What say the peas? Should I be offended?

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Posted 5/2/2013 by mom-2-2beagles in NSBR Board
 

mom-2-2beagles
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:23:15 PM
So dh and I disagree on this. He feels like if someone says something that is true than the other person has no right to be offended or have their feelings hurt. (what I am annoyed with at the moment)

Case in point. I get along very well with my mil. We see them at least 2 days a week. Wednesdays she comes and does swim lessons with my dd. Dd is 2 and an adult needs to be in the water with her, I also have a 3 month old ds so I can't do both at once. Ever since dh went back to work after paternity leave she has been coming. On Sundays we go to their house and run. We have been alternating different ways so both dh and I can run. Dd can go in the jogging stroller, but ds is still to young. Then we all have brunch together.

So yesterday when I went to pick her up for swimming she had a stack of papers with her. She mentioned that there was an article she thought I might like, some mail for dh, and a notice about a study at a local university that she thought I might be interested in.

Well when I got home I pulled it out and it is a study said "XXX seeks healthy overweight men & women for Diet study." Now yes I am overweight. I guess I should be flattered that she at least thinks I'm healthy. I am 3 months post partum. I had lost all the baby weight (I only gained 20 lbs), but then really slacked on my eating and gained back 6. I'm working on eating better. I am running at least once a week (3-5 miles) and doing a 2 mile hike with some friends at least once a week (when I do the hike at minimum I have ds who is 13 lbs in the Bjorn and I usually have dd in the Kelty backpack at 28 lbs as well). I also did a half IronMan (1.2-mile (1.9 km) swim, a 56-mile (90 km) bike ride, and a 13.1-mile (21.1 km) run) the weekend before I got pregnant. So yes I could lose 30-50 lbs but in theory I am in decent shape.

So I was undecided on how I felt about the fact that she gave it to me (I have decided to take it as a sign of love and concern - however unwanted). I said something to dh about it and he snapped at me that wasn't I a healthy overweight woman, to which I responded yes, then he said I had not right to be hurt or offended.

Slight back story - my own mother has been obsessed with her weight her whole life. I was very tiny till college, now I am about 45 lbs over what I was when I graduated high school. My mil is also obsessed with her weight and working out. My sils I believe have issues because of that (I know dh does). My sister and I both have issues because of my mom always talking about her weight. I know I have issues. I am working on them. But having my mother and my mil both bothering me about it doesn't help.

So what say the peas? Is dh right do I (or anyone for that matter) have no right to feel hurt/offended when someone says something that is true? Or is there a point to which someone should not say something or is there a line that shouldn't be crossed even when it is the truth?




purplepackrat
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:27:27 PM
Your DH is an asshat. And that's the truth.


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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:29:38 PM
A what and a huh? Just b/c something is the truth you cannot be offended if it's pointed out? Well, if your DH is a fat, short bald man who is really sweet and kind but terribly unattractive and sort of stupid, would he like me to say so??? B/c well, it's the truth, so he should just roll with it?

He's being defensive of his mother and what you even concede might be good intentions. But that doesn't mean that your feelings can't be hurt. You have your own reasons for feeling so, and they are valid. He doesn't sound terribly sensitive and since you asked me, his reasoning is downright ridiculous. A woman who just had a baby and is actually getting off her butt to get fit doesn't need it pointed out that she is overweight.

ETA: Bottom line is there is a line that should not be crossed. That is just good social skills and common decency. That is, if you want to keep friends and get along in society. Otherwise, feel free to be brutally honest. And as for your mother and MIL obsessing over weight, that has nothing to do with you. Let them have their issues. You are doing more activity than many Americans, myself included! You have every right to your feelings. They are valid b/c they are yours.


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FarmDPea
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:31:14 PM
Hand your MIL an article about minding your own business. I can't believe that your DH has really lived his life by this philosophy and not been kneed in the gonads before now.



gizmos
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:31:52 PM
No one gets to dictate to you how you feel. They are your feelings alone.

