputable ObGyn. Find out if she really is pregnant. It does seem a bit early to be sure. I hate to suggest this, but it is possible your DD is also manipulating you with the reported pregnancy. Who helped her with the pregnancy test? Or she could be farther along than just six weeks. At any rate, you cannot afford to delay even one day to do whatever is necessary to protect your DD from this boy.

Take a deep breath, call the DV hotline, make the appointment with the ObGyn a.s.a.p. and find out what your DD wants to do about the baby if she really is pregnant. She needs to understand the danger she is in. She may not want to believe it, you may not want to believe it, but this boy is dangerous, and it is your responsibility as her mother to protect her, even if she doesn't want to be. Your time to act is quickly slipping away. Unless you can muster the courage NOW to act on what you need to do to protect and help her, you could end up with a much worse situation. Like a funeral.

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PeaNut 408,684
January 2009
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Posted: 4/9/2013 10:01:53 PM
OP - I've read every thread about this post, and hesitated to post. It's something that I've never shared here, but I just can't quit thinking about it, and hoping that it might help. I had a high school boyfriend. It was one of the most intense relationships of my life - and for not always the best reasons. We loved hard, we fought harder. While he didn't ever hit me, he did shove me a few times. Thankfully I went off to college before him and eventually we broke up. Best thing that ever happened in my life.

But HE didn't change. He got worse. He went on to other girls, eventually getting 2 girls pregnant. He now has 2 sons growing up without a father. Why? Because he's in PRISON.

Why? Because he went after the mother of his child with a knife. He's now locked up for aggravated battery, false imprisonment, aggravated assault, burglary, battery family violence, and cruelty to children. He had a promising NFL career, all down the drain. He's a smart guy with a college degree - it didn't matter. He beat the crap out of her in front of their child and held her at knife point, before she eventually jumped off a balcony and ran for help. She could have died. Luckily, she didn't.

A leopard doesn't change his spots. I got both smart and lucky. Your daughter can to. But YOU have to protect her. She doesn't know how to do it herself. Please protect her NOW.


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PeaNut 176,832
November 2004
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Posted: 4/10/2013 11:33:55 AM
Kelli, that was kind of you to share your story.

I would like to reiterate that it would be nice if OP could update us. I'm really worried now.


PeaNut 191,190
February 2005
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Posted: 4/10/2013 5:49:28 PM
Maybe she isn't updating us because she decided to turn off internet access in her home, to prevent the boyfriend from contacting the daughter via computer/cellphone? Or because she is busy taking the steps recommended to her to get her daughter away from the boyfriend and his family.

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PeaNut 250,388
February 2006
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Posted: 4/10/2013 6:18:30 PM

Posted: 4/10/2013 5:49:28 PM
Maybe she isn't updating us because she decided to turn off internet access in her home, to prevent the boyfriend from contacting the daughter via computer/cellphone? Or because she is busy taking the steps recommended to her to get her daughter away from the boyfriend and his family.

I pray you are right.


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PeaNut 163,613
August 2004
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Posted: 4/14/2013 2:59:16 PM
Update? I hope your DD is okay and getting the help she needs

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PeaNut 272,058
August 2006
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Posted: 4/14/2013 5:59:19 PM
Maybe she's not updating because of comments like

"Epic Failure as a Mother."

I can't imagine why on earth she would come back and update this thread, so she could be criticized even more for what she has done, and humiliated for what she's failed to do.

The irony: trying to get OP and her DD away from an abusive situation... by putting her down and shaming her into submission.

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PeaNut 163,613
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Posted: 5/3/2013 7:46:08 PM
Any update?
I've been thinking about this thread everyday

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Just one more post!

PeaNut 584,404
March 2013
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Posted: 5/3/2013 10:35:35 PM
I have been quite worried that my updates would not be good enough for some peas. I was shocked and hurt to see how some peas I really liked treated me. I just will never forget it. There is a big difference in giving stern and urgent advice and being down right mean.

I could not agree more with what Kristenfnj said about it being ironic how people were actually treating me in an abusive way.

To all of you that shared your advice and personal stories with me privately and those that shared publicly, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and am so grateful for each of you. As I have taken each step, your words go through my mind and help me. I have gone back and reread your stories and check lists and everything.

To update, a lot has happened. A LOT! Each day has been an emotional roller coaster but we are starting to see real improvement. There have been sad days, good days, devastating days, and down right frightening days.

First off, on April 13th, she started spotting and ended up having a miscarriage that weekend. This has been very difficult for her. The doctor determined she was between 8-9 weeks.

Everyone is now fully aware of all the details. Her father has stepped up more than I ever imagined he would.

We are keeping her safe!!!! We are working with law enforcement, three counselors outside of school, the school counselor, and her youth group leaders as well.

She has been getting so much out of the therapy. There were a couple peas that told me that I should know that "whatever she is saying has happened, it is actually worse". You could not be more correct!! It was much, much, much worse than she had ever let on or that I could have imagined!!!!!

Please keep praying.

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PeaNut 109,681
October 2003
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Loc: so. california

Posted: 5/3/2013 10:51:18 PM
Thanks for updating. I know people have been worried and wondering, me included since I have nieces and I can't imagine if this happened in our family. You sound like you are being strong and I'm glad you have other parties involved. I hope as days go by you will have more and more good days and less and less difficult ones.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 199,413
April 2005
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Posted: 5/3/2013 10:56:16 PM
I am so glad to see an update and such a great one! I think of your family often.

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PeaNut 289,166
December 2006
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Loc: Southern California

Posted: 5/3/2013 10:58:36 PM
I'm sorry for the miscarriage but hopefully she can move on with her life and not have anything more to do with this guy. I hope that when it's the right time, that she will be able to have as many children as her heart desires.

I'm glad you are getting her help and that her dad is involved now too. Sometimes my 16 yo DD can really put me on a wild ride and I think you're such a strong woman to be able to admit when your DD needs help and to get it for her.

May you continue on a path of healing for your whole family.

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PeaNut 41,258
June 2002
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Loc: Minnesota

Posted: 5/3/2013 11:15:14 PM
I am so glad she is getting help.

I understand some of the things said to you were hurtful and I am not condoning the name calling, but I do hope you understand that a lot of the blunt and harsh words came from a place of utter frustration and concern for the situation/your dd.

I felt bad for you, but you seemed a bit numb and naive, and I truly believe most of the women here were just trying to shock you out of what appeared to be a self absorbed stupor. I don't know that you were actually in a self absorbed stupor, but from this end, based on the responses you got, most people reading the post seemed to feel somewhat similarly.

Again, I am so happy things are mending, and I wish you all continued success, and happiness.


PeaNut 490,277
December 2010
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Posted: 5/3/2013 11:28:57 PM
I have been praying for you and your daughter. I am so sorry about the miscarriage. I hope that with help, she can escape the situation completely and make her plans for her future.

I am sorry you copped so much flack when you posted her for help but thanks for rig brave enough to give us an update. A lot of us really cared.
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PeaNut 307,675
April 2007
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Posted: 5/3/2013 11:48:59 PM

I am glad things are going better for your family.

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PeaNut 359,333
January 2008
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Posted: 5/4/2013 1:13:08 AM
You and your family are definitely in my prayers. I will never understand why peas call people trolls when there are legitimate situations. They have ran me through the ringer too. You are not alone. Just know for every rude pea, there are at least 10 more who really do care. I have been in an abusive relationship. It is hard to get out of. I am super lucky I did get out of it. I don't know if she would read a book but it would be even good for you to read it's titled "He's Just No Good For You". That book helped me see past his lies. To see he really didn't care but was rather controlling. I think this is the first time I have ever said it but I am glad she miscarried. I hate even saying that because I am so pro life but I know statistically domestic violence is worse when the woman is pregnant or when she leaves the relationship. Stay strong. You are going to counseling which is great. Maybe she will agree to go too. Like I sad you are all in my prayers. You are not a troll but rather a hurting mother. Don't listen to the jerks. I don't know why they have to be so mean! Big hugs to you and your family!


PeaNut 575,138
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Posted: 5/4/2013 3:26:20 AM
For some reason this all seems like a hoax. No offense, but really? You need to be told these things? Do you have an ounce of common sense? You keep whining the same tune as your last post. Frankly you're either playing the peas or you need serious help yourself! This should have been a no brainer!