Oh and I would try to take it in the love she feels for you. But your husband getting all prissy? Yeah, I'd be offended with that more!

mytwoandras
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:32:31 PM
Have you mentioned to MIL that you are wanting to lose weight or are unhappy with your weight?

If no, then I would probably be insulted.

If yes, then I would say MIL knows you are interested in losing the weight, thinks you are healthy because she knows your physical activity, and actually thought it might be something that interests you.

If you normally have a good relationship with your MIL I don't know why you would think it was given to be hurtful. I don't think that just because something is true that you have no reason to be offended, I am just not sure she meant to offend you.

*HuskerFaninIL*
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:32:32 PM
I'd be hurt too. How would DH feel is the doctor said "wow you have a small penis!" Clearly the Dr. Can see it, so it must be true.



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ginacivey
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:32:43 PM
you can be hurt that someone pointed out and obvious shortcoming

only you really know if she did this thinking of helping or if she did it to remind you that you have some weight to lose

but either way - you are allowed to feel hurt

gina

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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:33:36 PM
I think you have every right to be offended. One Easter my MIL walked in and said to my DIL that she was getting fat. First my DIL has some medical issues that she has been working through and second my MIL has a big mouth. My DH told her it was wrong and she said she just says what is the truth. We threw her out.


Karen

FarmDPea
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:36:10 PM

My DH told her it was wrong and she said she just says what is the truth. We threw her out.




gar
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:36:38 PM

He feels like if someone says something that is true than the other person has no right to be offended or have their feelings hurt.


Sorry, but that's bollocks.

But this is what I'm thinking....


Have you mentioned to MIL that you are wanting to lose weight or are unhappy with your weight?

If no, then I would probably be insulted.

If yes, then I would say MIL knows you are interested in losing the weight, thinks you are healthy because she knows your physical activity, and actually thought it might be something that interests you.

If you normally have a good relationship with your MIL I don't know why you would think it was given to be hurtful. I don't think that just because something is true that you have no reason to be offended, I am just not sure she meant to offend you.





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Gsquaredmom

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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:36:44 PM
There are social rules that usually preclude people from syaing truthful things which may hurt others' feelings. We don't go around saying to a teen "You have a big zit on your nose" and tell them they should not feel bad about someone pointing it out.

Your husband needs some lessons in social graces or your kids are in for heaps of bad feelings when he starts telling them the truth. If he really operates that way, I am amazed no one has yet decked him.

Oh, goodness, I think I would have laughed in his face. That is just plain stupid.

And you, three months postpartum? You are doing fabulously well. Your body, your life, and your example to pass onto your kids.



M in Carolina
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:45:23 PM
Mom to beagles--my mom was the same way, as well as being less than 110lbs soaking wet. I was as tall as her when I was 12 and weighed the same, but I was "fat". Mom was always questioning what I ate--even good things, so I was hungry and felt bad for eating anything. Eating less than I needed was even worse for me. Then I started eating 6-8 servings of fruits and vegetables before I ate anything extra. The weight melted off. Diets just don't work.

It took me years to deal with the way my mom acted. She still says things sometimes to my niece, but I shut her down. Mom realized the damage she did to me and has apologized and has tried very hard to change.

My grandmother used to tell me "You always have to tell the truth--but you don't always have to be telling it" So someone might be a bit overweight, but that doesn't mean you have to tell them they are. I would expect someone who just had a baby to have some extra weight. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to get the weight off.

Beagles, I don't agree with your husband. What he said was incredible insensitive and cruel. Only assholes tell their wives things like that. It's not like you're not doing anything except watching TV and eating bon bons.

If I were very close to you and see how much you exercise, I might also wonder why you're still overweight. Some people are, but others turn out to have hormone, thyroid or other issues. Perhaps this was your MIL's thinking. But then again, I would have tripped all over myself trying to explain to you why I was giving you a paper about this study (actually I wouldn't have given it to you, I'd have just told you about it). I wouldn't just hide it within other papers, say it was nothing, then have you find out about it at home. That was sneaky and definitely NOT THE TRUTH!




mom-2-2beagles
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:49:13 PM

Have you mentioned to MIL that you are wanting to lose weight or are unhappy with your weight?

If no, then I would probably be insulted.

If yes, then I would say MIL knows you are interested in losing the weight, thinks you are healthy because she knows your physical activity, and actually thought it might be something that interests you.

If you normally have a good relationship with your MIL I don't know why you would think it was given to be hurtful. I don't think that just because something is true that you have no reason to be offended, I am just not sure she meant to offend you.


Just to clarify I did say I have decided to take it as a sign of love and concern - however unwanted . It isn't something that is really discussed. The discussion is more about her asking how much I have worked out lately, telling me that they will babysit any time I want to go for a run...I am definitely the "fat" one of the family, which I am sure is hard for her.

To be honest I was more upset about dh than her. I just don't get how/why he thinks that it is okay to say anything as long as it is true. I told him that I didn't think that he would feel the same way if it was something about him. He said I was wrong. There are things I could choose to say about him that are true that I would think would hurt his feelings. But I don't feel like saying them to make a point will 1) do any good, 2) make me feel any better. I just think that he will blow it off as me trying to make a point or something.




blondiek237
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:51:49 PM
OP first your DH was out of line. Second no one has a right to be offended or not. You are either offended or you are not, right has no place here. You are obviously offended, end of story. Now what you are going to do about it is something else entirely

gar
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:54:58 PM
Going back to your husband's thoughts...I wonder how he'd feel if you said that his penis was really rather small but that now you knew that he wouldn't be hurt since you were only telling the truth, you decided it was time to tell him

I suspect his feelings on the subject might change.




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WingNut
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Posted: 5/2/2013 12:59:41 PM
No one has the right to tell you how to *feel*. This is a discussion my dh and I have had many times as he feels the same way as your husband. "The chickens are coming home to roost" on that one as both our kids have started to pull away from him because of his "truths" and he can't figure out why they are doing this. You are right to be upset at your husband.

With regards to the article about the study, I would just chalk it up as someone who loves me is showing they care. And I'd either pursue the study or throw away the article and that would be the end of that. I would maybe let myself be semi annoyed at the presumption, but more likely would feel guilt that I *am* overweight. I would only allow myself this feeling for a very small amount of time. To do otherwise is only going to hurt ME in the long run.

If you're not interested in the study, toss the article and move on.

ETA: I see your followup post where you have chosen to just move on with regards to your MIL.


Joy


Creativegirl
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:03:14 PM
A common phrase taught to kids in our circle...

"Just because it is true doesn't mean it is okay to say it."

Maybe your DH needs to sit it on a kindergarten class until he can figure that out.


Anna




finally~a~mama
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:09:32 PM
ITA with Batya. IMO your MIL was rude & your DH is an ass. Just because something is "true" (in someone's opinion) doesn't mean it needs to be said or implied. Rules of polite society dictate that.

FWIW, I think if you are doing that much exercise with a 3 month old baby & a 2 year old you are doing amazing! I have a 3 yr old & newborn and am SUPER impressed that you are doing that. Hope I can do 1/2 as much in a couple months.




Free~Bird
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:14:13 PM
I would just bluntly point out his ponchy gut, his bald spot and his small penis. When he gets offended just throw his words back to make a point.

Seriously, you'll only have to do it once.


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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:26:50 PM
"I had lost all the baby weight (I only gained 20 lbs), but then really slacked on my eating and gained back 6"


Wait! So you only have tools 6 pounds and they're claiming you're overweight?
Are they insane!
What jerks!

I agree with Freebird about what you should say to your not so DH.
Your MIL, I roils point out that 6 pounds doesn't warrant admission to a study of overweight people, then I would tell her I don't appreciate bring called overweight with only 6 pounds to lose.