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PeaNut 250,388
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Posted: 5/4/2013 6:38:12 AM
I am so glad for the update. I have been thinking about you and your DD often these past few weeks. It looks like you are taking the proper steps to remove yourselves completely from this very troubled kids' grasp. Still praying that all of you will remain strong and that your DD will go on to have a healthy, happy life. (((Hugs)))


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PeaNut 429,864
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Posted: 5/4/2013 6:39:03 AM
Sounds like things are on their way to improving! So glad that she is getting the help that she needs.

Hope you continue with your therapist too! Just because she is getting help now, doesn't mean you still don't need some support! Glad things are starting to turn around.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 274,935
August 2006
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Posted: 5/4/2013 8:24:45 AM
I'm not calling troll or no troll, I'd like to think maybe there is a shred of truth here and we all might help.

One thing that sticks out to me is why hasn't her father been told? Does he have control over you? Are you afraid he might lash out at the DD? Even if you were divorced, you 2 should have a common goal for your dd.

Forget her reputation. It's there, you can't change it. Lots of people make mistakes. You trying to hide her reputation allows her to keep secrets. You're attitude to protect that allows her to do as she pleases. She is talking to him, you just aren't willing to see that.

You haven't told us her thoughts. Have you sat down with her and asked? Unless she sees things as some of us do, only you are trying to keep them apart. She'll buy time, the pregnancy secret will get out and you'll have another set of issues.

No matter where you go, there you are!

PeaNut 421,136
April 2009
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Posted: 5/4/2013 8:33:44 AM
I'm sorry people here were so harsh to you. Parenting doesn't come with a book of guidelines and sometimes people are hit with such an overwhelming amount of crap to deal with that it is crippling.

I am glad your daughter is in therapy. I am sorry she had to go through a miscarriage. The peas may slam me for this, the good news is that not having the child breaks the tie that could have bound your daughter to this abusive idiot forever.

Please continue to support your daughter in therapy and at home. She needs to know that this kind of relationship is not okay and that she deserves better.

Best of luck to you.


PeaNut 415,672
March 2009
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Posted: 5/4/2013 8:46:16 AM
I don't get PEOPLE who care about what other people think, about how they look to the outside world.

Are OTHER PEOPLE'S opinions more important than your own daughter???

My family matters and are the most important people in my world...SCREW what other people think and say!!!

Don't wait until that asshat does something to your daughter, because once something happens, there is no going back! Do you always want to think if only I did something???

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PeaNut 182,623
December 2004
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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:05:21 AM
I'm sorry that your daughter suffered a miscarriage but I think that given the circumstances, that's the best possible thing that could've happened. Hopefully now she will cut ties with that guy once and for all!

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PeaNut 417,489
March 2009
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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:13:12 AM
I'm sorry your daughter is upset by the miscarriage. Her hormones must be insane. The good thing is that this link between them is gone. I pray she finds strength in her mother and father who care about her very much.

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PeaNut 104,551
September 2003
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Posted: 5/4/2013 9:33:01 AM
Thank you for the update, glad to hear that she's getting help and things are getting better. I wonder if our bodies don't sometimes "know" when it's a bad time and cause a miscarriage.

You're doing a good job mom. Keep it up.


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PeaNut 328,901
July 2007
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Posted: 5/4/2013 10:05:17 AM

This boy couldn't have picked a better situation than the one you are offering him. He could probably sense your fears and weakness from miles away. He is a predator and you are the momma and baby at the back of the herd, just waiting to be picked off and eaten for dinner.

I read your first post and have had your family in my prayers, but haven't responded until now. First of all, I don't think you're a troll. I've watched enough true crime on tv and seen things in my own life to know that these thing truly happen. You don't know which way to turn or what to do. But you've been given so much excellent advice.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I'm sorry she had to experience a miscarriage but honestly, it's the best thing that could have ever happened. I think a woman should have the right to choose, but I am against abortion except in dire circumstances. And your daughters circumstances couldn't be any more dire!! I'm happy to see she's getting counseling and it's helping.