Sheesh! 6 pounds is normal weight fluctuating

I would love to only have that little to lose


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mom-2-2beagles
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:34:10 PM
*Delphinium Twinkle* you are very kind! But to clarify i wish it was just 6 lbs. 6 lbs would put me at what I was when I got pregnant with ds (10 lbs less than I was when I got pregnant with dd). An additional 40 would put me at what I was when I graduated high school. 25 would put me at the lowest he has seen me at.




mirabelleswalker
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:43:01 PM
I don't think it's a question of should you or shouldn't you--it's a question of whether you are or are not offended.

I would be.

I am sorry you were hurt by someone you love. It sounds like you spend enough time with her that an opportunity will arise when you can tell her how you felt. Since you are choosing to take it as a sign of love and concern you can say just that--"I'm sure you meant to communicate your love and concern, but it was painful for me."



Dalai Mama
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:43:08 PM

To be honest I was more upset about dh than her.
To be honest, I would be too.


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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:44:15 PM

he snapped at me that wasn't I a healthy overweight woman,
Bad answer! DH needs to work on his listening/responding skills.

I don't see how you can offer/supply someone info on a weigh loss study without risking hurt feelings. Even if your motives are loving, it's quite risky.

Hand DH a coupon for hair thinning restoration, or a super mouthwash for his halitosis, or a "How to Treat Your Wife" class, etc.







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justbecause
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:45:15 PM
If you're going to be offended, be offended by what your dh said. His comment would hurt more than mil's attempt at being thoughtful.



Maryland
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:46:38 PM
I usually take the husband's side because I think men are picked on too much. But here, I 100% support you! Men get offended so easily, yet they think women should be able to take anything said to them. That was not nice of either your mil or your husband. Your mil should appreciate how much time your family spends with her and she should not do anything to mess that up. It sounds like both she and your husband are jealous of your weight loss and how fit you are.


lisabb
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:49:46 PM
I need to lose about the same as you and I'm also very fit and healthy (although I don't run - I skate, swim and do yoga).

I'd be hurt too, even though deep down I'd know their opinion of me was spot on and it would be something I'd be interested in taking part in. Oh and I'd also say much worse about myself to them, so perhaps they wouldn't realise I'd be so sensitive.


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joyce.k.b.
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Posted: 5/2/2013 1:50:03 PM
Your husband was rude and insensitive. I would point that out to him.


stampfox
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Posted: 5/2/2013 2:08:42 PM
she knows that you want to be healthy because you run and hike and try to eat right. as she said she thought you might be interested in these items because she knows these things. you can take them or leave them however you wish. i would not be insulted or offended.
Twyla

kimberly38
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Posted: 5/2/2013 2:30:34 PM
The next time you are playing "scrabble", when finsihed, I might have to tell him, "Wow. That was a poor performance" or something along those lines. Maybe, "Wow, didn't really have it in you tonight, huh, hon?".

If he asks or sounds hurt, "Well, you told me if it is the truth, you should not be offended, right? So, why are you offended?".

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Posted: 5/2/2013 2:32:27 PM
It would hurt my feelings.



doesitmatter?
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Posted: 5/2/2013 2:41:30 PM
I'd be hurt too - especially just just several weeks post partum- wtf?!

This is what gives women unreal expectations about weight loss- exodus lily after birth. It takes time to do it Ina healthy way- especially balancing families responsibilities as well. I'd be hurt but ignore her this time. You see her twice a week - not worth the drama. However if it keeps happening I'd let her know I was hurt.

I also think the call penis example is hilarious and may price the point that the truth can be hurtful! Lol


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hop2
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Posted: 5/2/2013 3:00:01 PM
Let me ask this here and hope I dont get flamed for the generalization.

Is this a man thing? the fact they they think any factual statement could and should be said and no offense may be taken, because it's true? I ask because my DH is this way and it causes a great deal of strife. Maybe if it is a man thing I just need to suck it up and deal. I always thought people in a family filtered what they said and the verbal expressions of their feelings if it is going to hurt their loved one. I know women can easily get nasty and b!tchy and say stuff but we usually mean it the way it is taken, b!tchily. We are not usually surprised or confused when the other person it hurt. Men just say they stuff and then are all amazed and confused when we are offended. So many women tell me these types of things. So is this just a man thing and that is how they are. Or is it an a$$hat thing and there are just a lot of a$$hats?