Please delete all of the social networking sites, document EVERYTHING and go to the police!! My XH is a therapeutic foster care social worker and I also work for DSS. You wouldn't believe the things I've seen. If people think episodes of Law and Order SVU are extreme for television, they would be wrong. You are living that stalking, controlling nightmare. Your child must have no contact with this boy or her family. To hell with what "people might think." Other Peas have shared their stories and they were lucky and smart to get out when they did. I know you feel overwhelmed and helpless, but you are not helpless. Please keep us posted. There are a lot of people praying for your family.

ETA - I went back and re-read your latest post and I'm so glad you're working with law enforcement! I'm really glad you seem to have snapped out of your numbing fog and things are getting better.

Lisa =^..^=

"What fresh hell is this?" Sheldon Cooper


PeaNut 223,222
September 2005
Posts: 2,894
Layouts: 47
Loc: Kansas

Posted: 5/4/2013 10:13:22 AM
I'm so glad to hear of your update. I hope your daughter will continue counseling.

I am very sorry you were treated badly here, absolutely no reason for that.

Kirsten mom to~
Alexandria 20
Ethan 10
Owen 8 CFC syndrome,cp 29.5 wk preemie
Expecting my first grandbaby May 2013!
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PEA-T-A-Mom's kitteh is a fraidy cat.

PeaNut 90,665
June 2003
Posts: 16,522
Layouts: 0
Loc: Wherever my little mind takes me

Posted: 5/4/2013 10:16:27 AM
Now you're cooking w/gas. Her father's involvement is hopefully intimidating the boy, as well. She needs to see you be fierce and in charge, so that she can learn to do the same thing in her future. Keep going. This is hard, but not insurmountable. You'll get through it w/strength, confidence and courage!


I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Pretty In PeaNK

PeaNut 417,489
March 2009
Posts: 5,222
Layouts: 2
Loc: Travelin'

Posted: 5/4/2013 10:21:04 AM

There were a couple peas that told me that I should know that "whatever she is saying has happened, it is actually worse". You could not be more correct!! It was much, much, much worse than she had ever let on or that I could have imagined!!!!!
Do you mind me asking how it was worse?

"How are we going to get rid of racism? Stop talking about it!"--Morgan Freeman


PeaNut 118,464
December 2003
Posts: 4,266
Layouts: 0
Loc: Idaho

Posted: 5/4/2013 11:05:49 AM
Thank you for the update! I'm sorry you were not treated well by some of the peas. Please know that many of us have been thinking of you and your family and hoping that things would improve for all of you even though we don't necessarily post a lot. It is very scary when your child is going through a difficult time and often hard to know what is the best thing to do. It really sounds like you are doing everything you can to help your daughter and I'm hoping things will get better for her day by day. Hopefully over the summer she will have a chance to recover even more.


PeaNut 432,055
July 2009
Posts: 2,346
Layouts: 0

Posted: 5/4/2013 11:18:30 AM
Thank you for posting the update. I am sorry that your daughter (and you) are going through this. Hopefully she can recover from her loss and move on from the controller soon. It sounds like you are going in the right direction.


PeaNut 510,579
June 2011
Posts: 4,239
Layouts: 0
Loc: The Land of Steady Habits

Posted: 5/4/2013 11:32:29 AM
I'm praying your daughter will heal emotionally and physically from her losses. I pray she will gain the strength it will take to keep this boy out of her life for good.

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Michel's Mom ~ Sugar Plum's Mummie

PeaNut 52,307
October 2002
Posts: 5,755
Layouts: 80
Loc: Land of Enchantment - Louisiana girl in a Southwest world.

Posted: 5/4/2013 3:19:04 PM
Thank you so much for the update. One thing, don't let your guard down for a long long time. Some of those creeps have a short memory but many have a very long memory.

Like other peas said, I didn't think I'd say a miscarriage is for the best, but in this case, yes. It cuts the permanent tie the guy had on your daughter, it will take time and therapy to cut the other ties but I don't think any tie is as strong as the one involving a child. AND most of all, what kind of life would this child had with HIM in the picture?

It has to be SO devastating to lose the baby but I'd be so terrified of having to let my child visit an unstable parent. One reason why the last couple of years of my first marriage, I made SURE that I didn't get pregnant. I was finally waking up to who I was married to and he was a PRINCE compared to your DD's @#$% and yes, I meant to type it that way!

Please continue to update us and I'm keeping you in my prayers. I'm sorry for the things some peas said. People who have never seen these behaviors can simply NOT comprehend that someone can be as unbalanced as some people are. One of my relatives kept warning me about a close relative but it took seeing it to believe it and STILL took a while to fully take it in.

Just take care and hope your daughter can fully recover emotionally from all this.

Angie ~ Snoopy, Amanda, Michel, Davy, Benji, & Onkita - my fur kids!
Red, Black & Tan, & Double Dapple mini Dachshund's! Is it Snoopy or Snoopea?
Michel 9, Onkita 14, Jeannie the Chiweenie 14, and Sugar Plum 16 years!

Fiskateer #2358

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 75,215
March 2003
Posts: 7,548
Layouts: 2
Loc: massachusetts

Posted: 5/4/2013 5:06:31 PM
I'm sending prayers and healing thoughts to you and your family. In your update, it sounds like you are trying very hard to protect your daughter. I'm really sorry that you're all going through this.

Please continue to fight to keep her safe. I didn't want to post it earlier, but I had a very close friend murdered by a boyfriend that behaved exactly like your daughter's boyfriend.

You CAN protect her, and as you can see, it isn't easy. My friend was embarrassed by what she had gotten into and didn't tell anyone until it was too late. I really wish she had told us earlier what she was going through. With you and your husband standing behind her, your daughter has that chance to get out of this horrible situation. Good luck.

Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 274,935
August 2006
Posts: 5,850
Layouts: 8

Posted: 5/4/2013 7:56:08 PM
I'm sorry, I just saw your update.

I hope that soon you all will be able to put this behind you. It seems as your dd has a big loving support system and she seems to be receptive to it. Just remember, she needs your love no matter what you find out about their relationship.

((((Big hugs))))


PeaNut 359,731
January 2008
Posts: 4,907
Layouts: 1

Posted: 5/4/2013 8:05:24 PM
What a great update!!! Miscarriage is always hard but I'm willing to bet it saved her life. I really hope things continue to look up for her and that she can break free from him for good.


PeaNut 77,792
March 2003
Posts: 10,417
Layouts: 0
Loc: Orange County, California

Posted: 5/4/2013 8:56:17 PM
I'm so happy to see this positive update. And as painful as it is to deal with, a miscarriage is really the best thing to have happened under the circumstances. I just hope he believes her that it really WAS a miscarriage.

I'm also very happy to see that her father has stepped up and is going to help you to help her. That surely takes some of the pressure off you, doesn't it?

With everyone else knowing, your daughter in therapy, and losing that baby, it is very good update indeed. I hope you are able to continue therapy as well. This is a stressful situation and you would undoubtedly benefit from having a counselor to get advice from.

Good job, Mom! Your daughter will thank you in the future, if she is unable to do so now.

Is the boy still trying to contact her? And has she come to see how dangerous and manipulative he is? I suspected you were not hearing the worst of it, but at least those avenues are open between you now and you can be there to help her see her way through all of this.

Please keep us updated, and don't worry how people will respond to your updates. Whatever is real is real, right? I will be praying for all of you.

It's all just nonsense anyway!

PeaNut 97,456
July 2003
Posts: 20,385
Layouts: 0
Loc: California, NY & Orlando

Posted: 5/5/2013 10:50:08 PM

I have been quite worried that my updates would not be good enough for some peas. I was shocked and hurt to see how some peas I really liked treated me. I just will never forget it. There is a big difference in giving stern and urgent advice and being down right mean.

I could not agree more with what Kristenfnj said about it being ironic how people were actually treating me in an abusive way.

If you go back and check, I think you'll find all the peas who were 'mean' to you, spent the first two pages giving you advice and telling you exactly what steps to take. They spent the next page BEGGING you to take this situation seriously. Finally, out of pure frustration and desperation, they resorted to a verbal baseball bat.

You don't seem to get it that everyone here was incredibly concerned about your DD's safety and well being, but you'll 'never forget' how mean the peas were to you. Seriously, you have to be one of the most self involved people I have ever come across.
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