OP I can understand why your feelings are hurt.

dreamerpea
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Posted: 5/2/2013 3:03:47 PM
Your not so DH is an absolute insensitive jerk.



not2peased
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Posted: 5/2/2013 3:19:32 PM
I get where both of you are coming from-in your dh's eyes, it's no different than your mother handing you a flyer for a study for people with blue eyes. in your eyes its hurtful to be identified as overweight even if it is the truth.

I look at it this way-feelings are feelings and getting your feelings hurt isnt really allowed or not allowed. how you ACT on those feelings is really the gist of the issue, IMO.

I think I somewhat side with your husband in this case-while I would feel hurt, I wouldnt say something to your MIL about it-if I felt she didnt mean to offend or wasn't trying to be hurtful (I guess it would be another situation if she did stuff like this a lot-in that case I would have a talk with her about it)if someone does something to be snarky or mean, then I think you have every right to be upset and to ACT accordingly.

it sounds to me like your MIL is genuinely caring, has done and continues to do a lot to support your family-no way would I let a well intentioned, albeit hurtful thing get in the way of that relationship-in other words I'd suck it up


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Posted: 5/2/2013 4:01:06 PM
I wouldn't be offended, per se, in this situation. But certainly my feelings would be hurt. Your husband probably feels you are overweight and need to lose the baby weight (since he has problems due to his mother's weight obsession) so he doesn't see her giving you the notice as offensive. My experience is that men don't get why things hurt women's feelings very well.

sweetandsour
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Posted: 5/2/2013 4:20:48 PM
Wow, I would NEVER give such information about a study for "healthy overweight people" to ANY woman who is only 3 months post-partum

Nor would I give the info to anyone I loved unless they asked me to look for this info!

And if my husband said something like that to me when I was 3 months post-partum? He wouldn't have to worry about a vasectomy. I would have castrated him with a dull butter knife.


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VexedAngel
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Posted: 5/2/2013 5:25:52 PM
No one has any right to say what can or can't be offensive to another person.

You and I are both 3 months postpartum. I was overweight before. I imagine you look amazing compared to me. And frankly, I'd be telling my MIL just what little business of hers my weight is...and that she hurt my feelings/crossed a line.


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ilovecookies
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Posted: 5/2/2013 5:34:59 PM

To be honest I was more upset about dh than her.

To be honest, I would be too.


This. I'm most definitely on the husband is very assy bench.



SockMonkey
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Posted: 5/2/2013 5:37:48 PM

I said something to dh about it and he snapped at me that wasn't I a healthy overweight woman,


That's when he'd have needed to start running if he lived in my house.

eversograceful1
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Posted: 5/2/2013 7:27:30 PM
You have the right to feel however you feel.


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Posted: 5/2/2013 7:46:29 PM

So dh and I disagree on this. He feels like if someone says something that is true than the other person has no right to be offended or have their feelings hurt.


I'm just going to say right off the bat that I completely disagree with this line of thinking.

I am so sick of people (in general) thinking they can say rude or nasty or uncalled for things, and then defending it by saying "If you can't handle the truth", or "I'm only stating the truth", or "I think if you've known someone this long you should be able to be truthful", or "I love you, so I know I can tell you the truth", or any other such thing.

Now I realize that isn't how things went in this case, but it still seems to fall into that category to me. I'm sorry she wasn't more considerate of your feelings, OP, and I am more sorry that your DH whipped out the old "It's okay if it is the truth" defense.




FLCindy
Ancient Ancestor of Pea

PeaNut 154,236
June 2004
Posts: 5,811
Layouts: 0
Loc: USA

Posted: 5/3/2013 12:11:22 PM
Doesn't MIL need a boob lift and face lift? Give her info about each lift. If she doesn't say anything, find info about annoying MIL's who don't mind their own business. Give her the info. Again and again. Until she gets it.


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